Taras Bulba The Cossack Review

 Notye: i spell cossackian, nah, Imma Pole!

Taras Bulba, the Cossack

Tgis is my review on Taras Bulba The Cossack from 1962 (60 years before Robotech II The Sentinels) and its the italiano version

There was an ameriucan ver with tony curtis and Yul Brymnner buit thats changed things from da book so imma do this 1

It stars a bunxcha ITALIANOES I never heard of and was directal by Ferdinando Baldi who did nothing I ever saw

Its based on a book I never read by Nikolai Gogol (Sengoku from Cyber City OEDO 808: Go f==k urself gogul!) actually he seenms pretty cool in some ideas

I never saw this but maybe my dad read me the Classics Illustraterd Comic in the Turn of the Milliennium

So it starts with text saying in 1569 the Polands took over the ukraine part of russias and tried to evolve the people wioith Poluish Protioculture

but the ukraines resisted and started a malcontent uprisiong like thev Zentraedi in Robotech and started the cossack warriors to fight the noble blonde poles and Tartar homies

this is about Taras Bulba Taras Bulba trying t stop El Polen Zakken

Wtf this is called The Fighting Cossacks

Its the Dubbed versiopn like Cardcaptors and card captor sakura

So after some horse riders in the snow on big black horses with credits over it, this big mexican looking hairless guy sez he dont want his son to go to Poland as he wants him to be a cossack

btw this is in PROPER fullscreen and in color

but this guy sez the Pole King ordered it so the ukraines can learn instead of being inbred hicks

the airless guy attacks the guy and scares him off on his White horse

hairless guy wants to murder anyone who tries to educate his son to be a violent fighter 

later in da governors palace its dark and hard to see sh-t  but a guy moves around the falls

theres chicks in thuis main hall doing thar slavic dance thatr proves White People Got Moves Homie!

Look at em go! They're like ninja!

so the governor hears the cossackls are not honoring their treaty and resist following the Catholic God instead of w/e soviets use

after more dancing, this chick is bummed her bf is going and his name is andre

he womnt be back until he beats da Poles and they smooch and hold and he goes aftewrgiving her an item like yuria and the seeds to kenshiro in Hokuto No Ken the 80s movie

in the real version theyy wewre probably b0ning

so andre is going oot oon horse a55 nback and is revealed the gf is el polen zakken and he wont tell his dad

i think the mexicany guy is his riding mate

then we see this slavic viollage like tyhee olde copuntryye and they're bbqing eirther a puig or a dog, hard to tell

a old chich goes to prepare beds and the mexcicany guy i think sez he wants his kids to sleep outside like cavemen or warriorsa

wait i think its another mexicany guy

he goes to the beds and gets swords for his sons and laughs

so andre and moustache mexican who was his homie cpome backand mexicany guy welcomes his sions from the academy at ki ev and he mocks them for wearing fancy clothes  and looking like women

andre sez it was mexicany guys idea to send him there and then they are gonna fight

but its just guys haviong a feats of strength where they show off manliness

these guys seem kinda devolved

oh and the dad mexicany guy is Taras Bulba

son runs on a patio and dad throws pumpkib bs at him so he jumps down but is tyaken down

they rough house some more and Taras Bulba has a shaved head but 1 lonmg thing of hair in a top knot

i can see beta males who like man buns or shaver half the head doing that

after being sprirtzed by water, son punchewws dad down and dad praised him for his fighting

wait, i think andre is the one who didnt fight and the other son fought him

they have a meal and the ode chicke is andres mom and comforts him and she sez Taras Bulba is gonna go to war witrh tartars and poles

andre goes to the meal and dad sez to be with men and get a saber and horse and they are going to the cossack hq 

they dance and drink and party and dad wants to know tthey speak latin in the acedemy and lift is the best school of all and you dont need b0ooks or school to learn

tthen mocks his sn for learning and the anmdre busts a wood thing and tells off dad for being an a55

they bust more things for no reason as they are devolved and drunk and get ready to attack Krakow

Taras Bulba drinks more vodka and busts the cup then blacks ouut

I think I see why we Poles look down on those uikranians the way the breittish look down on Us Americans

andre is comforted by his mom for not being violent and tells him to be kind to his wife when he gets 1

the gf from Poland refuses the kings cousin who wants to marry him but her dad sez she has to

Also Pole dad seez her wearing an orthadox cross from andre and worries she'd be excommunicaTED

I guess they were more strict about doing eviil back then, candyta55 trudeau and back door biden weren't excommunicated and they support all kinds of sin and evil

pole dad is p-ssed she was dating a cossack and storms out

then comes back with a huge claymore blade and swings it down, sliving her in half!

jk

to the rebels of tarttars and cosacks and 1 othere come to the pole dad i think and offer him tribute

the tartars offers jewels and the cercasians (*not sure how its spelled) brings slave women but the cossacks say they bring no offering and wanna fight off da Poles

then they leave as the Poles aren't bad guys who put heads on stakes like soviet englAND IN the 1800s

so at da cossack hq Taras Bulba comes by with his sons and this guy sounds ret-rced when he greets Taras Bulba but doesnt after thatr

the cossacvks are still fightriung da tartars and we get the slavic dance and 1 chick dressed in a bikini top and long skirt like a ukranian hawaian

1 cossack is beiing whipped for stealing and gets 10 lashes

better than 6 months in jail beiung butt hammered by aids filled junkies

Taras Bulba gets to whip him but he lets his son do it, bvut son dont consent to it so dad b--ches at him fior bnnot being a f==kin xsadist!

tthe bikini chick stands in front of the whipped guy after Taras Bulba whiped him a bit and does a sexy dance

is she a gypsy?

wait, its the otrher son wjowas gonna whip and he takes off his coat and hat and goes to b0ne her

nah he does some slavic dance with squats and jumps and spins

other son chats with bikini girl and is psurprised there and babes there and tries to b0ne her bjt she gets out of there

i assume shes a h00ker

Taras Bulba b--ches at andreas for not whipping a man and he must "leartn our ways"

the bikini girl runs but other son chases her and this is starting to get svu

thety grapple and fall to da ground and i thinkm they b0ne

you dont know how many men she had b4 u, you might get castlevania aids

meanwhile  Taras Bulba meets his homie in a big a55 soviet hat and Taras Bulba shows him anfdre and sez his other son is with a girl

homie dont wanna fight against the tartars and poles as they signed an oath not to fight on the Bible

Taras Bulba whines about how not beiung violent makes emn like women, which is not what Jesus taught, and homie sez they can't break their word

Also what about Optimus Prime? He was strong but gentle ands cared, but still kicked a55

Homie sez Taras Bulba didnmt pay his taxes to the king, which Jesus said "Give what is caesars to caesar"

Taras Bulba whines that his kind need to fight as its in their dna to fight like the Zentraedi in Robotech

homie doesnt consent to joining in the war, like Portugal in WW1

other son is gonna go and bikini girl dont want him to go as she likes b0ning him and threy b0ne again

man these ukranians are lusty

so i think the pole dad is gonna arrange something with the rebvels and wait thats not pole dad

Taras Bulba and his droogs drink as they are addicted and whines about da polz taking over

also he smokes a twisted pipe as 1 vice isnt enuff and he fears the poles will attack, ice their kids and enmslave the women

so like the ottoman turks?

Taras Bulba donmt wanna listenb to the leadewr called crotchavoy and 1 guy sez to replace him

then fighters break intoi da camp and attackl and we getta sqordfight

so i think andre is captured and knocked out and taken off in a wood cart 

the next day Taras Bulba sez das tartars attacked and the leader is cr-ppy and blames it on da poles for being behind it

sounds like modern day conspiracy things

so then theres fire and people riunning around and then in this dark area a guy complains of his men not catching Taras Bulba

i think its the pole dad

also they present to pole dad andreas whos Taras Bulba jr and pole dad recognizes him from the academy

so Taras Bulba might attack aND THE POLES MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MEN TO HOLD EM OFF

f u caps lockl you limp d0ng candy a55 c=ck sucker aids bag

so gf wants to see andreas but her maid or slave or w/e sez pole dad might ice him so maid goes instead

so Taras Bulba  meets a guy wjho sent the attack, but dont know it, and sez if he pulls back the pole king will spare his son

Taras Bulba dont let that get in his geee haaaad and sez if andrae is harmed, he'd murder everyone,. then prays after the sender goes off

at night, other son sez da poles are attacking and wakes up his dad and when the poles get there, the camp is empty

Then the cossacks attack and its kinda dark as I guess they filmed at night

So the maid i think goes to da jail and offers a prisoner adrink and i think a ring to help andraes and he gives andrrae the drink

is it a healing thing like with Hinata giving Naruto the medicine?

so andrae is told the thing was sent by gf and they are perisoners of poland and he wants to end it

but then thinks dad will save them

gf asks a guy to save andrae but he sez he cant as its treason and wait i think its the kings cousin

Long ago, my Slovenian grandma told my dad notto marry a ukrainan as she knew 2 Slovenians who did and suicided

Also Slovenia has a higher suicide rate than Japan!!

We're like 4th in the world and Japan in 11

Its like when the gaijin kid does wortse in gym than the fat kid! it breaks expectations, in the woprst way!

so then in the polish fortress, the enemy is comming and is lead by Taras Bulba

They don't have enough troops and pole dad places the trpoops but others suggest a group outside the gates

so afdter a long thing of pieces being placed on the board, pole dad yells to Taras Bulba  to turn back and if they don't, he'd string up his son

for some reason, the poles put andrae on a horse and tued his arms behind him, but didn't tie the horse, so he used his legs and made the horse run

its like when my blonde polish canadiasn aunt called tech support cuz her wireless printer didnt work, as she diudnt plug it in, vz its wireless

now i never saw this b4, but if i know russiuan novels, its gonna end with someone suiciding

so andraeas gets to his dads side and they attack with their mongoloid hordes heading for the noble blonde poles

they actually got mdozens to hundreds of horders for this batytleand films in a big empty wasteland

now it would all be cgi

so theres a big epic lord of the rings battle of guys on horses fighting with blades, but not beyblades, cuz those can bust stone and steel

imagine spinning a beyblade through a guy and its guts spill out?

So the revbels break through the 1st line and face a phallanxand archers but deal with em

soo Taras Bulba and another cossack hug and kiss on the mouth, but not in a gay way, they are just european

the poles have only 10 days of food and need reinforcements so pole king sends a runner

then its night and Taras Bulba  wants his son to celkebrate them busting da polz but he senses andrae is dhiding something

he figgerz its a girl and he tells him to marry in his own race and faith as its better than being a traiotor

as for me; o'm polish/.slovenian, so i disagrtee

i would never want my son dating outside his race. no goblins. no orcs. or hobbits. elves i can tolerate though.

so as the supplies are limited, 1 guy in jail bites it from no water

pole dad sez they are getting no trioops and are gonna start peace talks

pole dad dont want em in da city and 1 advisor sez to fight as they cant trust the cossacks

1 guy sez not to saurrender as it makes em seem weak but he dont wanna sacrifice da city for honor

a wise man knows when hes had enough

so da polz sendguys with the cities gold and asks for mercy

Taras Bulba wants the pole dads daiughter to sell at the slave market in constantinople and when da pole dont consent, he sez he'd take em himself

man this guys an animal!no wonder the poles hate them!

so Taras Bulba  is the bad guy right?

so pole dad is p-ssed at this and is gonna go out fighting so his daughtr wont be b0ned by really ugly guys  forever

daughter hears this and chooses to go out as a human sacrifice to save the city

the people try to get her not to but she ignores them

is this like a tale of 2 cities where the guys gets it to save the thing?

So the bsad guys get the chick but andrae takes her and returns to da castl;e as he's civilized and likes her

Taras Bulba  yells at him and disowns him for "ruining da familys good name"

sez the guy who wanted to steal and sell an innocent girl into slavery

this is like in the sound of music where george baily or w/e the dad was tells the chicks nazi bf; you'll never be one of them

so now hes ghonna end his son likew he's lee marvis or c;liunt eastwood and attacks da pole base

so da cossacks get in and torch da place and the chick gets an arrow in the back and bites it

i didnt expect a happy ending as this is a russian nocvel

so andrae makes out with her body and is bummed and looss on AT THE EVIL HIS people do

he wipes hjis tears and his body starts to glow blue, then his ki starts pilsating and he unleashes his emotions he kept bottled up for years and obliterates the area and all in it with 1 burst of ki

jk really he fights violentlyy and takes out his former men

the pole dad calls a truce andf Taras Bulba  readys his bow but other son sez no and he stops, then snipers andrae

he bitews it on pole chicks body and Taras Bulba Taras Bulba walks up to em and crys for his vioctim asking his god to forgiver him

then takes the body back and i think might eat it as considering the evil he's done, i wouldn't putr it past him

i'm surprized he doesnt comit seppuku

so he sez he murdered him cuz he loved him, which is NOT love

Is this like Yugioh GX how Yubel sees love as suffering and if you hurt someopne its a way of showing love?

freekion ukranians!

the end

that was a well done movie

like clockwork orange; the main guy is the bad guy

see also lon chaney

its a good 60s film with that classic style and feel

the dubbing is sorta like the transformers the headmasters dub in voices but works

the action is well done and even though the lioghting is rough in some scenes, its not awful

good themers of civiloized vs violent and it ends on a kinda go nagai or gendam feel

while the cossacks have some legit issues like how the colonies didnt like england in 1776 or thre confedertates did in the 1800s, i think theit evil outshines their good intentions

also the whole; kills a fam member for betraying thje famioly" was used in Urban Dogs Vs Urban Dawgs

its a good movie and showsa what the Poles had to put up with

My polish grandma likedthe tony curtis/yul brynner one but i found this free on youtube and its closesr to the book

For Taras Bulba The Cossack 2 I want him to have been beaten by the reinforced Poles but found a cursed place of daemons and makes a pacxt with them for power, then is devolved into a musk ox monster and he single handedly takjes on the poles, but a polish muscle man with a holy hammer challenges him and beats him in battle, so he goes back to the daemnons and gets devoilved into a different creature and tries again, and again, and again with duifferent foirmes, also its a 32/64 bit 3d fighter oin Sega Saturn, N64, Playstation and 3D0 where you play as the Pole or several made for game characters , or one of the formes of the Taras Bulba and fiught through a chain of bayylkes, also the final boss is the daemon that devolved him and its a  gortesque mound of flesh and bones and teeth and eyes and limbs and lips and feathers and fur and sclaes and fish tails and tentacles.