Tuesday, June 6, 2017

The Black Cat Review

note; this keyboard is cr-ppung out
the black cat
this is my review on the black cat (1934)
its got boris Karloff and bela Lugosi
its named after a thing by edgar allen poe
I never read it
its directed by edgar g ulmer
he made movies fat and cheap
its by universal who did a lotta horror In da 30z
it starts with credits showing who plays what with film clips and names
then a newly wed couple is on a train in Europe
why don't 20s and 30s girls have long hair?
lilian gish had long hair
as did greta garbo kinda
so bela Lugosi is put in  their train room
this is how horror movies start
hes going near their same direction to see a friend
later he runs his hand by her head
he sez he left his woman to go to war for zee kaizer
and talks about a prison where most don't make it out
he made it out after 15 years
they get off and its raining
they go on a bus with leather flap doors and Lugosi sez to take em near someones house
bus driver sez in the war many bit it
and the river was full of BLOOD
and its the biggest graveyard in da world
the bus crashes and driver bites it
such a useful character
he had like 55 seconds of screentime
they walk to this weird castle thing with many crosses near it
inside it looks like the crippled guys apartment from clockwork orange
apparently the wife has a leg wound
over a wall communicatior the Karloff is told legosi arrived
this place looks really 70s
like the omega man or something
Lugosi treats the wide and sez she'll be ok
Karloff comes in and looks at her
Lugosi fill him in on the last 12 mins of plot
they go and Lugosi sez Karloff built his place on his victims as hes a murderer and wants his wife and daughter back
one bit it and Karloff left the men who bit it to bite it and took his wife or daughter or w/e for his own
husband comes in and sez he likes the place
Lugosi sez the place was built on ruins of a fort
Karloff is an architect (like art vandelay??) and Lugosi is a psychiatrist
Lugosi seez a cat and picks it off with a throwing knife
its offscreen
if made now it would show it sliced in 2
like the dog in riki-oh
the wife comes up kinda dazed and Karloff sez Lugosi is afraid of cats
Lugosi sez he gave her drugs that means she needs rest
also it can give em psychic feels
husband don't buy it  and sez when the cat got cut the wife went weird
Lugosi sez that black cats have powers or something and are evil
my bro had an Egyptian cat
it was a c-ck sucker
it p-ssed everyone off
one day it ran out
and we were free
husband has the door open with Lugosi net door
if this were made nowadays they'd be b0ning
btw this movie reminds me a bit of a page of madness(920s artsy Japanese film)
at night Karloff walks around holding a black cat and looking at women in lass cages
its like in new cutey honey with the jewel princess
Karloff comes in the room looking form Lugosi but its the husband
Karloff comes out of the next room
Karloff sez hes gonna takes him to his wife
he shows him the under layers of the building with the fort still part up
Karloff shows luosi his wife preserved in a glass box
he wanted to have her beauty always
is he some kinda necroqueer?
also his daughter bit it
Lugosi is gonna cap Karloff but a cat shows up and freaks him out
Karloff goes on a wordy poetic monologue about how they were dead since that battle and they're gonna play a killer game
but they gotta wait for the couple to leave
Karloff gors upstairs with a blonde chick in bed
is that Lugosi's daughter?
were they b0ning?
Lugosi tells his henchman to wait as the place is full of (kid)dynamite
Karloff reads a book on black arts
the next day the wife don't recall the last night and Lugosi and kArfoll comes in
Karloff wants to keep the wife there and use her for a black ritual
Lugosi wants to ave her so they play chess to decide who gets her
wat is this? Yugioh?!
the couple get kinda lovey dovey and she sez she hates the place
da Austrian cops come in(wait theyre Hungarian) about the accident
the cops talk about who's hometown is better
they get info and the cops cant take em to the village cuz they ride bikes and leave
such comic relief in this demon worship horror movie
Karloff and Lugosi play chess
oh and karlof sed they can get a train lift at 11 pm
husband wants to leave and Karloff tries to persuade em
but the car is out of order so they gotta wait
husband wants to phone but it don't work
the couple tries to leave but someone swiped the husbands gun
Karloff wins at chess and now Lugosi has to let kaloff b0ne him
they try to leave but this big henchma guy beats the husnand and carries the wife to a room
Karloff locks her in and hunchman carries off husband to da basement
ooh theres moving passages
this would be a good video game
later Karloff plays the bach song da nana, da nana nanana used in fantasia with the horror
Lugosi tries to help the wife and tells her how Karloff killa his famalee!
oh and how Karloff is a demon priest and wants to sacrifice her
sounds like Yugioh
he tells her to be brave and leaves
also she asked why Lugosi didn't ice Karloff
good question
Lugosi's daughter comes in and thinks Lugosi bit it
also she married Karloff
but I think it was a demon wedding
wife tells her lugosis alive so he takes her offscreen and I think b0nes her dead
so its almoist time for the ritual and theres guests arriving
all these Europeans show up and Lugosi I mean Karloff has a black ceremony where he reads latin
the cult brings the wife down and Lugosi comes in too
oh and the lugisi minion works for Karloff now
husbnd wakes up and escapes the hidden room
Karloff is gonna do something to wife but daughter screams and faints
in the chaos Lugosi and his minion now working for him again save the wife
huband beats up butler  but loses and butler guns down the henchman but bites it
wife tells Lugosi hia daughter is alive but he finds her dead
Karloff comes in and they fight
I think it wasn't his daughter who screamd
henchman is alive long enough to help Lugosi chain up Karloff and pull off his clothes
he gonna b0ne him!!
Lugosi skins him alive but it don't show it
if this was made today they would
husband and wife reunite
husband is behind a gate and when Lugosi helps her with the key he caps him
yeah that makes sense
why not just say; I'm helping her!! ??
Lugosi pulls the self detonate switch and in 5 mins the whole place goes up
he couple gets out
on a train the husband reads a review of his book that sez its too unbelievable
the end
huh, according to tcm, the skinning scene was originally far bloodier
that was pretty good
tame by todays standards
but in the 30s, too hot
Karloff and Lugosi as 2 bad dudes after eachother
is this based on a true story?
it was so long ago, who can say?
for the black cat 2 i'd like for Karloff to have survived the place going up and being skinned by jumping his soul into the daughters body. oh and black magic. he follows the couple all over europe where they gather holy relics to beat him once and for all. its also a platformer like the pagemaster on sega genesis and snes where either the husband or wife goes though levels with monsters and horror themed sets like Frankenstein ad Dracula like graveyards and castles. also each item found allows a new attack or ability.

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