Friday, June 30, 2017

Valentino Review

note; I spell like tommy wiseau talks
this is my review on valentino (1977)
also get f'd spell check for constantly turning valentino into valentine
this stars some gay soviet ballet dancer as rudolf krauser I mean vaintoni
its got carol kane and Michelle Phillips and Leslie Caron
its directed by ken russel who did weird cr-p
it starts with credits and newspaper and 20s footage saying Rudolf veninitoni bit it
wow theres a lot of Russians in here
yet dr zhivago had none
I should mention a lotta people hated this film
but it did well in englande
its widescreen
then we see vanlintinos body
its playing a 20s song about him
then it turns to modern footage of people wanting his body
are they gonna b0ne it?
or cut pieces off for keepsakes
studio guys talk about how his appendix bust and they wanna rerelease his films
then all these people bust in
they later board the broken door with coffins
a reporter talks to a foreign chick about her knowing valinotini when he was a h00ker
she sez he was a dancer ad we get a flashback to 10 years ago of him tangoing with a man
he twirls around like ballet
in 4 housemen of the apocalypse, they added a scene of him tangoing to show his moves
here his actor did ballet and now they threw that in
wait, its not valintinoe balleting
the dance owner tells a guy on da phone vanintinow might be b0ning his wife
later she bashes her dancers and sez valintiny is her best dancer
then the guys dance with chix
the guy playing vaintoni looks and sounds kinda like tommy wiseau
the foreign chck he dances with wants him to help her take down her bf
but the bf comes in and hes a crime guy
he thinks vanntonou is fruity and the owner fires him
he dances weird and later has the crime guy photographed b0ning the dance owner
then hes living with the foreign chick
he wants to have a orange farm and wants money to bring his mom over from Europe
some guys come I and beat up vaniniooni
her crime guy bf wants to take her son so she caps him
and vanintinou skips town so he wont be a witness at the trial
but she gets off
later the reporter (a different one I think) talks to another of his women
they worked on a live show and shes kind of a b--ch
holy cr-p William Hootkins is in this
he was Eckhart in batman
here he plays roscoe Arbuckle
man they made him obnoxious
hes like jim carrey or jerry lewis
hes with some bimbos and laughs a lot
but I kinda like it
hes openly a55
vaninotin has a dance with the chick an she s-cked
I think shes drunk
everyone laughs at her
and her outfit starts f ing out
she books it and vinontono takes arbuckles bimbo and ances well
she looks kinda tim burtony
roscoe cant stand em dancing sexy and making out
he also dances on the table and gets canned
later hes living with the bimbo in a rich place
ooh they eat fries and ketchup
ooh the bimbo is Jean Acker played by carol kane
she tells him shes a movie girl and he wants in
also the woman telling the story tells a movie guy to cast him in the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse
the movie guy jokes about vaninotini being queer
then valintono comes in saying he wants to be Richard valetine and acts like an all American
she tells him the hero of the movie is a latin lover and he gives his full name(its like 9 words)
then we get footage of the 4 horsemen(its a good movie if u wanna see it.)(the remake changed too much)
1 chick watching sez he can be armand to her Camille(anther good silent film)
after shes done telling her story(what is this? citizen kane?!) a buncha chicks in desert fashion come in and this spacey chick acts at his body
wait its the Camille chick
oh its Natacha Rambova who was actress
later in another flashback they are filming 4 horsemen and Natacha Rambova drives in ruining the shot
she meets vanilinti and wants him as armand in her film Camille
wtf why is she Russian?!
the real her was irish!
then they show a clip from Camille
I should mention these aren't actual clips from da real filmz
its reshot with this movie actors
after the flashback she sez she was a big deal and super special awesome
also he turned down John the Baptist in her gay version of Salome
I got it wrong
it was All a Nazimova who was the Russian spacey chick
Natacha Rambova then tells her story on her relationship with vaninionto while making the sheik
I'm having to read a wikipedea article to keep track of all these people from the 20s
Natacha Rambova tries to get vanintoni to become a bigger deal in the biz
also she seduces him and tries to get him to ditch his wife and marry her in mexico
also they are nude but we don't see their transformers zone
then we see a reenactment of his character b0ning her in the sheik
the chick who got vanintino in the 4 horsemen wants to be b0ned by him and runs outta da theatre
then valintino does nude modeling with some chicks in a 20s song montage
later the Russian chick is ditched by valintino and natacha marries him in mexico
then they get arrested for bigamy(which if the liberals get their way, will be legal soon)
the chick who got him the 4 horseman part wants to get him outta jail but the studiohead don't mind as they get much free press with him in
in jail the purvurts lust after hm
California needs a year of divorse b4 remarriage
his woman gets out though
since when did California care about morals??
he has to spend the night in jail as his homies need time
1 guy gives vaniltino coffee and talks about b0ning to him
he throws coffee at the guy and he loses his toilet privileges
then he purvurts mo lest him
its really over the top
they wanna see is huge thing but he wont show it so he whizzed himself
I love this film
its like go nagai
that scene was crazy
if u gotta see 1 scene, make it the one at 75 mins in
is this the films way of saying he was b0ned?
after he gets out the marriage is negated
hes offered another movie but don't want it as he wants more swag
he cant do other films as hes under contract so he takes a 2 year break
later hes romantic with natacha and this George Ullman guy comes in offering him work
in vaudeville
and promoting items
they get total artistic control and as hes only dancing he don't gotta worry about the acting contract
man were 80 mins in and it feels like nothing
he consents
then he dances infront of a big add item
this movie has good flow and pacing
he gets a big applause
he thanks em and promotes their product
the studio guy visit and chats with George about getting his contract back
he gives em script approval and the wife gets artistic control
laTER they are filming a silent film and both the natacha and the director give conflicting orders
a lighting guy drops a pink powderpuff on him and he gets triggered
he wants to fight em for it
what is this? samurai shodown?!
they wont work until the guy who did it owns up'
but no one does as they'd get canned
holy cr-p 
him and his wife
I love u
cuz they are tearing us apart
freekin tommy wiseau!
they decide to work on another film
oh and the wife is manipulating him to do her bidding
then this chick called Lorna Sinclair gets nude with him and they have a long b0ning scene
he goes back to filming and refilms the love scene with lorna
later valinonto comes home and natacha is metal cuz the new contract with united artists sez she isn't needed but he gets 0.5 million a year
valintino turns it down and they wanna make "the falcon" thremselves
he wats to do his dream of using is agriculture diploma to grow oranges
instead they have a black magic ritual to tell the future
but chicks outside chant and vilinto cant take it and smashes the glass ball they ritualed with
its really weird and intense
they are b0ning an she wants to f up their view of valintino
is this really happening?
or is it a metaphor?
then the flashback ends
natacha and the chicks go out
the chick who got him the part in 4 horsemen sez he was sick and we get another flashback
one night vanintino has ditched natacha and wants to do oranges
then this h00ker picks him up and shows him this really fruity show about how valentino ruined men and was a pink powderpuff
valentino finds out a guy wrote a newspaper article calling his a sissy
he has a wordy monologue about how ; he lives in such a time, that A MACHINE, CAN TURN A MAN, WHO WANTS TO BE AN ORANGE FARMER, INTO SOME KIND OF GOD
f caps lock
I aint retyping dat
so he wants to fight the writer
in a kung fu wwf boxing match
he hold an official challenge to the writer
a bada55 Irishman stands up for the writer who is from the slavery days and accepts the challenge
and hes the ex heavyweight champ
what is he? axel hawk from fatal fury 2?
hes gonna break valintinoes a55
so he has the boxing match but its gonna cost him his contract in the films
he don't care, he wants to be an orange farmer
ooh, the boxer was Anthony Hopkins dad in the remains of the day
the bada55 boxer jokes around and covers his a55 b4 slugging valentino out
he don't care
hes too bad a55
then he dominates valinyino
hes not even dressed for boxing
hes in a 40s outfit and is taking swigs from his flask
the chick who got him the 4 hosemen role tries to stop him but he don't care
bada55 kicks his candy a55
then as hes dizzy he dances with him
the only one taking this duel srs is valentino
everyone else knows its a bad joke
he plays with him like a doll
hahahaha this is awesome
after a break they go at it again and valetinom gets some cheap shots
then dances with him while dazed
then somehow wins
that's bad writing
he wins just cuz hes the hero?
but the other guy is superior!
its Yugioh arc-V all over again
jack should kick the candy outta yuya's a55
after the fight he and the Irishman have a drinking contest
punch drunk and normal drunk
ahhh dat Irishman is a goode sporte
then valentino outdrinks an Irishman
he drunkenly sez he vindicated his honor and manhood
he goes home and bites it
but 1st goes after an orange
and drunk dances a bit
it ends with his body on a slab
the credits roll to a lovey song about valentino
the end
wtf did I watch??
that was weird
over the top
half fiction
and the lead actor is a 70s tommy wiseau
but I loved it
its fun and found it enjoyable despite/because its so offbeat
its got good color and music
and good overall feel
watch this
its like the room meets citizen kane
for valentino 2 I want for the chick who got him a part in the 4 horsemen to awaken from cryofreeze in the future. she was frozen to wait for a time when they can revived him. they use high tech sci fi cr-p to bring him back but he's terrified by the cyber city America has become and the subhumans who prowl the streets. also he finds they have taken over the orange farms and are gonna make oranges extinct unless they get more rights than real people. so he suits up in a high tech powersuit to wipe em out as the gov is unable to stop em as the people would revolt to the subhumans being harmed. but if a guy from the past does it, its kosher. also it a 2 player run and gun on sega genesis and super Nintendo with 1 player as valentino and the other as the chick who got him a part in the four horsemen where they fight through the various wastelands, cities, slums, and jungles to save the oranges

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Lord Of The Flies Review

note; despite the title, this isn't a demon movie
lord of the flies
this is my review on lord of the flies (60s version)
I never read the book but I aw the simpsons ep
and drake talked about it on degrassi
the ep where spinner gave him Ritalin and he went mental
it starts with some school images ad war images as the opening credits play (what year is this?!)
lol produced by lewis allen
lewis from Robocop was played by nancy allen
so some kids are on an island
theyre BRITZ!!!!
so theyre the bad guys?
theres this little fata55 named piggy with glasses and asthma
nowadays he's be the main character and everything would be from his nerd p o v
hes not that fat by todays standards
but in the 40s or w/e hes a load!
so they were in a plane and it went down on an island
but the sea ate it after a while
piggy don't like being called piggy
also he cant swim cuz hes got asthma
we get it
he s-cked
quit hammering it into us!
they find a conch and can trumpet with it
they meet new kids and imntroduce themselves
yeah that's good
give us 15 new characters each appearing for 3 secs and giving their name once
i'll totally remember all that
this tall guy calls the fata55 piggy and everyone laughs
they have a vote and piggy homie is elected chief
the other kids are in cloaks and hats as uniforms
are they in a cult?!
gonna ritual sacrifice piggy to their black magic god?
piggy b--ches about being called piggy
he thinks his homie outed him
holy cr-p were 15 mins in
that felt like nothing
later the guys catch a pig
they realize theres  no one else on the island and no dangerous animals or lack of food
btw theres no chicks in here
I'm sick of tacked on love angles and cr-p
I mean yeah if its a romance movie its good
but horror and comedy and action don't need romance for sad moments tacked on to make us feel 90% through it
just like war movies don't need silly comedy to make people feel happy in a splatter battle
oh yeah, saving private ryan? we need a poop fight before the final battle
make people laugh
cat in the hat? yeah its a comedy, but we need a bummer moment b4 the end just to ruin the film worse and depress us
they decide to have rules as; they aint savages, they English! and English are the "best at everything"
yeah except dental health
they also choose to talk one at a time
piggy talks about some monster on the island but the others think hes full of sh-t
also they start a fire on top of the island for ships to see
the start building something
1 kid plays with a lizard
the cooler kids ice a pig
but its not kosher!!
imagine if they b0ned it dead
later som kids are swimming nude but we don't see their things
hope they wernt circimsized
they hear a plane and 1 kid climbs a hill and yells
yeah like theyd see and hear him from up there
oh and the fire went out
wait, were they burning it non stop?!
they'd run outta plants to burn at that rate!
later the cool kids bring in the pig chanting about icing it
but when they hunted it the fire went out
fata55 piggy b-ches at em so 1 cool kid slaps his fata55 face and his nerd goggles fall and crack
they cook he pig, cut it up and eat it
look at dat mess
also If there was 1 pig theres gotta be more
its not like only 1 teleported there
the kids chant about killing the pig but piggys homie shuts em up and has an assembly
he calls for assigning work for order
the cool kid sez his hunters will protect them
the kids keep chanting phrases like "whats yo name" and kill da pig
its grade school all over with kids quoting the rock
one kid sez theres a sea monster
another kid sez theres squid hundreds of feet long that eat whales
another sez theres ghosts
fat a55 piggy don't believe in ghosts
if you don't believe in guns that don't mean you wont get shot by some homie
piggy b--ches more as he has the conch and only conch holders can talk
a cool kid kicks his a55 ad sez f da rules
his homie wants to quit being chief but piggy sez blow the conch
if he does and they don't return then that's it
piggy has cr-ppy logic about how things don't make sense if ghosts and beasts exist
things being houses streets and tv
later they see a strange thing but we don't
they describe some weird aberration
the cool kids say they'll hunt it
I hate how the manly cool kids are depicted as the bad guys and the candy a55es are the heroes
f--kin brits
later piggy talks about brittish cr-p no one cares about to teach the kids useless facts
its like abe simpson as a 30s union buster talking about the onion on his belt
later some kids find the monster but run away
the cool kids bash em for it
and say piggys homie s-cked as chief so he should be in charge
just like with trump
I think the cool kids suseed (suh seed(what the confederates did(f u spell chech! u s-ck!)))
and the main kids live in an area by the beach and wanna start new fire
later some kids are hunting and catch a big pig
as they kill it one sez; rite up da a55!
they b0ned it dead
afterward they put the pigs head on a stick
later it gathers flies
later the cool kids go kina wild and have body paint from berries
its like mad max
the main kids come by and the cool kids share food
piggys homie left the conch behind but the cool kids say it don't count on their side of the islan
piggys homie sez it counts on the whole island
typical big government, oppressing others with red tape and bad rules
later piggys homie finds the skeleton of a parachute guy
later the cool kids party and play with fire
at night!
they mistake a for the monster and f him dead
the next day piggy and his homie whine about it
what good could you do with ur words? piggy sez to his homie
just like how England has UNARMED COPS
we expect lawbreakers to obey they law. thats why we have unarmed police. (england)
homie calls it murder(although they did it in good faith and with right intentions. so its justified)
the cool kids decide to get fire from the main kids
later they go out calling for piggy
they crawl over their shack and get his glasses the book it
piggy and homie go to get back the glasses but then homie and cool guy fight
piggy has the conch (like that means anything) and b--ches at em
they laugh a him and have a big rock bust in his head
I assume they'll eat him now
piggys homie books it and later some double agents warn him about him being hunted tomorrow
they hunt and chase him but he finds some grown men at the beach I think from the army or navy
the other kids come and see it as the island burns for some reason
the end
ooh, john walsh was in this
and 1 kid was a pole
that was pretty good
its 91 mins and don't feel it
its cool and has good fullscreen b/w coolness
its sorta like king lear from a smilar time period
I like how the cool kids are manly and don't put up with cr-p from the wiener kids
for lord of the flies 2 i'd like if they are brought back to England but the cool kids are not fitting in with englands strict society cr-p and they are beat down. eventually they start an uprising like with them on the island and as the cops are too candy a55 to fight back, hey turn England into their island again. the cool guy from the island is popular and cool and manly and its revealed hes really polish and thus is manlier than brits. also he uses his charisma to win over other teens to overwhelm things and turn most of England into mad max. also piggys homie has gonme nuts from the cr-p he faced on the island and goes around eating people to fatten up into the new piggy. oh and he becomes a slave to the cool guy and is kept in a pit in his throne room and those against him are thrown into it to be eaten and b0ned buy him.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

The Blue Lagoon Review

Note; I spell bad but i do it gooooooooood
the blue lagoon
this is my review on the blue lagoon(1980)
its got brooke shields and mr feeny from boy meets world
its based on a book from the 1910s or w/e
it starts with credits and good music and 1900s illusrations
then a boat as the credts go
its really amazing
now it would be cg
is directed by the guy who did grease and big top pee wee
these cousins and one of their dads is going to san frAN SICKO
they see sharks and the boy wants to eat em
the dad finds from da captain that they went off cource as of wind or something
the kids find the cooks p0rn0 pix and the cook nearly beats em
then a fire on the boat happens and everyone gets to the life boats
cook and kids in 1 and everyone else in the other
then the ship blows as there was powder in it
somehow in the smoke they cant find eachother
later cook finds some items
later cook tells the kids to listen to the sun boiling and hissing the ocean
they say they can hear it
later they find an island
the music is really good
its by Basil Poledouris
he did Robocop 3, red dawn, free willy, on deadly ground, the cr-ppy 90s jungle book, star ship troopers and both conan films
on the island it seems like a paradice with fruits and rivers and a rum barrel
also the boy finds a skull but don't know what it is
theres a lot of em up there so they book it
the girl almost eats berries that make you never wake up
so is it deadly or coma?
at night they talk about being dead
they don't seem to under stand things of it
this is what happens when you censor thing from kids
like Yugioh or Voltron cutting characters biting it
cook reveals he has 7 wifes and 17 kids of all races
in the 1900s that might've been scandalous
now its another ep of maury
man we're so mins in
that felt like nothing
we get a montage of them living on the island and learning skills
also if a boat comes near they have a signal fire
oh and they make a house outta plants
ooh, octopus vs crab
and a foot lomg centipede
so cook is getting food and finds something that freaks him out so we runs
we only see a rock and blood
he makes the kids promice not to go to the other side of the island
he sez awful things happen there and the boogeyman lives there
he sez its the law not to go there
later he gets drunk and stumbles around dancing
the kids laugh
the next day (I think? it could be months later) cook goes swimming with the rum barrel drunk
when the kids wake up hes gone and they look for him
they find him on the nearby island and boat over
but he bit it and has crabs in his mouth
I blame the booze
the girl wants to leave the island
they try boating out and find a better place to live on the island
tey build a new home and we get a beafulel montage with soft don bluth music
later they're teens and shes brooke shields
btw it shows em cutting up clams and cr-p
I'm surprised the animal supremacists didn't go mental on em
then its Christmas and he tells her santa brought them cr-p
theres even hoof prints
they have pearls but he sez theyre marbles
then he reveals he id it with coconut stilts
also they are starting to grow up
she has weird thoughts about them
man they live in a mansion
they sing Christmas carols but don't know them beyond the 1st few words
later she is swimming and has her woman thing
she don't know what it is and freaks out calling for help
but when he comes she don't want him there
I should mention I'm watching this on amc so they censored the nude areas
he tries to talk to her about her bleeding but she don't wanna talk about it
he gets mad shes keeping secrets from him
also the guy is blonde and goes around in a speedo
hes like me
later she starts noticing his muscles
I hear in the book they were mostly nude
later he is fishing but a shark gets the fish he got and it freaks his a55 out
later they talk about heaven
and things cook told em like pots of gold at the end of rainbows
or santa
or digging to china
they wonder about the cook and what happened
also he wants a book with all the answers to everything
later they hear something outside and wonder about it
later he plays pop goes the weasel on pan pipes and it p-sses off her
so she spears him in the a55 with a long item
he sez; i'll spear you
is this a p0rn0?
they playfully fight
we getta weird shot of a sea urchin on land
I had a dream about them being used in movies but people didn't know about em
also is one of her splashing in the sea and its glowing 80s style
later she goes to the other side of the island and finds a rock alter idol thing
wow we're an hour in and it didn't feel like it
also it has blood
so she runs back to him
she thinks the face is God
he gets p-ssed she broke the law (judge dredd) but she's worried if they don't see Him He wont let em go to heaven
Too bad they don't have a bible with em
later she has nightmares of him biting it
shes scared and he comforts her
then they start kissing but she stops it
later he feels her shoulder as she sleeps and smells her hair
but she thinks its weird for some reason and has him go
later he goes out and she follows and sees him j-rkin off
he wants to be left alone
what a d-ck
latr he sees a boat but she don't light the fight and it goes by
he gets p-ssed and goes to san fran sisko w/o her
but his home made boat is too cr-ppy and busts so he swims back
they argue a bit and say mean things
she sez shes gonna tell his had he was j-rkin off
he pokes fun at her b00bs and she nails his head with a coconut
he kicks her out of the mansion and treats her cr-ppy
later she steps on a stonefish and is poisoned
he realizes he needs her and she asks to be taken to God
he brings her to the stone thing w/o being told where it is or ever being there b4
He prays to it to save her and he regrets his mean words
later she starts getting better
he reveals he cares for her
he later sez he think the noise maker he heard b4 lives on a nearby island and comes there to pray
later they kiss and start getting funny feelings
then they b0ne
btw why is her hair so long and his is guy length?
we get moving music and romance
its kinda touching
then they go swimming together and see turtles b0ning
I don't get why critics hated this
its beautiful
loving and endearing
sorta like a Lillian gish film
later he swims with dolphins
hes lucky they don't b0ne him
later he tells her not to eat so much cuz shes getting fat
she dont wanna b0ne as it hurts but she has moving in her gut
she preggers
btw they're cousins like sailor Uranus and Neptune
later he hears drumming and looks for her
by night he finds the rock thing and black guys are having a ritual
they axe a guys head off
by daylight he finds her pooping out a baby
my dad said as a guy I cant know what its like to be pregnant
I said I've been constipated b4, I know what that's like
my cool 90s aunt sed; no u don't!!
she feeds it b00b milk and he makes a spear for the drum people
he knows to defend his fam he might have to ice em
later he has sensitive thoughts about how drum people have crazy eyes like people fighting to escape the boat
and wonders why people gotta be bad to eachother
later he goes to the island the cook bit it on and finds his bones
he realizes what human bones are and compares them to his
later he holds his newborn son and comforts the girl
he is more defending but has a good moment when he sees his on can swim
then we get a montage of the next few years
wtf they blurred out the toddlers butt
what about diaper adds?
or butt wipe adds?
later they chocolate up their skin while playing in the mud
meanwhile, the dad is in a nearby boat and sees their island
but thinks its not them as they don't respond to the ship
they're happy with eachother
although I'm sure the dad misses em
later they go to the 1st island and he finds a toy boat he made for the cook as a kid
the kid brings some never wake up berries aboard
the boat starts going out and the kid throws an oar out
instead of rowing, she tries to reach it
he goes to get it but sharks come
she saves him by throwing the last oar
they cant get back nd the shark is on their a55
that kid f'd em
hes like me as a kid
I f'd up things as a kid
they drift
ohhh, they named their kid paddy, after the cook
he tells his son they can hear the water hiss as the sun goes
later the kid eats some berries
after drifting for a while they give up and eat the berries to hope to reunite in heaven
but suicide is a sin
its really touching
soon after that the dad finds em
dad asks If they are dead
the boat guy sez; no, they're asleep
then beautiful piano music plays and we get the credits f going through the ocean
and violin
the end
that was great
moving, loving, magical
we need more films like this
it shows how people would be if on an island since kids
the characters are kinda still kids
just not fully mentally grown
but still innocent and kind
for the blue lagoon 2 i'd like for then to be brought back to civilization and they are seen as wonders for surviving for years and having an inbred kid. they become celebs but soon realize they are seen as freaks and decide to change thing by being political and eventually running for congress. also they get a lot of support from the inbreeders and are seen as inbreeder icons

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Suddenly Last Summer Review

Note; I actually reread thing b4 posdting it to fix errors. I just leave some in for fun
Suddenly Last Summer
This is my revuew on Suddenly Last Summer(1960)
Its got Montgomery clift, Elizabeth taylor and Kathryn Hepburn
its written by Tennessee Williams so its gonne be mentally unbalanced, gay and emo
like evangelion
here something I came up with
coming soon; Tennessee Williams evangelion!
shinji is a mentally unbalanced gay emo teen who don't get along with his dad and struggles to be normal for him.
also, Asuka is unbalanced from seeing her mom eat her gun after she caught her dad b0ning a big black guy.
they complain and whine for a while and in the end wind up being committed and lobotomized.
its also got writing by gore vidal who did myra breckinridge
wtf this is the only Kathryn Hepburn film with her as the bad guy
but I hear I real life she was kinda mALCONTENT
so it starts with brief credits
also I gotta say I hate the spelling of Tennessee willians
2 s 2 e 2 n
its all f'd up
it starts In the distant future year of 1937
in a nut house
the chick ward has some kinda ugly dames
remember in good burger?
that guy kept eating the cards?
I liked that
one chick gets lobotomized
jus like how j fk's dad ha his slow daughter's brain cut up for her being slow
I have friends who are slow and I wouldn't want them mind f'd
then monty gives a chick a lobotomy
but as he cits her head open a piece of the building cracks and he f's up the cut
I'm sure she wont notice
later the light goes out during the lobotomy
monty b--ches about it to the people watching
then monty b--ches about the cr-ppy conditions and wants to leave
his boss sez its a state hospital and they don't got the cash
if they privatized it they could
don't leach of the gov but make cash from other ways
he gets a letter from a rich b--ch who owns most of the county
she can give them the cash they need
so he goes to meet her and is told hes 23 secs early
this like severe ocd
she comes down an elevator and is kinda b--chy
she has a high status view on herself
oh f, monty plays a pole!
I just czeched wikipiedia and hes not polish
that's racist
Hepburn (the rich one) jabbers on about her son who bit it last july
her son had  big a55 garden made thats still there
she has a pet plant that eats bugs
venus flytrap
her son was a poet
she wants monty to give her niece a lobotomy
she jabbers on and on about her son
I should mention he never fully appears on screen
hes like the sister in super human samurai syber squad
she sez her niece is nuts and acts out
also she sez "obscene things" about her son
also she allegedly tried to b0ne a geezer gardner but said he tried to b0ne her
monty sez the lobotomy isn't to be handed out willy nilly and it might not be the best
Hepburn don't care
hempburn sez one summer her son "saw the face of God"
they went to an island and saw birds eating baby turtles
this tales a while for her to tell the story and is done like a bad campfire story
comlete with dramatic music and wordy monologues
Hepburn is disturbed from it
its just birds eating stuff
spiders eat birds
centipedes eat mice
orca eat baby whales
once a octopus ate a seagull
its just animals
its how its worked for thousands of years
somehow this relates to her son seeing God
later some chick and her son come to get heburns sons clothes
btw most of these people are southerners
aka; confederates
later this elizabet taylor is smoking and this nun hassles her for it
she pushes her to give her the smoke and when she does, it burns the nun hand
why did she hold out her hand for a lit cigarette?!
she accuses taylor of being violent
this reminds me of how in grade schools if you say a joke about something they act like you just b0ned a dog dead
or in college and university if you don't agree 100% with the malcontent left, they call you racist and try to bully you dead or remove you from "their" world
taylor sez Hepburn iced her husband for her son
she explans how her son became a monk for a while and Hepburn went with him
when her husband was biting it she stayed with her son
also she sez her son manipulated her into it or something and she thinks love is using people
what is this? apocalypse zero?
the 7 ton, giantess, SM, hairy, clown, fire breathing, put to sleep with drugs, voring, human puking, chick fthiks "ultimate love is 2 bodies becoming 1"... like when she EATS PEOPLE!!
So taylor tells a story about something I wasn't listening to as I was typing the fetish monster thing
she tells about when the son bit it but its vague
she gets Vietnam flash backs and freaks out
later at the nut house the boss sez they are gonna get 1 million thing for brain cutting
and Hepburn wants him to do it
hay, the dr monty is a pole from Chicago
me too
HE HAS  taylor brought over in he own outfit and allowed to use make up
later taylors mom and bro come by with monty
oh, those confederates who got the sons clothes were her mom and bro
her fam talks to her about the stuff she said abut the son
and they were paid off to sign papers to commit the taylor by Hepburn
that's awful
at least they were bribed
j fk's dad did it out of his own free will
they wa t her to get lobotomized thinking it'll make her happy and they get paid
but when talyor described it they freak out
she runs out and winds up above the mens ward in he nut house
as they don't see women often they try to reach up to b0ne her
btw her black dress makes her t-ts and a55 look big
I thought this as a gay guy movie
the guards save her and the taylor mom sez she wants taylor lobotomized
she also make it look like Tylor was the bad guy
taylor is freaked out and wants monty to help her
he don't know if he should cut her brain up
as another dr gives her drugs, taylor talks about how blue eyes people should be blonde
also how her ad the son were going to have blondes next
as he as tired of "the dark ones"
aw f
I just noticed this is widescreen
but its not as bad as others
i forgot to say b4 that taylor sed she cant recall anything from b4 the son bit it
later monty comes by the hepburns place and talks about the son
he wrote poems and was a virgin according to the mom
he takes the Hepburn to the taylor as the taylor comes out of the drugs
the taylor sez how the Hepburn bribed her fam but she denies it
its revealed that the son took the taylor on vacation instead of Hepburn
also Hepburn and the son used people and saw themselves as superior to real people
and he used the mom and taylor to get stuff for her
Hepburn cant take it and freaks out
but it was fake
she was triggered by the truth like most dinks on tumbler
Hepburn wants taylor lobotomized so she wont have to face the truth
that's f'd up
just like modern commies and liberals
taylor sees the womens ward of the nut house and they all laugh
one of us! one of us!
gooble gobble! gooble gobble!
taylor nearly jumps so she wont be one of them
see you in h-ll taylor!
but is saved by a guard
the boss wants her cut but monty wants more time
boss also gives a lit of her "crimes" but monty gives reasonable doubt
he nearly sends her to another place to be cut but monty prevents it and gets 1 more continue
later the taloys fam and montys boss come by hepburns place
oh and monty is there too
he gives taylor truth serum
he has a weird ritual thing to give her strength
she comes out and he has her tell the true story
monty tells the others to stfu and not interrupt
she tells em the son said Hepburn couldn't come so he invited her
Hepburn sez she iced him
she explains how he made her wear a skimpy white swimsuit and got her wet
later they were on a private beach but the slum people on the other side of the fence lusted after her and swarmed the fence to try to b0ne her
later he would pay the guys he aroused to b0ne him
he b0ned with a lotta guys
later he was at a café, wearing a white suit and wanted to go north to get blondes
but all these slum kids came out and wanted food
he hated em
I should mention theres good effects of overlay and flashback and scene mixing of her face and the flashback next to eachother
wtf these aint kids!
they're like teens to 20s
is it like how 17 is considered a child?
wait I think it was a buncha guys
and they were playing loud cr-ppy home made instruments
they leave but hes getting p-ssed
he walks uphill in the heat with heart issues and the kids or band people or both followed him
oh it was kids playing instruments
he run away but they chase him for a while
he trips near a ruined temple and the slum kids swarm him and eat him alive
I know what ur thinking
you mean as a figure of speech right?
like; I got eaten alive at Yugioh?
well... no
they literally ate him alive
they didn't even kill him 1st
he was alive and felt them eating him
I'm not making this up btw
it really happens
I should mention that this takes place in spain, a civilized country in Europe next to Portugal and france
I know a guy in spain and I told him about this
hay homie! I saw a movie about your country! this guy gets eaten alive by a buncha cannibals!this is made up right? ... right???
him; no cannibals here, but things were pretty bad in the 30s
btw, I question if Tennessee williams knows where spain is
and I hope he doesn't say "Africa"
although he probably would
also she saw them eating him
she has more viet nam flash backs
Hepburn closes the poem book, thinks monty is her son, and he brings her up to the elevator where she goes up
shes snapped
lol her name was violet
like the blueberry expansion girl in willy wonka
taylors fam wants her to come back with em
they realized she had PTSD
she walks off with monty
the end
lol david Cameron was in the credits
not THAT david cameron
that was pretty good
classy for a movie about b0ning and cannibalism
Normally 1950s made  movies don't allow gayness
but the league of decency in the 50s allowed this as they saw it as a "cautionary tale" of the "dangers" of such a lifestyle
imagine; hay kids! don't turn queer! the cannibals will getcha!!
although there was that guy in Germany who put out an add for people to be eaten by him
and that gay xxx star in Canada who brought a guy over
he killed him, b0ned him, ate him (in that order(ewwww! don't eat him after u b0ned him)) chopped him up, and mailed him
I should mention that I know a guy (wardog810) who in an art stream years ago said
I was gonna go to Canada, but i heard something about "roaming cannibals" and didnt know if that was true
to be fair, Canada has had a few cannibals in its history
that gay xxx star above
the guy on a bus who chopped up and ate a guy
the franklin expedition where they got tuck in the ice and had to eat eachother to survivce
spoiler; they bit it
wtf Canada
I expect that to California or new York
but Canada!?
its known as a happy country with jolly inbred lumberjacks fighting bears and eating moose
not a buncha purvo cannibals
my dad said nowadays the dr would be the bad guy though
but here the good pole is the hero
better than streetcar nAMED desire with stanly being the worst pole ever(besides gacy)
for suddenly last summer 2 i'd like for Hepburn to still be in a phantasy world thinking everyone is her son but when someone contradicts her, she snaps and eats him alive. thinking this is the best way to get revenge for her son, she goes around eating guys who look like him and tries to become the new her son as you are what you eat.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Eating Raoul Review

note; I had a large rootbeer at mcdonalds and 2 cans of coke. but that was hours ago so my typing is just me being cr-ppy
eating Raoul
this is my review of eating Raoul
ive never seen this b4 so this is a new experience
it starts with silly credits like an early 90s film
ooh, arlon ober did the music
he worked on Robotech II the sentinels and a lotta 90s shows
it starts with Hollywood with people being deviants
it sez food and secks are linked
food fetish??
a chick buys booze from a beardo
his manager busts his a55 over selling good wine instead of cr-p
a homie sticks em up but manager wastes him in one shot
beardo's wife talks with a lusty guy shes nursing In the hospital
he gets her to give him a colonic (cola/tonic?) but she has a fruity guy do it
later beardo and wife wanna open a restaurant
his wife looks like a hermaphrodite btw
a lotta 80s people did
on the elevator to their place a buncha purvo's they ride with go to b0ne
so they need money
then this purvo comes in and tries to b0ne his wife
he slugs him in the gut but the purvo pukes
beardo gets a call about wine
he the purvo bites it in the toilet
she almoist calls the cops but he brings the body back to the secks party
they try to seduce him
this SM chick ties him with a whip and the purvo (I thought he was dead) tries b0ning the wife
so he busts his head with a frying pan
hes a credit card bank guy and has 600$ on him
then their friend arrives and beardo comes out to keep him out of the kitchen
he sez he was pounding the veal for tomorrow night
they choose to throw the purvo in the garbage bag
they need 20 000 $ for the place they wanna buy
they put the purvo in the trash compactor and talk about how to raise cash
b4 bed the wife sees the card from the SM chick
they talk about how theres too many purvoes out there and they're lucky to have eachother
I agree
the next day the purvo who had the colonic hassles her and finds the SM card
later beardo takes some fine wine to sell to a guy
they have a meal
wife goes to the bank for a loan
she looks a bit like lisa from Robotech with that hair and light outfit
the buying wine guy ditched beardo at the restaurant and drank his wine
bank guy tries to b0ne her but she fights him off and he sez she tried to b0ne him
at home colonic purvo comes in and tries b0ning the wife
husband fights, guy attacks him and she busts his head with a frying pan
he has lotsa cash on him and they decide to ice these purvurts to make cash
this is just like something out of Go Nagai
Or European Go Nagai, Paul Verhoeven
they get help from the SM chick and shes very nice
they find a flyer from raouls lock and key service for cheap
thy rent add space and a P O BOX and get lotsa replies
good thing this was b4 grindr
Raoul comes by and tries to upsell them a lotta cr-p they don't need
also the price is higher and he seems like a scammer
later a guy with an adult bABy fetish makes a mess and isn't dangerous or lusty
so she fakes being b0ned to get beardo to waste him
the next purvo is a nazzi fetish and he wastes him
at night Raoul comes I with his keys and sees the nazzi stuff
he swipes their cash and checks out the wife in her jammies
they wake up and confront him but he knows they killed em
they reveal they are the SM guys in the add and Raoul was gonna call em
he wants the bodies and to have a piece of the action
so they make a deal
after they waste a guy while he had a Minnie mouse fetish, Raoul brings in 700$ from the guys he got
later he tries selling a guy 500lbs of meat
their next purvo is late and beardo goes out
ed Begley jr comes in as a hippie fetish ad tries b0ning her but Raoul saves her by wasting him
we see her t-ts btw
they aint big though
I thought Raoul Julia was in this
Raoul gives her chronic I think
he flirts with her
he drugged her and did stuff
then we cut to beardo coming back and Raoul leaves
then  midget comes in with a big dog
later Raoul comes to the hospital to see the wife and they talk about them b0ning
se don't wanna risk her marriage and he don't wanna give her up
so he sez if she tries chronic again and they b0ne then he's stop
after they b0ne she's late for her shift
as she gets dressed he tries to get her to get rid of beardo
later bardo goes to a secks shop and p-sses off the guy working there
on the way to his car a car nearly ices him a few times
beardo thinks it wa Raoul and follows him the next day
turns out hes selling the bodies to dog food companies
also he sells the purvoes cars
he talks to his wife about it and fids c0nd0ms in her pants
he gets p-ssed and kills a guy w/o any secks stuff
beardo gets SM chick to play a nun to get him to repent of his evil
but it don't work
then he tries faking being immigration
but he don't do it
then she fakes being a nurse who sez he has a disease and gives him pills
its saltpeter which keeps kids from j-rkin off at camp
he knows beardo is onto him
later they need 25 000 $ or the place they want gets bought
so they go to their neighbors party and SM chick is there
wtf is that the mom from that 70s show?!
at the toilet she meets the banker who tries stuff but she wastes him
This is just like Violence Jack
The purvoes get iced
later SM chick leaves
she throes the bank guy out the window but he still has his cash
the purvoes go in the hot tub naked and get p-ssed at them not joining em
so beardo throws a lamp in the hot tub and fries em
then they sell the guys carsto a car carrier truck guy
man, this is a lot like a more fun version of risky business
but more icing
they make 40 000 $ in 1 night
but Raoul is at their place and wants to take her and breed with her and expand the business
so the wife wastes him
wife confesses to beardo but he forgives her
they are gonna leave but they got the guy selling them the restaurant
but they have no time to get dinner
what do they do?
they feed him Raoul
its in the films title
they get the restaurant
the end
in the credits
rick seaman
f g Roddick
this WAS a p0rn0e
lol special thanks
joe dante
hes good
on tcm they said the stars reprised their roles as the couple in the 80s horror film chopping mall
I have that on vhs
I liked it
good 80s cr-p
this film was good too
fun colorful and upbeat
with a weird 80s style and humor
I enjoyed it
and it never shows em b0ning
this could've been an ep of law and order if they toned down the language and covered the nipples
for eating Raoul 2 i'd like for the to be running the restaurant and wen someone steals from em they chop em up and serve em. but one guy they chop up was in a gang and the gang attacks the restaurant and they fend em off with weird traps thy placed in there just in case. so its like home alone meets riki-oh

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Harvey Review

note; I am the rabbit!(born 87)
this is my review on Harvey (40s ver)
its about jimmy stewart and based on a play
so jimmy stewart is a nice guy who has a good attitude
he avoids touching and bumping into an invisible thing
his sister or w/e is glad hes outta da house as she has company
she is worried and malcontent
she goes mental when anyone mentions jimmys homie spinner I mean Harvey
sister and her daughter live in jimmy steqaets home
the sister wants the daughter to find a nice man
she calls a judge for some reason an people start arriving
judge has his men try to prevent jimmy from returning home
jimmy goes to a bar or something and helps his invisible friend
he talks to a guy who just got outta jail and has a huge chin
but both are nice
they read in the paper the sister is having a thing at her place
he talks to his invisible friend Harvey about going there
jimmy also pays for a guys drinks
I gotta say, seeing jimmy interact with a not there guy is kinda nice
its like one of those mr rogers feelings of goodness
very positive
I cant be mean to this movie
its too pure
at the sisters party a chick asks where jimmy went as hes not at any dances or anything
despite me being Slovenian, I don't dance
then jimmy comes home and talks to his aunt
the sister and daughter keep trying to stop him from showing her Harvey
the sister worries too much
its like my mom or aunt
always worried about what others think about me wearing shorts in the snow
just relax
don't do it
wen you wana go to it
he shows his aunt Harvey ad the sister freaks out
she calls the judge but his minion got busted by slipping on da floor
she gets jimmy and Harvey to stay in a room
he reads sense and sensibility to Harvey
later she tries to have him committed
lol she sez stayed with mother and was a home boy
what is this? da 90s?!
in dbz; bulma to vegeta; hay home boy!
vegeta; whut!? home, boy?!
so sister whines to the dr about all the jimmy stewarts minor issues shes p-ssed at
she sez Harvey IS A BIG white 6'3 RAbbit
that's racist
she sez hes not real ut she then sez she sees Harvey sometimez
so doesn't that mean he IS real?!
wait, is this a horror movie?!
is jmmy stewart gonna start killing people?
then it turns out it was Harvey?
maybe something pushes jimmy and big bad harv over the edge and he starts choppin people up?
so the dr sees that the sister is nuts and has her locked up
he thinks she was gonna be committed by him so she tried to commit him to discredit him
they get worried that jimmy might sue them for false commitment and they try to appease him
man jimmy stewart looks kinda like mr rogers
they chat with him about committing the sister and they get along
he invites them to a bar for a drink
later he invites a lady to something and tells her about Harvey
he calls Harvey a pooka
she goes back to the nut house they put together that jimmy is seeing Harvey and the sister wasn't crazy
well, kinda
they go after him
its revealed that a pooka is a big fairy spirit from celtic legends and isnt bad
when the guy reading the dictionary reads of pooka he reads "how are you (his name)
this is turning into a horror movie
tster tells about how in the nut house the took off her clothes and dumped her in a water tub
she acts like they were b0ning her
1 dr asks her sexy questions about who she wants to b0ne and her purvursions
man this just got f'd up
what are her purvursions and fetishes anyway?
clown fetish?
crotch transformation?(people turning into d=cks or d=ck monstes)
these are real things people find hot btw
then the nut house guy comes in looking for jimmy
later jimmy comes home and sez he cant find Harvey
he calls the bar and sez hes having friends there later
oh and he ha a picture made of him and Harvey
it looks kinda creepy
the nuthouse guy comes by and judge sez hes hired to sue the nut house
they notice the painting on the thing of jimmy and Harvey
she freaks out
jmmy calls asking where Harvey is
she kmows hes at the bar
nut house guy wants to commit him
later the dr who committed the sistwr is getting canned and argues with the nurse
the nut house guy comes by and realizes its been 4 hours since the head guy went to get jimmy
they get to the bar
and jimmy stewart is eating the dr and acting like a rabbit
that didmt happen
hes in the back and is nice to em
jimmy sez he showed the head guy Harvey and they left
the nuthouse guy tried to beat jimmy with a blackjack but the crowd stops him
jimmy saves him and he goes off to find the head guy
jimmy starts flirting with the nurse and so does the dr
he leads them together to dance then leaves
they get him and he sez he misses dancing but hes too busy now
now he and Harvey go around helping people become happy
he tells how he met Harvey and Harvey is his fave name
when he asked harv who he was, harv asked what he likes, jimmy sez Harvey, harv sez that's his name
dr asks if he knew anyone named Harvey but jimmy sez no
nuthouse guy comes back with cops and they go bac to da nut house
later head guy returns saying hes followed
hes freakin out ad tries to escape
the gang gets him but he wont say whos after him
is this a horror movie?
he meets with jimmy and they talk about the pooka
as others see it that proves its real
jimmy sez science overcame time and space
but Harvey overcame both and any objections
he goes on about his issues and jimmy plays dr for him
oh he has gf issues
and booze
later the gang decides to give  jimmy a drug that's gonna f him out of seeing Harvey
the head guy gives the dr his job back
he wants to get a drink but they want him to stay
he sees this as positive that people disagree as we each get our say
better than the commies and unions who silence free speech
the sister whines and twists jimmy into getting the drug
he chooses to consent after this manipulation
he bro! give up ur best friend cuz I'm whining! waaaaaa!
the cab guy comes in wating to be payed for bringing the head guy over
but no one has any cash
she sez jimmy might have some but the cab guy wants it now
jimmy comes out and his goodness cheers everyone up
oh and he was bringing the judge and gang up there and was gonna book it if they didn't pay em and let em take a bus
jimmy goes back and cab driver sez after people get the drug it f's em up and makes em into d-cks
she tries to stop him from getting the drug
is this a thing on lobotomys?
she fully turns and now defends havey
also she finds her coin purse and if she paid the driver jimmy might have been drugged
she sez Harvey did it
daughter and nut house guy are a couple
as is nurse and dr
jimmy fids Harvey swinging in a hanging couch and the head guy wants to have Harvey as he needs hm
Harvey goes with the dr and jmmy leaves
as he goes, Harvey returns and jimmy sez they prefers eachorher
they walk off to the sunrise for new adventutes
the end
oh and the credits show clips of the characters with their names
Harvey as himself is a door opening and closing
that was really good
upbeat, fun, cheerful, positive and warm
jimmy stewart was wonderful and I liked how the whiny chick was the butt of the joke
for Harvey 2 i'd like for those affected with the drug to start mutating into phallllic monsters as a side effect of it and they go around eating people. Harvey and jimmy stewart team up to beat the drugs outta em and tur em human and happy. but they beat em with happy words instead of fists and it drives the drugs outta em. also is a 2 player beat em up on sega genesis and snes with player 1 as jimmy and player 2 as Harvey.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Wait Until Dark Review

note;  I'm watchin this for da 1st time so my typing might s-ck
wait until dark
this is my review of wait until dark (1967 ver(was there another?))
its got audry Hepburn and alan arkin
I liked alan arkin in the heart is a lonely hunter
ive only seen audry in breakfast at tiffianies and didn't care much for that
it starts with a guy putting drugs I a doll while this big hair chick gets ready
she wants drugs to look like candy bars
yeah that wont lead to kids eating em
her name is lisa like the chick from Robotech
as she goes to da air port they play credits
ooh, efrem Zimbalist jr is in this
he was alfed in batman the animated series
she gets through secrurety as they dot suspect the doll
if this were made today they'd've felt her all over and call it a safety precaution while letting real bad guys untouched
after her plane ride she gives the doll to a guy
we also see someone with a similar doll (I think)
this guy asks a punk kid about where something is and the kid gives him lip
if this were made nowadays he'd be swearing and maybe black
they go to the place with a note saying; come in I'm out lisa
they loo around and eat her foods
turns out its the wrong lisa living there
then guy comes in and knows em
its alan arkin
I think
he knows they and lisa faked doing some con artist thing and lisa got away while the other 2 were arrested
alan arkin wants them to find lisas doll
alan arkin sez she gave someone the doll cuz she was being followed or something
they turn him down and he pulls a knife
so the get items like a pointy tripod and mace and chair and he lets em do what they want
then they fnd lisa in the closet bag
how could that bag hold her body up?
alan arkin sez she was going into business for herself
they gon leave but he reveals they left their fingerprints all over the place
and now they gotta work for him
clever girl
then Audrey comes home and they stay still
her eyes are dead
too bad she didn't sense their ki
one time in the year 199X(I don't recall the exact year) I was in the school and and sensed something behind me
I turned and saw a guy charging at me
I evaded him
she almost bumps into the guys and whats left of lisa but doesn't and leaves
later Audrey and efram process photo's in a lab and talk about a body being found
later efram sez if the lady calls about the doll, tell her he hasn't found it
she drops a food and her husand sez she can find it herelf or he'd tell her
he suggests her becoming better at sightless movement by going for a walk or something and they hug
also this chick that keeps getting mentioned named Gloria is having issues and Audrey thinks he wants to b0ne
later she smells smoke and calls for help
but efram comes back(wait its not him) and he reveals its a cigarette in an ashtray that caught fire
as she cant see she cant tell where smoke is coming from so it freaks her out
I never knew that
I do know midgets don't like dogs
o one of those tlc midget shows they said it
cuz they are smaller than em
imagine a dog b0ning a midget!!
the guy sez hes the husbands army buddy or something and he fakes seeing pictures of himself
its revealed a fire in a car accident killed her eyes
he leaves and Gloria comes in
Audrey asks Gloria to helo defrost the fridge so she opens it and clicks a switch
but Audrey sez that's only for new fridges
shes gonna leave w/o closing the fridge door
she wont do it and Audrey yells at her
so Gloria starts throwing knives and items on the floor
what a b--ch
then they regret their actions and bond
then a big soviet looking guy busts in, yells for her husband to "leave her alone", steals her picture, and leaves
the army buddy comes in and helps her
but instead of caling the cops, he calls a phone booth
the con artist comes in and fakes being a cop
he gives a signal in the window to alan arkin and alan calls them
the fake cop grills her on if her husband knew the girl wjo was found
amy guy defends her and fake cop leaves
she notices the fake cop was cleaning
then a guy comes in saying hes mr roat(the name the lisa used at her hotel)(and I think the name alan arkin used)
he tells them the soviet guy was his crazy dad who thinks his wife is b0ning a guy
also something about a doll
army guy gives a signal and a call is made to their place
he sez to talk to roat and roat runs out after a few secs
Audrey sez her husband had the doll cuz in Canada a woman gave it to him
said it was for 1 girl and she didn't want another girl 2 c it
she heard the doll fall on the ground after he go back
she notices her wedding picture is gone
shes worried the cops think her husband is under investigation and cant go to the cops
army guy sez Theres a cop car outside
after looking for the doll she sez everyone is fiddling with the window and after each fiddle, she got a call
oh and roats shoes are new and squeaky like his dads
wow, this is good
like detective conan
he wants to check the safe but she sez the last owner left it and dropped the key in he sewer
he leaves and talks to the fake cop about pressing her until se gets the doll or gets the safe after he leaves
glora comes by and helps her find out its a vw beetle outside
the fake cop looks in and Gloria sees him
oh and Gloria haf the doll and was borrowing it
she hides it in the dish washer and sez to call the phone bootrh ad let it ring 2x
and bang on the water pipes if audrey needs help
the fake cop comes in but she has him look for damaged stuff as Gloria escapes
he grills her but she wants to talk to roat
he calls the phone bootrh and alan aerkin answers
she tells him to stop or be legally f'd
he leaves but Gloria saw them at the phone booth and calls arduey to ring 2x and stop
fake cop leaves and she calls the number army guy gave her
she tells him she has the doll
she gets it, then changes her mind and hides it under the garbage bag in her can
army guy and the other 2 come by but she sez the doll is in the studio and she tells em where to get it
after hey leave she bangs on the pipe and talks to Gloria
she sends Gloria for help and she gets by fake cop
Audrey realizes the pone is cut so she busts all the lights in her place
she sets traps like home alone and I hink has something alled "hypo" in a plant
the army guy returns and sez there was no doll there
she talks with him and they reveal he was in a criminal thing with the guys
someone gets run over after he sez he was gonna kill roat
he's come to respect her strength and leaves, but is iced by roat alan arkin
turns out alan arkin killed the fake cop
btw alan arkin wears sunglasses at night
he starts spreading gasoline and hassles her
in the real version I think he was b0ning her
he starts a fire on a newspaper and hold it to her so she can feel da heat
she sez shes gonna tell him
alan arkin sez he knew they wanted to ice him and outfoxed em
he sent a message to her husband saying his woman was in a thing and to meet at the hospital
he torments her with a cloth like that guy in alex mack with dryscoll getting interrogated wiha  pencil sharpener
she splashes him and kills the lights
he lights a match so she throws gasoline on him til he puts it out
we get black screen as he is made to tap the floor to show where he is
he opens the fridge and the light from it shows everything
he has the upper hand and she finally gives him the doll
the doll plays a music box tune and he opens it
he takes her to the bedroom to b0ne her dead but she shanks him with a kitchen knife
she tries to getta way but he comes after her
she pulls the fridge plug and the lights go out and she screams
the end
just kidding
it goes on
but that would be a sick ending
the real cops come in and so does efram and Gloria
shes ok
they hug
the end(for real)
then we get a song and showing who played who with film footage
man there was like 8 people in this film
and most of it was in 1 room
musta been easy to film
wait, on tcm they said it f'd Audrey's marriage
still that was good
not much sizzle, lotsa steak
good pacing and build up
and a good result
well made and well acted
plus its smart
for wait until datk 2 i'd like for it to be the 80 and she's trained with samurai to learn martial arts and better use of ki and she can now function well without her eyes. she also helps cops by finding thinks the eyes can miss. sorta like a reverse sue Thomas f b eye. and this time shes dealing with 80s homies who sell drugs to people that rots out their eyes. so this time, its personal. also its also a 16 bit platform game on sega genesis and snes where you play as a roided up Audrey Hepburn who fights druggies to get evidence guarded by a boss and hidden in areas that she can find with her other senses. oh and the bosses are on super drugs tat make em invincible but it burns em out the more they move, so you gotta keep em going until they rot. also she has kung fu and ki powers. oh and she has a samurai katana and can ct through guys some times

Friday, June 16, 2017

Carrie Review

by now u know my typing is bad
this is my review on carrie (70s version)
its based on a book by Stephen speilburg I mean king
it stars sissy spacek and has john Travolta
ooh its got nancy allen from Robocop 1
this is based on a true story right?
its directed by brian de palma who did The Untouchables and scarface
ooh its by mgm and united artists
eww its widescreen
it starts with a high school girls shower
lotsa naked chicks
its like a go nagai show
when I was in high school in the 00s we never showered together
but this is da 50s or w/e so its normal
it has soft music kinda like secret of nimh
carrie has an outie
carrie has her woman uterus thing and freaks out
she goes for help but the other chicks bully her
when shes freakin out it looks like that little c-cksucker from the shining
the teacher snaps her outta it with a slap and a lightbulb pops
is she an x men?
at the office its revealed she never knew about body changes in their teen years
they give her the rest of the day off(lucky. imagine if guys got outta school for getting b0ners)
the head master keeps calling her cassie despite everyone correcting him and she snaps and flips hid ashtray with esp
she gets a week off gym and on the way home esp attacks a kid making fun of her on a bike
she should've turned him inside out
carries mom is an over the top Christian who no one I've ever met is like
has steven king ever met a good Christian?
he often makes em look bad in his films
no one at my church is as mental as carries mom
we aint amish!
carrie (anne moss)comes home and her mom got a call from the school
her mom beats on carrie and forces her to read weird bible translations about b0ning
she thinks if she didn't sin she wouldn't have a working uterus
to be fair, many omen were born w/o wombs and don't have that
but then they cant have kids
mom locks carie in a closet and she prays
in there carrie freaks out and psi blasts a mirror broken
later in lass the teacher reads at car hippie cr-p
its written by some blonde guy and carrie likes it
in gym class the teacher rides the girls a55 over them being mean to carie
in the 50s they'd get the strap
gym tacher sez she wants to take away their prom tikix but they get detenrton
if they skip they lose prom tickets
in gym detention they exercise for a while
I never went to my prom
I had no interest
I'm not into formal events
I hated dances at grade school too
the music s-cked and I'm not a dancer
carrie looks cr-p up in the library
chris (who's a chick) b=--ches about how she cant handle simple exercise and tells the teach to stick it up her a55
the teacher slugs her
get the whip
chris walks out and loses prom
what a b--ch
carrie reads about telekinesis
this possibly black looking chick asks the blonde jock who wrote the poem to take carrie to porm
later chris and john Travolta with bad 70s hair are drinking and driving
she keeps insulting him so he smacks her
that's for being a b--ch
next time its the hammer
chris wants revenge on carrie and anyone else she thinks wronged her
typical malcontent teen
but unlike rebel w/o a cause she isn't the hero
maybe degrassi though
wtf its been 40 mins?!
I thought it was longer but not much has happened
then chis seduces john Travolta and they b0ne almost
but 1st she has to retouch her hair
she goes mental and insults him so he smacks her
the they make out
she starts sucking his Travolta and tells him to f with carrie
later carrie gets a book on psychic stuff and the blonde poem guy comes by and asks her to da porm
but she runs away
later carrie talks with a teacher about it
shes shy and uneasy
she needs a good bf to help her
by bbw gf was shy in high school
now shes bright and sunny and upbeat
teach tries to give carrie some confidence and gives her make up tips
her hair needs a curl?
but my gf has her hair straightened
teacher grills the blackish chick about her asking him to ask carrie
oh her name is sue
the teacher cares about carrie (fisher) and tries to make sure they aint pulling any cr-p
lol the blondes name is tommy
like tommy wiseau
hes even got long hair
they say they were trying to help her
he comes by carries lace later and wont go until she sez yes
but her moms gonna beat the black off her
she sez yes
later joh Travolta and his droogs go to a pig farm to b0ne some pigs
he hammers a pig dead
guess hes a zoo necro
at night carries talks to her mom about going to prom
but her mom don't consent
hr mom is paranoid worse than the amish and harasses her
shes worried about carrie getting b0ned
carres x men powers close da doors/windows and her mom thinks shes a witch
even the amish don't do dat
its revealed er dad got tired of moms sh-t and ran away
too bad he didn't save carrie
also her powers don't seem evil to me
just like thinking and white blood cells communicating are hard to explain, I see this as just another God given skill
like some people are better runners or fighters or physically stronger or more fertile
carrie sez shes going to da porm and makes a dress
also Travolta puts pigs blood on a bucket in the ceiling of a room at school
I'm noticing this movie has a lot in common with prom night 2 hello mary lou
the next day everyone is wondering why tommy wiseau is taking carrie 2 da porm
we get a montage of tommy and carrie getting ready 4 prom with 70s fat albert sounding music
at night carries mom b--ches about carrie looking hot and carrie sez its normal
her mom sounds like a feminist
whining about a woman showing off her curves
her mom starts going mental saying they'll all laugh at her
crrie uses her powers to push her mom on da bed and leaves
at the porm in da car she has 2nd thoughts but tommy helps her over it
the dance is really 70s b4 disco
carry has an ok time at the dance
sue goes to the dance after dinner with her fam
her fam looking nothing like her
tommy teaches her to dance
this is actually kinda nice
sorta like the wedding in Robotech II The Sentinels
so tommy admits he didn't write the poem
so they're gonna vote for prom king/queen
and carry and tommy are on it
at home carries mom chops up a phallllic vegetable, a carrot
I knew she was a feminist
the ballots are collected but they get switched
oh and chris and Travolta are under the stage and have a bucket of pigs blood above it
good camera movement showing the bucket and rope, and zooming in on carrie
carry snd tommy win (tommy looks like the kid of tommy wiseau and greg sestero)
we get a warm moment of them being happy but the music changes to creepy as they go up
we get slo mo and a see saw of happy and creepy
sue notices the rope and finds out about the blood
good suspense
its also no dialogue
she tries to stop it but the teacher pulls her away and hrows her outta a gym
then chris soaks her in blood and he bucket hits tommy
carry freaks out and everyone laughs
sick c-cksuckers
she has viet nam flashbacks and snaps
chris and Travolta get away but carry seals the exits
to quote rhinox in beast machines
and so it begins
imagine if she sed her psychic powers to tear em apart
but no she just hoses em off
1 guy its a cable and it fries him
she wastes the others with her powers
the teacher gets nearly busted in 2 with a thing falling at her
then it catches fire for some reason
this is good
really iconic
hay, degrassi jr high ended with the school burning down
thy ripped off carrie!
at least she didn't ice the zit remedy
she leaves and chris/Travolta drive at her
she flips their car and they go up in flames like Michael myers
she goes home and theres lotsa candles lit
she talks a bath and cleans off the dried BLOO-D
she gets on a robe and cries to her mom about being laughed at
mom sez she should've suicide after getting pregnant but sin never dies
she needs Jesus
He died to save us from sin
mom sez she liked getting b0ned by carries dad
most women do
the mom starts praying with carrie but shanks her with a big a55 knife
she gets away but mom comes after her
so cary uses her powers to shank her a lot with kitchen blades
shes also crucified by the hands on the walls
the 1st time I watched this, right when she bit it, the clouds outside parted and sun came down
too bad carrie didn't just blow her apart with her psy force
if she can flip a car I think she can crush a human with it
for some reason the house caves in and carrie hides in the closet with her mom
also it catches fire
later sue is in bed and her mom sez she's gonna be ok and everyone else bit it
we see her putting flowers on carries house place and carrier's hand reaches up and grabs her
this is a lot like Splatterhouse
turns out shes just having an episode and is nuts
the end
wtf chris was nancy allen?
location scouting DoW Griffith
not DW Griffith from the silent era
that was good
I liked it
classic and awesome
setting the stage for 80s horror
sort of Protoculture if you will
for carrie 2 i'd like it to be the 80s and shes revealed to have been healed by her powers and shielded herself with a sphere barrier of esp and has gone into hiding thinking d be arrested for using her psy powers to ice people. but also chris and john Travolta have survived being burned and were surgically connected into a hermaphrodite like baron Ashura in Mazinger z but not halfed. they volunteer for a military experiment to cyberize em to make em stronger. once finished they go rogue and ice the scientists so no one can stop em and take out their issues by chopping people up. and only carrie with her esp powers can stop em. also they have taken over the science center and released genetic experiments to ice everyone and spread chaos. and carrie goes through several levels of shoot em up and platformer levels in a 16 bit sega genesis or snes game with her using psy force to attack and defend. also after you win its revealed theres no laws against using esp to ice people so she is free.