Sunday, December 31, 2017

Don't Open the Door! Review

note; spelling bad makes it kooler homie
don't open the door
this is my review on don't open the door (1975)
Its also called Don't Hang Up
I nevr saw it b4 nor heard much of it
wow the film quality is cr-p
its like a bad vhs
so this blonde hag comes in and b--ches at this guy
he looks like david ogden stires from mash
they talk kinda souther
so da hag is gonna out mash to some girl but he smacks her and she goes out
wtf they live in a train
this blonde who looks like a non hag version of the hag is called by the hag
hag sez to come over or something but don't tell anyone she called
btw the audio s-cked in this film
her ex bf comes in and she tell him shes gonna see her grandma who raised her or something
then cr-ppy credits
man, the dolls in the credits scene are all f'd up
1 credit name; oliver h oliver
btw this is widescreen
then its 1962 and this mom gets a phone call
she tells her daughter it was a wrong number
I kinda like the look of this film though
sorta like kiss of the tarantula
later its nighter and a guy is in their place
he almost touches her face and goes to chop up the mom
daughter comes in and finds her
then a hand grabs her mouth
and we cut to daytime
did he b0ne her dead?
the blonde from b4 comes to a house
good music
twangy janky 70s cr-p
inside she finds the hag whos her grandma who tells her to go
she cant understand raspy whispers and this dr tells blonde to not disturb her
also he sedated her
the mash looking guy and the dr and another guy bicker a bit
later after they leave she wanders around looking to see if theres anyone still in the house
in the attic she finds theres red windows
much of this seems to be just people walking around in music w/o words
better than 2001 a space odyssey
btw; get f'd oddessey. I never know how to spell it and its all cr-ppy
so she calls a guy and sez grandma should be in the hospital but the dr wont let her
she later gets a call from someone with a raspy voice telling her to get out
she hangs up on him and looks through pictures and papers
good music
mild, moving and upbeat
she finds a newspaper about her mom and flashes back to seeing her and zooming in 3x
later she has a bubblebath like in cutey honey and reads a magazine in da tub
she falls asleep and its wet
then wakes up to da phone and raspy is on it
she hangs up on him but he calls back
after some more whispering she hangs up his a55 again
btw shes in a towel and we don't see her t-ts
she goes down and meets the dr
after he checks out the grandma she goes to sleep in a pink thing
she wears a lotta pink
while sleeping someone lifts her dress with a stick but she wakes up and hes out
she confronts dr but he denies it
the next day dr almost sends grandma to hospital bt someone else sez its better she bites it at home
blonde goes to a doll place with f'd up dolls run by the 3rd guy from b4
he has a thing of her mom set up that disturbs her and she books it
the doll guy tries to get the mash guy to make the blonde leave town and sez something about the mash guy doing something to the mom
doll guy talks to the fake thing of the mom about how blonde is gonna take back her grandmas things from his place
mash guy tries to buy the house from blonde but she doesn't consent
oh hes a judge
judge I think goes into the basement or the doll place and is beat dead with a hammer
then blonde gets a call from raspy and he sez he loves her
she tells him off and he reveals hes the doll guy
he tells her about how her mom got it
she runs outside and its night and a mature woman is there and asks about her grandma
she goes back inside freaked out and answers da phone
its raspy doll man and reveals he saw her\
I gotta say its hard to get what raspy is saying
he watches her as he feels a doll
wtf is going on
he sez its time to sleep and not to leave da house
she calls the dr and tells about the doll guy but he calmly sez to lock da doors and dot let anyone in
she has trippy dreams nd we see a creepy hand on her face
wtf is going on?
is he b0ning her???
it remind the he hermaphrodite scene in violence jack evil town with her spinning
she wakes up on da floor and finds a fake man bed
she calls on da phone and its doll guy
this is like a f'd up version of that dragonball gt episode with dorutaki lusting after pan
he looks like a lusty ben franklin
then mash guy comes out (I thought he was dead) and grabs her
then she wakes up
ok it wasn't a dream and she and mash looking guy try to team up
mash guy judge has a busted in head dent
judge mash goes upstairs to 70s guitar
theres sounds upstairs and when she goes up a guy falls down the opening the stairs go around
later the phone rings and its raspy doll guy
she sits in a rocking chair and laughs crazy
then we see a doll on a black background and credits roll
the end
wtf did I just watch?
did that even end?
it just kinda stopped and went to credits without really resolving anything
its got a charm and atmosphere and pacing that works kinda
but its kinda low budget and cr-ppy
I liked it but didn't get much of it
i'm not even sure who fell at the end or who iced the mom
for Don't Open the Door! 2 I want it to pick up where the 1st left off and she starts seeing things beyond. she notices dolls coming to life and mving in cr-ppy stop motion. also she sees centipedes the size of gators and monkeys on tricycles. in this trippy fantasy world she fights through it until her grandma calls to her via psychic link and she turns her body into Ki to give the blonde a power up. now she has power armor and can fight better. and can fight the killer dolls and giant centipedes. turns out the doll guys insanity infected her and brought them to a dimensional thing and she has to ice him to get out. its also a 16 bit sega genesis, super Nintendo and game boy advance game where you play as the blonde in pink and yellow Ki armor and its like Valis or Ernest Evans.

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