Monday, July 27, 2020

Red Dawn Review

Note; commies hate my spelling cuz its super american!

red dawn

this is my review on red dawn from 1984

its ditected by joghn millius and stars [patrick swayze, c thomas howel; lea thompson, charlie sheen, jennifer greey and powers boothe and harry ean stanton (maxfield stanton?!)

it was  remade later and i never saw that but heard it was a55

i saw this b4 but that was years ago

this was banned in soviet finland and was 18= in west germany and spain

buncha candya55es

it starts with text saying the countries are falling to communism and America stands alone

i guess canada queered out too

then ominous yet inspiring music as we see clouds and credits

then a peaceful look at small town america, sorta like in the fist of the north star movie with b4 the nucular holocost

teens go to school to learn history and military facts instead of gender cr-p and, oh its ghengis khan stuff

i'm surptized thr commies havint tried to cancel him

then the commies attack and parachute int the area and waste the teacher who went out to ask whats going on

in the chaos some teens escaper

commies attcking kids in school? its like a metaphor for today!

so the teens escape out the outlands and get supplies from one of their dads who tells em not to come back

i think the lion king ripped that off(but what didnt it rip off?!)

they get attacked by commies but a chopper of Amerian Virtue saves em

they fixx the car by whizzing in the radiator

so next day the teens hide in the hills and this is starting to seem like Robotech Season 3 where The Invid tok over earth and a group of heroes fight to savve it

some wanna surrender to da commies but 1 stands up to him

this seems to have been ripped off by the matrix how either you live under communism, or fight it from the wilds

but what Didnt it rip off?!

so thw wieners decide to stay and they figger they can stay up by fishing and hunting

oh and the soviets use a  list of gun purchases to see who has any firearmd so they know who to go after

so the guys bag a deer and drink its warm thick blood

later they go back to town and a cick at a store sz the commies know who they are and sent americans to reeducation camps for sensitivity training

the teensd go there and a man getz their dad who  sez he was tough on em to make em strong and theyhave a tender moment and as they go he yells to AVENGE hiim

then they meet a guy who sez they in ocupied territory asnd its ww3

if only we sided with zee kaiser

also the commies are icing people and blaming the teens and 1 guys dad goyt capped for siding wth america

also he has his grand daughters hidden here after dda commies tried to b0ne em

in ww2, when the soviets attacked germany, they raeped as many chicks as they could

thanks f d r

good of you to side with the greater of 2 evils

later some commies are taking photoes an encounteer the teens who runbut counterstrike and take em out

once a guy asked a Polish hero: What's it like to kill a human? and the Pole replied: I don'tt know, I only killed commies!

later the teens bicker from stress and the chicks get b--chy

the commies know of the teens andinteriew one of their dads who sez his son is a wiener

how modern; faking being a candya55 to avoid offending commies

the commies then shred americans with gunfire for not being soviets

so tthen the teens use as trap where the chick goes out, the soviets try to b0ne her, she runs, and the teens jump out and shred em

then a monttage of the teens taking out commies

the teens call themselves the wolerines after their school mascot

imagine if this made them go furry

later this chick comes by and joins em and they meet an army guy from the U S Forces

wait, i think the chick was 1  of the teens whho found him

so its revealed the commies got in and f'd the fores, then cities got nuked

also most of canada was taken over but thats not much different than it is now

but now with the commies in america, the good guys cant nuke em as its on their turf

sonow its winter andthe wolverines plan an attack

huh, real woklverines are scavengers

did marvel know? does logan eat corpses?

i had anidea where in the 1st  men movie where rogue is hungry, if wolverine slices off part of his arm and lets her eat it

it grows back so theres no reason he couldnt

so after more attacks its spring i think and the battle coontinues

wwait i think its still wiinter and am american fighter comes by and attacks

nowadays they'd make this look bad as its "attacking its own guys"

but they aint americans! they commies! enemy's of the peoplee!

then a tank comes by annd fires into the distance as they are right under it

1 guy goes up to it and shoots iinto it asv another tank fires on em

1 guy gets it and so does another

i think its the aemy guy who looks kinda like johnathan wiolfe from robotech

the the tank ggets hit and  blowws by another tank and the wolverines escape

later the commies are marching down the steet to commie music like its a commie pride parade and ten have a meeting about what to do about da wolverinees

so after a firefight, they capture a commie and they find out one of them was caught and forced him to swallow a tracking device after probably b0ning him a lot

turns out his dad turned him in

so they execute him for helping the enemy

they also waste the caught commie

latere they are in the hills and a chopper comes at em and picks a chick off

remember in the sega rambo game where you use a bow to take out a chopper?

i never played it but saw clips online

so 1 guy usess a rocket launcher and nails  it so it fleas

but another comees and shreds him

so later the chick is damaged and wants a guy to finish her so she's not b0ned dead by commies

so he gives her a grenade and she lays there to listen to the wind

so the teens regroup and there aint much left and they consider returning to the mountains

so the brother teens attack the commie base and f em up hard

1 bro gets capped and i think him takes out the leader but is capped cuz he said "you lose" and waited for him to turn around like a dumba55 instead of taking his head off from behind like a ninja

so 1 bro takes capped bro out and he bites it as they sit on a bench in the night

so later the surviving teens look at the town and then 1 narrates how the teens fighting made a difference

then we see a plaque in honor of the wolverines and the movie ends with credit showing who played who with images

the end

that was well done

good action

doesnt drag

good acting and messages against commies that still hold up

i didnt see much wrong with it and its goes into the ation pretty quick and keeps it up

good srs drame without being sappy or cr-ppy and its based on stuff that happened in ww2 and otehr comie things

i liked it and it was actually the 1st pg13 movie

heh, imagine a p0rn0 version called red d0ng where the viet kong take over anf start b0ning everyone?

for red dawn 2 i want it to be the 90s and the war continues. japan has teamed up with america to give them eosuits to fight the commies better and having mcrowave canons that cook them til they burst. also thr commies have a few prototypes of them made by reverse engeneering it. The americans fight and strike their plants to make em and the cities are burned out shells and the areas are wastelands and often on fire. also its a 16 bit action game like phantom 2040 in sega genesis, snes, gba, atari jaguar and tg16 where you play through levels taking out commies and their prototype mechs and half commie half dog hybrids made by a genetic program.

Sunday, July 26, 2020

All Quiet On The Western Front Review

Note: My Spelling works if you aren't englih

All Quiet On The Western Front

This is my werivr on all quiet on the western front from 1930

Its based on a bok I never read and stars  Looouis Wolheim, Lew Ayres, and no one else I know

Its directed by Lewis Milestone who did 2 Abraibin Knights, The Racket, Of Mice and Men and The North Star (Which were good)

It was  banned by the Nazies as it made them feel uncomfortable and they felt it made them look bad

kinda like the left banning Confederate things

I saw this years ago I think and recall the ending but no too much else

My great Grandpa's fought for Austria in WW1 as Slovenia was part of it then

so after opening credits like a  silent film, we get text saying it this story lays no blame but shows how bad war is

so these teens are in school in pre soviet germany and the teacher is telling them to have pride in their nation and to defend their homes and land

the teens wanna go to war and defend their holmes and enlist all cheerful and peppy

at the academy ot w/e they train they wanna get guns as they are very american for being germanios and their homie is now a high rank guy ho's strict

waint, he was their postman

after a bada55 speech about making em into soldiers, they get into mud training

after more yellling an training, they play a prak where they trip the postman and tie him up in a blanket at night and dmp him in da mud

lter we see soome guys in combat and1 of em gets it

oh i think its da class

later they are in a busted raileay station and its gott low supplies and kinda s-cked

soo eventually they go off and there's shells falling at times and 1 guy tells of the types of shells

later they are putting up barb wire and the enemy atacks

are tthey fighting tthe brit or the russianns?

too bad America didn't side with Zee Kaizer

wouldd've prevented ww2 and the royall wedding

so 1  guy's eyes get f'd out and he spazzes out and diess

the guy who brought him back is told not to save his homies

so later they are in  a room as shelling goes on and playing cards

the iced guys homie is bbummed as iced guy didnt even wanna go to war

1 guy snaps and starts screaming and a shell lands near and they all freak out

so the commanderr slaps the freaked guy back to his senses

after more shelling the guys wanna go out and fight

later they are in the trenches and its day out and shells fall for a whhle

is this why most old peope are deaf in the 90s?

a frenchie once said about ww1; the cannons, like phallllus's, impregnante the earth! war is like making love!!

so the enemy attacks and the kaiser knuckles shred em with machineguns as they advance

oh and this is in proper fullscreen without black bars eating half the screen

some enemy soldiers get by and its a hard fight

bayonettes shanking, fists nailing, violence3

seeing how chipper they were at the start and how hard it is now reminds me of robotech season 2 how Dana Sterling was a bubbly cheerful blonde in the 1st ep but by the end was bummed and burned out

so after holding off the brits orr frenchies or w/ee the bad guy is here, they eat as shelling and gunfire continue

later they are eating and talk about how wars start and why to fight

1 guy suggests to solve wars by having the leaders fight in a field

later they visit a guy in the hospital who's watch got jacked and his leg was removed

the frieds ask if they an have his boots as he's only got 1 leg now as its better than some orderly getting em

you really feel for this guy. he's not evil, guys busted

better than most ww1films about the evil germans and the innocent frenchies and brits

so a gy prays for his crippled friend whp ofgers his boots and starts spazzing out

when a gy goes to get a dr, the dr/s are burned out

latr the guy brings the boots and tells the crew he saw amputee bite it andhow he appreciates life more

then its backk to the front and later they count that outta 20 in their class, most bit i, got capped or went nuts

they they go into battle and with shelling and enemy briits its h-ll

1 guy fakes being a brit with a brit helmet and winds up in a crator and trys helping a wounded enemy soldiet

if this were brits, then he'd bbe sold into slavery for helping the enemy

look at captain blood

so in anger he yells at the brit to bite it but regrets it andsez sorry

he sez sorry aboit capping him and hoe if it weren't for their uniformes, they could be brothers andhe wants to write to the guys wife

later i think the brit bit it and is back on his side and 1 giy is taking ouut enemy brits

so later they are back in town and are swimming naked and some german chicks come buy, wait, they're french! ewwwwwww!!

despite their disability of being french, the heroes flirt with em bit the chicks walk on

1 guy speaaks the demon tongue of their languageand the frenchies are more into em, but a guy tells em to stay away

there's more human guys than french girls so the guy who spoke the unholy language sez he wants the blonde and go to their place and b0ne offscreen

wtf this was rated 166+ in soviet finland,netherlands and norway and was 12= in germany and iceland

soo 1 guy sez to the french bimbo he just b0ned that he wont see her again but she only speaks her demon talk annd can't understand

so they gio off to fight again and 1 guy gets f'd in the side

in the hospital he's with guys and 1 has a head damage and a note saaying he's not responsible for his actions

imagine him j-rkin off on the walls and smearing it around

brain dammage sezif you go some place in here you never some back

later hes having a leak in his wound and eventually gets help

good camera work in here with the occasiaonal movement andzooms

1 guy is later taken away saying he'd be back

later he come back and is happy to be back

later he retuens home and sees his mom

later he's in a bar with some geezers and talk about the war

later he goes back to his classroom and his teacher who got him to go to war is elling a new group of kids how great it is to serve

he dont wanna tell the class his war experiences and teaccher gets him tomtell them  and he just se sometimes wee get it

then he tells teacher how its not great to be iced in war but the students  call him a candya55

then he god  on about how atleast in the front ur either dead ow alive and you cant fake it

regrettiing going on leave here he goes  home and  later his mommy comforts him in bed

having issues from the war he is feeling bummed about things and wishes he could lay in her lap and cry like a kid

later at a place, he talks with a guy and its revealed there may be a end to the war

he gors out to find some guy he knows and an enemy attack blows a area near him

they talk and he sez its not home back there annymore and they wanna go to  soviet paris where they have white brread planes, talks and better cr-p

then a plane drops a thing on em and cripples the guy he's with

he carrys the guy and the plane keeps dropping cr-ps on em and he reminices on his early days

by the time he gets the guy over he's bit it and he goes on

later in the trenches he sees a butterfly and goes out to getit  and gets capped by a  lusty frenchie sniper

J FK'd!!

then we see soldiers marching off into eternity in an overlay over i think a graveyard

the end

that as powerful

its not fun or cheerful

but it shouldn't be

its a gritty srs look at ww1 and shows how bad things could get

after the war in sloveniaa, things  were bad and my family had it rough for a while

i hipe never to go to war but i have respect for those who serve

its becasue of them we are still here and free for now

this was kinda somber but not deprtessing

it was dark withough being dark looking

i liked it and can see why it was praised

glad i watched it

its needed today too with various issues going n now like the 3rd world rising

sorta like Go Nagai's Devilman Manga about being an anti war novel showing how bad it can get

for All Quiet On The Western Front 2 i wwant it to be the 20s and the frnech and brits have taken over germany and have enslaved the people. forcing them to watch propaganda on how they caused the war and deserved the damage they took. but a group of war survivors who have national pride start a rsistance to fight their oppressors and launch attacks on the leaders of the occupying forces and train in Japanese Martial Arts and use Ki blasts to hit gguys without making physical contact. Its also an 8 bit Nes, Gameboy, Master System, Game Gear, TG16, Atari 7800 and Lynx game where you play as one of several bada55 warriors and do missions to take on the occupiers bases and use ki atttacks to take em on to free your homeland.

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

The Wonderful Country Review

Notte: I spell anti wonderful

tthe wondderful country

this is my review on the wonderful country  from the distant future year of 1959

its based on a book i never rread and stars robert mitchum and no one elaae i know of

its directed by Robert Parrish who did Casino Royale, Fire Down Below and The Sanfransicko Story(which i saw none of)

i never saw this b4 but saw it was on and ffelt i'd  do it

so after the MGM logo and colored credits o a widescreen thing of the wastelands, wait i think itss fullscree, these mexicans are going by the rio grand

this agent mexicam comes by to bring the caet they are taking the the mexicans dont trust him

i think the agent is mitchum

so the meecicanis go to this town, wait, i think mitchum is the head of the mexicanss bringing the cart

in down mitchums horse f's out and he fallls and busts his leg

he;s in Texas i think and the heroic americans help him and say he stinks as he'ss been riding 26 days

the dr fix's his ff'd leg and say he's gonna be here a few months

mitchum sez he rides foor the castro bros (Like Justin Trudeau's dad and uncle?) and his cart is with some guys by the river and was bringing guns

so mitchum is really an american but works in sooviet mexico andthis army guy wants to help him

later they give mitchum a bath as hhe''s got the body odor andd give him a haircut and new clothes so he don't look like a Fist of the North Star guy

hhe then goes to the army hospitall on crutches to see the major (amrymy guy from b4) and this chick is there he;s probably gonna fall in love wiith

ohhh, she's mrs major

they talk and mitchum sez hes from misori but lives in soviet mexico

she's  kinda buummeed over havving to move often for her husbands workk

mitchum chsats with majorr about how as he works for the castroes, he's seen things and gets info ffrom mitchum aboyt them

major wants to use mitchum to team up with the castroes to stop the apaches

but mitchum sez the castores let the apache's hide on their lands and major se he needs to do soomething to make it worth the castroes while

nowadays, the apache's woyuld be the oppressed heroes and the gov would be the bad guys

what next? a 1776 movuie with the brits as the heroes?

so later, while drinking with the guys, mitchum se the castores will f over the apaches for cash

what are they? blizzard/disney?

a guy talks to mitchum about how mitchums dad fought with him and got iced years ago but the icer got iced

and he thinks mitchum iced him as a kid

and he wants mitchum to join the texas rangers (like chuck norris??)

then mitchum finds the wagon and guns vanished and thr castores blame hhim and dont care he broke his leg and want him to return

mitchum dont consent but the castro worker se he blongs to the castores and mexico owns him

is this a thing on unions?

huh, this didn't do well at the box oriface

so mitchiim goes to the saloon and meets major bedhead and his woman and chats with texas rangers guy

mitchum tells chick  that hes thinkin of staying in townn and that she dont like her husband

she denies this and lathen one of mitchums friends getts in a fight with guys who talked sh-t about mitchum and gets wacked

mitchum caps the guy and its a big deal

mitchum puts the gun inside his mouth and says "one way out" before blowing his head off like in species 2

jk he reeally wanders off into the water  and oh its across the rio grand and talks with some shadowed over mexicoes who say they got some issues with uprisings or soomething

he sez he left his horse behind and needs it back and they want him to deliver a message to the super castro bros

good lighting and shade

it seems kinds evil

so mmitchum rides through the wastelands , ohhh, i just got it! the river crossing is the crossing the rubicon!

and mitchum is in some mexico town and meets his meixcino freind who's not sergetnt in food and drink

and one of the castores is the governer

so mitchum goes to see the super castro bros and they wanna know where the guns are

mitchum givs them the letter and they wanna now about the offer to fight this mexican gguy by the americans

mitchum tells em of the stuf in that toen that helped him and is told to tell the governer castro bro about the guns

so he goers to see governer castroo who sez worries his bro is gonna try to starscream him

mitchum needs a note and cash but gov dont wanna

also gov bashes mitchhum for looking texan

what is he? a soviet californian?!

so mitchum chats with a guy and its some kinda Saint Day or something and they have fireworks and weird a55 mexican rituals

btw this is set in the 80s, the 1880s!

wtf, major and wife are there

did he go back to confederate texas??

so mitchum chats with wfe about how hes got a 200$ bounty on him for cappin dat dreg and how hes not complete w/o his gun

i think they b0ned offscreen but i'm not sure

later mitchim meets gov castro who sez his bro wants to ice him and is malcontent being general of da army and ants miychum to waste him

mitchum dont consent and gov sez he owes them for the guns he lost and if he leaves w.o paying his debts he can be iced

thats mexico

0 huan rights

mitchum walks outand gov castro sends his goons after him

later he's staying with this mexican dad and hs teen daughter and apache's are near by

mitchum and the mexicoes fid some dead soldiers anndthey meet a black guy in the texas rangers or army or w/e

oh and its not the apache cheif they wanted the castroes to fight, but a new guy

he leads em to the campand major is there who sez he has a meeting with captain rucker of mexico forces

so mitchum leads a party to bring major to it

as they get near, major f's out and the wagon is surrounded by apaches

btw, the director also did Cry Danger which I hear is good

the army attacks and mitchum takes out thw wagon driver annd it crashes

they took out the new cheif and in da vagon eee american guns

i think its the ones mitchum was meant to deliver

major bites it and sez togive his woman his ring

he does and she sez if he wants her, to get her

wtf this was rated 12+ is brazil, france, germany, japan, portugal, south korea and west germany and 16+ in finand and norway

candy a55 countries

so mitchum returns da rifles to other brother who sez gov is iced and he wants the army guys outta his counttry and to give up mitchum

1 armny guy sez hes got a  witness revealing that the guy mitchu capped drew 1st and he'd stick up for mitchum as its self defence and there should be no punishment for defending yourself from a maniacc

so mitchum returns to da town butgunmen attack and he caps the gunman

his horse got cappped so he ggives it a 45 calibur lobotomy, puts down his gun and black hat, andcrosses the rio ggrand to be with the chick

the end

that was pretty good

nice story, good twists, good hints of the bigger piccture of the castroes and army as the main charactors are the focus of it

good filming andstyle and showing how mexicio hates america

nowadays the mexicoes would be the good guys and america would be the villian

but in the 50s we knew right

its a well done western and  has good work on it

for the wonderful country 2 i want the castro bro whho took out the gov bro to be oppressing his people and running his country into the ground to the point of people resorting to cannibalism. seeing a chance to help the worldd, america prepares a mission to take him out and set up aa free gov that it would lead the peeople by. its the 1890s andmitchum is married to the chick andshe's gotten really fat from several pregnancies in a row. the gun knows he's the best man for the job as he knows the way and secreets and area and people. he goes in with a crack team of assassins, including a ninja and a witch doctor, each with their own abilities, and  sneak through it with devices made by thomas edison to give them the edge. its also a 64 bit ds and psp game where you play as the team and swiitch characters to use their abilities to get past certain areas and the head castro bro has been practicing the black arts and now can devolve into a big chupacabra like abomination as the game boss.

Saturday, July 18, 2020

Gods And Monsters Review

Note; I spell monstrous

gods and monsters

this is my review on gofd and monsters from the distant future year od 1998(tje year the global civil war happened in robotech)

its got brendon fraiser and no one ielae ii know

its based on a ture story and is directed by bill coondon who did the cr-ppy beauty and the beast remake, a few twilight movies (gay!!!) and Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh

so it sttarts with a guy going somewhere in a car over credits and wtf ian mckellen from x men is in this

so ian is jimmy whale,who has viet nam flashnacks looking at brendon working in the garden andchats with him aboutbrendo''s marines tattoo and gives consent to use the pool

then he goes to this room and has a flashback, before meetiiing a fan of his 30s movies who's kinda pbnoious

he then tells his story of his life and how his fam was in the church and has a vietnam flashback

after the war he got into play design sets and after journey's end, he got to holly would and gets triggered by the guy asking about his horror movies

jimmy sez each question he answers will make interviewer removie 1 piece of clothing

he gos on about how it dont matter who you b00ne as long as you keepo it outta the papers and george cukor was inot boys

eventually interviewer is down to his undies and they talk about Frankenstrein

as jimmy reaches for his dropped cigarhe spazzes out and needs his maid/nurse.slave to give him his pills

interviewer says he was gonna go swimming to cover being in his undies andn goes home b4 james b0nes him

fter soem viet ww1 flashbacks, a dr chex him oot and sezz he hasd a minor stroke

he's been having racing thoughts and phantom smells and i think hes got a daemon!!

so after a phantasy of taking a handfull of pills to go straight to h-ll, he goes back to watching brendon fraiser and invites hom in for iced tea

btw i should point out that the real brendon fraoser was f';d by a creepy gay hollywood producer and it f'd his career so this movie is kinda weird for that

brendon finds out ian was famous but and liked the frakendstien movies and jimmy sez hes got a nice head

head ffetish!!

like foot fetish but the other end!!

he wantsbrendon tio model for him and will pay him for it and whhen brendon asks if he wanys to draw him nude, ian sez no, just te head

brebdon consents (nooooooooooooooooooo!!) andlater in the library chex out papers on jimmy whale

when he retirns forr the picture the nurse/maid/slave  asks if hes gonna hurt jimmty

iaN OFFERS jmmy i meean brendon drinks and brendon sez they showing bride od frankenschwartz tonight

for the drawing, jimmy sez brendons shirt is too white and he has brendon take it off

brendon!! get outta there!!! now!!!!!

they talk about their lives and backstrpiyes and jimmy ssez"every englishmen knows his place annd if you forgot,  there was someone to remind you'

jhow unamerican

in america, anyone can do anything!

ben carson grew up in the slums and  rose to be a chids saving brain surgeon and nearly presadent

in soviet englaand and soviet india, your poaition is assigned from birth

like krypton in Man of Steel

so jimmy goes on about not fitting in and his life s-cked and  kinda spazzes out

later at a bar, brendon chats with the guys and a chick thinks jimmy is queer and ttug to b0ne him

they wwatch a jjames whale movie and i think its bride of freakenstein and 1  guy on there says gods and monsters

btw this movie is super widescreen and they cropped the 30s film

at da barthe chick dont get it and jimmy and nurse watch it on tv at home

also they inmp0y the movie is into naeecrophilia

not that theres anything wrong with that

its natural

animals do it

some are necro and some are bio

then flashy back to making the bride and thwy talk about how the dr's were queer for dressing and doing the hair of da bride

then berndon breaks up woth his gf and jimmy has flashbacks to i mrean dreams of brendon making him as the monster

later btrendo coomes by and nurse says he needs a woman and brendon jokes shes  coming on to him

maiid was maarried but her man bit it (maybe in ww2?) and shes ot kids and grand ki8fs and she warns brendon of the sins of jimmy and eventually says hes indo sodomy

then jimmy is reading mail annd  b--ching amndbrendon drinks some hopefully not drugged booze

they talk about watchingthe movie and jimmy sez it was mrant to be funny

jimmy asks brendon if he iced anyone in soviet korea andd brendon isnt big on tallking of it

jimmy invittes him to do another picture but brendon dont consent

so they have a smoke and brendo asks if ian is gay for him and ian sez no

they talk about brendos life and girl stuff and then lets iandraw him

he sez he stopped making films cuz he wanted to be free and how he wanted to make a ssrs ww1 film but the studion f;d it

jimmy goes on about the men he b0ned and brendon has enough and leaves

i think jimmy is trying to turn him

then ian has a flashmach of a guy diving into his pool in small undies

oh f i think theres nake d men!!

its like a greek art exhibit!

so later brendon returns and sez i'll sit for u if you stop the locker room talk

ian talks about brendons fear and brendon sez its disgust and ian sez its the same thing

is that why they have people eating buffalo testickles and pig uterus on fear factor?

jimmy talks about his ww1 days and how his butt buddy was this innocent kid nd then ets emotional about it and mad at brendon for his flashbacks

then he kinda has a minor spazz and brendon tells him off for being weird

jimmy invirtees brendo to a reception for princess mags of soviet england

after a ww1 flashbek,jimmy and brendo drive to this place and oh its george cukors place

mags wants to have jimmy draw her but thinks hes cecil beaton

at the parrty he meets the interviewer who now works for george cukor and is probably being butt hammered by him

he reunites with the chick from the bride of frankeinsiten and brois karloff

they take a photoe and the camera flash gives him ww1 flashbackls

so it rains and jimmy sez; lets get out of this f--khole and they go home

so they go home and they talk about war and sh-t and how the guy heliked got shredded by gufire and was stuck on barbed wire and they just left him and joked about it

wow, england is evil

we shouldve sided with zee kaizer

so jimmy's drawings s-ck now and brendo gets naked for jimmy to draw (but we dont see his footlong)

to satisfy his fetish, jimmy has brando wear a ww1 gas mask and b4 he takes it off, ian starts feeling him up and kissing his body

they he tries to b0ne him and brendon fights him off and kciks his a55

then he se he wwants brtandon to ice him but brendon se I AM NOT YOUR MONSTER and releaseds him from his kung fu grip

jimmy asks for forgiveness and has brendon help him get dressed

i mwan undressed

he puts jimmy to bed and jjimmy dreamsof his ww1 butt buddy in the fields of corpses and eait hes with brendon

jimmy lies down with hisiced homies and da next day brendo wakes up in jimmys place and finds jimmy floating in da pool like rodney king

he pulls him out but jimmy is alread in h e double england

nerse finds a suicide note and she smooches his corpse on da llips

nurse sez brendo has to book it b4 da cops show up and they put him back in da pool so they wont know btendom was there

i shoulve called him fraise like the cheers giy

then we see brendos son watchingbride of frankenstein with brendon and after its over he sez he knew the director

fraiser shows his son apicture drawn by jimmy and as he takes out da trash it rainds ad he acts like da monster

then credits like in a 30s film

the end

that was pretty good

nie 90s feel and good story

kinda dark but well made and had good effort put in

kinda creepy how the real fraiser was f'd by a soviet hollywood guy

i'm into biopix and this one was well made

oh and this is not the movie gods and generals, kinda like how malcom x is not related to jason x

for gods and monsters 2 i want the kid of brendon fraiser to be into james whale and uses a ouija board to contact his ghost. it opens a portal to h-ll and all these dead hollywood purvuets come out and start ghost b0ning everyone. Fraiser, now trained in ghost kungg fu, must fight them off and send them back to h-ll by beating them up enf til they poof into glitter. Its also a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis, snes, gba, tg16 and atari jaguar where you play as brendon fraiser or or wife or both and fight through several hollywood areas in the 70s and both are bg and buff like hollywood hulk hogan.

Tuesday, July 14, 2020

Game Reviews Volume 9 From 2020

Just beat Puyo Pop Fever on DS. Its typical Puyo Puyo where you match 4 or more same colored beans together and try not to run outta space. In story mode you play through various rounds and beat foes who send clear beans to fill up your screen and they are removed by removing beans next to em in a or more combo. It gets pretty hard and after I beat the normal mode I got the credits. Its voiced and has colorful bright graphics and fun music. It reminds me of Super Bomberman R on Nintendo Switch with its style and if you get enough clear, you go into fever mode where you are given a few seconds to cause a chain link in a separate space than the play field. You have until time runs out and the more chain links you do, the more clear beans you send to your foe. It plays well but can get pretty tough at time. Unlimited tries though so just keep at it til you get good or lucky. Good game. Glad I got it.

Just beat Mario Party 3 on N64. Its typical Mario Party fair where you roll dice, go around the board get and use items, try to win the most stars and mini games, and outplay the opponents. In Story Mode you gotta get all the stamps won by doing Battle Royal games which are usual Mario Party stuff, and Duel games where you gotta take out your opponents heart points with partners in front and back to attack and defend when you walk next to each other. Each board is different and you get extra stars after the game for winning most coins in Mini Games, Landing on Green spaces and other things and whoever has the most stars wins. In Duel games you gotta end the game with more remaining Heart Points and the game ends when 1 runs out or 20 turns go by. 1 kick in the crotch is Battle Mini Games where all players pay coins and the winner gets more of em. But most Battle Games are luck based and you just gotta roll dice and hope you live. Its Russian Roulette! Plus some games like Bowser Toss are pretty much impossible but the NPC wins each time. Also is a Shy Guy mini game where you wager ALL your coins and do something dumb like choose a box and hope it don't got Bowser Jr or Roll Dice against him and whoever gets higher wins. Once I did well and got 999 Coins in a Duel game. In the end you fight The Millennium Star (Totally not outta Yugioh) and its pretty bad with it being hard to grab the things you throw at him and the ground goes to water then ice. You get unlimited tries so if someone else wins, you just get another chance. Its not impossible, but some parts are annoying. Good classic N64 graphics and music and the voices are good. Its pretty good and I'm glad I played this but some parts took some time.

Just beat Thor: God of Thunder on DS. Quite grand. Its got great pixel art and looks crisp and clear. Good music and the gameplay is quite grand. 1 button grabs, 1 jumps, 1 attacks and 1 is a ranged attack. R makes you roll and Tapping the screen uses a lightening attack that's a screen nuke like in Contra. You go through several levels and each has a boss that's well made and you get infinite tries and there's regular checkpoints. It even saves your game auto and you can collect runes to equip and add effects like more damage done, less damage taken ect. You get life back from beating guys and magic points that fill the power bar that when full lets you use a lightening nuke. the game is played over both screens like Contra 4 and you can jump and UP to go high and down and attack to slam. Spamming this can loop guys. Also you can use Down and Attack to hammer the foes for a bit of damage that happens rapid. It's not too hard and you can unlock stuff from beating the game like playing as different characters and you can redo levels after beating em. Its a pretty good movie based game and its by WayForward who did Shantae and Wendy Witch on GBC. Its quite good and even though I never saw the movie its based on, I liked it. It stands on its own. Glad i played this.

Just beat Star Fox 64. Pretty good game. Controls work well but my thumb nail kept accidentally hitting the B button and wasting my nukes. Controls were pretty easy to adapt to and its a pretty fair game. On my 1st playthrough I made it to the Real final boss but ran outta guys and lost. I tried again but bit it on the last level. I played one more time and made it to the boss and after several hours beat it. The C buttons do actions like boost and brake. A fired, hold A to charge and fire a homing blast, Bis for nukes, Z and R are bank left/right. Double tapping is a barrel roll. You get a few lives and can get more by beating guys and getting more points. You get more points if you use a charged shot to take out multiple guys. No continues but the True Final Boss has an extra guy on the path to him if you right then left. After beating the final boss you gotta go through a path maze to get out but its a checkpoint after beating the boss., Good graphics and music and there's voices that sound good. After beating a level you go to the next but if you do something special like go through all the hoops or hit all the switches in a path, you can go to another path (Sorta like Shadow the Hedgehog). It can be beat in like an hour but some parts are tough. I like it and had fun playing it but the final true boss is quite tough. Eventually i got through it and it was worth it. Also it starts out on rails but you get a free movement mode to go wherever you need to. Oh and you can get power ups for your laser, more nukes, and silver rings to refill life and gold rings (Not like Sonic) where after getting 3 you get an extended life bar and 3 more gets a free guy. The gold rings, nukes and power ups carry over between levels and biting it lets you keep the gold rings and resets it to 3 nukes. Glad i finally got around to finishing this. I played it with my cousins as a 90s kid.

Just beat Mega Man II on GB. Everyone says its bad. I didn't find it to be. Its got decent controls, its kinda lite on challenge but the final Wily can burn E Tanks. No charge shot but you get the Slide. Its a mix of MM2 and 3 on NES and has an alternate future Mega Man as a boss who just jumps on a Pogo Jack Hammer Stick. The controls are a bit stiff but not much. Everyone hates the music but I thought it wasn't awful. Its not really Mega Man but not horrible. I mean its not super great but its not unplayable. Its better than I expected and a not tough game if you wanna beat something in like an hour. Its got a simple password and unlimited continues that send you back to the start of a level if you use one. Not every game has to be Battletoads and this was a pretty ok one. Glad I played this.

Just beat Wings of Wor on Sega Genesis. Took around 2 hours to get through 6 levels (The last one being a mini boss rush) with 5 continues and up to 5 lives per try. Biting it in 1 hit has you revive right where you fell but with less power and speed. Its a Shmup where you play as this Angel and fight weird H R Giger abominations in caves, under water, factories and a Womb! Good detailed graphics and nice semi classical music that fits and good gritty coloring. A activates a Scroll and C fires it while B is your peashooter. You got 3 types of shot: Red is Spread like Contra, Blue is an around you spread and Yellow is in front and behind(and rare and not so great). Using a continue lets you keep the same shot you had. There's a level select code and holding Left A and C when you run outta guys until the Continue Screen opens lets you continue without using one of your continues. And you'll need em cuz level 5 is the hardest! Its not too hard overall if you use the codes and its pretty cool and creative. Good atmosphere and feels and I got this hearing it was easy. It wasn't but was pretty nice. Glad I played this.

Just beat Batman Returns on my Snes thing. Its a Beat Em Up with you as Batman and Player 2 as No One as Robin wasn't in this movie. 1 button attacks, 1 jumps, 1 uses an Item like Batarangs and 1 uses a limited supply Nuke. L/R is block and its pretty much Final Fight but with some platforming. Some levels are 2D like Altered Beast and you throw Batarangs with Attack. My version was f'd and some levels didn't render right so the Level with the Ice Princess was blocked off with Solid Color. The bosses take some learning but can be beat with practice. You get 3 continues and several lives and biting it in a level lets you continue there but using a Continue goes to the last Checkpoint. In the 2D levels you can usually walk past guys but you get extra guys with enough points. Using a continue or going to the next level resets your Nukes and there's a Batmobile level that's kinda easy. The Catwoman parts are annoying as she has good reach and does high damage.Its pretty good but kinda hard at times but with enough tries it can be beat. Glad I played it. Its a totally different kinda game than the Genesis Ver (Like 89 Batman and The Dark Knight)

Just beat Decap Attack on Genesis. I liked it. Good lite spooky feel like a 90s Halloween special. Remember that Cryptkeepers Haunted House game show? Sorta like that but brighter colors and more cheerful. Good controls but you gotta build momentum sometimes. You can change what button does what and how many hits you can take. You collect coin, potions that have different effects like a screen nuke or longer reach or higher jump or invincibility. But can't use it on bosses for some. I don't know how many continues you get as I never ran outta guys as I was able to get like 40 extra guys in bonus rounds which are the same each time and if you stack your coins in the right path and hammer C as they reach the end, you can get like 15 guys. You an get a skull to throw at guys and it comes back but lost it after taking 1 hit. You beat guys by jumping on them of attacking them with a face in your chest and can't attack while ducking. There's no time limit and just take your time and you can beat it. Also you can get life bar extensions if you find clear hearts. Its not too hard, oh and each level you gotta find a hidden item in an item dropping thing that lets you finish the level, but its not hard to do if you just look. You can wiggle ur feet by tapping jump in the air and it slows your drop. It plays pretty well, even the ice level, but the water controls are a bit off. I liked it and am glad I got it for 21$. I actually got the box for like 10$ but the game inside was sonic 1 so I returned for a Multitap and when the store guy was gonna throw out the box, I got it free. I later ordered the Cartridge for 21$ and finally beat it on my 1st play. This is a good one.

Just beat Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts on GBA. Its pretty tough but has balancing factors. This ver has a save system that you can return to whatever segment of a level you saved at AND keep your armor and weapons. If you take a hit or grab the wrong item: reboot and goo back to the last save! 1 button attacks and 1 jumps and you can swap em in options and you get like 6 continues and 3 lives per each. One hit takes ur armor and an unarmored hit takes a guy. You keep the weapon until you get a new one and can later get a shield that can protect you a bit. get the green armor and ur weapon powers up, then gold armor lets you use magic by holding attack and release, then you get a stronger shield that can take 3 hits instead of 1, them on ur 2nd run you get the goddess attack which is stronger and goes further when in gold armor. Normally you gotta beat the game 2x and use the goddess attack to beat the boss at the end to get the true final boss, but this has an Arrange Mode that lets you do alternate levels. beat it with green armor or higher and you can do a remixed level from past GNG games. Do it with Gold and you can do a hard ver of Super GNG level. Do it worse and you get an easier ver of SGNG. Some weapons are cr-p like the axe but the Knife is the beat one as its super move is a raging dragon attack. Also you can get the goddess attack in the 1st run and don't need to redo the game again. It took me 140 tries to beat the last level with a previous 75 days b4 and only won as I got the 2nd forme boss in a loop. The true final boss I did on 1 try. Oh and there's a time limit. Its hard but not impossible, esp on GBA. Good spooky colorful graphics and organ 16 bit music too. Glad I got this. A worthy Challenge. It beats on you enuff to get you to keep trying. Checkpoints are fair but some parts you gotta do in 1 run 0 hits on you. Oh yeah, And you get a double jump but can't wiggle around in air like Mario or Sonic. Its like Castlevania 3.

Just beat Mortal Kombat 3 on Game Gear. Its pretty bad. Choppy animation, super unfair AI that pounds you hard and fast, Moves that sometimes don't work(although it could be me) and only 5 continues to beat several guys ibn bet outta 3 fights. But: There is a cheap way to win. Use Sheeva and do the down then up and attack and you do a stomp thing that is mostly unblockable and knocks em down. As the animation is ending and you jump back, re enter the command and you do it again, getting them in a loop. It don't work sometimes and its easy to get trapped in a chain link of attacks and be burned down in seconds. All fights are tough but Sindel wasn't too bad. There's only 8 characters and Shao Khan (No Liu Kang or Motaro or Sub Zero) . The only way to do ANY thing in this game is to fight cheap. 1 button attacks the other also attacks and start is block (You can't pause). Its not very long either but there's higher difficulties that just have you fight more guys. Honestly, its kinda bad. But if you want something to beat quick by spamming Sheeva Stomp then try it. The music is ok and art is nice but it animates pretty bad. Oh and there's a symbol thing b4 each match that if you shuffle the right symbols in, lets you have different effects like doing more damage or no blocking or w/e (But its not on the final fight). Glad I played this, but its not good.

Just beat Super Variable Geo on my SNES Collection. The File I ran didn't work well and it was spazzy and had slowdown and often froze. I had to use Save States to make it trough b4 the game f''d out.. Its pretty tough, even on the lower difficulty and plays sorta like a Neo Geo game with 2 punch and 2 kick buttons. Typical Street Fighter II stuff where you fight through each fighter in best of 3 rounds with infinite continues. I was able to pull off a special move a few times but wasn't sure how. I used Erina Goldsmith as she;s Blonde , American and a Rabbit girl (I AM the rabbit!!) and was able to tough my way through the game. Good graphics and music and its got that cool 90s anime style. Its pretty good, controls well when not spazzing around and nice animated backgrounds. Oh and good sound clips of Japanese girls voices. Its pretty good and has bright 90s colors. Glad I played this. I liked the Anime and this was a good fit.

Just beat Mr. Driller on GBC. Its sorta like Columns but you play as this little dink who drills through the floor and 500 or 1000 m (Miles?) of bricks where each layer is 1 M (The Metric system is non canon!!). As you go down the brix fall and can crush you but you can climb 1 step is there's no bricks on it. Also you got an air supply where each second it does down by 1 and has a max of 100. You can collect air tanks of 10 airs each and if you run out it costs a life. You get 3 guys and 0 continues but the game can be beat in several minutes if you go right. Also are boxes that break with several drill hits but cost 20 airs to break. If a colored brick falls and goes next to a same colored one it links together and if that is busted it all goes. The 1000 this is too hard and annoying and I beat it on the 500 which sez "Try 1000 M" like any game you don't beat on the highest setting. All you get is more of the same but spread out over more. Its a spin off of Dig Dug but I never played that so I wouldn't know. Its decent on 500M but annoying on 1000 M. Also if 4 or more boxes link they poof away. Its got good music and colorful graphics but on my TV with the GameCube Player I had trouble seeing the boxes as they fell. Not bad but can be stressful. Glad I tried it but that 1000M was an ordeal.

Just beat Mortal Kombat 2 on Game Gear. The 1st few rounds are easy but at Shang Tsung it gets pretty hard. I find the foe often uppercuts you right after you uppercut by ducking and timing it perfect. The moves are easier to pull off than other MK handhelds and it controls pretty well. Good color and music and graphics. I used Liu Kang and also had trouble with Mirror Match and Kintaro (Who was the hardest fight). Shao Khan I beat by jump kicking and walking a bit then doing it in a loop. I find its easy to throw guys by standing and hitting punch. With Kintaro you gotta keep your distance and attack and jump back or use the jet kick thing or keep jumping and kicking in case he uses his stomp. Its probably the best Handheld MK game and has 6 continues to beat around 10 guys. Glad I did this. Its pretty good.

Just beat Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon S - Jougai Rantou on my Snes collection. Its a fighting game where you choose a Sailor Scout and fight the others with Uranus as the final boss. Yo do moves by spazzing the D pad and pressing buttons and there's a desperation move if you have little life bar left. This game is in Japanese and I was able to wiggle my way through it. B4 the fight you get to choose the controls and if you press Select you can get a stats screen where you can give skill points to starts like HP or Attack. If you put it on lower difficulties you get more points and make the game easier. Its pretty good but my version on my emulator on DS was spazzy and kept flashing white over and over in the fights. I used Sailor Venus as she's the fun one and has good range with the Love Chain Whip. Its as easy or hard as you want it to be by hoe many points you give yourself. Good graphics and music and it plays well. Decent Street Fighter 2 Clone. Bright and colorful and has that anime look of the show when it was good. Glad I did this one. Its a good one. Oh and I think you got unlimited continues but I'm not sure as I didn't really lose much.

Just beat Psychic World on my Game Gear multicart. Its sorta like Valis with Anime style cutscenes and battle shoulder pad mini skirt armor. You got 4 levels to go through where 1 button attacks and 1 jumps. Holding down and pressing Jump lets you access a lower options thing where you can press left or right to go in the opposite direction to choose a different attack or ability like hovering or invincibility. You got a life bar and a ki bar that powers your abilities and infinite tries to get through. If you bite it you restart the whole level and some parts are sorta maze a bit. Collecting new attacks over and over lets you power them up and if you bit it, you return to how you were at the start of the level with all newly gotten things reset til you get them again. Its not too hard but there's no checkpoints and starting a level with low hp can make you have to do it perfect. Also you can cheese through a lot of the game with spamming invincibility. some parts have puzzle solving like building ice steps of burning through ice blocks. Its pretty good but has some flaws. Good graphics and music and decent controls. Its not impossible if you just stick to it and maybe watch a longplay or walkthrough. no saves or passwords but i hear there may be an options menu with round select. Glad I played this. Its pretty good.

Just beat Thunder Fox on Genesis. You play as these elite guys in Reed or Blue pants and no shirt who go through 5 Altered Beast style beat em up/Run N Gun levels where 1 button is attack, 1 is jump and 1 is item. You get items from boxes or wasting guys and they have limited ammo. You can slug guys with weapons for close range attacks and getting 2 of the same weapon gives you 2x the ammo. Up and jump is a flip jump and that makes you invincible and pressing down and jump in mid air lets you attach downward. Looping these makes you hard to hit but not invincible 100%. It controls pretty well and has nice music and graphics but a few levels are pretty tough. You get 5 continues and 3 guys each to try and no way to get more. You can press Jump + Attack to do a straight jump kick and I used that against a few bosses to get em in a loop as they block if you use a weapon on them. The final round has you facing a huge robot that is only hit by grenades and guys randomly popping up to ice to get em, but to get by the robot w/o damage, you gotta flip up and down while going toward it. It helps if its moving toward you. After that the final boss is tough and I had to spam jump kicks as flip kicks were only good for invincibility frames. If you run outta guys, you restart the fight and the boss is back at full life. Its easy to spam flip kicks through the levels to get by but the bosses are tricky. Also there's a time limit that only resets when it runs out or you start a level. If it runs out, you lose a guy. It can be beat in like 40 mins if you know what to do. Glad I played this. Its 1 played though, unlike the Arcade ver.

Just beat Sonic Battle on GBA. Is a fighting game where you go around a field sorta like Streets of Rage and fight guys. L is charge Ki and heal, R is special attack, A is jump and B is attack. You gain Ki by blocking hits but I'm not sure hot to do that and getting killed. If you have full Ki, you glow and the next R is a 1 hit kill move that can be blocked sometimes. The controls take getting used to as Back and B is an upward move but sometimes I wanna turn around and hit and I do the wrong move. Enemies can take you out in 1 chain combo from full to 0 and you have various ways to win depending on the fight. Ice 10 guys, take out all their lives, ect. You play in 8 story's where each is a different character and go around an overworld to different areas and fight different fights and have long unskippable text scenes. Good music and there's voices and good graphics but sometimes its hard to tell where you gotta go to hit the foe as they move up and down in the air and on a board. You get skill points after winning a fight and the new character is a robot that can equip moves on using those points. The story is good and more serious and bada55 than the typical Mario one. Sorta like Digimon to Pokémon. The game autosaves after fights but sometimes you gotta fight 2 fights in a row and the 2nd one is harder and you got to win both to continue or if you go back to change your equips, you gotta do the 1st one again. Some parts are an ordeal and some take a while, but its not too bad. Just gotta get the foe in a loop sometimes. I liked it and its got some good stuff to it. Glad I got it. It works mostly. Oh and you get unlimited tries and a save file to beat it in.

Just beat Lightening Force: Quest for the Darkstar on Genesis. Its called one of the best Genesis games. After playing it, I see why. Its a Shmup where you blast through 10 levels of side scrolling and get power ups too use different shots. 1 button fires, 1 changes weapons and 1 adjusts the speed. You can cycle through weapons if paused. You get 6 continues and several lives to beat it but if you go to the hidden options menu, you can set lives to 0 and get 99 guys. Without it, its pretty hard with 1 hit kills but you get shields and options. If you get options after the 1st few levels, you can not fire for a few secs and auto charge a power shot. The bosses take a ton of hits but have patterns that are not too tricky, esp if pause and unpausing. Great graphics and really great music that seems like something from an 80s anime ova. Some of the better Genesis music. I'm glad I played this and even with getting extra guys I picked up, I started with 99 and was down to 13 by the end. I went through the soundtrack after beating the game and its got extra tracks in there that are great. Worth the 27$ I shelled out for this cheap Repro cart.

Saturday, July 11, 2020

Journey to The Center Of The Earth Review

Noye: My spellin g is hollow like da urth

Journey to the Center of the Eaarth

diss iz ma revewe of jerny 2 da center od da urth from 1959

its directed by Henry Levin who did the 60s brothers grimm movie and stars james masoc,bat boone, annd no one else i know

its based on a book by jules verne and is probably trye as i hear storues of da urth having lother worlds inside it

i saw this in da 90z butr not since den

huh, pat didn't wanna be un thus cuz its sci fi

it made a lot of cash at da thearte and got good reviews

so after credits  to laave, we get 1880 soviet england i mean scotland and this geology professer comes to this place where they sing a song to celebraste him and thabk him for being a good teacher

noeadays he's be a dgenerate and either teach the kids lies, or be mo lesting them

also the students would be malcontents and dinks

but in the 1800s people were happy

so pat boone gives him a weird rock and later boone comes by this place for dinner and thers a chick there

they clash lightly so i assume they gonna fall in love

also pat needs cash and then plays piano and sings a love soong sorta like robotech

its really nice

he gives her a kiss on the forehead andd people come in

meanwhile, proff who is chick's uncle is busy in da lab and dinner is about ready

turns out, the rock pat gave him has contradicting cr-p and has wriiting on it

it seems to be from iceland but came outta italy

then something blows and prof the ho rock with his bare hands

turns oout, there was a beyblade in the roock and it has a nordic message on it

turns out, its from an icelandic scientist whohad crazy ideas but vanished

so sudedenly its later and 2 weeks of him staying alone in his library have made school guys come for him saying get to work ya candya66

he thinks h  can reach the center of da urth through a volcano

wouldnt the gravity f ya?

i mean if ur 200 feet under water, you got 200 feet of water on you pressure

so pat comes by and gives proff a letter from soviet stockolm and goes to the library to smooch the chick

also the guy proff anted to reach vanished around the time his letter asking to meet got thete

so now proff wants to go to soviet iceland too beat this guy whos going there i think

and pat wants to join

so they go to iceland to eat the lazytown puppets and i wasnt paying attention as i was making rice but a guy is in a horse cart and is taken to a feather storehouse and pat in in there too

they got paptuted (and the guy is prof)

and the rival rof whos trying to beat them is f ing them up by buying the cr-p they need

they hear a tapping on the wall and think its morse code annd they ask it in multiple languages

but its really a duck and its owneris an icer who comes by and frees wm

they go to dda hotel to see the rival and he's been iced and he was poisoned

so this hag tells chick that the g on the hotel bit it and she thinks its pat and prof, wait, i think its a diferent chick

oh its the wife of rival prof

prof sez he needs riival's gear and it should be his as the trip was his idea and rival stole it

also the explorer who went missng's fam is about and trying to stop others from finding out his seccret

she reads her man's doary and consents to givingthem the gear

alsso she's goiig with them but prof dont want it as shes a girl and girls have cooties

so he eventually agrees if she ddoesn't hold em up andthey go off to the volcano

they see light going through a hole in a hill and thats where to go (indiana jones rippred it off) and duck guy broght his duck

well, it took almost an hour bu they finally gooing in

but unlike 2012, it was interesting

meanhile, the chick from b4 gets a letter from prof who sezthey going in with a chick and a nord

so the heroes go deeper and this rock rolls after em like indiana jones and they survive

they find markings that show they are on da right way and they go on but soomething f's up

eventually they find a crustal area with water andthey hose off but but by chipping off a piece of crystal (like spheris in Robotevh) the wall f's out andwater flushes in

what a p o s wall, 1 piece pulled off and the who thing's f;d

meanwhile, pat dropped a lamp in a hole in da earths a55 and is wandering around

so they go up a hole in the ceiling and they go around as pat wanders and takes off his shirt from the heat in the cave

btw this was rated 12+ in fin land, norway and west germany

buncha candya55es

so pat find a salt hole and sinks through it andd after searching for him, the party figgers hes bit it and namee the expidition affter him

later, the relative of the 1st explorer finds pat and  as his servent bit it, is gonna enslave pat boon to carry his cr-p

also relative bad guy caps pat in tge arm and prof uses his nerd math powers to find where the gunshot came from and save him

bad guy has emm at gunpoint and tells em to book it and give him theur cr-p

so prof tthrows calt in bad gus face (nyyyyyyyyyehhhhh pockect sand!!) and gets his gun

they have a trial ovr him icing the tival as down here, they are da law and find him guoilty

but no one wants to execute him  as pat can't use his left hand and chick is a woman  and cant even though she was saying her gende dont matter for weeks (how feminist!)

also; sheena from contra hard corps is a chick and caps everyone

btwm so what if you cant use ur left hand? just put it in his butt and blow him out!!

give him a 45 calibur suppository!!

so they take him along and find thealgae in here glows

isnt this proof of ceeationism? natural things made to help people?

if it evolved it woulsn't do that! it would try to stay hidden!

soo they were under for 256 ggays and prrof gets [p-ssed at wife b--cjhing at him

they find huge a55 mushrooms (like in super mario?) and try to eat em (cuz they totallly have no chance of being poison) and later, pat and wiffe taalk about the chick hes hetero for

later they find a sea underground (which IS true as sciemtists have found there is a whole other oceann in da urths crust(and was proobably these after Noah's flood, wgich is more ptoof of creationism!!))

they find a dimetrodon and ezcape unto the sea as it can't swim

btw, they used a  modded lizard for this but if it was done today it would be cr-ppy a55 cgi

so it goes off and ffinds more dmetrodons and come for the heroes

it nearly eats wife but they chuck a  spear  into 1 of em and (just like liberals) they back off when challenged

the crew gets a raft made of mushrooms to the sea abd next we see chick at her place in winter wondering about the crew

meanwhilee, later, they reach da center of da uurth and its magnetic cr-p sucks their metal off and they are in a crazy a55 storm

are we gonna see the sea  monsters now?

so after da storm they are on da beach and prof and wife have a moment

so duck wanders off and when nord wakes up its gone and h finds it was eat by bad guy

being from a commie country, he tries to murder a man over an animal and when bad guy steps back and leans on rocks, they give out and he's iced

where the rocks fell is the city of atlantis as somehow its at the center of da urth but in great shape

also is an alter wherethey worshipped their wicked gods like in yugioh 5Ds

also is the bones of the explorer which is pointing to a shaft with a gust of wind thats a volcanic chimney

they need supplies to make it up and theres this biolizard thing that changes colors near em

so they find the chute is blocked and they are gonna bloe it with gunpowder and use a sacrificial lter to ride in

After a prayer this biolizard attacks and grabs prof with its tentacle tonguebut they get him back and hide in the alter for tribute bowl

the gunpowder blows andit makes the altanticf out and lava come up that eats the biolizard

in their cereal bowl theyride the wind tunnel on lava below em (which should cook them through the bowl) and they get pooped outta italy volcano

the alter sinks in da sea and they are saved by a boat

meanwhile, pat is sent flyinh by a nun factory ad lands in a tree

wont tht kill him?

so later prof is celebrated but says he has no proof so thry shouldnt cheer

but now someone else might go under and proove it in the not too didtant futute

why not go now??

whats stopping em?

also pat married chick and busted his leg on the church steps

priof wants to have wife stay with him but she dont wanna live in sin

then they smooch and everyone sings the celebrate song about da prof

then text sez carlsbad cavern wa where some was filmed

the end

that was great

good adventure, good effects, good music, good acting

they cut a few things, like the sea monster battle, and changed the characters to ireishmen instead of germans, but it still worked

its doen right and is clean with little to no swearing, vooiolnce, nude scenes or purvoes

a good clean tvpg like weird al or batman tas

glad i saw it. its great

for Journey to the Center of the Earth 2 i want it to be ww1 and the kaiser sends a team down into da earth for finding ancient cr-p too help him beat the ape like englishmen and lusty french. its also a 16 bit rpg on sega genesis, snes, gba, tg16 and atari aguar where yo play as this team of german dudes and fight through cave monsters and drive a steam powered vehicle through it to bring back ancient monsters to fight the britmo's army and lusty soviets.

Wednesday, July 8, 2020

Jesse James Review

note; i spell like an outlaw, but good!

jesse james

this is my revieew on jesse james from the distant future year of 1939

its got tyrone power, henry fonda, randolf scott, johhn carridine and jlon chaney gx

its directed by Henry King who did The Snows of Kilimanjaro and was produced by Darryl F. Zanuck

i saw thing years ago on tcm but dont recall much

so after credits to souther mosuc, we get text saaying after the alleged civil war, railroads came up to uunite the nation and f'd people

then the railroad guys are jewing the american people into selling their land for peanuts or they;d call the gov to force em

wasn't this what the south fought against? oppressive gov taking from the people?

same with george washington 80ish years b4 them

they also beat on teh families of the owners to force them to sign their land away

so they come by the jasse james fam farm and chat with jj and go to his hom to gyp her outta her land

btw this is in proper fullscreen

she dont consent to signing and when he gets b--chy, her  sonn frankie stands up to him and tries  to attack him through a handshake

so frank slugs him away and jesse pulls his american rights firearm on them

jesse kicks his yankee a55 (literally) and when jesse turns his back, the guy tries to scythe his a55 but gets cappeda nd sent to h e double california

the carpet baggers flee but mom faints and jesse gets the people of town together to fight the soviet union (vs confederate)threat

so th handshake guy survives with a hole in his hand (which will make jj-0rkin off interesting) and wants to charge the james boys

meanwhile, jesse wants to get a lawyer to help em fight for their land and a gguy comes by to say the law is after em and the railroad owns the courts and gov

so big gobv comes for the james boys but they gone so the gov throws a grenade in their home and blows apart their mom

so this chick tells the james boys their mome went to the big plantation in the sky and they want to avange her

wait, wasnt it the pinkertons who torched the james home and iced their fam?

so jesse goes to the railroad guys and blows em back to h e doubel new york as they claim it was an accident

like in the dark knight how two face was wasting those involved in the chicks wacking

so theres a bounty on jj's head  for this and later, the soviet railroad is fulfilled and has f;d through stolen landd

but a dark avenger rides the shadows and carjacks the train

remember the train level in star fox 64? that was annoying.

then again, in yugioh zexal, that busty chick used a train deck and it was pretty good

so the james gang jacks the train riders and after the train goe on, the guy on it sez it was jesse james s "no one else would have the nerve"

yeah, that'll hold up in court

so back at the james cave, jesse returns and hsi gf sez he otta stop but he hates the railroad too much

later a gov guy comes by and he lets the gf know if he catches jj he;s gonna blow his head off j fk style

later gf tries to get jj to surrender but he dont wanna go to jail and she is bummed

they decide to get married and go to a church where the Priest is glad to help him as the railroad f'd him

So jj turns himslef in and hopes to get a fair trial

in jail he is met by the railroad prez and later, the prez sez hes gonna fix the trial to get jj strung up

so the lawman trys to hellp jj and finds theres a plan to get him out

the boss gets a note saying if they dont free jj, then frank will bust him out

so boss gets ready to sstop the rescue mission and frank stops by

lawman says this is all because of the railway boss and walks out and frank and a bunch of guys hold the guards and boss at gunpoint and free jj

the guys the lawman hired to eputie were jj's allies

they make the boss eat the paper he wrote a note on and escape as the cops chase em

they should have stuck it in his bakdoor!

they getta way and the reward goes up to 25 000 $

so jesse's girl poop sout a kid and jesse cant be ther as he's a wanted man like lancer from robotech but less cross dressing

she is giving up hppe for the future and hopes to bite it as its easier than dealing with things, bu when her kid cries, she says she didnt man it

jesse hears of his son but also that the marshall is at the wifes place and he goes to see them, but queers out after a whhile and tells his homeboy pinkie  to tell them cr-p

he goes on to jack banks and trains and the gov sez tehy'll pardon any of the jj gng who betrays jj and give them a reward

later the wife of jj gets a newspaper but can't read so this guys reads it but dont tell her

later the guy (who;s kinda scuzzy) talks to jj and sez jj is being too reckless

jj tells him off and sez he''s da boss and if scuzzmo dont like it, he can find another gang

hsi bro sez jj is going too far and taking too many chances and tteis to talk sense into him and comfort him

later, a guy warns a bank the the james gang is heading to there to jack it

when some of the jj guys go in to da banck, they are opened fire on and they book it

jesse took a hit and they get to the river and cross but he hides in the wood int eh river

the papers report that if he is alive, he's f;d and his woman hears it

a guy tells her jesse changed and is the bad guy now

jessy returns to his woman and young son who's 5 now and finds his boy dont know anything about him

he wants to go away after he gets better and hugs his fam

the papers say after 3 months w//o jj sightings, he's iced but frankie sez he gled the country

where'd he go? soviet canada?!

fighting sasquatch and eating live moose!

later scuzzmo stops by and tells jj that frankie sent him to get him and go to da banck

jj wants to go to soviet california, probably to poop on the floor and get/spread aids and dont consent to going with them

scuzzmo wants to get jj to do cr-p but jj's kid and homies is making nose outside and playing jesse james where the kid gets capped

after da boys go home, j takes his kid inside and is gonna catch the afternoon train to soviet califronia

jesse goes doen and scuzzmo  caps hhim and runs off

then we have a memorial of him and a guy says good sh-t about him

then they read his stone saying he was 34 and iced by a traitor

the end

that was pretty good

nice classic wholesome clean cool film

it tells the story and does it well and even though its not fully accurate about the evil pinkertons and their assault on freedom by the cokmmie union gov, its still pretty good

it don't mention jesse jame's civil war service in the confederacy but i guess thats for the prequel to do

i liked it and it has a nice feel and atmosphere to it

its only like 101 minutes and goes by pretty decent and dont drag

for jesse james 2 i want it to be 15 years later and the 2nd civil war is raging. edison has made steam powered suits that use gears to enhance a soldiers speed, strengthn and defence and the 2nd confederacy is using jesse james as an icon to call to arms those wronged by big gov. also its a 128 bit dreamcast, gamecube, ps2 and xbox game where you fight through several missions as jesse james jr and take on yankee strongholds to bring down their black reign and free the people from oppression.

Tuesday, July 7, 2020

New Jack City Review

Note: my spelling is jacked

new jack city

this is my review on new jack city from 1991

i never saw this b4 but in earth worm jim is a level called new junk city

its directed by super mario van peeblres and stars westly snipes, ice t, Chris Rock, mario vvan peeles and judd nelson

ooh, flavor flav is in this

huh, this film did well according to wikepaedia(who says oj isnt a murderer and creation science and ki are psudo sciences)

i'm watching this on BET so its censored

so it starts with credits as the cam goes through soviet new york and the news says things s-ck

then this guy is being held over the bridge by homies over drugs

tthey drp him and he goes to h e double california

its da 80s and drugs are taking over

why not just make a drug zne where druggies can go to do drugs?

then gas it!!

so ice t is doing a drug deal (this is b4 he became a cop on svu) and has a backpack full of cash

tthen we see him chasing the guy who's on a bike who eventually hits a thing and flies off and ice tea chases him on foot and catchrs him

wait, he's a cop

btw, he chased a man on a bike all that distance?!

What is he? Akira Fudo?!

of cource, drugs et daemons affect you easier as it weakens ur spiritual defences, so maybe he is posessed!

so snipes is in a car with his homies and i think 1 has brain damage (probly from drugs) and sez they shouldsnt use drugs

they are dealers

they joke about b0ning chicks and each others parts

so they they atta club and in da back a banker who wants to work with em for a profit with crack

snipes i gonna reclutionize things by taking over the carter (i dont know what that is) and set up a drug lab

this is why we had robocop

then these homies go up to s guy, and blow a hole through his head

oh they're tgetting people outta their honesto take it over and set up their drug emmpire

why not call the cops?

i mean it'll take em 40 is to get there but after giving them the info, the can arrest the homies

so more drive bys and a montage of violence and drugs and we see a chick telling kids to say no to drugs

look at intervention! you want that to be your life?!

as a kid i saw power rangers addswhere they said to sa no to drugs smokes and booze

i never got into any of em

i mean i drink ppop, bu thats nothing coompared to crack!

so da cops are overwhelmed byy the drug epidemic and 1 guy wannts cops who know the streets to hlp em win

the high rank cop allows tis andice t gets a new partner and they go into a new drug foece

so snipes meets wiith some gaijin aboout theit agreemennr and this gaijin wantrs them to keep their 10% ed up

so then its christmas and snipes is giving food to needy guys and 1 guy who got some later spazzes out anf attacks a chick

then ice t gets him, beats on him, pulls a gun o him too shut him up and brings him in

i think he takes him to rehab as guys are talkimng of te damsge drugs did to em

affter he gets clean he helps ice t like a villager saved by a samurai to become his squire, and tells him of snipes drug empire

later at a meeting with some italiano guys, ice twa i mean snipes kills them all

thn they dance at a club and talk about a chick they wanna b0ne

later they watch scarface the remake and later watch this chick in red undies dance slowly

so later snipes bickers with his chick about her cr-p

later ice t and his cop droogs plan to get info on snipes with video cameras

they send a guy in with a feed and later ice t (ait, i thnk that as a test camming) tels the guy who he saved that a junkie iced his mom in 74

so they send e junkie in and he's spazzing out and they search him and find a wre

the cops rush in and the dealers set the building to blow

the cops bust in and cap the dealers in a gunfight and find the ex junkie with the charge and they defuse it

then snipes finds out the cops took out the carter (which i guess was their drug base) and he goees mental on is crew

so after a service for someone who got iced, ice t's boss sez the anti drug foece is over

so ice t tallks to a higher p wwho sez its not a black or white thinh, bt drugs get aannyone

so ice t goes to see snipes at the court and gets sent off as snipes dont kknow him

later snipes chats with ice t on a roof about how to jion a gang he had to ice someone

later at a place with kids, a bible guy tells snipes hes bad and ggets beat ep

snipes tells hi off and guy pulls a gun butsnipes homies take him away

so then thees a wedding and after it, snipes comes down some steps and some guys open fire on himin slo mo

then iits a big a55 gunfight and the gys drive off

the hit guys call him and tjey bicker

i think its the italiannoes

then theres a driveeby on a motorcycle and the italianoes got wacked

so good guys mee and find snipes wasnt in any footage they caught and tey got no vidence

later ice t dbrings cash to a drug deal but the guy he caught on the bike recognizes him and outs him

they open fire on him but he escapes

soo h-ll breaks loose and they waste each other and guys get stomped and thrown off high places and capped

oh and the ex crackhead was the guy they had the service for

so snipes meets with a guy on a rooftop about some cr-p about how iys alll f'd for him and his homies are in h-ll

snipes pulls a gun on the guyand eventuallly caps him for betraying him or w/e

later ice t finds a guy who outs where ssnipes lives as snipes cooked a guy with gasoline for being 5$ too few on his debt

like with the mandela necklace?

so snipes busts on and ait i mean ice t busts into snipes place and  beats o anipes aand reveals the woman he iced to join a gang was ice t's mom

after a through a55 beating, ice t pulls a gun on snnipes but the only white guy in the movie stops him

snipes sez he'd be out in a week and he'd ice ice t

knowing how soviet new york puts criminal lives 1st, i'd say thats plausible

thenits thee trial and a cchick testifies against hmand so does ice t

snipes blames the syatem for makking drugs illegal

imagine a chold mo lester blaming age of consent laws as discrminitory against his orientation

actually, that might happen!!

so snipes gets off easy and the bible guy goes up to him in the court place and blows a hole in his torso and snipes fa,lls down a hole in the spiral stairthing

then text sez this snipes guy is fiction but represents real drug guys

the end

that was pretty good

bada55, action, good message o how  aful druggies are

its got good acting and good lighting and color and good 90s style

its from around the turn of the decade where the 80s and 90s met like the 90s ninja tutles or edward scissorhands or shost

its well made and is cool and has good effort put in

i like it. it works

for new jack city 2 i want wesley snipes to have survived and was awarded by the city a high settlement for letting him get capped. he is now crippled but has an electric chair that has weapons in it like cesar in urotsukidoji iii and he uses legetimate businesses to fund his drug empire reborn. ice t has to figth hsi drug dealer waves and they are on roid drugs that make them stronger and harder and he gets  meta armor to boost his strength to fight em and has blads built in it to slice through with dancr fighting. also its a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis, snes, tg16, atari jaguar and gba where you play as ice t or his new partlner, a blonde female bodybuilder cop, in these meta armor nd they slice through the burning streets of soviet new york in 199x and get through the drugged up homies and fight to get to snipes and his electric chair that transforms into battle armor and a big a55 mech.

Friday, July 3, 2020

Touch Of Evil Review

Note: I spell bad but not evil
Touch of evil
this is my review on touch of evil from the distant future year to the confederates) of 1958
its directed by orson welles and stars him, charlton heston, jabst leigh and Marlene Dietrich
its got good ratings and had several versions with various lengths
so it starts with 1 long a55 uninterupted shot following a guy in a car through opening credits
this couple goes through the mexico boarder and after they get out of the car, it blows
wait, it was the car in front of em
and the couple is heston and leigh
heston is a cop and tells his woman to wait at da hotel
wait, i thin they went from soviet mexico to america and the car that blew was from there
wife is out and some mexiican greasers from the outsiders say they wanna talk to her about her husband
at the car this chick identifies the bodies as her dad and fata55 orson wellres comes out looking like bulloc from tim burtons batman (i mean eckhart)
welles makes commnts about mexican charlton heston and the vics in the car
the mexican gang takes wife to a hoptel and she figgers something is up
this fat mexican sez he wants charltoon heston to lay off his bro in mwxiico
she leaves andbtw, they had good lighting whereit gors bright to dark and back
this is in great b//w and widescreen and has a good heavy shadows look to it like an 90s anime
wife twlls moses about the mexicans and he goes out with a guy following him
guy throws acid at him like its europe and he's a gaijin and moses dodges and takesb him down
the cops interview str-ppers and welles then goes to see this chick about the car that blew and flirt with her
at homw, wife throws the lightbulb out the window cuz she saw something and heston moses comes home
fat mexican beats on acid thrower forr going against his ordersand heston expplains that the violence and prvurts here isnt the real mexco
me; o rly? then wy do so many fight asnd die tryimng to escape to  soviet california??
later a  mexican gives wife an envolope of her sranding next to greaser guy in front of a hotel to look like she was b9ning him
later wife wants to go to an American Motel (janet leigh in an ameriican motel?! Call Hitchcock!!) and fat mexican follows them as they drive
so wells looks around places in day and goes to meet heston at a motel and interview this mexican
heston goes out and calls his wife andwelles chats woth fat mexican about heston
heston tells wife he loves her and is sorry he put her through this
then wife calls a gguysaying shes tired and dont wanna be dusturbed
bit its one of te mexicans on the other end (maybe the greaser)
so heston grills this suspect about the car who sez he was in love wot the chick who's dad got wacked in the car but didnt want them together
wellles pins it on the suspect and suspect says he didn't do it
later thee  mexican gang ccalls wife and sez the phone is out of service
later, fat mexican is at a place with welles and welles is drinking and wants wells to get him out of a jam as they are partners
later da cops go to see heston and heston calls wife but greaser sez wife told him she don wanna be disturbed
meanwhile, wife is in her room and talks to a chick outside the wall offering her drugs
heston chats with da cops about welles and they say he's a good cop
welles comes in and heston sez welles bought 17 sticks of dy no mite and welles goes mentall
the other cops want moses to say sorry but he goes too check welles other files
later the chick welles flirted wiith gets a call and later the mexicsn gang coomes into wifes room
then all grab her and the door closes
she''s probably being gang b0ned
Is this California?
so heston spend all afternoon going over wellles cases and thinks some wre crooked
moses chats with the  motel guy who sez there was a wild party in cabin 07 and in there they find it busted up, smelly smd her items all over
also hestons gun was jacked and finds a mariwana drug there
motel guy sez he put this mexican guy on desk and heston rewaliizes its the greaser who was related to the fat mexican who hes after
later fat mexican chats with the gang who sez they put on a good show to scare her and they didn't use the drugs
in the real version they b0ned her and all did drugs
wells comes in and gets hestons gun and calls the cos to say to put in an anon tip of a wild party
then wells kills the fat mexican in the room with wife by strangling an leaves them in there
later she wakes up and freaks out and runs screaming
later heston busts up greaser over his wife and a cop tells moses they found wife in a hotel, with drugs around her and a corpse
heston sez its a set up but th evidence look not
later welles goes to the chick he hit on for a tartot reading but she sez he has no future
heston moses has a guy wear a wire and chat with welles as heston follows above like batman
welles adits to icing fat mexican but sez mexico was blac male ing him
its revealed welles's woman was strngeled too, which kinda explains why he went dark
also welles sez he faked evidence to get guilty people
welles hears an echo and figgers its moses and puts it together that the gusy he''s talking to is behind it
i like this; it shows hes smart
then ecthart i mean bullock i mean wells wasts guy with a gunshot
then wanders off and cleans the blood off his hand with califoornia water(which is worse than aids juice)
moses confronts unicron who se they will believe moses iced him as the bullet was from his gun
weles pulls the gun on heston but the guy welles capped,caps him, and bies it
btw, welles looks a lot like weinstein in this
so weinstein bites it and a cop tells chick he flirted with the suspect welles fingered was the killer of the car guys and confessed
welles was right all along
then chick walks away
the end
tht was pretty good
nice atmosphere and style
nice camera work and editing
good acting and good dark with light look
its got that classic look that they dont do anymore and looks great
plus this was before orson welles got massive and he had to wear a suit to look like that
its well done and welles does great work
I goes by at a good rate and never drags or feels long even though its like 2 hours
for touch of evil 2, i want it to be the 60s and without welles taking down the cooks, california is a cesspoole of drug users, sodomizerzz, murderes, gangs and people ritual sacrificing their children. Also, all the cases wellles did got undone and a bunch of crooks got out to destroy the city. heston is tired of letting the bad guys have their way and after hsi wife got b0ned by those guys, he's gone rambo and goes around the street with aa machinegun and shredding crooks. his wife has manned up from the trauma and is now big and buff and bada55 and goes around in a tank top and miniskirt and also has a machine gun. its also a 16 bit run n gun game on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you play as heston or his wife and shred through several levels of the burning ruins of california and fight to get the city back.