Saturday, June 3, 2017

Clash Of The Titans Review

note; this movie is too good for spelling
clash of the titans
this is my review on clash of the titans(the good one(from da 80s))
it starts with a guy sending his daughter and grandson to the sea in a box
he yells at the gods and sez its cuz of her crime
his grandson is perseus (who they made my fave Yugioh card Airknight Parshath based on)
in the real story his daughter b0ned a god and it made perseus
in D&D terms, airknight parshath is a half celestial centaur paladin
then we get the credits with epic scenary shots that would look cr-ppy as cgi
the effects were done by ray harryhausen
this was his last film
last films for legends are always great
orson welles had transformers the movie
then this bird that saw the sea thing and the credits followed returns to Olympus where the gods are p-ssed at his wacking his daughter/grandson
its decided to punish the king and his people by busting his kingdom by releasing the final titan; the kraken!
btw krakens are from like Scandinavian legends
the titans were the forerunners of the gods
so his dad killed his grampa?
the reveal the kings daughter was b0ned by a god turning into a shower of gold, washing over her, and she got preggers
did he turn into magic spurm?
this is getting 18+
then again most greek legends involve weird b0ning
norse too
loki got pregnant a buncha times
once by a horse
often in greek legends, the gods turn into animals and seduce chicks
r u b0ning a swan?
nope, its a god in disguise.
so the kraken wipes out the city
I'm surprised the king waited for her to give birth to perseus
as in he didn't try to ice em in the 9 months they were preggo
so perseus and his mom grow up on a island and he becomes skilled at riding a horse in a speedo
shouldn't he be nude?
this was ancient Greece
1 goddess asks for mercy for her son
but its explained he squandered his cr-p and p-ssed off the gods
so hes turned into a weird monster
man this is like full of weird fetish themes
but the goddess sez her son is to marry Andromeda the princess
so she sez if he cant have her, no one can
and she's gonna f with Andromeda
cuz 2 wrongs make a right
this is like liberal logic
the bad sufferes, so innocents must suffer too
also she f's with perseus
hes teleported to a amphitheater and talks with burgess Meredith from the twilight zone, rocky, G I Joe the movie and batman
oh and perseus is said to be wanted to restore his homeland
so the gods find out about perseus and wana give him godly weapons
its revealed this god turns into various animals and b0nes people
once as a cuttlefish
what is this? la blue girl?!
btw this movie inspired saint Seiya/knights of the zodiac
perseus finds a sword and shield and helmet made of super metal that can cut through stone
a god talks through the shield and sez its gonna save his life
and the helmet can make him invisible
he tries the helmet and leaves w/o the sword
in Zelda you can do some games w/o the sword
perseus goes to town and finds that cuz princess Andromeda turned down the mutant so if someone wants to marry he, he has to do a riddle
its different for each person
so you cant save before and try again if it wacks ya
and if u don't get it, u get cooked
oh and the prince mutant is f ing with the town people
Andromeda hid in a tower and perseus goes to see her
this big a55 bird made of stop motion
her soul walks to a cage it carries and it carries her off
perseus wants to go after it so he goes to a special water hole and Pegasus comes by to drink
but Pegasus was born of gorgon blood after it was chopped up
yeah, born from demon blood
and its in Barbie
perseus goes invisible and it doesn't hear smell or feel his movements
nor sense his ki
and he ropes it and rides off on it in the air
remember that show "the mighty Hercules"?
where he looked like super man and had that centaur names newt who was jimmy olson?
he used Pegasus in it
and that was 20 years b4
perseus tames him by riding him and gives him water
I gotta say the effects are great
far better than cr-ppy cgi
later Andromeda goes in the cage and the bird gets her
but perseus on Pegasus persues  the bird
good effects
it looks not quite real
but better than cgi
also riding the horse in the air was done in the thief of bag dad in the 40s
man its almost an hour in
didn't feel like it
the bird puts her in this swAMP and this stop motion monster is there
it gives her a gift of a gold neck thing
we don't get a good look at it for a bit
good build up
its da prince(goddess son)
he wants her but she don't consent
sometimes the guy is stop motion
sometimes real life
its to show that hes like 8 feet tall
in close ups they do camera effects to make him look big
in long shots hes stop motion in frame with the actors
as he cant have what he wants, he has people wo want her cooked on bonfires
she goes back
somehow perseus has lost Pegasus and is wandering the swamp
the mutant prince attacks perseus and he fights back
hen we cut to the princess mom asking if anyone wants to marry Andromeda
no one sez anything but perseus comes in
they ask him idle of 3 circles and weird cr-p
2 moons and a crown
I got no idea what it is
its the mutant princes pearl ring
and perseus has his hand
he sez he spared him if he stops f ing the town people and cooking em
the mutant prince prays to the gods for revenge
wow, even his teeth are f'd up
the goddess relies in a statue coming to life that she cant harm perseus
so he asks for he kraken to f the town and ice Andromeda
Andromeda sez she only liked the mutant prince for his looks b4 he was mutated
we get some lovey dovey dialogue of perseus and Andromeda
at this thing, the Andromeda mom sez her gift for em is better than the goddess
the statue of her's head falls off and comes alive
it sez Andromeda is gonna be sacrificed to the kraken as a virgin in 30 days
or your pizza is free
I mean
or the kraken will bust their city
burgess Meredith sez the witches know a way to beat the kraken
but no one ever returned from em
also they eat people
later the mutant prince catches Pegasus
really good animation on him
these are 2 stop motion monsters moving
after looking for a bit, they go on regular horses
the gods say perseus lost the helmet in a swamp and they give him an owl
the owl owner don't wanna give it up so they make a metal one
later the good guys are in a desert and the metal owl comes to em
it looks almost rankin bass
also it talks in beeps that only perseus can understand
totally not r2 d2
btw power rangers time force ripped the metal bird helper off
ma this movie influenced so much 80s and 90s
I think Hercules and xena too
Hercules! what are you gonna do?!
herc; something really stupid!!
runs and jumps into magic void
I loved that show
they follow the owl and go into this mountain cave
the witches have no eyes and share a glass thing as a magic eye(poster) they can share
h has the metal owl snatch the eye
he ransoms if back to em for info on the kraken
if this were law and order it would be thrown out for violating their rights
they say use the gorgon's head to turn him to stone
also in here the gorgon is a titan
the writers don't seem to know what titans are
also its blood is poison
he gives em back the eye and runs out
the gorgon was said to be a priestess to the love goddess(which sounds like a p0rn0)
but she b0ned Poseidon in her temple and was turned into a monster that kills with a look
that also sounds like a p0nr0
all these ancient legends are about b0ning
some say the minotaur was made when this guy didn't sacrifice his best bull to the gods
so they used a spell on his wife and she b0ned a bull
their kid was the minotaur
I don't think breeding works that way
people cant even breed with apes
although I heard of a chick in asia who was b0ned by a sasquatch and her kid was this big tall mentally unwell guy with strength
that's not a joke
look it up
I saw it on youtube
a news story from asia
its real
so they go to the river styx(which isn't in hades) (or did they go there off camera?)
Charon (who's a skeleton) brings them across
really good skeleton effects
now it would be cr-ppy cgi
but here its actual matter on film and looks perfect
wow this movie is nearing its end
that felt like nothing
they go in the dungeon/castle to fight the gorgon
perseus sez to not look her in the face and use their reflection shields as a mirror
so I assume her killer looks is some kind of KI thing with their eyes
they fight an orthros (2 headed wolf)
really good animation
it ices a few guys and perseus shanks it dead
eat that u son of a b--ch!
I hate dogs!
great to see a double dog get iced
now they'd censor it
also the anime/manga Baoh has dogs getting iced
they to to the boss area and medusa is a stop motion monster in a dark room of red flickering light
also she has a rattlesnake tale
they don't show the medusa right away
good effects with it in the shield reflection and in the lighting
also she has a longbow
is this where they got the idea for G I Joe the movie?
Wasssssss a maaaaaaaaaan!
that's freaky
it uses its stare and glowing eyes to fossilize someone
man that face looks like a real person
how'd they do that?
now they'd use cgi
but then they had real effects
she wasts a few guys and perseus recalls the words that the shield will guard his life
he uses the shield reflection to make her think he's elsewhere ad when she comes around the corner he lops off her head
good tension in the build up too
in the real version her gushing out blood made Pegasus
holy cr-p the blood melted his shield
that was made of super god metal
maybe she is a titan
why doesn't the blood eat through the ground?
he acquired the gorgon head
later its a storm and the good guys are sleeping with a red sack tied to a tree
the mutant prince stabs it and blood comes out
the blood makes a scorpion grow huge
and multiply
he whips the metal owl in the water and the good guys fight the giant scorpions
also he whips the horses away
really good effects on the scorpions
1 guy ices a scorpion and another gets iced
mutant prince ices another guy
perseus ices the last scorpion and mutant prince whips the sword out his hand
he whips perseus and perseus gets back his blade and chucks it into the mutant princes gut
I kinda expected him to blow up in a fireball
I saw too much power rangers
wait, I thought the blood was poison
why didn't it kill the scorpions?!
metal owl comes out and is ok and perseus asks him to find Pegasus
it flies through the mutant princes lair and scares his cavemen minions
it hassles the giant bird and knocks stuff over to start a fire
somehow this frees Pegasus
later Andromeda  is taking a nude bath and we see side b00b and butt cheek
both are kinda big
shs dressed and readied for sacrifice
perseus runs outta gas and the goddess sez its the eve of the longest day
the gods release the kraken but he also revives Perseus's strength with an action figure of him being stood up
btw, how did the goddess get permission to set up the whole "sacrifice her to the kraken' if the head god didn't want to?
I mean he mutated her son despite her protests but she can f with his son's gf?
they chain Andromeda to the rock and the kraken(which looks awesome btw) arises
perseus flies over on Pegasus and metal owl goes at kraken
it resists the bird easy
I like the shot of perseus on Pegasus
its the actor, the stop motion and the moving ahead ground combined and synchroed
he comes in and kraken knocks him down
owl gets the gorgon head and brings it to perseus
he uses the medusa head to turn the kraken to stone
looks more like ice
then it crumbles for some reason
he then chucks the head in the ocean to stop it from being a threat
like with Godzilla and the oxygen destroyer
btw I thought the kraken was the last of the titans
but theres also medusa who is a kraken?
hows that work?
they just, forgot abut her?
he frees Andromeda and everyone cheers
according to legend, perseus saved the ethiopia princess Andromeda from being sacrificed.
most images of this event show her to be blonde and blue eyed.
to be fair, sailor venus is japanese and blonde/ blue eyed.
maybe all ethiopians were blonde back then and recently turned black?
it was so long ago who really knows?
the gods talk about how if courage and imagination were qualities all kortals had then the gods wouldn't be needed
I don't think that's how it works
the head god forbids al revenge against perseus and Andromeda/perseus get married and b0ne
to commemorate their awesomeness, the stars are named after em in constellations
the end
btw Ursula andress(Aphrodite) had no dialogue
she just stood there and looked good
kinda like the blonde in yugioh gx who hardly dueled
and when she came back in Yugioh arc v she's around for 20 eps and gets captured after 2 card games
the end
that was grand
better than troy as it didn't censor the gods
and I haven't seen the remake but I hear it s-cked
btw, perseus(harry Hamlin) reprised his role in one of the god of war games
kevin sorbo too
he's cool
Holy Heteroes! Harry Hamlin's Hermaphrodite Husband Hardly Heaved Hot Heavy Hemp!
I'm surprised this didn't get a video game
its perfect for it
epic monster fight would make good boss battles
it could be like a platformer like a batman game and have air levels on Pegasus and items ou can use like mirror shield and invisibility helmet and stone ray gorgon head blasts.
for clash of the titans 2 I'd like for a new threat to arise and king perseus and queen Andromeda need help. so they get other half god warriors like castor and pollux to form a rag tag team of warriors to take the fight to them and use their awakened god powers to power up and bust a55 in really splattery battle of people getting holes punched in em and bones removed. also the bad guys invading form England of w/e are in gear suits that increase their strength and defend them its also a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis and super Nintendo and you can be up to 4 players, castor, pollux, perseus and Andromeda.

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