Sunday, February 27, 2022

The Robot vs the Aztec Mummy Revieew

 Note: I spell in a way that firts this title

The Robor Vs The Axrtec Mummy

this is myt review on The Robot vs the Aztec Mummy from 1957 (50 years before Season 4 of Transformers G1)

Its actually the 3rd in a triology of movies based on an Aztec Mymmy from some mexico copuntry

It stars a bunch of italiaboes or w/e that i never heard odf and is receined by Rafael Portillo who did nothing I ever saw nor heard of

I never saw tjhis but heard its kinda f'd

ooh, its by american international, those guys did stuff

so after title and credits we get narration about how this movie was based on a real expeiment by a l a nerd

then its night maybe and a car has guys dropped off at a fancy a55 house

this chick comes to greet em and shes got a big a55 like mexicans like

they meet her husband and complinent jhis hot wife

husband tells em this aztek brestplate from some past thing had something happen and he starts recappibng the 1st 2 aztek mymmy fim,s

5 years ago there wqas a psychiatry con where husband talked about past life hypnosis and his theory was sh-tted on

he wanted to proove it and tersted his hupno cr-p on this chic=k who was an aztek in the past

in da past she was gonna be ritual sacrificed like a yugioh card to their daemon god but she loved this guy and wanted to run away

the wicked prioests found em andf they put a bowl of f-kk down his mouth and had him berried alive and curased

then we getta long a55 somng and chanyt and sh-t to get the past chick ready to be sacrific

they gave her a brestplate and bracelet that showed in "heiroglyphics" (which the aztecs didnt use in real life, but he could just be using the wqrong word) that told where the aztrk tresature is

they cut out her heart and the modern chick, oh its ther wife with the a55, she came to from the hyponois and spazzed out

later they found a crimanal had spied on their hypno expertimwent

sincve they needed proof of it woking, thry looked for ther brestplate and bracelet using a55 chick as a guide inm N Underfground thing

after walkling slow for a while, thery eventually findf a dead end andf its hollow but too thicc to break through

slam the chicks a55 INTO IT!

so they open it and finfd a hiddfen room in the puyramid and find an air shaft to go down\

in it they find the aztrk tomb with a statue to their daemon god that makes them chop each other up

theyy find the past chicks skeleton aND modern chick is creeped out by meeting the other her

they take the brestplate and amulet or brtacelet or w/r and days later; met with the nerdfs in his home now and trued to decypher the brestplate

but he forgot the bracelet and needs it to tyrasnlate the brestplate and goes back for it, even though its cursed to take from there

if you take it, people bite it until its returned, so he, hius dad in law aand a dr went back to the pyramid

they found somnne item and the thing it belongs to is missing and they hear a scratching sweeping sound

eventuallly, the azterk warrior came tio life to bring back the stolen things, so they shine lights on and off on it to make it have autism attacks

1 gu throws the item at it but is cauiught by the aztreek as he eeasscapes, but they all 32 get outthe aztek was the bf who is cursed to guard the items forever, whuch makes me think, why not pray it away and turn him Catholic?

so later the aztek came to his home to get the items and captured thre a55 chick and tied her to the sacrifical stone, made her wear the items, and was gonna cut out her heart

the main guys ran over and shoot the knife out it its hand, the keep it back with a cross, which makes sense as its from an unholy god and The Cross represents The REAL God

btw this is in nice b/w and in proper full screen without those candy a55 black bars eating half the image

the guys get the chick free andget out but the cross guy stays bejhind and goes like donald pleasence and bloo himself down with the building to stop the mute masked monster

i think they called him theww prosfessor like in gilligans island

so since the monster was under a lot of rocks and the crook they dealt with was in jail they thought they were safe

but the crook broke outta jail, and was a dr, and captured thre a55 chiuck and hypnotixed her to make her bring him to the pyramid and gte the mummy and items

then called main guy to decypher the heiroglyphics to find the treasaure

crook needed the treasure to fund his experiment that cost a lot

he worked on the translation but did it slow in hoppes the mymmt would come to em but eventually finished the trrranslation and the crook was gonna cap him

but then the mummy aztek came in and their guns did jack sh-t to it as it lightly pushed guys around and flipped tables

1 guy got acid spilled on his face and crook is thrown into a pit of snakes they had there for some reason before returning to his whereever

the temple or pyramid or w/e from the 1st story was busted byuu the guy getting asploded so now the mummy went elsewhere

after main guy called the cops he found the crooks place emppty and theres no lab tech or bodies and there was an escape hatch in the snake pit they put there for some reason

later a guy went by the hose and called to a55 chick to have her come to him from her bed

hugh, a55 chick is named flora lika the plant chick from winx club

so criminal is the one calling her and wants her connection to the aztek mummy to find him

she sez he's in the ancient cemetary and they go to this good graveyard place that seems classic and cool and they knock out a guy in there, maybe a gravekeeper?

they find the mummy in this building but this 1 guy covering his face wants to chop the mummy up as his face is rotted by the acid

but crook wants to use it for getting the items and the treasure, but he can't touch the items or the mummy will wack him

after all the sh-t they went through to find it, they go off to prepare for their plan and drop a55 chick back home and tells her not to remember what happened

the next day she gets up late and has dirt on her gown and slippers

how did the guy know what hapopened when he wasn't there?

1 kid woke up a few times and a55 chick wasn't there but a55 chick sez she's mistaken

husband main guy knows the crook is up to something and the kid was right

and that she was somehow hypnotised and is under controll like tea and marik in yugioh

they put tohgetehr the bad guy crooks plan but has no clues to find where 'es doing it

so they use the lab to test the sliippers and do it w/o her knowing for some reason

the trests say the slippers has marble on em used in mauseleums like that yugioh card

they go to the graveyand but they're juysrt visiting like in monopoly and find the gravekeeper and tell em wheats up

they checked all the other graveyards 1st and gk sez he saw a young woman in a robe with 2 men who ko'ed him

gravekeepers mexican sez they can do whatever they like, which i assume included b0ning the dead, and they split up to cover more ground

eventually they find the place with the azrtetk mummy and for 5 years, do nothing but check on it every now and then

days ago they found an article about how a corpse was jacked adn he thinks the crook did it

also a radiam machine and a brain was jacked and they confirmed the bad guy did it

they check for a place that sells lead and find a lead shielding delivery to a place

after days of searching they think they found the bad guys base and think his experiment is the plan to do something

they have no evidence he's making anything bad, he could just be making a microwave to cook dogs into korean kfc

they dont know 1000% on if its his lab, oh and the bad guy is called The Bat, whiuch sounds like labbat, the bear

husband tells his homies to call the cops if they dont come back

so they go over and are caught by goons and the guy with the cooked face like tatsumi mido from that go nagai manga brings em to the crook

wait, why didn't they use the translation that the husband made in the 2nd adventure? did they just forget he trnaslated it?!

so bat bad guy congraduates the husband for marrying the thicc a55 mexican chick and gives em chairs to sit in

after jabbering on about how mondo cool his new cr-p is and saying he went through forbidden info that The Lord is against

i assume he's into daemon rituals and things the axis did in ww2

so he can bring inert material to life and can keep a heart beating in a jar, which makes me think of that 20s movie The Golem, howthey used the forbidden arts to make that clay come to life

he also tortured animals for tests and loved it and is trying to find the answers to mans reason and purpose, weven though The bible is clear on that

so now he made his own man, a boxy cartoony robot, and he's gonna use it to get the treasure and get rich

so he flips a switch and the lights blionk and in ther husbands home the thicc a55 mexican wife worried about them and wants to call the cops b4 3 am

so the table the robot is on eventually bends aND THE ROBOT HAS A HUMAN FACE ON ITS HEAD i mean in its head, kinda like robocop 02, and it breaks out of its chains

bad guy laughs like hes mental and has a cartoony box as a remote like gigantor or tetsujin28 that he uses to control how much power it uses

if he didn't turn it down it would have disintegrated them to atomnic dust as it uses radium and can use nucuklar power to nuke things

now he wants it to fight the aztek mummy and sends his scarred faced guy to get it

thicc a55 mexican wife calls the cops and bad guy wants an army of robots to take over the world like he's dr wily or robotnik and will use the treasure to fund it

he has 2 guys guard the husband and homie and wants husbnand to translate them again,

plus he thinks no one knows he's there and eventually has toe root move a bit all clanky

so the cops come and get the thicc mexican wilf and the mummy i mean robot goes to the graveyard

in the base the husband and homie beat up the guards and get their guns and as they go out, the cops come in to arrest the guards

in the graveyard the robot slowly comes by and gravekeepers hombre sees it and goes it it, only to be blasted offescren with some smiokey thing and he runs

in the mummy's tomb the scarred guy takes the items from the mummy and it eventually gets up and after lumbering over for a bit and fights badly

the cops and good guys come over and this "making a machine to fight aa monster" was used in Getter Robo and Godzilla

somehow the mummy dfoes well against this c,.inking clanking cxollecting of cr-p[ but the robot beats on it back

mummy hugs the robot and throws it on the gorund and them comes fopr and ends the bad guys

then chick gives the mummy the items and tells it to go back to its ancestors grave

didnt that get blown apart?

so the mummy wanders off and the husband and wife look at each other and the film ends

Wait, that robot was nucular! won't it cause issues with radiation after being busted there?!

the end

that was not bad

kinda cheesy, but a normal 50s movie

yeah the 1st half is just a clip show for the 1st 2 movies, but i never saw thiose so it works for me

besides, how many shows have clip shows that ends with like 3 mins of story advancing cr-p?

i'm looking at you Yugioh VRAINS

yeah its like silly and has issues, but its not awful

its got some good ideas and takes ideas from the 30s Muyummy movies

it did stuff other storeus took from like Kotetsu Jeeg and while the Aztecs didtnt use mummys, still isn't thew worst i saw

its a decent 50s monster sci fi horror movie and i though its kinda fun

For The Robot vs the Aztec Mummy 2 (or is it 4?) I want a daemon cult to try to use the mummy to take out a guy their daemon god wants him to, but the chick who was his gf in a past life gets a Priest to try to save the mummy so it can go to the next life, so its an adventure as the target is on the run, the mummy is after it, and the chcik and the priest are after that, and in tghe end the priest drives out the daemonism and the mummy falls apart and asplodes and the soul goes to heaven after accepting Salvation. also its a 16 bit point and click adventure lie where In time Is Carmen Sandiego on Sega Genesis, Snes, TG16, Atari Jaguar and GBA where you follow clues to find the trrail to get to the mummy bnefore it gets to the target.

Thursday, February 24, 2022

Murder By The Clock Review

 Note: My sopelling is clock accuraTE (WTF DOESA THAT Meab?!)

Murder By The Clock

Thisa is my review on murer by the cpocl friom the distant future year of 1931 (100 years before Optimus Prime was revived as Star Convoy in Transformers Battlestars The Return of Convoy)

it stARS COMMIE Irving Pichel from The Great Ruipert, Regis Toomey from Night of the Grizzley, Blanche Friderici from Sadie Thompson/The Hatchet Man and A Farewelkl To Arms, Walter McGrail from Reefer Masdness/The Grapes Of Wrath and The Son of Monte Cristo, Martha Mattox from The Wicvked Darling/Torrent, and a buncha 19900s/1800s guys i never heard of

Its directal by Edward Sloman who did nothing i seen and is based on a novel and play i never heard of

after crediys to 30s music we get a graveyand anbd this fam isn';;t allowed to stay after 6 pm

more people come and its with as rich chick who's fam owned the land and gets more rights

her son is kinda ret-rded and afraid of corpses and sghe forces him to put flowers at her mans tromb

what a b--ch, hope she gets b0ned dead by a big black dog

there's also an older lady who is nice to the son ands son shows off how strong he is by liftring a huge tomne slab

ladty tells off b--ch for being b--chy and how she['s secretly there to see if her horn she put in the tomb to warn if she's buried alive works

b--ch is phobic of being burried alive as her uncle had it happen and asks lady not to let it happen

imagine if to majke sure, they get a big heavy rock and mash her head in with it b4 putting her in there?

they leave and the guard tallks with a new maid and asks what happeneds to the redhead

at home b--ch is told by maid the nephew called and b--ch is b--chy over nephew being after money

she orders maid to lock trhe door and not let nephew in and in a car nephew is comming with his woman and needs money

art dinner son plays with a knife and thinks u can kill someone witnh it and mom sez top putr it down

son sez a painting has a knife and she sez its a sword he used in a fair fight

mom talks to her brainally disabled son about what he'd do if she bites it and he seems to wanna ice people with his hands

is he inbred?! like charles and andrew?? the queen married her relative!

nephew comes by and b--ch mom dont like him and neither does son

sjhe gives him brandy and b--ches at him marrying a wioman he dont want as soon nearly strangles him from behind

but mom sez she'd give him the inheritance as her son is too devolved and nephew is the one she thinks is less bad

later nephew talks with his wife and she needs money but, wait, i think its the lady, wait, its the wife

sjhe dont wanna get money from him and he gives her it and shes her a statue he made

wait, i think shes someone elses wife and thats not nephew

so mom b--ch has her will drawn up fast and has her home to be nephews and his womans but her ret-rded son can live there so they don't put him to sleep or w/e they did in the 30s

nephew has to ask his wife but mom sez no house no money so he consents

nephew teklls his wo man but she is p-ssed that she only gets it when b--ch bites it which could take a while

nephew offers to borrow money but she dont wanna live on another man's money

she wishes b--ch would go to h e double soviet california tonight and nephew thinks of it

at night, btw thius is in proper fullscreen and in nice b/w, the b--ch goes around and looks at her fam painting as a big black shadow woith arms out comes up to hrer

she screams offscreen and the lady hears and calls the cops who ask her where son is and lady sez shes sure he had nothing to do w/ it

the cops think the mentally ret-rded guy did it as he wasn't gonna get the money as they they are racist against ret-rded p[eople

1 ddetective suggests nephew did it as he gets the money now but head cop sez it cannt be as they got an open and shut a55 i mean case, but meant a55

woman smiles but turns and sees son comming out and points the cops to him

head cop asks how son spends his tim and son sez he thinks about killing and he can use hs hands

he breaks something with his hands and the cops take him away as lady sez he didnt do it

head cop sends the guys home and sez they closed the case(which i see some holes in this from my years of experience of watching law and order)

but dectice sees that if son can snap metal, then why isn't the b--ches neck broiken but head cop dont care

nepohew is a nervous purvus and a lower talks with aid and they kinda flirt

so they put tyhe b--ch in the tomb and lady shows them the alarm that warns if b--ch is still aliove in there, which disturbs nephew

i like the scenary in here, its classic and stylish like those start of the 30s films

so the wife whos blonde choose trhis room thats connected to another by a balcony and blonde dont get along with lady

nephew admits to blonde he iced the b---ch and blames her for putting him up to it, but has srts huilt

he wants to confess but blonde sez if he does he'd get the noose

main chatrs with lower cop or guard of w/e he is and she misses the b--ch and guard sez shes pretty when bummeed and he likes it

later blonde goes too see the son and head cop sez theres no other proisoners as i giuess they were chopped up and fed to the poliece dogs

she manipuilates him into thinking she likes hima dn he wants to do whjat he thinks b0ning is to her

she tries to get him to ice nephew to be with her and live in the home with her

its like the story of Samson (or is it Sampson) fron the bible how the chick seduced him to get his eyes popped

she lets the devolved son kiss her hand and is grossed out by it and on her way out meets detective who was demoted cuz of her

she suggests doing sh-t to get him reinstated and kinda flirts with him but he sez her eyes seem like either genuiouses and killers

she has the driver bring her to her butt buddys place and plays the victim like her husband is a p o s candy a55 c-ckl sucker

she manipulate him by saying nephew hit her(i deed naat heet haa! aiii deed naaaat!) and butt buddy sez someone optta ice him

later the re-trded sopn gets out and by wescaping and the cops send a guy over to nephews place to check it out as blonde called em

its the guard again and i think its the detective, yweat i is, who is in the house to keep things safe

nephew goes back upstairs to write letters and detericlkve (or dick in 30s slang like dick tracy) looks around with blonde

she flirts with him cuz shes a sl-t and they hear a scream and upstairs they dinsd i mean find nephew i think dead in the closet

dick has guard ssend for more guys and sez theres finger marks on nephews neck

a guy, i think the ter-ted guy, runs around the graveyard and blonde acts all bummed but deick knows shes behind it as she made sure to be with him when nephew got it

this is like how the queen has daiana and chux other b--ches iced, but she didn't have to b0ne the hitmen

guard thinks its like a mysterty he read how a guy was tying his shoe and wa ssprays weith "liquid ice" and froze

that don't add up

wtf is liquid ice?! like ice fire??!

the dick sez the killers mind worksd like a =clock(like a clockwork orange?!) and everything was planned

a doctor comes in and is bummed he had to cut through dinner to come here

yeah f that corpse! he dont matter! my dinner dopes!

doc examines him and the nephew isnt ddead dead, just mostyly dead, so doc is junne i mean ghonna inject addrteneline into head heart muslkcesx

blonde sneaks around and by the passage son came from and meets her butt buddy who sez he iced nephew for her

she denies wanting him iced and tells him to getta way and shows him the hidden passage that leades to a graveyead

is that whewre nightmasre b4 xmas came from i mean got it cvrom?!

she dont want him anymore but he wants to go to da cops but she sez some cr-p and he runs off as she goes back through the passage

doc revives nephew who's still out and blonde screams seing thing this

sher claims its the shocl of him being alive but when dick asks if shesa glad hes alive she spazzes out saying "let me alone" like its the big green dub of dbz

she's takes to bed and son comes back and goes in tghe graveyand passage

doc givbes her a dink toi make her sleep butn sher fdakes seeing blood on the carpet and trhows it as he's looking and fakes taking it

son comes in the hidden passage and meets lady and asks where blonde is and she sez upstairs wirth her revived husbnand and nephew i eman son wants rto ice nephew despite being cousins

dr sez to have a close friend be by nephew when he wakes up and as blonde is asleep, the maid has em calls hisn "best friend" who's name is in blonde sbook: the butt buddy

butt buddy dont wanna come and dick goes out to see burtt buddy

dick coems by this butt buddys  place and meets his vallet who was a crook but butt buddy gave him a chance

dick knows butt buddy is in love with blonde as theres all this art of her around and a knife is missing

sick calls guard and is k o ed by vallet who hangs up

guard is an irish which would be indian if this was made today and he calls the cops to check it out the butt buddys place

butt buddy is there in the b--ch house and worruyes if nephew will know anything when he wakes up and nephew wakes up a bit

nurse goes to get doc and butt buddy locks the door and nephew wakes up

nephew sez he'd turn butt buddy to the cops for trying ti ice him but buttr buddy draws a knicve like hes yami marik in the uncut yugioh

he's show iun the hand from behind and a guny runs off andf wait its a cop who capped him and is still there

doc checks on nephew and they hear the tomb alarm and b--ch walks by the window

nephew blacks out b4 telling em who did it and bites it

they go to da tomb and butt buddy slaps a cop and runs across thew balnony as coppps follow

in the tomb is no b---ch and dick proves blonde is not sleeping b7 tapping acane until she complains and asks for a smoke

nowadays that would be chrsonic

she tries flirting with him and he sez he found the cane on the balcony and dont know weho did the hits

she comes on to him and he sez hes in love with hsi work and notes shes in a nightgown and suspects she didnt take the sleep water

he takes the blanket to analyze it for sleep water and butt buddy coimes in and wants her to smooch him

she dont want it and butt buddy reveals that she was behind it all and she screams for help

he sez no one is in earshot and he loves her too much but son comes in and stranges him as she sez she loves son

she grins like a supervillian as biutt buddie bites it and dick and guard find the hidden passage, which is shot with a moving cam and is pretty cool

they find b--ch cold as ice and plaster and lady there and dick puts it all together

he sends guard to check the passage and son is coming toward blonde to b0ne her but she calls for help and the dick and guard run

she is carries of like in the cabinet of dr caligari to the tomb and dick and guard see the butt buddy with a snapped ne k

in the tomb the devolved son tries to b0ne her, kinda like in murders in the rue morgue the following year, and blonde pulls the toimb alarm

devolvo starts making out with her and getting on her and dick comes in and slugs him off

he looks like mr hyse dfrom the 30s dr jeckyl

dick gets him from behiund and cjhaok holeds him as cops come and the other cops come and cuff his a55

blnmde is alive and outs devolvbo for icing the butt buddy and el devolvo is taken away

later cop is with blonde whos going off after all the wackings and sez shes botha  genious and killer but cant prove it

he knows she had 1 hit aftyer another to cover it and wonts to know who's next and she sez him cuz hes the only one who went against her, but she loves him for it and sez he loves her

guard brings in a plaster mask of the b--ch and sez she moved the bodyy and make the mask to scare nephew to h ee double england and didnt have time to move the body back

sdhe sez its lady who could have dfone it and he sez her butt buddy made it as hes a scupltor and she got her fingerprints in it when it wasn't fully dry

guard takes it to hq to test the prints and she tries to seduce him to go orff and live in sin

he sez yes and they'll go togethr, to the police station!

the end

that was pretty good

nice who done it

good twists

they shjow whos' behind it but it keeps your interest as you wanna know how they nail the perp

good filming and editing and the acting is kinda proto but nicew

i think my mexican friend who likes android 18 would like this blonde cuz shes kinda thicc and he likes blondes

its a nice film and has some good camera work that makes it seem cool

Glad i watched thius. Its worthy

for Murder By The Clock 2 i want it to be a trial and focus on te cops convicting her in a court of law, also we see more men she seduced and ruined and her past comes back for her. its also an 8 buit sega maSTER SYSTEM, GAME GEAR, NES, GAMEBOY, TH16 AND 1TARI JARUAR AND LYNX GAME WHERE YOU (get f'd caps lock! suck my 7 inch uncut slavic man thing!) go around various levels through dangerous 30s cities to find the guys who were ruined by her in the rotting cities of fdr,s america and fight the commies after you for being a cop.

Sunday, February 20, 2022

Manfish Review

 Note: I spewll like im a hybrid of man andfish

Manfish

This is my review on Manish from 1956 (50 years b4 Transformers Season 3 in America)

Its based on the Edgar Allen Poe Syories The Gold Bug and The 120 Days of Sodom, I mean The TellTale Heart

Its directal by William Lee Wilder who did  The Snow Creature and this film waS CAlled calypso in some places

It stars John Bromfield from Rope of Sand, Lon Chany Jr from The Wolf Man, Victor Jory from A Midsummer Night's Dream and Gone with the Wind, Barbara Nichols from Ther Twilight Zone, and a buncha guys In never heard of

I never saw this b4 but my dad has a collection book of Poe and the ClaSSICS Illustrated Comic Book

so after 1 logo we get the title and credits over a guy scubadiving

then its a base in soviet jamacia aND an insdpector comes in and wants to extridite a guy but theres medical reasons not to

the army guy ztarts telling a story he sez will be strange but wondewrful like the carribean

then we see island life and a guy and his fam walking while singing and playing on guitar

army guy and a p-m- loking guy come by this guys plasce and p-mp sez he wants the money this ghuy owes him or hes taking his ship

don't give up the ship!

ower goes off and his men want payment and asks where this captain is at a bar

he finds the captain brannigan (zap brannigans ancestor?!) and  sez he needs captain to pay him and captain sez he will

so owner pays his men and they'll go out tomorrow aand then we see a chick singing in an islanf bar

captain lost a game or bet or something and sees a chick who's the professors woman (Like gilligans island??)

professor gets ANOTHER DRINK AND CAPTAIN HIS ON P WOMAN  but prpofessdor comes back and they fight but captain grabns his arm hard

army guy sez for professor to leave the island and p man sez he's gonna kill captain 1 day

also army guy tells p man to leave his woman at home like shes his bet

later its day and captain and owner are boating and he sends his men to scuba dive

To me, the ocean is frigfhtening

Its a boundless abyss of monsters and water pressure

They lose your body there.\, it aint coming back

might as well be in space

plus the sea daemons that are sighted around

So divers csatech a turtle and send it up but captain sees a shark and goes in to save hisd men

normally, shgarks dont like eating people, see sharkwater extinction for more

so da divers caugfht abnouther turtle to b0ne but ditch it and escaper and captain fights the shark with a trident and gets on da boat

cap[tain sends his men back down and tells off owener for stepping out of line and thery clash over owner OH OF--K THATS LON CHANY GX being in love with the boat

nowadays theres actual people who fall in love with itwems anbd go on The Learning Channel to normalize their deviasncy

like guys who b0ne cars

so da divers se a sleleton holding a bottlre thats holding its arm up even though theres no connective tissue and the divers coime up

captain goers in, gets da bottle and comes up and breaks it open to find a paper note ND a ring

so then its night and theres dancing biut not breakdancing aas this isnt the 80s yet and lon trys toi get the divers to stay working for him despite no pay by giving them bottles

lon meets captain and sez the ring is like the p mans ring and theres a french note on the paper no one can read

at leasat its not cansadian french, thats like tasslking like a homie

yoyoyo dizz awg, lemmy ax u diss, iz u ahh ite hizz omie? wiggle wiggle blicketee black!

And if I put that on a job application, they HAD to accept it or it would "violate" my "rights"

so captain goes top his room and talks with his woman and has her read the french note

the note s a riddle of a treasure and they make out for a sec but he goes to the bar with a chick singing of da carribean and has rum

spoiler; alcohal is dangerous like smoking or drinking or b0ninbg a lot of guys

then gets lon and goes to an island w//o the divers as lon is a savant whjo is a skilled pilot

is this like of mice and men?

captain askss where professor is and meetsdd i think p woman and proofessor shoves her into his house

captain asks where professor got his ring and sez he found 1 like it and has a note he wont show prosefsre

p man came from england 5 years ago and sez he found the ring in the coral; area and captain sez he better be telling da trooth

later captain goesa scubaing and p man is lurking around with an item

he goes under water with sas speart gun and goes after captain

he eventually fires but misses anbd swims away and captain chases

eventually they catch and spoastically fight for a while but com,e to the surcafe and fight more

had he brought a knife he cpould've shanked him

p wo man comes by and gives captain the other note but p man sez they can't find it w/o his help

so theyboat off onward and captain smokes as p man drinks and captauin canb;'t figute it out

p man sezthe note is from an oscure pirate who was a nerd and has math sh-t to make a code that you need both parts of the map to do

being the bad guiy; p man speaks frenchj and translates the note and its in a  poem code thing

p man sez the part saying walk backwards means you gotta read the map backwards and he'd tell him the rest when he'sd ready and even after finding the treasure, captain wont be abl;e to ice him

captain sends lon to get a few days supplies and captain nearly seduves p woman biyt captain gets her and shoves her a55 away as sghe's a gold digger

so later p woman has captain see p man but p man burned the map and memorized it so they can't ice him

didnt transformers do that withm Chip having info on the Anto Matter thing?

p man has em go tpo this island and p man sez the marker that should be in this wwater thing is gone

they go on abd eventually find a skull they gotta drop AA LINE FROM the eye of it

lon climbs and drops a rope and it has the left eyed skull ring on it and p man puts hhis right eyed skull dragon to it and it points due south like that gross guy show, paul gross

they go on and captaimn nearly shanks p man but p maN SEZ HE MIOGHT BE LYING AND THEY CAN FIND IT FASTER IF HE HELPSD EM DIG

THE Captain and the lon dig AND capain oi mean p man dont help

they find the treasure and captain sez to have lon go back but p man sez if lon goes, captain will ice him

captaiun offers lon the boat called the manfish as he dont want ANY WITNESSES And lon dont wanna let professor bite it as he may be a c-ck sucker,m buit he dont deserve to be iced for it

whaty next? laws against name calling?

kid: teacher! billy called me a ding dong! call the police!

Teacher: tyoiu are a ding dong!

kid: nooooo! (Dies from damage of name calling)

so p man sez caaptain can't ice him as theres more treasure and this is just the 1st and in the box isd another map to the next one

aND the key to this maop is in the 1st map which only exiosts in his memory

like mad max how he exists only in his memoroes

so they go back and as captaiun domnt wanna fill in the hole,m it proves he was gonna murder p man and they go back on what looks like the same beach that p man lioved on but w/o people

the trees look identicle and the beach looks familliar where they boat off

so on da boatte captain shows p woman the treasure and lets her keep a piece

p maN WANTS TO drop the treasire of but cap[tain wont go back until they have it all as he dont wanna risk p man running offf

p man convinces em to head back wjhere neither of captain or p man will go off a boat and they'd use some treasure for supplies

p man puts a metal thing in a cloth or w/e and later captain takes back the treasure he gave to p wo man wwhen shes asleep

then p man puts a metal thing in a place on the ship and the ship comes by an island and they decide what coinss to sell

if they sell 1800s gold coins the mallcontentrs might get onto em and lon goes off to sell em

the p mnans chick is named alita like the basttle angel andf she goes with him and p man thinks he might get thousands for this tresasure and a million for the next one

on dda ship p man works on the map and captain shines a blade sayinghe may be happy with just 25 000 and might not need a 1 million

p man writes on the paper and runs and captain reads it saying "i told you i'd kill you" and when he tturns, p man has a spear gun and nails captain with it in da torso

p man drags his body up and isgonna throw it in the sea to be b0ned by gay dolphins but a cop is there and he hhiodes it under a cover

a diver comes by and wants to be paid and will wait until he comes by

soto get him away he tells diver to go insuide and get money and p man steals from p man and gives it to him when he comes up

other diver isn't paid and sends for hisd friend to come by and get the moneuy aas lon chats with alita over if captain likes her and lon sez women ain't good luck (which is racist!!!! Racvist against the female race!! hate crime!!)

other diver comes by aand p man pays him and sends em off, then starts tying the body but hides it when another boat comes by

p man sez he''s waiting for captaiun and a boat needs to use captains scale

it nearly finds the body by it but misses it and the boat will be working til nightfall

at night in da bar a guy saez captain will lose the boat but the guy who's gonna reposses it will give lon a joib as he likes him

lon sez captain zap brannigan will get the money and alita shows off her gold ring captain gave her to captains woman

so its night and the boat finished work but b4 p man can duump the body, which i think would sstart to swell up from rot, captains gf comes by saying  she wants to see him

he sends her off and tries top get something to keep it down but it falls in and he trys to get it out

he throws the metal tank over and it drags the body down and as we see it sink some scenees are clearly in daylight but that wou;dn't work in color

he has a smoke but the air tank he sent under is bubbling and he starts going a bit nuts

he hears a guitar guy singer asnd goes in and ties the treasure box up

the lon gets 300 dollers for the treasure and can get more if captain has more

The lon and the alita come back and p man sez captain took the treasure and ran off but even brain damaged lon knows it wrong as Had captain left, p man woul;d follow

p man trys to get lon to go and have the boat but lon dont buy it

later this p-mp looking guy from b4 comes by with captaiins womaan looking for captain

p man sez ccaptain went to nasa andkeeps hearing the bubbling andlon notices 1 scuba tank is gone

he goes in and ssees captain ttied to the tank and cuts him free where he floats up

they get the body up and arrest a fleeing p man who claims captain was gonna ice him and offers em money

alita asks captains woman if she loved captain but she sez he owned her money

lon giives p-mp the money he made from treasure and is given ownersship of the voat

he brings the divers back and they motorboat out with the treasuire box on a rope behind it

the propellor cuts the rope as lon pulls it up and the box sinks to the sea

The end

That was pretty good 

nice 50s movie with good twists and characters

good acting and effects

It dont need swearing or gore or b0ning to be cool

and Lon Chaney gets a happy ending for once

Glad I saw it

It golds up

i mean holdds up

f--k and p-ss

For Manfish 2 I wand Lon Chaney II and his crew to come actoss a mysterious sea creature and its revealed to be an Ithyosaur who survived all these years after Noah'sd flood, but an evolutionish professor wants to use it to fake evolution being real, So lon chaney gt(or is itr Z?) has to help it escappe the scientists and theior goons. Its also an 8 bit Sega Mastyer System, Game Gear, nes, Game Boy, TG16 and Atari 7800 and Lunx game where you play either beat em up levels as Lon Chaney, or swimming level;s as thew creature ans in the end: fight the scientist in a giant monkey mech that turns into a humanoid forme to fake evolution

Thursday, February 17, 2022

The Conquering Power Review

 Note: I spell powerful bad

The Conquering Power

This ius my review on Thje Conquering Power from 1921 (99 years before Transformers Super God Masterforce and 1011 years before Robotech II The Sentinels)

It sdtars Alice Terry from The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, The Prisoner of Zenda and Scaramouche, Rudolph Valiontino from most of thoise I njust said, Ralph Lewis from The Avenging Conscience, he Birth of a Nation, Intolerance and the 20s Dante's Inferno, Carrie Daumery from He Who Gets Slapped, Ducvk Soup aND qUEEN cHRISTINA, Bridgetta Clark from The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Eric Mayne from The Prisoner of Zenda, Edward Connelly from the films i mentioned at the start plus the torrent and The Student Prince in Old Heidelberg, asnd some 1800s guys io never heard of

its based on the 1800s novel Eugenie Grandet by Honoree de Balzac tthat I never read

Itsd directed by Rex Ingram who did The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, The Prisoner of Zenda and Scaramouche

i never saaw this b4 but its got Valentino and is based on a book so imma try it

after creits we get text saying its about love being an all conquering power and commercialism sez this is not cool but they'rew gonna show us

so this banjkers kid charles gradet (imma call him chuck cuz he likes to f--k) had a good life in soviet france and is 27

hes into annet whos the prettiest woman in paris, which i guess means she shaves her pits

at a party chicks dance and theres gaiujin and chucks dad com,es back on chucks burthday to see the party

they pill string in a fountain and 1 guy egts a biplane and the rest get boats

wasnt this in the 1800s?! the phoenix wright brothers weren't evenb born yet!

dad gets a banmk letter saying they can't advance the money he wanted cuz opf issues and chuick who i think is valentino kisses his dads cheecks cuz hes european and sez "i didnt expect you back so soon"

I assume in the book it was a secks party and they were all b0ning

dad isnt doing well and sez its been 25 years since he saw his brother charles(i thoughty valentimno was charles) and he wants to settle things b4 he bites it and goes to h-ll where the frenchies came from

dads bro has a daughter and then we arte shown the dad bro village where this super rich fam lives nand this rich guy is begged by a scuzzy frenchie for more time to pay back his loan as his woman is sick

rich guy sez he cant wait and the scuzz bucket goes off

dads bros daughter coemsa home and is happy qas its her b day so dadf bro gives her a gould louis for each year shes alive

dad bro is the rich guy and likes his daughters blonde goild hair like sailor venuis or rangiku matsumoto or Nami Koishikawa

dad bro weights a thing on a scale and this devolved frenchiue chicck maid looks on like she's autistixc or something

i think dad bro isn't rich but just works fdorf the rich guy as he sez hes gettign wine for daughters b day but will have to cheap out the rest of the week

wine actually is dangerous and causes cancer or the mouth and tongue and jaw and throat, as does getting f'd in the mouth

devolved frenchie chcik maid stumbles down the stairs and nearly breaks the bottle and these fancy guys dressed like the monopoly guy come by and are gay for the daughter

a guy comes by in a car(which they totally had in the 1800s) and it sold there's a huge castle owned by the rich guy but he lives in the village

at this gathering, oh its chicks birthday and dad bro sez they are after his gold as they wanna be with his daughter

1 frenchie looks slimy andss sneaky and kisses her had with a mouth that totally never sucked his own d0ng

valentino comes by and sez hes charlkes and is bro dads nephew

i think dad bro is the rich guy who owns the village

valentino kisses his cousins hand and totally isnt gonna inbreed with her, i mewan its not like theur're french!

dad bro gets a note from dad saying sdorry and he wants to reconsile but by the time dad bro rerads tyhis, he's gonna be hdead

also dad ran outta dough and i think ate his gun or something and says he wishes dad bro would be a dad to valention

devolved frenchie brings in a fire and warming pan and dad bro gets p-ssed for treatung valeinto like a cripple

we get a cool scene of a guy lighting a candle in a dark room with light in the window, and when its lit the room is different in a jump cut

guy is dad bro reading the note again and the next daythe news of valentinoes dad eating his gun gets out and valentino is outta dough

he dont care about that as he's too bummed about his daD GOING BACK TO H E DOUBLE FRench canada and dad bro sez hes gonna look after him

chick comforts jhim, and and dad bro tells off some dude for suggesting his daughter would marry her cousin

whats the big deal? its natural! Animals do it! If we weren't meant to marry oiur cousins then why are we attracted to em? Love it love! You can't help who you love! don't be a biggot! Hate Speech! Intolerance! No h8!

later dad bro sez to rudolphe that he found a way to clear his dads name and i think rudy went to his dads service

at nighty dad bro counts his gold behind a brick wall to find a way to make money from his broters f ups

chick gets up and comes down and finds valintino sleweping in a chair and putting his blanket on him more

she rteads a note he wrote saying he has ernough money for a trip to the andes and isn't worthy of her and will leave her forever aND can't handle living in the same place as her as hes into her

chick gets some item and shows him and she asks to be forgiven as until today, she didn't know then value of money and now sees its meant to bring happiness

oh its money and he brings his case of his best items that his mom gave him that he treasres and lets gher keep the gold case until he can pay her back

dad bro com,s by with a shotgun and she goes back to her room before he catches em

the cousins grow closer like in Sailor Moon how Amara and Michelle were cousins, except they were totally not in love or anything

the dad bro has fixed up the stocks or had them fixed up or something and sees videl or calentiono coming on to his daughter and waNTS TO send valeninto out

dad bro makes valeintino sighn a paper and vvalintino goes up and smooches his cousin on the mouth andf she gives him her cross necklace and he leaves

elsewhere in some 3rd world jungle place; vanintinoe writes to his cousin and says her gold got him land he made better and now the gov bought it and will ghhive him a high post so he is gonna pay her back

Then gets a letter from dad bro who sez cousin is getting married and valentino shouldntn write her anymore

he's shocked and bummed by this and rips up a letter and feels her cross on his neck

then its cousins b day again and she hasn't heard from valintino since he left and the scuzzy guy sexz his woman biut it cuz of dad bro who nearly beats him with hsi stick

dad bro comes home and wants cousins goild as gold value went up and he wants to invest it but she sez she hid it and dont wanna part with it

he thinks she's just bing money wise and is glad but sez he can double it but when she reveals irts gone he spazzes out and nearlyy strangles her over gold

what is this? Erich Von Stroheums Greed? wait! This came 1st!

he implies she may have b0ned her cousin and he beats out a worker and drags her to her room and locks her in there

oh f the chick he beat dead wwas his wife! and the town talks about how the rich dad bro is going nuts

his greed has devolved him mental and he obsesses over da gold

what next? hge has his man thing removed and replaced with a gold item?!

he hides it in da floor and his butler tells him he's gotta snap outta it as the town is gossiping of him

as oppposed to when its the media making up sh-t about Michael Jackson as he had the rights to the music the record companies wanted

also butler says he's the only one who knows cousin is not his blood child as he got his fortune from his wifes ex husbands estate and cousin can demand a division of the riches and property if she knew

butler drew up papers for her to sigh to secure everything as he wants the families to be united

bro dad ghoes to cosuin and sez sorry and he wants her to sign something

she signs it in the basement and when bro dad and butler leave, she finds the letter s valentino made and reads em

she hides em in her shirt and bro dad comes back and takes the ones she didnt hide back

they yell at each other over doing wrong and he chases her out and looks through huis papers as she reads the note in the garden

he accidentallyt locked himslef in and trys to break out but does jack sh-t and jack is off

she reads a letter askinmg if she forgot ofg him and feels for him and bro dad is tyormented by the ghost or vision or w/e of the scuzzy guy who he wronged

h throws sh-t at him and it goes through him and the valinteinoes dad ghost accuses him of strealing from his son and his wifes ghost accuses him of stealing from her daughter

he spazzes out and in his gold basket he sees twisted hands coming out and spazzes out and then sees the hands coming from the door hole

kinds like that lois webber movie or greed

he breaks a window and the hands are there and tyhen sees the walls closing in on him

this is all in his head right? i mean its not actually happening, right?

this goblin looking spirit of gold appears before him and sez dad bro searched for him all his life and now it has him

dad bro tried to pick up his safe but it crushes him and the daughter and devolved maid come in and find him

chick gets all the money and now needs a husband but years later she still aint got 1

valentino comes back and after being in the colonies (like in gundam??) has riches and maybe a wife

she announces an engagement to some guy but as the papers are being drawn up, valindino comes back and sez he was told by bro dad that she married

the gross guys who wanna marry her look out and see her making out with her cousin and are bummed

the end

That was pretty good\

unless they changed the time period, the cars and planes seem like Castlevania 64 where they have chainsaws and motorcycles in the 1800s

its got nice acting and twists

good effects and style

tells a good story

Glad I saw it

And its only like an hour long

Worth a Watch

For The Conquering Power 2 I want them to be married but the vioillagers are unhappy he married his cousin, so they have a courtroom drama where they argue wwhether Samew Family Marriage should be allowed, Also its a 32 bit PS1, Sega Saturn, N64, and GBA game where you play as the Lawyer argueing either for or AGAINST the couple.

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

The Texican Review

 Note: I spell American like the most American state: Texas!

The Texican

This is my review on The Texican from 1966 (20 years befiore the Sega Master Systemn camwe out)

its directed by Lesley Selander who did nothing I saw

It sdtars AudIe Murp[hy who turned down Sergio Leone's A Fistful of Dollars  as its just a copy of Kurosawa's Yojimbo, Antonio Casas/Antonio Molino Rojo/Aldo Sambrell/Frank Brana/VĂ­ctor Israel from the good the bad and the ugly, Gerard Tichy from Doctor Zhivago and the 60s King of Kings, and many european mexicans

I never saw this b4 but audie is good often

so it starts w/o logos or credits and audie and his goon come to this guy in the hilly wastelands and says that his good is an escaped prisoner he took back

audie has a price on his head in America and they are at the river boarder and if he goes there he';s getting arrested

then he rides off to music and credits and title

then its edited to look dark and these guys talk about 1 getting out of the area and 1 being a newspaper editor who wants to get rid of luke starr

the non reporter dont wanna do it and go but luke comes in and confronts emn and caps the newspaper guy

kinda like how those who the gov don't like has em silenced in commie candy a55 cluntries like england or canada

the other guy is let go but is capped as he rides off then fixes things to look like they iced each other

later its day ands the mexicans play a game of throwing rocks and firecrackers or something

then these 2 mexicoes get in a street fight and the bigger one beats the othewr one out

audie helps the beat up guy and they talk about a town that's f'd up and violent like soviet california

in f--ktown audies bro got iced and he's bummed and audie is gonna go back despite having a mexico chcik who don't want him to go

he wants to avenge his bro and rides across thhe river and to a sh-t town bar and turns down a poker game

he goes on and talks to a guy who wants to buy audies horse but audioe dont consent

then a bounty hunter and friened comes by and wants to bring in audie as he needs the money for his wife

they draw and audie caps both of em and his bounty hunter homie survived and audie stops him from pulling a knife

bounty hunter warns audie others will be after him and audie leaves him weith a shot leg

later these guys test their might by shooting cans and luke starr walker comes by and sez audie is coming and he ran audie out w/o a gun once b4 and now wants to wack him

but instead of doing it himself, he sends his minions and they go out and open fire on him in a hilly wasteland as he books it

he eventually comes toi an empty place with saddles and gets out money but as he takes it; a chick comes out wih a shotgun

she finds the money and its 40$ for a 10$ saddle and he sez he had to ride bareback as he left in a hurry

she is nice to him and lets him buy the saddle and he goes off to f--ktown and its fancy

he goes to a hotel for a room and the sign in thing is full of dust

after he signs in the owner recognizxes his name and is freaked out and trys to get him to leave but audie dont wanna

owner sez lkuke skin licker won't like it as he owns the hotel and audie goos oofn as everyones afraid of him

audie confronts luke star and starr leaves saying "if you want someone to ice ja, find someone else"

1 guy called frank grady like the names of guys from the dub of yugioh 5Ds, says to meet him in half an hour to tell him of his brother

in his office the frank sez audies brother was the reporter iced in a "gunfight" and how reporter didn't use guns

audie don't care what happens with the f--ktown as long as he avenges his brother and a chick walks him out and they chat and flirt

after audie goes, luke ringo starr comes by and knows chick and i think owns her as a gf or butt slave

audie rides off and checks the place his reporter bro got iced aNDS FINBDS A DEVOLVED LOOKING GUY ALL SPAZZED OUT before he bites it

audie senses something and runs out as guys fire on him and he hhides behind cover, thern after a cmmerfcial, he's in town after dark and meets a guiy he saved who now sellz booze and works with luke starre

they go into the bar and see chicks dancing and 1 throws a clkothing piece to audie

audie talks with boozer and how luke starr was p-ssed at how reporter said something about him in his paper

b4 he tells audie what it was, boozer coems to a poker game and this goon comes to tell audie not to f with the ringero starr or booze guy and audie tells him off by saying "put that gun away or you;ll lose an arm"

chick and lukeo strarte tal;k about how she wants her piece of her dad sstake in the salloon but luikeas dont wanna make it wasy and have her as his woman

she dont consent to being b0ned by him and he's jealous of audsie

boozer is buummed that he's lozing at poker as he won last time and knows the badds are cheeting

chick stops to chat with audiuie about luke starr and a gunshot goes off

1 goon sez he was cleaning his pistol and it went off (like vronsky in anna kjarenina?) and we see that he iced boozer

audie and chick walk home and she sez she dont want him to be with her as he's a gunman but they smooch abnd like star sees it

she tells him her name so its not like seinfeld with that chick and audie goes to the shop his brother worked in and looks around with no words like a silent film

a cat jumps out like a bad horror movie and b4 he fdinds anything, lukio starre and his goons come in and they talk and audie walks out

later its day and the saddle chick comes by and chats with him about how she does LEATHE WORK which nowadays seems x rated

she's nnot looking for a man (la blue girl clip: oh so yoor a lezz bee ann? no won der you get prett ty h0r nee a round me, just kid ding!) and rides off

they she goes to see his brotehrs fiance and talks with her about him

later he's by the river and rides in ther waste lands like hokuto no ken and chick from b4 is out of control on her horse cart so audie stops em

man he gets a lot of potential chicks, he's like Sonic or something! Maybe Yuma or Jack in Yugioh!

later he sees a guy take out the booze guys body and follows but a guiinfight chase breaks out

the chased goon gets away and audie goes to the saloon to ask luke benit where the booze guy went but luke sez he aint seen him in a while

audie then fights the gonon from b4 and kicks hgis candy a55 but a big ghuy grabs and starts bear hugging him

audie breaks open and his guts spoill on the floor in a pile

jk really he nails him in the face with salt and beats him through a window

then audie talks with frank about how he and his bro helped people but the ones they helped were worse than the ones they saved em from

kinda like ww2 saving thre chin ese from japanm or the soviets from the germans, as both winning sides went on to be worse than the ones they fought

audie in his his room meets as woman who was the woman of the guy iced with brother in the alleged gunfight andf that he was really trying to escape luke starre

she wants to save audie and larry starr or w/e hgis name is sluygs out his goon for displeasing him

rthe next day he faces chick and auddie over thinking they b0ned and audie chats with lukas over how if ayuduis dont get outta town, he's dead meat

audie meets saddle girl and then chats with a guy ove rthe wacking of his brother and the other guy

he goes to meet the coroner and chatrs with saddle chick over this evidence of a gunbelt with the name of luke starr on it

then audie faces the lukas geroege aartn guys in a dust storm and wastes em in a no damage run

then goes into the salloon and faces starr who denies having sent em and is playing poker

he joins in and shows him the gunbelt thing and sez he found it under the body of the gun who was iced at the start

but a guy behinmd audie in the window has him at gunpoint and takes audie captive

audie slugs out the gun holding him and chick throws himm and gun so he caps him and another guy

btw thhis is in widescreen and colored

audit caps like startr and he falls through the banister like in all westerns and it looks like its cr-ppily made as it just fell apasrt

chick offers to go with audie and awhen he sez he wont, she sez she'd wait for him

they smooch and he goe off on a new advenmture like Adol Christian in Y's

The end

that was pretty good

nice story and acting

good style and filming

good writing and chartacters

well done western that has good pacing and doesn't drag

For The Texican 2 i want him to have been caught by a pack of roaming cannibals in the wasteland and they have their rituals to prepare to offer him for sacrifice to their cannibal god, so he sends a prayer to ask for help and an Angel arrives at the town and has the chick who loves him come after him to save him from the cannibals weith a holy guin that never runs out of ammo and fires holy blasts. also its an 8 bit Run and Gun game like Zillion 2 on Sega Master system, Nes, TG16, Game Boy, Game Gear and Arari Lynxc and 7800 where you play as her and battle to save him from the cannibal territory.

Monday, February 14, 2022

Prom Night 4 Deliver Us From Evil Review

 Notwe: I spell like a dumba55 teen on prom night

Prom Night 4 Deliver Usd From Evil

RTghius us my review on Prom Night 4 Deliver Us From Evil from 1991 (The year Sonic 1 Came out)

its the 4th in the prom night series and thre 3rd in ther Mary Lou alone Trilogy

From Night 1 hadf nothing to do with the others and was a normal slasher

Prom Night 2 was a psupernatural haunting moive aboiut mary lou coming back

prom night 3 was a horror comedy about mary lou going after this guy

and prom night 4 is a supernatural slasher

Itdts directed by Clay Borris who did eps of The Adventures of Sinbad

It stars Nicole de Boer from Metal Tornado, Joy Tanner who was Candy Kong in the 90s Donkey Kong show and was Fionas momm on Degrassi, Fab Filippo from the queer canadian show Sort Of and Buffy in the 90s, and some othewr guys i never saw

btw tyhis is fullscreen and in color

so after logos, we get credits over a chu8rch and this guy asking The Lord for help to save the sl-ts

then its hamilton huigh in 1957 and the prom night mary lou gets it and thiese whitye straight 18 or older living human teens flirt and gom off to b0ne and smoke

another  couple comes through after they b0ned and theww 1st couple goes to their car to b0ne

but then the priest comes by and wastes em, then puts nthe car on fire and it blows

then at this religious place; the priest is in a cave and whipping himself and spazzing out

anothe rpriest confronts him and he has stigmasta adn is mental and i thinbk was b09ned as a kid

so the psycho prest was taklen away and now is 1991 adn this new teen becomes a priest and he's assigned to look after the psycho priest whos kept in a coma and chained to a bed

They say he's beyond salvation, which is not what the Bible teaches

So at high school the main chick talks with her bf at lunch and then the head priest bites it and the youngere priest has to look after the psycho one

then this nun confronts this blonde and her bf over being in the backseat of a car and blonde sez "we were f--king sister"

Later she sez she's only gonna get 6 demerits for being out of uniforme

so at church the new piriest stops giving the psycho prtiest drughhs and cuts his extra hair so he looks like he did at the start

at this teens home, main chick and blonde chat about boys and back at the church; the new priest trys to help the psycho one but he gets out and new priest trys to book it

wait he gets the drugs and goes back to inject the psycho one but psychi  is back in bed and when her gets near, the psycho grabs his throat ands throws him on the stone wall

also he has stigmata and back at thwe teens place main chick is making out with bf and a bet male tyeen weatches

but she stops b4 they b0ne and bf smaks the beta malke whos his brotyherm i thiunk

at the church the new prist isnt dead and gets out of the basement  and calls the cardinel but is ised by psycho priest with a phone chjord

at teens place, the chicks wear sexy undies and blonde starts coming on to main chick like its a p0rn0

but shes just testing her as she read an article in a womans mag to see if her best friend is queer

so its prom night and the bfs are gonna leave tyhe beta male bro home alone to j-rk off all over the place so they can b0ne thewir gfs

the other priests fiund new priest and take him to his room to make it look like he suecided and 1 priest finds the new ones diary that says he didnt inject the psycho

so the teens are in a limo skipping their preom and say "to jamie lee cutris" who was in prom night 01 and psycho priest is picked up by a trucker

trucke=r wants to b0ne a chick and when he takes the Saviorts name in Vain, the prsycho says "Nopty Jesus" as he;'s frtom the 50s and they had more class back then

aslsdo this guy hasnt aged in like 30 years! Is he poilish or som ething?!

so psycho priest has iced the lusty trucker and the teens have told their rets they're going camping and go to their cottaGE OR W/E adn it used to be a church but was unused all winter so it smells

I thhink it was broke into b4 and they cant call the cops asa theiy aint supposed to be here so they decide to just make out and b0ne

theres someone outside looking in the window and sees the chicks going over what food is left and blonde dont like cooking cuz it makes her feel like shes married

good 1st person camerrA WOPRK like black chriostmas

in fact theres a lot of good moving camera shots and  lighting and scenary

so the chicks are eating and blonde goes out in her skimpy black dress in the snow and to a barn for fire wood

its got good atmosphere and style and lighting and darkenss

sher retuns but someones watchingn her and trhe guys have sexy black undiesd for the girl

oh its for main chick and shes not mad and goies to try em on

after puttinmmg em on, blonde comes up and they talk about guys and how main guy b0ning a lot of chicks and blonde sez "theres nothing worse than 2 virgins trying to f--k

does she suck her bfs d0ng witrh that mouth?1??

so the chicks come dowen in fphancy dresses and main gf likes her

at dinner they play a game wehere they tell each other their deepest darkest anus sectrets

main chick sez no matter how bad she did something, she'd confess to her priest

good for her. The only sin ur not forgiven for, is the one you dont confess

so we dont get the other guys secrets and the teens dance to saxophone music

main chick goies to get wine in the celler and finds some weird thign and drops a wine bottle and walks on it and bf comes to help her

so bvlonde is b0ning her bf i think and someones wandering the house and main bf treats chicks feet

then says "i';ll be righ back" and goes to get sh-t

didnt you see scream?!

psycho priest calls her and sez he knows shes a wh=re and when bf comes back she sez she got an obscene phone call

Whgatr is this? Black Christmas?!

So blonbde and her bf are b0ning and bwe dont see her nips or his hot dog but i think in the uncut ver we see butt crack

beta male bro is watching in the bushes and pasycho priest grabs him and crusahes his head with his bsare hands

later blonde gets outta bed and hears something but in bed the prist grabs her

turns out its her bf with wine glass in his mouth aas hes carrying too much making the sounds amnd he cxant get in

So they unlock the door and can't find da blonde and look around for her for a while

of cource they split up and 1 guy uses a candle as light and fginds an upside down cross (Which is not evil but was used by Saint Peter, the Jewish Pope when he was executed for not being PC)

1 guy, i cant tell who, is grabbed and his head slightlky ncrushed by the psycho priests are hands as he prays The Lords Prayer

the main chick and her bf cant find anyone and check the attic and find lots of candlles and blood around

theyt walk around and i guess shes over the stepping on brioken fglass anmd they go out and find the bodies of their droogs on crosses that catch fire for no reason

they run back inside and theres no places around for 20 miles and the phones ddont work

she gets the operator to call da cops and bf gets a gun and when he gets back hew seesmprist aboiut to shank her with a metgAL BLADE cross

he caps  priestr who walks it off and walks after him as he runs as she runs out and fginds bera brother in the snow

bf gets on da roof and prtiest stabs the ceiling to try to get him so bf shoots the roof

priest stabs bfs foot and he falls off buyt catches himself fdor a few seconds, only to fall and probably bite it

she freaks oput and priest is there somehow and she ruyns around da house and hides in the wiice celler

ppriest come in and stand around for a while and she sneaks out and locks him in

he gets out and looks for her and shes undder the sink and face sdprays him with cleaner and runs

she gets the gun and loads it and gets a call from the cops but psycho knows shes on the phone someghow and sez "its in the handss of The Lord" and eventually she runs out and fires at nothing

shge runs to the barn and when he comes in she caps huim

she says to the Lod sorry and priest comes back anbds sprays fire around her and she fight s him with a shovel as he burns in the burninfg barn

she gets out and traps him in with the shovle across the dfoor like in The Patriot with Mel Gibson and lays in the ground crying

then the next daY THE AMBILACNE COMES BYN AND A PRIEST DOES THE ASIGN OF NTHWE CROSS FOR PRIWST posychi and is eyesd open and the main chicks eyes open fiercely

the end

gaffer brad harder!? what is this?! gay xxx?~!

thaT WAS pretty good

the fiilm style reminds me of Black Robe which was also from Soviet Canada

Good flow and feel and it dont drag

Good pacing and style with nice camera and lighting

its omne of the better of these prom night movies

I DIDNT CARE MUCH FOR 1, BUT 2 ws good 80s supernatural horror and 3 had good horror comedy

plus 2 had the sailor moon cast swearing and getting nude

this was a good teen horror and has nice work on it

its not the nnumbewr one ultimate but its got some nice moments and thew chatacters are good

The Prom night series was a nice one and i saw thee 00s version but dont recall much of it

This is a good turn of the decade 90s film and its worth a watch

For Prom Night 5 I want the chick and the priest to get out of the hospital and go around iciing poeple and the church sends a bada55 holy warrior to take em on. also there are raging atheists attacking him as they dont like him wearing a cross and he has to beat the evil outt em. Its also a 16 bit 2 player beat em up on Sega Genesis, Snes, TG16, Atari Jaguar andf GBA where you play as these bada55 muscley holy warriuiors, who are a married couple who are super Catholic and dress like WWF Wrestlers. Alsoi after beating the evil out of the chick and the prist, they fight the daemon that had them and gotta kick it back to h e double california

Sunday, February 13, 2022

Postal Review

 Note: I spell better than this moive wASA reviewed

Postal

This is my review on Postal from 1007 i mean 2007(the year Transformers Season 4 the Rebirth happened)

Its directal by Uwe Boll who is pretty much hated but I enjoyed a few of his sh-ts

It stars Zack Ward from A Chtrristmas Story (Good f--k! Did he get arrested for anime p0rno and needed money bad?!) Dave foley from A Bugs life, VChris Coppola from Spawn and Ringmaster, Jackie Tohn from Jem and the Holograms The Movie, j K Simmons from Spider Man 03, Vern Troyer from The Masked Rider, Larry Thomas from Seinfeld as the Soup Nazi, David Huddleston from Blazing Saddles, Seymour Cassel from Stealing harvard with Tom Green, Ralf Moeller from Glasdiatore, Michael Pare from The Lincon Lawher, Erick Avari rom Indepentece day ands the Glass House AND The Master of Disguise, Lindsay Hollister from Law and Order SVU(Its like p0rn0 with murder), Rick Hoffman fromThe Day After Tomorrow, Michael Benyaer from ReBoot as Bob, Carrie Genzel from The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, Mike Dopud from Maximum Overdrive, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever and Alone in the Dark, Richard Iasn Cox from Unuyasha and Bereaker High and some other homies i never heard of

Its based on a vbideo game that was banned in candy a55 countries for haviung violence in it even though those countriees histopries are FAR more violenty and el devianto

i never saw this b4 but i like cr-ppy movies so lets see if this is worth it

it starts wuth cvredits in the clouds and these guys gonna saxcrifice theirselves to get a bunch oif virgins and they talk about how many virgins they get

bob from reboot asks his boss hoi totally didnt work for the gov and he hears theres not many virgins left and they only get 20 so they decide to quit the kan=mikaze

but the passengers take over and the jet goes into the buildinmmg

then title and in a cr-ppy a55 trailer parkmain guy watches some funny comments as his ssbbw woman watches tv and b--ches

his milk went bad aND HE goes out to get some and steps in dog poop and the dog eats its own poop

that got me to laugh

this cowbow who looks liek a p0rn0 star sez yard poop is a trailer park violation and has a list of issues and he heard main guy b0ning his fat wife too loud

main guy mocksd cowboy fo being inbred and b0ning his sister and tells him he wasn't there when his wife was being b0ned

then we see a guy telling how space isnt real and the space missions were fake and at this convienence store is a group of religious malcontents base who dress like its their country

their gonna go on the offence when the thing they ordered arrives

main guy goes to work and on the wall is heads on sticks like its the 1800s under english reign  as its motivational and the fat chick from SVU is in the meeting

does Uwe Boll like fat chicks? I mean a lot of guys are into em, its pretty common

Look at my 600lb life how these huge girls have skinny bf's who feed and clean them

main guy sits in a chair and he applys for a job as his factory closed down and is kinda candya55 abbout it

he gets bquestions and most are cr-ppy and he cant take it ansd starts swearing at em

this gets him the job as his tiraDE MADE HIM BADA55, but then they say hes leading the list and theres 120 more guys to interview

thhey haver him sing their soul crushing company song and he hates the town

then theres a hippie convent and I think its a cult that hates America and the leader is in bed with a bunch of bimbos

the leaders n uymber 2 comes in and sends the bimbos out and sez they are low on money nd we see the leaders man thing and he takes a dump

turns out the irs wants their taxes as they didnt pay in years and ifd he doint pay 1.3 million he goes to jail

main guy walks and this guy wants money to take a bus to see his kids and as main guy dont got money; bus guy swears at tim for having a ghood job and car and house

then a cop car is stuck behiund an old asian lady who can't drive right and the gwerman cop says "she forgot her glass"

this sends the black cop into a tirade aboiuyt gaijin not learning english in an english speaking country, then regrets it and goes to hhelp her

she dont speak english or know that green light means go, which makes me wonder how she got a license, then again they gotta give it to gaijin or its "racist"

so he pulls it a shotgun (out of f--king thin air)and blows her back to h e double korea!

that made me laugh

by a coffee shop dick coxxx is in line in front of main guy and csan';t make up his mind so the coffee chick grabs his candy a55 and tells him off while givinbg him a normal coffee

main guy gets 2 lattes no foam and goes to see cult leader whos his uncvle and they chat about his hippie cult

leader got the idea from main guy to con these wieners and now he needs a partnet to get out of his money issues

in the past main guy was a wilder guy who 2x stole a flag from the govberners mansion but the 2nd time he got caught and cuz of a flag protection ammentment, gotn a record and couldnt get a college or joib good, so now he plays by the rules

so then main guy goes to the welfare office and 1 guy goes mental and pulls a gun as he had the wrong form and other guys start firingas the gov guys are behind billert proof glass(a commentary on socviety and gov, this moive is good now)

main guy gets numbers for who gets served next from the iced guys and a mall cop guard or w/e takes down the mental guy and beats his a55

he gets up to the window but they close(right after calling him) and he comes home tyo findhis wife being b0ned by the cowboy redneck

redneck comes out of the fat wifes room with a b0ner in his breifs and gets flour to use on her beer gut

main guy looks at his wedding photo before his womnan enfattened and goes out to call hhis uncle for a few hundred doillers to get outta town

bus guy coems asking for money and bus guy pulls a gun on main guy so main guy grabs it and bus guy pounches him to no effect

the gun goesd off and he wacks bus guy and main guy tells his unclem he's in

man we're like half an hour in

that felt like nothing

so then we get a message from the guy the ghoc said did ther building attak but its actually being filmed in the base in Amercia in the convienence store

he complains about howe the videos aint doing much nom one wants to kami kaze unless they get virginz

aslso he speaks without any accent and is liek a normal american, probably as he was trained by the gov and was never actually let go fromm their thing

the director sez they are gonna use these krotchy dolls the news was talking about a few times to ice people

So main guy beghs cult master for money to get out of town and unclen sez to let him butt hammer main guy

he's joking and sez he wantsa to sell krotchy dolls as an asian tanker of em sank with t\housands on it and 1 dioll sold for 4000$

Like beanie babies?!

So they are gonna jack the dolls from Little Germany and meanbwhile, outside the conviuewnence store bad guy base: the guy is basjhing President Bush Jr aND THE director of the bad guys wants the guy who said space is fake executed as hes onto em

main guy walks down the street as a chick is slugged out anbd stolen from and he goes to the conviuence strore and a bad guy comes out and hugs the space fake guy and blows

he buys something and goes by a wheelchair guy and moves him to the fence by a truick place and uses him like a ladder

after getting in he breaks into a truck with an item he got from the store and black cop who capped the korean c-ck sicker comes by saying "you got mu money" and brings him off in a van as main guy hotwires and bookss it in a truck

blackop brings wheelchair guy to his garage and puts a thing in his mnouth ands a blanket over him and leaves him in his garage for the night

cult master and main guy make a model of Little Germany and say their plan to jack the krotchy dolls using action figures and barbies

the bibmos like main guy as his actiuons are like the bible culkt master wrote for them and at the same time; the baddz are plnning to jack the krotchy dollz

Bush Jr calls the baddz leader about how baddz leader might wanna do an insurance claim after the oil pipeline gets f'd

then verne troywer is dropped off by bus 8 miles from the city and has to walk and the next day; the baddz are lost looking for the place to go to

in Little GHermany theres a lot of Gwerman Protpopcul;ture and WW2 refs andf its owned by Uwe Boll in a Cameo of himself like Tom Six Did in The Human Centipede 3

cuz a freighter went down with the krotcvhy dfolls, they only have em on sales in this park and the coffee chick is there as are the 2 cops and wheelchasir vegetable

Hih, according to wikipedioa: the gov banned Postal 2 in New Zealand, citing high levels of violent content and animal violence. Distribution or purchase for personal use is a criminal offense, punishable by up to 10 years in prison and a fine of $50,000.

10 years in jail and 50 grand for playing a game?! What is this?! The Soviet Union?!

blackop puts a hat on him and sends him on his way as Uwe Boll says he got his money from Nazi Gold and when e's in front of everyone he gets h0rny

So the cult master, main guy and some bimboes come out dressed sorta like nazies as the iinterviewer swears at his boss or w/e and there's a guy in a kortchggy doll suit that looks  like cartoonified man parts

Well, Uwe Boll IS German! Nudity isnt a big deal there, and much of europe

Just look at their art! Its all statues and paintings of naked men!

the bimboes come dressed with Hitler Moustaches and armbands and seduce the guards as the guys go in the building  with da dollz

Celeb guest Verne Troyer comes over as they ccouldnt get Gary Oldman I meanb Coleman and tthe bimboes move the krotchiue dsollz to da van

then the baddz come over and have weapons and the door in is locked

Uwe pays Verne with Gold Teeth from the camps and as the bimboes bring the doplls out; da baddz come in and the main guy and uncle cultor run as they tell cult second in command to cause a disterbance

he prays and the owner of postal the game gets p-ssed at Boll and fights him over f--kin up his game with a cr-ppy movie

I love how self aware this guy is

He knows people hate his films and he jokes of it

Glad to see he's not one of those elitist a55holes like leonardo decaprioi or jo a quin phoenux who whines about global warming, but takes a private jet across the earth to tell it

He's more like Mark Hammil as he has a sense of humor and don't takle himself super srs

So the guards pull the maKER OFF Boll and one of Makers droogs in a krotchy outfit pulls a gun and yells "For Video Games" and fires, hitting the wheelchair guy

The cops open fire and main guy got the gun and the cops and Boll open fire, hitting several kids

Then the baddz come in and open fire andd in the capping, Boll gets shot in the parts before saying he hates video games and dies

verne troyer puncxhes a kid in the parts while fleeing and drops his suitcase with a glow in the dark plastic d0ng and 2nd in command of cult packs him in it as verne turns on his plastic d0ng to light his way like gay p0rn0 rudolf

main guy runs into coffee chicxk and they escape to the truck and the badds try to drive but cantr find the keys

the cops chase the main guy truck and open fire on him for cappuing the vegetable as the baddz comer after them in a black car

the car chase rocks around the bimboes and main guy runs over the welfare chicvk who said they were close and she bounbces off several cars and the cops stop after nailing her and call in her bodfy as black cop is glad her didnt getta flat

at german land the reporters look at all the iced kids and 1 puts on a tackty show to feed off the damage while not caring of the victims

the main guy gets to the cult but the baddz took it over and didnt see em and 2nd cult commander sez theres an underground area there

they bring out verne and main guy goes thjrough topwn as the cops hold of a not matching pictuire of him and saying "he'sd known as postal dude"

they blamer him for stuff he didn't do like icing the asian chick they capped and 1 guy recognizes him aspostal dude and the crowd chases him, but the cops think its not him cuiz its not like the photo

he hides in the convienence store so he dont gotta clean the windows again and the crowd goes by

another black cop catches him buthe knocks him out and takes his outfit to sernd the crowd away

at the cult compand and sneaks around on the floor like A snake as 1 guy watches tv news saying comioc things

the cat comes by and he picks it up and uses it as a silencer by putting his gun up its butt to take out a guy

2nd in command and 1 bimbo upen the shelter area and cult leADER never knew of it

in it is supplies and weapons and is ready for the end times and cult leader bickers with verne

number 2 dont wanna sell the krotchy dolls as he wants to end the world

the badds say theres a buerd floo capsulers in the dolls and are gonna f up america with it and number 2 wants to use it to end the whole world

in cult leaders bible he wrote that as tiny entertainer will be raeped by 1000 monkeys and verner gets p-ssed and beats pon cult leader before breing thrown in a room full of monkerys in the base

the badds wanna do something but their leadert isin a leadership seminar 

cult leader is gonna go with number 2 and let everyone else bite it but number 2 misunderstood the cult bible anmd thinks he should take over

they make out violently and cult leader turns queer and is into fatties

number 2 caps him and he feels a chicks b00b to turn bi b4 he gets it

number 2 is gonna let main guy live til the flu gets him but he sez hes the only guy who knows where the truck is parked

number 2 is gonna find it himself and locks him in a room but main guy took something and macguyvers the wires and the thin he took to blow the door

the chix are gonna eat poiison browines when he gets back but main guy is gonna ice the badds and take ouitnumber 2

the chicks come with him and cap the baddz, which is a thing on american bikini babes vs guys who dont like women

the chicks decide to be chriatians and 1 makes out with him, then another aand 2 mins later; he armors up 

in town i think the grand dad from the wonder years is there talking about postaL DUDES B--CH AND HOW SHES FAT BUT GOOD AT B0NING, which I'm not sure fred savage would like to hear, but maybe deadpool could censor that part

the crowd comes for main guy and he dodges gunfire and he eventually takes a machine gun to em and shreds em like rambo

coffee chick and him get eaCH OTHER at gunpoint and he sez the plot of the movie and she dont buy it until the baddz come and they cap em

the baddz leaders credit card isas declined as ALL GOVES FROze his assets, so he jacks a copy and runs

main guy accudentally runs over a baby stroller and gets to his trailer with some big black guy b0ning his fat wife

oh its the cops and both are b0ning her and main guy rigs the trailer and blocks the door

guys open fiure on the main guys trailer, i think its the lyunch mob, and the bads come and open fire

redneck comes out and is shot threough the wall by number 2 with a gun on a vehicle whiuuch made me laugh

numbver 2 blaMES main guy for icing cult leader and main guy sez he's gonna blow the area with his remote to stoop em from icing him

he gives a speech that destroying the wortld for The Lord is wrong and the Creator gave us life and we are all humanity and should work it out like a family does

number 2 sez they all hate jews and main guy sez "not a hate thing" and to stop using guns but instead hug

they all open fire and he dodges it and hides behind a car that eventually is completly busted

the main guy and coffee chick open fire and shred the baddz and lynch mob and 1 guy, oh the baddz leader, sneaks away and calls Bush Garlic Jr and asks for help and Jr is gonna send a chopper

Main guy kicks a55 with bare hands and beats down guys like he's from Otoko Juku and the irs comes to rtgew cult compound form the money

1 guy trys to hug and blow him out but he's not wearing his belt of fireworks and a guy wearing it in a van blows and the van lands on the boss of the company guy who had the heads on pikes

number 2 jumnps on the car main guys driving and caps him in the meat but main guy puts a new a55 in his head with his gun

main guy drives off with coffee chick and his dog is in the car and prez jr sez the asians and indians were responisble for the attacks in this movie so he's gonna nuke em but they sent nukes our way

fat wife and the cops try to leave but fat wife is too bifg tgo get out the door and the cops cant get by her and postal main guy hits the remote and blows em apart

main guy puts on shades and drives off and we see the baddz leader and prez jr dancing hand in hand as nukes hit

the end

adr mixers; frasnk koch and todd anisman?! Are these p0rno names?!

But that was a f--king trip!

its crazy, offensive, in bad taste, crass, overr the top, and tells things as people dont wanna accept aRE REAL

I LOVED IT

its so stoopid but so fun

its openly bad and has fun with it while being intentionally awful

1 guy said its like a Troma film and while I never actually saw any films by them, I think it fits

its a silly comedy with a few political satiure messages and has an f'd up teen boy stily of humor

I don't laugh often at films but this got me to a few times

Its not as over the top funny as the human centipede 3, but its not far off(I mean this is a good way)

of cource Uwe Boll makes bad films! Its his thing! Like Mel Brooks makes Comedy and JJ Abrams makes films that try to be like better directors works

I had fun watching this and its worth a see if you can handle all the politically incorrect humor

Those weird europeany guys are pretty great

For Postal 2 I want the world top be a nuked out wasteland and postal dude and coffee chick are wanderinmg arpound with him beats out and eating people who challenge him. Turns out Verne Troyer has fused with the monkeys and absorbed them into a giant monkey golem and is looking for him as he didn'ty save him from the monkeys. Also its a 128 bit game like Shemnmue on Sega Dreamcast, GameCube, XboX and PS2 where you play as Postal Dude and his Coffee Chick and go around doing whatever you want and can find arcade like games in the wasteland that you fuel with brain juice from people you wwaste and the game boss is a fight against the Verne Troyer Moneky Golem

Wednesday, February 2, 2022

The Long Riders Review

 Note: I speel wrong for too long

The Long Riders

This isd my review on The Long Riders from the distant future year of 1980

I neveer saw it but it got good reviews

Its directal my Walter Hill Who did Thew WARRIORS And Geronimo: An American Legend 

It stars James Keach from National Lampoon's Vacation, Stacy Keach from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, American History X, The Bourne Legacy, Blure Bloods and Law saand Order SVU, David Carradine from Kill Bill, Keith Carradine from Spider-Man: The New Animated Series, Robert Carradine from Ghosts of Mars, Max Keeble's Big Move and Lizzie McGuire, Dennis Quaid from Frequency and the remake of footloose and The Day After Tomorrow, Randy Quaid from The Last Picture Show, National Lampoon's Vacation, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Freaked, Independence Day, Kingpin, The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, Not Another Teen Movie and Brokeback Mountain, Christopher Guest from Death Wish, The Princess Bride, A Few Good Men and Small Soldiers, Nicholas Guest from the 90s Fox Kids odzilla, Power Rangers Time Force, the 00s Justice League, Astroboy, Star Trek 2, Terminator 3, Kickbozer 4, The Land Before Time 3m Zootopia and Trading Places, abd a BUCHA OTHER GUYS

ooh, united artists

so after title and credits we get a bank hold up in misouri after the civil war

1 robber wants the safe and the banker shoves his a55 so the robber caps him and book it

they fight a bit and go off and later tyheres a poker game with 1 guy looking like ernest meets hanson and randy waurid goes to see this guy on guyuitasr singing

he nearly blows off the guys hand with a peashooter and has him playa confederate song

btw this is widescreen and color but a woody earthy color and a chick flirts with david caradine who looks like ernest and offers to b00ne for 15$

he sezx no but offers to cut her for 11$ and she wins so she sez to come when he's luckier

so the super jesse james bros are back on their farm and working on it and are gonna go back to outlaw work as they got gfs there

jesse's woman wants a big a55 wedding and frank chops wood as a metaphor for j-rkin off

later the carridine gang cathes a cpouple on a cart and holdfs em uup

1 guy gets his clothes stole after mouyythjing off at a robber holding jhis woman and the robbers book it

carriodine dave comes in to some hotel and findds a chick in the rtub but we d0nt her her b00bs and randfy is with a naked chick quoting the bible

so dave the slave b0nes the h00ker and she wants to marry him to kjnowe what its like to be respectable

he sez she'd alweays be a wh-re but he likes that

wow we're like half an hour in with commercials

So Jesse James gets married and there's an 11800s dance like at a barn or something the amishmen would do (Maybe fiddler on the roof) and 1 18 year old is engaged to ed miller by dennis quaid

qUID! get to da reactor!

ed got land and they told everyone but 1 guy i think frank, wait its jiom younger, adviseses her not to

the miller qiaid brosa beet and catch up and they dance more

I like how they got actual brothers to play brotrjhers in the movies

bob and chucck ford come by and meet frank james and as its the south, there';s a Coonfederate Flag in the background

they wanna join the james bros and after the party, dave casrrofsfdine and his h00ker go seperate ways

wait the dance is still going and frank james and randy quAID TALK ABOUT love

so later theres a great train robbery and the guys ride up to it, climb on and sticck em up with firearms

oh its the younger brosan they loot the safe and the james and millers  aid

they ride off wasting bullets in the air and theres a 5000$ reward for the james yuounger gang

a soviet new york heraLD REPORTER guy comes to cover da storyand the yankee cops come to the jaMES BOYS farm to get the james boys

ma james dont like em invading her domain andthen we see 2 robbers coming by, i think the younger bros, saying howee great bank robing is

they come by the cops who say they are here for the youngers and are here for buying cattle

the younger bros know ytey are pinkertons and1younger gets blown out  so the other chases the shooter and sends him to h e donble lincon

the millers iddentify the bodies and later the pinkertons throw a flaming thing in the james home amd it blows and wastes the james fam

so they have a service for the younger brother who was iced

frank i mean ed by dennis dont wannsa fight the pinkertons but 1 of the carridines tells him off and he ditches his woman and the group

the james bros comfort their mom over her home and fam being iced by the gov and we getta jesse james gee haad where he vows to make the purvo pinkertons pay

at night the youngers and james confont the guys who iced the james fam and they say itr was just meeant to smoke em out

james sez "my brotyyher was 156! think of that, on your way to h-ll!"

then he raises his hand and it glows white and they scream "JessE! Nooooooo!" As Jesse obliterates em with his ki!

jk he and his droogs shred em with gunfire

so the pinkeertons comne for the james bros and the robbers are hiding out on AN Farm but the barn is shredded with gunfire

they retuirn fire and 1 of em gets it and 1 guy runs out in the open as the shjots keep commin

what are ja? stpooopid?!

i think he gets it and the guys break open the a55 end of the barn and escape downn a plant area like in a contra level and escape on their big black horses

at this servie jesse james ma is interviewed and she tells her back story of the guys she married

1 guy was caughtand is offered thousands of dollers to catch the james bros but he dont consent to ratting out his droogs to the devient pinkertons

hes in for 6 months for drunk busting a bar, which is a good reason not to drink, as it makes you say and do stppoid things

gotta stay in control of your actions, or you may do something you regret

if my kid drank, i'd sell him to a 5kank!

sailor venus: Well, I don't hhave much money on me, but, isnt there some, OTHER, way I could pay you??

so in Texas the robbers hang out in a saloon and dave bugs his h--ker who isnt happy with his commenting on her b0ning a lot of guys and she shoots a few things

this indian guy comes out and sez hes her husband and she wants them to fight over her and the indian named sam starr like a f-0-kin marvel comivcs hero, pulls oit a big a55 knife

they put a cloth between their mouths and haver a knife fight like in michael jacksons beat it video and this just went from cowboy to pirate movie

dave punches him off the cloth but thewy have round 2 and he shanks the indian in the leg

then r lee ermysez "you know what to do" and leatherface chainaws of the guys ddamaged leg, but nicks the good leg, so he saws off the other one!

nah, that would be f--kin stoopid!

man we're like 90 mins in with adds, thast felt like nothing

so the pinkertims are whining about not having caught the james younger gang when asked by the reporter

jesse goes by this house and wait its frank and he reunites with his woman and wait i think it is jesse and after they b0ned offscreen, he wants to do another heist and settle down

franklin benjamin james the tutrlre whoi's buddy bear is the muslce of ther group, chaTS WITH HIS WOMAN AND later the gang meets in a drink place to plan their next job

they wanna go to minesoda but the gang dont think its right for em, even if its full of money

the james bros get outta bed and Grit blurred out the girls nips and the guys covered buytt crack as its too much, even though the simpsons and spongebob has a55crack

frank wants to marry his woman and dave's woman's nips are out so they blurr em out and the james and youngers reunite and go to minnesodas to rob da bannke on a traine

randy quaid looks like a devolved brendon frasiser

dave carifine wants his legend to go on and be famous and 1 guy said he went north once to shoot buffaslo but got a secks disease from a native woman

so they get to missouri or minnesoda and 1 guy wants to send scouts to scope out the arera but the rest dont think they need it and thhey ride in to town

after waityin arfound for a wehile hey see a steram tractor comming by like some fma thing

Its the distant future year of 1976 so this is high tech for the era

eventually they go in da bank and hold it up ands randy sez to open the safe but the teller sez the bank was time locked and the whole thing is set up for them as they were expecting them

1 guy runs and is shot and for some reason, Grit chose to blurr out the bullet holes and, to quote TYurning Mecard: all h-ll breaks loose

they try shooting the vault but it does diddley d0ng and theyres a gunfight and people get capped and falll off buildings and 1 guy gets shot through the cheeks, but they only blurr out the out hole

the robbers book it while being fired on and firing back and 1 guy is capped as the gorse draggs him

there's no words for several minutes, just huys getting capped

the horses jump through a glass a55 window  and out out anohter one even though they;'d be sliced up by that

dave carridine goes in slo mo and jumps a wall and spazzes out as randy quaid or some0ne else i think gets on and they ride on

so the gang gerts away but some are shot up and 1 james sez to lerave em behind and let the cops take em to a dr

1 james sez to the wounded they are leaving and if they wanna find em, i mean follow em, they can

the dave youndger pulls a gun on him and sez they dont need him and his hand is blurred out and it looks like the guys in Dune from the 80s

the james bros go and the wounded swear and randy quaid biters it

is this where the transformers movie got it from with the decepticons abandoning the crippled ones ?

so the james bros go on and come to a river and jesse sez to frank he's gonna gettA NEW GANG TOGETher

they horse ride across the water and in the hospital; the pinkertons grill the survivors, naimely dave carrifinmme, over trying to nail the james boys

dave the slave says he was in thre army and denies the james bros being in the state

they grill the other guys but get jack sh-t, but themn try to bribe the ford bros to betray the james bros for 15 000 $

the deviant fords agree like their daemon lover relative henry and lsater the foirds are at the table witrh the james fam

after dinner 1 of the sodomus fords suspects jesse of something and jesse talks plans for robbing a bank

the fords ice jeesse james as he thinks about his fam and wedding

frank james turns himself in so he cangive his bro a grave and they go by train to do it

the end

that was actually pretty good

its got good pacing and style and doesn't drag

it has good flow and goes by at a good pace

good acting and action and filming andf the music is well done

its like little house on the prarie meets go nagai with the violence, nude scenes and bada55ness

Walter Hill or w/e this guys name is (i'm,m not scrolling up to recheck) was pretty good and did some grande filmes

glad i saw it

for The Long Riders 2 I want the gang to meet up years later and have been patched up with steampunk tech to replace their dewstroyed parts. they decide to avenge jesse and take on the pinkertons and the fords and have thomas edison edity their steampunk parts with buklt in weapons and gear spring blades. Also its a 16 bit beat em up with up to 4 players on sega genesis, snes, gnba, tg16 and atari hjaguar where you play as the survivors and battle through waves of the pinkertons to end em and face the fords who have fused with daemon magic to become a double human with 4 arms, 34 legs and a fused head with a face on the front and back(they fused back to back and walk like a 4 legged thing)