Sunday, March 26, 2017

House Review

note; this movie is wried so my review is too
this is my review on house(1977)
it starts with werid animated titles like a cd game on sega cd
then these Japanese school girls like yuko and reiko in valis talk about going on summer vacation
they all have jllly pirate nicknames like in the crow
mac, gorgeous, sweet, kung fu, prof, fantasy, melody.
the filming is weird
like watching an anime
weird editing and camera angles
also its fast paced and lively
and has bright vivid colors
and its fullscreen
the main chick comes home and her dad sez hes got a new gf
she looks European
oh, the main characters name is gorgeous
the gf is a jewelry designer and is good at cooking and cleaning and mending c,loth
gorgeous don't like it and goes to her room with flowers painted on the walls
she looks through pictures  of her mom an has trippy flashbacks with shakey camera looking at b/w photos
at school the other chicks talk about girl cr-p
mac is the fatty
sweet isn't well explained
kung fu is the fighter chick
prof is the nerd
fantasy is some chick(I think in love with a teacher)
melody is musical
as the trip gets called off, gorgeous invites the gang back to her aunts summer place in her moms home town
a white cat starts following around gorgeous
this is how sailor moon starts
the gf decides to go with gorgeous as she wants to be a good mom
man theres a lot of fades and dissolves and zooms in here
the male teacher the chicks have a crush on trips down stairs comically cuz of the white cat and has to get checked out at the hospital
the cat is now named blanche
like blanche sweets
the chicks take a magnet train to saffron city I mean the country
on the train ride they look at blanche and fata55 mac keeps gorging
also she's not actually that fat
after my 600lb life, no ones fat
gorgerous tells the gang the story of how her ant's bf went to war and got wacked
its done with silent film style
kinda like a page of madness
she gives piano lessons to the neighbors and still lives in her grandma's home
they get to the stop and walk through the woods
theres a thing where it shows each chick and their street name
I just realized theres characters in here named blanche and sweet
they stop by a watermelon stand and find a fat a55 there
he recognizes gorgeous as the niece as she has the eyes
btw the backgorunds are openly fake
painted on
but look better than cgi
at the aunts place blanche is there and the aunt is in a wheelchair
one chick tries to get a camera picture but the cats eyes shine and the cam flies outta her hand and busts on the ground
mac reveals she bought a watermelon
they say; its a fat as mac!!
ur gonna give her an eating disorder!
or maybe she's gonna wind up o my 600lb life!
inside the place a chandelier drops glass spikes and kung fu kicks it away
melody plays the piano
aunt has lotsa pix of cats
an a plastic skeleton
grampa was a dr
aunt hasn't had many visiters in a while
in the kitchen its unused and the fridge is outta order
so mac goes to chill watermelon in the well
kung fu kicks in a door and a rat comes out
after finding out mac is called mac cuz she's always eating, aunt sez she looks tasty all round all over
Is that cannibal or queer?
maybe both
after dinner mac goes to get the mellon
she isn't seen again
1 chick checks on the well and when she pulls up the mellon its macs head
it talks to her
oh its fantasy
it flies around and bites her a55 hapilly
wtf am I watching?!
fantasy tells the gang and aunt can alk after "getting energy from the girls"
they check the well and its a melon
as they eat the melon, aunt has an extra eye in her mouth
yeah, that makes sense
1 chick is sweaty and wants to bathe
prof drinks well water w/o looking at it and its blood
sweet finds a doll saying her name
1 chick takes a Japanese bath and we see her t-ts for a sec
theres some freaky hair effects with her hair  going up her back
its done by moving it away and reversing it
kung fu in undies and a wife beater fights a log
aunt sez fantasy will see mac
we get weird scenes of aunt dancing with the skeleton and reversed footage an aunt eating a chick nd the cat mewing ad its all in tune to a 70s soft song
1 chick goes to a room and theres a triple mirror
she opens a music box with the same tune playing the whole movie
its like the theme in violence jack slum king/harlem bom ber
melody plays that tune on piano
and the skeleton dances behind her
the mirror chick puts on make up in the room
we get trippy effects in the mirror of the aunt being the reflection and young
the cats eyes flash and the mirror breaks and blood oozes out
then she gets covered in after effects of 70s style
as melody plays the cats eyes flash and the keyboard animates different colors
the cat goes to sweet and eyes flash
sweet is getting b0ned by the mattress and pillows
melody sez the piano bit her and gets a band aid
sweets missing and when one chick rechecks on melody she needs toilet paper
sweets clothes are there and theres a nude doll
prof sez the teacher she has a crush on is coming to save her
she imagines him on a white horse like that bonnie tyler song
they check the mirror room(oh it was gorgeous in it) and find her dazed and confused
the gang try the phone but in it is people calling for help
gorgeous sez its outta order
shes one of them!
she leaves em and the door locks
they gang tries to get out but everything shuts
they gotta beat the boss
gorgeous goes in the foggy outside and juggles glowing things
kung fu tries fighting the doors but they are too much
prof sez the doors might automatically close at night
everyone goes with this
they try asking her how to open em and find macs ribbon in a jar
melody plays music on piano
they hear gorgeous and go to find her
but melody cant stop playing
the keyboard is alive
it bites off melodies fingers
then her hand
then it freekin eats her
the effects are cr-ppy on purpose
and the blood is glowy
it looks like something kids do now in sony vegas
they find gorgeous in a Japanese white thing
kung fu sees gears turning and sweet is in it
I thik 1 chick went with goegoues and bit it
when they get back fantasy is iced
and melodys fingers are jumping on the keys
turns out fantasy just fainted
meanwhile, at a noodle shop the teacher eats noodles nd the noodle guy has a bear in uniform
prof reads aunts diary where she sez she knows her bf is still alive and will return
the house goes f'd and lips and eyes tell the surviving gang the aunt bit it and her ghost or w/e eats unmarried girls who come in to stay strong
the house starts weird floating cr-p and colored lights
so kung fu fights it
she tries phoning but the cord goes on her
so she busts the phone
she fights goegoues's ghost as the teacher cant find the bace
ku fu realizes the cat is the key to winning
she tries to bust it but a ight eats her
after trippy effects, her legs fly out and kick the cat poster
goregious ghost gushes blood and so does everything else
soon the tatami mats are floating in blood
teacher finds the watermelon man who sez the girls were eaten
h turns into a skeleton
prof falls in the blood and we see her t-ts as she swims
the last chick floats on a tatami mat and finds goegeouis
oh its fantasy
goegeous turns out to be the aunt who falls asleep with her head on the aunt/goegeous's t-ts
young aunt/goegeous's eyes flash
later the gf goes to the house and in the teachers car is banaNAS (he previously said he likes em) where he was last
like mANY 70s films it ends with slow moving and a love song
gf goes to the house(now fertile and planty) and sees gorgeous in the kimono opening the house doors
goegeous sez her friends are sleeping but will wake up when hungry
her eyes flash and the gf's had goes up in fire
then aunt sez some lovey thing about love
then the credits have a chick playing in front of the camera
an the credits going star wars scrolling into a cartoon house mouth
btw the house font reminds me of Splatterhouse
the end
that was fun
weird and zany and random
but fun
like watching a good anime
for house 2 I want the girls going through another dimension trying to reform their bodies as they are being turned into ghosts. a guy visiting the area finds the banana car an eats one and gets a spirit connection to the teacher and gives him spirit powers to travel dimensions to save the girls. b4 they tur into ghosts. he goes through each personalized dimension to save the chix 1 at a time and at any order. also after he saves 1, she can help him or save other girls. in the end they fight the fusion of the aunt and the cat to save those she turned b4. also its a platformer/puzzle game on sega genesis and snes and each girl has abilities used to get through other areas and you gotta beat the girls to save em

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