Friday, June 2, 2017

Primeval Review

note; spelling bad is racist... NOT
this is my review on primeval(2007)
it starts with saying its inspired by true events
then some people in Africa finding bodies
theres lotsa mass graves
this chick digs a new place and gets iced by some unseen monster
then chaos gunfire
its a dinosaur
then we get various newspaper headlines of a serial killer named Gustave
oh and Africa is at civil war
this has jurgen pronchow and Orlando jones as the only names I recognize
I should mention the trailers said this is about a serial killer that's still at large w/ over 300 vics
it sez; he is real, but he is not human
later in new York this news crew or w/e is gathered to find out about Gustave
is he named after the epic ww2 rail cannon that anna kozuki from Yugioh zexal had a card of?
that cannon was as big as a bank!
so they are sent to catch alive Gustave
oh and Gustave is a giant crocodile
that must've p-ssed off a lot of movie people expecting gacy and getting Godzilla
the trailer really went out of its way to avoid saying its a croc
Orlando jones is the black guy in this horror movie(which means hes probably not gonna make it) and is glad to be in Africa
lets see how long that lasts
they meet this shaved head African named harry who runs the town
the main guy fakes having a conversation with his funder when harry almost f's him on a deal and sez hes gonna pull out
so harry gets him cr-p
crocs can live 100 years and keep growing if they keep getting food
I should mention that they say the biggest dinosaurs around 100 feet long were said to be hundreds of years old
harry warns em of little Gustave, a bad guy with power who rules the wasteland in a near area who kills a lot
what is this? violence jack? is he the slum king?? maybe kraken? or ryu takuma?
they go up river (or down river, I cant tell) to find the croc
at night on the river they have a machine gun fight with people on the shore
the army guy with em caps the shore people
later in this village, this girl swims out to get her doll and Gustave eats her offscreen
they meet this brittishy guy and bring him with em
what is this? Phantasy Star? they're just getting party members and going on an adventure
the brit is trying to save Gustave from dangerous people
that's like thinking separation of church and state is to protect the state from da church(its not)
or tiger cages protect the tigers from the grade schoolers
they build a cage and plan to trap the croc
at the village they are glad someones doing something about the croc
the village people have a gross dog on a wood thing as an offering to the croc
the chick saves it
it looks like the croc is gonna get her but it don't
at night they sing and dance and expect the americans to sing a song for them
the chick does a bit of amazing grace but Orlando jones don't wanna sing for em
just do some Michael Jackson song
or weird al yankovich
those are always good
I know a buncha anime songs I learned by ear by listening to anime openings over and over
the next day the see a shaman who has a black magic ritual and breathes smoke on them
he sez they'll find what they want, the bite it
britler sez he knows were Gustave might be but its under control of little Gustave
holy cr-p the brit is jurgen pronchow
I thought he was Austrian or w/e
oh and little Gustave's men are meth'ed out teens and super violent
they walk over to this area and the Africans carry the cage big and strong enough to fit a 30 foot croc
this African named jojo asks Orlando jones how to get to America
he replies; my people came on slave ships
btw; jojo?! like, jojo's bizarre adventure?!
they use a blood/p-ss/pheromones fluid mix to lure Gustave in the cage with a goat
totally not like Jurassic park
oh and they're trying to catch it alive and use tracking dvice bullets instead of tranquilizers
don't want it to drown
it gets near and thy sniper a tracker on it
btw I don't think jurgen pronchow is the brit
I think that's the eco commie
then its day again and the goat is gone
the rain screwed up the motion censors and camera feed
they say the signal hasn't moved since last night and jurgen shoots in the air loud to wake it up
it instantly moves
later Orlando jones sees and films some Africans executing other Africans, including the shaman
they take his bead thing
y'know, if the Orlando jones had a good gun, he could've saved em by sniping the bad guys
at night he shows the footage to the team and sez he's gonna have nightmares the ret of his life
don't worry, ur a black guy in a horror movie
the chick sez they otta make a big deal over it and spread the word
everyones else sez no
Orlando ones sez people don't care about black on black crime 5 blocks from their home
so it happening in Africa wont make news
maybe they could say the killer was part Brazilian?
then its a racism story
or that's how they'd spin it
so jojo gets in the cage and tries to lure the gator in with his body
but birds attack him for some reason and he cage closes
then the gator attacks and knocks him in the water
dat crox smarte
jurgen offen throws a grenade
he throws another but gets tackled by the brit
so jurgen slugs his candy a55 out
oh and tim (the main guy) goes in the water to save jojo
jojo's dead but they cpr him back alive
he sez he wanted to catch the crok for em so they'd bring him to America
the army guy points a gun at jojo and he sprints off like a deer
dude! he was dead a few seconds ago! Now he's running?! He's freekin Saint Seiya!
the army guy goes to the camp and tries to b0ne the chick w/o consent
she fights him off and busts a bottle on his head
but throws the bottle away instead of stabbing him with it
he pulls out a machete but the croc comes from nowhere and gets him
the camp is busted and they might leave
but the other army guy shoots jurgen and wants the computer
he brings em to the river to execute em but Orlando wont kneel
then a shot goes off and after some delay, its revealed it was jojo who came back with a gun and capped the bad guy
Orlando jones tells jojo hes gonna bring him to America even if he has to smuggle him in his own a55
maybe if he was a midget that could work
the chick calls for an air lift
jurgen sez the chick who got ate at the start of the movie (I think) was his wife and he gave the croc bullet scars
but scars are cool
I think I forgot to mention he was shot in the intestine or something
like; left of where women have the uterus
then Gustave attacks
it looks sorta good
btw the croc monster attacking in the rain was ripped off of Jurassic park 3
justave busts the wood thing they're on and jurgen tries to kamikaze him
but the gater sees it coming like with raoh and rei's nanto sui-cho ken move and throws him away to asplode
then it eats someone
I think it might've been jurgen who wasn't fully destroyed by the grenade
the next day theyre talking and 1 sez crox eat til theyre fill then barf and eat more
the chick sez her bf is gay and uses her to fake being straight
Orlando; who a I gonna tell? jojo? hay jojo! you know roger?
jojo; no
Orlando: hes gay
jojo; ok(doesn't care)
that's actually pretty good writing
so the air lift chopper comes by and they chase it but it backs of after little Gustaves men attack
the brit runs after it anyway and gets hit by a car and shredded with gunfire
he was a candy a55
the men come looking for the rest of em
they want the computer as it has footage of little Gustave icing the shaman
the tape and comp are in the river
they run as the men bring freekin rocket launchers on em and chase em in pick up trucks
Orlando falls in a river, gets scared by a snake, and gets thorns in his arm
he yells ; I hate f--king AFRICA
me; would you prefer Africa f--king you?
well, it kinda is
also what if the men chasing u heard?
they open fire at the truck and they go off a cliff into water
the truck crashes into a tree and a guy bites it]
jojo gets sot in the upper right torso and the last army guy beats on him/drowns him underfoot
man jojo gets f'd
tim saves jojo with a gun but its not loaded so the guy beats on him
he's saved by the chick blowing the bad guys head off with another gun
latr Orlando jones taLKS to himself about how he sees slavery as "allright by him"  since "anything to get da f--k outta Africa"
if he were a different race that would be seen as racist
he the finds Gustave and runs from that raging dinosaur
it gets caught in 2 trees and he gives it the finger and walks off slowly
what is this?! grizzly rage?!
it gets loose and he runs
it fades to tim finding the camera and looking for him
later tim finds the chick and jojo and sez all the bodies in the river cuz of da civil war gave Gustave a taste for human meat
then harry drives in
tim notices the beads taken from the shaman in harrys car
he was little Gustave the whole time
what a twist
he wants the tape
he burns the chick with a cigar and is gonna b0ne her dead
but tim sez the computer has an ELECTRONIC LOCATOR!!!
the its night and they get back to the camp
wait, they went to the wood thing after the army guy took em to the water
then they ran to the chopper
then they ran from the bad guys
how did it take em until night to get back there?!
did they take a break to b0ne eachother for 4 hours?!
also its raining again
did they shoot all the night scenes in the same night?!
tim and a guard follow the device alone and he finds Gustave
guard don't notice Gustave and in his barf pile is Orlando jones
in the barf pile he finds a knife and shanks the guard
the chick splashes harry with the blood/p-ss pheromones and runs and reunites with tim
harry shoots tims legs and gets ready to ive em
oh yeah and tim took out gustaves tracking thing
then Gustave comes in with pretty good animation and roars at em
it goes after harry and freekin destroys him
it tore him up and popped his head in its bite
tim and chick escape and he walks off getting shot in both legs
the chick hears the dog (she named it wile e) and goes after it in the storm with the croc
the croc attax but tim hits it with the car
the car gets stuck and Gustave busts his head into the car and thrashes around
like with that scene in Jurassic park with the t rex attacking the jeep
tim stabs it(oh yah, jojo was in the back seat with the crock next to him thrashing around but hes ok) and they drive off
man the crock gets f'd as bad as jojo
then tim chick and jojo return to America in a jet
how'd they get him a visa?!
at least he didn't have to be smuggled over in someones a55
text sez on may 2005 a cease fire ended the civil war
then Gustave eats more Africans
text sez he still lives and hunts along da river
the end
holy cr-p, walter Emmanuel jones did ADR voices
he was the black ranger in power rangers season 01
btw this was done by Buena vista
that explains the racial issues lol
that was actually kinda enjoyable
yeah it had some errors
but it tells the story well
the gore is well done and they don't queer out by censoring it
and they have the dude as the tough one
walking off gunshots to the legs
jojo's pretty bada55 too
and hes a nice guy like Goku
or Shun from Saint Seiya/Knights of the Zodiac
but he still caps people
oh and guns are not demonized and animal rights commies are show to be candy a55/ dumb a55
nowadays they'd add some anti violence cr-p to slant things away from reason
for primeval 2 i'd like for Gustave to be still attacking a river but also people in land are being iced. turns out its a Mokele-mbembe and its been tormenting Gustave his whole life. it iced his fam and mo les ted him as a kid. that's why he had to get big and strong... by eating all those people. He was only acting out from his issues. eventually Gustave takes on the Mokele-mbembe and its an epic battle where the afrians realize Gustave was the good guy the whole time and was only doing what he had to, and they give him dna roids to grow big bat wings to fly and take on the Mokele-mbembe. oh and he grows to 35 feet and is ale to fight the 30 foot Mokele-mbembe. also the sequels would have him fighting other Africa cryptids and in one sequel he goes to America to fight a tribe of sasquatch who's been b0ning people dead.

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