Sunday, December 31, 2017

Don't Open the Door! Review

note; spelling bad makes it kooler homie
don't open the door
this is my review on don't open the door (1975)
Its also called Don't Hang Up
I nevr saw it b4 nor heard much of it
wow the film quality is cr-p
its like a bad vhs
so this blonde hag comes in and b--ches at this guy
he looks like david ogden stires from mash
they talk kinda souther
so da hag is gonna out mash to some girl but he smacks her and she goes out
wtf they live in a train
this blonde who looks like a non hag version of the hag is called by the hag
hag sez to come over or something but don't tell anyone she called
btw the audio s-cked in this film
her ex bf comes in and she tell him shes gonna see her grandma who raised her or something
then cr-ppy credits
man, the dolls in the credits scene are all f'd up
1 credit name; oliver h oliver
btw this is widescreen
then its 1962 and this mom gets a phone call
she tells her daughter it was a wrong number
I kinda like the look of this film though
sorta like kiss of the tarantula
later its nighter and a guy is in their place
he almost touches her face and goes to chop up the mom
daughter comes in and finds her
then a hand grabs her mouth
and we cut to daytime
did he b0ne her dead?
the blonde from b4 comes to a house
good music
twangy janky 70s cr-p
inside she finds the hag whos her grandma who tells her to go
she cant understand raspy whispers and this dr tells blonde to not disturb her
also he sedated her
the mash looking guy and the dr and another guy bicker a bit
later after they leave she wanders around looking to see if theres anyone still in the house
in the attic she finds theres red windows
much of this seems to be just people walking around in music w/o words
better than 2001 a space odyssey
btw; get f'd oddessey. I never know how to spell it and its all cr-ppy
so she calls a guy and sez grandma should be in the hospital but the dr wont let her
she later gets a call from someone with a raspy voice telling her to get out
she hangs up on him and looks through pictures and papers
good music
mild, moving and upbeat
she finds a newspaper about her mom and flashes back to seeing her and zooming in 3x
later she has a bubblebath like in cutey honey and reads a magazine in da tub
she falls asleep and its wet
then wakes up to da phone and raspy is on it
she hangs up on him but he calls back
after some more whispering she hangs up his a55 again
btw shes in a towel and we don't see her t-ts
she goes down and meets the dr
after he checks out the grandma she goes to sleep in a pink thing
she wears a lotta pink
while sleeping someone lifts her dress with a stick but she wakes up and hes out
she confronts dr but he denies it
the next day dr almost sends grandma to hospital bt someone else sez its better she bites it at home
blonde goes to a doll place with f'd up dolls run by the 3rd guy from b4
he has a thing of her mom set up that disturbs her and she books it
the doll guy tries to get the mash guy to make the blonde leave town and sez something about the mash guy doing something to the mom
doll guy talks to the fake thing of the mom about how blonde is gonna take back her grandmas things from his place
mash guy tries to buy the house from blonde but she doesn't consent
oh hes a judge
judge I think goes into the basement or the doll place and is beat dead with a hammer
then blonde gets a call from raspy and he sez he loves her
she tells him off and he reveals hes the doll guy
he tells her about how her mom got it
she runs outside and its night and a mature woman is there and asks about her grandma
she goes back inside freaked out and answers da phone
its raspy doll man and reveals he saw her\
I gotta say its hard to get what raspy is saying
he watches her as he feels a doll
wtf is going on
he sez its time to sleep and not to leave da house
she calls the dr and tells about the doll guy but he calmly sez to lock da doors and dot let anyone in
she has trippy dreams nd we see a creepy hand on her face
wtf is going on?
is he b0ning her???
it remind the he hermaphrodite scene in violence jack evil town with her spinning
she wakes up on da floor and finds a fake man bed
she calls on da phone and its doll guy
this is like a f'd up version of that dragonball gt episode with dorutaki lusting after pan
he looks like a lusty ben franklin
then mash guy comes out (I thought he was dead) and grabs her
then she wakes up
ok it wasn't a dream and she and mash looking guy try to team up
mash guy judge has a busted in head dent
judge mash goes upstairs to 70s guitar
theres sounds upstairs and when she goes up a guy falls down the opening the stairs go around
later the phone rings and its raspy doll guy
she sits in a rocking chair and laughs crazy
then we see a doll on a black background and credits roll
the end
wtf did I just watch?
did that even end?
it just kinda stopped and went to credits without really resolving anything
its got a charm and atmosphere and pacing that works kinda
but its kinda low budget and cr-ppy
I liked it but didn't get much of it
i'm not even sure who fell at the end or who iced the mom
for Don't Open the Door! 2 I want it to pick up where the 1st left off and she starts seeing things beyond. she notices dolls coming to life and mving in cr-ppy stop motion. also she sees centipedes the size of gators and monkeys on tricycles. in this trippy fantasy world she fights through it until her grandma calls to her via psychic link and she turns her body into Ki to give the blonde a power up. now she has power armor and can fight better. and can fight the killer dolls and giant centipedes. turns out the doll guys insanity infected her and brought them to a dimensional thing and she has to ice him to get out. its also a 16 bit sega genesis, super Nintendo and game boy advance game where you play as the blonde in pink and yellow Ki armor and its like Valis or Ernest Evans.

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Speed Review

note; I type fast at times. but my sp[elling s-cked either waty
this is my review at speed (1994 )its got jeanu reeves and dennis hopper and Sandra bullock
the opening credits are kinda cool
good early 90s
ooh alan ruck is in diss
he was the friend in ferris bueler
this came out the same year as contra hard corps, Castlevania bloodlines and pulseman on sega genesis
I beat all of em
man these credits go on forever
its widescreen
find da cure
so this guard is iced by a worker on the elevator area
he wont be in speed 2
then some guys are in an elevator
the cables blow off from a thing the worker set
this is why unions are bad
they give these malcontents entitlement
the evlevator stops with the safety but the guys are stuck
the worker sez they have 1 hour b4 he blows the emergency breaks
unless they pay him
the cops come in and search the place
Keanu is one of em
the blonde from dumb and dumber is the other
blonde gets a chair and they climb up it to get into the wall
its like a waist high opening
Keanu and blonde get on top of the elevator and talk
blonde asks what to do in a hostage thing
Keanu sez cap the hostage
just like violence jack did with that guy holding a kid at gunpoint
btw keanus name is jack
I look away to type dat and suddenly they on da roof
good f the blondes name is harry
like dumb and dumber
Keanu is lowered dow on a wire and hooks a cable to the convenient loop on the top of the elevator
the worker blows it and they get caught
but the thing the hook is on gives and gets caught again
also the cops get the door open and people oiut
but the thing holding em is unsteady
btw earlier when rigging on da roof Keanu sed to remove the hostage
so they get everyone out, even a lady who was to f'd out to go at 1st
the thing goes at da last second and elevator busts
they had 3 mins left
so Keanu realizes the worker is still there
they go in the wall and hear him koffing
he guy shoots through the floor and harry falls in
worker raises the elevator and Keanu jumps in
worker fires but is outta ammo
he has harry as a hostage and gets off on another floor
Keanu caps harrys thigh so he cant be walked out with by the worker
worker drops harry, runs through a door, and the area blows
then they get medals for saving the day
later they're having a party for saving da day
btw the worker survived
harry sez to watch out and not totally rely on luck to Keanu
then goes home to b0ne his wife
he sed so
not in those words though
the next day a bus keanus next to blows
he runs up to it while flaming for some reason
then a pay phone rings
the worker calls and is p-ssed cuz he spend 2 years on the elevator thing
he rigged another bus to blow after it hits 50 miles an hour and it pops once it goes below 50
and the worker sez rules
anyone leaves da bus, he pops it
they has til 11 am (its 8 05) to get him 3.7 million
howd the worker plan and set all this up in one night if it took him 2 years to do the 1st one?
after some tension, Keanu runs to da bus but it goes by him
he carjacks a big black guy and speeds to it
the black guy is impressed by keanus driving
the bus goes over 50
he writes a letter to the guy and the driver (whos really ugly btw. srsly he looks like a caveman!) slows the bus
but Keanu gets him to speed up
then Keanu calls harry on the black guys car phone
the worker calls da cops with his orders
Keanu busts off the black guys car door and jacks his phone
then jumps on da bus
the black guy busts his expensive car into water barells on the side of the road
Keanu trys to tell the people but a gaijin pulls a gun on him
so Keanu trys to calm him down
but another big black guy grabs the gaijin and the gun goes off and caps the caveman driver
Sandra bullic takes the wheel and Keanu sez if the bus goes below 50 it blows
Sandra sez she takes da bus cuz she lost her liscence for speeding
nowadays some malcontent might be triggered by women drivers s-cking
harry tells kranu to check under da bus
caveman driver sez there a panrl to the underside in da floor
he has alen ruck (who was like 30 when he made ferris bueler but ages slow(is he an elf??)) repeats when Keanu and harry say while looking at the device
it has a cr-ppy gold watch as the timer
Sandra needs keanus help to know what to do to get through traffic
she busts a lotta cr-p
harry realizes this guy whos how to make thing that blow and how to disarm em
and the watch is a key
so it might be a disgruntled ex cop
Sandra drives cr-ppy and on the wrong side of the road
the cop chopper above guides em to an empty freeway
btw the bus numbers are on da roof
I think its for aliens
works for the Nazca lines theroys lol
Sandra busts over a hobo chicks baby carriage of cans and freaks out over killing a baby
I guess shes the one pro life human in los angelas
theyn they drive through a tight area and nearly tip over
if it DID tip over then wouldn't dat be good?
it could spin the axel wheels and go as fast as they want
holy cr-p were over an hour in (with commercials) and it didn't feel like it
then Keanu bonds with Sandra
btw this thing of "guy holds hostages and plays a deadly game" would later be done a lot in Yugioh and saw
the cops try to get people off da bus but Keanu tells em no
then worker calls ands Keanu gets him to let off the driver
lol Keanu calls the big black guy "gigantor"
its tetsujin 28 you okama gaijin!
the big black guy and Keanu get da driver off
btw alen ruck is really fun in this
a cheesy 80s guy
a lady trys to jump too but worker blows part of the bus
she goes under the wheels and bites it
shes not gonna be in speed gx
the passengers bicker a bit in an attempt for a sad moment
lol alen ruck; you wanna step outside?!
Keanu comforts Sandra
oh and in a few miles the road isn't done
theres a 50 foot missing area
why not flip the bus so its wheels spin and it goes nowhere?
Keanu has the Sandra bullik floor it to jump the hole
that's some video game logic right there
the cop cars drive off the road to the side
why not just drive the bus offroad?
come on
get srs
wtf the bus can only go 70 mph max?
freekin cr-pmobile
they jump and make it
then drive to da airport
Keanu chats with the worker who sez this is his revenge or something and he's getting paid what is owed him
Keanu gets off and sez he somehow knows that if they try to get the hostages off the worker will ice em
he was right about the guy being in the building
I assume hes got psychic skills
they ower Keanu on a small wheelie thing under da bus to disarm it
Keanu cant disarm it and the cable snaps or w/e and hes nearly crushed by da wheels
he uses a knife to jack himself into the fuel tank and hold on to cables to stay on
oh its a screwdriver
gigantor pulls his a55 up
also the gas is running out the hole
huh, the director also did speed 2(speed gx), the haunting, twister and tomb raider 2 (tomb raider z)
the cops find the home of the worker
and it blows
I think harry bit it
worker calls Keanu and sez harry got cooked
his watch was a trick and it was his retiremewnt gift
he gives orders for his ransom and Keanu goes mental
why'd he tell Keanu his ransom demands?
Keanu never tells the cops
kanu notices the Sandra bulliks shirt sez Arizona
as she went to school in Arizona
and worker called her wildcat
as in Arizona wildcats
Keanu realizes that the worker can see em in the bus
but he somehow knows he cant hear em
he hooked up the bus and made the device and set this cr-p all up WITH a camera too??
all in one night to plan and do it??
come on!
da cops get a camera man to tape the bus from the hidden camera by tuning in to its UHF
and loop it so the worker thinks they are still there on camera
that's pretty high tech skill for 1994
the director also cinematography worked on cuju, clan of the cave bear, leonard part 6, die hard, flatliners and basic instinct
most were good
they get the people off the bus and rig a rope to let them slide off the bus on the door to the floor
howd they get it under the bus?
wouldn't it just fit in perfect?
the bus hits a plane and both blow
the worker calls the cops asking about his money
Keanu sez he doesn't know the bus went up
the cops go to the hood the worker sed to drop it
worker realizes the bus went after watching the news
he captures sandrea bulliook and heads off
somehow he gets the money in the can
Keanu senses somethings up and turns on the tracker
he follows it and finds Sandra strapped with a vest or bra or w/e
worker gets away with Sandra and onto an subway
keanu catches up and opens a sealed train door with his bare hands and gets in
worker shreds the driver for listening to the radio of cops
worker plans to let Sandra blow and get away with da cops thinking he bit it 2
he senses Keanu on the top of the train(well, hears him) and senses its Keanu
he calls to him saying he's willing to bribe him
but a goo thing blows in the money bag, which somehow ruined it
just suck it off
looks grape or bubblegum flavored
he goes on the roof of a moving train and fights keanyu
Keanu pushes his head higher and a light takes off workers head
see you in h-ll dennis hopper
Keanu takes off her bra/vest and finds the track isn't finished and the driver and controls were shredded with gunfire
Keanu and Sandra try to take off the pole Sandra bullokcs handcuffed to
but after dat don't work he sets the train to full thrust
they have a moment together
the train crashes safely and they grind to the streets above
they make out and mention b0ning as a buncha people gather to watch
then the credits roll with 80s billy idol music as it goes super widescreen
the end
that was pretty good
good action
good characters
good twists
good fun
I usually prefer Keanu reeves in happier films like bill and ted
but this worked
for speed 2 I want harry to have survived being cooked when the house blew and had artificial skin made to restore whats left of his body.he also had cyber limbs equipped and becomes a cyber cop. but his minds is unbalanced after getting blows apart in speed 1 and starts gorily splattering crooks for things like shoplifting. they are gonna take him out but once they see crime goes down with him doin that they keep him on and give him free reign over LA. its also a sidescrolling action game on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar where you play as cyber harry and go around gruesomely destroying people who break da law. and the bosses are crooks on drugs so they feel no pain and have higher strength at the cost of their bodies taking more damage as they break down with each attack from overclocking itself.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Pete's Dragon Review

note; spelling right? I alrayds do dat
petes dragon
this is my review on petes dragon(da 70z 1)
ooh its got red buttons and shelly winters
and Charlie callas
I only know him from da simpsons
If I saw this b4 I don't recall it
I assume its based on a true story like most Disney things
holy cr-p don bluth did the animation
and john pomeroy and gary goldman
they did all the good 80s animated movies
now I'm interested
so it starts with a kid floating and a guy looking for him
is this dbz?
hes talking to an invisible creature
then some inbred looking guys come after him comically
they look like cavemen
is this wrong turn 1-6?
they sing about wanting da kid
and how they gon treat him good
then sing about how they gonna ice him
among the things mentioned are beating and eating him and sawing him in half
then the invisible monster starts beating around the inbred guys and they fall in a pit of cr-p
these inbred guys are really exaggerated
its like a modern silent film
the inbred gang say they blew teir last 50$ on him and cant buy another
boy for sale!
boy for sale!
the next day the invisible monster is revealed to be a big green dragon
it looks really don bluth
the kid feeds him apples
they sing a song about belonging together
its a mix of live action and cartoon
I gotta say it does look quite good
its a bit off at times but fits well
btw the dragon sometimes hides in trees
I question dat
then again it flies on little pink wings
they come to a new place and the dtagon turns him self invisible a part at a time and back before going full
in town the animals sense the dragon
good use of effects showing his effects
along the way he and dragon accidentally f's with a b--chy teacher
after f ing with the town they form a mob like in Frankenstein and go after his a55
but the kid/dragon escape
btw that dragon is pretty tubby
reminds me of eve from dragons lair 2
the town drunk sees the dragon and runs off to tell the bar in song
he sez its fire breathing but he didn't see it blast
good f it shows a close up of a horse doing that mouth thing
you know, where they lift the lips and show horse teeth
its like a brittish thing
man this bar musical cr-p just goes on
then they start running on barrels like in sonic
then the barrels burst and spray em with foamy j-zz
so da drunk's daughter takes him home and he tells a clearer image of what happened
so later the kid an dragon are in a cave and the dragon trys to play tic tac toe on his body with a burned stick
they try having a sad moment
then a chick find him and brings him up
turns ouit the rednex were beating him
in the real version they might';ve been b0ning him
she tells her backstory but I wasn't really listening
he sings to describe the dragon
a next day the drunk finds him and recognizes him
the girl is his daughter
he freaks out
he wants to bring da dragon 2 da bar to prove hes not full of cr-p
holy cr-p we're 40 mins in
dat felt like nothing
then dr red buttons comes in on a cr-pmobile and f's da town
the town remembers him and run him out for phony remedies
wait, re buttons is the assistant
the dr sings about his cr-p and keeps screwing up the towns weird a55 name
this movie has good color
better than most digital cr-p today
he uses his cr-ppy potions to heal a ladys ears
oh it was red buttomns
then red plays a rabbi who's legs are healed by his juice
this wins the mob over from lynching him to buying his fluids
its probably fluid from his popped boils
that went on for like 10 mins
meanwhile the daughter thinks the dragon is make believe
oh amd the daughters bf went out to sea a year ago
and she lives in a light house
that night she sings a song
milky p-ss! its just 1 song after another
she sings about light and hope like a Yugioh zexal song
back in the cave the dragon is cooking his a55 on a campfire when the kid finds him
kid wants the dragon to find her bf
he gives he dragon a kiss
ok this movie is good
at the bar the dr sells more boiled p-ss in bottles and sez he sold his horses to settle a malpractice suit
drunk comes in and talks to dr
dr; why do u think they call me doc? cuz they sail their boats into me?
me; I imagined them driving a boat up his a55 because of that
drunk sez theres a dragon but they don't buy it
but red buttons wants to see it
they get drunk(for the drunk he gets drunker) and go to see da dragon
good f this is an hour in
the dragon is sleeping but wakes up and hears drunk talking about how awful he things a dragon is
they see da dragon and freak out but he thinks its his shadow that's another dragon
they offer da dragon booze and half a flask makes it blast flame
they run home
red tells dr about it but he don't buy it
da next day the daughter makes the kid go to school
also all the fish in the area are gone
the fishermen blame da kid
in the seventh sign near the end of the world, everything in the ocean bites it
its a sign
btw this is set in like the 1900s
like fiddler on the roof
then we get yet another song
this ones about accepting nature
I say nuke the ocean and bugs
especially the dogs
send em all to French canada and nuke it
the director also did 1 million years bc and Jason and the Argonauts
at school the dragon rings the bell but the teacher blames the kid and whips him like a slave
nah she just beats his hands
shes gonna whip his a55 with a ruler but the dragon busts in
kid makes him leave b4 he b0nes the teacher inside out
and dr hears and wants to chop up the dragon to make cures
I thought he just sold cr-p
then the sing about chopping him up
for several minutes
the dr and red go to see kid about buying da dragon
but book it after hearing hes invisible
the drunk sez the dragon and kid an stay
then another song
later the kid is fishing and the inbreeders return
afte a crazy son they make a pact with the dr to get the dragon
later the daughter gives up on thinking her bf is alive and trys to get the kid to not believe in da dragon
later the dr lures the kid out saying the dragon is f ing up da town
and at da same time the bf returns in a storm on boat
when kid gets to where dr took him, the inbreeders catch him
but dr wants to use the id as bait to wack the dragon
and to get the dragon there red buttons has to bring it
why not just go to the cave and ice him?
why not get the kid to bring da dragn?
why get the kid and dragon separately?
this is all a55 backwards
red goes to the dragon but it goes bad a55 and goes mental
when the draghon gets there they catch it in a net so its just puppets under cloth
dr lights da harpoon gun and the rednecks catch the kid
but dragoin gets free and saves him
wtf it can use its tail as a tentacle?
mrs redneck holds up the ownership papers of the kid and the drafon cooks em
why hold them up?
why show a dragon?
can it read?
the rednex fall in tar and run off to make more inbred kids
dr fires the harpoon and his leg is caught in da rope and gets hung upsidedown from a building
he asks for da dragons extra hair scales and nails but dragon sez no
why not ask for its p-ss?
then dragon saves some townspeople from a falling power line
then he goes to save the bf's boat after the lighthouse went out
btw the wind is so strong the dragon has trouble flying in it, but the kid can walk around ok
oh and daughter seez him
after trying for a while, he lights the house light with fire
later bf reunites with daughter and sez he lost his memory after being the only survivor of a shipwreck and recently he bumped his head and it returnd
that's like every soap opera combined
the town celebrates the dragon and kid
then for no real reason the dragon has to go back to h-ll or w/e
oh he has to help another kid
we get a sad moment of him saying bye to the dragon forever as somehow he cant find time to visit
what is this? dbz where Goku leaves with uub?
dragon flyz off and everyone runs and we get good ariel camera work
the end
I gotta say
that wasn't so bad
it had a few moments of heart
it didn't drag
and the early don bluth work is pretty nice
I liked it
its kinda cheesy but not so cheesy its awesome
its positive and silly but its not awful
plus nowadays they cant show kids getting beat or kids movies with booze or bars or drunks
wtf happened to America?
it got its a55 candied
for petes dragon 2 I want the dragon to go to help some kid who is a midget and the family dog keeps b0ning him. but the family don't believe him and loves the dog more than him. also they give the dog higher status than the kid and when out for parties where they do chronic, the dog is in charge. and when the dragon gets there its so disturbed by this, it snaps and goes on a rampage busting up the town and flamethrowering dogs. not just the ones that b0ned the kid, but all the dogs that unite to try to take him down. also the dog was letting its dog friends b0ne the midget.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Marie Antoinette Review

note; this movie is long and French
marie Antoinette
this is my review on marie antoinettye (the 30s one)
its got norma sheerer and tyrone power and john barryumore
its based on a true story like nightmare b4 Christmas and primeval
but 1st the movie has to load like a sega cd game as we get overture for several minutes
its directed by w s van dyke who also did Tarzan the Ape Man (19 32) Thre thin man (I never saw it) san fran siscko (the 30s one) and other thin man films I never saw
so mary is gonna be married off to a Frenchie to be the French queen
shes happy to be married
also shes not French
shes Austrian like Arnold or fritz lang or fred Astaire or erich von Stroheim
later she meets her man, king lewie of france
then they get married
her husband seems a but odd
mary seems cheerful
mary and lewie talk and get to know eachother
lewie has a clock fetish and has 20 clocks in his workshop that go at the same time
then she sees fireworks outside
lewie as people who hate him for being king
and he feels inferior to his cooler brothers
and has no friends
he cant handle all this talk and wants to go
wait, he's not king yet
and it was his dad the kings idea for the marriage
lewie breaks down and mary comforts him
later its their 2nd anniversary
later the duke or orleens is being kind of a d-ck to people and sez something about some people not liking someone
its hard to follow
oh and this chick who hates lewie is there making comments
late lewie gives mary a spinning wheel he made 4 her
later mary gets a toy cradle with a poem telling her to go back to Austria and calls her infertile
according to wikipedea I missed a part where the lewie cant have kids
its from the hater chick
after he gets bummed, mary gives a positive speech to fight on
or in Yugioh zexal
later theres a party with chicks wearing weird head things and playing 1700s games
one game has a guy with covered eyes guessing who is who
also he feels and makes out with em
I like how this shows the cool rich guys in there
not the poors who would wack em
its like the opposite of a tale of 2 cities
later at a party tyrome power comes by and mary thinks hes Russian
hes a swede
his name is axel like alex gear or axel hawk
he has him fake being Russian
its to win a bet
also axel sez the commoners don't like her
a guy bets her a necklace if she can get the axel back after leaving
she smooches him and he books it
shje pays the guy the necklace
I just realized mary anntoinette is mary ann but longer
lewie b--ches at her for losing a 200 000 rench money necklace
also people think shes a 5kank
also the people in the castle and in the real world hate her
oh it not lewie
its her moms ambassador
later mary is dancing and lewie watches from above while eating an apple
the her chick word clashes with mary for a bit
I think the hater was a h00ker in the past
so later da king wants to end marys marriage
the king has dat power?
that's f;d
then again the brit qween had diaina wacked
oh and the king got up his lewies a55 so he countered and pushed him
then cowers saying sorry
later axel rose or w/e comes by and they chat for a while
I think they in love
they eventually smooch and it changes scenes
I think they b0ned
later they cuddle standing up as day breaks
btw I forgot to mention that duke orleens was descended from a regent years ago
I assume that's the only reason anyone pays attention to him
kinda like da qweens son charlez
except duke orleens never had his ex woman iced
later the king is gonna bite it
then he bites it
and lewie is king of franch
axel wants to break up with mary after she becomes queen
and hes going to America
hey try to make it look touching
buit they were cheeting on the king
I mean lewie
then we get intermission
later mary is pooping out a baby
the army fires 101 shots for a son and 21 for a girl
oh and apparently she had a girl b4
wtf they skipped the b0ning, pregnancy and 1st kid?
its a boy btw
then it shows some poors working hard and b--ching
theres a malcontent uprising
not like America
but the bad kind like cuba
and the malcontents blame her for their cr-ppyness and hate her ancestry
btw this is like an hour and a half in
it didn't feel like it
later theres something about an expensive diamond necklace and people think she wanted it
but shes framed
she has a trial but duke orleens is against em
he wants em to give up the throne
as he'd get the rule w/o em
she goes against orleens
later the guy on trial for lying about the mary gets away with it
just like with o j people cheer
and just like with the cops beating that drunk driver in LA, the people wanna go on a violent rampage
the king trys legal means to hold back the malcontents but they revolt
they bust in and overtake the palace
if the kings guards had better firearms they could mow down these invaders
the malcontents capture the king lewie and his fam
I some parlement thing people talk about the king and fam
the malcontents humiliate lewie and when mary stands up for her Frenchie husband they slap her
in he real version I think they were b0ning her and the king and the kids
later they are imprisoned and help comes to get em out
oh its axel
later they get out mary goes mental trying to get the right outfit to escape in
axel holds a guard at gunpoint to get mary away even though it means he's gonna get the chair
the fam gets away by mary faking being the governess of her own kids who say they are someone elses kids
a creepy guy talks to the fam and gets payed for the horses
the kid sez his dad is a locksmith
later the creepy guy gets that the kids dad is the king and goes after em
creepy guy gets ahead and gives the escort fake news about the king to send them away
the fam gets to where they were but they gone so they go ahead w/o em
at town they get stopped and some malcontent I think the creepy guy tryes to out em
hes doing well hiding his identity but a priest recognizes him
they go to jail and the female faking being the kids mom is taken away to be b0ned dead by frenchies
it don't show what they do to her but mary and lewie are disturbed by it
I assume they were pulling her flesh off her bones and eating her alive like a pack of centipedes
the malcontents vote to have the king put to sleep
lewie gets one last time to see his kids
he faces it with courage and honor
at 1 last dinner with his fam he does his best to be strong for his kids who dont know
he says a wholesome prayer and the next day is wacked
and everyone outside cheers for him getting chopped up
afterward the kings items are returned to his fam, including the sons broken toy the king fixed
then the new socialist government votes to take away the Mary's son
mary trys to appeal to their hearts
but they French and are thus evil
btw the kings kid has long hair
she sez bye to her son and they take him
later axel returns to soviet france even though if found he'd get chopped up
also duke orleens is getting the guillotine
and if anyone accuses you of being an enemy, u get chopped
sounds like today with people being accused of being a mo lester ort having a weird fetish or of being whatever-phobic
and the mary is getting iced tomorrow
axel sees mary and comforts her
oh and according to the wikipedea article the new gov used the sons testimony and twisted it to make his mom look bad
that's awful
how soviet
so then she gets the guillotine and axel cringes at it while wearing the ring she gave him
the end
that was not bad
kinda hard to follow and draggy at times
but not bad
I like historical films and this is set in the Castlevania days around the time of richter Belmont
now I now the story of mary anne
and I like how it shows the rich as victims of the poors
like with batmans rents
its not the best, but it has good elements
for marie Antoinette 2 I want axel to have saved Mary's kids and took em back to America where they gathered support for the new country to free france from the socialists. also in socialist france the people are going through low food so many have turned to cannibalism even when there are dogs around as they see dogs as superior to humans. realizing this, the americans send dogs coated with liquid HIV to france so when the people b0ne them they get infected. the French realize that if they keep b0ning dogs they all gonna bite it. but they still b0ne em. after a few years, the malcontents of france have died out and its a ghost town. but its really full of the ghosts of the malcontent frenchies too evil for even h-ll. so the marys kids go back there to seal the ghosts in magic jewels to keep em from ghost b0ning anyone who comes to france. also its a 16 but beat em up with player one as the son and player 2 as the daughter and they have to go around the area sealing ghosts in magic jewels by beating them up with holy kung fu. its on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Gameboy advance. oh and you gotta fight dogs with HIV and their half dog half Frenchie offspring as bosses.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

The Hatchet Man Review

note;  I know some Japanese. too bad this movie is Chinese.
the hatchet man
this is my review of the hatchet man (1930s one)
it starts with scrolling text saying in san fran Sodom in the 1910s was many Chinese
and they were ruled by tongs (gangs or something)
and to enforce things was the "hatchet man"
a position passed down through familes
so then we get some people having a celebration oir something
someone bit it
a geezer uses fortune telling sticks to find his boss will be next
what is this? final destination?
the boss gets p-ssed
later comes in the hatchet man
Edward g robinson
he's called to wack the guy who iced the 1st iced guy
its the guy the fortune sticks said would get it
also he's Edwards best friend
they grew up together like Yusei and jack in Yugioh 5ds
mark from the room; johnnys my best friend
ed refuses but they pull the "honor and duty" cr-p to force him
btw this guy don't get a trial or an appeal
they just ice him
how un-American
so his best friend writes out his will as he knows hes gonna bit it
he gives custody of his daughter (a little girl) to ed
and sez he has to marry her at legal age
wtf kinda woody allen cr-p is this?!
he's literally old enough to be her dad
not just like a 14 year old and 20 something like with serena and darien in sailor moon
or pan and trunks in dbgt
they got a whole generation between em
so ed comes in and they play nice and innocent
they hear his daughter singing
she's 6
good f man!
ed is like 40!!
then again hugh Heffner b0ned girls who were like 20 when he was nearly 90
good f man
so best friemd sez for ed to be good to his daughter
after a bit ed pulls out an axe from his sleeve and wastes him
then text sez todays Chinatown is different and the tongs are gone
by it day it means da 30z
so a guy  and chats with ed
he sezs their women are being ruined by "intelligence and freedom"
how liberal
also ed is gonna marry the girl
shes now played by Loretta young who was in laugh clown laugh with lon chaney
ed; I loved her as a child. now that shes a woman, I still love her
good f man!
this is some bad woody allen cr-p!
were they b0ning back then??!!
also the gurl (toya) is dancing with guys
me she finds a moon butterfly
its a sign of a marriage
ed gives her a diamond bracelet
and a jade ring
its his moms engagement ring
he offers to marry her but knows she might not want it so he gives her a free choice
she consents (they literally say "consent" like 3x)
the are about to marry but the tong wars start again
the tongs decide to go to war against an outlaw tong who doe racketeering
and the bad tong iced a guy and wants them to pay tribute on their goods to work there
oh like union dues
ed don't wanna go to war as those ways are behind em
he wants to negotiate 1st b4 icing em
also are bodyguards from new Sodom (new York) to protect em
but eddy g is like Kenshiro from fist of the north star and is too bada55 to need em
later eddy g kisses toya in public and shes stunned by that public love
so what?
just make out in public
no shame in being in love
be proud of it
straight pride!! lol
later toya finds an old bf as a body guard
they flirt
his name s harry
like the brittish prince who was naked with all those chicks
so negotiations don't work and the union I mean tong wont bend
so eddy g has to go to new York to take care of it
and e brings a bodyguard
at da docks they find some chineses guys tying up a guy and throwing him in da water
so eddy g is gonna go wack a guy in sacremento
back home harry flirts with toya
they eventually start doing stuff
it don't show it but I think theyre b0ning
so in sacremento the union boss or w/e don't consent to the tongs deciding to not work with him
eddy g; if u keep ur head, u shall go far
then we cut to a paper saying the crime boss was iced with a hatchet
Edward g robinson plays a guy who b0nes girls who he raised and goes around killing people with an axe
hes the good guy
this is like something go nagai would do
like violence jack or dororon enma kun or hanappe bazooka
so eddy g returns home but finds empty booze bottles
meanwhile, toya and harry are making out
and eddy g walks in
in the real version I think they were b0ning
harry tries to get her to go to new York with him
but eddy jumps in
he' gonna chop his a55 up!
nah he shows a Buddha statue and makes him kneel
hes about to waste him but toya defends him like in Pocahontas
she sez she loves harry and he lets em go together
he makes harry make an oath to be good and if he breaks it, Buddha is gonna ice him
nowadays they'd make him look like the bad guy for this
later eddy g gets shunned by the tong he did so much for because his woman left him
wtf man
they also send his a coffin for his wifes butt buddy as a sign of shame
yeah killing people and b0ning your kids is ok
but her getting seduced and not wacking the guy who did it is unforgiveable
later eddy g is working as a farm hand and his ex maid brings him a letter from toya
shes been taken to CHY NUH and is into the drug business by her new man harry
so harry goes there after unpawning his hatchet
shouldn't he have a lot of cash saved up from years of tong work?
so he finds the place his daughter/wife is at is a crackhouse I mean opium house and has girls as h00kers
holy law and order svu batman
theres nothing holy about it robin
later harry is coming off a high and senses the hatchet
toya helps him and when he comes out eddy g nearly chopps him
but toya stops him and faints
it wasn't toya helping him
he think he was just drug seeing it
eddy g forgives her and they reconcile
the wh-re house master chick wont let his woman go
but eddy reveals shes his wife
she calls him a thief and calls him a liar
but he reveals hes a hatchet man
she don't buy it so he throws his axe accurately at da wall
hey book it
when the wh-re master b--ches at the harry for selling him a hatchet man wife he sez nothing
as a guy pulls out the wall axe he fals over where the axe blade behind his head
she screams
Buddha quote
the end
that was pretty cool
all the asians were played by whites in make up as there wernt really any high rank enough Asian stars in ameraica
esp after sessue hayakawa left
nowadays the malcontents would go mental over this film
normally 30s films don't have drugs, cheating, and killers as heroes
but this is early 30s b4 the hayes code came in full effect
kinda like Splatterhouse 2 on sega b4 the ESRB
but this was well made, well acted and well shot
its only like 75 mins
it doesn't show direct violence or b0ning, just references it later
and directed by William A wellman who also did
Wings(I hated the hero in dat)
Beggers of life(wanna see)
Public enemy (not the johnny depp one)
Call of the wild(focusing on clark gable instead of the dog(like transformers focusing on cr-ppy humans instead of bada66 robots))
a star is born (30s ver I never saw)
Nothing Sacred(sounds like a p0rn0)
The Ox Bow Incident(that was really good)
and Blood Alley(sounds like AIDS!!)
but this film was good
watch it when you can
for the hatchet man 2 I want harry to have been revealed to be alive after getting chopped in the back of the head with an axe and a vegetable. his inner mind cried out for revenge (even though hes the bad guy) and Buddhist daemons replied and gave him daemon powers and took over his body. he then goes on a journey through 1930s china to find ancient pyramids to find demon power artifacts to boost his demon power to beat eddy g (as eddy g is super human from years of training). its also a sega genesis, super Nintendo and Gameboy advance fighting game where you play as the harry demon guy and fight other demons to absorb them and their powers to fight eddy g. its like power athlete/deadly moves/power moves how your stats go up if you win. but it plays better. also theres a free mode where you can play as these dinosaur based demons or eddy g to beat the game.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

It Came From Outer Space Review

note; my spelling is as good as some countries on urth
it came from outer space
this is my review for it came from outer space
it starts with a meteor hitting and blows into a fireball title
this same species couple has a smoke pipe and a drink and talk about cr-p by da fire
I think they married
they look like theyre gonna b0ne but walk outside
this is da 50s
she talks of their signs (shes sagitarrious) and they almost kiss
just b0ne already!
but instead they look in a telescope
they almost kiss again but a meteor fro the opening comes down and blows
they used that shot 2x in 5 mins
it hit near a mine
also its a space ship with demons or w/e in it
we sorta see 1 but not well
it goes out and the animals sense its ki and flee
later the same species couple goes up in an autogyro like in mad max to check it out
wait I think its a chopper
it has no roof and no seatbelts
if u bump up u get chopped by da blades
at the site the pilot goes into the smoking crater and finds da ship
wait, its not da pilot its the husband
the ship closes and the area around it crumbles and covers it
all these rocks getting sucked in
but he gets out safe
he tells the gang but they don't buy it
more guys come but they too don't buy it
tell the weekly world news
later while driving they see a giant eye thing
but it vanishes
reminds me of yubel fro Yugioh gx season 3
tey stop to see it  but cant find it
it reminds me of a ninja gaiden boss
so they leave
the thing leaves a trail of glitter
later the paper reports his story in the sand rock paper
sand rock?
like quatre's Gundam in Gundam wing?
at the site later the scientist sez it was jest a metero
oh and the main guy;s name is johnny
like in the room with tommy Wiseau
main guy don't buy it and still sticks to his truth
this cowboy tells johnny his possibly future wife is missing her school teaching today
also cowboy worked for the womans dad as deputy
the press asks the woman but the main guy keeps em away
the woman sez she wishes they "found 1 little monster to toos into the principals bedroom"
I think that happened in la blue girl and devil hunter Yohko
they drive away and stop at the tree they saw the eye at last night
he talks about how deadly the desert is with heat cold and lizards
what is this? dante's inferno?
needs a river of human waste
like in brazil at the Olympics where the bay was full of raw sewage
later they see a telephone line repair guy and he sez they heard a weird noise on the lines
1 worker sez after 15 years of desert work he's seen weird cr-p
black ghostbuster; i';ve seen sh-t that''ll turn you white!
later the phone guys see the floating eye thing and it gets em
it looks like an Invid from Robotech season 3
later the same species couple come by the phone guys truck
and theres blood on it
a guy sneaks up behind em and grabs the girls shoulder
also is one of the phone guys and hes got a monotone voice
they sucked out his soul!!
he looks at the sun and sez its beautifl
the same species couple leaves him as hes weird
but not like tommy Wiseau\
later the other phone guy wakes up and the original phone guy wakes up
the alien copied them like with miyuki in shutendoji getting copied by the big oni
but less tongue and naked chick wrapping
also the alien also copied the other phone guy
the same species couple brings cowboy I think to the place they just were but the truck is gone
as is all evidence of the guys
but theres some blood there
but cowboy don't buy it
at town he sees the phone guys but they disappear
but he finds em
they say to stay back and give em time
and their friends are alive
also he pulls a gun on the aliens
in the 50s it was ok to carry a firearm in ur pocket
today everyones so gunphobic they might as well be England
later some prospectors are by the mine and one bringing food gets got by the alien
as do the other 2
later the same species couple listens to the radio mock the main guy
a kid dressed as a space man summons em and they go to the station
at the sherrifs cowboy place the phone guys wives say they came by, acted weird and sed they be out on a work over night
main guy tells cowboy that the phone guys they saw were fakes
main guy comes up with possible reasons the fakes might be doing cr-p
taking electrical cr-p for making something
also the scientist and his assistant went gone
at the crator they talk about who can be a fake
what is this? the thing?!
meanwhile as the woman drives she meets the phone guy who gets in her car and has her take him to da mine
main guy gets a phone call and goes out
later he sees his woman and goes after her
he follows a voice to the mine
they say they wanna leave da urth and need help
he don't trust em but they say they good
he really wants to see em but they say no
then they come out
it looks kinda like something from tales from the cryptkeeper
he freaks out and later goes back
he talks to cowboy who wants to go contra on em
cowboy kills a spider for no reason and main guy sez that's proof he kills what he fears and don't get
so the aliens don't trust em
later main guy goes to this place and theres glitter on the floor
and all the clothes are gone
then the glitter goes
I forgot to say this is based on a story by ray Bradbury
its directed by jack Arnold who did Girls in the Night (1953) (sounds like a p0rn0)
Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)
Revenge of the Creature (1955)
Tarantula (1955)
The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957)
The Tattered Dress (1957) (another p0rn0)
The Lady Takes a Flyer (1958) (p0rn0?)
High School Confidential (1958) (teen p0rn0e)
The Space Children (1958) (alien pregnancy p0rn0?)
and Monster on the Campus (la blue girl? Urotsukidoji?)
later main guy fights with cowboy over fearing the Invid guys might be taking over
main guy jacks cowboys car and the cowboy gets a mob together
the mob opens fire on the truck with the fake phone guy
main guy goes in da cave I mean mine and finds his woman(but its a fake)
she nearly gets him iced in falling in a pit
cuz she cant trust him
she zaps a beam at him and misses each shot
he caps her and she falls in da pit
he goes in deeper and finds the fake people with the engine of the space thing
they are gonna nuke da ship and go out rather than get iced by a mob
I think
but main guy talks em into letting the captured people go
they go through the mine and why is there a deep pit to a river in a mine?
they get out and use dynamite to blow the entrance to da mine
the cowboy thinks the dynamite iced em but the space thing poops outta the earth and into space
main guy sez they gon be back and the film ends with credits showing who did what like in spaceballs
the end
that was pretty good
I hear its a thing against anti commie movies
but I think it can apply to any group feared
like with the x men
good 50s sci fi
fort it came from outer space 2 I want the town to become a sight for alien nuts and they keep waiting for aliens to come again. the story is basically a sci fi con where these geeks come over to celebrate aliens and other sci fi and supernatural stuff. and its just a collection of anecdotes of people encountering cryptids and daemons and other cr-p. its also a mini game collection on sega genesis, super Nintendo and atari jaguar like action 52 with each game being another interview with a guy about his encounter with weird cr-p

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

The Godfather Review

note; no seen yor! no italiano! see seen yor! el... I TA LI A NO!!
the god father
this is my review on thre godfather
i'm not sure which god its about
maybe one of the mexico demon gods
as its about a mexico cartel or something
so it starts with this guy who looks like my dad but more italiano telling about his daughter
some guys tried to b0ne her and she didn't consent
so they beat the black off her
he told this to fata55 marlon brando (who was in a p0rn0)
fata55 sez this italiano wasn't too big on hanging with him
oh and this italiano wants them to suffer and get iced by fata55
we never hear the other side of the storyu so I'm not sure how accurate it is
she could've been turned down by him and busted herself to get sympathy
fata55 goes on about respect or something
this italiano sucks up to him and fata55 sez he's gonna do it
but wants something i return
also its fata55's daughters weeding
the italianoes there dance around and it looks kinda Yiddish to me
1 italano seez the bride with cash in her purse and sez if it were someone elses wedding...
that's awful
1 italiano spits on a cop badge and busts a guys camera
makes me glad I'm Slovenian
apparently fata55 cant reject any requests on his daughters wedding day
better than deviantart requests
asking expansion images of anime chicks
1 guy aint on da list but wants to see him
al pachino shows his gf his adopted bro or w/e whos an advisor to the fam
these italianoes sing but its in italiano w/o subtitles
this italiabno singer who i think is based on frank Sinatra is there
fata55 helped his career
not Sinatra was freed from his contract by the not on list italiano holding a gun to the guys head
that's awful
like how cnn was gonna out this guy for making a gif of trump wrestling a cnn logo
Sinatra was kind of a d-ck anyway
later fata55 beats up a guy for being sad and sez he's gonna do the gun to head thing for another guy
later fata55 sez to never tell the daughters husband about their business
later 1 guy goes to new Sodom ( California ) and visits a movie thing
he tells a director to give not Sinatra a part in a war film
and offers to fix union issues as well as something about a big star going from chronic to heroin
the director turns him down
later director talks about his big black horse
later director sez not Sinatra ruined a girl he was helping
so he don't wanna help him
later director wakes up in bed and his horses head is there
there was a time people were shocked by this
not anymore
they try to make the director look bad for not helping someone awful
btw; animal abuse?
try that in modern film with a good guy
later fata55 is offered a deal in drugs
but fata55 turns it down cuz drugs r bad
irl i hear they big on drugs
btw nowadays the drug dealers would be the heroes and the cops the bad guys
later its Christmas
the uninvited guy joins a rival family gang
then guys garroted dead
then the advisor is abducted by 2 guys
fata55 buys some fruit but the abductors i think empty 2 guns into him
see you in h-ll de niro
oops, wrong movie
al pachino sees a paper saying fata55 got capped
he then throws the paper on da street w/o paying for it and runs to a phone
pachinos older bro gets word from a minion that fata55 was hit 3-4x and is alive
bullsh-t! they emptied their guns into him at close range
the abductors say to the advisor to make peace between the families
and that fata55 bit it
later abductor sez fata55 was hit 5x and lives
50 cent had loike 9 bullets in him and lived
the other crime families wanna avoid a gang war so they'd side with the abductors
then they get word the uninvited guy got iced
also its apparently 1946
tat explains the Ingrid bergman
later while being driven some where, a guy stops to whiz and had the driver iced
so fata55 brando is gonna make it
we get a lesson on italiano sause
pachino goes see his gf for dinner
later he goes to some building but its empty
he opens the door and finds a big black guy b0ning his gf
wait that's 8 mile
he finds his dad in a room and all guards are gone
he callas someone and has the nurse and him move fata55 brando to another room
imagine if this happened in my 600lb life?
he'd get stuck in da door
pachino meets a guy coming in and sez for him to go out
man, brando looks like an intalino version of my grampa and uncle on dat bed
outside pachino and the guy (a baker) fake having guns and scare off the assassins
then da cops come and a big cop sez he took the guards off fata55
and he slugs pachno
then the fam comes in with hired guards to protect brando's fat a55
later the fam had a guy from the other fam wacked
the cop is working for another fam and they cant ice him
theres gonna be a meeting with the fams the druggie and they want pachoino
pachino wants to sneak a firearm in the place an ice both da cop and druggie
then use his media liers to call da cop a druggie and crook
so thats why the media is bad
the big bros train him to and plan on how to do it
on the way there pachino gets frisked
what if he hid a mustard gas capsule in his stomach or in his a55?
at the restaurant the guy speaks italiano to pachino but theres no subs
there were subs b4
speak English mexico!
pachino wants the guy to stop trying to ice brando's fat a55
he sez he cant and when pachino tries to go to the toilet, the guy grabs pachino's crotch
back in the 70s holly wood was into dat
he goes into the mens room and finds a firearm
then returns and the guys sez italiano to him
then he wastes the guys and books it
that restaurant is ruined now
we get a montage of papers saying what da cops did to try to catch the killer
and the cop having drug connections
and a montage of people iced
and fata55 brando returns home
btw when he capped the guy at dinner, red dust flew outta his head
his blood is sand
wonder what he pees
and brando returns to live with his fam
that was an ok movie
entertaining but not the best
just roll the credits and i'll write a sequel
so the bro in charge of the crime wants to ice the abductor fam guy
and with the gang war they aint getting cash
we get a flashback to Greece or w/e they from and the people speaking italiano with subtitles
wait, i think its now
pavhino walks through this dragonball/fist of the north star style land
theres also bible looking buildings and one poster of a commie flag
they check out some italiano chicks and when they tell a big italiano about 1 he freaks out
pichini sez sorry and hes hiding in there from America
and he wants to marry his daughter
what about his Americano gf?
he gives her an itam
she sez gratzy
he sez; preggo
i assume its a charm that magically turns her pregnant
later the daughter of fata55 i think gort beat up by her husband
we don't get the whole story
maybe she threw the 1st punch
later on a bright day with many witnesses the bro in charge violently assaults the husband and sez he's gonna ice him if he does anything against the sister
so she can attack him but he cant fight back?
but if he does anything her bro will ice him?
2 wrongs are meant to make a right here?
mixed message
later pachinoe marrys the chick
later in the day they are gonna b0ne
once i spike tv it had "the godfather, uncut" "every scene, the way its meant to be seen"
and they blurred out the girls nips
here they cut the scenes with her nips
this is amc
back in America, pachinos gf wants to send him a letter
but the advisor wont as if he does the courts will know he knows where pachino is
later the daughter/sister weding girl starts freaking out and busting stuff
crazy b--ch!
he takes a bet to her as shes nuts and she tries to knife him
so he outmaneuvers her and whips her
what a crazy b--ch!
so her bro goes out to kill the husband and father of her next child(i hope) but gets shredded by gunfire
he was a d-ck!
btw the other guy who pacheeno shot was the druggie
fata55brando comes down and has a meeting set up to end da war
he also has a guy patch up his shredded sons remains
he acts sad cuz his kid bit it
now he knows how the fams of all those people he iced feels
later pachinou is teaching his woman how to drive and a guy comes in to move pachonou
later pacheeno wants to move his woman to her dads place
but she drives and the car blows apart
freekin woman drivers
btw fata55 brando got the Oscar for best actor in this
i never found him to be so great
hes just not that impressive
he turned down his Oscar for some commie thing or w/e
at least he didn't get it
he's not even in most of the film
later fata55 brandi meets the fams and gives a speech why drugs r bad
1 guy sez he wants drugs but not near schools
fata55brando sez hes ok with his older son biting it but if 1 of the men there has piciho iced then he's not gonna be ok with it
later he sez its brazini (bra + bikini?) who was behind everything
later pacheedo reunites with his 1st gf
does she know of his marriage?
hes working for brando's a55 now and sez hes like a prez ot senator
gf sez they dont ice men
pachiino sez they do
spoiler; r fk and j fk had marilin monrow iced
later pachinoh is made the new headmaster
he has the advisor sent to las vagess as a lawyer
later pachino goes to vegas and theres all these 5kanks there
so he kicks em out
don't wanna get aids
pacheenou wants to buy out a casino but the owner don't consent
also the owner had to beat up pachinos bro when he was b0ning waitresses
pachino goes mental and when his bro trys to calm him down pah chee noh orders him around against taking sides against da fam
later puh chee nou is with his gf and they have a kid
when did they make him?
someone wants him to be godfather to their kid
kim kardashians godfather was o j simpson
brando sez to pachino he didn't want pachino to be like him
later brando is with his grandson and plays with him
reminds me of my dads dad a bit
even dressed like him
but hes Slovenian
then brando bites it
see you in h-ll de niro
later theres gonna be a meeting with the fams
b4 it pachno goes to a baptis for the god kid
its in italiano or something with no sub
then 1 by one the crime ams guys get picked off
and i think so does the casino owner
pachino gets word and him ad his woman go elsewhere after the baptism
later pachino meets with his sisters husband accusing him of giving info to the other fams
he don't ice him cuz he and pachinos sister are pachinos godsons rents
he kicks him outta da fam business
in the car the husband is garroted
what a d-ck
he kills his nephews dad
kids need a dad
later the sister comes in amd is p-ssed at pachino for icing her husband
he has her taken away
pachinos woman asks if its true but he lies
the end
that wasn't bad
went on for like 4 hours but it didn't feel draggy
better than fransis ford coppolas bram stokers Dracula
here theres not even much b0ning
i wouldn't say its the best or anything
but its good
long enough to be 2 films though
srsly if it ended halfway through it would be a good movie
for the godfather 2 i want for them to face the amish mafia and they have magic. also they have the ability to negate technology like cars and guns so the italianoes have to resort to blades. but the amish have help from the sister of pachino as revenge for pachino icing her husband. also her kid is taught amish magic and has a blade made of ki that can slice through people in a few hits. its also a 16 bit platformer on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Gameboy advance like strider where you play as the kid and slice through italianoes with a ki blade. theres also 3 other amish guys to play as and its up to 4 players multiplayer where you wor your way up to taking out pachino who is powered up by the souls of those he had iced

Sunday, December 3, 2017

A Christmas Carol Review

note; merry bad smepplibng
a Christmas carol
this is my review on a christmN CARPK (1951 ver)
its got alister sim and is said 2 b da best one
it starts with credits in a book
ive seen this told hundreds of ways so I know it by hart
Vincent proce did a 20 min ver which made me realise its a horror movie
so scrooge ias a d-ck to everyone
and his homie Jacob marley bit it years ago
some guys ask scrooge for cash for da poors
he sez they better off in prison
well, nowadays prisons in Canada are cushy where the murderers and druggies get more rights than their victims
scrooge sez if they bite it, its good to dexcrease the surplus population
spoiler; overpopulation is a myth
I'm srs
u can fit the whole population of earth in texas with ample space for everyone
scrooges nephew comes by and sez merry xmas
but hes a d-ck to him
he hates chriatmas?
is he a liberal who finds it "offensive"somehow?
we get a scene of timy tim being happy
btw this is writ by Charles dickens
tims dad bob crotch it asks scrooge for something
he gives it and bob is a real kissa55 to him\
nowadays he'd be malcontent and trying to f over his boss who gave him a job
maybe even start a union
but back then people were thankful
at home scrooge senses something and sees Jacob Marley's image and hears his voice
wtf this IS a horror movie
marley came back from h-ll for scrooge!
at least its not that druggie bob marley
if my kid did drugs, i'd feed him to bugs!
BOB cratchet and jacob MARLRY?!
he ripped off this film!\
so marleys ghost comes to see scroogre
scrooge don't believew it and thinks its not real
but marley screams like a demon and scrooge believes not
so marley has to wear demon chains he made in his life by being a d-ck
and he must suffer forever
marley sez scrooge is gonna be visited by 3 time demons
he don't call em da, but they are
they marley goes back to h-ll or w/e
1st he shpos scrooge h-ll ad all these suffering people
what a good Christmas movie
a dantes inferno Christmas
later scrooge wakes up... IN BED
thrn this chick come to him
this is getting x rated
wtf its a dude?!
didn't think scrooge was that way
its the ghost of xmas past
they fly out a window like in Urotsukidoji with megumi and takeaki
he shows scrooge his childhood
he didn't have many friends
hes like me
my grade school was full of d-cks
but scrooge has a gf
its pan from dbgt
her name is fan
its his sistet
scrooges mom bit it pooping out scrooge and dad blamed scrooge
and his sister bit it pooping out his nephew
no wonder scrooge is so p-ssed off
later they see scrooge at a party with his old boss fezzywig
that sounds like a p0rn0 name
 and scrooige had a gf
good thing its not pan rom dbgt
shes mine!!!
then they show his sister biting it
like; ran fan from dragonball?\
scrooge is disgruntled by seeing his dark past
its like with the 3 emperors from Yugioh 5Ds how his lifes dispaires became aporias 3 elements
so scrooge ditches fezzywigs and works for a guy with marley
later his new boss bites it and he restructures
he has a guy get a paycut and the guy is grateful to be employed
he sees fezzyewig but cant go to him as he knows hes a d-ck now
later his gf dumps him as scrooge is changed after his sister bit it and hes got a negative view
whatcha expect?!
everyone he loved left and he was hurting
nowadays hed be into drugs
later at the board of directors of companies, someones been swiping cash
scrooge and marley pay the missing cash from their own pockets
but get 51% of the company
sounds fair
its their cash theyre spending
and w/o em the company goes dowm
later marley is biting it and its scrooges lasty chance to see him
scrooge turns it down cuz its not quittin time
theres still work to be done
but he an come in 2 hours
also cratchit wants Christmas off\
like every year he asks
scrooge goes to see marlrey and hes still alive
marley tries to warn scrooge about something but bites it
past ghost sez marlry worked with scrooge for 18 years but scrooge took all his cr-p after marlry bit it
then scrooge wakes up...IN BED and hears the 2nd tme demon
its a big king looking guy
scrooge sez go leave him but ghost 2 takes him to see Christmas present
1st they see the cratchit house
theyre having a happy wholesome Christmas
nowadays it would be bummer and malcontent
oh and if the future dont change, tiny tim might bit it
scrooge don't want that
but ghost quotes scrooges words on surplus population
bob sez thanks for scrooge but the fam whines as they think hes a d-ck
bt bob is thankful for him letting him have a job
ten they see the nephew at a Christmas party
then he seez his ex gf helping da poors
had she married scrooge, the poors might not have had help
but then scrooge would have had help and turned good and helped people
scrooge don't think he can change but ghost shows him 2 poor kids in his cloak
ignorance and want
what is this?
the smurfs?
greedy, angry, vanity, hungry, lazy...
those are the 7 deadly sins
is there a lusty smurf?
maybe in the European version
the 3rd ghost meets him and we dont see his face
the cratchits are bummed after tiny timmy bit it
then we see some nasty cockney brits
btw this movie is in fullscreen
and b/w but theres a colored version
the cockney brits are taking items from someone who just bit it
then some fruity guys say the guy who bit it left his cash to is company
scrooge knows em
and notices in the future hes not at work
oh gee! I wonder who it is who bit it?
the ghost (not the Yugioh 5ds robot) shows him the guy who bit it was scrooge
scrooge wants to change the future like in final fantasy legend 3, sonic 06 and dbz
he begs for repentance and wakes up
in the Disney version scrooge mcduck went to h-ll and there was fire and cr-p
he asks his maid/slave wat dae it iz
she wez; y too dae? itz Christmas dae
hes surprised the future hasn't happened yet and all his stuff is still there
hes all giddy and cheerful and now loves Christmas
 he dances around chipper and the maid/slve freaks out
I think she thinks hes gonna b0ne her
hes nice to her and boosts her pay 5x
and gives her cash to buy cr-p
alister sims does a good job being happy
he has a boy buy a turkey 2x the size of tiny tim
makes me think about eating tiny tim
once at Christmas at my fams we had a big a55 turkey and I said its as big as a midget
looking back it was bigger
we could've ate a whole midget
in most versions I saw of this story it didn't have the ignorance and want scene
scrooge reconciles with his nephew nd nephews gf
then they dance
at work cratchet comes ibn a bit late and scrooge acts stern
but springs a raise on him
the narrator sez scrooge became a great guy and everyone loved him
esp tiny tim
oh and he got timy tims crippled leg fixed
the end
that was grand
nice and fun but with some horror
nowadays they'd f it up and make scrooge the bad guy and the cratchets victims
this is wholesome, clean, positive and leaves you with a good feeling
too bad Jacob marley stays in h-ll.
he saved scrooge and by extension tiny tim
but gets no reward
and its been ripped off by every show pretty much for a quick xmas special
for a Christmas carol 2 I want scrooge and a now teenage tiny tim to be demon hunters and fighting haunted places as they have experiences with the supernatural. no. instead I want scrooge and tiny tim to go to h-ll to save Jacob marley from an eternity of suffering. they fight through historical figures from the 1700s and the bosses are ex kings of England as they were really demons in human flesh and returned home after biting it. its also a 16 bit sega genesis, super Nintendo and Gameboy advance game where 1 player is scrooge and one is tiny tim as a big buff teen (scrooge is in holy armor) and they fight through h-ll in a beat em up.

Monday, November 27, 2017

Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here Review

note; I know little of tis film. but my mom likes it so imma do it 4 her. homie
Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here
this is my review on Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here
its directed by a commie who was blacklisted for communism
Abraham polonsky
it starts with text read about how in 1909 some crazy cr-p happened in California
its really widescreen
its got Robert redford and Robert blake
so this guy goes through Africa or California wastelands or w/e
ohh its base on a book
the guy walking talks with a horse and buggy guy
the guy is willie boy
I call him wb
he gets a lift to a reservation
I think wb was b0ning a chick and left when her husband came home
what is this? jerry springer?
needs more crossdressers
a moustache mAN comnes by and sez he'd cap wb
I think its the husband
1 blonde guy sells people whisky he stole
I think the other people in the reserve are having a cockfight
but it cant show it
so wb has some whiskey
the reserve head chick has a cop I think deal with the whiskey sellers
the cop (sheriff) beats the blonde guy up and runs him outta town
so theres a parade with prez taft coming
1 guy goes on a tirade about big gov taking his stuff cuz hes white and male
just wait til the 2000s\
1 guy playing pool makes a comment to wb about the reservation and wb assaults him with a pool stick
that was unneeded escalation
he said words I hate so I beat him up
I'm not saying its ok to insult people
but to attack em for it?
not right
wb runs and the pool guy wants justice for the assault
wb talks to a guy named Charlie (hopefully not sheen)
later sheriff (I think its redford) trys b0ning the head of the reserve
later wb makes out with this tanned chick
after b0ning her, sheriff redford wants the head of the reserve to give it up
the head whines about redfords dad killing Indians
also the head is kinda brittish
she mouths off to him about him being violent and it gets em to b0ne again
after b0ning the tanned chick, they talk about how her dad don't want wb
a guy interrupts their b0ning and wb caps him\
Its her dad
they run away
the next day redford and his homies are sent after wb
the head (who reminds me of a more brittish dr Quinn) sez wb b0ning her and icing her dad and running away is marriage by capture
part of their heritage
what is this? violence jack??
needs more hermaphrodites
later wb ties up the tanned chick and she sez shes gonna yell for help
so he frees her and they run together
the group after em calculate where they are headed
wb sees smoke and finds those after hoim haven't caught on to where they headed
the group decides to wait til after dark
1 guy recalls a mission he did with redfords dad
at night wb talks with tanned chick
he has her remove her shoes an walk around the group with him
1 group member hears something and opens fire
its a dingo or something
so redford finishes it
Charlie I think sticks up for wb saying he didn't have a gun and they could've capped the girl
the next day wb and his girl run off
redford sez they aint gonna catch wb unless he wants 2 b caught
wb and his chick get water in a pond or w/e and soak in it
she sez she wanted to get married in a church in a white dress
shouldn't've been b0ning that guy then
wb sez once e got drunk and was in jail for 30 days
then talks about how awful it was for him
mabe you shouldn't've got drunk then
wb wants to ice those after him
she tries to talk him outta it
also they keep talking about whiteness
so what if they're white?
so what if you aint?
the group finds their trail and Charlie wants em to give wb a chance to surrender
wb thinks they paid charlei  was paid to get him
so he goes j fk and picks a buncha em off
1 guy is sent for reinforcements
at town they wanna keep da prez taft safe
also the head talks with redford and he wants to b0ne her
while talking with some people she finds redford in her room
she goes back but gets p-ssed at a guy questioning the wb incident
then she goes back to redford and they slowly undress
but she has some kinda freak out and he leaves
later she tells redford her b--ching about wb didn't help
and people are talking of wb having hundreds of indian homies trying to take over
if ur Canadian or lived in soviet canada you may recall louie riel, a malcontent who tried to set up a zone just for his race in the 1800s
he iced some people and was executed for his crimes
but somehow became a Canadian hero
what next? manson jr high?
meanwhile people wanna erase the history of people who built this country
its like saying lincon was evil but john wilkes booth was a hero
later wb finds a tent and it has a hidden gun and cash in it
w goes off to some place for horses at night
back then they could execute u for jackin horses
now if someone steals from you and you stop em, YOU get charged
redford hears a dog and goes out and wb nearly caps him
later wb returns to the tent place and his girl is gone
he finds her hiding and she sed if she stays hes gonna bite it
he gets p-ssed and tells her to go bring the group to him
but she returns and they b0an
the next day the group finds wbs trax and goes after him
redford goes in but has a nipper covering him
we hear gunshots
then it has the tanned chick iced with 1 bulet hole in her
she might've iced herself
redford goes after wb
the head checks the tanned chicks bod
redford sets up a fake human (jinzo ningen) on a string and moves it with a rope to draw wb's fire
then gets to the pond and drinks
he notices a handprint and puts his in it
I assume he got powers from it
he gets behind wb and they draw
but redford caps wb
then carries him out of the rock place they fought
he gives him to some guys and redford cleans his hands with dust
he sez he gave wb a chance but wb had no bullets
wb is burned and a guy rom da group wanted some evidence
redford sez they all outta souvenirs and the camera pans to the burning smoke
the end
that was pretty good
even though the director was a commie he still made a good film
this was well made and had good work done in it
good scenes, camera work and acting
I like films based on books and true storys and this one as well done
for Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here 2 i'd like for it to be the 30s and people are bummed by the cr-ppy economy. some guys use willy boy as a symbol of rebellion and California leaves the union after enough people vote on it. it then goes communist and they start executing people based on fear of them being capitalists. then its 20 ears later and california is a slum of poors and disease and raiders attack Arizona until arizona cant take it and fight back, starting an international incident and theres a war between the soviet republic of california and Arizona (who has the backing of texas). the californias don't have guns or real skills and the arizonas are bada55 cowboy dudes. its also an 8 bit Gameboy/NES/Game Gear/Master System game where you play as either a bada55 Arizona fighting hordes of rotting California commies or a candya5 California commie sending waves of his own men to fight the superior arizonas