Sunday, October 15, 2017

Blacula Review

note; I spell like homies talk. wiggle wiggle
this is my review on blacula
I like 70s films, Blaxploitation and horror
so this movie is cool
too bad we never had dolemite vs blacula
btw the guy who plays blacula was the king of cartoons on pee wees playhouse
that's awesome
also this isn't about the quantum leap guy scott blacula
bakura from Yugioh
bakuryu from bloody roar
bakuryuha from Inuyasha
bakuretsu senshi aka cyraid on game boy
bakuretsu hunters the anime
ooh mgm did this
and American international
its widescreen
so in 1780 at draculas castle an African prince and his wife have dinner with Dracula
the prince wants to branch out his peoples stuff and improve relations
but Dracula don't wanna end slavery(part of the princes deal)
spoiler; irl the slaves were caught and sold to Europe and Americas by other Africans
so the meeting falls apart and big D sends his goons after the prince
they fight
its better than dolomite
prince is over powered and KO'ed
also draculas vampire 5kanks get the wife
Dracula drinks the prince and curses him to be a vampire
he names him blacula like hes a pokemon and seals him away in a box in his castle
also the wife has to spend her life outside the box
they get sealed in a hidden room in the castle
then we get 70s music and animation of bats and blood
oh the blood is a chick
I think the bat is b0ning her
then its the present of the 70s
some guys are gonna buy draculas castle
they say Dracula was wiped out 150 years ago
in the 1850s??
I think the guys are butt buddies
when da castle was restored they found hidden rooms
so the butt buddies go in one and buy the boxes in it
later its shipped to America
good funky 70s music though
later in a warehouse at night the butt buddies open the boxes
one guy wounds his arm and blood comes out
then blacula arises and sucks his arm
the other butt buddy attacks blacula but it does nothing
then blacula sucks him
is this were in the 80s they'd mention the aids
but its the 70s
although vampires are undead so germs cant harm em
blacula puts on a cape and remembers draculas words
man its been nearly 20 mins
that felt like nothing
blacula returns to his box
later the butt buddies are having a service and blacula makes the afro butt buddy move
but the people think its a muscle reflex
this shaft like cop detective Gordon(flash Gordon? or the sesame street guy?) sez hes gonna help
wait, hes a scientist
the under taker sez he fixed up the neck to cover a "rat bite"
also hes bloodless
the other butt buddy is at another place as hes white
afro butt buddy's fam walks home and goes on different routes
1 in purple platform shoes and a mini skirt (like tea gardner in Yugioh) runs into blacula who recognizes her as his wife
she runs and he chases to 70s music
she gets away and blaculas gets hit by a taxi
this sassy black lady is driving the taxi and is kind of a b--ch to him
but gets nervous as he bares his fangs and sucks her
the wife mk II returns home but hears pounding on the door
pounding my a55
but its her friend or sister or w/e from b4 and she tells her the blacuila got her purse
meanwhile blacula returns to his box and we get calm music
the next day the scientist checks the taxi driver(not Robert de niro) blacuka ate
he sez the cops lost the reports on the butt buddies
he sez the cops don't care cuz the victim was black
but his butt buddy was white
he sez to bring the reports to the club tonight cuz its some chicks b day
oh its the wife 2.0's sister
she tells scientist about the sisters encounter with blacula
that night at the club is a 70s band singing 70s musc
wtf i read Gordon pincent is in this
hes a big deal in soviet Canada
at the club blacula meets the sisters
he explains he didn't mean to scare wife 2 and returned her purse
now theyre all droogs
during a different song scientist finds the butt buddies body is gone
a cool guy called skillet comes in and takes their picture
blacula leaves but makes plans to meet wife gx tomorrow
later the chick who took pictures returns home and develops em
shes in a skimpy dress you'd expect to see in sailor mooin
she notices blacula isn't in any pictures
then blacula comes in and sucks her
he also destroys the pix
how'd he know what cameras do?
also; how'd he know they'd have his non image?
a cop helps her after blacula left but she's turned and bites him
later scientist talks with Gordon pincent (head cop) who wont let him dig up a grAVE cuz of the paperwork nightmare
but then he gets him the permit anyway
later he calls scientist and sez he couldn't get the permit
scientist wins over his gf (wife 2's sister) to dig up the butt buddies grave
also he reads about vampires
later blacukla meets the wife 2 at her home and sez she's his wife
he gives her his backstory of his village elders trying to stop the slave trade
also he became a vampire by Dracula(which she don't believe in) and shes his wife reincarnated
he wants to go back to Africa with her but she cant
he wont force her as he wants her to come of her own free will
they then make out
are they gonna b0ne?
that's like necrophililia
meanwhile scientist and gf dig up butt buddies grave and he comes out as a vampire
oh its the white butt buddy
he attacks em so scientist easily shanks him with a stake
gf freaks out about killing him and him being alive but scientist sez; its ok, hes undead
that's racist
also the afro butt buddy is out there
what if the afro butt buddy reunited with his butt buddy and they b0ned?
double necrophililia!
the dead b0ning the dead
scientist calls the body guy and has him take out the taxi driver but lock the door
btw body guy has a hook for a hand
after he takes her outta the fridge he gets a phone call
scientist gets the Gordon pincent and they go to the morgue
the taxi driver defrosts and gets the body guy
he didn't lock da door
meanwhile after b0ning wife 2, blacula goes home as its almost sun up
she sez she loves him
scientist and Gordon pinscsit
arrive and find the taxi driver
scientist holds it off with a cross and the sun cooks her
now gordin pinsent belives him
but they cant let anyone know they are hunting vampires
or they'd think they're nuts
later at da club scientist talks with blacuka about the occult and eases into vampires
they play their cards right s as to not reveal too much
blacuka leaves as skillet arrives
later scientist checks out the picture chick's place and maybe finds the photos
he realizes blacula is with wife 2 and goes after her
he attacks blacula but is no match and blacula leaves
so scientist and a cop follow
the cop empties a gun into him and it does nothing and blacula beats him dead
later scientist regroups with gormin sinpint
a cop sees the butt buddy and they tail him
but they get away
btw a vampire gotta return to his box b4 sun up
but these vamps never had coffins
how dat work?
so the cops including gorgin pinent find the butt buddy is at the ware house it started in
the find butt buddy with other vamps
cops open fire but it does nothing
why not shoot their neck til their head comes off?
worked in mad bull 34
the vamps eat the low rank cops but scientist throws oil lamps and they burst into fire when thrown
these aint holy water and this isn't Castlevania
the warehouse goes up in fire
isn't this how THEM ended?
blacula sez he moved his box and he turns into a bat and escapes
btw the scientist sez vamps increase like 1 2 4 8 16 ect each night
if that was true how'd Europe not get over taken decades ago?
the next night I think, the cops set up a big thing around wife 2
the townspeople are  going mental over it for some reason
this is L A btw
aka new Sodom
blacula mind messages wife 2 and she goes out
I think its mind control
also he turns into a bat and flies around
the cops follow her to a chemical plant zone
I just realized that maybe all blaculas vics vampires might be sharing a coffin with blacula
so wife II returns to blacula in the chemical plant zone and they try to escape
a cop caps em and wastes the wife
so blaxulas beats him dead
he decides to vamp her
after sucking her he declares war on the people who caused this
they hear it cuz he uses his outside voice
he then starts icing em one by one
he chucks 1 guy into other guys on the stairs
but I think they live
scientist finds blaculas box and in it is wife
gordin pincent shanks her right after it opens and she eventually bites it
blacula comes in and finds her iced
having nothing left to exist for he goes upstairs and gets cooked by the sun
to be fair, he could just wait for her to be reborn again
the music is kinda like in reanimator
he lasts a while (longer than count orlok) and when gordin pinseint and scientist find him his skuin cooks off his bones
the end
that was pretty good
not as good as I remember it
the 1st time I saw it (on offbeat cinema) the last 15 mins felt like a video game
but its entertaining
its good if ur into, to quote the simpsons; anything from the vampires point of view?
hes not evil, but has to suck people cuz of the vamp thing
I liked this
btw the whole; reborn love, story was used by sailor moon with serena and darien
for blacula 2 i'd like for the sister of the wife to get into black magic to try to revive the sister. but it goes wrong and turns her into a were wolf. now every time she sees the moon she turns into a black wolf and goes around eating people. also her sister's soul guides her to ice drug dealers and she goes around doing that. its a 16 bit sega genesis and snes and gba game where you play as the wolf chick and escape building to get to a window to see moonlight. also the building are full of drug dealers after you. turn were wolf you go around choppin em up.

No comments:

Post a Comment