Sunday, June 9, 2019

The Cold Light of Day Review

Note: i spell italiabno. wait, this is spanish?
The Cold Light of Day
this is my review on The Cold Light of Day from 2012 (the year the world ended in the mayan apocalypse)
its got bruce willis and henry caville and sigourny weaver
its directal by Mabrouk El Mechri who did JCVD with Jean Claude Van DaMME and some french cr-p
i've never seen this b4 and i'm only reviewing it cuz i hear it s-cked
it was filmed in soviet spain where that guy got eaten alive in suddenly last summer by roaming cannibals
so hen gets to spain and his luggage in in sanfransicko
that sounds like innuendo
bruce is there and they take a car to a boat yard and i think bruce is his dad
they spend time as a fam and brce has a gov job
hope its non union
otherwise they go on strike and hold the taxpayers hostage
as a kid hen got a spear in his flipper and cried like a sissy
also he gets a phone call and sez his company is outta cash
next day they go boaking and some fastboats go by
thr boat driver was j-rkin off on his phone and the boat goes off course and nearly kills the bikini girl
so bruice has enough of henry's cr-p and starts butt b0ning him as punishment
he just throws his phone away and hen jumps in after it
thats salt water
the phone is deader than melirin monroe after r fk got her
so hen swins to land and when he looks back the fam boat is gone
it was megalodon!!
hes back from h-ll!
and hes not returning alone!
later i think its da next day cuz the sun was going in 1 shot and he finds the boat but its empty
the sea daemons got em
he goes to the cops but they dont give a sh-t
tell em ur dad is paul kersey
they take him to the beach and try to capture him but he gets away in a cop car
but crashes up and they get him
until outta nowhere bucre come in and beats em dead
threy drive off and he tells em hes really a gove agent and hes gonna get em back
is this turning into team america world police?
they drive somehrewsw and bruce tells hen that mom knows but he couldnt tell hen
then bruce talks to a chick and sez the guys he took a briefcase from took em and they want it back
she sez the case is gone up the line and is gone now
then as bucre walks back he gets capped
hes dead and wont be coming back
his phone rings and hen takes it and his gun and a guy comes after em
he runs as they take bruces body away to make into a universal soldier
he asnwers the phone and the guy sez they have 21 hours and he wants tom
then the cops get him but one gets picked off and he gets away by hopping a fence and running through a park
he gets to a bathroom and collects his thoughts as well as checks his inventory like its resident evil
then hides the gun and goes to the embassy but they got no info on his dad and think he capped da cop
isnt soviet europe under constant surveilence with cameras everywhere?
just check those
then a guy taks him to a car with sigorny leaver from aliaens and groliinas i the mist who knows him from his being a kid
he got a scar making her a martini at age 10
kids and booze. thats europe
as they drive she grills him and he fakes being sick like in captain america to get em to pull over and he runs away
he gets his gun he hid and gets on a bus
he gets a call asking for tom and its his mom asking for brue
he tells them bruce bit it but the guy wants his breifcase or they get iced
he calls someone asking for diego (go go) and she gives him her address
he goes there and tries to knfe him
then a guy comes out and they fight and guy gets a metal thing in his back
he and girl talk and team up as they wanna ice her uncle diego

they go to a house and groliia girl is there is calm like hilery climtin and just as evil
she sez she iced brce cuz he was gonna betry their country
she wants info andf sez some malcontents have his fam
then a gunfight breaks out with girl taking shots at em and grolina girtl pullas a gun on him and they escape
a woman bad guy?
thats not common
i mean yeah the witch in oz was in the 30s
bt still
sothey get to da roof and he lowers her down but gorilla girl takes shots at hm through a door and he has to get out
he jumps off a roof, the cable on hisa waist pulls off a sattelite dish and he falls while bumping the side of a building
they getta way on a motorbike but crash bt get away as theres too many witnesses soshe gets a photo on her phone
hen was hit so she take him to some underground health place and they do makeshift surgery on him as he screams
i gotta say, there's a lot of scenes where its them going through places and not much desciptive is going on
like them going through a house and looking around
its kind of a good calm before the storm
after that girl finds out bruce was hens dad and she knew him
he thinks she sez b0ning him but she sez bruce was her dad too
i thought they were gonna fall in love
i mean they still can
it would be a good step for inbreeder rights to have an openly inbred couple in a mainstream movie
like a 21st century guess who's coming to dinner
but his guess of her b0ning him would be a good hint at that
so hen goes off alone to the meeting place and a guy has him follow him to a car
they put him in a sleeper hold and when he wakes up they beating him tied to a chair
the guy tells hen that he had a sting to find crooked agents and bruce shoqwed up, iced his men and took a breifcase with some macguffin his country needed
why did they bring a real important thing to a sting??
also the gorilla aliens chick is takin out witnesses and is the real badguy
and if guy hadent captuted em, shre'd have iced em
and he wants hen to lure out gorolla girl to cautch her
or he'd let loose the fam and let her waste em
after sleeperholding and dumping hen, he goes to a club and remeets his half sister the hirl
they realize the bad guys have spys everywhere and start a commotion to get attention
he beats on a guy but gets tazered
its another guy who got tazered and the henry (whos name is will like will wheaton) interrogates him and beats on him
the tazer guy looks like eurotrash with his face hair and ponytail
hen decides to do something and goes to a car with sister 1/2
caught guy burns his bondage off with a hot pipe and cooks himself
good thing hes european so he can cannibal later
caught guy gets away but hen follows him to gorilla alien girl (gag ) and they follow them
so the real agents go after her but she effortlessly takes em out 1 handed with a gun and gets away
also she takes out caught guy in a car crash
hen gets away and him and sister 1/2 follow her on a car chase through spain night zone
eventually she crashes and theres a shotout
then she car chases them and keeps shooting
do they run outta ammo?
is this contra??
so they crash and she goes to him slowly and talks to him instead of just shooting him when she has the chance
then again, he can't hurt her as he's upside down in a car and beat up
then a sniper takes her out and the agents get back the breifcase
juts like in gorillas in the mist, she's the bad guy and gets taken back to h-ll
so the sister 1/2 gets treatment and the hen gets his fam back
later a guy tells hen his dad was innocent and offers hen a chance at working for da gov
i think he turns it down as he goes to see sister 1/2 and his fam welcomes her into the fam
the end
that wasnt as bad as everyone says
rotten tomatoes gave it 5% outta 100
it don't deserve that
its decent
its got good pacing, acting, twists, and a woman bad guy
the action is pretty cool and its got decent stunts and effcts
its not something ur gonna totally love like robocop or starship troopers
but its not unwatchable or horrid
whatever people hated about this i didnt see it
for The Cold Light of Day 2 i want henry and his sister to have fallen in love but the rest of his fam dont approve. but they can't say anything as they saved em. so they use bruce willis's contacts to have her assasinated. so its up to henry to take out the assassins and figure out who's sending em. also its a 16 bit run and gun game like contra or midnight resistance on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba and you play as henry or the half sister.

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