Thursday, December 21, 2017

Pete's Dragon Review

note; spelling right? I alrayds do dat
petes dragon
this is my review on petes dragon(da 70z 1)
ooh its got red buttons and shelly winters
and Charlie callas
I only know him from da simpsons
If I saw this b4 I don't recall it
I assume its based on a true story like most Disney things
holy cr-p don bluth did the animation
and john pomeroy and gary goldman
they did all the good 80s animated movies
now I'm interested
so it starts with a kid floating and a guy looking for him
is this dbz?
hes talking to an invisible creature
then some inbred looking guys come after him comically
they look like cavemen
is this wrong turn 1-6?
they sing about wanting da kid
and how they gon treat him good
then sing about how they gonna ice him
among the things mentioned are beating and eating him and sawing him in half
then the invisible monster starts beating around the inbred guys and they fall in a pit of cr-p
these inbred guys are really exaggerated
its like a modern silent film
the inbred gang say they blew teir last 50$ on him and cant buy another
boy for sale!
boy for sale!
the next day the invisible monster is revealed to be a big green dragon
it looks really don bluth
the kid feeds him apples
they sing a song about belonging together
its a mix of live action and cartoon
I gotta say it does look quite good
its a bit off at times but fits well
btw the dragon sometimes hides in trees
I question dat
then again it flies on little pink wings
they come to a new place and the dtagon turns him self invisible a part at a time and back before going full
in town the animals sense the dragon
good use of effects showing his effects
along the way he and dragon accidentally f's with a b--chy teacher
after f ing with the town they form a mob like in Frankenstein and go after his a55
but the kid/dragon escape
btw that dragon is pretty tubby
reminds me of eve from dragons lair 2
the town drunk sees the dragon and runs off to tell the bar in song
he sez its fire breathing but he didn't see it blast
good f it shows a close up of a horse doing that mouth thing
you know, where they lift the lips and show horse teeth
its like a brittish thing
man this bar musical cr-p just goes on
then they start running on barrels like in sonic
then the barrels burst and spray em with foamy j-zz
so da drunk's daughter takes him home and he tells a clearer image of what happened
so later the kid an dragon are in a cave and the dragon trys to play tic tac toe on his body with a burned stick
they try having a sad moment
then a chick find him and brings him up
turns ouit the rednex were beating him
in the real version they might';ve been b0ning him
she tells her backstory but I wasn't really listening
he sings to describe the dragon
a next day the drunk finds him and recognizes him
the girl is his daughter
he freaks out
he wants to bring da dragon 2 da bar to prove hes not full of cr-p
holy cr-p we're 40 mins in
dat felt like nothing
then dr red buttons comes in on a cr-pmobile and f's da town
the town remembers him and run him out for phony remedies
wait, re buttons is the assistant
the dr sings about his cr-p and keeps screwing up the towns weird a55 name
this movie has good color
better than most digital cr-p today
he uses his cr-ppy potions to heal a ladys ears
oh it was red buttomns
then red plays a rabbi who's legs are healed by his juice
this wins the mob over from lynching him to buying his fluids
its probably fluid from his popped boils
that went on for like 10 mins
meanwhile the daughter thinks the dragon is make believe
oh amd the daughters bf went out to sea a year ago
and she lives in a light house
that night she sings a song
milky p-ss! its just 1 song after another
she sings about light and hope like a Yugioh zexal song
back in the cave the dragon is cooking his a55 on a campfire when the kid finds him
kid wants the dragon to find her bf
he gives he dragon a kiss
ok this movie is good
at the bar the dr sells more boiled p-ss in bottles and sez he sold his horses to settle a malpractice suit
drunk comes in and talks to dr
dr; why do u think they call me doc? cuz they sail their boats into me?
me; I imagined them driving a boat up his a55 because of that
drunk sez theres a dragon but they don't buy it
but red buttons wants to see it
they get drunk(for the drunk he gets drunker) and go to see da dragon
good f this is an hour in
the dragon is sleeping but wakes up and hears drunk talking about how awful he things a dragon is
they see da dragon and freak out but he thinks its his shadow that's another dragon
they offer da dragon booze and half a flask makes it blast flame
they run home
red tells dr about it but he don't buy it
da next day the daughter makes the kid go to school
also all the fish in the area are gone
the fishermen blame da kid
in the seventh sign near the end of the world, everything in the ocean bites it
its a sign
btw this is set in like the 1900s
like fiddler on the roof
then we get yet another song
this ones about accepting nature
I say nuke the ocean and bugs
especially the dogs
send em all to French canada and nuke it
the director also did 1 million years bc and Jason and the Argonauts
at school the dragon rings the bell but the teacher blames the kid and whips him like a slave
nah she just beats his hands
shes gonna whip his a55 with a ruler but the dragon busts in
kid makes him leave b4 he b0nes the teacher inside out
and dr hears and wants to chop up the dragon to make cures
I thought he just sold cr-p
then the sing about chopping him up
for several minutes
the dr and red go to see kid about buying da dragon
but book it after hearing hes invisible
the drunk sez the dragon and kid an stay
then another song
later the kid is fishing and the inbreeders return
afte a crazy son they make a pact with the dr to get the dragon
later the daughter gives up on thinking her bf is alive and trys to get the kid to not believe in da dragon
later the dr lures the kid out saying the dragon is f ing up da town
and at da same time the bf returns in a storm on boat
when kid gets to where dr took him, the inbreeders catch him
but dr wants to use the id as bait to wack the dragon
and to get the dragon there red buttons has to bring it
why not just go to the cave and ice him?
why not get the kid to bring da dragn?
why get the kid and dragon separately?
this is all a55 backwards
red goes to the dragon but it goes bad a55 and goes mental
when the draghon gets there they catch it in a net so its just puppets under cloth
dr lights da harpoon gun and the rednecks catch the kid
but dragoin gets free and saves him
wtf it can use its tail as a tentacle?
mrs redneck holds up the ownership papers of the kid and the drafon cooks em
why hold them up?
why show a dragon?
can it read?
the rednex fall in tar and run off to make more inbred kids
dr fires the harpoon and his leg is caught in da rope and gets hung upsidedown from a building
he asks for da dragons extra hair scales and nails but dragon sez no
why not ask for its p-ss?
then dragon saves some townspeople from a falling power line
then he goes to save the bf's boat after the lighthouse went out
btw the wind is so strong the dragon has trouble flying in it, but the kid can walk around ok
oh and daughter seez him
after trying for a while, he lights the house light with fire
later bf reunites with daughter and sez he lost his memory after being the only survivor of a shipwreck and recently he bumped his head and it returnd
that's like every soap opera combined
the town celebrates the dragon and kid
then for no real reason the dragon has to go back to h-ll or w/e
oh he has to help another kid
we get a sad moment of him saying bye to the dragon forever as somehow he cant find time to visit
what is this? dbz where Goku leaves with uub?
dragon flyz off and everyone runs and we get good ariel camera work
the end
I gotta say
that wasn't so bad
it had a few moments of heart
it didn't drag
and the early don bluth work is pretty nice
I liked it
its kinda cheesy but not so cheesy its awesome
its positive and silly but its not awful
plus nowadays they cant show kids getting beat or kids movies with booze or bars or drunks
wtf happened to America?
it got its a55 candied
for petes dragon 2 I want the dragon to go to help some kid who is a midget and the family dog keeps b0ning him. but the family don't believe him and loves the dog more than him. also they give the dog higher status than the kid and when out for parties where they do chronic, the dog is in charge. and when the dragon gets there its so disturbed by this, it snaps and goes on a rampage busting up the town and flamethrowering dogs. not just the ones that b0ned the kid, but all the dogs that unite to try to take him down. also the dog was letting its dog friends b0ne the midget.

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