Sunday, April 23, 2017

Dolemite Review

note; cant spell right. I can but I don't care to
this is my review on dolemite
it starts with dolemite in prison and the warden sees him
he makes dolemite a deal
dolemite was arrested for stolen furs and 0.5 million $ in drugs
we get a flashback to the f bi finding it in his trunk
he fights em but is caught
man the acting is bad
as are the fights
I love it
back in the 70s present, the warden tells him the gangs drugs and guns are worse than ever
sounds like America from 2009 to 2016
warden tells dolemite to help him fix the problems and find out who's mixed up in it
only 4 people know why dolemiote is out
the warden, the governor, the judge and an informant
ithink the one of em is instead dolemites gf queen b
we then get a funky song about delemite being bad a55 for the opening credits
dolemite gets out and all these h00kers who work for him greet him
he gets changed into his p-mp outfit in front of the guards and inmates behind the fence
tells the guard to "wipe yo a55" with his prison clothes
guard sez dolemite will be back
in the car ride he b0nes the h00kers
as they drive a car comes by and 1 guy in it sez they wanna ice dolemite
dolomite has em stop the car ad he runs into the woods
the bad guys check the car but dolemite comes out and shreds em with gunfire
he then opens fire at a guy's feet saying "dance" b4 capping him
man this is fun
later in dolemites wh0rehouse, he talks to queen b about whats different since he left
wait, its in somewhere else
the wh0re house was taken from running outta money from payments
we keep seeing willy green doing things in flash backs like being part of the framing of dolemite and stiffing a h00ker cuz he ddnt 0ne her right
he also owns the wh0re house
then dolemiyte b0nes a chick to 70s music
her t-ts look weird
later the guy who had him arrested with green stops and frisks dolemite
they find drugs in his car and use em in the open in daylight
they tell him to skip town]
he slugs dolemite in the gut 3x but dolemite beats em up and spreads their drugs on em
he keeps calling everyone muthur f--kers
later at a black churchthe reverend complains about Nixon
his speech on gov cr-p sounds like trump
he cop comes in, interrupting mass, and looks for dolemite
the other cop finds what the reverend calls "dirty clothes" which are firearms
this is America!
its legal!
the cops leave
mr green (not the clue guy) seems on drugs most of the time
wait, its creeper
dolemite talks to some guys in rhyme
holy cr-p this movie is half over
but nothings happened
this doesn't feel long
I should mention that my dad things of kid dy no mite from good times when I say dolemite cuz hes bad with movie titles and never saw this
creeper is also known as hamburger p-mp and dolemite chats with him
dolemite tells h p if h p helps him get info, he;s gonna give him food cash
they go to h p's place and h p does needle drugs
dolemite askes him who killed a guy
he reveals (while on drugs) he saw it happen
then guys bust in and cap him
then dolemite wastes those guys
then the cops get him
a guy hassles the reverend over maybe working for dolemite but rev sez he works only for The Lord
dolemitr in prison is asked if he knows willy green
hes let go and b0nes a chck not queen b
dolemte calls someone and tells em to meet him somewhere
at the wh0re house, green (wait, its not him) is watching bikini girls dance
a girl comes in asking for dolemite then dolemite comes in
he goes in a room, s cash from a hidden place, tells them to tell green to get out, and beats guys up and leaves
he has 24 hours to leave, and 23 of em r up
at a karate match, deloeinte sez he saved a lotta cash and bought it back
he tells the karate class/his h00kers theyre in for a fight and  spread word hes back
at a house place the mayor campaigns with black people
green comes to see the mayor and tells him theres trouble in his ward
and dolemite is back
mayor sez he let dolomite out so he can have him iced
after green leaves, mayor sez he don't want green coming at mayors home anymore
queen b meet the reverend and rev sez he knows who set him up and stuff with green
wait, its not b
later dolwmite checks a place and find drugs
at some place(I think the wh-re house) they have music acts
queen b sez green and his crew are out there
they have an African dance to drums
dolemite seems like the kinda guy who would like fat chicks
not in a bad way
dolemite does a rhyme about jungle animals fighting
but with slang and swear words
its pretty clever
after the show dolemite talks to green
green sez dolemite owes him interest and wants to be partners
dolemite tells him off and leaves
green snaps and pulls a gun
his droogs start a fight and green kicks everyones a66
the karate h00kers fight greens men and dolemite fights green to 70s music
dolemite punches a hole in green and ices him
hes wounded and goes to the hospital
the next day the cop calls the mayor(who's b0ning a wh0re) and sez dolemite iced green
mayor puts out hits on dolemite
but the chick he was b0ning holds him at gunpoint
a chick stops the h00ker but the h00ker shoots her
in the chaos the mayor strangles the h00ker
wtf is this? new York?!
2 hit men try to ice a guy but he beats em up
mayor books it in a car and the guy nearly iced (who is dolemites homie) chases him
a car chase
how cool
mayor gets to a plane but the homie caps him
he tells dolemite in the hospital theres still hits on him
they change the room numbers and the cops come for him
they go in a room and shoot it up
but dolemite and friend beat em up and cap em
the cops come in(the guys capped wernt cops) and get arrested by the homie (whos f bi)
the homie he had to close dolemite's wh0re house and asks what dolemite's gonna do next?
then the credits roll and dolemites voice raps saying he shall return
the end
that was fun
its got bad acting and art
but its entertaining and cool
dolemites the man!
and ur the hermaphrodite!
u; ooh, I'm pregnant with my own kid!
for dolemite 2 I'd like dolemite to go to japan in the 80s and he fights a group that forces people to join it or they cant work in that area. and if they join they gotta pay protection. and if they associate with anyone outside the group, they get kicked out. its either a union or a cult and they force people to change their names ad go through rituals to belong. and they also make people remove their parts so they don't breed. and eat vegetarian under penalty of being forced to eat parts of themselves.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Rear Window Review

Note;my keybord is like jimmy steweaetts leg
rear window
this is my review on rear window
that title sounds like what you call the butt flap on long undies
its got jimmy stewart and some blonde
Hitchcock always liked blondes
ooh,  in color
but its widescreen
they otta fix that
I recall seeing this w/o black bars in the 90s
so it starts with a pan of the neighborhood and showing people doing normal things
1 chick puts on a bra and stretches around an open window
jimmy stewart has a broken leg
hes a photographer
he gets a call from his editor saying its time to get the cast removed
but jimmy reminds him its next week
jimmy talks to him as he watches the undies chick prance around
he sez hes bored and has spent weeks in his apartment with nothimg to do but look at the neighbors
after the call he tries to scratch an itch under his cast with a spoon
but it looks like hes trying to j-rk off
this hag comes in and tells him that in the old days they put ur eyes out with a red hot poker for being a "peeping tom"
nowadays we went back to attacking guys for finding chicks hot
aftersome back and forth she sez he might wind up in jail for looking out his window
I onten have dreams of looking out the widow and guys coming up to get me
she massages hm and he sez he don't wanna marry some chick
shes too perfect for him
he don't wanna drag her down to living with a camera bum
the hag sez it was simpler in the old days(slavery days?)
nowadays things have made marriage worse
he sees a newlywed couple in a neighbor building and they are lovey
they pull down the shades to b0ne
good thing they're virgins. otherwise 1 might give the other aids
at night grace Kelly kisses jimmy
shes wearing an 1100$ dress
that's in 50s money
she brings in a servant with food and wine
she wants him to quit his job but he don't consent
they look at the neighbors and comment
the undies girl is in a dress with 3 guys
reminds me of morgan McKnight from student bodies
later he watches this couple (one guy looks a bit like our hero archie bunker) having issues with his woman
later she nags him and wont listen so he yells at her to STFU
he explains his having to be cr-ppy in his job and how its not for her
she sez she don't care and wants to be in his life
she books it and later its raining and he hears a noise
he sees the archie bunker guy going out with a suitcase
later sees him going out again
later the undies girl, then the bunker guy
he keeps waking up for a few mins the sleeping for a bit
the next day jimmies getting massaged and talks with the hag about the bunker guy being a salesman cuz he goes out at night with a suitcase
bunker looks out the window and jimmie notices a dog looking at the bunker guy's flowers
jimmie gets binoculars and looks around
he attaches a long lens to his binocolars
wait, he just ses his camera and the long lens
and notices bunker has a big knife wrapped up
later  jimmy is making out with grace(not grace Vasquez from(student bodies)
but he cant stop thinking of bunker and him going out at night
hope hes not turning queer
that would be a twist
it explains why he don't wanna marry her
and spies on him out the window
he thinks bunker chopped up his woman
the he looks at him with binoculars
but grace gets p-ssed at his curiosity
he sez the wife is disabled and needs constant care
but no one was in there today
she tries explaining it away with coincidental logic
sounds like the deniers and daiana being wacked by da qween
then she turns to his side and listens
she investigates for hi as hes a shut in
the hag suggests he chopped her up in he bath tub
later bunker gets 2 uniformed guys to move a big wood thing
the hag goes to get the name of the truck
jimmie sees him make a long distance call
later he has a guy come by and talks about the icing
the guy explains it as a regular thing but jimmie counters
the guy wont tell the cops until he gets more evidence
later the guy comes back and sez the guys he asked sed the wife and later the bunker wet on vacation
but jimmie notices things that don't add up
jimmie suggests the guy(a private dick) goes in and gets evidence but the dick sez the constitution protects the suspect
better than soviet england and Canada where they do what they want
also in his mailbox is a oost cardsaying "arrived fine, feeling better, wife name
later jimmie notices bunker is going out and calls for back up
the grace Kelly comes over and its revealed bunker has his woman purse
grace sez a woman has  hand bag and she goes everywhere with it
also grace stays the night with jimmie
the dick returns and sez the buker is innocent
in the trunk was full of her clothes
jimmie don't buy it and gives counter evidence
its revealed in ww2 jimmie and the dick were in planes
he sez people do private things and leaves
jimmie thinks it over and asks if its ethical to spy if its to prove he didn't commit a crime
she lowers he shades and gets into lingerie that would be sexy in the 50s
then theres a scream and some b--ch whines that someone killed her dog
she goes on a whiny tirade
to h-ll with dogs!
send em to h-ll!
I hate those a55 holes
hope they go extinct
we wiped out better species
but only bunker didn't go to the window to see the scream
he killed the dog
give him a medal
he did a public service
later bunker is cleaning his bathroom walls(for BLOOOOOD!!??) AND jimmie notices the flowers were longer 2 weeks ago
something is under the flowers
jimmie writes a note and grace delivers it to the bunker and runs
the hag notices a neighbor taking pills
he notices the wifes wedding ring might be there d he had 3 rings in an earlier thing
jimmie calls bunker and sez to meet him at a bar
he sends the chicks in the guy's place and sez the signal for him returning is a flashbulb
the chicks dig up the flowers
but they find nothing
the grace goes in his place and the hag returns home but the bunker returns
he catches her and all he can do is watch as bunker attacks her
but jimmie called the cops and the cops save her
that's f'd
unable to save her
she has the wifes wedding ring and points to it on her hand while wiggling her finger facing the window
but bunker sees it
she gets arrested and hag goes to pay her bond
don't want dog and beth chapman on yo A55
jimmie calls is dick friend and tells him he got evidence
but bunker is coming for jimmie stewarts a55
he's gonna b0ne him dead!
if jimmy had a gun he could equal the odds
he gets his flashbulb ready
good suspense for the approaching onslaught
he comes in ad asks what jimmy wants
he wants the ring back
jimmy sez da cops have it
he goes at jimmy but jimmy keeps flashing him
they struggle and bunker throws jimmy out the window
but jimmy hangs on to bunker
the cops get bunker and  jimmy falls on his cast
hes ok
bunker sez he's gonna lead the cops to her pieces
he dug up the flower bed pieces and hid it elsewhere
then why kill te dog if theres nothing there?
maybe he hates dogs
later everyones happy (except the chick who was chopped up) and jimmy has 2 casts(1 per leg)
and grace is with him
the end
that was pretty good
good color, suspense, lighting, pacing, and horror
nowadays we'd see her chopped up pieces
but I liked this
for rear window 2 i'd like it if jimmie stewart is going through rehab after his legs are healed. but the killer from the 1st movie files a civil suit against immy for stalking, extortion and harassment, and eye damage from the flashbulbs. its a courtroom drama and the cops (wanting to make an example of jimmy for doing their job for em) cut the killer a deal to testify against jimmy. the grace Kelly uses her funds to get the best lawyer money can buy, but the cop union has used their years of dues to bribe him to throw the case. also, the killer sez his woman wanted him to chop her up and cuz she consented it was ok(which is one reason the cops let him off easy)

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Get Rich Or Die Tryin Review

note; this film is cr-p! so is my spelling!
get rich or die tryin
this is my review on get rich or die tryin
its the life story of 50 cent
so kind of a rip off of 8 mile
cant wait for Kanye to get his cr-ppy life made into a cr-ppy movie
btw the movie title has nothing to do with the story or characters
they just named it off of 50 cent's latest album of the time
just like vanilla ice's movie; cool as ice
it starts with credits in a rear view mirror and 50 and his droogs going on some mission
all to monotone rap
this is t singing
its just talking to a primal beat
btw quincy jones did music 4 this
50 and friends bust into a place and rob these white people
I'm watching this on BET so its censored
1 homie caps a guard in the leg and another nearly blows off some kids head
so 50 stops him
he goes on a tirade and back up arrives
the back up chases the homies out at gunpoint
they get away and torch the black car that served em well
50 gets home and a guy ambushes him and empties a gun into him
hes about to get his head blown off ad starts narrating his life story
then we get a flashback when he was a happy 80s kid w/o a dad
I think his moms a h00ker and they live with her rents in a house with 8 people
his mom gets him to smile
man they got an ugly kid to play him
also his name in here is marcus
irl he's Curtis Jackson
he narrates that he knew his mom sold drugs and hes ok with it
at home he raps into a mic at 3 am about liking a girl
his mom tells him to treat girls right
I should mention that we KNOW he's not wasted by that assassin as when this was released, 50 cent was alive
unless its like that episode of pokemon where James's rents wanted him to marry and he told the gang his backstory of freezing dead as a kid
that was funny
better than the cr-p they got for pokemon now
later 50;s mom takes him to her dealing area and gets in a dispute with a rick james looking guy
and her p-mp named majestic
50 gets outta the car to protect her
those dealers would b0ne him dead
the girl he likes he did the rap for gets the cassette of his rap
its about b0ning
the girl is sent away b4 50 cent gets her aids pregnant
that night his mom is iced and burned
its implied majestic did it
f caps lock
majestic comforts him
50 lives in the house with 8 people and its cr-ppy for him
I one event he splashes water on a sleeping guy for no reason and they fight
so he sleeps in the basement
because he wants expensive shoes he turns to selling drugs
but that corners dealers beat his a55
majestric saves him
they would've beat him dead
then b0ned the body
the eaten it
like that gay xxx star in Canada
majestric talks to him and he wants sneakers and a gun
he dont know why he wants a gun, but he gets it
after a timeskip he's a disgruntled teen
his uncle deuce is smoking chronic and cr-ppily rapping
when grampa does laundry he finds 50's gun
his 1st action? ask; what r u doing going threw my stuff?
at school he is caught with chronic or guns or something and gets arrested
grampa warns him not to be like mom but he sez(in really cr-ppy acting) imma gangsta gram pa nd I'm prowd of it!
I assume that was meant to be a pivotal scene
but it kinda s-cked
also he blames grampa for it cuz "if I didn't hav to hide my troo self I could've left it at home"
makes him sound like a crossdresser
he moves in to a place owned by majestic and tries rapping
after 3 hours he goes back to selling drugs
he sez the pay for waiting in the cold and jail adds up to under minimum wage
then they make some drug crystal and "everything changed"
their turf is next to the Columbians and they clash
later at a wh0rehouse one homie hassles a wh0re for smoking crack
2x a month his welfare comes in
the war against the Columbians gets more intense
also after crackheads robbing the Korean store too many times, the owner takes a stand and caps some shoplifters
50 sez; aftur da deth of doz 2 innicint kidz
but they wernt innocent
they were thieves
at the service for the dead shoplifters 50 meets a high status guy who tells 50 he's god
he does something about the Columbians
at a rap thing, majestic (I think) gets him photograffed for something
later 50 buys a car and smiles while listening to rap and driving
ma he's pretty ugly
look at those teeth
its like a horse!
he sez; I ha it all, but it felt like some thing waz missing
he means chicks to b0ne
later he's driving and gets out cuz he recognized the girl he tried to b0ne as a kid
at a restaurant with her his droogs come by and he reveals they work for him as a gagsta rapper
later he sees majestic and majestic s happy 50 bought a big white car
later 50 and friends stop near a chum's place and notice cops there
they act like its bad
but the cops are the good guys
and the drug dealers are the bad guys
its common sense!
and this is the 90s on the movie so its 2x as true
at a club 50 and his girl watch a rapper when a comubian guns a guy down
the 1st thing said? call 911!
but I thought you hated cops!
now u want em to SAVE you?!
50 takes his gf to his slummy dirty place and they eventually b0ne
but 1st they sing about being best friends
wait, its the rap from b4
he didn't know what b0ning was when he wrote the song about b0ning as a kid
after b0ning they return to the hospital and their homie who was shot is crippled
good thing they left him to b0ne
so 50 goes to avenge his crippled friend
he caps a guy but instead of icing him, just blows out his legs
the cops search their place and instead of guns, find drugs
the high rank guy gets arrested and tells his drug dealers to behave
I should mention the film never shows the harm 50's drugs did
no destroyed familys or health
just the success it brings the dealers
see "intervention" for more on this
the new leader sez someone is against 50
50 goes to jail besauce of the drugs and in the shower a guy pulls a knife(out his a55?) and in the fight, 50 beats a guy hard and saves a guy called "bama"
50 is sent to da hole and someone drops a razor blade for him to seppuku
he decides to "tell da truth" and "not back down"
1 of 50s homies caps a cop and is executed by his gang by having his teeth pulled out and suffocated with a bag on his head
i'd feel worse for him if he wasn't a drug dealer and murderer
maestic goes around having people iced and making rap guys
1 guy rapping for majestic as the studio invaded by Columbians who kill everyone
bama tells 50 how as a kid he was tormented for being lighter skinned
so he carried a screwdriver to f people
50 carves rap words in his jail cell wall
I'm surprised he spelled them right
majestic meets with the Columbian leader to deal with things
later 50 gets out and wants to go straight
he wants to be a rapper
ad bama is his manager
but majestic wants Kanye I mean 50 to be his #2
he turns the offer down and drives off
but bama don't like the guy in the backseat fidgeting so he pulls over
he suspects him
he sez; if I'm right, im right. and if im wrong, I still could've been im right 2x
that don't add up
schrodinger's homie
also 50 cent's girl poops out a baby
if it wernt for this film I wouldn't know he had kids
we get a montage of him trying to be a rapper
also majestic visits 50 jr and (like candyman) sinisterly tells 50s gf to have 50 say sorry
so 50 wants to kill majestic
he also wants more security
hows he pay for that?!
he has no work!
he gets even by singing about majestic and his homies crimes
that'll show him for threatening ur fam!
well, it kinda does as it p-sses off majestic and he puts a geee haaad on 50 cent
majestic threatens the record companies and they don't give 50 a contract
I thought they were making sales and selling tapes already
so they decide to rob the columbianos
then we're back at where the movie started
his gramma calls his name as the assassin is aout to fire and it makes him shoot 50 in the mouth instead of the head(sideways)
why was he at his grammas place?
the assassin runs and the flashbacks
they get him to the hospital and at the same time some ugly woman poops out a baby
who is this pregnant woman pooping a baby?
and why is this mentioned here?!
the music is meant to be majestic (the feeling, not the killer)
wait, the baby being pooped out is a flashback to his birth
he has visions of the crippled friend walking and his dead friends saying hi
the assassin returns to majestic and majestic shanks him with his cane sword for failing to kill 50 cent
during his recovery he has his teeth wired together
oh and his song was a hit
I thought they couldn't get a record contract
his gf sez she can relate to his pain but now he's weak for his pain medication addiction
so he instantly busts all his pain medicine
that's gonna f him up
she leaves him and takes the baby
but b4 going away returns
after an offscreen withdrawal, he gets his braces off and still has a bullet in his mouth
after his gf feels it, she makes out with him
then they b0ne again
then he raps the song from the start of the film
but s-cked at it
so he redoes it with "more pain"
still sounds monotone
that song is used for a training montage to recover strength
they also give him tattoos and make cd's to sell by hand and recordable discs
man, he cant sing or act.
maybe he can do p0rn0
hes big and buff
later he talks to the high status guy and he sez he failed to protect 50s mom
also when he heard 50 was capped he prayed to 50s mom for God to save him
is this guy his dad?
I thought it was majestic
this is like a bad soap opera
also the high rank guy is like 80 and the mom was like 21
later a lot of slum people have a "stop the crack" rally
nowadays they'd be seen as bad guys and those wanting to legalize it would be the heroes
50 sez bye to his moms fam and sez he left them protection
later majestic meets with 50 and wants to have a respectful picture taken
50 doesn't consent
they hug and he tells 50 he iced his mom
so they fight
50 beats the black off him
50 walks away as majrstic sez he didn't mean to ice his mom... then pulls a knife on 50
so 50s homie caps him and 50 walks away as they empty guns into him
50 walks away looking like a daemon and sez; iv been lookin 4 mA father ma hole life! turnz out, I waz lookin 4 ma self!
then raps on stage
the end
man that was pretty bad
I notice 50 never kills anyone
I assume in the real version he was killing more people than the qween of englind and o j simpson combined
but they cant show it for legal reasons
as he'd get the chain
this movie was pretty f'd up, violent, badly acted, badly written, didn't really have any real lesson besides "being a violent homie is cool" and made drug dealers look good
and I kinda enjoyed it
its fun to watch, decent editing, good lighting, the music isn't that bad and its got a "flow" to it that's entertaining
I see it like trog with joan Crawford
cr-ppy but enjoyable
or Spider-Man venom separation anxiety
its got charm
for get rich or die tryin 2 i'd like for him to make friends with some 3rd world dictator who likes his raps. while visiting there, the oppressed people have an uprising and try to bring the country down. so 50 cent and the dictator team up and fight em off. and as the people are malnourished drug addicts, and 50 and the dictator and big buff guys, they burst em apart with punches and practically shatter their rotting bodies with heavy blows. also its a 2 player beat em up on sega genesis and snes and 1 play is 50 cent and 2 player is the dictator (and they have psychic powers that can unleash psy bursts once per level)

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Night Of The Lepus Review

note; my spelling has tourettes... butt aids!!
night of the lepus
this is my review on night of the lepus
ts also called "rabbits" and is based on da book; the year of the angry rabbit by russel braddon
I never read that nor heard of him
its got deforest Kelly who was bones on star trek
ooh, its got janet leigh
shes jamie lee Curtis's mom
ooh, its set in Arizona
it starts with some butt pope complaining about overpopulation
but if everyone on earth had decent living space, the whole world of 6billion + could fit in texas
then he sez its rabbits that are overpopulating in Australia
and if we're under attack, we should defend ourselfs
you've redeemed urself butt pope
he sez rabbits are called "lepus" and they breed and eat too much
why not just use em for target practice?
or experiments?
after a credits scene to cool music, a guy riding a horse is running and the horse falls
so he blows a hole in it with his shotgun!
nowadays he'd be seen as the bad guy for harming some monkey
he gets back to his farm and sez it snapped its leg in a rabbit hole
see u in h-ll horse!!
later he talks to deforest Kelly about rabbit problems
he's a doctor, not a petsmart employees!
later this guy and his blonde wife and daughter are working with animals by shaking the cage and recording the sounds
deforest Kelly(now called d k) comes by
the guy (roy) sez hes gonna use the sounds to scare mosquitoes to save on ddt
I don't think bugs know bird sounds
d k asks for help with the horse kilelrs farm
they drive through an area of people shooting rabbits
the little blonde girl(did speilburg do this?!) is freaked out cuz she likes rabbits
not after this movie!
horse killer needs the rabbits gone but poison would kill birds and let grass hoppers come out
so the roy tries something
they get some rabbits and experiments on em by injecting em with hormones to make them less fertile and more like the other gender
but its f ing em up
if you don't have a medical problem you don't need hormones!
its like taking radiation if u dont have a tumor
the roy injects 1 rabbit with some genetic f ing thing
the girl likes it so when the adults are not looking, she switches it with a control group rabbit and asks to take one as a pet
guess which one she takes
a teen takes her rabbit and chases it away cuz those rabbits killed his chickens
do they do that?
he sez sorry(why?! u knew what u were doing! a55 hole!) and sez to tell her mom the rabbit is with him
later they burn the area to get rid of the rabbits
watership down depicted this from the rabbits p o v
aka; the bad guys!!
later they find a big rabbit paw print
later the teen and the little blonde girl go to see the teens friend captain billy who has a gold mine
I think he's gonna b0ne her
don't go with him little girl!
he's gonna get u pregnant!!
they arrive and look for captain bily(bayou billy?) but hes not there
maybe he never existed and this is a purvo trick?
the little blonde girl finds giant a55 rabbits and freaks out
I think they were eating captain billy
later shes in shock and the teen didn't see what it was
maybe the rabbits are in her mind and its her way of dealing with being b0ned?
later its night and a truck guy stops and sees big a55 rabbits going around
Nibbles and treat!
Nibbles and treat!
Nibbles and treat!
their mouths are blood soaked and they b0ne him dead offscreen
later a cop stops by and sees the truck with wrappers everywhere
oh and the chopped up body of the guy
it looks cr-ppy
but the fun cr-ppy
good cheese grommit
this is an AWFUL lot like that movie, the killer shrews
a cop sez they found a guy in the mineshaft chopped up
the scientist(who's black)sez they things were chewed
cop; what caused this? vampires?
dr; possibly. but I'd say a saber toothed tiger
this isn't sabertooth
or maybe this caused it
also a fam was chopped up
a scientist sez f ing with the dna of 1 rabbit f'd the rest of em
cuz each cell has the dna code for the whole animal
ma we're a full half of a full hour in
and not much has happened
one guy wants to use dynamite
this isn't looney toons!
the gang goes to the mineshaft and sez it goes in 2 miles
and theres another end that's allegedly been closed off for years
yeah, closing off a thing will stop giant killer a55 rabbits!
they care about rules
d k goes on top of the area mined and finds 3 holes
he drops a rock in one and rabbits go mental inside
they hardly show those little butt stuffs
instead of blowing the rabbits up, roy goes in cuz; whatevers inside is a mystery
that's f ing stupid!
he wants to analyze its blood and cells
is he expecting a queen rabbit to be laying eggs? like in them and aliens and arachnophobia?
after much exploring they say; we should've marked out way
what are you?! naga from slayers?!
they find the rabbits and take pix
theyre as big as wolves
maybe just giant shrews
I thought they were like car sized
as they somehow finding their way out, a giant killer rabbit comes out and mutilates d k
wait. its not d k
janet leigh shoots it a few times and it runs away
they eventually get out and they blow the hole
why not use acid?
just fill it with acid
or acid fire
remember acid fire?
from the 90s?
maybe I'm thinking ice fire from sailor moon
d k sees the photo and they wanna release it
roys blonde wife janet leigh is gonna go u north to get away from the stress or something
but some rabbits survived
I knew they should've used acid fire
holy cr-p theres a lot of rabbits
the horses are afraid of em
as is a dog
I heard that as a kid(in the 80s?) my cousin had a rabbit or guinea pig and it was in the back yard and the neighbors dog came over and tore it apart in front of her
the horse killer comes out with his shot gun
the horses get out(they know they';re next) and the rabbits b0ne em dead
for close ups its actors in fursuits playing the rabbits
1 guy books it in a car but the rabbits get him
remember once upon a hamster?
that show was nice
now it would be done with cg
wait, the rabbits didn't get him
wait, they did
those are some cr-ppy effects
I love it
big as wolves my a55!
these things are like the size of small trucks
maybe big rhinos
they try getting in a storm celler but the farmer with shotgun caps em
they shoot the ceiling to get the ones above em in the kitchen
the rabbits are going like "wtf is dat?!" as their caped from under
btw, how many bullets would it take to ice 1?
in Hawaii an elephant went berserk nd took over 80 bullets
they eventually bust in a place and ice some dame
they also waste other people
I don't know
I don't care about these dinks
the next day this fam is driving by and decides to stop at a small town
but no ones there
also the janet leigh and little blonde girl are driving and the car gets stuck in sand that looks like kitty litter
wtf thats her mom?!
shes like 60 years older than her!!
roy finds a place full of rabbits
but they don't see, hear or smell him
the roy tells the law where the lepus are
it might not be roy
they send in the troops and they arrive after dark
but the rabbits are on the move
how'd they consume enough mass to grow that big?
were they eating the other rabbits?
they don't have enuff men to stop em
but they need a fence 10 feet tall 20 miles wide
or the other way around
wait, its 2 miles
they decide to use a train track to electrocute em
the cops tell people theres giant killer rabbits coming
so they gotta use their cars and lights
the janet leigh and grl keep the rabbits back with a road flare
the roy saves em from a chopper
the rabbits are shot at by the army
and the cars and lights funnel em into the electric track
ooh, flamethrower ing rabbits
it would be cool if the rabbits exploded into blood and guts
maybe if this was an 80s film
they fry
later they say the rabbits are done
and the camera zooms in on rabbits in the field
freeze frame and credits
the end
that was pretty fun
not bad
the kind of film u watch to poke fun at
like the room
but not as quotable
for night of the lepus 2 i'd like for the rabbit blood to seem into the ground and infect worms and the worms become sentient. they use psychic powers to communicate and say they wanna declare war on the birds. but the bird people at the bad wwf(not the REAL wwf with Hollywood hulk Hogan)(the loser one with the panda) tries to shut down the worms as they love birds(in all the wrong ways) and they have a battle with domesticated birds under bad wwf control, and worms with psychic energy blades they can summon and attack with.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Ivanhoe Review

Note; Imma try to spell better today(not rreally)
This is my review on Ivanhoe(50s version)
and no, its not about a Russian farmer and his tool
its based on a novel by walter scott
its got Robert taylor and Elizabeth taylor
us joan fontaine (Olivia de havilands sister) and George sanders
ooh, its in color and full screen
just like transformers the movie
in the 12th century after the 3rd crusade, king Richard went missing and a knight named Ivanhoe looks for him
he eventually gets to Austria
also normans and Saxons are having issues
Ivanhoe sings about traveling as he rides on horseback
one guy in a castle hes next to sings back and drops an item
its a note
Ivanhoe gets a guy to read it to him
its from king rixhard
hes kept hostage by king leopold and his bro prince john wont pay the ransom
after threatening to de eye the reader if he tells anyone, ivahoe returns to Sherwood forest
ivangoe meets sone knights and they talk
the knights hate Saxons
that's racist
in the bushes, robin hood gives backstory and recognizes Ivanhoe
he left to fight against his dads wishes
also hes saxon
also people think Ivanhoe bit it in the holy land
Ivanhoe brings the knights to his dads house(they have Frenchie names(I assume that makes em bad guys)) and the dad lets em stay
Ivanhoe goes to see the princess
they revealed they slit their writs and made a blood oath in the past
sounds like black arts
he tells her about ruchard and plans to get the knights (normans) to tell him cr-p
the jester sez; when he heard normans were coming, he tried to lock up his wife. when she heard, she locked him up
were the normans gonna b0ne him?
I think the jester is jewish
a jewish comedian? even in the 1100s they were popular!
the normans don't like him
the dad is disgruntled about the normans taking over his homeland and oppressing his people
I thought they were French
are they brits too??
the princess comes out and asks about the holy land
the dad sez he prefers Richard over john as Richard cared for England despite being norman
wtf are the normans?!
its revealed the norman knights here lost to Ivanhoe in a tournament
but no one knows what he looks like
the dad notices ivamhoe and sez he don't like him w/o revealing anything
in the back room Ivanhoe tries to get his dad to help his pay richies ransom
but the dad sez no
the jester agrees to go with Ivanhoe as a squire
wtf he wears a collar
is he a slave??
at night Ivanhoe saves his dad (wait, its not his dad) from being b0ned by 2 guys
the guy he saved (who's jewish) thanks him and Ivanhoe tries to get the 150 000 from him
hes not rich but ivanhoe sez if his people help him save Richard, Richard will give them a safe home
Ivanhoe removes the collar from thr jester
jester sez its been on since he was 11
that's f'd up
then Elizabeth taylor stops by(shes the jewish guys kid) and gives him her moms jewels
she knows hes englands last hope for freedom
at the time there was hope
but England now... yeah that didn't end well
later theres a jousting contest and this black knight is kicking a55
its Ivanhoe and Elizabeth tayoir sez she gave him her ewels to buy da armor
Elizabeth tayor sez she'd pray for Ivanhoe to be safe
her dad sez; whos God would a jew pray to for a gentile?
she sez; the same God who created em both
Remember; Jews and Christians worship the same God
How'd her dad not know that??
in jousting Ivanhoe is wounded and gets a chance to make 1 girl in the crowd the days queen
he gives it to the princess(his gf)
king john is p-ssed
he's gonna start j-rkin off violently and going tourettes
Ivanhoe jousts with the knight who was with him in his dads place(boys gill bare)George sanders from the portrait of dorian gray
he gets busted and is taken back to a tent
elizabetb tayoir uses medical techniques she learned from some witch to heal him
I assume its some kind of Ki based healing
maybe pressure points
or maybe what Rasputin did to heal the czars son alexi
Ivanhoe is taken to some place and a guy sees him
boys gill bare reveals to john he knows its Ivanhoe who he faced and Ivanhoe is trying to save Richie
john sez he wants everyone jew norman or saxon who helps Richard taken down
but he wants Ivanhoe
robinhoods men uses an arrow wih a note tied on it to spread news fast
1100s email
btw this fillm was ated 12+ in brazil, finland Germany and korea
wtf man
buncha candy a55es
theres no graphic violence or nude scenes or b0ning
then again, spain rated the Yugioh movie 13+
candy a55!
even England rated Ivanhoe U(G)
England is less candy a55 than brazil?!
robinhood gets to Ivanhoe and hides him in the forest
boys gill bare sez the jews went to the dad and boys gill bare sez to take em down
the dad and friends ride and chat and they fight normans who attack
did that rhyme?
I think they get captured and they get taken to a castle
Ivanhoe comes by and sez he's gonna surrender to fair trial if they let his droogs free
a fair trial in England?
to quote my black friends; my a55!!
Ivanhoe goes to see his dad
he tells dad that robin hood and his homies are outside and only the dad is skilled enuff to take the castle
but boys gill bare has em both locked up
one blonde norman wants to marry and b0ne the princess
but her kids will be poisoned by his evil dna!gill bare boys tries to get Elizabeth taylor to b0ne him
butshe runs to the castle wall to jump if he tries anything(like in birth of a nation/last of the mohicans)
but gill bare boys tells her Ivanhoe is in the castle and only she can save him
sh consents then he kisses her
if this were made today they would've b0ned
In the dungeon the normans say they'll cook the prisoners until they drip red gravy
so they're cannibals too?!
I mean I now they're bad guys
but still
this isn't riki-oh!
then robin hood comes by and ells em to surrender or he's gonna bust a55
his men have da place surrounded
but they bring out ivahoe and threatens to hang him
the guy holding him tries to push him off but Ivanhoe catches and grapples him
wait, if they were using him as a hostage to send em away, why'd he try to ice him there?!
not wanting to lose the guy, boys gill bare has Ivanhoe cut free
robinhood snipers the minions and Ivanhoe runs inside
he ices the guy who held him and more guys
good job saving that guy
he's dead, Ivanhoe is free and they're gonna bit it
he frees the prisoners and starts a fire
the norman soldiers come out to fight(why??!!) but get picked off
robinhoor and men get a wood bridge across the moat and get across
the normans drop rocks on the men
the jester is sword fighting and gets knocked into a fire and cooks dead
he aint gonna be in Ivanhoe 2
hope the normans don't eat him
the men (merry men?) get inside
Ivanhoe goes to save the princess but faces a boss 1st
he finds boys gill bare got away with elanith tayolr
then boys gill bare drives away with her
later john gets elizeth tayoly
he knows shes got magic powers
later the jewish guy and others bring the ransom (as his people have called in their debts to get 100 000 in Vienna)
but john wants 100 000 to ransome ebith tayolr
hes just doing it to stop them from saving richaird
the jewish guy sez to save Richard
but Ivanhoe sez he wants to save her himself
the elizanebth taoylr is tried for being a witch
one guy sez she used black magic to turn ito a black swan(are there balck swans?!)
one sez she used magic to revive dead Ivanhoe
boys gill bare stands up for her cuz hes hot for her
john sez that's proof she bewitched him
also he sez the jews turned Richard evil and stole his soul
wtf man!!
I know hes the bad guy
but scapegoating the jews?!
come on!!
boys gill bare sez she can be saved if she renounces her God
but she's faithful and wont betray Him
Good message
she's gonna be burned at the stake but Ivanhoe comes in
he challenges the court by saying its up to God to decide
and if he wins a card game I mean kung fu fight, its proof she's innocent
wtf man!
that's like something they'd do in a bad anime
the next at they have a match
boys gill bare offers to surrender and lose all status if she goes with him
she sez no
if anyone breaks the rules, the snipers pick em off
boys gill bare chooses mace and chain and Ivanhoe chooses axe
finally; these 2 are gonna go at it
its like Yusei and jack facing off in Yugioh 5D's
they fight while on horseback
btw they made john seem really fruity in here
I mean yeah he's French
but still man
maybe he's just metro seuxal like trudeau or liberace
Ivanhoe gets taken off his horse but fights on
his shield is busted away but he pulls boys gill bare off
the king Richard comes by
wtf, gill bare is biting it
when'd that happen??
he sez he always loved her and bites it
just like with kohoki and megumi in Urotsukidoji II; legend of the demon womb
Richard sets everything right after coming into the scene
just like Donald trump
or ronald Reagan
and the film ends
that was pretty good
classic action
a bit cheesey with the effects
but still pretty cool
and kinda bada55
for Ivanhoe 2 i'd like for king Richard to have gone insane from years in captivity and he begins mass executions of anyone he feels is against him. he also makes non-cannibalism illegal and everyone must eat from 1 person once a month or be drawn and quartered. Ivanhoe cant take this and goes to Austria for help and leads an uprising against king Richard who had gained black wendigo powers from eating too many people and Ivanhoe must use holy weapons to fight him.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Dr Goldfoot And The Bikini Machine Review

note; I pell like I smell, spicey!
dr goldfoot and the bikini machine
this is my review of dr goldfoot and the biokini machine
is got Vincent price and frankie Avalon
Vincent price was in Edward scissorhands by tim burton
and frankie Avalon (no relation to sakura Avalon from cardcaptors) was in pee wee;s playhouse Christmas special(pee wee gave tim burton his big break with pee wees big adventure)
ive never seen this film but my olde chume raigekiman from youtube liked a few clips from it so I figured i'd review it for him
btw the title sounds like an H anime
ooh, mgm did this
its widescreen
it starts with a classic song and Claymation for the credits
nowadays it would be cr-ppy cgi
but this has more charm
then the camera goes down san fran sisco like sonic adventure 2
its set in the distant future of; the day after tomorrow
good thing global warmings fake lol
this chick in a trenchcoat and hat like inspector gadget goes around invincible to being run over and shot
in a cafeteria frankie Avalon is attacked by his gf for not having enough to afford more than cheese sandwitches
the coat girl comes in and water spills outta her bullet holes after a drink
she has a confederate accent and she thinks frankie is name amstrong
hes a secret agent under cover (I think) and she seduces him
they go back to his place to b0ne
and under her coat is a shiny bikini
she keeps trying to b0ne him but he resists
is this a p0rn0?
also a guy is watching from a secret lair
and he works for Vincent price
vince bashes the minion for wasting her on frankie who he knows isn't rich
he reorients her and she turns French and p-ssed off and leaves
lol the minion is named igor
and hes a grave digger
and vice (dr gold foot) keeps insulting him
like megatron and starscream
he sends the coat chick after the real Armstrong and igor brings in a buncha bikini girls
she fakes having car trouble and wins over the real Armstrong
they make out and a cop asks Armstrong for his license
vince gives the bikini girls poison opera glasses that pop their eyes with poison blades
in case they have a gf
how random
I'd never expect dat
while programing them, the bikini girls start dancing and vine wants em to stop
meanwhile frankie is searching for the coat chick
he works for his uncle Donald(duck tales?!)
frankie don't like don calling the girl "a babe"
they work as investigators and he's 00.5
also hes not allowed a gun
and I think they're fighting communism
at night in some 60s place a caveman band plays and the coat chick dances to it
wait, shes with the Armstrong guy and getting him drunk
and vince and igor and supplying da booze
she nearly reveals she works for goldfood but he remote stops her
she agrees to marry him
also igor drops ice down a chicks dress and creaches in to remove it
this is like an anime
except its from the back
frankie reads a mag about the coat girl (number 11(not android 18)) marrying the guy
goldfoot gives 3 7 and 9 coats hats and poison glasses
igor makes number 12 but shes too manly and kicks his candy a55
later, 11 spend the wedding nite in different beds with Armstrong and gets him to sign things
but if they didn't b0ne after the ceremony its not a full marriage
like on my 600lb life where the chick is 2 fat 2 b0ne
she goes shopping and frankie finds her and ries to win her
goldfoot intervienes and in a tug of war, pulls her hand off and gets away
she goes with goldfoot and gives him the shares he signed over but she forgot power of attorney
frankie tells don but he don't buy it
frankie goes to goldfoot memorial park and its a graveyard
I love the colors in here
very bold and bright
he sneaks in and sees igor go in a hidden area in a coffin (which he goes down)
this reminds me of Scooby doo
]he follows the bikini girls to goldfoots lab where goldfoot made a girl for an italiano rich guy
he tells the 2 girls to win over an African diamond king and some other guy
they're married but he gave em a lipstick ray that will fry the wives
this sounds like something sailor moon or wedding peach would fight
11 is getting the chair as punishment for screwing up
frankie hides under a sheet and they mistake him for a body
after a clash, he gets away are books it
frankie gets to his uncles place and accuses the inspector (dons superior) of being igor
frankie goes to armstrongs place and reveals his woman is a robot
what about cutey honey?
they then get drunk offscreen and fill in the plot ofscreen
frankie hides behind a wall and 11 returns
she changes to a night gown despite it being day out and they make out
she has him to sign a paper, gets changed fast(cutey honey?) and leaves
igor shows goldfoot his invention; a boxing glove and arm in a case
later Armstrong gets frankie up from drunkness and reveals he signed it with frankies name
also 11 is punished by cleaning and getting shocked
is this a p0rn0?
frankie and Armstrong see the uncle don but he don't believe em
until he sees the robot hand
also goldfoot and igor have a lotta cash now from something
frakie and Armstrong(not the degrassi characters) return to goldfoots base and he drops em into his lair
goldfoot stops em with his traps and shows them his bikini machine
he uses a magazine to choose rich men to be husbandos for his robots
and uses machines to program them to match the husbands
11 comes in and Armstrong follows not seeming to know shes a mAchiNe
they have dinner goldfoot is so plesent and formal and respectful
except to igor
11 only speaks japanese now
I got some of what she sed
goldfoot shows paintings of his ancestors who were bada55
then why is he making sexy robots?
kinda less compared to being a pirate or attilla the hun's sensei
then he shows his torture chamber
now he's bada55
hes got an Addams family vibe to him
he shackes Armstrong to a wall and shoves frankie into a cage
igor threatens Armstrong comicaly
this reminds me of beetleborgs
hes gonna separate armstrongs head from body with a chai and collar
but gets his leg caught and goldfoot saves his a55
goldfoot threatens to turn armstromg into a "gibbering idoit" if he don't sign
he brings him upstairs and ties him under a pendulum(not the cr-ppy Yugioh cards(synchroes forever!!)
wtf was this from his corman poe movies?!
goldfoot calls igor but when getting frankies outta the cell, gets locked in and cuffed
frankie saves Armstrong (I didn't see where goldfoot went)
wait I think he was pushed by frankie off the edge
despite being able to yell to frankie b4, Armstrong cant talk with the gag
they get away and goldfoot frees igor
they take goldfoots car and its like kit from knightrider as its full of random gadgets
but goldfoot chases them on motorcycle
goldfoot remote detonates the car and they get in a red car
the chase scene is them infront of a rear projector or w/e as they act in a still car/motorcycle
ma this movie is fun
ooh, some scenes are body doubles in san fran sisko
reminds me of bullit
they ge ahead of godlfot and goldfoot goes down a tnnel into a streetcar(but is ok)
goldfoot and igor chase them in a small phaIIic car
gldfoot busts their red car somehow and they get away on a streetcar
but goldfoot and igor are on another streetcar
this reminds me of pee wees big adventure
they escape on a one ma motorcycle
also the streetcar goes off the track
they get in a boat on wheels and roll downhill
this is insane
I love it!
igor accidentally busts the streetcar with a grenade
goldfoot goes after em in a jeep but goes off a cliff
in a missle area
they gets blow apart
so... are they dead??
frankie and Armstrong get on a plane and 11 is dating the uncle don
and igor and goldfoot are on the plane
the credits roll with the theme by the Supremes and dancing wearimg black and on a black background
the end?
it sez ? on it
that was good
I had fun
good silly fun
really 60s
kinda like batman
camp and entertaining
for dr goldfoot and the bikini machine 2 i'd like for igor to use the machine to make himself smarter and overthrow dr goldfoot. gldfoot uses his bikini robots to prepare a counter attack to reclaim his empire as igor improves goldfoots machines into super items. also frankie and Armstrong try to find a magic item that can turn number 11 into a real girl but she can only have 1 of em so they fuse into 1 man with 4 arms and 4 legs like a table

Saturday, April 8, 2017

From Here To Eternity Review

note; spelling badly is mondo cool
from here to eternity
this is my review of from here to eternity
its based on a book I never read
if they made it into a manga I might check it out
but I do really read word books
I try but its not my thing
it stars Montgomery(oh, that's where GOMER comes from, montGOMERy) CLIFT,frank sinatrta and ernest bourgnine
gomer was in some other movies and ernie was in escape from new York, all dogs go to heaven, and spongebob
I'm not big on frank Sinatra
in real life he was kind of an a55 hole
but he was popular in public
like r fk
or to Canadians, david suzuki
is set during ww2 b4 America joined in
at an army base in Hawaii
ooh, burt Lancaster is in this
I keep getting him mixed up with burt Reynolds
BURT Lancaster and ERNEST borgnine
it starts with men marching
wtf theres a helen hunt in the credits
monty transfers over to the base and talks with frank sinatra
monty meets burt lancster and its revealed monty is the best bueglar on the island
he meets a higher rank guy and its revealed he left his last post cuz a worse guy got his job
the high rank guy brought monty over to be on his units boxing team
but monty quit fights
high rank guy (captain) ges out and they leave
monty and burt talk about how captain wants to become major and if he wins the boxing thing he has a shot
sounds like Yugioh gx
a blonde comes by(a guys wife) and burt and another guy comment on her
I think they thunk shes b0ning other guys
oh shes the captains woman
later captain and his wife talk at home
she seems malcontent and suspects hes b0ning other chicks
he sez it was an accident
he accidentally b0ned someone??
in the place the guys relax, monty plays pool and the guys want him to join the fight club
frank sticks up for him but is shot down
I forgot to mention monty iced a guy in a boxing match
like in rocky 4
if this were Yugioh or a shonen anime, he'd win back his nerve to fight after a friend was in danger
the next day monty is accused of marching cr-ppy and cis given personal training
later they practice assembling rifles
monty gets done 1st but screws up and has to run laps
later when practicing bayonet use monty trimps and has to run laps
frank whines and runs too
they get really sweaty and oily from running
I bet they stink!
later its raining and burt visits the wife
he needs to have captain sign papers
but he has a cold one at the place instead
lonely housewife
her husbands subordinate comes by
he's soaked from rain
this is how p0rn0es start
they talk for a while and she complains abourt her cr-p
just b0ne already!
realizing shes bnot gonna b0ne him, burt leaves bit she calls him back
then they make out
it fades out so its implied they b0ned
later its payday and they get some time off
frank gets monty to go to bars and clubs
burt talks to a guy about how they b0th b0ned the wife
at darker he meets the wife and she sez guys tried to pick her up and she thinks he thinks shes a tramp
she whines and so does he and the reveal they have swimsuits under their clothes
frank and monty go to a club that has soft drinks and h00kers
monty joins
btw the monty character is named "robert e lee prewit"
the s to a chick and sez hes joined the army for 30 years
frank p-sses off ernest borgnine and they argue
ernie is the guard of the stockade
monty breaks it up and a guy gets is chick
monty hassles him about cr-p monty cant do
wtf mAn
this guy's f'd
we get a scene of burt and the wife going into the ocean to swim
they used that to cover the guy b0ning the chick
monty talks with her and they go to b0ne
then w cut to the wife and the burt making out in the ocean
its just kissing and they talk about kissing
but I think in the real version its b0ning
he reveals he knows a guy who b0ned her
he goes mental over it
I don't see what his issue is
shes already cheeting on her husband
why is her b0ning other guys such a big deal to him?
she reveals she was married to the captain and he cheeted on her
but she was preggo
when she gave birth the captain as b0ning a dame
he came back drunk and blacked out
the wife lost her uterus and the baby
sounds like she should also hate booze
if it wernt for the booze he wouldn't have blacked out
but now she goes out b0ning guys as she cant have their illegitimate kids
but what she doesn't know is theres diseases
just wait until AIDS
back at the club, frank is drunk and leaves and monty explains his fight issue to the chick
its revealed the guy he wasted was his friend
wait, he didn't bit it
he was coma'ed and his eyes died after he woke up
this f'd him up
the next day a guy tells him the boxers are going all out now
we get a montage of scenes of them hazing him
kicking filthy water in his face
making him dig a hole then fill it
In the boxing place a guy spills a bucket of spit on monty and he cant take it
he sez no
the captain sends him up a hill in heavy gear and makes him hike back
but he still wont say sorry for saying no to the guy who spilled spit on him
so he is sent on another hike
captain is gonna court martial his a55 but burt sez to do something else so hes not in the stockade for da boxing tourney
onty is sent on cleaning duty
burt tries to get him to just fight
but he is a stubborn a55
also frank is gonna try for corporal
the guys go out to a bar and monty plays bugal really well
ernie comes in and makes a sexy comment on  a photo of framks sister
offended that someone is attracted to his sister, frank attacks ernie
ernie pulls a switchblade but burt steps in and defuses it
ernie sez he's gonna f up frank when he goes to the stockade
burt gives monty a weekend pass to see his chick
later he sez hes gonna meet frank later and leaves
in gundam this means ones gonna bite it
frank is then called for guard duty as the guy is sick and frank is too slow getting dressed
monty sees the chick but ses busy
gotta b0ne a lotta guys
but monty hasn't b0ned in a while
later she meets with monty at a bar
they talk about him loving the army but the army hating him
he has nothing else to do but join the army
then frank comes in drunk
turns out he skipped guard duty
wtf man
guards keep the place safe!
what if the commies attack?!
this guy's a j-rk off!
later hes shirtless in the bushes of a hotel area
he's probably nude with his thing flopping around in the real version
he then fights with 2 MP's
he gets court martialed
hope he gets the whip
gets 6 months in the stockade
they're gonna b0ne him dead
hes brought in amd ernest borgnine picks up a long black rod
he's gonna cram it up his candy a55
u ever read berserk?(the manga)
remember what hPPENED with Griffith!!
later monty is with the chick in her home
burt and the wife are out and he drives her home
they had to be evasive to avoid getting caught
she sez she can divorce her husband and he can become an officer to get away
but he don't like it
they bicker for a bit
he implies hes gonna do it anyway
also monty wants to marry the chick
but she wants to make enuff cash as a h00ker to get a house and real loife in he home state or oragen
later the captain is displeased his wife wants a divorce and thinks its a civilian(as she wont be bold enuff to date an ary guy
also a guy sez to monty that ernie is f ing up frank Sinatra
and frank just spits in his eyes
frank is in da hole and ants to escape
the spit guy hassles monty until monty fights
but monty wont go for the face as hes afraif of coma ing a guy
eventually he overcomes it with anger and kicks the spit guy's a55
the captain comes in and the army guys say the spit guy started it
but monty sez he wont fight
at night they play a blues song
monty is drunk and chats with drunk burt
the a jeep pulls up and then frank comes in after escaping
he hid in a car and fell out
he sez ernest borgnine beat the black offa him
and might be coming for monty
then he bites it
see you in h-ll Sinatra!
in the AM monty plays taps
to be fair, frank kinda brought it on himself
later monty gets ernie in an alley
ernie is civil and monty is malcontent
they have a knife fight
the fight eventually goes behind boxes and ernest borgnine gets stabbed in the uterus
monty gets away as ernie bites it
monty escapes to the chicks place and the army don't suspect him
the captain is court martialed for being a d-ck to monty
but is offered a chance to resign
the new captain ends the boxing things and the spit guy is busted and put on latrine duty
burt meets with the wife and her captain husband is going back to the states
but burt never signed and handed in the form
they break up
back at the chick place, monty is drunk and mental
later japan attacks pearl harbor
one guy gets shredded by gunfire
yet his suit is untouched
like with that scene in tim burtons batman where he opens fire on the joker
burt manages things
1 guy wont give the soldiers ammo until he gets orders
what is this?! shin godzila?!
they overpower him and get it
they fight against the planes and take one out
monty hears of it and goes out
his chick gives good reasons not to go
his wound isn't healed
they'd find out he iced ernie
he's AWOL
they'd send him to the stockade
but he don't care
hes in a daze
like he don't got a soul
she tries to stop him but he don't care
I think he hid his soul somewhere and his body is on autopilot
he runs around with a bleeding side and when the guars confront him, he runs
doesn't even say anything or identify himself
so they waste him
new captain(I think)(maybe not) and burt talk about monty
they identified him by his h00ker club card
burt sez to his body if he just boxed he'd be ok
but now theres no more boxing
later the chick and the wife are on a boat and she makes up a story about monty being a hero
then reveals its monty to the wife(who recognizes it)
the end
that was pretty good
watchable and well made
lotsa b0ning though
they don't say it
but its obvious
for from here to eternity 2 i'd like for it to have bee revealed that monty clift had transferred his soul into his chick's uterus to be reborn as her son. he returns to the base 20 years later for viet nam as he has all his memories from b4. but a new hot shot cool manly confident sexy eastern European recruit is a skilled fighter and wants to revive the boxing tournament as he's a tough fighter and wants to how hes a cool guy. monty's character and he new guy clash several times but each time its never resolved as something always interrupts it. eventually they go to viet nam and are captured by commies and the only way for them to escape is to have a battle against eachother and the one who falls is gonna be eaten by the commies alive.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Queen Of Outer Space Review

note; u cant make me spell right! this isn't soviet England!
queen of outer space
this is my review on queen of outer space
its a 50 movie with zsa zsa gabor
it starts with a rocket base and 3 astronauts gonna go on a mission
they gotta bring proff Konrad to space station A
what year is this?
later 1 astronaut whines about how his crew was the 1st to orbit the moon
and they shouldn't be wasted on this cr-p
btw 1 asternot is named neil
like neil arm strong
this movie predicted it
put it on the history channel
1 asternot sez bye to his blonde bimbo gf who's worried about him (blonde bimbo?? sailor venus??)
he kisses her goodbye
I assume they b0ned in the real version
they get ready to go and strap Konrad on A BED
they recline their chairs back and the rocket blasts off
but the blonde bimbo gf is right near the rocket launch
shouldn't she be burned or blown away?
also; why'd they let her on the base??
the next few mins are just them laying as the ship flies in the sky
they get up and Konrad tells his history
in 1957 was the 1st satellite
dat was 22 years ago
this is 1979?!
that's when h g welles went after jack the ripper
starring Malcom mcdowwel and david warner
in 1963 some other thing went up but I forgot
as they approach the station, lighr beams zap around and nuke the space station
Konrad(who designed it) sed' it had good men on it
I'm glad he cares more about them than his work
the light beams (VENUS CRESENT BEAM SMASH!!) Blast the space ship and it goes through a weird thing
the effects are kinda cr-ppy but lovable
u can tell how it was done and u wanna do it
after more minutes of spaceship and guys laying down, we get the opening credits and title
ben Hecht wrote this original story
after da rocket crashes into the snow on a planet
the men later wake up and they are only on a slight tilt
but they were horizontal when the ship was pointing up
and now they're on the side
they mention "automatic landing controls" and "artificial gravity"
they turn the gravity off and the gravity is 0.87
as the gravity is close to arth, the atmosphere should be breathable
to quote my black friends; my a55!
Konrad wants to explore b4 telling where he thinks they are
they go down and are in a planty place
looks like star trek
only then dos Konrad say they on venus
the crew sez science sez no
they say about what science sez about venus
they hear an electronic signal
they wonder about life on it
bug people
at night they set up camp and 1 stays up to stand watch
but its clearly light out
as they slep, chicks come out in small dresses
nowadays they'd be in bikinis
the guard wakes up but the chicks grab him
they take em prisoner and speak English
they notice theres no men
sounds like wonder woman
the guys find em hot
Konrad sez it might be a civilization w/o b0ning
they meet the venus queen who sez they studied their transmissions for years
the queen hates em (feminist??) and doesn't believe anything they say
they interrogate the men but don't believe their answers
she fears the men are gonna launch an attack on venus
sounds like left wing commies freaked out about trump
also the queen and high rank ones wear masks
in jail the crew suspect they beams came from veus and they're here for a reason
but one guy mocks the idea saying
how could women invent it?
u know how women drivers are
nowadays some disgruntled feminist would go mental over that
I miss the 50s
zsa zsa comes in wearing a red dress and sez shes against the queen
10 years ago(1969) venus fought planet mordo and won
but was mostly busted
the queen rose to power and banished all men to a satellite prison colony except a few she needed(scientists/math nerds)
also no one knows her true face
and she plans to nuke earth
she leaves but listens to em outside
wait, she just hid while the guards came in
the men suggest seducing the queen
but zsa zsa is jealous as she wants men
btw an amazon planet was used in Robotech II The Sentinels
did Carl Macek like this film?
the captain meets with the queen
she bosses him around and has wine with him
she tells him to tell the true meaning of coming to venus or hes getting iced
but shes getting lonely and leaning to being into men
she suspects the space station was part of a thing to attack em
she shows him the beta disintegrator
it busted the station and shes gonna use it on da urth
he tries winning her over (women need mens love) but when he takes off her mask, its all rotted!!
radiation burns did it in da war and she blames men
that's racist
she has him taken away and cries looking at her rotted face in the mirror
later the men say the radiation f'd her mind
but 2 chicks free em and bring em to zsa zsa
zsa zsa sez in 2 days queen gon nuke da urth
they have no life without love/children
nowadays some tumblr commies would freak out at that statement
the men hide and guards come in
but leave soon after
so good guys book it
a chick is captured and the queen defends her but something about a fire puff
I'm not really paying attention
the good guys get outside and the chicks who freed em get a bit lovey with the men
but in a clean 50s way
zsa zsa sez if they cant fix venus civilization, she wants to start 1 of her own with the guy shes into
that means b0ning
can their dna mix?
that's interspecies romance
like in Robotech
the next day they're stll escaping and hide in a cave
its full of gold
as in the whole planet
then a big rubber spider attacks A GUY
so they vaporize it
that was important
captain talks with his gf zsa zsa nd they grow closer
then they make out
the other guys make out
with chix!!!
and the Konrad goes out for more firewood
but he sees guards searching 4 em
he returns and they fake being caught by the chicks they like
they are brought back to he queen but the chicks hold her up
they say she has to free the men and stop trying to destroy the earth
she pulls A LAZER but the men stop her
they need the queen to give the orders
so zsa zsa takes her mask and gets one of her dresses
queen sez she could've rules the planet with the guy and if she was as pretty as zsa zsa she'd be loved
but if she\s awful inside, then looking good isn't worth it
its like a cr-ppy car with good paint
they tie up the queen and gag her
they plan to bust the disintegrator
but guards come in and queen knocks over a thing and the jig is up
queen takes off her mask and tries to kiss the main guy but he turns away
imagine if those sores were space aids
she don't wanna ice em til after she nukes da urth
in a few mins shes gona fire
but I thought they had 2 days?
she puts a image of earth on screen and sez it took "millions of years" to make but will be gone in seconds
looks like shes an evolutionist
she starts up the machine
but something goes wrong
the machine f's out
zsa zsa's resistance comes oyr and theres a girly fight
the queen gets cooked or w/e in the machine popping
just a burned bod
that's pretty bada55 for 1958
i think zsa zsa had her people botch it
later zsa zsa is da ruler and sez the men are gonna go home
they say bye and they don't want the men to go
but the men say they have to
they get communication to earth and the head guy sez to stay
he don't trust the patched up ship
they gonna send a rescue mission
its gonna take a year
the proff is happy to be surrounded by babes
they gon b0ne all year
the end
the credits show who played who with footage from the film and their names
I like dat
better than remembering names
that was a nice film
light, fun, bright, colorful, a bit offbeat and with a good cast
I also liked how clean it is
no swearing or nude scenes
theres a drop of blood from a head bump in a crash
and the queen getting cooked
but its otherwise not very edgy or dark
nowadays it would be full of swearing and b0ning and nude scenes and gore
this isn't violence jack!for queen of outer space 2 i'd like for it to be in the distant future year of 1999 and the kids of the 1st moves cast are grow up and headed out on a space mission. they go to mercury and find a race of centipede people that have been planning to take over the solar system. they escape and are followed and the centipede people  make it to venus. however they cat function on venus's gravity and bite it. realizing this, they just send some low rank warriors to mercury to kick a55 as mercury is a midget planet with low gravity and anyone living on it isn't used to normal planets like venus or mars(I mean earth) gravity. but the centipede people combine their bodies into a giant centipede and the low rank warriors gotta blast it in its joints to break it apart(as a final boss) its also a 16 bit sega genesis and super nes game with you being able to design your character and go through several levels on venus and mercury(plus a training level at the academy on earth)