Tuesday, June 27, 2017

The Blue Lagoon Review

Note; I spell bad but i do it gooooooooood
the blue lagoon
this is my review on the blue lagoon(1980)
its got brooke shields and mr feeny from boy meets world
its based on a book from the 1910s or w/e
it starts with credits and good music and 1900s illusrations
then a boat as the credts go
its really amazing
now it would be cg
is directed by the guy who did grease and big top pee wee
these cousins and one of their dads is going to san frAN SICKO
they see sharks and the boy wants to eat em
the dad finds from da captain that they went off cource as of wind or something
the kids find the cooks p0rn0 pix and the cook nearly beats em
then a fire on the boat happens and everyone gets to the life boats
cook and kids in 1 and everyone else in the other
then the ship blows as there was powder in it
somehow in the smoke they cant find eachother
later cook finds some items
later cook tells the kids to listen to the sun boiling and hissing the ocean
they say they can hear it
later they find an island
the music is really good
its by Basil Poledouris
he did Robocop 3, red dawn, free willy, on deadly ground, the cr-ppy 90s jungle book, star ship troopers and both conan films
on the island it seems like a paradice with fruits and rivers and a rum barrel
also the boy finds a skull but don't know what it is
theres a lot of em up there so they book it
the girl almost eats berries that make you never wake up
so is it deadly or coma?
at night they talk about being dead
they don't seem to under stand things of it
this is what happens when you censor thing from kids
like Yugioh or Voltron cutting characters biting it
cook reveals he has 7 wifes and 17 kids of all races
in the 1900s that might've been scandalous
now its another ep of maury
man we're so mins in
that felt like nothing
we get a montage of them living on the island and learning skills
also if a boat comes near they have a signal fire
oh and they make a house outta plants
ooh, octopus vs crab
and a foot lomg centipede
so cook is getting food and finds something that freaks him out so we runs
we only see a rock and blood
he makes the kids promice not to go to the other side of the island
he sez awful things happen there and the boogeyman lives there
he sez its the law not to go there
later he gets drunk and stumbles around dancing
the kids laugh
the next day (I think? it could be months later) cook goes swimming with the rum barrel drunk
when the kids wake up hes gone and they look for him
they find him on the nearby island and boat over
but he bit it and has crabs in his mouth
I blame the booze
the girl wants to leave the island
they try boating out and find a better place to live on the island
tey build a new home and we get a beafulel montage with soft don bluth music
later they're teens and shes brooke shields
btw it shows em cutting up clams and cr-p
I'm surprised the animal supremacists didn't go mental on em
then its Christmas and he tells her santa brought them cr-p
theres even hoof prints
they have pearls but he sez theyre marbles
then he reveals he id it with coconut stilts
also they are starting to grow up
she has weird thoughts about them
man they live in a mansion
they sing Christmas carols but don't know them beyond the 1st few words
later she is swimming and has her woman thing
she don't know what it is and freaks out calling for help
but when he comes she don't want him there
I should mention I'm watching this on amc so they censored the nude areas
he tries to talk to her about her bleeding but she don't wanna talk about it
he gets mad shes keeping secrets from him
also the guy is blonde and goes around in a speedo
hes like me
later she starts noticing his muscles
I hear in the book they were mostly nude
later he is fishing but a shark gets the fish he got and it freaks his a55 out
later they talk about heaven
and things cook told em like pots of gold at the end of rainbows
or santa
or digging to china
they wonder about the cook and what happened
also he wants a book with all the answers to everything
later they hear something outside and wonder about it
later he plays pop goes the weasel on pan pipes and it p-sses off her
so she spears him in the a55 with a long item
he sez; i'll spear you
is this a p0rn0?
they playfully fight
we getta weird shot of a sea urchin on land
I had a dream about them being used in movies but people didn't know about em
also is one of her splashing in the sea and its glowing 80s style
later she goes to the other side of the island and finds a rock alter idol thing
wow we're an hour in and it didn't feel like it
also it has blood
so she runs back to him
she thinks the face is God
he gets p-ssed she broke the law (judge dredd) but she's worried if they don't see Him He wont let em go to heaven
Too bad they don't have a bible with em
later she has nightmares of him biting it
shes scared and he comforts her
then they start kissing but she stops it
later he feels her shoulder as she sleeps and smells her hair
but she thinks its weird for some reason and has him go
later he goes out and she follows and sees him j-rkin off
he wants to be left alone
what a d-ck
latr he sees a boat but she don't light the fight and it goes by
he gets p-ssed and goes to san fran sisko w/o her
but his home made boat is too cr-ppy and busts so he swims back
they argue a bit and say mean things
she sez shes gonna tell his had he was j-rkin off
he pokes fun at her b00bs and she nails his head with a coconut
he kicks her out of the mansion and treats her cr-ppy
later she steps on a stonefish and is poisoned
he realizes he needs her and she asks to be taken to God
he brings her to the stone thing w/o being told where it is or ever being there b4
He prays to it to save her and he regrets his mean words
later she starts getting better
he reveals he cares for her
he later sez he think the noise maker he heard b4 lives on a nearby island and comes there to pray
later they kiss and start getting funny feelings
then they b0ne
btw why is her hair so long and his is guy length?
we get moving music and romance
its kinda touching
then they go swimming together and see turtles b0ning
I don't get why critics hated this
its beautiful
loving and endearing
sorta like a Lillian gish film
later he swims with dolphins
hes lucky they don't b0ne him
later he tells her not to eat so much cuz shes getting fat
she dont wanna b0ne as it hurts but she has moving in her gut
she preggers
btw they're cousins like sailor Uranus and Neptune
later he hears drumming and looks for her
by night he finds the rock thing and black guys are having a ritual
they axe a guys head off
by daylight he finds her pooping out a baby
my dad said as a guy I cant know what its like to be pregnant
I said I've been constipated b4, I know what that's like
my cool 90s aunt sed; no u don't!!
she feeds it b00b milk and he makes a spear for the drum people
he knows to defend his fam he might have to ice em
later he has sensitive thoughts about how drum people have crazy eyes like people fighting to escape the boat
and wonders why people gotta be bad to eachother
later he goes to the island the cook bit it on and finds his bones
he realizes what human bones are and compares them to his
later he holds his newborn son and comforts the girl
he is more defending but has a good moment when he sees his on can swim
then we get a montage of the next few years
wtf they blurred out the toddlers butt
what about diaper adds?
or butt wipe adds?
later they chocolate up their skin while playing in the mud
meanwhile, the dad is in a nearby boat and sees their island
but thinks its not them as they don't respond to the ship
they're happy with eachother
although I'm sure the dad misses em
later they go to the 1st island and he finds a toy boat he made for the cook as a kid
the kid brings some never wake up berries aboard
the boat starts going out and the kid throws an oar out
instead of rowing, she tries to reach it
he goes to get it but sharks come
she saves him by throwing the last oar
they cant get back nd the shark is on their a55
that kid f'd em
hes like me as a kid
I f'd up things as a kid
they drift
ohhh, they named their kid paddy, after the cook
he tells his son they can hear the water hiss as the sun goes
later the kid eats some berries
after drifting for a while they give up and eat the berries to hope to reunite in heaven
but suicide is a sin
its really touching
soon after that the dad finds em
dad asks If they are dead
the boat guy sez; no, they're asleep
then beautiful piano music plays and we get the credits f going through the ocean
and violin
the end
that was great
moving, loving, magical
we need more films like this
it shows how people would be if on an island since kids
the characters are kinda still kids
just not fully mentally grown
but still innocent and kind
for the blue lagoon 2 i'd like for then to be brought back to civilization and they are seen as wonders for surviving for years and having an inbred kid. they become celebs but soon realize they are seen as freaks and decide to change thing by being political and eventually running for congress. also they get a lot of support from the inbreeders and are seen as inbreeder icons

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