Thursday, December 9, 2021

The Unholy Three Review

 Note i spell non un holy

the unholy 3

this is my review opn The Unholy Three from 1925 (100 years before Transformers Victory hasppened)

Its directed by Todd Browning who makes offbeat and f'd up weird films with the same bunch of his homies

Totally not like Tim Burton

It stars Lon Chaney, Mae Busch from Doctor X, Matt Moore from the 1916 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Victor McLaglen from The Quiet Man, Harry Earles from Freaks and The Wizard of Oz (in the lollypop guild), Edward Connelly from The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse/The Prisoner of Zenda/The Torrent/The Show, E. Alyn Warren from The Mask of Fu Manchu aND SOME 1800S HOMIES I NEVER SAW IN ANYTHING ELSE


f u caps lock

also it was remade as lon chaney's only taLKIE WITH A NEW DIRECTOR BUT i think this ones better

as todd browning ran away and joined the circus as a youth; itr kindda screwed him up and he did all these crime movies of bad guys as the maion characters (usually lonb chaney)

so after credits and titles we get  sideschow with a 600lb fat chick and people doing tricks like sword swallowing and siamese twibns

hercules is a strongman who bends horse shoes with his hands and a mom tells her kdf not to smoke so he can grow up strong like him

kinda f;d as smoking killerd lon chaney

then lon chaney is a vewntriloquest whop uses a dfummt  called nemo annd after his show; sellsa a card of jokes for a dime

there;'s a dancingh girl who wears an outfitr thats sexy for the 1800s and will do more if they come in and pay more

theres a chick who lon likes who gives him a watch but she wont go out with him as hes too honest

i tthink shes a pickpcklet and lon trys to turn her straight

then thewres a midget who goes mental at people jokingh at him and kicks a kid

a brawl breaks out and lon gives the stuff stole to chick and hides wiuth his dummy as the cops come in

later this cheepy guy like the joker is planning smething with midget and i think herc and they can make millions

strongman sez its spooky ort unholy and creepy guy, wjho i thinik is lon chaney, sez; they'll call themselves; the unholy 3

that sounds like a p0rn0 ort demon worship group

so then theres a pet shop and chick is there and likes this guy hector and this granny takes care of a baby

granny gets p-ssed at her for coming onto hector and takkes off the wiog bto reveal its lon chaney and baby is midget

midget nmouths off to lon who is gonna kick his lttle a55 but herc comes in and sstops it

so granny lon comes out (and they'd probably call lon chaney gender issues now as he wears a dress like they did for lancer ihn robotech) and uses his ventriloquism to make it look like da burdz talk

also the paper sez a house they ssold a bird to got jacked last night

a guy calls saying the patrrrot theyt sold him dont talk and this isn't the 1st time

lon tells him that he's gonna come over to make it feel at home

lon and midget come by and leavbves midget in a room saying he'dd cry is he sees the b i r d and midged acts like it wants the shiny  nmecklace jewels this guy holfds

lon coes back and gets midget to give it up and they leave

then its Chriatrmas Eve (Is this a Xmas movie?) and in da shop the 3 are in da back  and hector knocks something overt wioth a xmas tree

but the 3 are not in costume aND would be recognised and lon told chick to stay away from hector

they hide and hector sez for granny to go back to bed as chick and hect trim da tree

lon wants to pull a job tonight and wants hector out and chick goes out and sezx granny otta help with the tree

herc sez he's the stronbg one sop he should bne in charge and lon gets dressed as granny and comes out

midget and herc go out to do the job and hectersez to lon he wants chick to marry him

later we get a newspaper saying the guy with the jewels was iced and his 3 year old was f'd up in the robbery

they chopped up a 3 year old? that's pretty f'd, esp for a 20s film

at the store the midget lauighs at how his vcictim begged for his life as he iced him and strongman hercules joins in but lon thiunks they are sh-t ofr killing a guy

for once; lon chaney is the lesser of 3 evils

usually hes the remorseless killer like in phantom of the operas or the unknown

so the cops fdind thast granny and her baby knew there wwere jewels in the place

lon wants to not have the jewels as they were attained through murder(but stealing is ok? there's commandments against both! Why not just get emm through b0ning?!)

then the detective comes by and asks em about the guy who was iced but think it was a guy they saw who did it

midgelato hides his jewels in a toy elephant thats head moves and cop picks it up to look at it

its a close call but midget calls it a cow and wants it back but cop notices it rattcles

hercules takes it and gives it to the midget saying he hates people teasing babies

midget reaches in it and eats something like candy or t-rds in it to savery suspeicoionm

then midget bankgs on this drum and coop goes to the store area to talk to hector abnout the bird delivery

theres a huge ape pl;ayed by a normal sized chimp in a cager but they use tricks to make it look bigger,, and do a good job

hector checks the scheduel and finds he delivered the bird and cop is suspect

they decide to frsame hector for the weacking by plantiung the jewels in hius room as they are gooing for bearign false witness and their next ccommandment to break

in xmas hector wants to marry chick but she laughs as she rerveals she never loved him amnd weeas leading him on

heartbroken he pulls out a deringer and puts int it his mout, then pulls the trigger and his head blows open from the top

jk really he leaves sadly and chick feels sad too and throws an itgem

he returns and she reveals she tried not to but actually loved him but shes a pick pocket and he dont care as he did bad when he was young

buit midgeto has planted the jewels in his room and escaped

hector leaves but lon head it and confronts her but she sez she loves him and lon sez he's gonna do something about it

later the papers say how hector was arested for wacking the jewel guy

At base; lon reads the paper and it says hectors alibni was being weith granny at the store so lon is gonna stop cross dressing but herc sez he cant as cop saw herc here and he can't take off his make up like him

they argue and hgerc is strangling lon but chick comes in and says shes gonna save hector from the chair

lon and herc catch her and the cops have sent ofdficer regan (like in blue bloods) to the bird store

herc and midghet take chicm to the car and lon empties the store of sh-t and herc gets the huge a55 ape, which is done with the midget in clothes like herc shot from behind to look like its him

it looks real but you can tell how they did it

better than cr-ppyu a555 cgi they'd use noiw

or the guy in the cr-ppy a66 ape suit in the remake

wait; its long gettinmmg apula in

they get away before the cops come and by spring the case has reached trial

the defence canty find granny as a witness or chick and the unholy guys have been hiding up in a cabin withnthe apeasaur in a room with a small chair to make the ape look huge

chick and lon go for a walk and midget wants to cut lon out anmd split the loot between him and herc

herc is gonna j fk lon but has a better idea

chick sez to lon if he saves hector she'd be his woman but lon knows shes love him more

lke in hokuto no ken with shin and yuria and ken

also hew thinks she'd betray him and ruin off with hectror

she sez she loves hector and will be his woman lie in degrassi how bianca was that guys butt buddy to save drew from his gang  and lon believs her and goes to the city

in court he slips a not to the defence saying itsx from, granny and tells him to go on the stand and not say anything

he does aND he lon throws his voice to make it seem like hector is talking to tell the granny and other 2 werre men called the unholy 3

but the judge sez no one corfirmed the story 

at the cabin; midget seez herc offering tpo run off ewith chick and take the loot and midget frees the huge ape to waste em

the ape is shot in the doorway with a projection thing i think so it looks like its as tall as the doorway

also he comes out of a smaller doorway to look like he';s that big

herc busts into the midghets room and sdtrangles him as the ape breaks into his room and either b0nbes him dead or tears him apart with its bear hands

chick runs and the copsd are coming by and she gets em

at the trial, lon asks a guy if hector will get the chair and he sez yes

lon then stands up in court b4 the jury comes out and admits to being granny and in the unholy 3

he confesses his crimes offscreen and the law lets hectror and lon go

later hector gets a letter from chick saying she loves him but cant see him anymore

chick goes to ln to fulfill her end of the bargin and he sez they don't love each other so she an go with hector

she goes off and reunites with hector and makes out in public, witch is too much for mthe 20s and they'd probably be charged with pubnlic indecency

then lon goers back to his side show job after he sacrificed his chance to get the girl he's into so she could be happy like pretty much every other lon chaney movie

the end

that was quite good

nice clean crime story

goood acting and style

good effects

no swearing or nude scenes or gore

good message

lon chaney was good as usual

it had a huge fat chick

the ape scnees were well done

good twists

it holds up

tod browning does it again

For Teh Unholy Three 2 I want it to be about the huge ape that iced the strong man to be roaming the countryside and coming acxross a sasquatch hive and being an ape; attcks them and busts em up. also its an 8 bit nes, game boy, atari 7800 and lynx, tg16, sega master system and game gear where you play as the aper and bust through their town and take on the sasquatch forces.

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