Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Lord Of The Flies Review

note; despite the title, this isn't a demon movie
lord of the flies
this is my review on lord of the flies (60s version)
I never read the book but I aw the simpsons ep
and drake talked about it on degrassi
the ep where spinner gave him Ritalin and he went mental
it starts with some school images ad war images as the opening credits play (what year is this?!)
lol produced by lewis allen
lewis from Robocop was played by nancy allen
so some kids are on an island
theyre BRITZ!!!!
so theyre the bad guys?
theres this little fata55 named piggy with glasses and asthma
nowadays he's be the main character and everything would be from his nerd p o v
hes not that fat by todays standards
but in the 40s or w/e hes a load!
so they were in a plane and it went down on an island
but the sea ate it after a while
piggy don't like being called piggy
also he cant swim cuz hes got asthma
we get it
he s-cked
quit hammering it into us!
they find a conch and can trumpet with it
they meet new kids and imntroduce themselves
yeah that's good
give us 15 new characters each appearing for 3 secs and giving their name once
i'll totally remember all that
this tall guy calls the fata55 piggy and everyone laughs
they have a vote and piggy homie is elected chief
the other kids are in cloaks and hats as uniforms
are they in a cult?!
gonna ritual sacrifice piggy to their black magic god?
piggy b--ches about being called piggy
he thinks his homie outed him
holy cr-p were 15 mins in
that felt like nothing
later the guys catch a pig
they realize theres  no one else on the island and no dangerous animals or lack of food
btw theres no chicks in here
I'm sick of tacked on love angles and cr-p
I mean yeah if its a romance movie its good
but horror and comedy and action don't need romance for sad moments tacked on to make us feel 90% through it
just like war movies don't need silly comedy to make people feel happy in a splatter battle
oh yeah, saving private ryan? we need a poop fight before the final battle
make people laugh
cat in the hat? yeah its a comedy, but we need a bummer moment b4 the end just to ruin the film worse and depress us
they decide to have rules as; they aint savages, they English! and English are the "best at everything"
yeah except dental health
they also choose to talk one at a time
piggy talks about some monster on the island but the others think hes full of sh-t
also they start a fire on top of the island for ships to see
the start building something
1 kid plays with a lizard
the cooler kids ice a pig
but its not kosher!!
imagine if they b0ned it dead
later som kids are swimming nude but we don't see their things
hope they wernt circimsized
they hear a plane and 1 kid climbs a hill and yells
yeah like theyd see and hear him from up there
oh and the fire went out
wait, were they burning it non stop?!
they'd run outta plants to burn at that rate!
later the cool kids bring in the pig chanting about icing it
but when they hunted it the fire went out
fata55 piggy b-ches at em so 1 cool kid slaps his fata55 face and his nerd goggles fall and crack
they cook he pig, cut it up and eat it
look at dat mess
also If there was 1 pig theres gotta be more
its not like only 1 teleported there
the kids chant about killing the pig but piggys homie shuts em up and has an assembly
he calls for assigning work for order
the cool kid sez his hunters will protect them
the kids keep chanting phrases like "whats yo name" and kill da pig
its grade school all over with kids quoting the rock
one kid sez theres a sea monster
another kid sez theres squid hundreds of feet long that eat whales
another sez theres ghosts
fat a55 piggy don't believe in ghosts
if you don't believe in guns that don't mean you wont get shot by some homie
piggy b--ches more as he has the conch and only conch holders can talk
a cool kid kicks his a55 ad sez f da rules
his homie wants to quit being chief but piggy sez blow the conch
if he does and they don't return then that's it
piggy has cr-ppy logic about how things don't make sense if ghosts and beasts exist
things being houses streets and tv
later they see a strange thing but we don't
they describe some weird aberration
the cool kids say they'll hunt it
I hate how the manly cool kids are depicted as the bad guys and the candy a55es are the heroes
f--kin brits
later piggy talks about brittish cr-p no one cares about to teach the kids useless facts
its like abe simpson as a 30s union buster talking about the onion on his belt
later some kids find the monster but run away
the cool kids bash em for it
and say piggys homie s-cked as chief so he should be in charge
just like with trump
I think the cool kids suseed (suh seed(what the confederates did(f u spell chech! u s-ck!)))
and the main kids live in an area by the beach and wanna start new fire
later some kids are hunting and catch a big pig
as they kill it one sez; rite up da a55!
they b0ned it dead
afterward they put the pigs head on a stick
later it gathers flies
later the cool kids go kina wild and have body paint from berries
its like mad max
the main kids come by and the cool kids share food
piggys homie left the conch behind but the cool kids say it don't count on their side of the islan
piggys homie sez it counts on the whole island
typical big government, oppressing others with red tape and bad rules
later piggys homie finds the skeleton of a parachute guy
later the cool kids party and play with fire
at night!
they mistake a for the monster and f him dead
the next day piggy and his homie whine about it
what good could you do with ur words? piggy sez to his homie
just like how England has UNARMED COPS
we expect lawbreakers to obey they law. thats why we have unarmed police. (england)
homie calls it murder(although they did it in good faith and with right intentions. so its justified)
the cool kids decide to get fire from the main kids
later they go out calling for piggy
they crawl over their shack and get his glasses the book it
piggy and homie go to get back the glasses but then homie and cool guy fight
piggy has the conch (like that means anything) and b--ches at em
they laugh a him and have a big rock bust in his head
I assume they'll eat him now
piggys homie books it and later some double agents warn him about him being hunted tomorrow
they hunt and chase him but he finds some grown men at the beach I think from the army or navy
the other kids come and see it as the island burns for some reason
the end
ooh, john walsh was in this
and 1 kid was a pole
that was pretty good
its 91 mins and don't feel it
its cool and has good fullscreen b/w coolness
its sorta like king lear from a smilar time period
I like how the cool kids are manly and don't put up with cr-p from the wiener kids
for lord of the flies 2 i'd like if they are brought back to England but the cool kids are not fitting in with englands strict society cr-p and they are beat down. eventually they start an uprising like with them on the island and as the cops are too candy a55 to fight back, hey turn England into their island again. the cool guy from the island is popular and cool and manly and its revealed hes really polish and thus is manlier than brits. also he uses his charisma to win over other teens to overwhelm things and turn most of England into mad max. also piggys homie has gonme nuts from the cr-p he faced on the island and goes around eating people to fatten up into the new piggy. oh and he becomes a slave to the cool guy and is kept in a pit in his throne room and those against him are thrown into it to be eaten and b0ned buy him.

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