Sunday, October 29, 2017

House Of The Dead Review

note; I want this game movie game
house of the dead
this is my review for hoise of da ded (the movie from 200x(when mega maN 01 happened)
its based on a sega Saturn game that I played a bit in the arcade
I never played it long and the best I did was like 1/2 through ;level 1
but I enjoyed it
my italiano high school homie let me play hotd overkill on his wii
that was just fun
the black guy swears like Samuel l Jackson with tourettes
this film was directed by universally hated video game movie director uwe boll
I saw alone in the dark and thought it wasn't bad
also this as shot in soviet Canada
brittish Columbia, where they have cocainum and crumpets
wasn't 1 Columbia bad enuff?
and this ones brittish!
one actor is enuka okuma who was android 18 in dbz, lady une in Gundam wing, and the black chick in sue Thomas f b eye
it starts with a guy saying how it started days ago
then we get weird neon visuals
holy cr-p its a distorted playing of the arcade/saturn game
and jurgen proinchow is in this
in most arcades the blood is green
but I remember seeing it red
the 1st guy introduces the teens and their backstories
ones a blonde bimbo
they came for a rave to some island
the opening credits look like a bad tv movie
like sea ghost or grizzly rage or...
what was the one with the bad cgi tentacles on the boat that canges it form?
that had terribad cgi
all I remember is this guy's fave xxx star showed up and did a dance and opened her mouth and a fake a55 tentacle came out and got the guy
I haven't seen it in years
it was kinda bad but was fun
at a calm rave with early 00s teens and a small band and sega logo, one tries to call but theres no cell service
one of the main teens trying to get to the party meets a p-ssed off boatman who don't ant em to get 2 da island
its the island of the dead
so the title is wrong
but his superior brings e along
the boatman don't wanna go
after nearly getting stopped for a drug check, superior goes anyway
he has issues with the drug searcher chick
on the beach this thong chick swims but her bf is too candy a55 to swim in cold water
when she gets out hes gone
on the boat ride a guy spews bear on a chick and on the island I think she changes her top
the boatman gives her a cross for protection
this isn't Castlevania
the thong chick goes looking for her bf in a house and zombies get her
also a zombie got him b4
such useful characters
oh turns out they are still on the boat and she changed in the boat inside
the editing was unclear
like d w Griffith shifting between 2 points at the same time
but bad
the 5 teens get to the island and find a bridge over boiling water
superior plans to ditch the teens on the island as he has his own cr-p to deal with
after walking til dark, the 5 teens get to the rave but its empty
later the bimbo and her bf are gonna b0ne do the rest go off
boat guy goes in da woods and something gets him
bimbo and bf are gonna b0ne outside but it might rain so they go in a tent
then he has to p-ss after all the drinking he did
b0ne or get off the bimbo!
b0ne or don't b0ne
make up ur mind
it starts raining and superior gets his gun
I like da lighting
it looks light neon blue
then the zombies get the bimbo
the 4 I mean 3 teens find the house and wanna go in
but a milky guy with scars watches em
in it some ravers attack em but stop when they recognize em
they watch video camera footage of the rave attacked by undead
one guy compares it to night dawn and day of the dead by George a romero
and wants twilight of the dead
spoiler he made like 3 newer ones
and everyone hated em
I didn't
they all walk to da boat
its to the rave
to get the bimbo and bf
they find a turned over outhouse and in it was bf with minor stains
bimbo comes out and snaps a guys neck
then a guard or w/e caps her
its the drug search chick
her name is casper
that's ghosts not zombies
zombies try to get on superiors boat but he caps em
the  teens go through the woods back across the bridge with the milk guy watchin
if it took from day to night to get there wont it take em til the next sunrise to get back?
zombies attack under da bridge but they ice em
they run to 90s music and get to the boat
but its out a bit
so they swim
zombies swimming attack but casper machineguns and grenades
btw under 3 feet of water bulets are useless
but not here!!
superior also fires with a laser sight rife
this is pretty cool
bright cool colors
good music
nice action
1 guy I think da bf gets his face f';d by a zombie
after wondering why theres zonbies da captain sez why
in the past a Spanish boat a guy was banished for black experiments
he got away and enslaves da natives on this island ever since
then how is he alive 250 years later??
and isnt this the west coast?
how'd a spain ship get there?
then zombies attack and they run
good zombie make up
they look decroded
1 guy hides under a hill thing like in lord of the rings
but the zombies return and get him
the survivors wanna go 2 da house but superoir who s really a captain and I'm sick of typing supereior reveals he has Cuban cigars and guns
the cap is jurgen prnchpow
casper sez the patrol can save em in the daytime
they arm up and fight zombies
its pretty bada55
pluds cool cirvcle 360 shots
where the camera goes around em
but it plays cr-ppy rap
and it keep splicing in clips of the arcade/saturn game
ohh the Asian In the skimpy American flag thing got eaten
this guy sees all the fight gfastforward at high speed I clips for A SEC then
btw each time someone bits it it shows a camera going around em and going red
they're running outta ammo and casper gets attacked
1 guy hides her in a house
captain uses knifes and they lock the zombies in a shed
captain gets bit and wait they hid inside this cabin thing, not zombies in da shed
the guy with the f'd face is bummed about his wound
spoiler; scars are cool
y'know if they had samurai swords they could cut through the zombies
wtf is the sun up??
it was just night!
face guy kisses enuka okuma and she comforts him
told ja scars are cool
wait its not sun up
its just bright at night
the fast forward flashback guy is bummed the Asian chick got eaten
he looks like ash from evil dead and brad swaile from Gundam wing and dbz
he kisses the smart chick but enuma okuma sez captains getting worse
enuka okuma sez the banished Spaniard iced the boat captain and burned da boat
they find a room with corpses and 1700ds science cr-p
also mutated blood
cap hears whistling and goes out to find boatguy as a zombie
so he caps him
he lights dymanite and lets the zombies get him and blows apart
inside they find gunpowder but someones gotta stay behind to light it so they cant use it
in a fish tank of blood is a thing a guy shoots and the blood revives the dead in the lab
why shoot it? its in a fish tank!!
they escape and 1 guy shoots gunpowder with a bad cgi bullet as the zombies grab him and blows it all to h-ll
3 survivors
the 3 are in tunnels and cap zombies on the at to the beach
the take turns capping zombies til they run out
just shoot away from the screen to reload
enuka okuma sacrifices herself to save 2 of em
they just eat her and go away
a cloaked guy brings em to a dungeon thing
oh its a guy from b4
he was wearing the guys skin as a mask
its milky
how'd he get the kin to stay on so perfect?
shouldn't it be all f'd out?
milky guy is the Spaniard who's black science let him life forever
he wants their flesh but with throwing acid and stabbing the Spaniard they get out and the place asplodes somehow
btw NOW its day
not all the other times it ad clear daylight in from the windows
less this took place over like 3 weeks
milky survived and comes out and beats the last guys a55
the last chick (the smart one) sword fights him
its pretty good
but she shanks her between the t-ts
the guy lops off his head with an axe
but the body keeps going
so the chick stomps it and da brains bust out
then she bites it
so shes strong enuff to stomp him but not to last more than a few seconds?
later a chopper comes down and G and the other guy come out
oh the chick is still kinda alive
the guy sez his name is Rudolph curien
better than Rudolph krauser from fatal fury
he narrates saying; is this he end, or da beginning?
the end
with rap credits
that was pretty good
I liked it
back in the 00s there was this and resident evil as movies
I prefer the hotd games
but this was pretty good
nice action and fight scenes
good gore
the acting wasn't bad
I man yeah its not gone with the wind or birth of a nation
but its a decent horror action 90s/00s film
good gore 2
aw f
I forgot to mae power rangers comments about 5 multi ethnic teens with attitude being power rangers
f my butt!!
for house of the dead 2 I want the surviving girl to have been modified by cybernetics to have a nucular core in her that ca fire nucular beats out her torso. she goes bacvk to the island to clean up the remaining zombies but her core fuses with her turning her nucular and giving her nucular powers. also her bf is trying to find a cure so they can b0ne w/o him being microwaved

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