Tuesday, December 28, 2021

Interzone Review

 Note: I spell inter good


This is my reviuew on Interzone from the distant futrure year of 1987(The year we got Contra)

Its directed by Deran Sarafian whoi did nopthing I saw and stars Bruce Abbott from Reanimator, Female Bopdy Builder FBB Teagan Clive from Alienator, amd Laura Gemser who did costumes fore Troll 2

I saw this years agoi and its one of those cheezy 80s waSTELAND WARRIOR MOVIES

i liked it

so after opewnbing creditys to triumphant music ovewer nature, we getr a scene in a cave of a guy dancing and music playing and a casino

main guy comes in and is in jeans and a leather jacket cuz hes totally nbot mad bmax or m d geist and swipes thius metal thing on a taBLE

AFTER MORE DANCING a guys talking mention how when it rains the p[lace is full of water and sometghiung about treasure

main guyt wants in anbd the guy who's item was stole notices its missing

they mention a tall buff blonde and leave but they see a russian roulette drink game like f--kin yugioh season 0 and a guy bites it

main guy goes in fort ity and notices the slave wench sewrving the drinks

1 treasure guy has cocainum ort snuff ort something and another guy has a gill;ette razor and 1` guy has a pocket watch

main guy offers a tooth brsh and no one knows whgat it is

they spin the drinks on a lazy susan and the black guy gets it after drinking 1

then another guy egts it from drinking 1 and its just maindguy and the treasure guy ands main guy droips somethinbg in a cup

treasure guy sees and spins the cups and drinks one and swears at main guy and tackles but is knocked away and probably gets it

guy kmain guy stole from fights him and a vrawl brerasks out

ther fighting is rerally fake and bad but loveable

main guy gets out by giiving a guard his toorth brush and latewr we saee some bikers and a car weith people running by it going by

they lock and load and go by a church and this beefy blonde in a skimpy black outfit wants tyhis treasure  in it

theres monks outside folding hands toi protect the treasuyre to toprtect the interzone ands the bikers open fire buty it does 0 damage as there's a barrier

so thre bikers leave and the head priest is low on ki and tired and appoints a new siccessor to stop beefer from stealing the treasure and killing eeveryone

he had a vision of a guy named swan to save them and a good blonde with help em, then bites it

so priest goes off and wander the land to phantasy music but is bity by a snakew and is saved by main guy who comes by and treats him in a cave and whittles a woodd thing

main guy chatrs with nhim and priest sez his people have a rule, dont speak, use ur miond, as they esp it, and he uses esp to talk to him ands read his mind

main guy is told hes thinking of ass pretty girl and he frteaks out, then thinks of his pet dog

they drive on and go to a market and see a slave auction of chicks like its gadaffis country after hilerie and bareock got through with em

main nguy sees thew blonde froim the bar and has a phantasy of running to her in a field and the slave auictioner remembers him fromthe casinop

main guy whips him and pulls him in and holds him at gunoppoint and gets trhe slave blonde and they truy to escape buyt fall and get up and run

thats theft! he stole the womaan without paying

so after this shoplifting; the guard go after him on motorttcycles and its a low speed chase like o j

aslso a white and zebra print car is deriven by slave seller anbd goes after em

the bikers fire on him so main guy stands up and uses the gun on his car like that bosss in Contra 1 as slave bblonde drives and priest does a ninja hand sign and prays

main guy uses grebnades like in Violence Jack h-lls wind which actually came out after this AND 1 lands in a guys crotch like in that jack ova too

then main guy gets a flame throwqer and cooks a guy who;'s bike spews black smoke and blows

i think main guy is outta ammo and theres 1 biker left who gets on the car and fights him but main guy kicks him off

then the zebra car comes by and rams thre car and whips at it so main guy jimps on the zebramobile and beats out the driver and jumps out as zebra movile goes off a small cliff and slave owner flies into a pond

main guy gets back in car and chats with slave blonde and they drive off and slave owner is ok in a pond and wants revenge on main guy for his car

at night priest sez his people are responsible for the interzone and its a huge area of radio active free land and if the treasure is taken; the intyerzone will collapse

and they need main guy rto save em and this buff blionde named mantis is trying to get treausre

then we see mantis with some smaller guy ina  forest with her gang and they laubgh as she sends him to this hole in the earths a55 where if he gets out he can live but sdomething in there ends him

priest sez mantis is evil and theres another bad guy who tortures people and se see a clip of him, the moustache guy whjo was with mantis at the chrtuch attackl, whee he finds a pregnant couple and katana's the woman and the man seppeukus offscreen later

at night they sl;eep and main guy and slave blonde are cuddling close but not b0ning and the next day preist is getting berries

slkave ownber comes by and has them aT GUNPOINT BUTR DONT ICE EM AS HE'S A F-0-KIN DUMBA55 AND preist comes by and uses his psychic powers to move the slave owners gun dfown  and shoot himslef in the parts so main guy can stop him and get him at ngunpoint

main guy takles his clothes and slave owner is a fat f--k and throiws em off a cliff so he wont chase him

this is f--kin hokuto no ken! i dont think he'd mind people seeing his beer gut!

main guy figuires pasrt of the treasure isnt needed for the interzone and oh they are at the church thing, and he wants it

the priests agree with him and the preist who weas snake nit goes weith them

main guy and slave chick almost b0ne and instead go off on the armored car as the car had fiured on em to save their virginbity, mouth vriucginity and butt virginity

they go to the woods and meet mantis and her crew and say he captured priest and wants to get the treasure with them

moustache is gonna chop up priest but main guy stops him with a fight and a crotch kick

b4 he can samurai sword the moustache guiys hewad off, mantis stops him and wants him to join her in her cham,bers and has priest and slave chick taken away

in her cave her musicians plsay and main guy is cleaned and lubed up

then mantis comers by in a White Robe and jumps into his bed to b0ne

then we get a silhoette of mantis posing and flexing her muscles

slaver chick steals a sleeping guards knife and unshackles herself and sneaks out but moustache is aweare of her

she tries to free priest but moustache finds themn and she fakes wanting to ice priest and that she wants to betray main guy and work with moustache

back in mantis's cave; we get a symbolic love scene of her feeding him cherries, eggs, fish, and a banana (Such innuendo, but subtle so the censors wont mind)

the next day she has him taken to the hole in da earths a55 for the test and has the thing in the cave thrown meat b4 throwing main guy in

didn't both flash gordon and dune do this?

And 1 of the star wars ones?

so in the cave which looks like a power rangers thing; he gets a guin and a torch and finds tis rotted melting soggy guy monster annd takes him out with a rifle and returnns a hero

mantis lifts him up in a muscle fetish thing and at the same time; moustache is firing arrows at priest

mantis finds priest isnt in his cell and gets to moustacvhes target range to stop him

they bicker and a battle between moustaches and mantis's forces breaks out and main guy gets slave blonde aND priest and books it

outside the forest; main guy has em go back to the church and e goes basck to take out their ammo

but priest sez the weak point in the barrier main guy made up is real

maIN GUY and chuick get guns and run in spraying bullets but theres no one there

then a net catches em anmd the bads come out and has main guy string up by his arms and slave chick put in a cage

mantis comes out and has this devolving looking hunchback a whip and hhas him turn a gear to lower main guy onto a thing that will somehow ice chick and moustache whips main guy in some kinda sm thing

if his feet hit the cage, oh wait, he falls on this pad it it electrifies the cage slave chick is in

then we get the bad guys goiung throughj this misty jungle and priest returns to the manrtis base and uses his powers to make the weather go nuts and he swapped with main guy in the shackles and wounds and bites it after a scene

So he slugs out a sleeping guard, gets back his jacket and gets guns and grenades

its got sme of that 80s fog mist dust thing going

at the church; moustache is flaMETHROWERING THE barrier and main guy drives in a weird veihcle

moustache gets a hole in the barrier and her gopons go in it as the priests flee

maNTIS GETRS to the final door they are behind and 1 guy isd gonna use a bazooka but she stops him from nuking the treasureee

main guy comes back and uses a smoke grenade to get the baddz out and they flee when they see him

the devolved hunch back comes out, grinds, and presses his torso and goes up in a fireball

main guy faces moustache and they throw down their weapons and kung fu fight like in Reboot how Natrix fouyght Metabyte and threw off his gun

so moustache get on him abnd beats on im but main guy does an ear slap and fights until he busts moustaches throat with a hit and ends him

then he faces mantis who's musacling on the door and she offers him a chance to join him and share the treasure and rule the interzone

thety fight and she throwes him around and outmuscles himbut he gets a fewhits in

remember Angela from Power Instinct? The big hulking beefed out italiano strong woman from the circus?

Imagine her vs Teagan Clive/Mantis?

So Mantis gets a gun but main guy grabs a bazooka and blows her apart

the shot blew a hole in the doors a55 and he goers in and sees statues aND paintings and books and a tv he turns on that somehopw runs w/o electricity and talks of a nucular thing that f'd humanity and the guy who made the video collected the best of human civilisation to be saved here to rebuild it


f u caps lock

suck my 7 inch uncut slavic d0ng!

he leaves and is at a cross in thre gropund for the priest and cuddling slave chicks bod and shge comes to live and they make out

they then drive off on a new adventure liuke Goku inDragion Ball after the Piccolo Jr Arc

The End

That was good 80s fun

cheesy, silly, upbeat, cool, actiony and entertaining

teagan is great as mantis and while she is the bad guy, is cool and not hateable

sorta like Cutey Honey bad guys or MegaTRON in the 80s Transaformers

its got good effects and nice costumes and we don't got nude scenes or bad love scenes, but got somwething creative

I liked it and its one of those 80s things that don't ake sense but is cool and fun

The nucular future was kinda like Teenage Caveman and as its from the Cold War when the Soviets were still a danger, it has an effect

Glad I saw it. I 1st learned of it from the Comet Channel and thought it was interesting

For Interzone 2 I want for the manbtis troops to have reformed under a new leader and is trying to get to the interzone, but its lead by a nucuilar sasquatch who wwas mutated by the radiation and knows the priests have a holy item that can stop him. Also we get a new hero who is a female bodybuilder but is good and beeats through all the nucular sasquatch's troops and their devolved bodies made styronger through the sasquatches evil powers. Its also a 32/64 bit Beat em up on Sega SaTURN, PlayStation 1, Panasonic 3DO, N64, DS and PSP where you play as her in a 3D style and beat through guys using the priests Holy Item that can turn into any weapon.

Tuesday, December 21, 2021

A Christmas Story Review

 Note: I spell ostalgic

A Christm,as Story

This is my review on A Christmas Story from 1983 (The Year He Man came out)

Its based on this story by Jean Shepherd based on his childhood

Its diirected by the Talented Bob Clark who did Black Christmas, p0rky's, p0rky's 2 and both Baby Geniuses movies

He had real range and could do heart humor and horror

It stars Peter Billingsley froim Highway to Heaven, Jean Shepherd who wrote it, Melinda Dillon from Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Harry and the Hendersons, Darren McGavin from The Man with the Golden Arm and Billy Madison, R. D. Robb from Matilda and The Brady Bunch Movie, Zack Ward from Freddy Vs Jason and Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Tedde Moore from RoboCop: Prime Directives and The Kennedys, Leslie Carlson from Black Christmas, Videodrome and The Dead Zone, abnd some others i only know from this

i've seen this countless times and some chjannels air it fort 24 hours straight as itsa a xmas classic

after mgm and tityle, we get narrator telling this was a xmas that he had as a kid and at night he and his bro went to a storerwe window to see the new sh-t

hay, disne'ys snow white, thats gonna be blurred one day

he wants a bb gun fro red ryder asa its the 40s and kids could have fun without commies wworrying of it making the kids shoot up the place

he dropped hints for his rents by putting the red ryder bb gun add in his moms mag to get her the hint

at breakfast dad reads the news of a guy reading i mean eating a yoyo and does a puzzler to win a prize

main guy sez he saw grizzley brears by the store to get the gun and when they look at hi queer, he changes the subject

mom asks what he wants and he yells the bb ghun and mom sez "you'll shoot your eye e=out"

he fakes really wanting tinker toys and mom thinks bb guns are dangerous

apples are dangerous! You could lose a tooth! (if its loose and you eat wrong)

then we getta phantasy of him saving his fam from black bart(THATS RACIST!!) by shooting them in the butt(butt shots?!) and they spazz out and die

in real life; dad is p-ssed that his car f'd out and then the furnace f'd out and he goes down and b0nes it into working while sweraring like yosemite sam

imagine if they made a profanity accurate version of this with them sayiong c-ck sucker and muther fd-ker?

or better yet; editing in the obscene caller from Black Christmas audio in here?

so they go tyo school and mian kids brother falls and can't get up and main kid hel;ps him

in school the kids have fake big teeth as i guess they wanna fake being brittish asnd the teacher takes em

at recess the kids bicker over if your tongue weill frereze to a flag pole over triple dog dare and cuz he dared him; he does and it freezes to the metal\

then recess ends and the kids leave him to die but inside later a girl points outside and they call ther fire department to get him out

just whiz on it. the hot water will get him off

so he comes back in with his mouth f'd and teacher sez she knows someone put him up to it and the gukilt the feels is worse than any punishment. but narrator dont buy it

then they get an assignment(a55 ine ment) on what they weant for xmas and main kid wants top use this as a way of gettinmg his bb gun

nowadays they'd give the kid therapy for wanting a bb gun and put him on meds and devolve him

once a guy i went to yugioh tournaments with said he had counceling cuz at school he had a death note like from the anime and wrote his friendsd names in it for fun and they thought he actually wanted em deads

after school they go home and the bully farkus (like bulk and skull?) comes by with yellow eyes and laughs like a mongoloid and scarers the kids

1 guy is caught by farkus and is put in a lock and tormented

in there; ur either a bully, toadie or victim

what is this? hokuto no ken?!

at home main guy wants his little orphan annie decoder pen and writes his assignment about how mondo cool bb guns are and footballs s-ck

dasd comes home and the redneck neighbors dogs hassle hioom and dad comes in and won a prize

a house full of dogs? like those hoarders shows on A&E or TLC?\

those dogs probably sh-t all over the place and b0ne the furniture

Today, on Hoarders! We go to the slums of Gotham to meet Selena Kyle: Once an Animal Rights Model, now a 500lb mess living in a rotting building with over 200 cats! Can we save her? Find out today on TLC!!

at dinner they brother don't wanna eat and dad wants to forcefeed him but mo makes him act like a pig to eat that sh-t

this is all kinds of fetish

why not turn him into a d0ng?!

so the dads contest winning is delivered and its a womans leg shapes lamp but mom don't like it cuz its too sexy

what is she? a feminist?!

he pplugs it in and whe whole lamp leg glows and dad turns off the lights and looks at it from outside and all the guys in the neighborhood check it out as no one was queer in the 40s

and its all because mom helped him win the crossword thing

like in the unknown how she overcame her fear of arms and fell in love with the strongman cuz of lon

later its school and farkus chases the kids there and main kid hands in his assignment and has a phantasy about her dressed like its the 1800s and gibing f's on all papers before being enamored by his paper and givign it an A with many +'s asd the kids cheer and carry him around

in real world after teacher has him to sit down, he runs from the bully in fast forward

so at night thery go to getta tree and is that a vehicle from toronto in degrassi street?!

dad barters with the treeman(not the TLC mmutant) and gets a good deal and rope

on da way back a tire f--ks out and dad goers out to fix it with joy as he sees himself as a pit crew and has mom time him

mom sends main kid out aND HE holds a thing with lug nuits in it but dad jerks his hand and knocks the nuts around

kid sez of fudge but in real life said f--k and dasd hears him and as its not today; kids swearing i a big deal like saying the n word when not current;y black

dad comes back in 8 mins and tells mom in whisper and she freaks out puts soap in his mouth

mom has him tell where he heard it but he cant say he hard it from dad (i learned it from watching ytou) and says the 1st name that comes to mind; the guy who dared the flag kid

mom calls his mom and outs him and she beats the black offa him

what is this? my great grandma beating my grandpa for accusations of stealing a chicken? in the 20s?!

mom sends him to bed and tastes the soap and its gross and at night he has anothe rphantasy of being blind from soap poisoning 

he has a lot of these phanmmtasies, is this where arthur got it from?

my dad when i said that: arthur? the turtle?

his rents can't take the guilt from killing his eyers and coomit seppuku

jk but as they phantasy cry, kid smiles like a sociopathg

at school the kids give teacher gifts and main kid gives her a fruits basket(the anime?!)

at home he gets his little orphan annine decder ring and listens to the message on the dario and writes the code, then goes to the bathroom to decode it

but his brother needs to sh-t and p-ss and he holds him out

the message is; be sure to drink your oveltine and he's disgruntled

brother goes to the potty and lifts the lid and it cuts to the mom opening the cooking pot and its brown boiled cabbage so it looks like sh-t

later while dad's swearing in the basement at the furnace; mom breaks the lamp and says its an accident and dad don't but it

she was jealous! like that dogf who iced that baby as it didn't like it getting more affection

dad tries fixing ity but its too f'd and mom trys not to laugh and dad beeries it by the garage

later its chooland farkus getrs the flagpole kid and puts him in a joint lock

in class they get their tests back and flagpole kid comes back with a black eye and main kid gets a C+ with the message"you'll shoot your eye out"

kid thinks mom got tyo teacher(which could have happened) and goes home later but farkus bulkmein and his homie eugeine skullovich  nail him hin the face with a snowball and laugh at him

like vegeta going berserk at cell for icing trunks; he goers berserk and tackles farkus and wails on him

his monion gets slugged out by him and main kid starts swearing pg at him as he berserkly mashes his skull into a thick paste

mom pulls him off and takes main kid away and farkus has a huge a55 blood stain on his face

i want a modern remake where he raises his hands with a fury and splatters his head open and his brains spill out like pasta and sause

at home mom, cleans his wounds and main kid worreied dads gonna beat the blaxck offa him

he gets home and mom sez he just got in a fight but plays it low so dad dont get mad

main kid realizes if teacher and mom wont get him the gun; he has santa

they go to the xmas parade with mickey moyuse which migt be blurred in latert releases and the wizard of oz monkeys and guys

they go in da mall to see santa  and theres a long a55 line with the guy infromnt of them seeming brai damaged

the bad witch from oz comes by but main kid don't care

brain damaged creams when he sees santa and when main guy goes up his brain seizxes up and cant think or talk

he's suggested a footbnall and agrees abnd is sent down the slidfe burt his brain turns on and he crawls up and sez he wants a bb gun

santa sezur shoo ur eye ouyt and kicks him down the chute

so then dad puts up the tree and they go to bedf for xm,as and the next day its xmas aND the kids get up

they opern presents and main kid gets a clothes from his aunt of a pink bunny thing as i guess she wants him to turn queer and mom makes him wear it

dad dont like it, whicvh would be seen as "hate" today and the kid finds a hidden present from Santa of the bb gun her wanted

mIN kid had 1 as a kid and he goes out to try it but he shoots his eye out

actuaslly hisd glasses protected it and mom didnt see, and when he looks around he steps on em

why were you walking around?! feel on the floor with ur hands!

her fakes being hit with anm icicle and while mom treaTS HIM, dad truys to haVE A PIEce of turkey but mom sez no

so the dogs come in, f--k up the place, and eat da burd as dad chases em out

so they go to an asian resxtaurant where they mix up l/r and they take off a cooked ducks head infront of em

then its night and he sleeps with his bb gun as it snows and we get a shot of the house as credits roll like f--king black christmas

the end

what a claSSIC

its mostly clean with a bit of bite

shows what the past was like in a simpler time

its a good collection of stories from childhood and stuff we can relate to

its got a warm style and feel and has you enjoying the ride

it packs a lot into it and i thought more time had gone on

classic american story and is like the waltons or happy days or the wonder years as its got good nostalgia that families can relate to

for a christmas story 2 i want the bully farkus to deal with his issues of being beat up and plans a revenbge to get over his fear of the kid beating him up, but also its got a bunch of side storys about his life and some flashbacks to how he was devolved by smoking chronic as a kid and it gave him yellow eyes and his uncle beat on him and it f'd his teeth and he needed braces. also its an 8 bit game on Nes, Master System, Game Gear, Game Boy, TG16, Atari 7800 and Lynx where ypou play mini games and gain enough points to unlock the final battle with the kid and if you win; you become the king of the school yard and get a cutscene with you on a gold throne with bikini babes  like Conan

Sunday, December 19, 2021

The Bravados Review

 note; i'm brave enough to spell bad

The Bravados

This is my review on The Bravadods from the distant future year of 1958 (680 years before Contra 4 oin DS before Konami retconned it to make Contra Rogue Corps)

its directed byu henry king who did Tol'able David, the 39 jesse james, David and Bathsheba, The Snows of Kilimanjaro and The Sun Also Rises

Its got Gregoru pewck, the unholy joan collins from Empire of the Ants, Stephen Boyd from the 50s Ben Hur and The Bible: In the Beginning, Albert Salmi from Empire of the Ants and Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Henry Silva from thhe 60s The Manchurian Candidate, Barry Coe from Jaws 2, George Voskovec from The Spy Who Came in from the Cold, Lee Van Cleef from The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance and Escape from New York, Andrew Duggan from A Return to Salem's Lot, Gene Evans from Ace in the Hole and The Giant Behemoth, Joe DeRita from Curly Joe from the 3 stooges, Jason Wingreen from The Terminal MaN AND sTAR wARS 05

Its based on a book i never read anmd i never saw this but i hear its good

Henry King, Jet Li and Brent Butt otta open a restaurant called Li King Butt

so after logos we get a horse rider in a widescreen thing as credits go by

make up ben nye, is he related to thee schinerxzse hack bil nye?

its in deluxe color like M*A*S*H* and greg beck comes by in this canyon pass  and gets held up by this who asks where hes going

he sez to this town and is told theres no strangers allowed  until after the hanging but he wants to

the hold uyp guy takes gregs gunand brings him through town to the sherrif

sherrif sez not to let anyone in and greg sez he wants tyo see tyhe hanging and is told the law will keep his guns and the hangings the next day

a banker sez the accused shot up his bank and to hang them slow but he reveals he's not the hangman and just passing through

a towensman holds peck at gunpoint and sherrif sez to cool it and for greg to stay in the hotel

gerg sez iof ther hangman dont show up he can do it and sa chick comes by and is glad to see greg

they talk about how she hasnt found the right man and he has a ranch s they catch up and she wants a man

greg was married and later at a bar he meets the hangman and drinks with him and hangman wants to have some night fun, which i assume means b0ning

sherrif wants hangman to checkl the gallows and hangman sez he has time

greg has sherrif show him the accused and says he hunted em for 6 months and now the law is gonna end em

in jail; sherruf puts on his gun belt and goes through the locvked doors and shows em to peck as the accused crack jokes and act smarta55ish

greg eyeballs em and sez thanks to shreif for letting him see em

but the accused dont know who grteg is and after greg leaves 1q of the accuseds moms comes and he dont wanna see her

in da cell the guysd chat and the gallows are being made outside and they wonder who greg is

so the gallows is built in time as its non union labor and they dont eat time on unearned breaks and have jobs obnly 12 guy can do for 200$ a nail

1 guy wants his daughter to masrry a good ghuy and have a smart husband who is in a city liuke philedelphia and tyells daughterts bf she onlyu likes him cuz she never met anyone else

daughter comes out and walks with em and the town is gonna go to church before the public execution

hangman is gonna finish his cigar before seeing the accused and thew film was clearly shot in daytime but tinted to look night

chick comes to see gregori rasputoin to invitre him toi church but hes quit church and it bums her out

nowadays she'd be the weird one for going to church and he'd be the "enlightened" pone to resist "superstition"

he walks her to church and in the jail a stone comes in da window and the inmates ask to go to church

they cant but casn look at church from ther window and hangman is outside looking back at em from a distance and 1 inmate asks the guard to pray for them to go to heaven

he wont pray for them to go toHeaven but will ask for thewir forgiveness and the guys say someones gonna do something when the guys are at church

on the walk; peck reveals he has a daughter and his woman was iced

she goes to church and greg eventually goes in and hangman goes to see the inmates

sherrif sends guard to church and when shrfrif lights the lanp; hangman shanks him but is capped AND  the inmates grab the sherrif

they use a blanket to get the keys and meanwhile; i church; greg isnt too comfy or content

the wife of the guard gets the keys and ghoes back to thuis place andf as she turtns on a lamp; the inmates grab her and use her as a hostgage

in church the priest says the accused earned their sentence but they are people too and deserve prayers like the theifes on ther crosses

guard dwonders where his woman is and sherrif coems back all shanked into churcha nd caslls for help

the accused getta way on horseback and the guy who held up clint i mean jimmy i mean rasndolf i mwean greg is capped

turns out; the one caught wasnt the guys wife but as the daughter of the guy who wanted her to go to pedifelia

the towen wants tyo save her but greg wants to get some sleep and get them when they have a better chance

the escaped have 1 of them, the inbred looking guy, stay behind and hold off the followers and in toiwn greg looks at a locket of his woman and child

later its day and the good guuys come after em but the baddz might get away in the desert

but greg sez to take time and he's tracked em 6 months and to send the less bada55 ones back so they dont get in the way

chick wants to go but greg thinks its troo dangerous and the baddz are gonna go somewhewre to wait fgor the guy they left back

its night maybe(but shot in day and tinted) and greg and friends come on and stop and start camp

1 guy wants to go on with just greg and greg sez if they found em, a fight would break out and she'd get iced

oh its the bf ofg the girl

they find a body and its the real hangman who was wacked by the one who went to town to get the baddz out

greg sez to fire guns so the sound carries and keeps the baddz off balance at night

the badds in this canyon with the girl talk about sh-t and worry about greg and 1 guy wants to b0ne the daughter but they hear a gunshot

1 guy sez its an old trick to keep em awake and the next day we get good scenary shots and the good guys going through it

1 bad guy fires and they think the rescue crew is comming for em and they figure its greg

they ask daughter who he is but she never saw him b4 he came to town

oh and the guy they left behind caught up to em and they leave another guy behind for some reason

the goods come actoss this grassy field and greg knows theres a bad guy there as he noticed something small no one else can and hes like wolveriner inb x men

he sends guys around out of range and sneaks around so he has the bad gguy at gunpoint from hebind

greg disarms him and aksds if he knows the woman in his locket but bad guy sez he never saw her

greg sez bad guy and 3 ghuys stopped at his ranch and how his woman was iced despite begging

bad guy sez he never icedd a woman andf baby and how he has a wife and baby

greg beats on him with his gun and it goes off but the guy isnt iced

in town chick is in church and the mom i think is praying for the daughter and chick talks to priest about greg and why he changed

turns out he was out once and his woman was raeped and killed and now his daughter is out with a ranch hand

she realizes thsat kid could have =been hers (well, haldf anywqay) as he asked  her to marry him but she said no

the badds worry about the greg andf the posse and 1 stays behind to handle him and the rest go on

later greg comes by and looks up for snipers and bad guy firtes on him but misses and greg rides around dodging

he runs outta bullets and greg lassos him and drags him around like in the illiad, then strtings him up by his legs and hangsd him from a tree upsidedown

elsewhere the daughter tried to escape but they capped her horse and are gonna make her ride wiith him on his lap where he's probably got sa b0ner

the posse comes after greg and finds the guy hanging so i asume greg ended him

the badds come across a shed or home or something andf he sez the place they say they are going in the other diretion by the desert

they stop in for feedings and bad guy sez if she tries to run she'd get it like her horse

in there they hold the guys up and hear theres a ranch near and the shed guy has gold teeth in a glass of water and mines for silver

shed guy goes out and bad guy caps him nand sends the other one to see what he had on him

then bad guy trys to go werinstein or clin ton on the girl as she screams but the posse comes and they leave the daughtger behind

chick meets up with greg whos name is the same as the ranch anamethey're going after and sez he shouldnt try for revenge and to look after his kid

they go by the shed and greg sez this was his neighbor and they iced him

chick finds daughter in the shed all b0ned and the posse comes with her dad

chick tells main guy to go after the guys and send em to h e doubel soviet new york

greg goes to his ranch for a new horse and then we see this dark haired kindergatrener who greg meets and is his kid

he talks to the mexicos looking after her and has chick stay there to look after his kid tol he's back

he relaizes hes not the best dad and will do more later and makes out with chick b4 going off

so greg and the posse get to the international boarder and they cant go but greg can as hers a private citizen and crosses that rubicn on his big black horse

he asks a mexico if guys came by and talks with her in mexicoese

he goes to a toiwnb and its darker and in a bar or restraunt greg comes in and finds a bad guy

he shows him the locket and bad guy dont know the woman but greg dont buy it

they draw guns and greg wastes him and the last guy skips town on a horses a55

greg rtides after him and maybe a day latergets near him and bad guy ties his horse at a station

bnnad guy egts to his mexico home and has a mexico weoman and kid and gives them his money

he goes to get water and greg comes by and asks whre he is but sees bad guy coming back and piulls his gun

mecixo wife busts a jar on his head and  runs to bad guy

greg wakes up at gunpoint and is given food but dont want it and wonders why bad guy wont ice him

greg shows him his locket and bad guy sez the wife and baby arer pretty like his and wonders why he hunted them

greg sez 4 men who matched the gangs description iced and b0ned his woman but bad guy sez he got this money from a guy they iced and never went by his place

oh annd the silver mine shed neighbor guy was the one with the money and who said the bads did his wife in

realizeing he made a mistake he can't take the guilt and grabs a jagged rock and mASHES IT INTO HIS SKULL

jk really he goes back to church and prays for forgiveness, wait, hes just thinking

the priest comes by and sez hes glad gregs back and greg asks for help for wasting 3 guys

preriest sez the people are glad but greg sez he wasted em for revenge of something they didn't do

like al capone on tax evasion

or oj on theft

or cuomo on being hetero

priest sez because he repends and told a priest its a good sign as he's not justifying his slayings but greg sez he's wrong

gregs kid and chick come by and he carrys kid and walks out with her but the town cheers for him

the sherrif sez thanks even though nopwadays theuyu'd truy to arrest him for taking out scum and greg sez to pray for him

then he chick and kid walk out to epic music

the end

that was pretty good

bada55 gregory peck

dark theme but with holy views

nowADAYS tthe priest would be the real killer and gregs fall from the church would not be healed

good lighting and camera work and its got good twists

i honestly didn't see em coming

greg wacks guy on purpose but rep[ents of it later

him regaining his faith through seeing the error of his ways was a good touch

something we can all relate to

good direction and i thought thgey'd save the captured girls virginity

its a darker anbd edguier western but it holds up

For The Bravados II I want it tio be about the girl who was captured by those guys becoming stronger and trains in guns and becomes a bounty hunter to avenge people wronged like she was. Also its an 8 bit Nes, Game Boy, Game Gear, Master Sysatem, TG16 and Atari 7800 and Lynx game where you play as her and do bounty missions to take out crooks on the run in a Run N Gun style

Saturday, December 18, 2021

Flight Of The Intruder Review

 notew; i spell nammy like nami sos

flight of tyhe intruder

this is my review on flight of the intruder from the distant futurte year of 1991 (The year the snes came out)

its directed by john milius who did Red Dawn Conan the Barbarian and The Wind and The Lion

it stars danny glover, willem dafoe, Brad Johnson from the Left Behind movies, the devolved rosanna artquette from Desperately Seeking Susan, tome sizemore, J. Kenneth Campbell from, Colatteral Damage with Arnold, Dann Florek from Law and Order, Ving Rhames from Dawn of the Dead, John Corbett from Raise Youir Voice wiith Hilary Duff, Cameos from Fred Dalton Thompson from Law and Order and David Schwimmer from The Wonder Years, and a few dudes i never saw in anything

its based on a book i never read thAT President Reagan liked

the movie didnt do well but it ghot an NES game

i nevewr saw it buit milinusd is usually great

after texct of a plane that has no defence weapons but drops sh-t on commies in nam; the interuder; we get audio of news guys rom the 60s as credits go on

then 78 years intro da war in 72 this plain goes in the sky and the pilots talk of the stars

if you see a star next to the big dipper, you have a year tyo live

so they get fired at by commies and evade and dodge a missile then drop cgi on the commies but there was nothing there

then 1 sniper j fks 1 of the pilotyds through the neck somehow and the ok pilot troubledly lands the jet on a carrier

the medics take the j fkk'd guy and the ok guy wipes the blood off his hand from hgolding  the wound

so capperd guy bit it and survivor is grilled on his actions and is found not bad but is taken off

he sez they hit the target but it wasnt woreth getting his homie wacked

dany glover sez toi write a lertter to wacked guys woman and later the green goblim in a moustache comes by and saez danny is a legend and looks up to him

man the cinematography and satyle looks like a 90s show

so theres a place in soviet hanoi that the Ameroicanos cant get to

then we see glover saying how hes black but has an italino name and his fam was in the ma fia

he offers anpther guy a igar (its like 5 cigarettes at once) then later its day and the jets flky off with a new coopilot

they talk about maos country having good food and go in to land as liberache boogie wooguie mosic plays and they f--k around in the sky doing tricks

they return to this base and main guy meetys the chick of the movie amnd findds iced pilots woman left after he got it

then its night and the solfiers go to a bar and smoke/drink/armwrestle other manly things

a guy is launched on this chair riude thing into the mud and 2 different classes of polits challenge each other to it tyo proove whos manluer

1 guy oh its main guy, succeeds in stopping before he falls in the mud and a guy at the bar loses money on it so they fight and its a bar brawl

btw this movie is anti widescreen with the pucture being taller than wide when shown on charge

the military cops come by and the soldiers scatter and at another bar, rosanna is druink and trys to seduice main guy

is she a h00ker in hwere too like in that 1 svu ep?

so instead of b0ning they dance and later he wakjes up in her place and finds she has a kid

i guess they b0ned and now he has hiv

her baby daddy is missing in nam and she thinks hes in h e double england

later main guy talks with green goblin about  taking out commies and going on missions in different areas  that green gob went

so ross from friends sez that main guy is sent as a decoy to draw fire and take out the enemy forces to clear the way for the big guys to take out the target

and green goblin is his partner

so they get missiles fired at em and wait til a 3rd is launched, then take em out but an enemy plain comes

they have no guns but have 1 missile they use to take out the radar guiding the baddz, thendrop heat things like in robvotech battlecry on gamecube to draw heat trackers

they'd plain f--ks outand threy go down but theyget it back and return to base

main guy goes to the library to ask about maps of north viet nasm and is given a geoggraphiches not meant to have

he asks goblin to go on a thing and goblin can have him court martialled for asking, but wont

main guy wants to do something that matters inatead ofg blowing apoart trees but goblin says no and he will ignore it

latyer he writes a letter to a womaan i tygink arquette that hes doing another useless mission and goblin ignored his plan

thgey drop cr-p on naM but missiles are fired at em and 1 plUIN GETS BLOWMN TO F--KS

then we get news footageww of the war not going well and goblin sez he;s gonna go on tyhe thing with main guy

but then gives his backstory that he and his partner got shot down and after wandering tyhe wildterness; his copilot got landmined and told him to go on

he went back but the viet kong got him and chopped him up or w/e but everypone thinks he left him

goblin knows theres a base with all the missiles and if they nail it; the missdiles would all go off and nail the bad guys hard

they meet a guy who tells em where but to say he never told em and they're nuts to try it

they can drop 2 on this plant and have 8 left to drop on the missile area

also they'll be 200-400 feet low

they go out and get fired on and go in and bust the plant then go on to the missile city

the enrmy firesd and they get a malfunction that f's the nav system or computer and they gotta do it manuel

a missile is fired at thema nd this reminds me of super thunder blade on genesis with em going through the city

thery go over and the weapons didn't drop as the jhet gotg f'd and they decide to try asgain as itys unexpected that they'd go back

thewy take some shells but nauil the missile city and the whole area blows like tyhat bill nye ep where he dropped a golf ball in a room of mousetraps

they get back and hear on the news that they nailed a childrens hospital and it ruined the peace talks

everyone knows it but the media takes the commies word for it

glover chews em out for going what was not an approved mission and they'll be court marshalled

they go to a gym and frewd dalton thompson sez they gotta tell the truth or will be in alaska for years waiting for resignation to process

but in 2011 ther alaska base gets busted byt the zentraedi attack with the grand cannon

they grill the duo and goblin jokes and sez they'll lose the war and main guy says they were attacking meaningless targets for years and he wantted to make a difference

he admits he f'd up and should hang but fred says they dont hang but they can dishonorable discharge him

later outside main guy sez sorry to willem but will e m sez he made his own choice and is glad he did it

they go back toi the court but wait, its just glover meeting them and telling him he dropped the charges and is gonna cover it up

turns out; American Prez Nixon is opening more attacks on nam and its wrong to punish guys for doing what they are gonna be doing now

at base glover sez main guy and willem are getting transfered out and at home in America; people are p-ssing on each other with malcontents being against the War and attacking returning soldiers

so then glover sez to the troops thattheir new mission is to take out missiles and defend the main plains to drop attacvks on em

the jets launch and je to je to je to man! lets go to bi da se! je to je to je to man! Cho jin sen tai! je to man!

the kongs attack and 1 jet is f'd and can't eject as his canopy is f'd so he goes down

willem and main guy are in tyhe base and the downed guy is found by the voet kong but fakes being dead and blwos one out with a hidden gun

the downed guy is glover and the guys wanna savber him but he orders them to return\

oh the guys whos were gonna save him was razor who he told of being italiano and is calling him straight razor as hes a weapon

the kongs are coming for him and back at the basewillem goblin and main guy are sent out as they need men

willem the green and main guy come in and take out a tanbk but get capped and eject and parachute down

they land in the jungle like jungle de ikou withouh the bikini babe and willem blacks his face so they think hes glover

main guuy makes it to glover on n64 and glpover b--ches at him for going against orders

willem comes across a kong and shankes him with a big a55 knife but nmight have been capped

the kongs are riught under hisd hill and a tanks commingbut american planes come by and fires on the commies

main guy wants to save willem but willem fires on him to make him go backl

willem sez the commies are using him for bait and he's f'd and fires a smoke thing and tells em to firte on hsi position

i just recalled that willem was in platoon and got it there too

he has 1 last smoke as hes already dead and gets blown apart by missiles

main guy and glover hoof it and the kongs are after em and open fire

maion guuy carrys glover and caps kongs and glover tells him to leave him

main guy drops a smoke thing and carry shim through the jumngle asnd straps golover in in the harness of the chopper then runs out at the enemy with guns blasting

they lopwer the harness and hes carried up and tyhey blow the pplace to burn it like sodom and gomorrah

at the carrierlater; glover is in a leg cast and main guy has a hand bandage and glover accepts him

glover is gonna become captain or maybe admiral and main guy hopes to be on his ship

the end

that was pretty good

kinda 90s looking and feeling, maybe like overdrawn at the memory bank

its well acted and has good action and effects

its manly and cool and has heart and isnt dragged down with a forced sad momenmt or tacked on love sideplot(they didn't waste time onm em here and kepty it low)

good music and filming and the storey goes in good places

it wouldsnt be made today as it makes America look not bad in Viet Nam Kong

ooh, basil poledouris did the music, he did robocop 1

its not super excellent bit its an above average movie andd holds up

glad i saw it

For Flight Of The Intruder 2 I want it to be the 80s and nam is nearing its end, but the viet kong have made a daemon pact with the sasquatch in the jungle who use their daemon tech gives em the power to fight back against the Americans. So America gets help from The Vatican rto supply them with holy armor froim bible times that allows trhem to fight on par with the viet nam sasquatches. Also its a 32/64 bit up to 4 player beart em up on Playstation 1, Sega Saturn, N64, DS and PSP where you are new commandoes who take on viet kong and their sasquatches and sometimes the sasquatches have devolved the viet kong to be more monstrous to fight stronger

Friday, December 17, 2021

Game Reviews Volume 18 From 2021 Part V

The last batch of games I beat for 2021 and my experiences of them.

Just beat Dark Rift on N64. What an ordeal! It was originally a Sega Saturn game that was cancelled and brought to N64. Ifs a fighting game like Bloody Roar or w/e where you play as these weird characters and daemons and beat down everyone. You use the C buttons to fight (Including as Block button) and B grabs, but you can switch em around in the menu. L/R makes you shuffle around foreground or background to dodge attacks and you use the D Pad to move around and Up is Jump. The controls don't always work as I did the Jump and attack to do a coming down thing and half the time it did nothing. Animations need to complete before you do anything but the enemy has instant movement. You even gotta turn around if the foe jumps over you! Its kinda cheap. So I out cheaped it by doing a few hits and running away until time ran out and I won. You can have 60 or 90 second  battles and best of 1 3 or 5 fights. There's infinite Continues so just play til you get good or lucky. I say put it on Best Of 1 Rounds so you only gotta beat em once. Also if you play it on Easy: You can't fight the last boss! Why have a Mode you can't finish the game on?! Overall I didn't care for this much. Good graphics and music and for some reason: All reviewers gush over it being 60fps, but I don't care about that! I just want it to play good! Normally I like fighting games but this wasn't good to me. Glad I beat it but I doubt I'll play it again. Oh and its by Vic Tokai, who's usually good, and made by Kronos Digital Entertainment who did 2 other games related to this: Criticom and Cardinal Syn, and they did Animation for the 90s Spider Man Cartoon. It looks cool and sounds good, but the gameplay could be better. In games like Street Fighter or Samurai Shodown you move instantly instead of the delay where the animation has to slowly go through. More proof 2D is better for Games.

Just beat Sin and Punishment on N64. Its a kind of Run and Gun game by Treasure taking place in the distant future year of 2007 where these alien things made by people to eat went wild and attacked. Its actually got English voices but as it was never released in America on N64 I got a Repro Cart and its fully Translated(But knowing a few Japanese Letters can help if you\ get the original). You use the C Left/Right or Left/Right on the D Pad to  move and the A Stick aims. Z is fire and holding it keeps firing but tapping it lets you sword slice close guys or knock back missiles at the enemy for more damage. You get a few Continues but get more every 100 guys you ice.. L/R is jump and A changes from lock on shots or Manual Aim that does more damage. You can save in this and go back to it later. The graphics are pretty N64 but its got some impressive things in it. The music is good and the Controls take a bit of getting used to, but its not too rough. The plot is pretty nuts and is hard to follow or make much sense but its cool. The voice acting is kinda bad but lovably wooden and I liked it. Like most Treasure games its creative and wild and is well made. It cost like over 80$ with the middleman but was worth it as I didn't wanna get the tools to swap the back of an actual Cartridge with an American one and assemble it myself. If you bite it you go back to the last invisible checkpoint and it usually don't send you too far back. There's a timer and if it runs out then your health starts leaking but there's time power ups and you get more time beating bosses I think. Glad I got this one. Its one of the better N64 games I did.

Just beat Juuoki/Altered Beast for Nes on my DS R4. Its a 1 plane Beat Em Up where you play as this Greek/Roman Furry who fights to save his god's daughter. A is punch B is kick and Start pauses. You get 3 lives and 2 Continues to beat 8 levels but there's a Level Select code to start from any Level. Up is jump and Up Up is double jump and as you go on: You kick these Blue/Gray dogs and they drop a Power Ball that makes you bigger/buffer/stronger. After the 3rd one you turn into a furry and get new powers from your attacks and can fly or swim in some formes. After you come to the boss you need to have 3 Power Balls collected or you gotta go through another round of enemies to get the Balls.  Its got decent graphics and nice music for 8 bit but is kinda harder than the Genesis one. Its done by Asmik and is weird as Altered Beast was the pack in game with the Genesis when it came out so it could show that Genesis Does What Nintendon't but they also put a version on Nintendo. Its pretty tough but if you bite it: You resummon where you fell, unless you use a Continue, which makes you restart the level. Glad I played it. The new forms are pretty good and the bosses are big and need to be hit with the right move in the right place. Some of these new formes seem to have inspired the GBA Altered Beast.

Just beat the NES Bucky O'Hare on my DS R4. Its sorta like TMNT meets Battletoads but you fight amphibians in it. It starts like Mega Man with you choosing your level from 4 planets and after each one, you rescue a team mate who you can switch to with Select. Start pauses, A is Jump and B is fire shots, but holding it charges your lower meter and lets you use your power like wall climbing or super jump. You get unlimited continues and they put you back where you bit it, but you gotta collect life up power ups to raise your max life and same with your lower meter and both reset when you game over. Its made by Konami but the guys who did it went on to make Treasure so its pretty good graphics and control. It came out after the Snes and was based off a show based on a comic that lasted 1 season. This one has unskippable cutscenes and they got pretty good art. Its pretty tough at times with 1 hit kills in some parts but can be beat if you keep at it. There's also a 5 character Password so you don't gotta beat it in 1 sitting and some parts like the mine cart level have impressive speed. Its a quality game that holds up and even though I never saw the show or read the comics, its enjoyable. Glad I did this one.

Just beat The King of Dragons for Snes on my DS R4. Its a beat em up sorta like Lord of the Rings or Dungeons and Dragons where you play as Phantasy things like a Wizard or Elf and fight through 16 levels. You level up and get stronger as you get more points and start with 2 Continues but can get more from the Mega Man Pinwheel/Shuriken thing. Sometimes you can get a floating orb that you can move by walking into it and hitting it unleashes a magic thing. 1 button is attack, 1 is jump, 1 is a Super attack that costs life and you can block with some characters. Its got good 16 bity graphics ands music and controls pretty well. You can change what buttons do what in the options and there's a 99 Continues truck if you do this 2 player thing. If you bite it, you get back up and continue, but using a Continue lets you  return where you fell but leaves an orb that can damage foes if hit. Its based on an Arcade Game from Capcom and was pretty popular. Biting it doesn't lower your level and as the game goes on: you get more life and hit harder as foes who game you trouble now go out in a swing or 2. Its quite well done and you feel like you are improving. Glad I did this one.

Just beat Wonder Boy in Monster World on my 100 Sega Master System games in 1 GBA Multicart. Its kind of a platform RPG where you get better weapons and items and solve puzzles. 1 button is attack and the other is jump, while start opens the menu. The Genesis version used a Battery Save but this uses a Password that's dozens of characters long. But if  you know what to do: It can be beat in like an hour. You heal at Inns and get the Password there but also get hearts and coins from beating guys. Its got pretty good graphics for 8 bit and the music and sounds are good. You can revive with a Potion but you can only carry 1 at a time but can buy more. I'm not sure what happens in you bite it as I didn't. It controls pretty well and you can use Magic and Items like healing juice by choosing it in the menu and pressing Up and a Button. You can't change items or magic on bosses but most are pretty easy. Its a pretty good game and works out pretty well. Nice solid Wonder Boy game, but its actually the 5th total Wonder Boy one and the 3rd Monster World one. Glad I did this one. Oh and you can upgrade your weapon, shield, boots and armor by finding or buying new ones, but don't need to get every one and can skip a few. For some reason: In my playthrough: When I got a Shield: It didn't register and wouldn't show up in my inventory so I had top play most of the game without one, but all it does is block shots from enemies, and I could just tank a few hits and go on. In the end the Legendary Shield let me equip it.

Just beat The Master System Y's The Vanished Omens on my 200 Sega Games Multicart on Genesis. Its a good RPG/Adventure Game like Zelda where you fight by walking into enemies at the right way. You gotta get em on the side a bit and not dead on. You level up with enough EXP from beating guys and can equip a sword, shield, armor and ring, plus an Item used with 1 button and accessing the menu with the other. You gotta doi minor quests and get these books of Ys to stop some bad guy. Rings are just an equip instead of a usable item and Items can be used up. Many items you get are one shots and you don't really need em besides getting past 1 thing. If some things are too hard, just level up by beating guys. You can save anywhere except Boss Rounds and it can be abused. You have a Max Level and even with the best Equips: There are some guys who cream you. If you bite it: You reload a past save and go on. I spent 6 hours on it plus another3-4 the day prior. You heal by standing still in an outdoor place but there's a Heal Ring that restores life like standing still but can be used in Danger Zones. On Bosses you can't change items or access the menu or use items like Life Potion. In the final part: You gotta go back through the level to find this 1 guy who only gives you the item to get to the final boss when you have the right book thats found close to the end. Twas kind of a pain to find him. Good 8 bit Graphics and nice music with an 80s vibe. It can move kinda fast as the Master System has the same Speed Processor as the Snes. I'm glad I finally did this one. Its pretty nice. The story is well done and is a good start to the series. Worthy Master System Game. Oh and if you don't have high enough Attack Power: The stronger enemies are immune to you until you get Tuff E Nuff.

Just beat Vector Man 2 on my 100 Genesis Games DS Multicart. Its kind of a run n gun platformer with Prerendered 3D Graphics that look pretty cool. C is Jump, B/A is Fire and in the Tank Levels: A makes you turn Left or Right. Its pretty hard as you don't get continues and only get a few lives, but you get multipliers like X2 X3 or X10 and when you get a power up while Multiplied: It gives you that many of it. You get a few hit points in a life bar but can increase your maximum life with power ups The game can be beat in like 20 mins if you skip everything or like an hour if you collect everything. There's power sacks of these green lumpy things hanging from the ceiling with goodies if you pop em with attacks and you can't jump down through platforms. If you jump and jump in the air: You do a boost jump that can damage foes pretty well. There's only like 4 bosses but there are bonus levels that have you flying a ship or doing Galaga where you gotta beat foes and collect clocks like in Back to the Future and can get extra guys. Your life isn't restored between rounds but there are codes like spelling Rubadub or Babaluu or Urabadlad with Up Down Left Right A B and C that can do things like give you Extra Guys or refill your Life or access a Level Select. There's weapon power ups that do more damage or autofire if you hold the button but they don't last too long and if you bust certain enemies: They drop a Sphere that turns you into a Vector Man Version of them lie a Scorpion or Rhino guy. There's a time limit and I never really had an issue with it, but the Twister Level got me to 22 seconds left when I beat it from missing a jump and going back up to try again. Some levels took me some time to figure out where to go. The graphics are some of the best on the Genesis and the music is cool. Some parts seem reused like the Lava level looking like a Recolored Ice level from the 1st game. Glad I did this. Its a great 16 bit experience.

On March 24: Just beat Contra: The Alien Wars on my 68 Gameboy Games in 1 Multicart. Its an 8 bit ver of the Snes game and was done by Factor 5 who did the Turrican games..A Jump B is fire and Select is a Screen Nuke you get reset to 1 of each time you bite it. You get a few lives and 3 Continues and each time you bite it you resummon where you bit it. Using a Continue puts you back. There's also a 4 letter Password that puts you back at the start of the level with the same item, nukes and lives. You can get a power up like Spread Gun or Flame Thrower and these last til you bite it. There's only 5 levels and it don't take long to get through, esp with nukes and knowing what your doing. Its simple but works. An issue I had was walking off cliffs when I tried to jump. Overall its actually pretty easy compared to other Contra Games and you can cheese it by using a Password instead of Continue so you never run out. This game was worth getting and I'm glad I played it. Even the Top Down Levels were not so bad and it don't got Tank Controls so when I wanna go left, I press left. Its a bit stiff to control but its on a GB and cut back from 16 bit so its understandable.

Just beat The Terminator for Sega Master System on my 200 Sega Games Genesis/Master System Multicart. Its a Run N Gun Game by Virgin based on Terminator 01 where you play as Kyle Reese and gotta do 5 levels to stop Arnold from taking out Sarah Conner. You get 1 life and 0 Continues, but the game can be beat in like 10 mins and is only 5 levels. Plus there's a Level Select code accessed by Holding  1 button when the Title Screen is on, then tapping the other to make the screen go black, then (Maybe when still holding the button) then pressing Left Left Up Up Right Right Down Down. If you wanna jump across something  you gotta be moving and if you fall from too high it ends you. 1 button is jump and 1 is attack and you get different items like Grenades or a Shot Gun. Against Arnold you can only knock him back with blasts and in the night club level you gotta  blast him back, advance, then duck to avoid his shots and repeat til he's done. You can take a few hits but if Arnold touches you: your done. Your life refills after going from 1 area to the next and there's enemies that resummon after a few seconds. Its got pretty good graphics and the music is good and controls fine. Its kinda unforgiving plus some parts you gotta know where to go, but if you just watch a speed run or long play its not hard to learn. Its by Virgin and is a pretty well made game that is good if you want something you can do in a few mins. It follows the movie well and has nice cutscenes that looks like some kinda Amiga thing. Its usually good to take a few steps and fire then advance, but if there's 2 enemies on the screen, more don't come so if you can outrun the 80s punks in level 2 who throw Molotov Cocktails; they can't catch you and you can just run to the end. Oh and there's a Timer but its not too punishing. Glad I played this. Its pretty cool.

Just beat Jurassic Park on my 106 Game Gear Games GBA Multicart. Its a Platform/Run N Gun game where you do 4 levels in any order, then, if you didn't use any Continues: You do the final level. 1 button is attack and 1 is jump and on the pause menu you can change your weapon from a Straight Shot Wave Blast, A Grenade that goes in an Arc then makes a Pillar of Fire, And a Diagonal Up Shot that goes left/right at a height. Each level starts with a Gallery Shooter where the D Pad moves the Crosshairs and you defend the Car from Dinosaurs. If you take too many hits, it ends, but you can earn extra hit points by capping these Gas Can things that come out, and refill life by firing in front of the Car as it goes by a Rock. After a while a boss comes and you gotta blast it enough to beat it. But if you get beat, the only penalty is starting the level with 1 Hit Left. You get coins from beating guys and after 10 you get a Continue. Biting it on a boss restarts the boss fight but using a Continue restarts the level at the bonus driving thing. The graphics are pretty impressive and I like the Brachiosaurs who swing their heads down in 1 level cuz it looks cool. Nice colors and its got good music. It controls pretty well and you can climb on the ceiling by jumping to it and holding up, and go up platforms by holding up and jump while hanging. You can collect 1st aid kits that you can collect and  use em in the options menu to refill the health bar. It plays pretty well and the driving levels are kinda optional as you can just collect a health power up dropped by a shot Dino to remove the penalty. Its got nice cutscenes and the ending kinda sets up Jurassic World as they catch the Dinos and get the Park running. Maybe Jurassic World is a sequel to this? But its a decent game that can be beat in like 20 mins or so depending on if you do the Driving Rounds. Glad I played this.

Just bear Rastan On my 200 Genesis/Master System Games Genesis Multicart. Its a Conan like game where you play as a big muscley dude with long hair and a speedo/boots and fight monsters to save a princess. 1 button is jump and 1 is attack and you can't pause. You don't got lives but have 3 Continues but that's not enough, so as this is an Arcade game originally, and in Arcades you can just put in another coin, It you hold both buttons and press diagonally down/left when the title comes on: You get unlimited Continues. You can attack up or when ducking and jumping and down and attack can attack there. You can pick up different weapons like a fire sword that shoots fireballs or a mace that extends but they only last a bit. The jumping is kinda off as you can only jump straight up, or in a close or long arc by using the D Pad and it takes some getting used to. You can wall jump by jumping at a wall then aiming the D Pad away and jumping again. Its got nice music and good 8 bit Graphics and if you bite it: you return to the last area you entered, an outside level, castle, or boss. Its pretty balanced if you use the Infinite Continues code but with only 3, will take much training. Its pretty good and the ending cut scene has nice graphics and really good music. If you can keep a power weapon to a boss: it does more damage. 1 level has a huge Dragon with a moving head and its pretty cool. Glad I played this one. Its pretty cool. Oh and as the game goes on, your Life Bar Extends.

Just beat Brawl Brothers for SNES on my DS R4. Its a beat em up and part 2 of the Rushing Beat series. You choose 2 of 5 players  and fight the other 3 as bosses as I think in the Japanese version its clones like in Robotech. 1 button is attack, 1 is jump, 1 is life burning move and 1 is pose. There's grabs and throws and slams and each player has different speed and damage. In the American version is these Maze levels where you gotta go up and down an elevator or through this sewer and find your way to the boss by choosing the right path. Its kinda annoying and unless you have a guide: will eat time. You can run with left or right twice, but often I try to inch forward and it goes into a run and I  go into an electric floor or in a pit. Enemies can damage each other with shots and grenades. I find often I'm attacking and get no hits, but he takes a shot without moving and I take a punch. A few bosses are kinda tough but its not impossible. You get yo to 5 Continues and if you bite it you go on where you fell, even if you use a Continue. You can choose a new character if you use one But some are kinda tricky. If you attack when the foes are getting up you can punch em back and loop em. Its not great and bugged me with the control and hit detection, but its not awful. Oh and after you bite it and resummon: you choose where to go and foes follow so you can go over a pit and they'll jump off before you go back to land and press start. Glad I played it. Oh and you can unlock the Japanese version of the game on the American copy with a code. There's also an Angry Mode you can turn on in the options but I don't know how to use it in the game so I never used it I hear its a temp boost of power or something. Oh and you can change what buttons do what. Oh and the Japanese version doesn't have the maze levels I hear.

Just beat Ninja Gaiden on my 100 Sega Genesis Games  Ds Multicart. Its an unlicensed version of the Arcade game and is a 2 player Beat Em Up where you can choose which button is Attack, Super Attack or Jump. Pressing left or right twice does a roll to go faster than walking somehow and you can roll and Super Attack to do a Break Dance Move. If you walk straight you go down naturally and gotta press Up to keep from the bottom and the roll move happens more often than you want. This game is super easy as you can beat most guys with 1 combo of hammering Attack and you never seem to run outta lives. Bosses are not tough but you got a time limit and it wacks you if its out. The Super Attack I think costs life and can't be  used if you have too low bars at the top of the screen. Some levels have you go up and down like in Shinobi by holding Up or Down and Jumping. Its got good 16 bit Cutscenes and nice Genesis Music. I like the Night Blues it uses and its cool style. If you pause and press Jump or something: It skips the rest of the level. Overall its a nice simple game that can be won with just a bit of time. I liked it but if you prefer really hard games, its not it. Glad I played this. Its pretty cool.

Just beat The Peace Keepers for Snes on my DS R4. Its the 3rd part of the Rushing Beat Beat Em Up Saga and like the other 2: has a different name to act like its its own thing. Kinda like how none of the James Bond movies have anything in the Titles in common. 1 button is punch, 1 is jump (I can double jump but only tried it with Echo) 1 is recoil super attack and 1 is pose or something. If you take enough damage you go to Angry Mode and I think are invincible and do more damage and change colors for a bit but only once her life. You start with 2 Continues, which work as lives and biting it has you continue where you fell. Some enemy's attacks can damage others and in 2P mode you can turn off friendly fire. Its not so bad and has nice graphics but no music and you can run by double tapping left/right and press attack to do a rush thing. 1 part had me fighting 2 hulking wrestlers and I did the rush attack on em against a wall and it somehow got in a loop for endless damage until they were ground down. There are different characters that play different and you can unlock some. There's also branching paths that can change the ending but not the final boss to my knowledge. It takes place in the distant future year of 2015 after the economic issue of 2011, which is close enough to History. Also there's an evil company devolving people and you gotta stop em. The game boss is tough until you realize you can stand at the left edge of the screen, walk up, and walk down when he attacks to grab and throw him into the wall, then move up and repeat. Its not too bad and you can even customize colors of characters in the menu. Oh and the characters and levels are named after Cultural things like Shakespeare or Escape From New York. 

The Black Tulip Review

 Note: i spell lie tulips on an organ

Black Tulip

This is my review on Black Tulip from 1921 (100 years before Johnny Mnemonic with cyuborg dolphin hackers and VHS tapes)

Its based on a book I never read by, Alexcander Dumas?! Ok now I'm interested

Its directed by Maurits Binger who did nothing I saw and Frank Richardson who also did nothing I saw

It stars some 1800s euriopeany guys i never heard of   but My dad I think had the Classics Illustrated Comic Book of this

So it starts with a proclaimation wanting asnyone who makes a black tulip to be awarded an a55load of money 

this guy nameds cornelius, or corny, is gonna ttry to make a black tulip and so was his friend isaac who got jeaklous of him

1 guy is against the gov and is the bad guy  with a weird a55 french a55 name that startts with a t

the people hate these de witt bros whpo rule but aint popular

so its trudeau? a beta male who isd in charge despiite 70% of the people voting against him?



so they send em to his relative or homie or w/e corenelius where a dw gioves em to him

but a guy, i think isaac, is listening and can hear a silent film trhrough doors

if there's evidence that can f their careers, dont that mean they've been doping something bad and shouldnm't rule?

its like if gacy was running for prez and he kept it wquiet about the 30+ bodies in his baswement full of his dna

sso months  lster the dws are still p-ssing off the people and all but corny signed a thing to return ropyalty to soviet franch

unlike japaan; monartchy dont work in most countries

yeah the kaizer and the czar were cool, but look at england! its f--ked! their church was started by henry 8! he chopped up a bunxh of his wives! He's like a castlevania OJ Simpson!

t boy becomes leeader of the l;oyaliists i meran royaLISTS wait, this ciornelius is corvenmmiel; de witt, not main cornielus, and he signs the thing to restyore the royals

i guess soe countries just aren't mean for freedom

in america; its we the people, but here i guess the WANT to be subserviant to tjhe regent

so de weitt os in jail for his cr-ppy leadership and is accused of wanting to wack the prince and is tortured to make him confess but finally bites it and goes toi h e double india

wait, he tells a guy, his bro, to tell main corny to get rid of the letter that would f him up

destroying evidence in your corruption? wqho are you? hill ur lee?

also; why were you daving those?! If i have video of me b0ning a dog, you think imma give it to a guy? NO! put it in the microwave! don't save it! f--kin dumba55!

i know they're french, and thus; evolutionarily challenged, but still!

so he writes a lertter to main corn to destroy the letters, as i guess ddw corn wanmted to save em to j-rk off to, and t man finds out and sends a papper email saying the main corn has letters against the prince

so dw corn's man races to give main corn a message and the gov sernds a guy to search main corns place

mesenger gets there 1st but then the gov comes and gets the papers and arrests him

also isaac i think goes to jack his black tulip

in jail is this jailer who isa a c-ck sucker and his daughter rosa played by zoe palmer

rose palmer? like from urotsukidoji? is jurgen offen here too? mayber lucy morals?

so main coren goes to jail and dw coren is gonna be exiled

the people haD ENUFF OF his sh-t and are gonna string him up so a guy runs out aN DRAWS THEIR attention as dw corn sneaks out

the guards are ordered to stand down and the people get in and catch dw corn and his bro and string em uip or something

but the movier makesd it look bad these politicians who had dark secxrets exposed and were takewn down by the people who hated em is "badf" somehow

when musolinni got it they make it look bad

ort gadfaffi

or saddam

so wait, i think they aimnt ended yet, and had their propperty seized and will be executed

but spoiler; the reason they got caught; is cuz of the REAL things they did!

the notes were not fake

they don't deny their guilt

but now that their sins caught em; they try to make it look bad

wait, i think its main corn, i cant keep these c-ck suckers straight

well he writes a thing saying he gives his cr-p to rosa, incluiding his black tulip thing and the money it would win

also its the 1570s so its around the time of Christopher Belmont in the GB Castlevanias

before africastlevania: the blaxploitation one with Shaquile Bromont vs Blacula, with Richard Roundtree as Shaft!

also some guys wanna buy sh-t from ther stuff seized from maIN corn

main corn offers to marry rose and uses 3 black tulip seeds that he somewhowe has as i guess they didnt search him whjen he went to jail, or he had em in his a55(well, he IS french) as a dowry

she dont consent but hugs him as hes in da friend zone i think

so thery take main corn away but t uirns out; hes going to some prison instead of execuituion

so a guy tells rosa that corn lives in the a55 jail and in the fortressd jail like casaandora in hokuto no ken; corn misses rosa

rosa and her prison ruler dad are sent to this foretressd jail and sahe reunites with main coren for a bit

ddad dont like main corn and takes his books and candles for beign a traitor\

noiw all he can do is j-rk off in on the floor



what? he's french!

look at the marquis de sade!

and now at a bar; or pub if your english/devolved, dad meets t man and wantys to marry rosa to him

but rosa likes corm main and wants tyo help him by doing somethiug with the prince as she knows the secret path to his private guardan and had asked himn to transfer her and dad to this fortress jail

also she brought main corn her bulbs and wait, i think its isaac whos gonna marry daughter, not mr t

sao isaac using his relationship with rosa as an excuise, he gets to go around the fortress jail and dad tells her she's gonna marry himn but she don't wanna

rosa used her girl skills to handle trhe guard of main corns cell and letcame in it with him to probablu b0ne

but really they are talking about blacvk tuilips and isaac overhears

isaac goes back to the bar and tells dad thast rosa is with main corn and dad goes in and  fights him and busts his black tulips

he brings rosa out and she's bummed and isaac is disgruntled thatr dad busted the tulips

icaas knew rosa had another flower and rosa and corn main agree not to meet while the remaining tuilip is in danger

shesd malcontent he cares for a plant more than her but he's just autyistic or something

isaac was in her room and she finds somethings off when she returns and tells coarn a55 something

dad sees em anbd pulls her away and is gonna beat the black odffa her butn corn a55 grabs him to stop it

dad sez if you attack a prison head he gets executed

but one guy is going to the prince i think, wait, its the plant prize city and its rosa ghoing

at nightrosa drops a thing for corn a55 and he wakes up and puts on shopes and goes out to a horse cart\

wait, its not corn a55 its i think isaac who rosa jacked his black tulip he store and they fight

he stuffs her a55 in this wood place and oh itds a wifndmill, and she climbs dfown the blades

rtosa shows the tulip to the citry flower thing and they say its 2 black tulips so far

the prince comes by to see the flower and isaac has 1 and rosa sez it was stole

prince hears rosa and is gonna punish isaac and release conrna55

rosa shows the paper the seeds were in tyo rpicne and its the letter saying to destroy the leffets from dw corn

so prince has a feast of the black tulip, which sounds like a yugioh card, and sez for the black tulip maker to come forward and a now brought there corn main comes out

prince sez da plants gonna be named after ityts founders and will impriosoon icaacin fortress jail

tthen years later; corn main and rosa are married and have a kid

The End

That was not bad

decent period piece

good acting and expression

good twists

it had a happy ending unlike most french things (I'm looking at you victor hugo)

not too long

most of it was told through title cards with some acting showing movement

but that makes sense as its a book

its not actiony but its has a good heart

glad I saw it

For the black tulip 2 i want the bad guy isaac to get poout of jail and wants revenge on cornelius and gets his good to go aFTER HIM. bUT IN THE TIME HE WAS IN JAIL; CORNY HAS MADE plants that work as bioarmor that can be worn to increase power and defence aND he and his wife and son and daughter wear them and fight their way through them! also its a 4 play 16 bit bear em up on sega genesis, snes, tg16 gba and atari jaguuar where you play as the guy, his wife and his kids to take on these tough frenchies and their drug enhanced bodies.

Thursday, December 9, 2021

The Unholy Three Review

 Note i spell non un holy

the unholy 3

this is my review opn The Unholy Three from 1925 (100 years before Transformers Victory hasppened)

Its directed by Todd Browning who makes offbeat and f'd up weird films with the same bunch of his homies

Totally not like Tim Burton

It stars Lon Chaney, Mae Busch from Doctor X, Matt Moore from the 1916 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Victor McLaglen from The Quiet Man, Harry Earles from Freaks and The Wizard of Oz (in the lollypop guild), Edward Connelly from The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse/The Prisoner of Zenda/The Torrent/The Show, E. Alyn Warren from The Mask of Fu Manchu aND SOME 1800S HOMIES I NEVER SAW IN ANYTHING ELSE


f u caps lock

also it was remade as lon chaney's only taLKIE WITH A NEW DIRECTOR BUT i think this ones better

as todd browning ran away and joined the circus as a youth; itr kindda screwed him up and he did all these crime movies of bad guys as the maion characters (usually lonb chaney)

so after credits and titles we get  sideschow with a 600lb fat chick and people doing tricks like sword swallowing and siamese twibns

hercules is a strongman who bends horse shoes with his hands and a mom tells her kdf not to smoke so he can grow up strong like him

kinda f;d as smoking killerd lon chaney

then lon chaney is a vewntriloquest whop uses a dfummt  called nemo annd after his show; sellsa a card of jokes for a dime

there;'s a dancingh girl who wears an outfitr thats sexy for the 1800s and will do more if they come in and pay more

theres a chick who lon likes who gives him a watch but she wont go out with him as hes too honest

i tthink shes a pickpcklet and lon trys to turn her straight

then thewres a midget who goes mental at people jokingh at him and kicks a kid

a brawl breaks out and lon gives the stuff stole to chick and hides wiuth his dummy as the cops come in

later this cheepy guy like the joker is planning smething with midget and i think herc and they can make millions

strongman sez its spooky ort unholy and creepy guy, wjho i thinik is lon chaney, sez; they'll call themselves; the unholy 3

that sounds like a p0rn0 ort demon worship group

so then theres a pet shop and chick is there and likes this guy hector and this granny takes care of a baby

granny gets p-ssed at her for coming onto hector and takkes off the wiog bto reveal its lon chaney and baby is midget

midget nmouths off to lon who is gonna kick his lttle a55 but herc comes in and sstops it

so granny lon comes out (and they'd probably call lon chaney gender issues now as he wears a dress like they did for lancer ihn robotech) and uses his ventriloquism to make it look like da burdz talk

also the paper sez a house they ssold a bird to got jacked last night

a guy calls saying the patrrrot theyt sold him dont talk and this isn't the 1st time

lon tells him that he's gonna come over to make it feel at home

lon and midget come by and leavbves midget in a room saying he'dd cry is he sees the b i r d and midged acts like it wants the shiny  nmecklace jewels this guy holfds

lon coes back and gets midget to give it up and they leave

then its Chriatrmas Eve (Is this a Xmas movie?) and in da shop the 3 are in da back  and hector knocks something overt wioth a xmas tree

but the 3 are not in costume aND would be recognised and lon told chick to stay away from hector

they hide and hector sez for granny to go back to bed as chick and hect trim da tree

lon wants to pull a job tonight and wants hector out and chick goes out and sezx granny otta help with the tree

herc sez he's the stronbg one sop he should bne in charge and lon gets dressed as granny and comes out

midget and herc go out to do the job and hectersez to lon he wants chick to marry him

later we get a newspaper saying the guy with the jewels was iced and his 3 year old was f'd up in the robbery

they chopped up a 3 year old? that's pretty f'd, esp for a 20s film

at the store the midget lauighs at how his vcictim begged for his life as he iced him and strongman hercules joins in but lon thiunks they are sh-t ofr killing a guy

for once; lon chaney is the lesser of 3 evils

usually hes the remorseless killer like in phantom of the operas or the unknown

so the cops fdind thast granny and her baby knew there wwere jewels in the place

lon wants to not have the jewels as they were attained through murder(but stealing is ok? there's commandments against both! Why not just get emm through b0ning?!)

then the detective comes by and asks em about the guy who was iced but think it was a guy they saw who did it

midgelato hides his jewels in a toy elephant thats head moves and cop picks it up to look at it

its a close call but midget calls it a cow and wants it back but cop notices it rattcles

hercules takes it and gives it to the midget saying he hates people teasing babies

midget reaches in it and eats something like candy or t-rds in it to savery suspeicoionm

then midget bankgs on this drum and coop goes to the store area to talk to hector abnout the bird delivery

theres a huge ape pl;ayed by a normal sized chimp in a cager but they use tricks to make it look bigger,, and do a good job

hector checks the scheduel and finds he delivered the bird and cop is suspect

they decide to frsame hector for the weacking by plantiung the jewels in hius room as they are gooing for bearign false witness and their next ccommandment to break

in xmas hector wants to marry chick but she laughs as she rerveals she never loved him amnd weeas leading him on

heartbroken he pulls out a deringer and puts int it his mout, then pulls the trigger and his head blows open from the top

jk really he leaves sadly and chick feels sad too and throws an itgem

he returns and she reveals she tried not to but actually loved him but shes a pick pocket and he dont care as he did bad when he was young

buit midgeto has planted the jewels in his room and escaped

hector leaves but lon head it and confronts her but she sez she loves him and lon sez he's gonna do something about it

later the papers say how hector was arested for wacking the jewel guy

At base; lon reads the paper and it says hectors alibni was being weith granny at the store so lon is gonna stop cross dressing but herc sez he cant as cop saw herc here and he can't take off his make up like him

they argue and hgerc is strangling lon but chick comes in and says shes gonna save hector from the chair

lon and herc catch her and the cops have sent ofdficer regan (like in blue bloods) to the bird store

herc and midghet take chicm to the car and lon empties the store of sh-t and herc gets the huge a55 ape, which is done with the midget in clothes like herc shot from behind to look like its him

it looks real but you can tell how they did it

better than cr-ppyu a555 cgi they'd use noiw

or the guy in the cr-ppy a66 ape suit in the remake

wait; its long gettinmmg apula in

they get away before the cops come and by spring the case has reached trial

the defence canty find granny as a witness or chick and the unholy guys have been hiding up in a cabin withnthe apeasaur in a room with a small chair to make the ape look huge

chick and lon go for a walk and midget wants to cut lon out anmd split the loot between him and herc

herc is gonna j fk lon but has a better idea

chick sez to lon if he saves hector she'd be his woman but lon knows shes love him more

lke in hokuto no ken with shin and yuria and ken

also hew thinks she'd betray him and ruin off with hectror

she sez she loves hector and will be his woman lie in degrassi how bianca was that guys butt buddy to save drew from his gang  and lon believs her and goes to the city

in court he slips a not to the defence saying itsx from, granny and tells him to go on the stand and not say anything

he does aND he lon throws his voice to make it seem like hector is talking to tell the granny and other 2 werre men called the unholy 3

but the judge sez no one corfirmed the story 

at the cabin; midget seez herc offering tpo run off ewith chick and take the loot and midget frees the huge ape to waste em

the ape is shot in the doorway with a projection thing i think so it looks like its as tall as the doorway

also he comes out of a smaller doorway to look like he';s that big

herc busts into the midghets room and sdtrangles him as the ape breaks into his room and either b0nbes him dead or tears him apart with its bear hands

chick runs and the copsd are coming by and she gets em

at the trial, lon asks a guy if hector will get the chair and he sez yes

lon then stands up in court b4 the jury comes out and admits to being granny and in the unholy 3

he confesses his crimes offscreen and the law lets hectror and lon go

later hector gets a letter from chick saying she loves him but cant see him anymore

chick goes to ln to fulfill her end of the bargin and he sez they don't love each other so she an go with hector

she goes off and reunites with hector and makes out in public, witch is too much for mthe 20s and they'd probably be charged with pubnlic indecency

then lon goers back to his side show job after he sacrificed his chance to get the girl he's into so she could be happy like pretty much every other lon chaney movie

the end

that was quite good

nice clean crime story

goood acting and style

good effects

no swearing or nude scenes or gore

good message

lon chaney was good as usual

it had a huge fat chick

the ape scnees were well done

good twists

it holds up

tod browning does it again

For Teh Unholy Three 2 I want it to be about the huge ape that iced the strong man to be roaming the countryside and coming acxross a sasquatch hive and being an ape; attcks them and busts em up. also its an 8 bit nes, game boy, atari 7800 and lynx, tg16, sega master system and game gear where you play as the aper and bust through their town and take on the sasquatch forces.

Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Hombre Review

 Note I spell  non un reverse mexicano


this is my review on hombre from tthe distant future year of 1967

its directed by martin ritt who did The Spy Who Came In from the Cold and Sounder

I don't think i saw this b4 but its wrtote by elmore leonard, who i assume is the dad or grandpa of Anatole Leonard from Robotech

It stars Paul Newman who makes pasta sauce, Fredric March from the 30s dr jeckly and mr hyde, Richard Boone from The Robe, Diane Cilento from Captain Horatio Hornblower, Cameron Mitchell from Jack-O (So awful its fun), Barbara Rush from It Came from Outer Space, Martin Balsam from On The Waterfront, Frank Silvera from The Greatest Story Ever Told, Val Avery from Cobra, Larry Ward from The Moon Is Blue ep of M*A*S*H*, and some 1920s dudes i never heard of

this got good reviews and is said to be well done

also hombre is the italiano word for homie

so after crtedits to olde timey pictures of the olde weste, we get paul newman as a native guiy with blue eyes as he's polish ands is in this power rangers looking place with hroses

so this big black hoprse like kokuoh go from hokuto no ken comes by and lweads a packm of horses around to a water hole

a cowboy comes by and some indians catch him and newman seals the artea with woodto trap e,

cowboy came for newman and is named billy like the guy from midnight express and sez they are closing down newmans horse business and to bring newman in to meet the e big boss

he and some droogs come to this mexico at a restaurant or bar or w/e they had b4 McDonalds and mexcio is the boss who sez this guy who raised newman bit it

newman inherits a boarding house and a watch and can live with the White Men and be American

also theres a woman working in ther house and newman dont wanna but mexico says he can do well to be White

some cowboys come by and joke about the mexican and newmnan being in ther bar and hassle em with bumping a drink in their face

newman comes in with a gun over spilled drinksand pistol whips him weiotyh a rifle over it and makes him p[ay for the spilled drink

the Cowboys leave saying he's gonna waste him nexttime and newman and his droogs go on

in this house this chick and a mexichick are cooking and chick tells this guy to move to elsewhere as he's been squatting there for a year and a newe owner is comming and she wants to make things look good

also is a couple ith a chick whos in bed a lot but isn't 700lbs like the tlc blobs as she has nothing to do and he b--ches at her

she escaped a cr-ppy faRM BUT now just gets b0ned by her husband and she dont like it so he sez he might as well get a dog, which i assume he'd use for b0ning

husband goes down and chick sez husband and wife fight and they only got married to b0ne

a guy comes in and says that newman was caught by apache and raised as one and now hates his race

sounds like teens on tumbler and twitter

so neweman comes by with a haircut and she shows him around and she talks of his dad and shows how he can make 300$ a year in 1800s money on it

he got an offer to sell the house and he dont owe her anything and is gonna leave em to rot

chick goes to the 1st guy she talked top named frank and suggests marrying him as they getta long and she helps him

he dont consent as he sez he's got no worthy futrure and was clewaning spitoons a dime a day since he was 10 and is sherrif now and might get capped

a lady coems by this moustahced guys place and husband and moustache wanna do something

so the boarding house boarders are together and not charles bronson (buit looks like him)  comes over and offers newman a good time tyo hang out and drink but newman wants to skip town

not broncon wants to take newemans seat on the coach out but a guy interveinesd andnot broincon is gonna taker his seat and threates to lie about him and ice him

what is he? the media?

he sez hes going out and if this army ghuy dont come out, he's coming back, and army guy who interviebned gives up his ticket and leaves

chick says newman should have helped but newman sez its not his business

so chick, not bronsopn, lady, husband and newman are on a coach and talking abotu what apache DO TO WOMEN and how they eat dogs and newman sez he was hungry enough to eat dogs

newman reveals he lived with the apache and they stop by a restaurant and lady's husband don't want newman to ride in ther coach witht hem cuz they think hes dangerous

like he's uninjected or something

so non bron son is smoking and lady is bugged by it and he complies

chick tells new man she didn't want him out of the coach and he rides a horse behind em and will probably get rickets and hemmorhoids form it

wait he's on the shotgun seat

they sdtop for a rest and non bronson notices they are on a different path than advertized and its revealed they voted to go here when non bronsonw as sleeping

chick starts getting undressed and newlman comes out and she dont mind

she reveales she was married but her husband was capped over a dispiute over a saddle

wife chats with non bronson and when she sez she likes maanly guys he starts trying to b0ne her but she gets away

she wants to get her husband to ice him but chick sez she brought it on herself for being a 5kank and she'd just get husband iceed

so the coach goes on asnd they notices they forgot a weater bag behind

the females try perfume andtalk about guys andfd how lady's husband is all gross and sticky and makes sounds

they go on and gotta walk up hill and chick talks about wanting a rare steak and a rich bf

they come across some gunmen who work with non bronsdon and frank works with em

they made this guy tell em where the coach was going after it didn't sahow up and i assume they pulled out his bones one by one until he talked

the gunmen look the coach and its revealed they jack oney meant for indians and keep it for themselves

moustache sez there's witnesses and the gunmen say theres none who'll talk and lady;'s husband by dr jeckle is the one embezzeling the money

a gunman recognizes newman but doint know from where and non bronson takes lay for a hostage or butt slave or w/e

they throw away the guns and ammo and send the horses ofgf and leavebut newmasn is on the coachj saying hes getting his things

they shoot out the watyer bag and leave them to eat each other and he drops a huint that he was the guy in the bar who beat him wiuth a gun for spiklling the drinks

then caps the gunmen with a hidden shot gun

newman goes off and the coach crew follow and wanna get out together butlady's husband sez how its fair if he dson'tr want em as they made him sit out

also he's been thinking of the money and newman sez to stay until they come back and they take em out

its kill or be killed and if they don't wanna join; thery can walk home wqith dr jeckle

newman assigns positions and tells em when to fire and hands out guns as the gov hasn't taken emn away so only the bad guys have em

so non bronson omes back and has a scuzzy dude by him  and moustache has to take him out

he f'd up so newman j fk's him  but he's not dead yet and sez AEEE OMM BRAY and how he's gonna cap him back

he waves a flag and comes up and shows off his bloodless bullet hole and if they gives them the  water and money; he can get laDY back or they'll cap her

newman dont care like he's violence jack and mexico goes back seeing his bluff is called

so thery're in the desert wasteland like hokuto no ken and have rations and jeckle tells moustache he respects his bravery to try to  j fk the guy

bt while newmans out, jeckle gets a gun and takes their saddlebags and water, but neuman comes back with his gun telling him to usew the gun or drop it

he drops it and tells jeckle to beat it and jecjkle ewalks off

then its darker but actually shot in day and edited to look datk and chick is impressed by how bada55 newman is

then its edited to ber darker and they walk the night and hear gunshots

then its day and wife is foot bleeding from bad shoes and they make it to a shed or something and jecjle comes by outsiode and truys a water pump that has none

chick wants to help him but newman dont want her to as its too risky and she didnt say anytthing whhen they sent him outr

she goes out and calls to hi and he chugs the water she told him of

non brionson and some goons and lady come by and they go to a different shed

then a goon comes up saying he wants to talk and newman wwants to  j fk him but moustache prevents it

oh itds non bronmson who sez he can ssend for more guys to bring foods/water and they cant

so if they gives up the monery, he'd let em go

newman puls a gun on him and he fa;lls as newman fires at him

laater they bring the lady out and tie her to the ground and run off

oh its AEE OMM BRAY guy doing it and he'sd leaving her to die in the head

she calls for help and chick talks with newman about how they otta help her

he trys to make itr look like she deserves toi die for not having a good viuew on indians and he's gonna ssacrifice her for money

he's like one of tose internet commies who trys to ruin lives for any infraction

moustache says The Lord is watching and jeckle denies The Lortd (Which is odd as he was the Creationist in Inherit The Wind) but theyu agree there is h-ll (But without Tjher Lord, who made h-ll?)

so she's still calling but newman gives no f--ks as she triggered him, but sez if they go to help her; they'll both be iced

lol 1 guy is named billy lee like double dragon

he asks em 1 by 1 who wiull try to save her and get iced and none stand up

then chick is gonna go down but newman is gonna go, like violence jack helping the kids after ryuu decides to stand and fight

nauiman tells husband of wife to be his sniper and to get the money to the indians

non bronson looks like a decrded uncle ricvo from napoleon duymamite

so naeumn comes down and lady is kinda devolved and he cuts her free

as she crawls up da stairs, newuman faces bronson for shooting him and newman throws he bag th cloths

lady is in front of the gun and the AEE OMM BRAY and nauman fires on on bronson and AEE OMM BRAY but takes a few shots

AEE OMM BRAY is still not ded and i think the other 2 are in h e doyble sovbiet california

they stick the guin in his mouth and say "pucker up butter cup" and blow his head off in a huge burst like in species II

jk really he asks who newman is and they say his name

then we get a photo of apache kids and wghhite kid nweman with em

the end

that was pretty good

it doesn't drag and goes by at a good pace

good mood feel and style

sorta like violence jack wity him being  not pure good but not fully evil

good filming and lighting and music and acting

Its a darker deeper film thaN MOST WESTERNSD BUT ismn;'t depressing or bummer

it holds up well and shows how hating those deemed lesser than can lead to bad

for Hombre 2 I want it to follow the young couple and the embezzeling couple as they live their lives on other parts of the country and eventuaslly meet at the end. the young one has joined the circus as he's a crack shot and sher's gotten an eating issue from the stress of this event and is 800lbs as the fat lady. Also the old couple is dealing with their handling of an indian uprising and they decide to eitrher quashj it or supporeet it. Its also a 16 bit game on Sega Genesis, Snes, TG16, Atari JaGUAR AND gba with 2 paths: A visual novel businerss MANAGER, AND THE OTHER A mINI gAME cURCUS THING.