Monday, October 30, 2017

Interview With The Vampire Review

note; tommy wiseau is a better vampire. and I spell like he talks
interview with the vampire
this is my revirw on interview ith a vampire
its based on a book by some chick Spider-Man mentioned in the 90s series in the vampire eps on fox kids
its got toim cruise and brad bitt
plus kirstin dunst from Spider-Man in the 00s
it starts in san fran sicko with that bridge from sonic adventure 2
ooh antoino banderas is in his
and Christian slater
ooh stan Winston did the effects
he did great in batman returns, pumpkinhead and Edward scissorhands
good music
gothic like batman the animated series
then brad pitt gives a interview with some radio guy(maybe slater)
he sez hes a vampire
brad pitt has a fruity ponytail
he looks like a purvurt
and turns on a light faster than humans can see
in the distant future year of 1791 brad was 24 and owned a plantation in new orleens
his woman and kid bit it and he snapped
a guy accuses him of cheating in a card game and pulls a gun on him
so brad opens his shirt to show his man t-ts
brand wants to go to h-ll to be with his fam
later while out with a h-0ker and getting his thing sucked, tommy wiseau I mean tom cruise jumps him and sucks his neck
is this a p0rn0?
they float and he drops brad in the water
the next day brad pitt wakes up and tom cruise is standing beside his bed
he offers brad a new life and sells it as cool
the next day he saw his last sunrise
u looked at the sun?! dumba5!
ur burn ur eyes out!
in the 1700s brad pit looked girly
then tom cruise b0nes him or something
then offers him a choice
brad pitt consents and tom cruice slits his wrist and brad sucks him
if this were the 80s it might be aids
then brad pitt turns
as brad lays there with his head back his neck looks phallllic
does that make him a d-ck head?
after turning, his senses are heightened
he tells slater words cant describe it
and crosses and heart stakes are made up
but coffins are real
after a night I mean day in 1 he goes out with tom cruise and they suck this chick
brad drinks her mouth blood and tom drinks her cut wrist
was that supposed to be b0ning?
later at brads place brad nearly eats a slave
then tom cruice bits a rat and pours it into brads glass
brad don't wanna ice people if he can live off animals
but tom sez its not good enuff to be worth it
is vampirism a thing for secks addiction?
and their victims are those they b0ne?
cuz that's what i'm seeing here
brad sez tom has 2-3 vics a night
later at a party its revealed tom can read minds
and knows this chick had her husband iced and blamed a slave
but brad cant read it
brad and tom go out with her and her bf
and eat em
but brad eats her dogs
she calls him a murderer(spoiler; u cant "murder" an animal.)(I iced 100 fruit flies in an hour. am I the next gacy?)
and tom ices her
brad attacks tom and tom enjoys it
later tom talks about being from paRIS and so was the guy who turned him
but tom didn't consent
later brad pitts slave sez the other slaves fear brad and tom
brad sucks her arm and she freaks out
after he ices her he goes out and tells his slaves the p[lace is bad and hes evil and theyre free
I think they need paperwork to be legally freed
then brad torches his home
tom comes in all b--chy and pulls brad out
he wakes up in a cemetery and tom questions if there is a h-ll
they rent rooms in new orleens like where candy man 02 farewell to flesh happened
actually this is set around the same time as that
candyman would be around their age too
later brad pitt is b0ning a chick kinda and sucks blood out her t-t
tom don't like t-ts so he gets her wrist
wait, I think it was tom drinking from her b00b
he offers brad a glass of blood but he don't consent
then tom seals her in a coffin
then lets her out and she begs for help from brad
brad wont ice her so tom sucks her neck
late out in the rain brad sucks a rat
1 guy walking by sez theres a plague
he finds Kirsten dunst alone
her moms rotting and dad ditched em
he then sucks tat 8 year old
I thought he was gay
tom comes in and dances with the rotting mom
brad runs out going mental over eating a kid
tom comes in and sez pain is worse foe him cuz hes a vamp
then uses twisted logic of "evil being a p o v" and seeing vampires as Godlike
but vamps are evil and God is holy
its like saying water is dry or fire is cold
except vampire hunter D, alucard from Castlevania and vampirella
maybe blacula
but they kinda run on unholy ki so they still count as bad
most of em
tom takes brad to a room with kirstin dinst whos somewhat alive
tom is gonna give her his blood but brad objects
he gives it anyway
she really sucks him
and she turns
tom then gets her a woman to suck
they become some kind of unholy family
going around icing people to feed on
as time goes on they eat more people
and she gets night classes in piano and cr-p
tom trained her to be more skilled at icing people
sort of a mini me
years later they are still together
btw, if tom cruise is fro france, why don't he gotta accent?
later kirstin dunst wants to grow up to be a pretty woman one day
shes always gonna be 8 no matter how long she lives
is this a pedo movie?
tom gives her a doll but she has so many she snaps and throws her dolls
under her dolls is a lady shew wanted to be like she iced and kept
she wants to change so she cuts her hair
but it instantly grows back
she gets b--chy and p-ssed at tom cruise for turning her
brad comforts her but she hates tom cruise for making her a pedo fantasy
later brad tells how brad fed on her and tom filled her with his blood
its like they both made her
but w/o being pregnant
now she hates brad pit
its ok
a lot of people do
hes kind of a d-ck
later she forgives brad and says some semi seductive stuff to him
she wants to have them escape tom cruise
later tom cruise talks about wanting a hot babe with great curves that kirstoin dunst cant have
I thought he was gay!
maybe hes  just being a d-ck to her
then kirstin bring in young boys she sez are drunk
I think theyre boys
hard to tell with these 1800s people
maybe hermaphrodites
after he feeds on em she revals they were dead and she used drugs to keep the blood warm
as he drank dead blood it f'd him up
then kirstin slices his throat and he bleeds all over
he kinda rots and she dumps him in da swamp
see you in h-ll tom cruise
then a gater comes after his a55
brad feels for tom
they were gonna go to Europe and studied olde vampire legendes
b4 they go they are gonna set the pet birds free
feeling for birds but icing humans?
how PETA
then tom cruise comes in all decroded after feeding on gaters and swamp things and reviving
he looks like tommy wiseau
he attacks but brad throws a lamp a him and he goes around flaming
the whole place goes up
see you in h-ll tom cruise
wtf the whore town goes up
they go to Europe eating passengers on da boat
they search Europe for other vamps but find nothing but vampire myths
get the myth busters!
he also sez Dracula as by"a demented Irishman"
that's racist
In soviet paris he meets some vampires
1 dances on the ceiling
the background looks like the cabinet of dr caligari or der golem 1920
later brad and dunst go to a play with vampires playing vampires
on the play they eat a chick and tear off her clothes
ohhh, on abc spark it shows her nips
at like 2 am
btw these actor vampires look and sound kinda like tommy wiseau
the 1st time I saw this, around this point my plus size gf called me on da phone and I missed da rest
I've seen da hole thing since
after the show this big bad actor vamp invites brad and kirstin in
ohh its anton banerdas
he acts kinda fruity btw
is this a gay thing?
san fran sisco
2 guys raising a kid
the signs are all there
anton (I call him dat after my grandmas dad from Slovenia in da 1800s) tries to get him to rethink good/evil
also anton is over 400 and the oldest living vamp
after chatting with him they leave and anton reads his mind
they learn he iced another vamp and that's a capital offence
yeah but icing countless humans is ok?
its like eating octopus is ok but you cant eat a dog(which is vastly inferior to octopi in iq and coolness)
at home kirstin dunst sez anton wants to break up her and rad and for him to have brad
gay or pedo; choose one brad
later brad sees anton I think about kirstin
anton sez most vampires cant take being immortal
brad reveals his ex was tom cruise and anton knew him
later Kristin wants brad to turn a woman for her
she wants a mom after having 2 dads for decades
she gets b--chy then sez its cuz she loves him and ants someone if he leaves her
he turns her
then the actor vamps capture them
they gon execute the chix and lock brad pit in a box forever
like in the hunger with david bowie
they try to get us to feel for these inhuman killers
I don't
burn in h-ll brad pitt
brad is sealed in a wall and the chicks are put in a room with no roof
cant they crawl out?
vamps can walk on ceilings and walls
oh theres a cage bars on da top
the sun eventually gets em
anton frees brad but cant save kirstin
brad finds her as charcoal
he otta p-ss on her and rehydrate her
but she crumbles to dust like starscream in transformers the movie
brad looks like a zoolander male model as he stares at the guy who iced em
then he gets revenge by soaking the place in oil and torching it
he also slices em up with a scythe\
but hes too fruity to be bada55
then slices in 2 the guy who iced the kirstin dunt
he goes out and outta the fog comes a carriage and it saves his a55
its anton I think
they get together and he wants to learn from anton
but he turns down the invite to learn and wanders da urth
years later its the 20s and he watches nosferatu and sunrise
the gone with the wind and superman
did he just watch movies for 60 yeas?
later hes back In new orleens
he goes to a crypt and finds rotted tom cruise
he still didn't recover after all these years?
he calls brad pit beautiful
after some fruity dialogue about wanting and not resisting eachother a chopper comes by and its light and sound freaks tom out
tom cruise gets dumped by brad pit
he dont know what happened with tom cruise after dat
now he just sorta lives
but he sez theres all there is
slater wants to be a vamp
or his homie
but brad gets p-ssed and holds him by 1 hand
then vanishes and slater books it in his red convertible
he drives by the sonic adventure 2 bridge and listens to the recording
then outta nowhere tom cruise jumps in and sucks him
hes healed from this despite not healing for like 150 years
he changes the radio to a song about the devil
then drives across the sonic bridge as the sun starts to rise
wtf it was pitch black seconds ago
the end
that was actually kinda good
I like the 90s ness of it
like blacula its from the vampires p o v
theres not much cgi and it looks better than most films now
esp with actual matter on film and better looking colors than most dull stuff now
weird how a dark vampire night film has better colors and brightness than most normal day films
for interview with the vampire 2 i'd want it to be a post apocalyptic movie where brad pitt is a vampire overlord who has enslaved all of California. tom cruise rebelled against him and brad iced his a55. but president ted nugent has had anti vampire items and armor and weapons developed and sends a bad a55 80s style guy to take out tom cruise and fight through his vampire and human slaves. its also an up 2 4 player beat em up on sega genesis, snes and gba and you fight through areas of California to free it from evil rule with brad pitt as the game boss and a cyberized slave tom cruise as his miniboss under his control.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

House Of The Dead Review

note; I want this game movie game
house of the dead
this is my review for hoise of da ded (the movie from 200x(when mega maN 01 happened)
its based on a sega Saturn game that I played a bit in the arcade
I never played it long and the best I did was like 1/2 through ;level 1
but I enjoyed it
my italiano high school homie let me play hotd overkill on his wii
that was just fun
the black guy swears like Samuel l Jackson with tourettes
this film was directed by universally hated video game movie director uwe boll
I saw alone in the dark and thought it wasn't bad
also this as shot in soviet Canada
brittish Columbia, where they have cocainum and crumpets
wasn't 1 Columbia bad enuff?
and this ones brittish!
one actor is enuka okuma who was android 18 in dbz, lady une in Gundam wing, and the black chick in sue Thomas f b eye
it starts with a guy saying how it started days ago
then we get weird neon visuals
holy cr-p its a distorted playing of the arcade/saturn game
and jurgen proinchow is in this
in most arcades the blood is green
but I remember seeing it red
the 1st guy introduces the teens and their backstories
ones a blonde bimbo
they came for a rave to some island
the opening credits look like a bad tv movie
like sea ghost or grizzly rage or...
what was the one with the bad cgi tentacles on the boat that canges it form?
that had terribad cgi
all I remember is this guy's fave xxx star showed up and did a dance and opened her mouth and a fake a55 tentacle came out and got the guy
I haven't seen it in years
it was kinda bad but was fun
at a calm rave with early 00s teens and a small band and sega logo, one tries to call but theres no cell service
one of the main teens trying to get to the party meets a p-ssed off boatman who don't ant em to get 2 da island
its the island of the dead
so the title is wrong
but his superior brings e along
the boatman don't wanna go
after nearly getting stopped for a drug check, superior goes anyway
he has issues with the drug searcher chick
on the beach this thong chick swims but her bf is too candy a55 to swim in cold water
when she gets out hes gone
on the boat ride a guy spews bear on a chick and on the island I think she changes her top
the boatman gives her a cross for protection
this isn't Castlevania
the thong chick goes looking for her bf in a house and zombies get her
also a zombie got him b4
such useful characters
oh turns out they are still on the boat and she changed in the boat inside
the editing was unclear
like d w Griffith shifting between 2 points at the same time
but bad
the 5 teens get to the island and find a bridge over boiling water
superior plans to ditch the teens on the island as he has his own cr-p to deal with
after walking til dark, the 5 teens get to the rave but its empty
later the bimbo and her bf are gonna b0ne do the rest go off
boat guy goes in da woods and something gets him
bimbo and bf are gonna b0ne outside but it might rain so they go in a tent
then he has to p-ss after all the drinking he did
b0ne or get off the bimbo!
b0ne or don't b0ne
make up ur mind
it starts raining and superior gets his gun
I like da lighting
it looks light neon blue
then the zombies get the bimbo
the 4 I mean 3 teens find the house and wanna go in
but a milky guy with scars watches em
in it some ravers attack em but stop when they recognize em
they watch video camera footage of the rave attacked by undead
one guy compares it to night dawn and day of the dead by George a romero
and wants twilight of the dead
spoiler he made like 3 newer ones
and everyone hated em
I didn't
they all walk to da boat
its to the rave
to get the bimbo and bf
they find a turned over outhouse and in it was bf with minor stains
bimbo comes out and snaps a guys neck
then a guard or w/e caps her
its the drug search chick
her name is casper
that's ghosts not zombies
zombies try to get on superiors boat but he caps em
the  teens go through the woods back across the bridge with the milk guy watchin
if it took from day to night to get there wont it take em til the next sunrise to get back?
zombies attack under da bridge but they ice em
they run to 90s music and get to the boat
but its out a bit
so they swim
zombies swimming attack but casper machineguns and grenades
btw under 3 feet of water bulets are useless
but not here!!
superior also fires with a laser sight rife
this is pretty cool
bright cool colors
good music
nice action
1 guy I think da bf gets his face f';d by a zombie
after wondering why theres zonbies da captain sez why
in the past a Spanish boat a guy was banished for black experiments
he got away and enslaves da natives on this island ever since
then how is he alive 250 years later??
and isnt this the west coast?
how'd a spain ship get there?
then zombies attack and they run
good zombie make up
they look decroded
1 guy hides under a hill thing like in lord of the rings
but the zombies return and get him
the survivors wanna go 2 da house but superoir who s really a captain and I'm sick of typing supereior reveals he has Cuban cigars and guns
the cap is jurgen prnchpow
casper sez the patrol can save em in the daytime
they arm up and fight zombies
its pretty bada55
pluds cool cirvcle 360 shots
where the camera goes around em
but it plays cr-ppy rap
and it keep splicing in clips of the arcade/saturn game
ohh the Asian In the skimpy American flag thing got eaten
this guy sees all the fight gfastforward at high speed I clips for A SEC then
btw each time someone bits it it shows a camera going around em and going red
they're running outta ammo and casper gets attacked
1 guy hides her in a house
captain uses knifes and they lock the zombies in a shed
captain gets bit and wait they hid inside this cabin thing, not zombies in da shed
the guy with the f'd face is bummed about his wound
spoiler; scars are cool
y'know if they had samurai swords they could cut through the zombies
wtf is the sun up??
it was just night!
face guy kisses enuka okuma and she comforts him
told ja scars are cool
wait its not sun up
its just bright at night
the fast forward flashback guy is bummed the Asian chick got eaten
he looks like ash from evil dead and brad swaile from Gundam wing and dbz
he kisses the smart chick but enuma okuma sez captains getting worse
enuka okuma sez the banished Spaniard iced the boat captain and burned da boat
they find a room with corpses and 1700ds science cr-p
also mutated blood
cap hears whistling and goes out to find boatguy as a zombie
so he caps him
he lights dymanite and lets the zombies get him and blows apart
inside they find gunpowder but someones gotta stay behind to light it so they cant use it
in a fish tank of blood is a thing a guy shoots and the blood revives the dead in the lab
why shoot it? its in a fish tank!!
they escape and 1 guy shoots gunpowder with a bad cgi bullet as the zombies grab him and blows it all to h-ll
3 survivors
the 3 are in tunnels and cap zombies on the at to the beach
the take turns capping zombies til they run out
just shoot away from the screen to reload
enuka okuma sacrifices herself to save 2 of em
they just eat her and go away
a cloaked guy brings em to a dungeon thing
oh its a guy from b4
he was wearing the guys skin as a mask
its milky
how'd he get the kin to stay on so perfect?
shouldn't it be all f'd out?
milky guy is the Spaniard who's black science let him life forever
he wants their flesh but with throwing acid and stabbing the Spaniard they get out and the place asplodes somehow
btw NOW its day
not all the other times it ad clear daylight in from the windows
less this took place over like 3 weeks
milky survived and comes out and beats the last guys a55
the last chick (the smart one) sword fights him
its pretty good
but she shanks her between the t-ts
the guy lops off his head with an axe
but the body keeps going
so the chick stomps it and da brains bust out
then she bites it
so shes strong enuff to stomp him but not to last more than a few seconds?
later a chopper comes down and G and the other guy come out
oh the chick is still kinda alive
the guy sez his name is Rudolph curien
better than Rudolph krauser from fatal fury
he narrates saying; is this he end, or da beginning?
the end
with rap credits
that was pretty good
I liked it
back in the 00s there was this and resident evil as movies
I prefer the hotd games
but this was pretty good
nice action and fight scenes
good gore
the acting wasn't bad
I man yeah its not gone with the wind or birth of a nation
but its a decent horror action 90s/00s film
good gore 2
aw f
I forgot to mae power rangers comments about 5 multi ethnic teens with attitude being power rangers
f my butt!!
for house of the dead 2 I want the surviving girl to have been modified by cybernetics to have a nucular core in her that ca fire nucular beats out her torso. she goes bacvk to the island to clean up the remaining zombies but her core fuses with her turning her nucular and giving her nucular powers. also her bf is trying to find a cure so they can b0ne w/o him being microwaved

Thursday, October 26, 2017

THX 1138 Review

note; the future is now! theres no better time to make it right! wait, this isn't the 80s Robotech movie
THX 1138
this is my reviw on thx 1138
ive never seen this b4
plus I'm not big on georse lucas films
star wars is overrated
the film starts with buck rogers in the 25th century clips
I only saw duck dodgers on looney tunes
then we get credits
ooh Robert duval and Donald pleasance
and the rest I don't kno
this is from da early 70s btw
francis ford coppola did this
his movies are usually not so great
f ing Dracula
we then get trippy scenes of audio and video
is this by david lynch too??
then some guys in a sci fi maybe space thing work on a robot with mechanical claws
now it would be cg
everyone looks the same
shaved heads and white suits
theres many videos of people complaining
wtf is that c3po?!
the robots in contra were better
contra hard corps anyway
then some places blow in fire
they say its an accident
63 people bit it and its 242 total compared to another groups 195
they see this as a success
sounds like liberal logic
hope they were baptized
man everyone in here looks like Patrick stewart
if this were animated it would be easy to c/p the cr-p
I guy in what looks like cyber confession at church, sez he ost focus at something and his mate is acting weird
maybe she needs b0ning?
the voice he confesses to gives non denominational words to him
main guy is named THX (said like a word; thex)
later this chick ries to get a drug but shes had enough
then we get a hairless naked chick hologram dancing
I think 1 guy is getting j-rked off by a machine
also is a hologram of a big sweaty black guy
then a hologram of a guy getting pounded by a bat
future p0rn0 is almost as weird as modern day p0rn0
better than girls turning into huge phallllic monsters
the chick changes the channel to black guys doing comedy
thx is taking pills
winners don't do drugs
a computer sez too much of da drug can cause n imbalance
later in cyber confession he sez his female roommate is having an effect on him
then he pukes offcreen
they never show em puking
the voice he confessed to sez to buy more and be happy
fun message from George lucas, the guy ho made millions on star wars cr-p
later he blax out with the chick
when they ake up they are kinda cuddling
she sez she anted to touch him
wtf is this a p0rn0?
then they make out
then b0ne
we see her nips
they look weird
shes worried about being sen but he sez no one knows
but people are watching them b0ning on a cr-ppy tv
later she sez if he goes back on drugs he wont feel da same
and he'd report her for drug violation
but he sez he wont
she suggests leaving
its really widescreen
I jest noticed
then we get a few numbers and they were cropped the top and bottom off
widescreen ruins shows and movies
later he sez he don't trust someone
she sez hes gonna gem em in trouble
man its been nearly 30 mins
but nothing happened
but it don't feel like it
later Donald pleasance talks to someone9i think thx)
thx wants to know where his woman is
her name is l u h
long underarm hair?
legends united heritage?
I think they wanna split thx and luh to different areas
later some holograms warm of b0ning causing increased purvursions
later Donald comes in thx's aea saying he reprogramed his way in9hes not authorized)
thx sez he'd report him
but only c-ck suckers report people
esp on youtube
don't like, don't look
later thx is working on something and keeps f ing up
the nerds ae monitoring his stats
they try to mind lock him but are stopped
he then has a seizure and drops a radioactive thing in a robot thing and it starts burning through
they in mind lock him and da cops take him out
hes charged with drug evasion and gets a trial
hes also charged wit purvursion
they want him put to sleep for being a purvo
that's racist
he gets detention
later he gets poked with a long stick by a cop and runs in a circle
hes in a white room btw
the cops keep poking him with shock sticks
he starts rocking back an forth while sitting
they gave him severe autism
almost as bad as that Freddie highmore dr show
srsly I never met anyone that autistic ever In my life
and I and my homies had lunch with the autistic class cuz it was nicer in there
its like they had to do a show about a fat guy and use a blob from my 600lb life, instead of a normal john goodman 450lb guy
just go the higher end of the extreme
then thx gets weird sci fi tests
they use computer stuff on him and he spazzes out
but in England, spazz is a slurr
they're a candy a55 country anyway
banning films for no reason
makes me glad to be American
then luh comes in and sez shes preggers
that's what happens when you b0ne!
then they start b0ning again
trying to make her double pregnant I see
then the cops come in
but thx fights back while naked
we never see his footlong btw
how lomng is Robert duval anyway?
they knock him out and later hes dressed and kinda veggie
Donald comes in saying thx turned him in
later Donald sez they might be seen as choosing to not be good citizens
is this the nut house?
btw arresting guys for b0ning?
its like how in some places if a 16 year old seduces a 19 year old, the 19 year old is called a monster
I don't think we should b0ne outside of marriage
but should we be arresting people for not hurting anyone?
its like locking up a guy for shooting a raccoon attacking the neighborhood
that's soviet Canada for ja
Donald gets more cheerful and gets chummy with thx
also he gets kinda like oh bba mma or lennin or castro or mao or trudeau with preaching a new way of doing things to help people
later thx's lunch falls on the floor and Donald brushes it off
the whole area is milky white
theres no dirt anywhere
later donald preaches of escape
hes taken off into the white
oh hes going with thx
he keeps rambling on about cr-p
they meet a black guy who leads em to this door
it leads to a river of people going in huge numbers
they go to a smaller place w/o people and black guy sez hes a hologram
they go out through a dark area and into a computer room
a guy called 91021 (not 90210) warns em its a restricted area
the go on and find a sewer
and a scorpion/centipede thing
is that real??
oh they split up
Donald is through the sewer and computer area
thx is in a spaceship
I think
then thx is with the black guy
later donand sez he wants to go back nd change
a guy comes in and sez to go to a unichaple for prayer
also hes gonna report Donald
so donsld kills him
blac guy sez the only out is where they came in
but thx want to find someone
he finds luh but she looks like a shriveled animal in a bag
the cops get in the room they were in but thx and black guy escape
black guy and I think thx get away in a sci fi car
soon theres a high speed car chase in this gritty cyber city
the car stops for a bit as it overheated but restarts and continues
I think the car crashed but I was reading about the alien rangers
thx continues his escape and climbs a bit vertical ladder in a tunnel
the cop follows him saying hes gonna be safe and cop wants to help
he gives him several ;last chances and sez thx cant survive outside da city
thnx gets up and its an orange sky and sun and the credits roll
the end
wtf did I watch?
its one of those weird 70s films where nothing happens for most of it and has a weird tone
its not bad
its just weird
a lot like 1984
the ending was kinda f'd
he goes to a new area
then what?
what about luh?
what about Donald?
what about the black guy?
it doesn't end. it just stops
for thx 1138 2 i'd like for Donald pleasance to be building a new religion around thx as some kind of ascended being who rose to godhood. the ones in charge try to oppress them and start having them drawn and quartered as a message to those who rebel. one guy goes up and finds thx haS BEEn living on the surface with aliens and cannibals after him and fights to survive by eating them. also his thing is detachable and he can throw it like a boomerang. and he comes down to the inner world built to keep the cannibals and space demons out and is feral from his time outside and takes on anyone who disagrees with him by b0ning them dead while eating em at the same time

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

The Innocents Review

note; i'm innocent of good spelling... kinda
the innocents
this is my review on da innasentz (60s ver)
its based on a play or book or w/e called "the turn of the screw"
that sounds like a p0rn0 or Yugioh card
its widescreen
like half da screen iz blak barz
during da credits it shows names on 1 side and hads on the left
its made in England
the hands are of a chick saying she wants to save kids, not destroy em
sounds like a dr
except in some countries they let you put kids to sleep
then we see a flashback I think of her being interviewed for a gig of looking after 2 kids
oh its their uncle interviewing her
he sez da kids need love
and he cant do it so she must be 100% responsible
the last caretaker bit it and the kids miss her
later she goes to the kids place and talks to the little girl named flora(like the winx club chick?)
later they have tea (not a tea ceremony like the samurai) and flora sez her bro is at school
his name is miles (like miles tails prowler rom sonic?) (better than that malcontent miles from degrassi)
flora wants the main chick to stay
also this brit hag maid works there
then they game 1 kid a bath
its flora
but we don't see anything
later main chick walks flora to her bedroom and flora sez she anted to sleep in everal rooms at once
well, if they chopped her up...
the hag was disturbed by the idea
flora wants to sleep in bed with her pet tortoise but main chick sez she's crush it
they hear a noise but flora sez da hag sed to ignore it
later flora looks out an open window with a breeze and hums
is she summoning something?
then its day and sunny
main chick gets paper email and her and flora read em
I letter disturbs the main chick
flora watches a spider eating a butterfly
I too like seeing bugs fight
once I saw a footlong centipede facing a Japanese death hornet
bad a55
so the letter sez miles was kicked outta school
so he's more like degrassi miles than sonic miles
later miles comes by and seems nice
just wait til the OTHER miles comes out
like in yugioh how the OTHER yugi goes around killing people
lol the hags name is; mrs grose
as in; GROSS! hes got the AIDS everywhere!
at night miles wants to lay awake thinking
I do dat too
but main chick sez its a bad habbit
get aids b--ch! I do wat I want!
they talk about him getting fired from school and his uncle being too busy to care
she tries to get him to talk and help him
but then the wind blows and a candle goes
later its day main chick walks around being disturbed by minor things like birds
she goes up a tower and finds miles covered in birds
that's how supervillains start
she sez she saw a man up there but miles sez hes alone up there
later miles rides a bit white horse
later theyre drawing
main chick thinks floras thunderstorm is a vase of flowers
miles draws a horse
is he a brony?
they talk about theyre house being big and main chicks being small
then they play hide and seek
as she looks she finds a music box and a picture
then miles comes out and grabs her
she complains of a grade schooler overpowering her and flora comes in
candy a55
then they look for her
as she goes around da house she seez a face in the window that retreats into the darkness
then she goes outside
he could be a serial killer
she tells the brit its da man from the tower
and who she just saw a picture of
but brit hag sez he bit it
later the kids are disgruntled so main chick lets em have a costume party and lets em go off on their own
in pet semetary that's how the little blonde kid bit it
brit hag sez in the coldest blackest winter the tower guy bit it falling down steps
also miles found the body
later miles dressed as a king sez some creepy poem
later main chick sez about tower guy(named quint) no one could go against him
also he had a gf
but both bit it and hag wont tell about em
later its day time ad flora has her pet tortoise in the water
she sings a song but it creeps out main chick
also they see a guy in the plants in the pond for a bit
at night she tells brit hag she saw quints gf I the pond
but brit hag don't buy it
this is like wuthering heights with the lovers ghosts
main chick thinks the kids are in danger
and sez they gotta find wat da ghosts want
brit hag sez the quint was mean to the gf
its always guys abusing girls
why not girls abusing guys?
they can be just as bad
if not worse
on degrassi high; Kathleen has an abusive bf.
me; this show is ALWAYS about abusive bf's. scott, rick, the Frenchie..
what next? spinner beating up paige?
spin; I'm tried of you paige! (b00m)(slugs her out) that's for getting me pregnant! and giving me AIDS!!!
brit hag sez after quint bit it the gf did too
main chick sez they otta tell someone like a priest
that's the best guy to tell in a haunting
but brit hag sez it wont work
who better than a priest to fight ghosts?!
not ghost busters
this is like the 1800s or w/e
they aint even in the womb yet
then we getta weird montage of her dealing with her ghost phobia
eventually she wants to tell the uncle
and sez the kids talk of the ghosts and da ghosts are getting closer
she wants to now how quints gf bit it and brit hag sez she bit it in da lake
later main chick sees and hears the gf in a room and finds math on the chalk board and freaks out
how come its ok to have guys bad at math but if chicks are in shows its seen as racist?
I know many guys bad at math
they play Yugioh
main chick sez the ghosts wanna possess the kids to reunite
but that's inbreeding
but that kinda happened in Yugioh zexal with nash and marin becoming rio and shark
but they wernt b0ning
later main chick runs around the dark house with creepy sounds
she fins flora who sezs someones in da garden
they see someone in it and she goes down
she finds miles and hes got a dead bird
then miles makes out with her a bit
this kids gonna grow up to b0ne a lotta chix
later its raining and flora goes to the lake in a gazebo thing
she knows things but not how she learned em
brit hag tries to get flora to admit seeing ghosts but flora freaks out
little b--ch!
later flora is upstairs screaming and brit hag sez its profanity
so brit hag takes flora away to turn her furry or something
later main chick talks to miles but he rejects her
she tries to get him to come out about why he was fried from school
also he read her mail
and he has been seeing and hearing things
he goes on a tirade but behind him appears the quint
he then throws the tortoise through the window and runs out and trips
she comforts him and sez the tirade wasn't his
and once he sez the guys name its over
what is this? the neverending story?
he freaks out, sees quint, dsez quint and blacks out
she sez hes free and safe but turns out he bit it
she smooches him
the end
what kind of ending is that?
is he dead?
in a coma?
but that was a well done film
good atmosphere and tone
brigt but dark
good b/w light and shadow
wonder how a silent german expressionist version would be?
the kids were good actors in this
turns out somehow this got an X rating in soviet England
theres no blood, gore, nude scenes or swear words
in a review of the 2017 my little pony movie, the brits said it was too scary
candy a55 brits think my little pony is too much
good thing they never saw fist of the north star
people asplode
and that's targeting ages 8-15 boys
saint Seiya would give them brain damage from the blood gore and limb removal
but I liked this film
its well made but I wasn't scared
in the 60s to moon landing kids it might be too much
but now we have are you afraid of the dark and goosebumps
those scared the h-ll outta me as a kid
well, just ayaotd with the rotting pool demon
for the innocents 2 I want the main chick to be on trial for killing the kid as she was with him last. but theres no evidence of her actually wacking him. she know she must go back to the house to retrieve his soul from the ghosts. after sneaking outta prison she goes there and finds theres a gate to h-ll on the property cuz its England. she goes in and goes through several levels of dantes inferno to find the miles soul. also its a 16 bit sega genesis and snes and gba and atari jaguar action game set in h-ll where you fight daemons and find items made of human souls and bones and try to get the soul of the kid back. after she beats the quint guy, she absorbs the kid's soul into her body and becomes pregnant with him. once outta h-ll she has a quick pregnancy and poops out the kid who then grows back to his age free of the quint and with h-ll powers.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Christine Review

note; I drive like I spell. and I cant spell I mean dreive
this is my review on chriatine(the 80s one)
its by steven king and has john carpenter doing music
after credits we see cars made in Detroit 1957 as bad to the bone plats
spoilewr; afte 2008-2016; Detroit didn't make cars as the work went to mexico to avoid unions
both unions and democrats ruined Detroit
then a guy is working on this red car and the hood busts his hand
is that a Ferrari mustang?
I don't know cars
my mom does
she don't got a car fetish or anything
later they find a black guy dead in the car
they killed off the one black guy earlier than most films
then it the distant future year of 1978 and in soviet California aka new Sodom
this nerdy guy named arnie gets a lift in a blue car from his homie
at school the homie has other jocks chat with him about playing football (REAL football. not soccer you euro purvos!) and his knee healing
also this blonde likes the homie
one lusty guy chats with homie over thick chick is into
he wants to b0ne her
later the nerd is being harassed by cooler kids
steven kings childhood?
one punk knifes his yogurt
I had yogurt in grade school
one day that nerds gonna snap and shoot up the place
homie fights the punks guy gets choked
a teacher comes in and nerd outs the punk for having a switchblade
he threatens the teacher if teacher searches him but teacher sez he'd call da cops
punk shows his blade and gets sent to the office
but sez hes gonna f the nerd
later nerd and homie find a beat up red car
is that a Ferrari mustang?
nerd wants it and this 1800s gold rush looking guy sells him it for 250$$
the car is named Christine
did he give it a chicks name so its not gay to b0ne it?
there are guys who b0ne cars
1800s guy got her in 57 and had adventures with her
later his mom is being a b--ch about nerd buying a car
I think nerd and homie are brothers
nerd stands up to his b--chy mom but she don't want him to have a car
later at night homie aND nerd drive to a garage
the junk dealer is a harda55 who's face looks like a bad mask
btw arnie isn't a nerd name anymore after Schwarzenegger restored it
later some nerd is working on Christine and junk dealer softens toward him
junk dealer sez he'd give nerd some work and parts
later the jocks lust after the chick the guy wants to b0ne as she chews a pencil eraser
homie goes up to the chick and asks her out
she sez no cuz she already has a date
but why don't he notice da blonde?
blondes are better
later nerd turns down a movie with homie to do work for the junk guy
his mom b--ches at him
mom tells homie(who's actually his best friend) the last owner bit it in da car
1800s guy tells how his bro(the last owner) has everyone near him bite it cuz of the car and didn't care
homie goes to check out Christine after hours and the radio starts on its own
but turns off after he leaves
later its a football game at high school
and nerd is making out with da chick everyone wants to b0ne
this distracted homie and he gets busted
also nerd is becoming more bada55 and christine is more restored
later irts November 5th. guy fawkes day in gaye olde englande and chichi's birthday in dbz
nerd visits homie and hes out of football from his damage
at least he didn't get brain damage
nerd sez he sed he'd drop outta school idf his b--chy mom didn't let him register the car
she wanted him to stay her baby
like that movie; the baby, that I reviewed
later its raining at a drive in at night and nerds gf domnt wanna b0ne him in the car
he loves the car more than her
car fetish!
just b0ne the car!
you know you wanna
she smacks the car
as erd gets out to fix da wipers, da at lights up and locks him out
oh and the girl chokes on a burger
but a guy opens the car and saves her with a Heimlich
later he gets her home and she gets mad at him for the car nearly icing her
later he parks at the garage and after he leaves the guys who hassled him for his lunch bust up his car
they should've b0ned it and covered it in their j-zz
this destruction scene goes on for a while
is this like they're raepeing it?
da next day nerd and gf come in and find the car totaled
he freaks out when gf comforts him
at dinner he blames his rents for not letting him park it at home
rents wanna help him get a new car bit hes a d-ck and walks out
dad confronts him but he fights back
is this a thing for drugs?
its just like batman beyond
every 4th ep is a thing for drugs
spellbinder's illusion world
shrieks minion and his tuning fork that stimulates the pleasure center of his brain
the splicers
the slappers
later he talks to Christine and it regenerates like a godmaster in transformers super god master force
lter the fat punk who looks like Dwayne from degrassi high meets Jonah hill gets huntr down by Christine
just get off the road dumba55!
he goes through an alley but the car chases through
later hes I a corner and pulls a switchblade
but Christine crushes itself through the bricks and wastes him
later nerd chats with homie about the car being totaled and how the guys will do it again
later the cops talk to nerd about the car
nerd calls his gf but shes done with him
later the vpunks who hassled nerd are driving and Christine goes after em
they stop at a gas station and get out but Christine busts their car
then crushes a punk
the car he was near catches fire and the gas station blows as Christine drives off in flames
bad a55
it hen chases down the main punk who pulled a switchblade at school
later Christine returns to da garage all charred and blackened
junkdealer confronts the nerd he thinks is in da car but its empty
he gets in but the car moves da seat up and crushes his a55
the next day nerd comes to the garage and cop from b4 questions him where he was
junk dealer was iced in Christine with a shot gun in the front seat
also the cops know the punks bit it
later gf talks to homie about da car
she think she was next for da car to ice
they plan to ice da car to save nerd
homie gets a from nerd and they drink beer
nerd drinks to everyone biting it in 1979
then chats about love and issues with it
but hes talking about Christine
later gf and homie set a trap to bust Christine at the garage
but Christine gets da drop on em and nearly wacks gf
homie slowly goes after christine in a bull dozer
homie protects gf with the shovel of the bulldozer and Christine keeps bashing
this is like dbz vs cell or buu
after some chases and cr-p Christine crashes in front of gf and nerd flies out
I think he bites it
she walks out and Christine chases her but hoimie nails christimne with the bull dozer
Christine drives slowly but homie busts it up with the shovel end
then it regenerates
but homie drives the dozer over it as rock from da 50s plays
later cristine is cubed and homie gf and cop regret not saving nerd
they hear 50s rock but its a guy with a ghetto blaster
then the cube creeks and credits roll with bad to the bone playing
the end
that was pretty good
steven king may have bad political views but he writes good cr-p
my cool 90s aunt likes his books
for Christine 2 I want the crushed cube car to twist and bend and poop out a baby half car half human as the nerd was b0ning it and Christine got pregnant. the car human is treated like cr-p by people until a rock band finds it and it becomes their mascot. they rise up and the car human gets into drugs and goes around wasting people while driving around. also its a rock and roll musical with many 80s songs and glam rock cr-p

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Manhunt In The Jungle Review

note; my bad spelling ids my gimkick
manhunt in the jungle
this is my review on manhunt in the jungle(1958)
i never saw this b4
wtf its in color
it starts with a zoon on a map of brazil and a song about da amazon
then credits
find da cure
it sez its filmed in south america
then text saying in 1928 a guy went to the amazon and sent radio messages
then narrator sez in the 1753 a portuguese explorer found a jungle city thats made with high skill\
so muc for evolution saying we evolved from primitive things
so the portugalo sent a message but the guy getting it didnt act
years later in the 20th century (fox) a brit found the message and went to find the lost city
but he and his men vanished
then another brit went after him 3 years later
they get a truck and drive on
they need 4 more men but the natives dont wanna help
i actually know a guy in brazil
he's nice
hes from da 80s
also they are bringing 3 tons of supplies
i portugaulo braziliano sez the 1st brit was iced by bandits for his gold
what is this? mad max?
2nd brit looks for natives who have reasons to ditch town
1 guy lost cash so he'd pay his bills
1 guy he gave a record player
1 guy stole a chicken and a big black guy was gonna chop him up
so brit 2 payed for it
they plan their route after where brit 1 went
1 guy shows an electric eel
spoiler; eel is delicious
except when the brits make it
eel pie?!
eel sushi is the best!!
also they call the jungle "green h-ll"
thats where tam tam from samurai shodown lives!
the see some guys wife who has black magic powers
she lets evil proits use her and tells em cr-p
thats not good man
who knows what those daemons will say?
could be lies to f u up
they meet a guy who last saw brit 1 and he leads em to the water
but theres electric eels in it
but they get through it
then they go through a desert
after a sand thing and 27 days of walking, they got out of the desert
i had no idea there were deserts in brazil
then they take a river and find a sign carved in a tree from brit 1
they find a small animal and keep it with em
tts night (even though its well lit) and they gotta face the monsters of the jungle
theres a jaguar in it
but it dont f em
the next day a guy bathes in the river
hope the leaches donrt get ur parts
but a big a55 snakje attacks him
hope it dont go in yo a55
the other dudes save him
after 2 weeks they move 190 miles
later a boat tarts going under and they fix it
lthey find natives doing some ritual
also brit 2 explains the spaniards thought the natives were chicks cuz of their outfits
and named it after the amazons
imagine if they tried b0ning one of the alleged women and found out its a dude
if threy were brits instead of spaniards they'd keep going lol
they leave w/o the ritualers seeing em as they say they'd be b0ned dead by the natives if seen
later they eat fish stew and dont like it
thats racist
then they go through rapids and a boat flips
buit they make it
they realize they cant go back as something about the river
so they go on
then one guy gets eaten by piranha
they go on and find another ign carved in a tree by brit 1
they find some remnants of past civilization and think its 11 000 years old
but creation science dates da urth at 6000 max
they find a cave and fear cannibals
but its just got bats
thousands of bats
later they send 1 guy ahead to radio
they wonder when they'll find more natives
they meet a tribe and ask em about brit 1
but this other guy swore em to silence
so they try to get other guy to come to them
the natives keep grabbing the radio cr-p
1 guy gets p-ssed but they cool the situation
the next day the natives booked it
they find a piece of fabric from brit 1's pants
and a chief
oh its the other guy
they give him a shirt in exchange for bringing them to his village
at the village theres chicks with their b00bs showing
2 hot 4 tv
brit 2 uses his science to fake being magical
just use ur ki to blow over a mountain
worked in dragon ball
they offer him a wife but hes married
one chick has a thing with the logo of the company that equipped brit 1
they try a picture but chief slams the cam
they show him sparkles
why'd they bring sparklers on a jungle trip?!
did they have sparklers in 1928?!
they find other stuff from brit 1 but chief goes
later the natives start going mental so they use sparklers and fire works to scare em off
later chief wants to see brit 2 alone
hes gonna b0ne him!!
chief takes brit 2 to a past campsite with evidence of brit 1
chief tells him through pantomime that brit 1  came by and some guys wasted em
but brit 2 knows cheif iced them
chief reads brit 2's ki and knows hes on to him
so he tries to cap him
but the safety is on
so brit 2 takes it and caps a bird
so chief thinks only white people can use guns
the natives return
btw most of this is movie narrated by brit 2
a translator sez the tomorrow the natives will ice everyone who don't go
1 guy cant take it and books it on a canoe
chief offers info for boots
he sez he'd show them brit 1's bones in a city of stone
also chief has a bandanna of the guy who booked it
brit 2 sends a last radio message saying da situation
they then have a Christmas thing
the natives would kill everyone if brit 2 left em
da team packs up and boat down da river
and left cr-p behind for the natives to buy time
they scape down the river and wonder if the lost city is near
the end
they didn't even find the city
good movie though
based on a true story
seems like a thing you'd see on offbeat cinema
but I enjoyed it
for manhunt in the jungle 2 i'd like for a psychic in japan to receive a psychic message from the brit who went to find the city and it says he's alive and in the city but he's running out of time before the natives come for him. so japan sends a rescue team in the 30s after him with thre best armor and weapons they have. when the natives try to ice em they fight back as they took weapons with em instead of the brits and cut them down. they find the brit and ancient city and claim it for japan but more natives attack and its an epic clash between japan and brazil. also its an up to 4 player 16 bit game on sega genesis and snes and gba and you play as up to 4 japanese warriors fighting jungle animals, natives, and the final boss is a jungle sasquatch who leads the natives from the shadows who helped build the city.