Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Dynamite Review

note; this movie is long. too long to spel right
this is my review on dynamite
its by cecil b demille and is from 1929, right after the silent era
ooh it has joel mccrea and William holden
so it starts with a trial and the main guy gets convicted of murder
he gets the noose
his sister freaks out cuz hes all she has
btw his sister is like 12 and hes like 40
his mom must've stayed fertile for quite some time
or maybe had him in grade school
elsewhere, this rich chick is disgruntled that she has to marry to inherit her grandpas cash
grandpa knew his daughter needed someone to help keep her in line
and theres a 1 month leftb4 her 23rd b day
after that, shes out of the thing
she reveals shes gonna marry another guy
but his wife wont let him
this just went springer
maybe maury
later at a 1920s country club these chicks play outside games
ooh, archery
in high school I watched Inuyasha and copied kagomes movements to do well at archery in gym class
I also copied hitomi's movements from escaflowne to do well in track long jump
so main chick talks with the guy she's b0ning about finding a way to get eachother and da cash
he reminds me of the white pride guy from the great Gatsby
got the moustache too
b0ning guy's wife casually chats with them about who gets who when
i'll call b0ning guy Gatsby
man, even in the 20s people were awful
they only care about cash and b0ning
they're like rappers
but they don't mispronounce words to force rhymes
wife and main chick talk about how much to pay for Gatsby
wife wants 200 000 zeni I mean screws I mean $ for her man
they agree to have a race and whoevr wins gets their price
this is the kinda stuff sailor venus or wedding peach would beat em up for
then theres a race in metal wheels where they roll and spin across the lawn
this is like a mario party thing
main chick wins but her and wife fall in da pool
later main guy offers his brain and body for science for 10 000 $
he was a weepy moment with his sister
he needs cash to keep her a place to live
main chick comes by and offers him enough cash to save his sister if he marries her
he sez to bring da cash 1st
later they build the gallows and the priest marrys them
they promise to forsake all others as long as they both live
no b0ning for 45 mins
can she do it?
place bets now
holy cr-p its 30 mins in already
that whizzed by
the next day (I think) shes in bed (no men there yet) and crys as the clock rings
elsewhere a nervous guy talks with a guy who looks like a manlier pee wee herman
pee wee keeps talking about what mai guy is going through b4 getting the noose
its really effing with nervous guy
he cant take it and nearly shanks pee wee
but peee wee caps him and he reveals hes the real killer and main guy is innocent
then he bites it
does he go to h-ll? I mean he confessed and all
and I don't think they show or mention pee wee ever again
does he get the chair?
was it self defence?
later main guy stops by main chick's place
shes disgruntled he wants to keep their promise to God
and wants to pay him to go
then her homies arrive for a party and she sends main guy upstairs
brw the main chicks name is Cynthia
her friends call her cyn
7 deadly cyns
cyn tells Gatsby the deal and he sez shes (shades) playing with dynamite!(yeaaaaaaaaah)
wife comes by for her 1st payment
she writes the check but main guy overhears
main guy goes to the bathroom and eats bath salts
if this were made today he'd go demon and eat people
but he spits em out here
main guy meets Gatsby and cyn and they reveal their parts
also he reveals cyn payed for Gatsby
despite him b0ning a lot of chicks, he thinks her paying for him is in bad taste
also Gatsby sez things stay as they are
and if cyn gives wife cash gatsbys done with cyn
wife wants to out cyn but cyn outs herself
main guy comes down and the drunk homies joke around
main guy cant take it and kicks the homies out
I think they tried to b0ne him
they swarmed him and all
some 20s bimbos crush on him as he kicks everyone out
I think in the real version the homies were on drugs
man we're an hour in and not much happened
but I'm enjoying this
cyn wants him to sleep in the servents quarters
he has gotten the 10 000 $ for the marriage
he goes up to see her and punches through a locked wood door
she fights him but he overpowers her and throws her in bed
he doesnt b0ne her but rather tells her off that he don't want her
then he returns to his mining town
2 weeks later his sister goes to school and sez; i'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on
that's what dennis rodman I mean Wesley snipes said in demolition man
in there his head came off and smashed
cyn comes to miner town and sez she has to be living with her husband on her 23rd b day to get the cash
he don't wanna go to live with her
esp after she treated him after he helped her last time
so she lives with him as his wife for a week
but not as in b0ning
just cleaning and cooking
I should mention that women wernt considered legally persons until the late 20s in soviet Canada
the unborn still aint
but raccoons have rights
cant shoot a coon or you get charged
my cousin's cat was shredded by those demons
and in japan they f up temples
later cyn tries to cook
but s-cked at it
he sister comes in and helps her by doing all the work for her
main guy likes it but cyn admits its not hers
they grow closer over honesty
he sez her diamonds are made of coal and love is like coal
then tells about his life as a coal miner
they listen to da radio and hear the song that played at their wedding
then a worker comes by and gets him to help in a dangerous area of the mine to help someone
later cyn is at a store and buys a kid a candy
then the kid gets run over offscreen
what is this? CHI NA!?
the truck driver feels sorry
its not CHI NA
the kid needs a brain surgeon in the city
and they need cash and a fast car
so cyn uses her car she promised not to use
3 hours later they're waiting for her to get da dr
did the car crush in his head?
its all bandaged up
maybe they spilled out and need to be tied back in
cyn brings the dr and they can save him
main guy comes back and is p-ssed she took out the car and busted out his garae
he thinks she was b0ning her bf
she doesn't ever say what she did and decides to book it
then the townsfolk come by and reveal she saved that kid
and used her own cash to pay for it
and drove it herself
she calls her Gatsby and sez she wants him to get her
she gives vague instructions on how to get there
he somehow finds it and sez he sent his wife to reno
he wants to see main guy 1st as he don't wanna steal another guys woman
didn't stop u from b0ning a chick while married to another
they go to the mine and deep in it
a guy sez its not good for a lady in a mine
what about hermaphrodites?
like yubel from Yugioh gx
or baron Ashura in Mazinger Z?
they reach main guy but he don't wanna see em
they're gonna leave but da mine collapses in
good use of miniatures
the guys topside start trying to get em
but they deep underground
although there was light outside the tunnels when they caved in
main guy sez they can be saved in 3 days
but theres only enuff air for 15 mins
yu hav watt yu kneed co hae gen! nao geev deez peep ell eiya!(in Arnold voice)
also gas is getting in
main guy admits he loves cyn
but also hes not getting out
theres a place with air behind a wall
but they have dynamite but no fuses
so hes gonna hammer it and sacrifice himself
topside the workers are gonna drill nonstop to save em
Gatsby tosses a coin for who ets to blow apart
he wins
but they fight over it
this is like in Robotech where rick was into lisa and mnmei
cyn has to choose who gets to live
after hiding in a rock wall, Gatsby tells main guy she chose him
then has main guy say bye to cyn behind the wall
then sez; that's that. batter up.
and hits the dynamite and blows into chunks'
cyn sez she told Gatsby she loved main guy
topside the workers hear the boom and now they're alive in it
main guy and cyn (CYberNet) walk through the opening to air
wat about the gas getting in?
the end
that was well done
its like 2 hours but don't feel like it
demille did it again in the ten commandments
I like how the main guy talks sorta 30s style
and it captures life like events like kids getting in over and couple spats
I believed it
even if some parts were kinda convenient like him getting freed from the noose
but truth is stranger than fiction
I've heard worse irl
for dynamite 2 i'd like it to be the main guy and cyn in the tunnel as they wait to be rescued and start having psychic experiences of heir past as they reval eachothers childhoods. also they fight the urge to eat the pieces of the guy who sacrificed himself in the 1st movie to save em. in the end they realize he can live on as a part of them and they eat him then b0ne to remake him as their 1st kid. also the kid who got run over has psychic abilities unlocked from his brain damage and starts gaining powers that make him a super hero in dynamite 3 where hes a teen and taking on f d r's commie squads to protect real americans

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