Tuesday, August 30, 2022

Outside The Law Review

 Note: I spell leegal but not illegal

Outside The Lat

This is my review on Outside The Law from the distant futeure year (To Ben Hur) of 1920(100 years beforre Transsdormers Victory I meabn Super God Masterfirce)

Its directed by Toddd Browning who did The Devil Doll, Mark of the Vampire, Freaks, Draculas, West Of Zanzibar, The Unknown, The Show, The Blackbird, The Unholy Three,White Tiger, The Wicked Darling, and is kind of the 20s Tim Burton

It stars Priscilla Dean from The Wicked Darling/White Tiger, Lon Chaney from The Unholy Three (both versions)/West of Zanzibar/Laugh, Clown, Laugh/Mockery/The Unknown/Mr. Wu/The Blackbird//The Phantom of the Opera/The Monster/He Who Gets Slapped/The Hunchback of Notre Dame/The Shock/Oliver Twist/Flesh and Blood/The Ace of Hearts/The Penalty/The Wicked Darling, Ralph Lewis from Thhe Avenging Conscience/The Birth Of A Nation/Intolerance/Flesh and Blood/The 20s Dante's Inferno/Abraham Lincoln, E. Alyn Warren from The Trail of '98/Son of the Gods/Abraham Lincoln/The Hatchet Man/The Mask of Fu Manchu/The Devil-Doll/Gone with the Wind, John George from The Unknown/Scaramouche/The Prisoner of Zenda, Anna May Wong from The Theif of bag daxd/The Toll of the Sea, and some 1800s ddes i never saw in anytrhing

I never saw this but Lon Chaney and Todd Browing are usually a good mix

So affter title and creditys we get a book on The Saying of confucious and 1 quote sez; if a country has only good rulers for a century, ciime anthe death penalty can end

too bad ewe keep electing deviants and monsters like the marquis de sade jr in canada

then it sez in chinatown in san fran aids the asians and followers of confusious are coming in

what about buddhists?

so chang low is a popular guy in town and silent madden is an ex crime lord whos turning good from changs teachings

also his daughter molly is called silky moll and jokes if he keeps turning good, his gambling house will be a sunday school

theres a crook called black mike played by lon chaney whos probaly gonna sacrifice himself to save the chick if this is like 90% of all other  lon chaney films

and dapper bill whos his homie and black mike or bm wants to frame madden so his daughter will be his after going against the law

hes gonna have then hgang open fire when madden goes out and they get up and leave

wing, played by lon chaney in make up, is changs other disciple and madden 95 goes out for a show and wing followews

out there wiing sees something and bm and his droogs go in a building but 1 goes out

wing, wait, its not wing, its a droog, goes into a gambling area, or game corner on modern pokemon, and sez the druggist wants to see him, and the druggist is mr simmons, like in hey arnold

wing tries to get in a fenced off area and as maadden goes by, a guy caps him in the shoulder but wing helps hiom escape in the gunfire fight all over the street thatr broke out

bm caps a cop anbd sends a minioon with it out and madden 89 gets back to changs place

eventually, the cops come and take out the remaining gunmen

madden sez a fight started when he came out anbd a stray bullet got him

minioon throws the gun in a place and gets the cops to lookand sends em too changs place

the cops accuse madden 97 for capping the cop as they have a witness

bbm sez when she learns her dad wwas framed she'd go bad and chick gets b--chy over chang's lifestyle not saving dad

chang sez its not over and madden gets 8 months as they didsnt have enough evidence for life

so later bm is gonna pull a jewel heist like reoyge the bat and get chick in on it

i think she consents and goes offf but bms homie dont like doublecrossing her

bm sez he hates her and wants her and dad to get f'd

chang tells cop that madden is innocent and proson will make him devolve into anger abnd hate but cop sez therey run a clean operation at the force

chang bashes the sysatem fior using man made laws to punish the innocent()Whiuch if you check history, Thou Shalt Not Murder was from The Lord in Both Exoduss and Noah, not man mmade)

so bms homie goes to see chicxk daughter and sez the deals off and he';s bnot doing the heist

also he sez bm framed her dad and wwas gonna frame her whjile he gets da jewels

but bm is tallking with the cop about how chick and a guy are gonna do something, wwait, its madden and her were gonna do it b4 he was caught

also he sez chick tried to f him up, meanwhile, homie sezhow bm was gonna ditch her and let the cops get her while hoomie gets off thjrough da garden

chick wants to do the heist but not go out the dooor abnd havbe vbm explain why shges not there

cop sez thers a reception on thats using a pro agency for protectyion, and he wants to catch her when sge comes out and sshow the pro agency whos da best

homie sez to chick to hide out in another place and he'd come later annd put da jewels in a renmted car

then in this mansion is a party and it looks like the addams family house withg the main hall stairs

chick is there in a fancy fur and so is homie and theys gon jacvk da joolz

so homie introduces ther homne owner to chick as his sister and chick and homer talk until homie uses a rag on his mouth to k o him(i think it had drugs)

jomie gets da sasfe behind a wall carpety and chick is lookout but sdomeone comes so she stands there for a bit until homie gets da joolz

its da butler and she chats with him as homie leaves, wait, that wasnty him, and homie closes da safe but i think cop saw through the window

so they walk around and by thre fountain and 1 guy asks da buitler about home owners neive but butler sez homioe and chick artre stranfgers and  1 guy looks arounbd and finds homer k o ed with a s,elly rag

chick and jomie get to a car and go off abnd change cl.othes then hide out for a while in a rtented apartment

homie ghets tired of being cooped up in there and tyhinbks its like jail

u could work out and get ripped

he sees a blonde kid in sa neighbnpors window and weants to make him a kite after talking to him buit chiock sez she told him not to let him in

kid comews by andhas fun with homie but chick is kinda b--cxxhy about it

elsewhere someone, i think bms droog, is b--ching about hoe the heroes cheeted hiom and he wants the jewels and revenge

at a meetimng, droog\, chanfg and cop are there and droog sez he drove the heroes to a corner but thats all he knows

the cops wanna check da area and kid and homie maske a kite and lean out da window buitchick b--ches at him fore doing something that might let da cops see em

btw; kid goes to a neifghbors place?  cant have that today! vpeopler fear someone mighjt b0ne em!

kid goes and homie thinks he otta marry chick and breed with her but she thinks da kid will be a croook

hopmie sez they wertent born crooks but she thinks a kid of crookas will be 1

so months later and neither has different hair and they are getting tired of being in that place

homie wants to return da jools but chick sez no and dont let da kid in anymore

homie goos oot and chsang taslks with cop about hoew if u break dsa law, u gotta pay

chang asks if they return das jools will he drop da charges? and cop mouths yesd

chick hears da door knob turn and gets her gun ready but its da kid with a bunchsa dogs

she instinctivlt fires a shot and ir blows off half the kids head in a splattery burst

jk really she holds her fire and goesx to see the dogs and the kid gets the gun and plays with it

she ghets mad asnd takes it and kid crys and higs herr and shes a sourpuss over it

what is she? a fewminist?

well; kid's hug wins her over and she turns happy and drys his tears and kisses his lips

well, this IS soviet california, they accept other orientations

cop looks around and asks about new tenants but finbds jack sh-t

homie returns and sees kid is happy and so is chick and eventually the mom comesd for the son and he goes with his many dogs

wife sez dads a dick (detective in the 20s) and likes haVINg his kid come home to him

chick worries that wife will describe them to her husband but admits the innocent love of a child in wonderful

chang talks with asiasn chicks and homie wants to snd back da jools but chick sez they need money to relu in

homie sez if they keep em, they'll be in fear of getting caught and after some bickering,sees a shadfowe of a crtosas on da floor and realizes she needs to go straight

theres a cross over the window area and moving and i think its the kite that got f'd

droog and gm talk about something and later chick and homie go out and hid the jools in da plant

he gets em and sez when they see em giving it back they';ll know they went straight andf vhang will help

as they go out, bm is there and homie sez he was about to see him

bm looks like the joker with his grin and they all have hands in pockets with guns probably and its a stand off

the fuse is lit, we only need wait for it to blow

lon bm looks around and asks where homie sleeps and calls homie bill as i guess he's dapper bill and i didnt notice

homier sez he has a room across da hall and takes him to see it

chick hides da jools in da pot plant and bm frills homie bill where the jools are

home sez he wantsa to know too and has been trying to find out where shre put em for months as the cops are after em

he clasims the guy in the hosue weas onto him and he gave her the jools and she ditched him but he tailed her here

homie sez she hid da jools somewherre b4 moving in here and then later its night and chick was freacked out from bm's men utside and no word from homie

she goes to bed and we see her in 1800s undies and homie tells bm to send his goons home so da cops dont catch em

bm whos smoking which killed lon chaney goes out to tell da guys to hide but goes back up da stairs and picks da lock on chicks room

he sneaks in as she fakes sleep and homie comes by and knocks

she puts on a see through scarf over her shoulders and sees lon chaney fighting homie

lon gets slugged but pulls a gun and when nbilly pulls his, lon sez he unloaded it b4

billy throws the gun and lon dux and it busts da window, then they fight

lon is gonna knife billy as i guess it wasnt a gun but chick stops him and he sez 1 is lying and wantys to know who

someones at da door and lon sez its da biulls and they scramble but lon gets a gun and sez the cops line was a lie

lon makes billy get the jools and a guy comes to da door

chick gets a gun and sez they gotta stick together to get outbilly opens da door and chik has a gun and so does lon and they open it and i think madden 98 is there with a gun

lon puts dowen his weapon as maybe madden, wait i think its a cop, sez he can outspeed lon but then homie gets the gun and aims at lon and chick has this guy at gunpoint

chick gets da jools and homie is duel weilding guns and after getting a coat, goes with homie

lon and this guy spazz out and the film quality goes to h=ll but i think they fight 

so madden 91 comes outta prison angry as he was rpobably butt hammered and chang sez to fugget a bout it

chick reuniters with dad madden and reveals blackie framed him and wing i mean bilyl sez its true

billy sez blackie is gonna do 20 years and he dont gotta worry buit outsdide is some guys

chick confesses she jacked jools and is gonna return em as chang is right and then nilly pulls a gun to stop adeed from taking enm

chick sez hes protecting him from himself and the guys sneaking around are lon and friendfs

they get in changs place and are in an upper level and wiing sees em

wing raises his hand and disintegrates them in a blast of ki as they scream "noooooooooooo!" and crumble to dust

jk really long and friends bust in and have guns and tajkes the jools but wing bangs a gong and then all h=ll breaks loose and guys fight and grapple

i think da cops come and lon is getting away, wait, no hes fighting homie ad other guys trey toi escape

wing snipers a guy on the uipper level and chick fights a guy an tries to get her dad out

chang sez the jewles are returnewd of their own free will and now cop has to keep the promice not to procecute

i think a section is missing

blackie mike is in h e double soviet french canada and cop lets billy and molly go as chaing got em straight

chang sez the path to happpiness is through suffering and sacrifive and once attained, to be tresaaured like a 1stborn

The End

that was quite good

Great acting, esp by chaney but precilla wasa quite expressive too

Good action and story

good themes and meaning, like how the guy helping the kids kite lead to the girl turning good

nice filming and style

todd browning does it again

and both characters by chaNEY were great anbd opposites

Like Peter Cullen doing Venjor and Optumus Prime

Oh and its only like 75 mins

For Outside The Law 2 I want it to be revealed that blackk mike survived and faked his end by blowing off another guys face and putting his clothes on him, Also he's wounded and works to rebuild his body with Edison Tech with gears and Springs and Steam, But Billy and Milly I mean Molly and Madden have trained in Changs ways and know know Super Kung Fu. Also black mike has his crime empiure attack and as Wing and Chang are out viusiting family in asia, its up to Billy Masdden and Molly to beat em down, leading to a final battle with Cyborg Steam Punk black mike, Its also a 16 bit beat em up on Sega Genesis, Snes, TG16, GBA and Atari Jaguar with Molly is fast, Madden is Strongh and Billy iis Balenced and they go through a 20s city and beat guys up.

Friday, August 26, 2022

Uncle Tom's Cabin Review

 Note: I spewll like Tommy Wiseau

Uncle Tom's Cabin

This is my review on Uncle Tom's Cabin from the distant future year (To Uncle Tom) of 1927(1100 years  before Metrppolis)

Its based on a book from the 1800s meeant to make slavery look bad, sorta like the Pro Life Film Unplanned, that my dad read me the Classics Illustrated Comic of in the 90s

I saw the last few mins of this on TCM years ago but not da hole thing

Its directed hy Harry A. Pollard who did nothing I saw

It stars Arthur Edmund Carewe from the 20s 10 commandments/The Phantom of the Opera/Torrent and the 30s Doctor X, George Siegmann from The Avenging Conscience/The Birth of a Nation/Intolerance/ the 20s Oliver Twist/Scaramouche/The Man Who Laughs/The King of Kings/The Red Mill. Virginia Grey from The Great Ziegfeld, Lassie Lou Ahern froom Gasliight, Lucien Littlefield from Rasputin and the Empress, Jack Mower from Mr. Deeds Goes to Town/They Made Me a Criminal/Santa Fe Trail/Sergeant York/The Maltese Falcon/Yankee Doodle Dandy/Mildred Pierce/Thunder Over the Plains/Calamity Jane/the 50s A Star Is Born, Gertrude Astor from The Wicked Darling/The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Matthew Beard Jr. from Captain Blood, Louise Beavers from The Jackie Robinson Story, Francis Ford from Abraham Lincoln\Frankenstein/Stagecoach/The Grapes of Wrath/The Ox-Bow Incident/The Lawless Breed, Eugene Jackson from The Thief of Bag dad/ the 91 The Addams Family, Carla Laemmle ffrom the 30s Dracula/the 20s The Phantom of the Opera, Nelson McDowell from the 20s Oliver Twist, Rolfe Sedan from The Conquering Power/Flesh and the Devil/Young Frankenstein/The Wizard of Oz/Gentlemen Prefer Blondes/Two-Faced Woman, Madame Sul-Te-Wan from Mighty Joe Young/Black Moon/King Kong/The Birth of a Nation/Intolerance/Tarzan of the Apes, Dick Sutherland from Grandma's Boy/The Viking, Clarence Wilson ffrom The Penalty/the 20s The Hunchback of Notre Dame/20,000 Years in Sing Sing/Rasputin and the Empress/Son of Kong/the 30s The Count of Monte Cristo/the 30s A Star Is Born/Son of Frankenstein, anbd a buncha 1800s dudes I never heard of

Its said to have been inspired by aactual events, but 1 souce says thar when Thomas Dixon saw a play of it, he found it so inaccurate, he wrote the books that becamev The Birth Of A Nation

So after Title and Creditrs we get a photo/quote from Robert E Lee saying he don't like Slavery

So looks like The Confederates were more than justr slave owners rights

Like Ben FraNKLIN IN 1776

so its 1856 and in Kentucky is this fam the shelbys who were there since the revolution

they have a gaye olde timee of 1800s fun riding horses AND PLAYEING CROW Kay and having a party for a slave being married

they had this el;iza girl since she was a aby and see her as pasrt of the famioly

thuis  chixcj asks a little bllack girl names salome, after te bible villian, where the kids are and thet jump put and dance singing of the chick, eliza being married

the shelby rents were kind owners and southern gentle folke and this groom is a slasve rented to the shelbys by thge month

sorta like the hollywood studfio system renting out actors?

btw; my grandpa was a slave in 1940s poland, worked on a farm for a poor german fam

a cart of watermellons goes by and 1 goes off and these kids eaty it

shelbys note is due and he sent tom to cincinnati for the money and tom halleyt (2 toms Tom Tom?? The Crow??)  sez uncle tom wont come back as he went to a free state

so eliza and geoege are gettiing married and the slaves say they are almost like Whites, whuixch thwy are played by em and look sorta italiano or portovbuese

so then its night and everyones parttying and dancing and uncle tom comes by

his famn had been withg the shelby's fdor 3 generatiuons abnd he brought thwe money for his owner

tom haley is surprized that uncle toim camew back and uncle tom gos to his cabin with his fam and gives his mom a pipe

ed harris the owner of george comes by to get george and george is in a tree with eliza wanting to buy his freedom and come for her

jarris i mean harris yells for george and is mad geoege married w/o harris's consent and slugs him

george neartly attacks his owner and some chick, wait its shelby wife, wants him to be nicer and offers to buy george

harris sez george aint for sale and pullsgeorge awau while george is making out with eliza and they go

so  time skip years later and george has a young son and eliza is writing on a chalk board with a chick lettes and sh-t

tom haley loaned money to the shelbys over da years and now he wants uncle tom as payment

shelby seez a guy running across the snow area and to the slave house and its boy george who eliza lets in ther window

wait, i think the girl is the son and has long hair

george is running away from his owner and hugs his gilry son who then goes out

turns out his owner is making him marrty another slave tonight and he dont consent

is this like joseph not consenting to the guys woman trying to seduce him as he knew it was a sin?

son goes to see shelby man and hus name is called jim crow and does a little dance for them

george is gonna run off to soviet canada and work to earn her freedom

After the war, my grandpa went to anada and earned enough money to bring his wife and son fom slovenia as the commies took over  and were gonna execute him for goiung against em

so shelby relents and sells  uncle tom to tom haley but it dont cover the while debt

geroge wants to have eliza buy their sons freedom 1st and she sez shelby will never sell him but thom hardy wants to buy the son and sez he'd foreclose in his account if he dont

george goes off and when eliza comes in she hears shelby say he has no choice and now thim gets both tom and son

tom haily checks out eliza as she goes off wiith her son and holds him and in toms cabin, tom is glad the Lord gave him so much good

A Fasmily, Food, A home, Friends

nowadays people have far more and are less happy

eliza busts in and tells tom that shelby sold her son and tom and tom is in shock

you wa shock!

she wants to escape but tom has a sense of duty and won't leave

she runs off in the snow and tommy h is displeased and has trackers with dogs searching

wait its harris with the dogs and tracking his goeorge and they tgrailed him here

harris and haily team up like catwoman and penguin in batman returns and the shelbys hpope they are not caught by h and h

so the dogs are on the trail of eliza and she runs as the horses of h and h follow

rather than be caught, she throwes her kid off a waterfall to spare him the punishment of slavery

jk thats the victor seastrrom thing

really they find a cabit and go in and meet people

h and h come to a n ice river like way down east and decides that as no one can cross it, to stop at the inn for the night

and the ionn is the place the eliza went

she hears through the hdoor that they are looking for george and his fam and this lawyer there gives him a card but its ripped up

lawyer asks for 100 $ for the girl but as the girl belongs to shlby laywer can sell thge girl down the rivber

she hears em and escapes in the wuindow asop when they come in she's gone

they see da window and chase aFTER AND she gets to the water fall by the river of ice flows and jumps across them like a mario game

the dogs follow and fall in da water and she falls in but goes on

pphienas fletcher is a quaker from a free state on the side of the river and sees her and tells her to hurry cuz the falls are below

he hangs under a tree and grabs her as her ice flow is going over and they comehow climb up and escape

althopugh she's in a free state, the Dred Scott Ruling said slaves were still slaves even in free states, like how in the 70s the supreme court ruled the unborn had  noi rights, but worse as slaves can be freed and once you chop up that kid, its dead

phienas sez to eliza  her husnband cross da riuver and is heading for soviet canada butr she sees the lawyer in the window and he wants to sell her down the river for money

the cops come for em and it fades out to uncler toim beign sold down trhe river and put in chains 

augustine st claire of new orleans and his cousin ms ophelia are there and little eva is this blonde girl who is being nice to the slaves on the lower decks of the river steamer by giving em treats

she looks like a young lillian gish from the birth of a nationwith that dress and hair

she meets uncle tom and comforts him as he';s bummed and boy geoerge si working on the river steamer and searching for his womana nd child

he sees hardy and harris i think and tries to hide but hardy catches him and is gonna sell him back

but he jumps into rhe furnace of the river steamer as he'd rather be in h=ll than a slave

jk really he goes back to work on feeding logs to it

eliza and her son, whos called harry now, are chained and gonna be sold down the river on the steamer thats arriving

george runs and is by the warter wheel as it stops as the boatpulls in and swims out from it

eliza sees tom in chains and is drivcen onward by a whip after a meeting and little eva wants to have her dad buy him

lawyer and his whip man tell eliza haleys on board and if she ewants to keep her kid to stay low

evas dad augustine buys tom and he';s happy to have a kind master

whipo guy and lawyer and a 3rd guy are gonna, a plantationowner, are there and he buys eliza for 400 $, which was a lot in the 1800s

lawyer has whip guy use what looks liejm a ciugarete of t=mpon to lure the son over and as he comes, mon unconsciously grabsd his shoe and it comes off

son goes on and gets the t=mpon and they get him and take him off as he spazzes out

later mom wakes up and the plantation owner has left as the boat pulls in

kid breaks free and runs back and is caughtand she sees him and runs out

lawyser and whipo are there and she fights em and runs out onto the cart and grabs her kid but ius pulled off

she gets the whip and wails on whip guy but he overpowers her and the kid is taken off

so lincon is elected and the elites and the media hate him for being against their racket to prey on the innocent by saying they ain't REAL people

Totally not like Trump and The Unborn

in april 12 1861 friday; fort sumter is attacked and the civil war starts

but the uniuon was treating the south likwe Amnerica treats mexico and viewed them as lesser and worse

so little eva is brightening up toms life and he reads that lincon is gonna free the slaves

btw the book was wriotten in the 1850s and the movie moves it forward with things we know hap[pened later

;ike the 60s ver of The time Machine with WW1 and 2

meanwhile this black kid called topsy like hanks dads friend in king of the hill is jiding behind this nerd chick in thionk ms opfeila and ms o calls for him

wait, i think topsys a girl and brings flowers to little eva

man they made topsy looks ret-rded

so ms 0 calls topsy  who cartwheels over liek sportacuz and has a long ribbon hidden in her cllothes that ms o takes out like a clown or magician

topsy says she never saw it b4 and is shook by ms o for lying and more cr-p falls outta her clothes

no woonder she's ret-rded; sje got shook all night long

after some blurred vison from brain damage; she admits to stealing the gloves but denies the ribbit

then joyfully wants the whip, only to freak out when ms o whips her a55

augustine come sin and i mean comes in and sez to take care of topsy and topsy and eva sit and eva tries to get her to be good but topsy thinks its her skin that makes her bad

little eva sez she can be lobed if black and topsy thionks they cant be loved

so little eva saez she loves topsy and topsy cries at this friendship

its like degrassi but hetero

eva sez to be good as she might not be here long and topsy  freaks out

thern we see a glow around little eva;'s head like a halo of a saint

then topsy is powdering her face with make ip and ms o comes in and topsy sez she wanted to look White for little eva

then little eva bite sit and we see an etherial thing of an Angl carryoing out her soul inot the light and its pretty well done

later topsy brings her a flower and ms o catches her and topsy wishes to be dead too

ms o comforts the topsy and says she will love her and then augustine bites it and his property is sold at auction

simon legree, who was laster reused in birth of a nation, is a cruel yankee slave owner and buys tom

btw wwasnt there a war going on? is this like suddenly last summer in late 30s spain where a guy goes on vacation?

so simon buys i think elizza and meanwhile, boy george is looking for the guy whjo  owns his son

on legrees plantation, man it looks like a DUMP, simom slugs out a slave for spilling beer, did they have it in those bottles in the 1860s?

simon ttries to b0ne eliza and this slave cassy who's son was sold years ago is lkistening in anbd when simon goes to see her at da door, eliza gets awau

cassy dont want her place as taken by eliza and simon is gonna send her to the slave quarters but sahe sez simnons afraid of her

man simon looks devolved

so these 2 slaves get tom in trouble for prayimg, as i guess simon is a democrtat, and tell tom to whip cassy

btw; thats to a Republican President hated by the elites and media, The Courts have ruled that you can't fire someone for Praying

What kinda commie satanist fires someone for praying?! What next? arresting someone for not believing in obvious lies?

So tom dont consent to whipping her so simon slugs him and sez he owns tom, body and souil

tom sez simon owns his body but the soul belongs to The Lord

because of Toms faith; joss whedon simon has Tom whipped

themn the yankees attack tthe south, which is seen as a "good" thing, but its more like the Soviets attacking Getmanmy in WW2 sand raeping all the women

wait,m why are the people welcoming iun the tyankkees? i thought this was tthe south! This makes no sense!

then again; we have Americans hating on America and siding with the enemy

So as the slaves play music, cassy tends to Tom and Tom tries to help her heal from her pastt

cassy was taught to be Whitre but then theyy sold her baby to a man called shelby and sold her down the river

tom sez that's elizas story and shhelby was his master too and cassy realizes that eliuza is here as both got sold to the simeon

cassy goes to see simon as he creeps on her like woody allen on kid chichi from dragon ball and she thropws eliza on da floor

cassy saez elizas trying top steal her man and whips eliza but after chasing her inbto a room, and cllosding the door, locks it and says to eliza that shes her mom

theyu have a mother and hild reunion like that degrassi ep was called and simon comes to the door so cassy whips the area and her and eliza escape from the window

thet come to toms place and simon sees em and cassy sez simeon thinks his victimns gghosts hauint the attic so thet go up there

simeon asks tom where they went and slugs him when he dont tell as the union aRMYY approaches w/o any oif em knowing

then da weind blowes and simon hears soundds in da attic and tom sez its da ghosts

wait that wasnt tom as now they brought him in and simon is gonna wack him if he dont tell em where the women are

tom dont consent so they whip him offscreen, which meantr they're b0ning him in the reall version

so after the whipping, tom forgives themn and bites it and simon starts going nuts, and dtrinking then seeing toms ghost

which makes no sense as 1st: Tom is not vengeful, he's a good Christian whgo takes no revenge

2nd: The book ends with tom biting it, so this extra bit is all filler and non canon

3rd: There's no supernatural thing in the book, its like having a lAW AND oTder ep where it has McCoy blowing a hole in a  guy wioth a Ki Blast

4th; it goes against the theme of the book! ‫Its meant to show slavery as unfair, ending with the slave owner being punished is like ending romeo and juliette with them being revived and living happy

so simon goes up stairs after a see through possibly imaginaryyuncle tom and sees tthe attic wioth wind, so he sends him slaves up and wjhip[s em when they fear

so they go in and eventually find eliza and cassy, then the slaves run out in fear

the yankees comeand the slaves try to get help from em

cassy fights siimon ewoth a knife or pointed stick or somnething and sinon gets it but eliza hits him and cassy gets the whip aand wails on him

geoerge hears eliza calling andhe with his kid go up as simon gets the whiop and is gonna enmd em

thearmy is comming and somin sees tiom there anmd attacks him but he keeps vanishing

i think this is what star wars ep 008 the last jedi riopped poff

tom ghost is out a window and simnon walks out as he's an idiot and bites it

tthe army is all in there asthey have nothing better to do and elliza sees her son there and reuinites

boy geortge is there too and ttheyt hug and we get a vision of the union army above em as "His Triuth Is MarChing On" plays, wait, wasmn't thatr in Birth of a Nation?

the end

well, that was well made

yeahh it changed a lot,m but unlike bram stokers dracula, it wasnt a f==king p0rn0

it also skipped the thing of augustine wanting to free tom but getting iced and i think a part of top helping eva

liike the kevin smith he man; the focus isnt on the title character, but rather the female friend

except this didn't s=ck and the female character was likable and had heart

I'm not sure how accurate this was, but it didf show that masters could be kind, instead of showing anytone who owned a slave as some kind of devoluionized barbarian who is irredeemable

the filming and action werer well done and the acting was good

the characters stood out and you could twll who was who easy

nice effects for the blizzard and good shhost effects

its a decent version of the story and has themes that hold up today

hglad i saw it

for Uncle Tom's Cabin 2 I want it to be about eliza and her fam trying to manage in the world now that they are free and the issues they encounter, also its a 128 bit game on GameCube, Xbox, ps2 and DreamCast where  you play as menbers of the family and try to handle a farm like in Harvest Moon and deal weith things like regegade ex slaves and the klan

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

Hannie Caulder Review

 Note: I spell better than holen caulfield thinks

Hannie Caulder

This is my review on Hannie Caulder from the distant uture year (To Oda Nobunaga) on 1871(40 years beforte Transformers Seasion 4 and Robotechg Season 1)

Its directed by Burt Kennedy why did Support Your Local Sheriff!, Dirty Dingus Magee (Thje P0RN0?!), The Alamo: 13 Days to Glory and Suburban Commando

it stars Raquel Welch from Legally Blonde/Naked Gun 33+1⁄3: The Final Insult/butt f==king Myra Breckinridge/One Million Years B.C., Robert Culp fromn Robot Chicken/The Secret Files of the Spy Dogs/Conan the Adventurer/Spy Hard/The Pelican Brief/Highway to Heaven, Ernest Borgnine from SpongeBob SquarePants/Touched by an Angel/Pinky and the Brain/All Dogs Go to Heaven the show and the 2nd movie/Little House on the Prairie/Escape from New York/The Black Hole/The Dirty Dozen/Bad Day at Black Rock/From Here to Eternity, Jack Elam from The Night of the Grizzly/The Cockeyed Cowboys of Calico County/Dirty Dingus Magee(The ep of DBZ where Bacterian seduced android 18 and krillin watchged!!)/Suburban Commando/The Rifleman/The Twilight Zone, Strother Martin from Dick Van Dyke/The Twilight Zone/SSSSSSS/Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid/Cool Hand Luke/Showdown/The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance/Black Patch/A Star is Born/The Red Badge of Courage/The Asphalt Jungle, Christopher Lee from Lord of the Rinfgs/The Hobbit/Star Wars/Alice in Wonderland/Corpse Bride/Sleepy Hollow/The Stupids/Gremlins 2: The New Batch/Gremlins 2: The New Batch/The Last Unicorn/the Ham,mwer Dracula movies/The Last Unicorn/Hamlet/Captain Horatio Hornblower, the deviANT Diana Dors from Berserk, wait, she tuerned Catholic b4 biting it? Just like Shiro Ishii! Luis Barboo from The Wind and the Lion/Conan the Barbarian, Stephen Boyd from The Bible: In the Beginning.../Genghis Khan/the 50s Ben Hur, and some ghuys not on wikpesa

i saw some of this bit not the whole thing

So aftwer action music and an illisyration of raquwel tyo credits we get a town where these malcontents come intoon horses

they rob a bank and shoot the place up and a guy rings a bell but they cap him

the soldiers open fire  but cant hit for beans and the badds escape as the guards chase em

us thgis in soviet mexico? they otta nuke that cesspoole, those cartel monsters boiling people in acid and b0ning em dead

so the malcontents escape after a chase as their horses are a foot taller than the meixcan ones i guess and the punks stop to bicker

malcontent; shut yo a55!

lol good line

they go to carjack new horses as theirs are outta gas and they come to this farm and meet jummyy whos statiuoned there

the 3rd malcontent caps him and find his woman and b0ne her WOC with out consent

I think this is where Violence Jack OAV 3 h=lls wind got the idea

Maybe I Spit On Your Grave/.Day Of The Woman

 after the b0ning they torch the place and leave her to cook anbd leave but she gets out and sees her man with a hole in him

itys done w/o words and strong music like a silent film

after berrying him she goes around in a  poncho that shows off her tanned legs andf goes off with a rifle

she finds a busted place with a well and then a guy comes on a horse to it

that shot of raquel in the wastekland with the hair and poincho looks like a sci fi wastelanfd warrior thing

the guy comes to the well and she aims a gun at him but he wants water for his horses

he takes the gun, unloads it and returns it but i think shge knocks him out and takes his horse

on the horse she finds a bodyy and starts a fire and watches trhe knocked out guy

hungry, she takes a bite outta his leg and feeds on himn

jk really she checks him and takes his gun belt revolvers

she does target practivce and s-cked at it and he wakes up and backhands her for her acts

hes a bounty hunter and she wants to be taught how to use a firearm

he dont wanna i think and driinks water and she offers her a55 to him to teach her

she dont care if she bites it and wants revenge and he dont trust hewr and sez no

he gores off and she follows on foot and he gives her a hat and water, then sez no and goes on

she follows and hes putting bullets in his belt and she trys being nice but he still sez no

laster shes sleeping and having viet nam nightmares of the guys b0ning her and wakes uip screaming

he comforts her and finds it was 3 guys on her and they iced her husband

so da bad guys are b--ching at each other and 1 has a sore a55 leg from a gunshot and the soldiers come for them and they book it

so the bounty hunter givews raquel some clothes sand invites her to come to mexico to meet a gunsmith for her to be taught gun fu

they go to a town and he has her go clothes shopping and he goes to the salloon

nowadays that would be seen as "gender norms" as its normal

she takes a bath in a wood barrel and we see her stand up but shes in new pands

no bra and bare back buit no front no nips

she chats with da sherrif then goes to da salloon and wen she sez the guys name, thomas, the card players know him as thomas riley edwards i mean thomas luthor price and 1 triwes to cap him

tom takes him out and the signal f''d oiut on antenna tvcon grit but they meet sherrif andthomas getsa paid for the bounty

then we cut to a gunbfight in the wastelaNDS AND THE BAD GUYS ARE FIGHTING THE GUNS AND EACH OTHER

2 STAND UP BUT THE SHots miss and f u caps lock, get an aids needle in yo d0ng

so they escape and then we see raQUEL AND T L going to an empty place as he tells his storty

after the civil war when the gunmaker made guns for the confederates, he had to esacape to saoviet mexicoand now has a mexico wife and kids

They meet da gunman and then its day with tuunt to look like night and the bad guys are goiing mental over not having much food left

1 sez he b0ned a chicvk and the other sez hes lying and they bicker about cr-p more

eventually they decide to get dino might and attack a town

is this Robotech Battlecry? Are they Zentraedi?

meanwhile, raquel is getting along withj gumnmans kids by the sea at da beaCH AND GUNMAN TALKS WITH T L  about the gun foir her but hes checkng ioytr raquelk wqelcgh

DA  next dayt l gives her a stick with a rope and has her wind up the rope with a rock on it as some kinda kung fu training

he has her train til she does it 30 x then gets a bigger rok

then a training montage to mexico music as a gun is being hammered

push it to the limit

hearts on fire

theres no easy way out

we need a montage

so the  gun is tested with a fuse and unmanned and i think it works

a guy comes by and gunman gives him a firearm to fix and goos oof

hes in all black like a cowboy version of bleach

so the raqwel gun is dome and he tells her gun safety tips

then they put a clay pot on a cross and haVE HER train slow to draw so she know how to do it

she takes a shot and its missed and its 45 calibur

she takes more shots and misses all and later he tells her how shadows at different day timec maKE DISTANCE LOOK OFF


p off caps lock, stop f ing my sh-t

so later we hget soft miusic and raQULK AND T L WALKING THE beach

after more gun traiining she watches t l plauy with the gunmans kids and then a pack of horsemen come over

its a bunch of mexicans who talk with gunman  and t l goes to the house \

as gunmabn wwalks bback, t l openbs fire and guinman grabs a gun and takes some out

this juist went schwarzenegger

its a big a55 gun fiught and even raqwel joins in

a mexioco comes in behind her and she gets him 1x but freezes and t l has to finish him

the mexicos fl;ee and now they haave enough meat for for winter

jk; theres no winter in mexico

elsewhere the bads blow a safe in a town bank ANd it bvlows the money so they leave

so t l and ra qwel ride off as dows the 3 bads  to good music

tl and raeql come to a  fort and search for the 3 guys butfind jack sh-t

t l advises not to hiunt for em and forgive and she wont and he regrets helping her train as its ruining her

later tthe 3 emperors of sh-t come by and bicker and t l sees em

how would he know its them if he never saw em b4??

So t l edwards catches a guy hes after from behind and tellsd him to turn around slow

theres a 100$ Bounty on him and they are gonna go to the shgerrifs

one of the bads played by mermaid man throws a blade at him and he fires all in supoer slo mo

he gets a knife in the gut like raspiutin and she goes out to find him fall

the people take him to da dr and i think the guy he caught to take to sherrif was one of the 3

so t l is recovering in bed with rAquel by him and he wants her to promise not to go after em

b4 she answers he bites it and ashge goes out to da saloon for revenge

she finds where 1 is and goes up and finds him witrh a h00ker

she gives him as gun and sez shes hgonna icwe him and  they draw

she bloewws him out but takes a left arm shot b4  finishing him and he falls out da window and on a h00jer

she gets her armm fixed andsherrif gives her 100$ for da  bounty

the 2 remainders, who was his brothers, are at his grave and 1 stole a bibl;e

he finds the grave diggers are digging 2 more graves for em and they wanna ice her 1st

raquekl is gonna have a beer but 1 brother comes in with a shotgun and he recognizes her from the b0ning and jokes of it

he sez they're gonna  b0ne annd then he's off her head, probably to b0ne it, but she had a gun hidden in her arm sling and wastes him

sherrif sez to get outta town b4 someone innocent gets it but she sez he didnt mind the brothers

sherrif sez they wrrewnt sdhooting upo the place andshe goes off to the forty in the windy a55 desert

meremaid man gets p-ssed that shge paid for brothers sertvice an goes off to ice her after hearling where she is

if this were in modern times; the final battle would be in a factory

so he goes to da fioret to b0ne frank sinatra back to h e double italy

so he wanders around and theres some suspence as she lurks in the dusaty area and he searches foir her

no words,m like a silent film, epic

he sees her shadow and follows it and sees her climbing stasirs

he readys a knife and the black clad man shoots it outta his hand

shge recalls t l's words and caps him a ffew times

btw the black suit man saving her ansd she finisdhes the bad was ripped off by sailor moon wioth texedo masl

then she goes back with mermaid mans body on a horse and credits roll toi music

also thjis film was widescreen and colorted

the end

that was quite good

nice style and feel

good acting and filming

nic eediting and story

its like a silent film like how star wars or tim burton did things

raquel is like a go nagai chick; bada55 and strong but still feminine and cool

nowadays theyd make her a whiny feminist and she'd shave halfdd her head and dye the rest blue

its a lot like Violence Jack and shows how women starring films can be cool and likable

its well done and i had a good time watching it

for Hannie Caulder 2 I want her to go after a bounty and it takes her to mexico, she finds a pack of chupacabra and escapes to a trown nearby  where they prepare for the coming horde o those daemnons. Also its an 8 bit game on sega master system and game gear, atari lynbx and 7800, nes and gameboy and tg16 where you play as her and fire on chupaacabra with guns or use a blade built into your arm by thegun smith and battle em like Blade on GBC

Friday, August 19, 2022

Hard Target Review

 Note: I spell hard ly good

Hard Target

This is my review on  Hard Target from the distant future year (To The Czar) of 1993 (The byear Sonic CD Came Out)

Its directal by John Woo who did face/off and windtalkers

It stars the mondo cool Jean Claude Van Damme from Bloodsport/Kickboxer 01/Lionheart/Double Impact/Last Action Hero/Timecop/Street Fighter/Wake of Death/Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning, Lance Henriksen from dog day afternoon/Close Encounters of the Third Kind/Damien: Omen II/ The Terminator 01/Aliens/Pumpkinhead/Alien 3/Super Mario Bros. the movie/The Quick and the Dead/disnerys Tarzan/Scream 03/Alien vs. Predator/Superman: Brainiac Attacks/Transformers: Animated/the 2012 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Arnold Vosloo from 1492: Conquest of Paradise/Agent Cody Banks/Blood Diamond/the netflix Voltron: Legendary Defender, Yancy Butler from kick a55/Law & Order, Kasi Lemmons from The Silence of the Lambs (pix or it didnt happen)/Candyman 01, Chuck Pfarrer from Darkman 001/Red Planet, Willie C. Carpenter from mn in blck 001/Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood/The Wonder Years/Gotham/Blue Bloods/svu, Wilford Brimley from The China Syndrome/The Thing/Cocoon 01/Seinfeld, Sven-Ole Thorsen from Conan the Barbarian/Conan the Destroyer/Predator 01/The Running Man/Overboard/Twins/Ghostbusters 02/Total Recall/Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe/Terminator 2: Judgment Day/Death Becomes Her/Bram Stoker's Dracula/Last Action Hero/On Deadly Ground/The Quick and the Dead/Eraser/Jingle All the Way/Batman & Robin/George of the Jungle/End of Days/Gladiator/Collateral Damage/Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story/Collateral/Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future/Baywatch, Jules Sylvesterfrom Bram Stoker's Dracula/1000 Ways to Die, Marco St. John from the GOOD Superman/Friday the 13th: A New Beginning/Thelma & Louise/The Butler/the 10s Roots, Ted Raimi frtom xena/The Evil Dead/Evil Dead II/Darkman 01/Candyman 001/Army of Darkness/Stuart Saves His Family/the GOOD Spider-Man movies from da 00s/The Grudge/Baywatch/ The GOOD hercules with Kevin Sorbo/Code Monkeys, and some guys not mentioned on wikipedia

i saw this b4 but its been a whileso after the 90s universal logo from ther land beforer time movies and credits. we see this guy in toe confederate area of the cajin lands trying to escape a guy firing metal arrows at him

he runs from bikers and a car with lance bean and lance sez if the guy is at da river he won and they cant let that happen

a sniper nails him with a gun that fires arrowes and fires at him with a bullet gun but he gets toi the bridge and falls in the wood and gets an arrow through ther torso

lance and his goons take an item in a poich he was carrying and wipe their showes on his face

then its day and this 90s chick drives into the area looking for her dad and finds he lost his job and left the place he was rentying

i blame the democrats as they were in charge in the 90s

she asks around and finds he was a hobo and we see jean claude eatiung cr-ppy gumbo with greasy stringy hair and paying with coins

chick comes by and has a bunch of bills and gets change to use a pay phone as in the 90s we didnt need cellphones and its cheaper than the phone and plan and data

he follows her, wait, no he goes out and some guys confront anf try to mug herand 1 backhands her btu jean claude comes up and kicks their a55es with slo mo

that was pretty cool and only took place over a few seconds but the slo mo made it longer

also the robbers saw her flashing her cash as she never saw that ep of COPS(central organization of police specialists, fighting crime, in a fiture time)

so the cops are on strike or something and chick goes to see the cops for a missing person repoort of her dad and her only photo is from 20 years ago when he dumped her mom

tuerns out; as hes a hobo, he cant be missing as theres no where to be missing from

secritery sez to find dad herself and get a local to show her around then we get bada55 90s electric guital like in the crow staIRWAY TGO HEAVEN

SO OJEAN CLAUDE GOES UP FOR  A JOB BUT THE POSITIONS ARE FILLED and she offers him 100 $ A DAY  and he turns it down as he just got the spot as a man of the sea for a while

turns out as the union owns things, he owes them money and he cant work untilk he pays, but he cant make money if he cant work, so he has a few days top make the money

typical unions, getting in the way of everythiing

if my kid was in the uniuon, i;'d carve confederate flags all over him!

so he goes to the chick and agrees to work for her for the money he needs but ne cant drive as he never has  aliscence

they talk and he sez his name is chance like jackie chan being chance jackson

she sez her dad was lettering to her or something and they go to this slum to talk with this black guy and get a clue that his tigern styripe sleeping bag was seen soimewhere

she looks through dad stuff andn  finds letters and photoes of them and her and i think p0rn0 art that the tbv versioin wont show that he sol for money

they check this guy who denies having dad work for him and smoking a cigar and this creepy guy comes in and jean claude has em leave

dshe wants to go back but jean claude sez work smarter not harder and this cop sez they founfd dads body

the secreitary sez they found him in a burned building and they used dental records to confirm him

so at night the ciugar guy whos a fat a55 gets bet up by lance and creepy guy and his ear lobe is circimsized weith scissions

its revealed cigar guiy hggired the worng guiy for the hunt and as dad had a family now people are looking

i kilnda feel bad for that load, hes so pitiful

creepy guy sez if he comes back hes cutting a steak, which i assume hes gonna eat

chick and jean claude talk about how dad didnt say he was a hobo as he didnt want her to worry

lance checks into jean claude and finds he threw his captain overboard for smuggling drugs and was waised in the bayou by his uncle liek frodo or liunk in the snes game

so hes a cajujn confederate america redneck swamper?

So in America: the ones of french ancestry evolved past their frenchness and became happy jolly Cajuns who are friendly and positive

yet in canada the frenchies were allowed to keep their protoculture which left them to devolve worse than Real frenchies in france and are now a bunch of malcontent, whiny, unbalanced, b==chy, evolutionarily challenged c=ck suckers who just sh=t on everything,

It seems that frenchness is a blight, as is their language and culture

they wanna hunt him and jc looks at the fire place and finds a dog tag with a hole in it

then creepy guy, wait, no its 2 punks, throw a noove on him and take a batr at him

unlike the guy from empire, this is happening and he gets beat up after gettuing in a few hits

he was arreested for crossing the polixcxe tape and he sez the dogtag on the body was 1 and they always come in 2's and he shows the other one and secretary orders a new autopsy

so so lance plays  piano to show how cuklturesd and refined he is as hes the bad guy and cigar guy witht eh erar bris meets with black guy who helped chickwho consents to be in the thing they say is a regular job

creepy guy meerts a rich guy who pays to hunt the black guy and lance sez he gives private cuitizens a chance to kill like the gov does

rich guy is told these are vol;unteers and they do it all over da wortld, ebevn Yugoslavia, which i assume is thew serbian partr as we slovenias are good boys

the rich hunting poors for fun? surpirtzed they are allowed to show this, might make people think the rich are into evil and harming the humans

so jc grills cigar guy over who is icing these people and jc sez to tell ther gaijin who he works for that jc is comming for him

secretary tells da autopsy guy to redo it on dad but he wortks for lance and burns the evidence

he tells the lance about the secretary and when lance finds he cant buy her, they are gonna skip town aftert 1 last bunt

dr hears a door knock and creepy guy fires a billet through the eye hole and into his headliem, da joker and the pencil

they wanna go to eastern eutope(aka the GOOD part, except the soviets and ukranians and bosinans and sebrs and, wait,are we the bad guys?)

so at the night the lance meets blkack guy and ghives him 10 000 $ and if he can make it to the river, he can be free

black guiy dont consent but lance tempsts him like the devil in the bible and he consents and getsa a 5 min head staertrr

black guy goes tyhrough a graveyard and rich guy triues to take him out wounds him

rich guy dont wanna finish him and isnt this squyid gamer? did they rip off a jean claude movie?

so black ghuy hghets the gun and shreds the rich guy and runs but runs and the lance ends rich guy who TOTALLY wont be missed by all his employees and fam and media

black guy runs into soempoeople and they ignore him as hes only sayiubnf help me instead of "hes trying to kill me"

he stands there and faces his end on his feet and is shredded by gunfire in front of others and as they used silencers, the guns made minor sound,

thats not how silebcers work!

they dont stoip ALL spound! might as well say "air brakes stop the jet in mid air" like a bugs bunny cartoon!

so jc sees the bnlack guy and cigar guy tries to skip town but creepy guy puts a shotgun to his head and makes like megaton on ironhide in the GOOD transformers movie!

so secerttaruy drives  chick andf jc to the cigar guy andthey see his busted car

they creepy guy and his goons come at weem with guns and secretarty egts capped

jc grabs the gun from her hand and caps a few and jumps a a car ood to cap the van as he wounds a driver and jumpo kicks a biker and gets a gun and he aND CHIOOCK LEAVE ICED SECRITARY WHO GOT CAPPED

JC HASD CHICK HOLE THE HANDLEBARS and he and a biiker machine gun at ewach other until the bad guy bites it ads i guess he has higher life

he jumps oiver as blowing bike and he drops off chick and drives it intoa  van, jumps over ity from the bike, lands on his feet, and fires on it

it aspliodes for no reason and i think he takes out another van, then her and chick jump on a moving train below em as lance tries to cap em but changes his mind like reses 2 in captain simian and the spACE MONKEYS

THEY PLAN 1 LAST HUNT AND creepy guy and the lance and goons go to the forreest and hunt for jc on his bayou turn

wait, its a buncha rich gusy paying 750 000 $ each to hunt jc

this is yturning into on deadly ground

so chick compalins hlw rough it is and he sez "if its tuff 4 us its tuff 4 em"

all these accent guys are good action heroes like arnld, stallone, jc and dolf

we need toimmy wiseau to do action films, he'd be cool

so he has chiock cloise her eyes and grabs a snake and knowcks it out with a tap,m then bites off its rattle as hes a bada55 cajun redneck and leaves it for the bads

so the bads come by and 1 guy pulls a tripwire and the snake falls on him and bites him, so the bads blow off da snakes head and leave bit guy toi die

then we see wilford brimly making whiskey and jc makes bird sounds to announce his comming himself

its his jllly redneck cajun uncle and hes dressed like super mario

btw cajun dont speak french, like in martin mysters how nova scotiamns dont sound lkike scotlanders

unlike real frenchies and canadian frenchies, the cajuns are Americans and have guns

wasnt this in youngblood how the main guy reunites with his father figure and gets help?

then jc goers off on a horse like hes napolean but not el italiano and the bads come by and shoot up the brimley shack

brimley is out with a BOWE AND ARROW AND fires right past lances head and hits the moonshine

kjt blowsd then hits the dino might and blows the house

he has moonshine, guns, arrows and dino might? what a redneck! i love ity!

then the bads are in a cjopper and find jc on horse a55 sndf fite at him

so did they go all the way back and get a chopper and went around for a while til they found him?

like a mongol warrior, jc take out a ghuy in da chipper from horseback and they cantg him him as they are moving n a cjhopper and jc is moving

thew horse gets it and jc goes on and the bikersd and chase jc through a factory as the chopper lands

as its GOTTA be in as factory


jc hides behind a piller like a ninja and birds popp on the biker

he shreds the pidgeons and jc kicks a gas can at him and fires on it but it blows and throws the biker and bike outta the window, even though jc takes no damage being a few feet away

more guys come in and jc takes 1 more out and birds fly by in slo mo like in faCE/OFF

THERES ALL THESE MARDY GRAH CR-P THERE LOOKING LIKE some daemon temple or that place in the 00s fma and jc comes down on a swan item on a chain and j fks em

a guy blows the swaN WITH A grenade but jc jumps out b4 it hits and i hguess this is a video game so he take sno damaghe fromshrapnel

he punches a guy in ther helmet with his elbow and pulls the guys gun(even though the helmet should protect him) and wastes a guy by holding it upside sdown

wilform come sin and snipers a guy through a float in the neck

chick gets a gun and caps a guy coming at her and brimley mario takes it from her

jc swings from a rope like errol flynn and wilford sniprsa  guy about to end jc and chick throws him a gun and he wastes him

wuilform gets hit and then jc shreds more guys wuith gunfire and faces creepy guy on the other side of glass windows

they reload and talk on other sides of a wall like face/off and resume the fight

they ar eequally matched like kenshiro and hyoh and jc takes out morte guys as creepy guy throws a grenade at jc

jc jumps through the window as the grenade goers in and jc caps him and goes on to end more guys

lanced whines for his creepys guy as i guess they were b0ning and jc takes off his shirt to show his arms in a wife beater

hes pretty bnuff, betyter than teh stickbioys we got today

jc jumps ovewr the fire and caps him but he gets away and i think ends wilford

he has the chick captive and a blkade to her necxkso if he is capped the chicvk gets it

jc empties his gun with clicks and has a grenade in a hand

lance asks why he got incolved and jc sez poors get bored too\

he tells chick to load him asnd jkc runs and kciks him out b4 he can be capped

lance gets a fire stick bvut jxc grabs the burning log and remember all ujis homies who got it like its an anime

he breaks the stick, beats him olut, droppm s the grenade in bnis croptch, then sez: hun ting sea son, ees oh va" and kicks him out

lance pulls out the greanade and unlinks the plug, butn the sparks connect and it blows him to h e double soviet france

wilford brimpley is ok i think and jc and chick and him go off as the facroty burns as you GOTTA burn it!

the end!

thjat was bada55

action packed, good stunts, good bada55 jc, and good fights

jc is cool and smart and skilled and there's good editing and slo mo and camera work

woo does it again

lance is good at being evil and the creepy guy is pretty good

the blavck guy is good at being nice and the secxretary has a good journey from worker to friend

i liked it and its well mADE and quite cxool

jean claude is a pretty good asctor even when not perfect in his english

its a cool movie and makes good entertainment, with some subtle hints at lessons

plus the 1 rich guy not wanting to finish him shows there are good rich guys too

oh and da musik iz good

For Hard Target 2 I want jean claude to be on a boating thing and he encounters a ningen in the artic waters hes in and they gotta survivce its encounters, alkso irts a 15 bit sega genesis, snes, tg16 and gba game, oh and atari jaguar, where you gotta outlast the attacks of the ningen on the boat and find ways to keep it off with what itrems you have

Wednesday, August 17, 2022

Game Reviews Volume 23 From 2022 Part IV

 This batch of games I played and reviewed for the last while

All of them are in 1 way or another from Sega

Just beat Galahad AKA The Legend of Galahad on my 218 Sega Genesis Games in 1 Multicart. Its kind of a Platform game with some RPG elements by Psygnosis and its got that Psygnosis feel and style. Twisted creative monsters and still images that move in limited ways but have good art. Sorta Shadow of the Beast or Wiz N Liz. 1 button is Jump and 1 is Attack and you have a weapon you can collect to spin around you but I don't know how to use it. You can shuffle this around but there's not much options to choose from. Its 3 levels with 7 areas each and you usually gotta get an Item then go to the gate, but you gotta press Down to go in doors or gates. I used a Turbo Pad and had Sword on Rapid when the button is pressed so it was like a Lawn Mower. But I find the blade does more damage when it hits behind you. You can collect coins and  go into shops and buy better Armor, Swords and Special Attacks. Good graphics and music and it controls pretty well, and like Shadow of the Beast, you can put in LTUS in the Password thing and get infinite lives. I did this and Garlic Jr'ed through the game as there's a lot of spike pits that end you in 1 hit, bosses end you in 1 hit, and you have a few hits but it runs out fast. If you bite it, you resummon where you last stood, so falling off a part you wanna jump back to might make it easier to land on spikes so you return at the top. Its not a bad game if you got infinite lives and you can Attrition through it. When you get the better items you feel the difference with taking out guys in a few hits. At the start of each level you are told in text what to do and a few times I got stuck as I didn't notice a chest and thought it was Background. Glad I did this one. Its another good Psygnosis game that holds up well.

Just beat MERCS on my 218 Sega Genesis Games in 1 Multicart. Its a Top Down Run N Gun from Capcom and is connected to Commando from them. 1 button fires and you can turn on Autofire in the options, and 1 is a Screen Nuke you have 3 of when you start a level or bite it. You get 5 guys, called Continues and if you bite it, you resummon where you fell and go on.  There's 2 modes: Arcade, based on the Arcade game, and Original, which I didn't really do.  Its kinda like Bad Dudes as you gotta save the Former Prez and its pretty tough as even though you got a life bar, you bite it in a few hits. You can't jump so its like the bad levels in Contra and even on Easy, some enemy shots later in the game take you out in 1 hit, like these lightening ropes in level 6.  You can get different weapons and you keep em after biting it or changing levels. I like using the Spread Shot but the flame thrower can take out some guys in 1 hit. You can use vehicles and they have a strong cannon used by the Screen Nuke Button. You can choose which buttons do what in options. Its quite tough and is only 1 Player but there is a Code to Level Select: When you turn on the system, Hold A B C and Down/Left on the D Pad on the 2nd Controller and hold it until the Press Start comes on, When you go to Start, you can choose which level to start from. The final level is tough as its 1 boss fight against a Hercules Plane but if you don't take it down in like a dozen seconds, it gets away with Da Prez and you gotta Try Again. But it don't cost you a Continue if you Try Again. This has good music and graphics and the Screen Nuke can clear enemy shots. Bosses are big and have a  life bar I don't always notice and it seems to try to be more Epic. Its  pretty hard but the Level Select Code helps as you start with Full Continues. If this were the Arcade I think I could put another Coin in to Continue. I'm not big on Top Down after Super C, but this one was pretty good. Glad I did this one

Just beat Gain Ground on my 218 Sega Genesis Games in 1 Multicart. Its kind of a Top Down Run N Gun like the bad levels in Contra, where you gotta wack all the enemies. You got a few hundred seconds and can choose from a bunch of guys that bite it in 1 hit and each have abilities. A is special attack like an overhead arrow or side guns or flame thrower, and B is the Peashooter. On the screen where you choose your guy, you can see what weapon they use and what directions they can use it, and each guy has his own speed and range. If a guy bites it, you can save him by grabbing him and getting to the Exit but if you bite it, waste all the guys on screen, or run outta time, he's lost. If you run outta time it ends the level but on later levels its game over and theres NO CONTINUES, But if you press A C B C on the Options Screen, you can access the Level Select Option to go to any level, but I used it to return to where I bit it. Its kinda tough and if you play on Hard you get all 20 guys to use, but on other modes you gotta find em and get em to the exit to earn them. Its based on an Arcade Game from Sega and this version was done by Renovation who did Valis..Each 10 levels is another Time Zone and at the last one is a boss where you gotta beat him and all guys. Its got nice start of the 90s Genesis Graphics and the Music is good. It controls mostly well but at times I'd miss my shot or get hit by something I thought I avoided. Overall its pretty good and I'm glad I did this one. Its got some good things.

Just beat Bonanza Bros on my 218 Sega Genesis Games Multicart. Its kind of a collecting game where you have a few mins to go through the building, get the loot, and get to the roof for a blimp to escape you outta there. 1 button is action like punch or open door or shoot a pop gun or pull switch to crush the guy with a Looney Toons thing, and the other is Jump and you can choose which does what in options,  as can you choose 3 , 5 or 7 lives per Continue and difficulty. You bite it in 1 hit but if you use one of your 4 Continues, the Timer restarts. If you get hit you drop the loot and gotta collect it back from where you fell. touching enemies doesn't seem to end you, but getting clubbed or capped by em does. Your attacks only stun them, as unlike Bonnie and Clyde: The Bonanza Bros don't kill people, or even dogs. You Getta map in the center of the screen and the game always is widescreen as you only get half the screen to look at, but in 2P Mode the other player gets the top half. You press up andd down to go into the background and can stun foes with kicking open doors on em. Some enemies have shields that block bullets but if you do t right, you can slip intro the BG then come out and timer it to kick him down as he comes out. If you bite it, you resume where you fell, even using a Continue. Its got cool start of the 90s graphics and sorta CG like proto ReBoot. You play as these guys wanted Dead Or Alive with a reward of 100$, which I guess makes this the 20s as they got Blimps like Batman in the 90s. The music is good and has nice feels but the Jumping takes some getting used to, but isn't bad. I'm glad I did this one, It holds up and you play as 2 burglars getting dirt on crooked guys by sneaking in their places, including a Pyramid. Sorta like Arsene Lupin but with Blues Bros.

Just beat Fire Shark on my 218 Sega Genesis Games in 1 Multicart. Its a Shmup where you play as this plane and fight 10 levels of blasting on an autoscrolling field. You get like 5 Continues and up to 4 extra guys for each, You get extra guys for enough points and you have a Power Up system that you collect different colored square things  that raises the level if you get 2 or 3 in a row. Green is a double beam straight forward, Blue is spread shot and Red is a fire wing thing where it waves around. Each is good but I prefer Fire. The enemies go down pretty easy but there's a  lot of em. You bite it in 1 hit and go back to the Checkpoint if you do, but you linger for a bit if hit and can make it to the next one if close enough. A and C is main shot and B is the Screen Nuke that eats enemy shots but you don't get topo many of em, but get reset to 3 if you bite it. It can be a bit tricky but there is a Code where you pause and press in this order: Up, A, Down, B, Left, C, Right, Start, and if done right, lets you access the Test Mode that you can choose your Weapon, Power Level and Number of Screen Nukes. I used this as the game froze 2x when playing it and wanted to get through it b4 it happened again. Its got nice late 80s/start of the 90s graphics and the music is good. Nice bosses and good style and its worth a play. Glad I did this one, Its not so bad and you can be really overpowered when Fully Charged and plow through enemy forces, but 1 shot can end it. Also on the Ice Levels is some underground cannons that pop up and end you.

Just beat Saint Sword on Sega Genesis. Its a hack and slash game where you play as this knight and gotta slay a daemon or w/e. You get unlimited Continues and up to 5 guys but can get more with enough points I think. C is Jump, B is Sword and A is Magic or Item. You collect Transformations that can turn you into a Centaur, Angel or Merman for a limited time and they do different things like swimming in tight areas or flight or moving faster. After you take out enough enemies, you Digivolve into a Red Knight and your attacks do more damage. After beating more guys, you reach Gold Knight like Saint Seiya and your attacks are strongest. Also each level up you do has you swing the blade more with a button press. Some enemies drop magic that I never knew how to use, but a few sometimes drop Life, but some levels don't have em. If you bite it, you get back up and go on but running outta  Time or Guys means you restart the level. Your life isn't refilled between levels unless you beat a boss but you carry over the Knight Level each time. If you bite it you go back to base forme so you might wanna Grind against some guys you know how to beat. In each level you gotta beat a certain enemy and get a Key, then go to the door. There's a GPS Arrow that points where to go but might say to  to a wall you can't get through as it only points right where the door is. After getting through the 1st run, you gotta do it over again to beat the True Final Boss like Ghosts N Goblins. Also on the 2nd ruin there's no Arrow to lead you to the door. There's also a 6 character Password if you wanna return where you left off, but you only get the Passwords when you run outta guys. Overall its not bad. Good graphics and nice 80s music. Plays mostly well but at times I pressed Jump and he didn't. The worst guys are the Skeleton Warriors but you can walk forward and hammer Attack to try to look up or get em in a wall so when they jump they go in your blade. Glad I did this one. Its not bad.

Just beat Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood on DS. Its a RPG where you go through Sonics world and others with Sonic Characters. Its based on the Archie Comics a bit and has nice graphics, but some look like a 00s Fan Animation.  You have a team of up to 4 Furry's and fight enemies with attacks, or Pow Moves that use Power Points that can be recovered by Defending or using items. When you use a Pow Move or defend against an enemy one, you gotta do a touch screen thing where you tap the screen or drag on a line or curve. There's usually a pattern to it and I had trouble with the drag ones. Sometimes enemies flee and you gotta chase em and jump obstacles to catch em or they get away. Overall its pretty forgiving as you can save any time out side of a cut scene and if a character bits it, they are at 1 HP in the next battle. You can buy Pow moves as you Level Up with points you can save and some need the right guys in the Party to do so. You can equip items and Chao that you find in eggs on the ground and there's 1 Chao that lets you use Pow Moves w/o the Touch Screen thing. The story is pretty good and has some hints of Robotech II The Sentinels with different groups teaming up. Some parts you need the right character in the part to get by like Tails flying or Knuckles Climbing. Characters get different numbers of Attacks based on who they are and as you Level Up you get points to put into starts that make you better. Sometimes there's puzzles you gotta solve and there's quests you can do to get more items and Exp. Overall I liked this one, Its got that Sonic Charm and connects to past games like Sonic Battle and Sonic Adventure 01. Its pretty merciful and if you bite it you can try again at a minor cost, but I saved often so I reloaded. You even get 3 Save Slots and can Trade Chao, which are got randomly from eggs on the area, With other people who have a copy of this one. I skipped it before but I'm glad I did it. Oh and EVERYthing is done w/ Touch Screen!

Just beat Fire Mustang on my 218 Sega Genesis Games Multicart. Its a Shmup in WW2 where you play an one of the Allies and fight Zee Axis, even though the game is in Japanese. Like an American game in 1776 where you fight Washington. C and maybe A is the Peashooter and B is the Screen Nuke that you can find more of by taking out blimps. Also is Extra Guys and Power Ups that give you an upper then lower Diagonal Peashooter. It can be beat in like 15 mins and you only get 2 Continues. Its kinda tough after a few levels and sometimes enemies fire at you and others they don't. There's no Menu or Options or even a Title Screen. You start the game and do it. No codes or cheats either.. Basic as you can get. As you fire, you also drop mines that blow on the ground at an angle that do more damage but you gotta aim your fighter so it hits em. I'm not big on Shmups and this one was kinda tough, plus for some reason, when I play em: I instinctively move toward the enemy shots. I don't know why, Its like that Christopher Walken movie where he wants to go into traffic. So I used a Turbo Pad and had Start on Rapid Fire so it paused and unpaused fast in a fake slo mo. Its got nice graphics and like Thunder Force but made in WW2 as in its not as high tech or advanced.  The music is good and actually doesn't stop for Paused so it didn't devolve it with the Slo Mo. Its not a bad game, but only 2 continues makes it rough, esp as this was an Arcade Game and in Arcades you can put another coin in to Continue. You bite it in 1 hit and downgrade a level of weapon, and if you run outta guys: You gotta restart the whole level as there's no Checkpoints. I didn't hate it and its pretty WW2, but I'm not a fan of Shmups. Its decent and if you can handle all the shots, its not probably worth a try, esp if you wanna beat a game in like 15 mins 

Just beat Chase H.Q. II on my 218 Sega Genesis Games Multicart. Its a racing game by Taito but you gotta fight crooks as you are a cop and slam your car into theirs to bust it. Sorta like the Car Wrestling thing in Speed Racer. or Mad Max. 1 button is gas, 1 is brake and 1 is Boost that you get 3 of per life or level that makes you go faster and lasts even if you go off the road or stop. You get 3 Continues but can get 5 by holding Down and pressing C A A B A A C A A on the Title Screen. You have a time limit that you gotta get to the target car in and then it restarts when you start the fight. Its best to save your Boosts for the boss but maybe use 1 to get there on time. B4 each of the 5 levels you get a briefing to tell you what you are up against and the stats of it. You can choose from 1 of 3 vehicles, a fast Red Ferrari Mustang, A balanced Blue car, and a Strong Yellow Optimus Prime Truck and some do better on other levels. You don't take damage but can run outta time and when you do, you use a Continue and resume where you left off  and the boss is at the same life, but you get all 3 Boosts back. Its a quick game and can be beat in like 15 mins but has nice graphics and music and pretty impressive speed. Its not too hard if you know what to do but can be a bit annoying when trying to catch up to the target and there's curving roads and cars filling em up in your way. Its like Outrun but where you fight. Glad I played it. Its good for a quick win.

Just beat Disney's Pocahontas on my 218 Sega Genesis Games Multicart. Its kind of a Puzzle Platformer based on the 90s movie where you play as the girl and her raccoon familiar. C changes between characters, B jumps and A interacts with things or uses Animal spirit powers like Bravestar. You got like 4 levels with a Password system and Infinite tries. The Continue Screen is default on No I think so don't hammer Start. You only really take damage from falling and have 5 hit points but it only refills after biting it. As you go through the levels, you find animals who give you their souls like Mortal Kombat and you can use their powers like swimming with otter or summoning a stand like Jojo to scare guys with bear. A few things end you in 1 hit, like falling in a pit or a guy with a musket but there's a few checkpoints you can resummon from each time you bite it. Its not hard but some parts take some attempts like the waterfall, but with unlimited tries, its possible to trial and error til you get it. Thee last level you gotta do in 1 long go in a time limit and the last part kept getting me until I looked it up and saw you had to Keep hitting A while in the air in the jump to use Eagle Power. The game explains how to do things, except the Soaring Eagle, and has hints like the animal you gotta use being by where you use it in the last level, Its got quite good graphics and the music has the songs from the movie but some have a good flute effect. Its kinda simple and you'd expect a bonus level with the raccoon or humming bird or dog sorta like Aladdin or The Lion King, but this don't really need it as you don't got lives or continues or points. Its not bad and can be beat in under an hour. Some puzzles take a bit some figuring out and other are self explanatory. The racoon can climb some trees and you sometimes gotta use the girl as a stand to jump off.  There's swimming but she's part Mario and don't need air. I'm glad I did this one, its a decent time.

Just beat Cool Spot for Genesis on my 200 Sega Genesis and Master System Games Multticart. Its a Platformer where you play as the 90s Mascot for 7UP and gotta free your caged friends. You get a few lives and can earn Continues in Bonus Levels by collecting the letters for UNCOLA 1 level at a time. You gotta get enough Red Spots to open the cage at the end and if you get enough after that, you get the bonus level where you go up a bottle of 7UP by bouncing on bubbles. and getting high enough to get the thing. There's a time limit and checkpoints and if you beat a level with enough Spots or Time, you get an Extra Guy. 1 button is Jump and 1 is Fire what I think is Fizz or Foam that kills rats and bugs and crabs. You ca aim in 8 directions and each tap of it makes 1 shot, so use a Turbo Pad for Autofire. You get a lifebar but there's pits that end you, but you can Heal by collecting 7UP Beakers.  Its pretty decent and enemies stay dead after you resummon from biting it, and you can blast through walls to get enemies. Its by Virgin and has quite good graphics and nice music and controls pretty well, but some jumps are a bit tricky. I liked it and its a clean crisp way to spend like an hour. Oh and you gotta go up and jump across areas you can't see what's below you, but its usually not bad and the jumps are usually made by holding the D pad and jumping as far as you can. There's a Level End code by pausing and putting in A B C B A C A B C B A C and it beats the level for you. But I didn't need it. Glad I did this one.

Just beat Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar on my 100 Master System 100 Genesis Games Genesis Multicart. Its an RPG where instead of killing everyone evil, you gotta make yourself a paragon of virtue and master the 8 Virtues like Honesty or Sacrifice. You do this by talking to people and answering questions or just being a decent human being, like not stealing from peoples Chests, or not Lying or Giving Blood. If you do bad things, it drops your points and you gotta work harder to build it up. Its a pretty cryptic game but the info is in the game itself. You talk to people and ask em things and they give you hints. But unless you have a notebook full of things people say, you otta use a guider if you get stuck. You can use magic but you gotta buy the ingredients and mix em yourself. You get money from beating enemies but its best to let em go if they run as you get Virtue. After you fill up on a Virtue, you go to the shrine of it and meditate and use the Mantra 3x to master it. But you need the Rune of it and those are hidden. Also you gotta  talk to people to learn the Mantra. You level up by getting enough Exp and talking to Lord Brittish. If you bite it you return at his room with no items and 200Gold but keep your stats and Runes and stuff. You also gotta find these Stones in Dungeons. After you get all the items and get a team of 8 guys and all the shrines, you go to this evil island and do a deep dungeon with a quiz at the end. Its a great game with nice 8 bit graphics and music and controls well but having several party members makes it rough as you gotta keep track of who is where and who's turn it is. I liked it a lot and you can use a Horse and a boat in it. After you fight a boat, you can keep it and sail the seas. There is a Pirate Bay with all these boats that end you fast, but I went in/out 1x and fought ship to ship to Errol Flynn Yugi em out. Oh and you get Ki to use Spells from doing actions like Walking. Its a well made game and uses Save Files.

Just beat Stargate on my 106 Game Gear Games GBA Multicart. Its based on the movie by the director of 10 000 BC, 2012, and The Day After Tomorrow, which didn't get video games. I never saw it but This Game is a Puzzle Game like Block Out meets Columns, or more like Hatris, as you can't go Diagonal. Here you have a tunnel and drop tablets with Hieroglyphics on them. 1 button flips it to see the other side and the other makes it drop. You gotta stack 3 of the same kind in a pile to make em vanish. Also is a blank tablet that counts as a free one for any symbol, but you gotta remember what's under it as it covers it. The D Pad moves the piece clockwise or counterclockwise and Start Pauses but covers the play field. There's also a piece with a triangle on 1 side and some arrow that clears the whole stack if you use the arrow or clears all tiles of the top one touched with Triangle. In here you face the bad guy from the movie in a duel of clearing the symbols on the top of the screen. Once you get 3 in a stack that touch, the symbol decolorizes, Once you decolorize all the symbols, you go to the next level, if any. Clear all levels and you win the square. Also you can lose if the offscreen enemy clears his square or the tiles reach over the top. But if his tiles go too high, you win right there. If you clear enough tiles on the grid you win. Also every now and then, the tiles jut up from the bottom and lift a column. Its got good graphics with what looks like digitized screen caps from the movie and it has a good shrinking for pieces going lower. The Music has a Pharaonic feel and is well done. Its a pretty good game if you get the hang of it and like 1 screen Puzzle Games. Glad I did this one. It took me like 2 hours to beat but is worth a try. Oh and pausing doesn't cover the Symbols you need to/have cleared, so you canm glance at the tile and pause to check the list for advantage.

Three Hours To Kill Review

 Note: I spell hourly

Three Hours To Kill

This is my revierw on 3 hours 2 kill from the distant future year (To Ben Franklin) of 1954 (30 years b4 Transformers G1)

Its directal by Alfred L. Werker who did nothing I've seen

It starsa Dana Andrews from The GOOD Twilight Zone/The Ox-Bow Incident, Donna Reed from The Picture of Dorian Gray/It's a Wonderful Life/From Here to Eternity, Stephen Elliott from Death Wish 01, James Westerfield fromHang Em High, Richard Webb from the 50s a star is born, Carolyn Jones frrom the 50s War f the Worlds/The Seven Year Itch/Invasion of the Body Snatchers/How the West Was Won, Whit Bissell fromThe Red Badge of Courage/Creature from the Black Lagoon/The Time Machine/Birdman of Alcatraz/The Manchurian Candidate/Soylent Green, Francis McDonald from The Viking/Duel in the Sun/the 40s The Three Musketeers/Samson and Delilah/Santa Fe/Calamity Jane/The Ten Commandments/The Guns of Fort Petticoat/Joe Dakota= and some 1910a guys i never saw

so after title and creditswe see 2 guys ride by this horseman by a river and run off like weeners

so hoirseman i think is da main guy and he goes to town and everyones scared of him

like he has aids in the 80s, or he isnt wearing a mask in 2021

in a bar he meets the barkeep he knows and its tense

main guy has a rope scar on his neck and blames barkeep and he makes barkeep send the drunk home so they can be alone

barkeep offers him a driunk but he declines and attacks him and barkeep sez"we were friends, it wasnt my fault, there were otherts"

main guy puts a gun to barkkeps torso and sez barkeep and others had a guy iced and had him lynched for it

he wants the names but the sherrif comes in and aims a firtearm at him to taker him under arrest

this is like the count of monte cristo, ben hur and hookuto no ken

in jail he sez he came back after hearing sherrif got the position of sherrif and wants the man who wacked carter

then a flashback of 3 years ago when there was a party and 1 guy was drunk, i think its da barkeep

btw this is 77 mins long but grit extentds it with commercils to 2 hours

so main guty meetsd a red hed chick in a red dress whop hes ghay for

wait i tyhink itsd another guy

a loud texas is having fun and main guy telld to keep it down or get da f ouyt

carter and his womn come in and she likes main guy whos named jim like bimmy and jiimmy in doubnle dragon

they go to the back seat of a cart to make out, but in the rteal version they were b0ning

hes been reasdying a ranch and bank loan and they plan a future together

they are gonna marry and shes carters sister and vcarter dont think anyone is good enuff 4 her and is protective

then a friend of main guyy comew but asnd carter com,es in thinkingthey are together, wait, he confronts main guy for wanting to marry her

carter thinkshe wont do it and maion guy sez he should have married her b4, implying they b0nedf

cartyer beats on main guy andmain guy pulls a gun but throws it away and they fight

it cuts away and we see main guy getting up andf finding carter dead and he picks up as gun

the crowd comes andsay carter never had a gun and they think he shot carter in da back

he denies it but they choose to string him up

they rip off hisd shirt and execute him by poking 7 finger holes in hs chest as he screams

jk reallyy his friends try to end him like thec=ck suckers at funimatiomn on vicx mynogna

gf comes in and fires a gun to stop it but it makes the horse cart he was on go and the rope breaks and drags and catches on things and f'd his neck

he jumps off and the horsemen chasing him go after da cart and its clearly day but edityed with tinting to be night

so he rides off on a horse and goes off into hiding in the wasteland and now wants his name clwearted

now hje wants revebnge but sherrif sez they suffered from guilt

imagine if he has them all crucified and set on fire, then drinks moonshine and laughs as they scrream

so hes a wanterd man and is given 003 hours to do what ne needs

so this 1 guy called marty haS 2 chicks and they suggest skipping town and he doesbarkeep gets a gun andfollows main guy going to a barbershop

main guy sees the barkeep aiming at him in the reflexction like in austin powers and jumps in the store

he holds barber at gunpoint and barber sez "i dont carry agun, the only thing i'm handy with is a razer" which means he can chop people up

main guy takes a shave and they talk about how having a womAN CAN help a man

imagine if the barber tried to cut his newwck and main guy caught it in his neck muscle and fingered out the guys eyes?

so after careful shaving with the rope burn, jummy asks why barber wanted him lyubcxhed and barber sez carter helped him and was his homie

jim grabs him and grills him for who wanyted carter dead and holds a blade to hisd neck

he sez he thought it was jim who did it and if he disdsnt he would have cut him whi;le shaving

so jim goes to the hotel and red hed is there and they go to her room

d0ng b0ne her! you might get civil wwar aids!

Sghe gets him a drubnk and comforts him and he asks where is marty

sshe quuesations what good it'll do and sez she waited for him to come bacck as shes gay for him

he sez after hes done he might skiup town and she sez if he wacks the killer hes just as bad as him

she offers to run off with him and he dont consent and he still waNTS CARETER SISTER

i never saw this b4 but i think shes gonna get it

she sez theyt killed the jim she knew and he agrees

he goes down to his horse he parkjed and i thought; what if soeone sabotaged his horse so its brakes went out?

so da town meets to decide what to do about jim and later the barkkeop barber abnd martin and gathered by sherrif to be wary of the jim

carter sister comes by wait its marty and he sends his chicks off to anothertown

2 women? this is p0rn0!

Althouigh Mina in Sailor Moon daterd 2 guys in 1 ep

I wanna get her voice actor to say: I'm Mina and I had over 300 guys! Today on Maury!

so jim goes to a mexoico gguy and carter chick looks on, wait, its sherriuf not jim

she hears jimmy is back from h=ll and she goes ouyt for him

also she has a kid, but WHO is da FATHER?> find out,m TODAY on Maury!

so jim goes to see careter sister and meiico  sez no ones home and kid runs out cuz da dog is barking

as kid is a dumba55, he gets caught about to go in da well and  jimmy saves him

carter 2 comes out and its revealed he sent her letters but she never got em

she maried niles a month after jim left and its implied the kid is his illergitimate son

he wants to be a dad like a real man AND NOT ICING  the kids like lee marvin

she defends niles but jim thinks niles had the carter wacked and pinned on him

she b--ches at him and goes in and main guy grills mexico fir where niles is

so niles comes back and gets his shotgun and wants to end jim but carter girl truies to talk him outta it

he's jealous of jimmy being her real love and he wants to make her love only him by killing the man she loves more

thats bad logic

if my gameboy broke by segas as I liked its games more, that would make me hate the gameboy

or if my dog ate myu son as it was jealous, i;'d have the doig put in the korea cooker

or cAIn cxhopping up Abel

also Shin poking finger holes in Kenshiro to make Yuria love him

niles goos oot and in thewasteland, jim gets jim at gunpoibnt, but whenb he  gets close, niles fights hiom

jim wins and sherrif brings niles in b4 he can cay why and who iced cartman

but niles pulls sharrifs gun and runs off on horse a555

wait, it weas the marshall who was there and sherruif is in the jailhouse and talking with martys woman

wwait i think its redhead

carter girl comes in with her son and tells sherrif about the niles and jim event

red head sez for carter girl to admit her love for jim and stop lying to her husband and hherself and after a slap on red hhead, carter girl ghoes off and leaves her kid with red hgead

btw the 00s count of monte cristo did the whole; betrayed by a friend and his pregnant woman married his homie, thing

so she gioes to jim and sez sheoves him ands stayed with niles for the baby

he wioshes they could havbe had a family and she suggests running off but he sez no

she reveals  nilers said he saty jim endthe carter greyson and he realizes niles had a hand in it

the 4 emperorsa talk over wh didnt barber end jim in tthe shave, yet for some reason, barkeep diudnt follow him

as they talk, jim sneaks in and has em at gunppoint and sez he wants to know whjo ended carter

after accusations against each other and niles sez he loved da girl but barber was the 1st to say lynch

jim sez they all wanted him dead and all are guiilty and marty sez  they are guilty of wantuing him dead but he knows who capped carter

sherrif comes by a jail i think and jimmy boiy comes in and sez hes staying and wantsa a trial

sherriuf wants main guy to leave and jim reveals he kknows sherriuf iced carter as he owed carter a lot of  monbey in poker games

after sherruif cappped carter he took da i o u after cappping him and bl;ames jim

sherrif sez carter cheeted and pulls a gun on jim but doesnt cap him like that teen on svuu with the rabbit

jim opens da door and sherridf runs oiyurt and they gunfight and jim is shouyuldder nailed

they get clkose and fist fight  but jim has a hole in his arms a55

jim is on da ground andsherrif sstarts to draw but jim is faster and wastes him

back to h e double soviet california!

the people see he capped sherrif and are gonna lnch hiom, biut his ex friends stand up fior him and reveal sherrif icefd careter

jim gets his horse And tells the i o u is in a striong box and wants to go off so hes not haunted by bad memories

jim sez bye to carter girl and da sion and nilees and rides off

niles sez she can go after him but she chooses to stary with her husband

red head goes after jim so he dont j=rk offf on the prarie and has someone to b0ne

the end

That was pretty good

kinda bada55 and cool and had an ominous atmosphere

Good tension and styyle and even though it was in widescreen, the color was positive

good acting and writing and kindas heavy srs issues for a 50s film

it has a good mystery unraveling and good music and filming

didnt expect the ending but it makes sense

her overcoming him is like likian gish in the wind

its only a bit over an hour and weas redone by roger corman latewr as a different movie name

this was worth a watch

For Three Hours To Kill 2 I want the son to find out the jummy was his real dad and goes to find him, as he goes, he faces renegades whjo use stolen experimental tech from Thomas Edfison that is a power armor steam powered suit and can fly and usde blades that extend, and he has to fight em with edisons super gun that uses magnets to hsave the shots home in on the suits, made in case it got outta control, Its also a 32/64 bit game on Sega Saturn, Platstation , N64 and 3D0 like body harvest where you play as the so and use different period vehicles to get through levels and fight the gang.

Tuesday, August 16, 2022

Taras Bulba The Cossack Review

 Notye: i spell cossackian, nah, Imma Pole!

Taras Bulba, the Cossack

Tgis is my review on Taras Bulba The Cossack from 1962 (60 years before Robotech II The Sentinels) and its the italiano version

There was an ameriucan ver with tony curtis and Yul Brymnner buit thats changed things from da book so imma do this 1

It stars a bunxcha ITALIANOES I never heard of and was directal by Ferdinando Baldi who did nothing I ever saw

Its based on a book I never read by Nikolai Gogol (Sengoku from Cyber City OEDO 808: Go f==k urself gogul!) actually he seenms pretty cool in some ideas

I never saw this but maybe my dad read me the Classics Illustraterd Comic in the Turn of the Milliennium

So it starts with text saying in 1569 the Polands took over the ukraine part of russias and tried to evolve the people wioith Poluish Protioculture

but the ukraines resisted and started a malcontent uprisiong like thev Zentraedi in Robotech and started the cossack warriors to fight the noble blonde poles and Tartar homies

this is about Taras Bulba Taras Bulba trying t stop El Polen Zakken

Wtf this is called The Fighting Cossacks

Its the Dubbed versiopn like Cardcaptors and card captor sakura

So after some horse riders in the snow on big black horses with credits over it, this big mexican looking hairless guy sez he dont want his son to go to Poland as he wants him to be a cossack

btw this is in PROPER fullscreen and in color

but this guy sez the Pole King ordered it so the ukraines can learn instead of being inbred hicks

the airless guy attacks the guy and scares him off on his White horse

hairless guy wants to murder anyone who tries to educate his son to be a violent fighter 

later in da governors palace its dark and hard to see sh-t  but a guy moves around the falls

theres chicks in thuis main hall doing thar slavic dance thatr proves White People Got Moves Homie!

Look at em go! They're like ninja!

so the governor hears the cossackls are not honoring their treaty and resist following the Catholic God instead of w/e soviets use

after more dancing, this chick is bummed her bf is going and his name is andre

he womnt be back until he beats da Poles and they smooch and hold and he goes aftewrgiving her an item like yuria and the seeds to kenshiro in Hokuto No Ken the 80s movie

in the real version theyy wewre probably b0ning

so andre is going oot oon horse a55 nback and is revealed the gf is el polen zakken and he wont tell his dad

i think the mexicany guy is his riding mate

then we see this slavic viollage like tyhee olde copuntryye and they're bbqing eirther a puig or a dog, hard to tell

a old chich goes to prepare beds and the mexcicany guy i think sez he wants his kids to sleep outside like cavemen or warriorsa

wait i think its another mexicany guy

he goes to the beds and gets swords for his sons and laughs

so andre and moustache mexican who was his homie cpome backand mexicany guy welcomes his sions from the academy at ki ev and he mocks them for wearing fancy clothes  and looking like women

andre sez it was mexicany guys idea to send him there and then they are gonna fight

but its just guys haviong a feats of strength where they show off manliness

these guys seem kinda devolved

oh and the dad mexicany guy is Taras Bulba

son runs on a patio and dad throws pumpkib bs at him so he jumps down but is tyaken down

they rough house some more and Taras Bulba has a shaved head but 1 lonmg thing of hair in a top knot

i can see beta males who like man buns or shaver half the head doing that

after being sprirtzed by water, son punchewws dad down and dad praised him for his fighting

wait, i think andre is the one who didnt fight and the other son fought him

they have a meal and the ode chicke is andres mom and comforts him and she sez Taras Bulba is gonna go to war witrh tartars and poles

andre goes to the meal and dad sez to be with men and get a saber and horse and they are going to the cossack hq 

they dance and drink and party and dad wants to know tthey speak latin in the acedemy and lift is the best school of all and you dont need b0ooks or school to learn

tthen mocks his sn for learning and the anmdre busts a wood thing and tells off dad for being an a55

they bust more things for no reason as they are devolved and drunk and get ready to attack Krakow

Taras Bulba drinks more vodka and busts the cup then blacks ouut

I think I see why we Poles look down on those uikranians the way the breittish look down on Us Americans

andre is comforted by his mom for not being violent and tells him to be kind to his wife when he gets 1

the gf from Poland refuses the kings cousin who wants to marry him but her dad sez she has to

Also Pole dad seez her wearing an orthadox cross from andre and worries she'd be excommunicaTED

I guess they were more strict about doing eviil back then, candyta55 trudeau and back door biden weren't excommunicated and they support all kinds of sin and evil

pole dad is p-ssed she was dating a cossack and storms out

then comes back with a huge claymore blade and swings it down, sliving her in half!


to the rebels of tarttars and cosacks and 1 othere come to the pole dad i think and offer him tribute

the tartars offers jewels and the cercasians (*not sure how its spelled) brings slave women but the cossacks say they bring no offering and wanna fight off da Poles

then they leave as the Poles aren't bad guys who put heads on stakes like soviet englAND IN the 1800s

so at da cossack hq Taras Bulba comes by with his sons and this guy sounds ret-rced when he greets Taras Bulba but doesnt after thatr

the cossacvks are still fightriung da tartars and we get the slavic dance and 1 chick dressed in a bikini top and long skirt like a ukranian hawaian

1 cossack is beiing whipped for stealing and gets 10 lashes

better than 6 months in jail beiung butt hammered by aids filled junkies

Taras Bulba gets to whip him but he lets his son do it, bvut son dont consent to it so dad b--ches at him fior bnnot being a f==kin xsadist!

tthe bikini chick stands in front of the whipped guy after Taras Bulba whiped him a bit and does a sexy dance

is she a gypsy?

wait, its the otrher son wjowas gonna whip and he takes off his coat and hat and goes to b0ne her

nah he does some slavic dance with squats and jumps and spins

other son chats with bikini girl and is psurprised there and babes there and tries to b0ne her bjt she gets out of there

i assume shes a h00ker

Taras Bulba b--ches at andreas for not whipping a man and he must "leartn our ways"

the bikini girl runs but other son chases her and this is starting to get svu

thety grapple and fall to da ground and i thinkm they b0ne

you dont know how many men she had b4 u, you might get castlevania aids

meanwhile  Taras Bulba meets his homie in a big a55 soviet hat and Taras Bulba shows him anfdre and sez his other son is with a girl

homie dont wanna fight against the tartars and poles as they signed an oath not to fight on the Bible

Taras Bulba whines about how not beiung violent makes emn like women, which is not what Jesus taught, and homie sez they can't break their word

Also what about Optimus Prime? He was strong but gentle ands cared, but still kicked a55

Homie sez Taras Bulba didnmt pay his taxes to the king, which Jesus said "Give what is caesars to caesar"

Taras Bulba whines that his kind need to fight as its in their dna to fight like the Zentraedi in Robotech

homie doesnt consent to joining in the war, like Portugal in WW1

other son is gonna go and bikini girl dont want him to go as she likes b0ning him and threy b0ne again

man these ukranians are lusty

so i think the pole dad is gonna arrange something with the rebvels and wait thats not pole dad

Taras Bulba and his droogs drink as they are addicted and whines about da polz taking over

also he smokes a twisted pipe as 1 vice isnt enuff and he fears the poles will attack, ice their kids and enmslave the women

so like the ottoman turks?

Taras Bulba donmt wanna listenb to the leadewr called crotchavoy and 1 guy sez to replace him

then fighters break intoi da camp and attackl and we getta sqordfight

so i think andre is captured and knocked out and taken off in a wood cart 

the next day Taras Bulba sez das tartars attacked and the leader is cr-ppy and blames it on da poles for being behind it

sounds like modern day conspiracy things

so then theres fire and people riunning around and then in this dark area a guy complains of his men not catching Taras Bulba

i think its the pole dad

also they present to pole dad andreas whos Taras Bulba jr and pole dad recognizes him from the academy


f u caps lockl you limp d0ng candy a55 c=ck sucker aids bag

so gf wants to see andreas but her maid or slave or w/e sez pole dad might ice him so maid goes instead

so Taras Bulba  meets a guy wjho sent the attack, but dont know it, and sez if he pulls back the pole king will spare his son

Taras Bulba dont let that get in his geee haaaad and sez if andrae is harmed, he'd murder everyone,. then prays after the sender goes off

at night, other son sez da poles are attacking and wakes up his dad and when the poles get there, the camp is empty

Then the cossacks attack and its kinda dark as I guess they filmed at night

So the maid i think goes to da jail and offers a prisoner adrink and i think a ring to help andraes and he gives andrrae the drink

is it a healing thing like with Hinata giving Naruto the medicine?

so andrae is told the thing was sent by gf and they are perisoners of poland and he wants to end it

but then thinks dad will save them

gf asks a guy to save andrae but he sez he cant as its treason and wait i think its the kings cousin

Long ago, my Slovenian grandma told my dad notto marry a ukrainan as she knew 2 Slovenians who did and suicided

Also Slovenia has a higher suicide rate than Japan!!

We're like 4th in the world and Japan in 11

Its like when the gaijin kid does wortse in gym than the fat kid! it breaks expectations, in the woprst way!

so then in the polish fortress, the enemy is comming and is lead by Taras Bulba

They don't have enough troops and pole dad places the trpoops but others suggest a group outside the gates

so afdter a long thing of pieces being placed on the board, pole dad yells to Taras Bulba  to turn back and if they don't, he'd string up his son

for some reason, the poles put andrae on a horse and tued his arms behind him, but didn't tie the horse, so he used his legs and made the horse run

its like when my blonde polish canadiasn aunt called tech support cuz her wireless printer didnt work, as she diudnt plug it in, vz its wireless

now i never saw this b4, but if i know russiuan novels, its gonna end with someone suiciding

so andraeas gets to his dads side and they attack with their mongoloid hordes heading for the noble blonde poles

they actually got mdozens to hundreds of horders for this batytleand films in a big empty wasteland

now it would all be cgi

so theres a big epic lord of the rings battle of guys on horses fighting with blades, but not beyblades, cuz those can bust stone and steel

imagine spinning a beyblade through a guy and its guts spill out?

So the revbels break through the 1st line and face a phallanxand archers but deal with em

soo Taras Bulba and another cossack hug and kiss on the mouth, but not in a gay way, they are just european

the poles have only 10 days of food and need reinforcements so pole king sends a runner

then its night and Taras Bulba  wants his son to celkebrate them busting da polz but he senses andrae is dhiding something

he figgerz its a girl and he tells him to marry in his own race and faith as its better than being a traiotor

as for me; o'm polish/.slovenian, so i disagrtee

i would never want my son dating outside his race. no goblins. no orcs. or hobbits. elves i can tolerate though.

so as the supplies are limited, 1 guy in jail bites it from no water

pole dad sez they are getting no trioops and are gonna start peace talks

pole dad dont want em in da city and 1 advisor sez to fight as they cant trust the cossacks

1 guy sez not to saurrender as it makes em seem weak but he dont wanna sacrifice da city for honor

a wise man knows when hes had enough

so da polz sendguys with the cities gold and asks for mercy

Taras Bulba wants the pole dads daiughter to sell at the slave market in constantinople and when da pole dont consent, he sez he'd take em himself

man this guys an animal!no wonder the poles hate them!

so Taras Bulba  is the bad guy right?

so pole dad is p-ssed at this and is gonna go out fighting so his daughtr wont be b0ned by really ugly guys  forever

daughter hears this and chooses to go out as a human sacrifice to save the city

the people try to get her not to but she ignores them

is this like a tale of 2 cities where the guys gets it to save the thing?

So the bsad guys get the chick but andrae takes her and returns to da castl;e as he's civilized and likes her

Taras Bulba  yells at him and disowns him for "ruining da familys good name"

sez the guy who wanted to steal and sell an innocent girl into slavery

this is like in the sound of music where george baily or w/e the dad was tells the chicks nazi bf; you'll never be one of them

so now hes ghonna end his son likew he's lee marvis or c;liunt eastwood and attacks da pole base

so da cossacks get in and torch da place and the chick gets an arrow in the back and bites it

i didnt expect a happy ending as this is a russian nocvel

so andrae makes out with her body and is bummed and looss on AT THE EVIL HIS people do

he wipes hjis tears and his body starts to glow blue, then his ki starts pilsating and he unleashes his emotions he kept bottled up for years and obliterates the area and all in it with 1 burst of ki

jk really he fights violentlyy and takes out his former men

the pole dad calls a truce andf Taras Bulba  readys his bow but other son sez no and he stops, then snipers andrae

he bitews it on pole chicks body and Taras Bulba Taras Bulba walks up to em and crys for his vioctim asking his god to forgiver him

then takes the body back and i think might eat it as considering the evil he's done, i wouldn't putr it past him

i'm surprized he doesnt comit seppuku

so he sez he murdered him cuz he loved him, which is NOT love

Is this like Yugioh GX how Yubel sees love as suffering and if you hurt someopne its a way of showing love?

freekion ukranians!

the end

that was a well done movie

like clockwork orange; the main guy is the bad guy

see also lon chaney

its a good 60s film with that classic style and feel

the dubbing is sorta like the transformers the headmasters dub in voices but works

the action is well done and even though the lioghting is rough in some scenes, its not awful

good themers of civiloized vs violent and it ends on a kinda go nagai or gendam feel

while the cossacks have some legit issues like how the colonies didnt like england in 1776 or thre confedertates did in the 1800s, i think theit evil outshines their good intentions

also the whole; kills a fam member for betraying thje famioly" was used in Urban Dogs Vs Urban Dawgs

its a good movie and showsa what the Poles had to put up with

My polish grandma likedthe tony curtis/yul brynner one but i found this free on youtube and its closesr to the book

For Taras Bulba The Cossack 2 I want him to have been beaten by the reinforced Poles but found a cursed place of daemons and makes a pacxt with them for power, then is devolved into a musk ox monster and he single handedly takjes on the poles, but a polish muscle man with a holy hammer challenges him and beats him in battle, so he goes back to the daemnons and gets devoilved into a different creature and tries again, and again, and again with duifferent foirmes, also its a 32/64 bit 3d fighter oin Sega Saturn, N64, Playstation and 3D0 where you play as the Pole or several made for game characters , or one of the formes of the Taras Bulba and fiught through a chain of bayylkes, also the final boss is the daemon that devolved him and its a  gortesque mound of flesh and bones and teeth and eyes and limbs and lips and feathers and fur and sclaes and fish tails and tentacles.