Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Queen Of Outer Space Review

note; u cant make me spell right! this isn't soviet England!
queen of outer space
this is my review on queen of outer space
its a 50 movie with zsa zsa gabor
it starts with a rocket base and 3 astronauts gonna go on a mission
they gotta bring proff Konrad to space station A
what year is this?
later 1 astronaut whines about how his crew was the 1st to orbit the moon
and they shouldn't be wasted on this cr-p
btw 1 asternot is named neil
like neil arm strong
this movie predicted it
put it on the history channel
1 asternot sez bye to his blonde bimbo gf who's worried about him (blonde bimbo?? sailor venus??)
he kisses her goodbye
I assume they b0ned in the real version
they get ready to go and strap Konrad on A BED
they recline their chairs back and the rocket blasts off
but the blonde bimbo gf is right near the rocket launch
shouldn't she be burned or blown away?
also; why'd they let her on the base??
the next few mins are just them laying as the ship flies in the sky
they get up and Konrad tells his history
in 1957 was the 1st satellite
dat was 22 years ago
this is 1979?!
that's when h g welles went after jack the ripper
starring Malcom mcdowwel and david warner
in 1963 some other thing went up but I forgot
as they approach the station, lighr beams zap around and nuke the space station
Konrad(who designed it) sed' it had good men on it
I'm glad he cares more about them than his work
the light beams (VENUS CRESENT BEAM SMASH!!) Blast the space ship and it goes through a weird thing
the effects are kinda cr-ppy but lovable
u can tell how it was done and u wanna do it
after more minutes of spaceship and guys laying down, we get the opening credits and title
ben Hecht wrote this original story
after da rocket crashes into the snow on a planet
the men later wake up and they are only on a slight tilt
but they were horizontal when the ship was pointing up
and now they're on the side
they mention "automatic landing controls" and "artificial gravity"
they turn the gravity off and the gravity is 0.87
as the gravity is close to arth, the atmosphere should be breathable
to quote my black friends; my a55!
Konrad wants to explore b4 telling where he thinks they are
they go down and are in a planty place
looks like star trek
only then dos Konrad say they on venus
the crew sez science sez no
they say about what science sez about venus
they hear an electronic signal
they wonder about life on it
bug people
at night they set up camp and 1 stays up to stand watch
but its clearly light out
as they slep, chicks come out in small dresses
nowadays they'd be in bikinis
the guard wakes up but the chicks grab him
they take em prisoner and speak English
they notice theres no men
sounds like wonder woman
the guys find em hot
Konrad sez it might be a civilization w/o b0ning
they meet the venus queen who sez they studied their transmissions for years
the queen hates em (feminist??) and doesn't believe anything they say
they interrogate the men but don't believe their answers
she fears the men are gonna launch an attack on venus
sounds like left wing commies freaked out about trump
also the queen and high rank ones wear masks
in jail the crew suspect they beams came from veus and they're here for a reason
but one guy mocks the idea saying
how could women invent it?
u know how women drivers are
nowadays some disgruntled feminist would go mental over that
I miss the 50s
zsa zsa comes in wearing a red dress and sez shes against the queen
10 years ago(1969) venus fought planet mordo and won
but was mostly busted
the queen rose to power and banished all men to a satellite prison colony except a few she needed(scientists/math nerds)
also no one knows her true face
and she plans to nuke earth
she leaves but listens to em outside
wait, she just hid while the guards came in
the men suggest seducing the queen
but zsa zsa is jealous as she wants men
btw an amazon planet was used in Robotech II The Sentinels
did Carl Macek like this film?
the captain meets with the queen
she bosses him around and has wine with him
she tells him to tell the true meaning of coming to venus or hes getting iced
but shes getting lonely and leaning to being into men
she suspects the space station was part of a thing to attack em
she shows him the beta disintegrator
it busted the station and shes gonna use it on da urth
he tries winning her over (women need mens love) but when he takes off her mask, its all rotted!!
radiation burns did it in da war and she blames men
that's racist
she has him taken away and cries looking at her rotted face in the mirror
later the men say the radiation f'd her mind
but 2 chicks free em and bring em to zsa zsa
zsa zsa sez in 2 days queen gon nuke da urth
they have no life without love/children
nowadays some tumblr commies would freak out at that statement
the men hide and guards come in
but leave soon after
so good guys book it
a chick is captured and the queen defends her but something about a fire puff
I'm not really paying attention
the good guys get outside and the chicks who freed em get a bit lovey with the men
but in a clean 50s way
zsa zsa sez if they cant fix venus civilization, she wants to start 1 of her own with the guy shes into
that means b0ning
can their dna mix?
that's interspecies romance
like in Robotech
the next day they're stll escaping and hide in a cave
its full of gold
as in the whole planet
then a big rubber spider attacks A GUY
so they vaporize it
that was important
captain talks with his gf zsa zsa nd they grow closer
then they make out
the other guys make out
with chix!!!
and the Konrad goes out for more firewood
but he sees guards searching 4 em
he returns and they fake being caught by the chicks they like
they are brought back to he queen but the chicks hold her up
they say she has to free the men and stop trying to destroy the earth
she pulls A LAZER but the men stop her
they need the queen to give the orders
so zsa zsa takes her mask and gets one of her dresses
queen sez she could've rules the planet with the guy and if she was as pretty as zsa zsa she'd be loved
but if she\s awful inside, then looking good isn't worth it
its like a cr-ppy car with good paint
they tie up the queen and gag her
they plan to bust the disintegrator
but guards come in and queen knocks over a thing and the jig is up
queen takes off her mask and tries to kiss the main guy but he turns away
imagine if those sores were space aids
she don't wanna ice em til after she nukes da urth
in a few mins shes gona fire
but I thought they had 2 days?
she puts a image of earth on screen and sez it took "millions of years" to make but will be gone in seconds
looks like shes an evolutionist
she starts up the machine
but something goes wrong
the machine f's out
zsa zsa's resistance comes oyr and theres a girly fight
the queen gets cooked or w/e in the machine popping
just a burned bod
that's pretty bada55 for 1958
i think zsa zsa had her people botch it
later zsa zsa is da ruler and sez the men are gonna go home
they say bye and they don't want the men to go
but the men say they have to
they get communication to earth and the head guy sez to stay
he don't trust the patched up ship
they gonna send a rescue mission
its gonna take a year
the proff is happy to be surrounded by babes
they gon b0ne all year
the end
the credits show who played who with footage from the film and their names
I like dat
better than remembering names
that was a nice film
light, fun, bright, colorful, a bit offbeat and with a good cast
I also liked how clean it is
no swearing or nude scenes
theres a drop of blood from a head bump in a crash
and the queen getting cooked
but its otherwise not very edgy or dark
nowadays it would be full of swearing and b0ning and nude scenes and gore
this isn't violence jack!for queen of outer space 2 i'd like for it to be in the distant future year of 1999 and the kids of the 1st moves cast are grow up and headed out on a space mission. they go to mercury and find a race of centipede people that have been planning to take over the solar system. they escape and are followed and the centipede people  make it to venus. however they cat function on venus's gravity and bite it. realizing this, they just send some low rank warriors to mercury to kick a55 as mercury is a midget planet with low gravity and anyone living on it isn't used to normal planets like venus or mars(I mean earth) gravity. but the centipede people combine their bodies into a giant centipede and the low rank warriors gotta blast it in its joints to break it apart(as a final boss) its also a 16 bit sega genesis and super nes game with you being able to design your character and go through several levels on venus and mercury(plus a training level at the academy on earth)

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