Hannie Caulder Review

 Note: I spell better than holen caulfield thinks

Hannie Caulder

This is my review on Hannie Caulder from the distant uture year (To Oda Nobunaga) on 1871(40 years beforte Transformers Seasion 4 and Robotechg Season 1)

Its directed by Burt Kennedy why did Support Your Local Sheriff!, Dirty Dingus Magee (Thje P0RN0?!), The Alamo: 13 Days to Glory and Suburban Commando

it stars Raquel Welch from Legally Blonde/Naked Gun 33+1⁄3: The Final Insult/butt f==king Myra Breckinridge/One Million Years B.C., Robert Culp fromn Robot Chicken/The Secret Files of the Spy Dogs/Conan the Adventurer/Spy Hard/The Pelican Brief/Highway to Heaven, Ernest Borgnine from SpongeBob SquarePants/Touched by an Angel/Pinky and the Brain/All Dogs Go to Heaven the show and the 2nd movie/Little House on the Prairie/Escape from New York/The Black Hole/The Dirty Dozen/Bad Day at Black Rock/From Here to Eternity, Jack Elam from The Night of the Grizzly/The Cockeyed Cowboys of Calico County/Dirty Dingus Magee(The ep of DBZ where Bacterian seduced android 18 and krillin watchged!!)/Suburban Commando/The Rifleman/The Twilight Zone, Strother Martin from Dick Van Dyke/The Twilight Zone/SSSSSSS/Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid/Cool Hand Luke/Showdown/The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance/Black Patch/A Star is Born/The Red Badge of Courage/The Asphalt Jungle, Christopher Lee from Lord of the Rinfgs/The Hobbit/Star Wars/Alice in Wonderland/Corpse Bride/Sleepy Hollow/The Stupids/Gremlins 2: The New Batch/Gremlins 2: The New Batch/The Last Unicorn/the Ham,mwer Dracula movies/The Last Unicorn/Hamlet/Captain Horatio Hornblower, the deviANT Diana Dors from Berserk, wait, she tuerned Catholic b4 biting it? Just like Shiro Ishii! Luis Barboo from The Wind and the Lion/Conan the Barbarian, Stephen Boyd from The Bible: In the Beginning.../Genghis Khan/the 50s Ben Hur, and some ghuys not on wikpesa

i saw some of this bit not the whole thing

So aftwer action music and an illisyration of raquwel tyo credits we get a town where these malcontents come intoon horses

they rob a bank and shoot the place up and a guy rings a bell but they cap him

the soldiers open fire  but cant hit for beans and the badds escape as the guards chase em

us thgis in soviet mexico? they otta nuke that cesspoole, those cartel monsters boiling people in acid and b0ning em dead

so the malcontents escape after a chase as their horses are a foot taller than the meixcan ones i guess and the punks stop to bicker

malcontent; shut yo a55!

lol good line

they go to carjack new horses as theirs are outta gas and they come to this farm and meet jummyy whos statiuoned there

the 3rd malcontent caps him and find his woman and b0ne her WOC with out consent

I think this is where Violence Jack OAV 3 h=lls wind got the idea

Maybe I Spit On Your Grave/.Day Of The Woman

 after the b0ning they torch the place and leave her to cook anbd leave but she gets out and sees her man with a hole in him

itys done w/o words and strong music like a silent film

after berrying him she goes around in a  poncho that shows off her tanned legs andf goes off with a rifle

she finds a busted place with a well and then a guy comes on a horse to it

that shot of raquel in the wastekland with the hair and poincho looks like a sci fi wastelanfd warrior thing

the guy comes to the well and she aims a gun at him but he wants water for his horses

he takes the gun, unloads it and returns it but i think shge knocks him out and takes his horse

on the horse she finds a bodyy and starts a fire and watches trhe knocked out guy

hungry, she takes a bite outta his leg and feeds on himn

jk really she checks him and takes his gun belt revolvers

she does target practivce and s-cked at it and he wakes up and backhands her for her acts

hes a bounty hunter and she wants to be taught how to use a firearm

he dont wanna i think and driinks water and she offers her a55 to him to teach her

she dont care if she bites it and wants revenge and he dont trust hewr and sez no

he gores off and she follows on foot and he gives her a hat and water, then sez no and goes on

she follows and hes putting bullets in his belt and she trys being nice but he still sez no

laster shes sleeping and having viet nam nightmares of the guys b0ning her and wakes uip screaming

he comforts her and finds it was 3 guys on her and they iced her husband

so da bad guys are b--ching at each other and 1 has a sore a55 leg from a gunshot and the soldiers come for them and they book it

so the bounty hunter givews raquel some clothes sand invites her to come to mexico to meet a gunsmith for her to be taught gun fu

they go to a town and he has her go clothes shopping and he goes to the salloon

nowadays that would be seen as "gender norms" as its normal

she takes a bath in a wood barrel and we see her stand up but shes in new pands

no bra and bare back buit no front no nips

she chats with da sherrif then goes to da salloon and wen she sez the guys name, thomas, the card players know him as thomas riley edwards i mean thomas luthor price and 1 triwes to cap him

tom takes him out and the signal f''d oiut on antenna tvcon grit but they meet sherrif andthomas getsa paid for the bounty

then we cut to a gunbfight in the wastelaNDS AND THE BAD GUYS ARE FIGHTING THE GUNS AND EACH OTHER

2 STAND UP BUT THE SHots miss and f u caps lock, get an aids needle in yo d0ng

so they escape and then we see raQUEL AND T L going to an empty place as he tells his storty

after the civil war when the gunmaker made guns for the confederates, he had to esacape to saoviet mexicoand now has a mexico wife and kids

They meet da gunman and then its day with tuunt to look like night and the bad guys are goiing mental over not having much food left

1 sez he b0ned a chicvk and the other sez hes lying and they bicker about cr-p more

eventually they decide to get dino might and attack a town

is this Robotech Battlecry? Are they Zentraedi?

meanwhile, raquel is getting along withj gumnmans kids by the sea at da beaCH AND GUNMAN TALKS WITH T L  about the gun foir her but hes checkng ioytr raquelk wqelcgh

DA  next dayt l gives her a stick with a rope and has her wind up the rope with a rock on it as some kinda kung fu training

he has her train til she does it 30 x then gets a bigger rok

then a training montage to mexico music as a gun is being hammered

push it to the limit

hearts on fire

theres no easy way out

we need a montage

so the  gun is tested with a fuse and unmanned and i think it works

a guy comes by and gunman gives him a firearm to fix and goos oof

hes in all black like a cowboy version of bleach

so the raqwel gun is dome and he tells her gun safety tips

then they put a clay pot on a cross and haVE HER train slow to draw so she know how to do it

she takes a shot and its missed and its 45 calibur

she takes more shots and misses all and later he tells her how shadows at different day timec maKE DISTANCE LOOK OFF

THENN GIVEES ADVICE LIKE "TAKE OIUT TGHE FASTEST GUY 1SAT" AND "AIM IN THE TORSO"

p off caps lock, stop f ing my sh-t

so later we hget soft miusic and raQULK AND T L WALKING THE beach

after more gun traiining she watches t l plauy with the gunmans kids and then a pack of horsemen come over

its a bunch of mexicans who talk with gunman  and t l goes to the house \

as gunmabn wwalks bback, t l openbs fire and guinman grabs a gun and takes some out

this juist went schwarzenegger

its a big a55 gun fiught and even raqwel joins in

a mexioco comes in behind her and she gets him 1x but freezes and t l has to finish him

the mexicos fl;ee and now they haave enough meat for for winter

jk; theres no winter in mexico

elsewhere the bads blow a safe in a town bank ANd it bvlows the money so they leave

so t l and ra qwel ride off as dows the 3 bads  to good music

tl and raeql come to a  fort and search for the 3 guys butfind jack sh-t

t l advises not to hiunt for em and forgive and she wont and he regrets helping her train as its ruining her

later tthe 3 emperors of sh-t come by and bicker and t l sees em

how would he know its them if he never saw em b4??

So t l edwards catches a guy hes after from behind and tellsd him to turn around slow

theres a 100$ Bounty on him and they are gonna go to the shgerrifs

one of the bads played by mermaid man throws a blade at him and he fires all in supoer slo mo

he gets a knife in the gut like raspiutin and she goes out to find him fall

the people take him to da dr and i think the guy he caught to take to sherrif was one of the 3

so t l is recovering in bed with rAquel by him and he wants her to promise not to go after em

b4 she answers he bites it and ashge goes out to da saloon for revenge

she finds where 1 is and goes up and finds him witrh a h00ker

she gives him as gun and sez shes hgonna icwe him and  they draw

she bloewws him out but takes a left arm shot b4  finishing him and he falls out da window and on a h00jer

she gets her armm fixed andsherrif gives her 100$ for da  bounty

the 2 remainders, who was his brothers, are at his grave and 1 stole a bibl;e

he finds the grave diggers are digging 2 more graves for em and they wanna ice her 1st

raquekl is gonna have a beer but 1 brother comes in with a shotgun and he recognizes her from the b0ning and jokes of it

he sez they're gonna  b0ne annd then he's off her head, probably to b0ne it, but she had a gun hidden in her arm sling and wastes him

sherrif sez to get outta town b4 someone innocent gets it but she sez he didnt mind the brothers

sherrif sez they wrrewnt sdhooting upo the place andshe goes off to the forty in the windy a55 desert

meremaid man gets p-ssed that shge paid for brothers sertvice an goes off to ice her after hearling where she is

if this were in modern times; the final battle would be in a factory

so he goes to da fioret to b0ne frank sinatra back to h e double italy

so he wanders around and theres some suspence as she lurks in the dusaty area and he searches foir her

no words,m like a silent film, epic

he sees her shadow and follows it and sees her climbing stasirs

he readys a knife and the black clad man shoots it outta his hand

shge recalls t l's words and caps him a ffew times

btw the black suit man saving her ansd she finisdhes the bad was ripped off by sailor moon wioth texedo masl

then she goes back with mermaid mans body on a horse and credits roll toi music

also thjis film was widescreen and colorted

the end

that was quite good

nice style and feel

good acting and filming

nic eediting and story

its like a silent film like how star wars or tim burton did things

raquel is like a go nagai chick; bada55 and strong but still feminine and cool

nowadays theyd make her a whiny feminist and she'd shave halfdd her head and dye the rest blue

its a lot like Violence Jack and shows how women starring films can be cool and likable

its well done and i had a good time watching it

for Hannie Caulder 2 I want her to go after a bounty and it takes her to mexico, she finds a pack of chupacabra and escapes to a trown nearby  where they prepare for the coming horde o those daemnons. Also its an 8 bit game on sega master system and game gear, atari lynbx and 7800, nes and gameboy and tg16 where you play as her and fire on chupaacabra with guns or use a blade built into your arm by thegun smith and battle em like Blade on GBC