Tuesday, December 12, 2017

The Hatchet Man Review

note;  I know some Japanese. too bad this movie is Chinese.
the hatchet man
this is my review of the hatchet man (1930s one)
it starts with scrolling text saying in san fran Sodom in the 1910s was many Chinese
and they were ruled by tongs (gangs or something)
and to enforce things was the "hatchet man"
a position passed down through familes
so then we get some people having a celebration oir something
someone bit it
a geezer uses fortune telling sticks to find his boss will be next
what is this? final destination?
the boss gets p-ssed
later comes in the hatchet man
Edward g robinson
he's called to wack the guy who iced the 1st iced guy
its the guy the fortune sticks said would get it
also he's Edwards best friend
they grew up together like Yusei and jack in Yugioh 5ds
mark from the room; johnnys my best friend
ed refuses but they pull the "honor and duty" cr-p to force him
btw this guy don't get a trial or an appeal
they just ice him
how un-American
so his best friend writes out his will as he knows hes gonna bit it
he gives custody of his daughter (a little girl) to ed
and sez he has to marry her at legal age
wtf kinda woody allen cr-p is this?!
he's literally old enough to be her dad
not just like a 14 year old and 20 something like with serena and darien in sailor moon
or pan and trunks in dbgt
they got a whole generation between em
so ed comes in and they play nice and innocent
they hear his daughter singing
she's 6
good f man!
ed is like 40!!
then again hugh Heffner b0ned girls who were like 20 when he was nearly 90
good f man
so best friemd sez for ed to be good to his daughter
after a bit ed pulls out an axe from his sleeve and wastes him
then text sez todays Chinatown is different and the tongs are gone
by it day it means da 30z
so a guy  and chats with ed
he sezs their women are being ruined by "intelligence and freedom"
how liberal
also ed is gonna marry the girl
shes now played by Loretta young who was in laugh clown laugh with lon chaney
ed; I loved her as a child. now that shes a woman, I still love her
good f man!
this is some bad woody allen cr-p!
were they b0ning back then??!!
also the gurl (toya) is dancing with guys
me she finds a moon butterfly
its a sign of a marriage
ed gives her a diamond bracelet
and a jade ring
its his moms engagement ring
he offers to marry her but knows she might not want it so he gives her a free choice
she consents (they literally say "consent" like 3x)
the are about to marry but the tong wars start again
the tongs decide to go to war against an outlaw tong who doe racketeering
and the bad tong iced a guy and wants them to pay tribute on their goods to work there
oh like union dues
ed don't wanna go to war as those ways are behind em
he wants to negotiate 1st b4 icing em
also are bodyguards from new Sodom (new York) to protect em
but eddy g is like Kenshiro from fist of the north star and is too bada55 to need em
later eddy g kisses toya in public and shes stunned by that public love
so what?
just make out in public
no shame in being in love
be proud of it
straight pride!! lol
later toya finds an old bf as a body guard
they flirt
his name s harry
like the brittish prince who was naked with all those chicks
so negotiations don't work and the union I mean tong wont bend
so eddy g has to go to new York to take care of it
and e brings a bodyguard
at da docks they find some chineses guys tying up a guy and throwing him in da water
so eddy g is gonna go wack a guy in sacremento
back home harry flirts with toya
they eventually start doing stuff
it don't show it but I think theyre b0ning
so in sacremento the union boss or w/e don't consent to the tongs deciding to not work with him
eddy g; if u keep ur head, u shall go far
then we cut to a paper saying the crime boss was iced with a hatchet
Edward g robinson plays a guy who b0nes girls who he raised and goes around killing people with an axe
hes the good guy
this is like something go nagai would do
like violence jack or dororon enma kun or hanappe bazooka
so eddy g returns home but finds empty booze bottles
meanwhile, toya and harry are making out
and eddy g walks in
in the real version I think they were b0ning
harry tries to get her to go to new York with him
but eddy jumps in
he' gonna chop his a55 up!
nah he shows a Buddha statue and makes him kneel
hes about to waste him but toya defends him like in Pocahontas
she sez she loves harry and he lets em go together
he makes harry make an oath to be good and if he breaks it, Buddha is gonna ice him
nowadays they'd make him look like the bad guy for this
later eddy g gets shunned by the tong he did so much for because his woman left him
wtf man
they also send his a coffin for his wifes butt buddy as a sign of shame
yeah killing people and b0ning your kids is ok
but her getting seduced and not wacking the guy who did it is unforgiveable
later eddy g is working as a farm hand and his ex maid brings him a letter from toya
shes been taken to CHY NUH and is into the drug business by her new man harry
so harry goes there after unpawning his hatchet
shouldn't he have a lot of cash saved up from years of tong work?
so he finds the place his daughter/wife is at is a crackhouse I mean opium house and has girls as h00kers
holy law and order svu batman
theres nothing holy about it robin
later harry is coming off a high and senses the hatchet
toya helps him and when he comes out eddy g nearly chopps him
but toya stops him and faints
it wasn't toya helping him
he think he was just drug seeing it
eddy g forgives her and they reconcile
the wh-re house master chick wont let his woman go
but eddy reveals shes his wife
she calls him a thief and calls him a liar
but he reveals hes a hatchet man
she don't buy it so he throws his axe accurately at da wall
hey book it
when the wh-re master b--ches at the harry for selling him a hatchet man wife he sez nothing
as a guy pulls out the wall axe he fals over where the axe blade behind his head
she screams
Buddha quote
the end
that was pretty cool
all the asians were played by whites in make up as there wernt really any high rank enough Asian stars in ameraica
esp after sessue hayakawa left
nowadays the malcontents would go mental over this film
normally 30s films don't have drugs, cheating, and killers as heroes
but this is early 30s b4 the hayes code came in full effect
kinda like Splatterhouse 2 on sega b4 the ESRB
but this was well made, well acted and well shot
its only like 75 mins
it doesn't show direct violence or b0ning, just references it later
and directed by William A wellman who also did
Wings(I hated the hero in dat)
Beggers of life(wanna see)
Public enemy (not the johnny depp one)
Call of the wild(focusing on clark gable instead of the dog(like transformers focusing on cr-ppy humans instead of bada66 robots))
a star is born (30s ver I never saw)
Nothing Sacred(sounds like a p0rn0)
The Ox Bow Incident(that was really good)
and Blood Alley(sounds like AIDS!!)
but this film was good
watch it when you can
for the hatchet man 2 I want harry to have been revealed to be alive after getting chopped in the back of the head with an axe and a vegetable. his inner mind cried out for revenge (even though hes the bad guy) and Buddhist daemons replied and gave him daemon powers and took over his body. he then goes on a journey through 1930s china to find ancient pyramids to find demon power artifacts to boost his demon power to beat eddy g (as eddy g is super human from years of training). its also a sega genesis, super Nintendo and Gameboy advance fighting game where you play as the harry demon guy and fight other demons to absorb them and their powers to fight eddy g. its like power athlete/deadly moves/power moves how your stats go up if you win. but it plays better. also theres a free mode where you can play as these dinosaur based demons or eddy g to beat the game.

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