Sunday, June 30, 2019

Captain America Review

Note; I spell like a 40s american. 1840s!!
Captain America
This is my review on Captaoin America from 1990
It stars Matt Salinger (The son of J D Salinger), ronny cox from robocop,total recall and deliverence,, scott paulin who was Professor Cory Randall in 902210, Ned Beatty who was also in deliverence and Bill Mumy from twilight zone 1
its directed by Albert Pyun who did Cyborg with Van Damme, Kickboxer 2 without him, and kickboxer 4 also without him.
huh, this film was shot in slovenia
thats where my grandpatents came from after the war
reviews say this film s-cked
lets see if if do?
i havent seen it all the way through but here we go
so it starts in 1936 italy and we get credits as kids watch a guy playing piano at a family thing
then soldiers come in and take the smart kid they have
then waste em
later at a base they show the axis guys a rat made into a rubber puppet that looks better than cg
it was experimented on by axis magic science
to be fair; they did a lot of meth and did black arts
like j fk and lady gaga respectively
so they hook the kid to this machine like blanka in stteet fighter the movie with jean claude van damme and this chick scientist escapes
7 years later she made it to america under commie F DR's rule and has perfected the axis magic science to turn cripples into athletes
they used it to turn an italiano boy into the red skull and now america is gonna use it to make an army of super soldiers
the 1st; steve rogers, who lives in soviet california
btw, why doesn't captain america have more video games?
i got the genesis one captain america and the avengers
and the other one is captain america super soldier
both i liked
i mean batman games work well and captain america is like him
a man with more power and speed and skill than others but no ultra powers like flyin or lazer eyez
it would work better than superman
so steve's mom says bye to him and they have a party to see him off
b4 a photographe he goes to get his gf
so he sez bye and has a smoke (which soviet disney would never allow their good guys to do in this candya55 era) and they go to a cafe at night
the army guy with him sez a code and go into a secret door in da coat room to a lab in the basement
so the chick scientist prepares to gives him the treatment that the army guys say will heal his polio
his name is a secret and is only known as captain america to protect his loved ones
1 guy; he may not be superman but he'll be a living symbol of hat this country stands for
for captain america 2 i want him to fight super man and use a suit that uses magic to counter his sci fi cr-p
and only the chick dr and the general know the secret of the super soldier thing
so they microwave him or w/e and he asplodes into sloppy chunks
jk he is stronger
so a guy congradulates the dr, does a heil and caps her, b4 opening fire on everyone and the machines
steve-o takes him out by throwing him into the machines and cooking him but the italiano chick scientist bites it
so stevio is in the hospital for some reason and hears the army guys outside talking about a mission
he gets up and goes on it in fuill captian america outfit
the italiano dr made it for him cuz she loves america
and made the shield and uniforme outta some italiano magic science only she knew
what is this? the oxygen destroyer from godzilla 0001?
so cap lands in day and gets to his location at night
they spot him but his magic s.h.i.e.l.d. takes out the guard tower
wait, the red skullis italiano now?
at least they didnt turn him black and make his sister adopted
so cap fights through the nazies or w/e and faces zee red skull
red catches his shield (which can break down a guard tower) and throws it back into the concrete
so red foreman beats on cap and straps him to a rocket headed for F DR
btw red skull looks pretty good in here
cap grabs red's arm and tells him to stop the launch but they cant
red buttons trys to slice himself free but cap pulls him and he cuts off his own hand (ike aquaman did once)
btw, interesting idea to make the red skull an innocent kid turned bad
nowadays they either have them redeemed or have em bad from the start
so in washington, this little blone boy is out at night taking photographes and sees cap headed for he houe
cap kicks the rocket and it moves at the last second
he had all the time from italy to america to do that
so he winds up in alaska somhow
blonde kid has a photographe of him and tells his blonder friend who looks like the kid from a christmas story
also the parents from that are in this
so eventualy its the 90s and president kimball played by ronnie cox is elected and is a hippie who is gay for the envoronment
dick jones cares about nature
i knew he was the bad guy
he wants to cut solid waste 90% in 06 months
thats not possible
unless you just F over america and all its people
sounds pretty commie to me
also he's going to soviet rome for a hippie thing
also the red skull in italy is around somehow and is against the hippie kimball
oh and he's got a human face thats kinda f'd up
and he dont wanna assassinate dick jones kimball as it takes too long
as he took out j fk and r fk
well... they did have marilin monroe iced...
plus if they bite it they becomre martyrs
so he wants to mind control him with a brain thing
like in earthworm jim with santa
meanwhile in alaska some guys find cap and cut an ice block out with him in it to take to a base
but he busts out to inspirational music and walks out
later its in da news and kimblla recognizes him from that photography he took as a kid decades ago and for a split second
how'd they take dat photography of cap?
also red recognizes him from a paper photo and he has a daughter he wants to ice him
then in soviet canada he meets wolverine and they have a fight with no clear winner
jk thats something else
red jr is after him in a chopper and they somehow found him and send bikers after him
i think the bikers are ninja and ride their bikes through the woods
also for northern canada its pretty green
where's all the igloos and wooly rhinoes?!
so the bikers are chicks and fight cap and shoot at him bu this gov guy saves him by being there at the right time
cap isnt sure its true as it could be faked
gov guy gets a tape recorder made in japan and sez red is still around and got surgery to fix his face and is rich and has dark dealings and cartels and uses his pre war name (not johan schmit)
and kimball is his next target
and his car is a volkeswagon made in west germany
cap sez he's carsick and has gov guy pull over but runs back to the car and ditches him
captain america just carjacked a guy
and the guy knows red iced j fk r jk and m lk
better stop him before he gets diana
wait thats the brits
after getting in a truck after his car runs outta gas he thinks of his gf from the 40s
i think captain america might've known slave owners
or slaves
so hes in soviet california and sees 80s punks and a bikini blonde before going back to his 40s home
this blonde comes by and he thinks its his gf but she smacks him with a 6 pack
then his gf comes out with her husband and she's a geezer but don't look it
must be polish
we age slow
they hug and its kinda heart moving
she knew he was alive and kept the house
she waited for 16 years but married so she could have kids
later red jr goes all the way back to italy and wants some reporter to lead em to cap
btw does she have any powers from being red's kid?
did it give him magic j-zz??
meanwhile gov guy who i think is the reporter and i f'd up, gets caps info
he calls da prez and red gx is tapping that so she hears and goes to soviet california
just like austin powers, gf kid shows him vhs tapes of history to fuill him in on his frozen time
so repoerter goes to the home and gets capped by red jr as does gf's new man
cap realizes if he iced red green then none of the bad of history would happen
better get a time machine
then gf kid gets a call and she and cap go to gf's home and her dad bites it saying they kept asking where cap was
wait hes gonna be ok
and reporter is ok too
they just survived being gunned down like kanye west i mean  50 cent
but i think he bites it
then gf kid sees gf's bod in a bag
this just went mel gibson
hes gonna go braveheart
but good twist
you'd think her man would bite it and cap would get her back
at the hosptial they find the prez is captured by bad guys
probably dragon ninja
is captain america a bad enuff dude to rescue the president?
so cap goes back to where the diner was in the 40s and busts through the lady's room wall to get to the secret area
he finds the notes from the italiano scientist magician and the bad guys come in after em but cap and new gf hide
they sneak around but a bad guy gets the diary from the girl but dont waste her for some reason
cap takes em out with a metal led cover fighting in a dark room
its actually pretty cool
and dont need cgi
so cap gets back the diary and get away
new gf can read italy as she vacationed there and reads the item
italino magician sicntics never knew the kids name but knew his village and its location
so red foxx has president cohaigan and gave him drugs that need 0024 hours to work before the brain can have the implant
also red has took out predsident kirk douglas's transmitter from his tooth without him knowing somehow
so now cap and new gf are in soviet italy and he does the carsick thing again to keep her outta danger
btw thats a dinky little cr-pmobile
andre the giant could throw it in through the wall
oh and presidncit kimble took some acid and is using it on his bars
so cap goes to the place red grew up and new gf comes by and translates for him
at there they find a 30s recorder and they get it fixed to have sounds from the start of the movie
they get his name from it and at a cafe some chicks go by and open fire on em
cap saves new gf and they outrun a ferarri mustang as it busts a fruit stand
the car gets stuck in a arch and cap takes the guy out
then cap stops a biker and they escape on a bicycle and fall in the sea
no seinior! No italiano!!
si senior! El... I TA LI A NO!!
so new gf goes back and gets red 2's bag and uses her cr-p to find out about red 1
so they drive to reds place but are followed and stop on a hill
they gets out and she drives off to lure em away but is caught and i think they all b0ned her
so they put her in a cage in the castle and leave her alive for some reason
and red II gets the audio tape gf 2 made of the start of the movie
red the 1st talks to da prez and sez he has 20 mins b4 he puts it in him
then goes away
cap puts on his super suit he had in a bag the whole time as prez kicks open the acide damagede doore and escapes
the guards notice hes gone and search as cap climbs in da castle
so on da roof of the castle like in yugioh red and the boys catch prez
but he tries suicide to stop red from using him by jumping
but cap catches him and prez reveals he knew him and cap remembers him
capo gives prez this medal or something that should mean something but i dont recall as i've been watching this on youtube over several nights
cap tells him to hide but prez wont ditch captain america and they fight together
after cap crushes 2 men under a castle ceiling he hit with his shield, prez calls for help on a walkie talkie
also he meets the general whos played by the dad from a christmas story i think and sees hes a traitor and slugs him out
nowadays the media would bash him for slugging out a traitor
so cap faces the skull and skyull sez he's not a fit for this era and they will see who is better
well skull is like 70 and cap is like 30
b4 they fight prez seez a guy gonna cap cap and takes a hit in the arm from him
cap and prez take out his gun and new gf and new skull fight
then cap and skull fight and prez fights some no name gunman who he kills with caps shield to the head
probably split his skull and his goo spilled out
new gf slugs out new slull and cap beats down skull
skull crawls to a machine gun as cap just stands there and preaz throws caps shield to him to block
cap goes after skull and new gf is gonna cap new skull to avenge her mom
skull gets a deton8r and is gonna nuke europe somehow
well... maybe its for the best
new skull gets away when red 1's gunfire spooks new gf and goes to show red the audio
new skull caps cap's arm and new gf taclkes her and she's done
skull opens fire on new gf but every shot misses
cap plays the audio and skull can hear it from so far away and has viet nam flashbacks
so he sez both him and cap are f'd and tortured and is gonna send em both to h-ll
which is a good way to look at ww2
my grandpa served in the slovenian homeguard fighting the commies
after fleeing slovenia for half a century he returned and met a guy from the commies
they said both were decieved into thinking they were fighting for justice and hope and against evil
see Joyeux Noel the WW1 Christmas Truce movie for more about that
this movie got deep
and not just cuz my ancestors were in ww1 and ww2
so cap throws his shield and it nocks red off a cliff
then returns and takes out red jr
it dont show the impact so i think off went her head
cap killed a woman
won't see disney doing that
then the troops come in and we get a voice over saying the environment thing went on and he prez got his way
then credits to good 80s music thats sorta  moving and inspirational in a pro america way
the end
man theres a lot of eastern europeans in here
but i thought that was pretty good
kinda cheesy but it works
its not dark and gritty and mean and low color
its bright and sunny and fun
its enjoyable and positive
even the bummer moments arent as dark as its got color and light
yeah the new marvel movies have better effects and acting
but this is just a good time
its got an 80s feel
and yeah its got flaws
but they don't ruin the film
plus it had stuff disney didnt have the chutzpa to put in
although they did have people shredded into mush by propellers
its got heart and good feels
like movies we had when I was a 90s kid
for captain amaerica 2 i want president kimballs environment plan to have ruined the economy. with all conventional ways of making things banned, things got too expensive to make and 90% of companies went. with no jobs and production stopped, most of the world has devolved into a wasteland of cannibals and degenerates. captain america knows he has to get people to the soviet union who didn't sign the thing and fight off prez kimballs troops and eco commies who grind up and eat people to stop them from making carbon dioxide by breathing. also the red skull survived the fall and turned good from the brain damage undoing the effects and is now working with cap to save america by stopping kimball before he ruins the whole world. its also a 2 player beat em up on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you fight across the rotting cities and cannibals and mech's made of the bones of people sacrificed to save the planet.

Friday, June 28, 2019

My Favorite Brunette Review

note; i spell like a bloncde. cuz i is! homie!!
my favorite brunette
this is my review on my favorite brunette from the distant futee year (to the confederates) of 1947
its has bob hope, Dorothy Lamour from creepshow 2 (and she b0ned j edgar hoover), peter lorre, lon chaney jr, john hoyt from flesh gordon,
its directed by Elliott Nugent who did the 49 great gatsby
it starts in san quenton where a guy is gonna get the needle
its bob hope
imagine if it was a vaccine and gave him autism?
so he gets a chance to tell his story and some chick gives im a cigarette
nowadays, that lighting and smoking it would give this film an automatic R rating like if they said "Imma f--k you dead" once
so he tells is story about how he was a baby photographer who was trying to make a chinese baby smile
maybe they gave him a flu shot and it turned him?
the kid bites his finger
i think hes gonna row up cannibal
he has the taste for men!
aso he's a private dick
40s slang fore detective
he wants to be one
but this bada55 across the hall of his studio wont have him as a partner (that sounded wrong)
so bada55 is going to soviet chicago for a few days and wants bob to answer his phone
so this chick comes in and needs his help and he fakes being a private dick(that too sounds wrong)
her husband is a cripplino but vanished
if she trys the cops they'll ice him
and she ants him to find out who they is
king of the hill clip; sir, we are they
dale freaks out
oh and she's a baroness
what is this? the 1800s?
so peter lorre hears them saying hes a dtictive and sneaks off w/o being seen
he pulls a gun on a lady getting off the elevator
she goes to a car and drives off
so bob goes to this address the chick game gave him and theres a guy there who goes n
peeder lorry is there too and lets him in and slips off his gun and holster
the chick is there playing piano and singing like dana in robotech with minmei or janice or lancer
she tells him her husband is really her uncle and this major her uncle trusted is up to something
then major comes in and is kind of a texas
so chick goes to answer the phone and major sez he knows his real name
a;lso uncle is there and faking being caught
also the guy out there is a shrink
they tell him chick is mental and they cant show her the baron as it would shock her
she thinks shes in danger and baron is captured
also shes really his wife
major wants a map she gave him but chick comes back
she sez she got a call from uncle who sed he was safe and holds a knife around as she chats
he sez he's got a date with j edgar hoover (who her actress b0ned) and she figures out they told him something
he bends to her after a kiss (which sounds wrong) and tells him to guard da map
he leaves and realizes he dont got his firearm
he looks in a wndow and uncle is walkintg and he knows the dame aint bugs
he snaps a photography and eascapes
they go after him in a car chase and its night eventually
they were driving for hours and didnt run outta gas
eventually they shoot out his tire and he hoofs it
he gets into a building by ringing all the bells saying "hi honey! this is joe!" and all the dames in the hood ring him up
joe was b0ning everyone there
huh, the director of this wrote the talkie remake of the unholy three (which sounds like a p0rn0(and not just cuz its got a midget and an ape))
he gets out the back and gets away
at his place he develops the photographies and calls da cops
but peeder lorrie knocks him out and burns the photographies
he wakes up and the asian chick from b4 and he gves her the negatives and tells her to get em done elseware
he goes to the mansion with da cops but peeder is da gardener who dont know anything
the place is unlived in and the cops are gonna put cagny i mean hope away
cops to peter lorre; ur not bad for a foreigner
nowadays that would give people episodes
so bob goes up this tree to sneak around after da cops left and sneaks in a window
peeder keeps truying to have bob find a ring but bob keeps missing it
eventually he finds it and theres a note that sez where he thinks she is
he burns the note(well, lorre does it as his lighter is a cr-pmobile) and goes there
he thinks its a resort but its really a nuthouse
he layz golf with some crazies who use imaginary balls
a workjer grabs him and takes him to the dr
he trys to prove hes not crazy by patting his tummy and rubbing his head at the same time
only he's not good at it
so the dr is really peter lore and friends and major comes out in a towel
bob didnt have the map on him and they interrogate him with blackjack blows to the skull
chick tells em the map is hidden in a water cooler in some place and they ock em in and go to check it out
her uncle gave her a cig with a message in it to find someone
she knew as uncle dont smoke
so he the guy wjo took him to the dr (a big dumb nice guy probanly played by lon chaney II) brings bob food
bob gets him to bend the window bars open but he bends em back b4 leaving to be neat
holy cr-p the baron is played by the guy from orphans of the storm, the man who laughs, captain blood and casablance(Frank Puglia )
so a fat chick who's not hot comes in to get chick her food (to turn her fat like her?) and gets knocked out and clothes swapped by chick
they sneak out but peeder lorry and lon chaney gx are cramming for a citixzenship test
he sees bob and throws knifes at him as bob hides behind the golf guy
backdoor bob gets away and chick and him go off in a car
but it makes a lot of noise and the goons see em
they get away but bob want out
he shows her he's really a baby photographer and was faking being a private dick
he gives her the map and tells her bye
but she's wet from being out in da rain and he lets her stay the night
huh, the warden was Willard Robertson who was in dr x, I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang, and the 35 dante';s inferno
so they make out and the asian mom comes by saying she got the wrong negative
but he leaves b4 seeing it and its the baron outta his chaire
so they go to a high end restaurant as mcdonalds wasnt invented yet and show a guy a map
he sez da real baron has an appointment with washington and i think they have a fake baron going
the msconalds guy sez he made the map as he's a geologist and made the map and its the location of a huge deposit of a thing that makes uranium
then i think peeder caps the mcdonalds guy from behind in the backseeat and takes the map while bob checks the tires thinking its a blow out
he's at the police station and the cops think he did it as he books it
so he and chick sell a ring and go to washington in disguise as gagny i mean bob is wanted for the icing of the mcdonalds guy
at the hotel he hears the agent is gonna see the baron on the 14th floor
he tries to get a room on it but its a detective convention and he fakes being a brit to escape being fingered
he goes in disguices as a harlod lloyud like bellboy but has to carry bags for the bad guys
he covers his face and avoids being seen
so the real baron hasnt told them the code and bob chats with lon chaney jr
he trys to tell em he saw bob but the bad guys dont wanna hear as they are busy with code
in his room with chick he finds a voice recording machine and she brings in a recording machine dressed as a maid
the major sez if she gives him the code to the map he'd let her go
she asks lorry if he iced mcdonalds guy but he admits it
then bob comes up and pulls a piece on them (that sounds wrong)
they kick the gun outta his hand and he tries to escape with the tape i mean record
then the cops come in and the bad guys out bob for wacking the mcdonalds guy
but they switched the record on him and its a song
also the chick vanished
they take bob away and now we back at the start and he's getting the gas
so they are gonna put him to sleep but baron is there and so is the chick
the photo of the fake baron walking saved him and caught the bad guys
the guillotine is called off and bing crosby is the guy who was gonna do it
the end
that was fun
nice twist of noir films
good gags good acting and writing and good entertainment
i liked it and its just a fun clean 40s comedy
clean, wholesome and lite
good fun
for my favorite brunette 2 i want bob and the chick to be married and have some kids who are teens and bob is getting into the detective business. but its the 60s now and the hippies are inhjecting people with drugs to turn them into junkies. realizing that there's more to this than it seems as hippies arn';t smart enough to come up with a plan like this, bob and boys go to investigate. turns out; its the commies who are trying to destroy america from within with evil. also its an 8 bit game on sega master system, nes, gameboy, sega game gear, turbo grafx 16 and atari 7800 and you play as bo but can change control to your teen sons to fit into smaller areas or send one to swim  as he and the other one never did.

Sunday, June 23, 2019

Pretty Bird Review

Note; i spell bird bad
pretty bird
this is my review on pretty bird from 2008
its got billy crudup, paul giamatti, kirstin wiig and a bncha guys i never heard of
it starts with text about the rocket belt, a sci fi thing they tried to make in thre past but didnt work
and this is based on fact but the story is fake
after a guy falling at the beach, we get credits of olde timey video of going through clouds in sepia tone
i never saw or heard of this b4 but according to wikipedia people hate it
so blly goes to a place and meets his best buddy who has a girly voice
billy wants to use his homie's funds and owned places to do something
homie consents
then billy calls around looking for a rocket scientist
he finds paul giamatti and asks over da phone if he had a dream of flying
paul sez he was a pilot billy wantas him
later billy meets paul and billy shows him scamatics
of a rocket pack
paul gets b--chy over the restaurant not having sausage patties
later paul comes by billys place and billy shows him a james bond foilm with a rocketpack
remember rocket knight adventures?
that was a good game
we need a new one thats good
so he wants to make a rocket belt and got blueprints rom the library
and paul knows of it
they set things up and make a list of what they need
then go around setting up company things like its name or promo cr-p
later billy is pitching to a guy who dont care for his model and wants the legs to retract
is he a transformer?
later billy dates a girl who likes the exorcist cuz her son got barfings when she 1st saw it
and if the fam in there could get through it, she can get through er son barfings
while paul is f ing with the jet pack, the date ends and billy takes the chick home to her son
they make out but she has him go b4 she b0nes him
later paul sez da blue prints are incomplete but crud up dont get why that matters
billy tries to inspire him by talking abouit alan oppenheimer (or whichever oppenhewimewr made da nuke)
so paul gets the jetpack working sorta
later paul b--ches at billy for not giving him credit on his pamphelts
they bicker over billy thinking he has charm that gets cadsh and billy keeps mentioning how paul went to college
so paul tells billy he finished it nd later they test it
it works
later billy sees his homie ho's running outta cash
later paul cant pay for his cr-p and wants to justy leave the maxed out card while he gets cash and they dont let him have it
so after a small montage i didnt pay much attantion to, billy is packimng up and wants paul to go home
paul goes in and some suits come in looking for billy
they comment on pauls swearing but in the tv ver he sez heck
paul scares em away with a fire extinguishers aimed at em
paul confronts billy over making back door deals with others in front of homie
after that dont work out he tries to sue billy for ownership of da jetpack
and homie cant getta lone as he just p-ssed away a lot of money o a jerpack
later billy took da jetpack and paul confromts him over it bit billy walks off
at home he gets his gun and wants to go postal
but acidentally caps his wife
later paul goes to the place they wortk but is a just a note saying s-ck it
he goes to this blondes place who sez hes not been around
he tells her to look out and implies hes a cop
then he goes to homies place and homie is cheerful the hole movie but paul wants him to accept billy betrayed them
he wants to get da jetpac back but homie wont betray billy
homie books it to billy and wants them to meet
billy gets b--chy over his company f ing out and not getting respect
i went to get my soup but when i got back homie was on the ground and billy drove away
larter billy gets a call from an invester about the jetpackl
he goes to meet em and i think he was flying a bit b4
he is captured and put in a box qand interrogated about de jatpnct
later he's let out and its revealed he pood a 1/4 pounder
also paul is on the bot they on and i think homie is too
paul sez he was in da box for 8-5 days
billy sez is dad was da janitor at an engininering fiem
psul sez sorry and hugs him but billy still wont tell wher the rocket pack is
in the tv version paul calls him a monkey farmer
billy b--chcakes jumps off the boat and coms on the shore as the filme started
later at night paul eggs a boat in a driveway
on da beach a ball hits billy and a big black dog barcks at him
then text sez da rocket belt was never seen again
the end
that was offbeat
not bad
sorta subtle in humor
entertaining and interesting
reviews said it s-cked
i didnt hate it
its not a big budget belly laugh movie
but its got spme good stuff
theres not a clear good or bad guy
sorta like robotech
it had some good twists and i 0nestly didnt know how it would end
it didnt have much music and the lighting was kinda low but i enjoyed it
it fit
if he made the jetpack once, why not just build another?
is this like earthworm jim where professor monkey fir a head cant make a new suit cuz his monkey ate the blueprints?!
for Pretty bird 2 I want paul gimatti to consult a user of the black arts to find his jetpack. she says she wil if he gets her a magic jewel. so he goes off to find it but the one who has it needs something in return. so he goes on a big trading sequence to find item too item to trade for the chance to get back his rocket pack. also its an 8 bit game on sega master system and game gear, NES, gameboy, tg16 and atari 7800.

Sunday, June 16, 2019

The Homesman Review

note; i spell horse. canadian horse!!!
the homesman
this is my review on the homesman from the distant future year (to the characters in it) of 2014
its got hilary swank and that malcontent meryl streep.
also jon lithgow and james spader
its directed by tommy lee jones from captain america the 1st avenger and was produced by luc besson who also did taken and some frenchie cr-p
its set in the dustant futuristuc year of 1855 (to the castlevania guys) and oh tommy lee jones stars in it
so over opening creditz we get swank working the farm in this mad max wasteland but less color
its all gray and dead
remember gone with the wind? it had bold vivid colors.
might as well forget that happened as now its all cr-ppy
i blame high def
so some guy comes by and she givres him a pie made of peaches from a can
it was a big deal in the slavery days
also she plays a fake piano and sings and he gives her some cheese
man, things were cr-ppy then
and the film is just starting
nowadays all these teens whine about little problems and people back then were so happy with the little things
little c-ck suckers
so she asks him to marry her and he don't wanna cuz shes too bossy
they try to make him look bad for that
yet if a girl had the same view on a guy she didn't wanna marry she'd look justified
then we see people on a farm where the animals bit it
then they throw a body outside in the winter
was that a flashback?
h-ll if i know
its not really clear whats when
later swank chats with jon lithgow about her doings on the farm
later we see this ugly guy b0ning thois chick and later she has a little baby she throws in the outhouse
thats kinda awful
that kid did nothing wrong
later jon wants people to go on a mission and 1 guy dont wanna go cuz hes needed on da farm
they need to escort these chicks across some trip
they draw beans and they want the guy who left to go
swank dont rust him so she volunteers cuz she can ride as well as any man
well, lillian gish was better with a gun than most men
and not just the gon-phobes
so later swank chex out da wagon for da trip and its newly tuned up
there's a bolt in a door to lock it to keep em from getting out
the rider guy sez sswank's as much a man as any man there
is that a ref to her movie boy's dont cry?
i thought this was a historical film
its like if michael j fox was in a samurai film and they say "you'll be better in the future"
I mean it works in double dragon cuz that movie isnt srs
so later swank goes out and jon (who's a priest) meets herand says a prayer.
thats nice
meanwhile, some guys want the house tommy lee jones has and drop a thing in the chimney that blows out the windows and doors
he survives this
tommy sez the last owner abandoned it and he filed papers
rather than just pop a cap in his a55, they string him up and leave him with a horse under him
eventually swank fins him and makes him swear to follow her orders and frees him to work as her slave
they go by the house and swank tells him the owner went back to get a wife
so he gets his cr-p and go to her home
she tells him of their mission and he dont care for it
also this foreign fam from b4 who threw the body out are kinda going crazy
later this chick (i cant tell who's who as they all dress the same and we dont getta good look at their faces) sez they outta corn and gotta burn cobs
later tomme hides in the wagon so he wont be recognized and has swank buy ammo and booze
she puts bank notes for 300$ in an envelope and sez she'd mail it to their destination for him
but keeps it in her clothes
they find a 19 year old wife to a 21 year old man and sghes a vegetable
as they drtive away the husband b--ches at her for not loving him
then they pick up a crazy chick who acts like a werewolf
they gotta keep her tied up
the husband here recognizes tommy and tries to cap him but swank pulls a gun on husband and tommy b--chslaps him
then we see the foreigners b0ning and theres a vegetable woman in the bed with em
european p0rn0 is weird
then swank gets to this family placy and the moms mental
after getting her and comforting the kids they drive on and 1 of em is moaning
on the way swank tells her backstory and i guess those were flashbacks as they match her story
later its snowing (or maybe it raned cocanum) and they have the mental patients out and get em breakfast
i chick is banging her head on da wagon wheel
1 crazy chick has a doll she cares for like a kid
after bathing em in a stream and a scene of a chick going kinda qweird with her t-ts, they go on and find indian corpses on wood things and tommy takes 1 buffolo hide from 1
later tommy tells a story that i dont really get cuz he uses rancher lingo
later they see some indians and tommy goes to meet em
he gives swank a gun and sez if they ice him she can cap herself and the women so they wont be b0ned dead
tommy gives em a horse they'll probably eat according to tommy and they go on
later the chicks fight over the doll and 1 kicks the other in the face like chun li
late either a horse or girl gets away and they look for her
turns out it was a girl and they find her with a cowboy who wants to b0ne her and tommy confronts him
they agree to fight over her and winner gets her
sounds like a bad jrpg
the fight and tommys losing so the chick caps cowboy in the head
later they find a hole in the ground and tommy sez indians dug it up for the clothes
maybe wolves
oh its a grave
swank stays behind and fixes it up and prays
then rides back on a horse tommy left her
along the way it snows and she eats wild plants
when she finds em she gets all b--chy and whines
later swank suggests marrying tommy but he sez he tried farming with a chick but ditched her after he got sick of it
tommy sez he deserted from the dragoons (or so THE LEGEND goes)
later a chick tries to seduce tommy and they b0ne
wat i think its swank
and the crazy chicks watch
europe hAS weoird p0rn0es
i mean soviet europe
later sank hung herself and tommy tells off the crazy chix for driving her to it
after berrying her tommy ditches the crazies and goes off
but the chix follow and tommy looks after em
btw does hilary sank die in all her films?
i now she bit it in boys dont cry and amelia
shes like a 20th century lon chaney
later tommy comes by a hotel and wants baths and food
at there he meets the owner who's james spaders (and the giant peach(the peach is his b0nar))
james sez hes got investers coming and they cant spare em a room
to be fair, its his place and he shouldnt bre forced to have people he dont want
he sees the women and they're crazy and he turns em down
tommy pulls a gun on him burt james homie pulls one on tommy and kix his a55 out
tommy lewves and sez them doing this will f em up and make their food block their poop chute and they're die in their own sh-t
real classy
as he goeshe drives over their signs and comes back at night to torch the place
what a b--ch
huh, this was based on an 1988 novel
so eventually he gets to the jon priests place and tells his wife swank bit it from a fever
he drops the chix off and the wife of priest jon gives him a blessing
after getting cleaned up he goes to a card game but is kicked out for not being "socialy acceptable" what ever that means
later he gives advice to haily steinfeld and asks her to marry even though hes like 50 years older than her
later he goes to a party at night and dances.
the end
that was pretty well made
it was dark and depressing but it wasnt horrible
it showed how the imperfect people in that era lived
sorta like how Mel Gibson's The Passion showed how dark it was back then
i liked this but not in a fun away
its like schilndlers list or hotel rwanda
showing history as it was
its a good well made movie that shows what people suffered through to let us have our lives now
like saving private ryan
I didn't see her suiciding coming
good twist
sorta like psycho but not so soon
for the homesman 2 i want tommy lee to go on another mission to get crazy women back to their homes but one of the women has psychic powers from beign crazy and can make things melt with her mind. she gets loose and starts melting people and they have to ezsscape through town and mountains and caves to get awy. also its a 16 bit game on sega genesis, snes, Atari jaguar tg16 and gba where you play as tommy lee and get through this h-llscape of a burning city and wasteland and caves and mountain and fight cannibals and wild animals and Indians to get away,.

Thursday, June 13, 2019

As You Like It Review

Note: i spell like a55 as shakespere is usually a55
as you like it
this is my review on as you like it from the distant future year (to shakespere) of 1936
it stars Laurence Olivier rom wuthering heights and clash of the titans, sophie stewart from Devil Girl from Mars and felix aylmer from the iron duke and rhodes of africa
its directed by paul czinner and the script was worked on by peter pan creator j m barrie who was aparently still alive in the 30s(i didnt know that(i learned))
and its edited by daviv lean
ive never seen this before but i wanna do this one
also it was on a few dayds ago but i was gonna review the cold light of day so i put it on holde
after credits like paper from the castlevanai or robin hood days, we get some outside skys that look colored
but it turns outits just blue tint film
so a guy called oralnda talks to some geezer about all the cr-p his dad left him
orlando cant take it working for da man but oliver his big bro comes by and orlando gets b--chy over big bro getting the lions share of the inheritance
orlando keepts talking of his dads spirit in him growing stronger
i think hes possessed
after orlando grabs and holds olivers coller (which is assault in soviet new york) he storms off
later cousin oliver meets with the duke (not the g i joe guy0 oh wait, he's talking about the new duke how the past one kciked his a55 to the woods
and this fata55 wants to wrestle with olranda for his love oliver
oliver wants fata55 to ice orlando in a raslin gone wrong
btw oliver is kinda fruity
not sure if its the brittihs or the shakespere
later ceilia meets rosaloind who omma call roz and they talk about boys they crush on
i only know the names as i got the closed captions on and read it
eventually a frenchie comes by and takes em to a carvinal with a fat muscle man (stongfat?!)
after hollywood hulk hogan, this guy aint so big
the girls see olanrado and got the hots for him
ohhhh, strongfat is fata55
so orlando jabbers on about his cr-ppy life and eventually wrtestles fata55
at least its not mma where it looks lik 2 centipedes b0ning
they just grapple standing up
put him in the camel clutch!
so oliando wins and it takes several men to carry fata55 away
so fred who is a big a55 ruler or something finds out olrando is the son of his dead enemy and goes off to j-rk off on the floor
and roz's dad liked orlandos dad
so the chicks give orlandoa necklaces and roz is gay for him
so afetr the chicks go, frenchie tells orlando roz is the kid of the beat duke and the other is the kid of the current duke
i think fred is da duke
not the xbox controller
also orlando is gay for roz
so after more girl talk, duke fred comes in p-ssed at roz for being a traitor or something
ceileia sez if roz is a traiort then so is she cuz they slept in the same bed or something gay
duke dont care and wants roz banished
remember in yugioh zexal how vector executed all his men and did seppuku?
in the dub they said he banished his men and found himself banished
in fact, zexal said banished instead of iced a lot
so celiac and roz run away together in the woods
is this robin hood?!
in da woods, past duke whos new dukes bro leads his merry men in a clean, bug and draft free place without damp soggy a55
they live happy and play music and dont worry about cannibals or robbers or purvurts
are they in a castle? o the woods?
it seems like both
dungeon forest like dexters lab monsters and mazes
so the chix ran away to da woods and new duke thinks olnanda is connected
later geezer warns olanarda thot oliver is gonna ice him
they book it
in da woods, the chixks and their frenchie are b--ching about how walking is hard and frenchy is really fruity
not sure if its the french or the shankesm[oere
btw the backgrounds are sorta german espressionist
later sylvious and some dink walk by as the chicks are there and roz is dressed like a dude like in queen christina
a sheppard sylvio chatted with takes them to past duke who rambles on about some clock cr-p or something
orlando shows up for no reason and wants a swordfight or beybattle or something
but past duke dont wanna fight and lets him have free food
olnaoda is moved by past dukes non a55 holery and is nice
after past duke goes on a long wordy monologue about life
sometime later, new duke is p-ssed at not finding orlanda and takes all olivers property until he finds him
in america that wouldnt happen
we have property rights there
but in soviet england or w/e the h-ll this takes place, humans havent evolved into rights holders
also olinAINGEWo is stabbing innocent virgin trees with his big blade to carve his words of love to roz
imagine if this was a sci fi movie and he carved them onto a lesser alien race?
or if this was england and he carved em onto irishmen?
oh and he writes on paper too his love for roz
its like a devientart post about someones lust for their fave sailor scout or bleach grl
frenchie keeps talking in rhyme and roz keeps smacking him as they laugh
sado masochism
common among the french
sadism was named after famous french author the marquis de sade, best known for his novel, the 120 days of sodom
its like the human centipede in castlevania times
so roz and celia dance and sing and hug and act like lesbians while talking about the love note guy
then reaize its orlando and at some point i think olrando meets oliver but i wasnt paying attentuion
also roz looks like georges future wife from seinfeld
so roz meets orlando and he thinks its a guy
how can he think shes a chick?
is he professer oak?
meets a kid; are you a boy or a girl? also: what's my grandsons name??
I'm not sure hes fit to be a pokemon prof
so they go on for a while about her wanting to cute his love
later frenchie is chatting with some redneck girl and it fades out as he rubbs her hair
i think in the real version they were b0ning
later the chix are waiting for olanda and some guys come by in the background
also roz is not open with her dad about being his kid
to be fair, cross dressing is a good way to hide
look at robotech
lancer was a wanted man so he faked being a female singer
no one would expect it
its like if madonna was really gacy
later synvio sawatari is with redneck and i think it was him b0ning her b4 2
so roz eventually meets olianga and has him call her roz and fakes being a man being a woman
its victor victoria 0!
they role play for like 5 mins about acting out how he'd act around the real roz (which he dont know she is) and they fake marriage and she tests his love for her
i can see robotech doing something like this
eventually he leaves and sez he;d be back at 2;00
so when olinha gets to somewhere he sees a snake crawling over a guy (whuch should be safe as it looks like a constrictor and thus isnt poison and isnt coiling on him) and a lion shows up
there are lions in... where the h-ll is this set!?
i'm pretty sure its somewhere in europe but theres dukes, frenchies and probably brits
i dont recall them saying where it is but if it did i wasnt paying attention
later olinver queen comes by and tells them orlando found his big bro under a snake and he iced a lioness to save him
then goes on saying they patched things up and took em to the past duke but nearly bit it from blood loss from the lioness
roz faints for a bit and i';m having flashbacks to bram stokers dracula
also i think he knows shes a chick
later frenechie chats with redneck girl and her 25 age chubbo bf comes by
i guess it was feenchie who was was b0ning her b4
he holds bf's hand and intimdates him into skipping toewn or he'd ice him
but i think it was a sick joke he was playing
wow, the frenchie is evil
kinda surprized i didnt see it coming
the maquis de sade mk II
i guess the lion story as true as later orlando has an arm sling and survuived the lion
they skipped it and only talked about it later?
cheap a55 dinks!
imagine if they had ben hur and the chariot race was skipped and they only talked about it for a few mins later?
also sylvio and this chick named phoebe are in love
i dont remember her
them and orlando say who they love but roz sez shes in love with no woman
could've fooled me with ur cousin or w/e
its like sailor moon in here!
so roz comes out as a woman like a reverse yellow dancer but less clothes removal and gets married to orlando
then new duke comes in but the new duke has turned good after meeting an old religious man and returned everything he took
well that came outta nowhere
imagine if in batman if at the end of the movie the joker just turned good after meeting harvey bullock offscreen
then we getta epilogue like harry potter and she just jabbers on about nothing
the end
unlike most skhakesepe, i liked this
it was soft, lite, positive and innocent
it went by at a decent speed and a lot happened or felt like it anyway
not sure on a lot of things like where or when it happens but its still pretty good
unlike most shakespere, its not bummer or dark
and the cinematogoraphy is sort of silent style
like a high end late 20s film
before talkies came in and ruined things
like how the 2d games were great but then 3d came in and we got cr-ppy polygon games
look at earthworm jim
but this was pretty good
sort of like a god 2d sega saturn game
so for as you like it 2 i want the fat bf to come back for revenge on the frenchie who theatened him. He;s not big and buff like hulk hogan and has battlescars from fighting lions in the woods. frenchie has chained his gf in his chocolate house and has been overfeeding her to make her so fat she can't walk and she just lays in her ben beimg fed by him and dripping with sweat and grease. also he has the ability to control the lions from learning ki powers and ants to safe her from being his human waterbed. its also a 16bit action game like rastan on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, turbografx-16 and gba and you gotta go through the woods and free all the many chicks he's enfattened to immobility for his fetish. also you fight forest spirits he summons as hes really a daemon who feeds off pain and likes having these female blobs roll over on him and crush him under their tonnage.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Angel and the Badman Review

note; would john wayne spell right? or would he spell manly?
Angel and the Badman
this is my review on Angel and the Badman from 1947
its got john wayne, jim i mean harry carey, bruce cabot from king kong 1, irene rich from captain january and paul hurst from gone with the wind
its directed by james edward grand (t r edwards and vince grant from robotech?) who did hondo, mclintock and the alamo
i've seen it b4 but dont recall everything of it
so it starts with a cowbpy shooting and running away on horse with his homies as credits happen
wait, i think they are after him
his horse f's out and these 2 people offer to help
1 is a chcvk who hes gonna fall in love with
they take him to a phonre or telegraf place and its after hours but they go in
john wayne is quint evans who telegraf guy is afraid of and he blax out
telegraf guy sends his message and sez how bad a55 and manly and cool quint is
oh his name is quirt
like squirtle?
imma call huim jw 4 john wayne
the good guys bring him home to heal him
later jw is full of drugs to dull da surgery pain from bullet removal but not totally out as drugs cant stop john waybe
they give him his gun back (w/o the bullrets like with rebel w/o a cause) and he settles down
later the grl's mom tells her how she met dad
he fell off the barn and she hugged him
like back to the future 01?
after dr takes out his bullet he tels em to get rid of jw
in his sleep he talx about babes he b0ned
he sez he smoked cornsilk as a kid
i assume thats slang for crack
the rents think they otta write his words in case the cops show up for him
its still da dr
dr sez his homies who draws men as animals they resemble would draw jw as a coiled cobra
1st; cobra dont coil
2nd; is he a furry??
3rd; the power rangers and their ninja animals from the movie
later jw wakex up and meets the girl who's nice to him
girl tel;ls jw of the chix he talked about
after jw eats a lot like that fat chick in shallow hal, the girl reveals they arte quakers
she tells him about how hurting others only hurts you
later some guys stop by telegraph guys place and beat him up loking foir info on jw
later girls kid brother is homies with jw and sez a guy told him some guys were looking for jw
girl asks jw about love and he finds out his gun is empty
the bad guys are at the farm and jw sits in the shadows as the guys come in
bad guy leader talks about how he wants to buy some land from jw for 5$ but jw wants 20$
j signs the land to him and he owes jw 15$
you could buy like 3 packs of yugioh for that
they leave and jw wants to go
he gives them money but they dont wanna take it as they were doing the right thing not for cash
jw sez they dont believe in force so he cant force him to take it back
girl is in love with jown wayne like most normal women but he lets her down easy
later jw is still at the farm for some reason and does some farmwork
later he finds theres not much water as the guy above them in land or river or w/e isnt letting em have it
they prayed for the guy but he hasnt turned yet
so jw goes to the water guy and tells him to let some water in
he sez hes quirt evans (like cole evans from power rangers wild force?)
its like in futurama how bender saw how hard it is to be God and the monks were let out of the closet after bender came back
watch that one
its good
also jw rides with water guy and they become homies and he agrees to be more neighborly
water guy comes over to farm and they help him with his boil
just pop it
squeeze it til the pus shoots out
see how far you can sQUIRT it~!!
as he leaves they give him some food
this is like an episode of mr rigers neighborhood or something
and as he leaves he's glad jw made him help as it feels good
later a guy named whistful mclintock according to the captions comes by asking about jw and jw sez hes a marshal or something
oh and quirt was wyatt earps deputy
so mclintock wonders why quiret is is at da farm andthinks its insidious
later they walk by a guy i mean on a horse cart by a guy who quirt knows and he don't wanna seem like a candya55
later at a getogether the guy he knows comes by and invites him to a crime to make cash
but he dont consent
at da get together they give quirt a bible and say nice things of him
good acting by joghn waynw in that scene
he seems surprized like he's never seen human decency
he goes off on horse with some guy and the guy is reading the bible and thinks its cool
spoiler; the bible is pretty hardcore
its not just happy days
theres some pretty dark stuff in there
usually from the bad guys
just like any historical account
look at japan
the sengoku era had many violent battles
tokugawa kills a lotta guys
so later the crime guys attack a convoy of cows
and jw and his homie are up on some rocks
homie sez he dont like capping people and jw and him and a 3rd guy take out the crime guys with sticks while riding horses
its hammer time!
i think some got crushewds under the cows after falling
oh and 1 guy is named hondo
i think these crooks are the bad guys from b4
later jw and homie are with some bimboes or h00kers or w/e  in a casino
casino night zone
john waynes bimbo is a singer in the club in a glittery dress
nothing in this film really makes it to pg
no swearing in skimpy outfits or violence
looney toons is more
jw gets a drink but interrupts 2 guys who are p-ssed at him so they fight
it spreads and the place is busted up
homie gets the bimboes out and jw and homie get beat outta there
they all go to some place and when quirts bimbo jokes about him having a bible, he gets offended and leaves
he goes back to the farm and girl is upset he left
she sez he left cuz he was worried of not being good enough or w/e and they smooch
then marshal mcclintock comes by and asks about the cow thieves
jw sez he was with his homie and the bimboes as alibies and she thinks he likes his bimbo more
she gets bummed but they smooch and its better
later mcclintock sez he figured in using a new rope in hanging jw as he respected him and his chutzpa or w/e
later quirt and girl are in the plants and a flower she has got a wasp on it
jw was gonna crush it but she stopped him cuz she dont like killing
what about the sausages they fed jw b4?
thats donkey meat or w/e
later they driving a horsed carriage and horsemen come shooting at em
if he had a firearm he could defend instead of hoping he can run away
1 guy gets hit off his horse by a branch that was above jw in the carriage
that dont add up
he cariage is higher than the horse
so they crash into a river off a cliff and get away
later jw gets giru home and they get a dr
later dr sez she wont last
jw goes off to waste the guys who attacked em (its the bad guys from b4 with the 5$ and cow thing)
right after he books it she instantly recovers
maybe jw's ki was malreacting to hers?
is this hancock?
so homie goes in da salloon to tell the baddz jw is outside
so jw is gonna have a gunfight but da fam comes by with da goirel and he gives her his gun
the badds are gonna cap him but marshall caps em
marshal sez if he iced em he's have hanged jw
and its only a matter of time til he hangs jw
but jw sez hes now a farmer and rides off with da fam
marshal sez da only guy who carrys a gun needs one
yes cuz if you dont have 1, the thugs kill you are ur dead
the end
that was pretty good
nice, lite, soft, warm
its like mr rogers doing  a john wayne western
ts got good stuff to it and some bada55 moments
but aso good heart
i liked this one
its like the opposite of unforgiven
plus its public domain
watch it on wikipedia or w/e
for Angel and the Badman 2 i want it to be about him working on a farm but ufo's attack the state. the quakers pray them away as they are actuallty space daemons. so quirt gets his gun back and has a priest bless the bullets so he can kill them. no. he uses prayers at them to send them away. its also a platform game like the nes or gameboy ninja turtles 1 game on nes, gameboy, game gear, master system and turbografix 16 where you play as john wayne and instead of using hits or guns, you blast them with holy words which kills them cuz they're evil.

Sunday, June 9, 2019

The Cold Light of Day Review

Note: i spell italiabno. wait, this is spanish?
The Cold Light of Day
this is my review on The Cold Light of Day from 2012 (the year the world ended in the mayan apocalypse)
its got bruce willis and henry caville and sigourny weaver
its directal by Mabrouk El Mechri who did JCVD with Jean Claude Van DaMME and some french cr-p
i've never seen this b4 and i'm only reviewing it cuz i hear it s-cked
it was filmed in soviet spain where that guy got eaten alive in suddenly last summer by roaming cannibals
so hen gets to spain and his luggage in in sanfransicko
that sounds like innuendo
bruce is there and they take a car to a boat yard and i think bruce is his dad
they spend time as a fam and brce has a gov job
hope its non union
otherwise they go on strike and hold the taxpayers hostage
as a kid hen got a spear in his flipper and cried like a sissy
also he gets a phone call and sez his company is outta cash
next day they go boaking and some fastboats go by
thr boat driver was j-rkin off on his phone and the boat goes off course and nearly kills the bikini girl
so bruice has enough of henry's cr-p and starts butt b0ning him as punishment
he just throws his phone away and hen jumps in after it
thats salt water
the phone is deader than melirin monroe after r fk got her
so hen swins to land and when he looks back the fam boat is gone
it was megalodon!!
hes back from h-ll!
and hes not returning alone!
later i think its da next day cuz the sun was going in 1 shot and he finds the boat but its empty
the sea daemons got em
he goes to the cops but they dont give a sh-t
tell em ur dad is paul kersey
they take him to the beach and try to capture him but he gets away in a cop car
but crashes up and they get him
until outta nowhere bucre come in and beats em dead
threy drive off and he tells em hes really a gove agent and hes gonna get em back
is this turning into team america world police?
they drive somehrewsw and bruce tells hen that mom knows but he couldnt tell hen
then bruce talks to a chick and sez the guys he took a briefcase from took em and they want it back
she sez the case is gone up the line and is gone now
then as bucre walks back he gets capped
hes dead and wont be coming back
his phone rings and hen takes it and his gun and a guy comes after em
he runs as they take bruces body away to make into a universal soldier
he asnwers the phone and the guy sez they have 21 hours and he wants tom
then the cops get him but one gets picked off and he gets away by hopping a fence and running through a park
he gets to a bathroom and collects his thoughts as well as checks his inventory like its resident evil
then hides the gun and goes to the embassy but they got no info on his dad and think he capped da cop
isnt soviet europe under constant surveilence with cameras everywhere?
just check those
then a guy taks him to a car with sigorny leaver from aliaens and groliinas i the mist who knows him from his being a kid
he got a scar making her a martini at age 10
kids and booze. thats europe
as they drive she grills him and he fakes being sick like in captain america to get em to pull over and he runs away
he gets his gun he hid and gets on a bus
he gets a call asking for tom and its his mom asking for brue
he tells them bruce bit it but the guy wants his breifcase or they get iced
he calls someone asking for diego (go go) and she gives him her address
he goes there and tries to knfe him
then a guy comes out and they fight and guy gets a metal thing in his back
he and girl talk and team up as they wanna ice her uncle diego

they go to a house and groliia girl is there is calm like hilery climtin and just as evil
she sez she iced brce cuz he was gonna betry their country
she wants info andf sez some malcontents have his fam
then a gunfight breaks out with girl taking shots at em and grolina girtl pullas a gun on him and they escape
a woman bad guy?
thats not common
i mean yeah the witch in oz was in the 30s
bt still
sothey get to da roof and he lowers her down but gorilla girl takes shots at hm through a door and he has to get out
he jumps off a roof, the cable on hisa waist pulls off a sattelite dish and he falls while bumping the side of a building
they getta way on a motorbike but crash bt get away as theres too many witnesses soshe gets a photo on her phone
hen was hit so she take him to some underground health place and they do makeshift surgery on him as he screams
i gotta say, there's a lot of scenes where its them going through places and not much desciptive is going on
like them going through a house and looking around
its kind of a good calm before the storm
after that girl finds out bruce was hens dad and she knew him
he thinks she sez b0ning him but she sez bruce was her dad too
i thought they were gonna fall in love
i mean they still can
it would be a good step for inbreeder rights to have an openly inbred couple in a mainstream movie
like a 21st century guess who's coming to dinner
but his guess of her b0ning him would be a good hint at that
so hen goes off alone to the meeting place and a guy has him follow him to a car
they put him in a sleeper hold and when he wakes up they beating him tied to a chair
the guy tells hen that he had a sting to find crooked agents and bruce shoqwed up, iced his men and took a breifcase with some macguffin his country needed
why did they bring a real important thing to a sting??
also the gorilla aliens chick is takin out witnesses and is the real badguy
and if guy hadent captuted em, shre'd have iced em
and he wants hen to lure out gorolla girl to cautch her
or he'd let loose the fam and let her waste em
after sleeperholding and dumping hen, he goes to a club and remeets his half sister the hirl
they realize the bad guys have spys everywhere and start a commotion to get attention
he beats on a guy but gets tazered
its another guy who got tazered and the henry (whos name is will like will wheaton) interrogates him and beats on him
the tazer guy looks like eurotrash with his face hair and ponytail
hen decides to do something and goes to a car with sister 1/2
caught guy burns his bondage off with a hot pipe and cooks himself
good thing hes european so he can cannibal later
caught guy gets away but hen follows him to gorilla alien girl (gag ) and they follow them
so the real agents go after her but she effortlessly takes em out 1 handed with a gun and gets away
also she takes out caught guy in a car crash
hen gets away and him and sister 1/2 follow her on a car chase through spain night zone
eventually she crashes and theres a shotout
then she car chases them and keeps shooting
do they run outta ammo?
is this contra??
so they crash and she goes to him slowly and talks to him instead of just shooting him when she has the chance
then again, he can't hurt her as he's upside down in a car and beat up
then a sniper takes her out and the agents get back the breifcase
juts like in gorillas in the mist, she's the bad guy and gets taken back to h-ll
so the sister 1/2 gets treatment and the hen gets his fam back
later a guy tells hen his dad was innocent and offers hen a chance at working for da gov
i think he turns it down as he goes to see sister 1/2 and his fam welcomes her into the fam
the end
that wasnt as bad as everyone says
rotten tomatoes gave it 5% outta 100
it don't deserve that
its decent
its got good pacing, acting, twists, and a woman bad guy
the action is pretty cool and its got decent stunts and effcts
its not something ur gonna totally love like robocop or starship troopers
but its not unwatchable or horrid
whatever people hated about this i didnt see it
for The Cold Light of Day 2 i want henry and his sister to have fallen in love but the rest of his fam dont approve. but they can't say anything as they saved em. so they use bruce willis's contacts to have her assasinated. so its up to henry to take out the assassins and figure out who's sending em. also its a 16 bit run and gun game like contra or midnight resistance on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba and you play as henry or the half sister.

Monday, June 3, 2019

Collateral Review

note; i spell wrong but its righter than most
this is my review on collateral from the 00s
i've never seen this b4 but heard it was good
its got tom cruise, jamie foxx, mrs will smith and mark rullfolo
its directed by mixchael mann who did manhunter, the last of the hohicans and maimi vice
it starts with tom getting to soviet los angelas
jamie foxxx is a taxoi driver and deals with a55 holes
he pix up a black woman  and drives her around til its night
they argue over what road to take and he sez if his road is a55 the ride is free
he wins and they chat
he has an island cab company dream and shes a lawyer
she sez he got her there fast even though it went from sun up to pitch blacok night on their trip
also she is f ing out of being a lawyer
foxx has a picture of an island he mentally goes to whewn he's f'd
she leaves and gives him her number or w/e
later he gets tom crooz and tom sez this guy bit it on da subway and no one noticed for 6 hours
they chat and at his stop tom wants him to drive him around to get 6 signitures and get to da plane by 6 am
he pays foxxx and foxxx consents'
later a body falls on his windfshield and tom sez he iced the guy
tom pulls a gun on foxxx and they put the body in the trunk
foxxx offers tom da car but tom makes him drive him
at the 1st crime scene this mexico finds that tom iced this guy and cals da cops
while driving tom reveals he didnt know the guy he iced and how after rwanda no one cared about all those wackings
also the guy he ice was a crook
then the cops pull over foxxx and tom tels to to talk his way out of it or he'd ice em
he sez he hit a deer and da cops gotta impound it as its unsafe as its got a damaged windashield
but i think tom does something as the cops leave
i was reading sometying
tom tapes foxx to the windshield i mean wheel for styeering and foxxxs boss calls
tom fakes being a lawyer and gets boss to back down
and tom makes foxx say hes gonna jamm da car up his fat a55
tom goes to ice sum goons and jamie asks strangers for help
as its los angelas, they threaten and steal from him
tom kills em and gets back his cr-p they stole
but both r bad guys
los angelas thugs and a hitman
mexicop an other cops at da 1st crime scene check things but find no body
then tom and star foxxx go to a jazz club
they talk with a guy who met miles davis prowler
then tom has to ice him
but gives him a chance to live if he answers the question about jazz right
he gets it wrong and tom pops his head
foxx walks away but tom grabs him by the throat and starts b0ning him
he just grabs him
so the boss calls jamie saying his mom wants him and tom makes him go as he visits her every night and breaking routine arouses suspicious
tom gets mom flowers and is nice to her
she embarreeses foxxx and foxxx jacks toms bag and runs
on a bridge foxxx throws the bag into traffic and it gets run over
tom puts his gun in jamie foxx's a55 and empties it into him
turns out the guys who tom iced were connected
they go to the next place and talk about past and future cr-p
cuz toms items were f'd, he has foxx do a thing for him or hes gonna ice foxxx's mom
foxxx goes up saying hes tom and they let him in
he asks some drug boss for info on his targets and gets it
but now everyone thinks foxx is the real tom who iced a cab driver and took his place
so they go to this partyy and tom tells foxxx that if he wanders then innocenrt bystanders will get it
then tom beats a guy dead
da cops get there and pull guns but in the chaos they go off and when a guy aims at foxx, tom capps guy and saves foxx
some asians grab tom and a cop gets foxx out
but tom breaks free and wastes more dregs b4 leaving
as foxx gets out, toim caps da cop and they get away
foxx is disgruntled over tom wacking the cop and wonders why tom didn';t ice him
tom sez cuz foxxx is goood
foxx drives fast and tom pulls a gun on him but foxx knows if tom shoots, they both bite it
he crashes
a cop comes by but is gonna arrst foxx
foxx sees on toms laptop that toms final target is the black lawyer he drove and he takes down the cop and goes to save her
so foxx calls her but she dont think its real
until he sez the guy in her case is taking out witnesses
then tom busts in woith a gun
but i think hes in the wrong room
hes 2 floors below her in her office and foxx can see em
is this rear window?
i think hitchcocks corpse is gonna sue
the tom figgers out shes up there but the phone connectoon is f'd
foxx runs as tom closes in
you expect to run to the building, up 16 floors, and save her, before he gets there?!
tom kills the power in the building by axing a cable
fox kids finds the guard iced
so tom gets her but foxx saves her by capping tom
tom gets up and shoots at em but it was reflextions like goku's after image in dbgt
they run when foxx had him dead bang and could've executed him then and there while he was shocked by getting capped and ended it
they get to a subway but tom hitches a ride on the back
he gets in and they try to escape
eventually they stop and shoot at each other through a door as the lights flicker
then sit down  as they outta ammo and tom bitrs it on the train in soviet los angeles
see you in h-ll tom cruise
so foxx and lawyer walk off as the sun comes up but in the next shot its darker where the train goes
the end
that was pretty good
the ending was sorta like nosferatu or sunrise by f w murnau with the dark night ending with the new day
good action and tension
good story
fel kinda 80s like that other tom crooz movire with he had h--kers
for all we know its the same guy who moved up
tom biting it and foxx surviving with his woman was later done in law abiding citizen with gerald butler
i liked this one
shows how dark l a can get
even tom cruise was good in here
for collateral 2 i want tom to make a pack with a daemon in the after life to come back to finish the job and every bad guy he kills goes to h-ll. he hunts down jamie foxxx and his woman and they gotta try to escape but hes got daemon powers now. also its a 16 bit action game like phantom 2040 on sega genesis, tg16, snes, atari jaguar and gba and you find clues wile blasting people with daemon blasts and h-llfire shots.