Wednesday, February 2, 2022

The Long Riders Review

 Note: I speel wrong for too long

The Long Riders

This isd my review on The Long Riders from the distant future year of 1980

I neveer saw it but it got good reviews

Its directal my Walter Hill Who did Thew WARRIORS And Geronimo: An American Legend 

It stars James Keach from National Lampoon's Vacation, Stacy Keach from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, American History X, The Bourne Legacy, Blure Bloods and Law saand Order SVU, David Carradine from Kill Bill, Keith Carradine from Spider-Man: The New Animated Series, Robert Carradine from Ghosts of Mars, Max Keeble's Big Move and Lizzie McGuire, Dennis Quaid from Frequency and the remake of footloose and The Day After Tomorrow, Randy Quaid from The Last Picture Show, National Lampoon's Vacation, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Freaked, Independence Day, Kingpin, The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, Not Another Teen Movie and Brokeback Mountain, Christopher Guest from Death Wish, The Princess Bride, A Few Good Men and Small Soldiers, Nicholas Guest from the 90s Fox Kids odzilla, Power Rangers Time Force, the 00s Justice League, Astroboy, Star Trek 2, Terminator 3, Kickbozer 4, The Land Before Time 3m Zootopia and Trading Places, abd a BUCHA OTHER GUYS

ooh, united artists

so after title and credits we get a bank hold up in misouri after the civil war

1 robber wants the safe and the banker shoves his a55 so the robber caps him and book it

they fight a bit and go off and later tyheres a poker game with 1 guy looking like ernest meets hanson and randy waurid goes to see this guy on guyuitasr singing

he nearly blows off the guys hand with a peashooter and has him playa confederate song

btw this is widescreen and color but a woody earthy color and a chick flirts with david caradine who looks like ernest and offers to b00ne for 15$

he sezx no but offers to cut her for 11$ and she wins so she sez to come when he's luckier

so the super jesse james bros are back on their farm and working on it and are gonna go back to outlaw work as they got gfs there

jesse's woman wants a big a55 wedding and frank chops wood as a metaphor for j-rkin off

later the carridine gang cathes a cpouple on a cart and holdfs em uup

1 guy gets his clothes stole after mouyythjing off at a robber holding jhis woman and the robbers book it

carriodine dave comes in to some hotel and findds a chick in the rtub but we d0nt her her b00bs and randfy is with a naked chick quoting the bible

so dave the slave b0nes the h00ker and she wants to marry him to kjnowe what its like to be respectable

he sez she'd alweays be a wh-re but he likes that

wow we're like half an hour in with commercials

So Jesse James gets married and there's an 11800s dance like at a barn or something the amishmen would do (Maybe fiddler on the roof) and 1 18 year old is engaged to ed miller by dennis quaid

qUID! get to da reactor!

ed got land and they told everyone but 1 guy i think frank, wait its jiom younger, adviseses her not to

the miller qiaid brosa beet and catch up and they dance more

I like how they got actual brothers to play brotrjhers in the movies

bob and chucck ford come by and meet frank james and as its the south, there';s a Coonfederate Flag in the background

they wanna join the james bros and after the party, dave casrrofsfdine and his h00ker go seperate ways

wait the dance is still going and frank james and randy quAID TALK ABOUT love

so later theres a great train robbery and the guys ride up to it, climb on and sticck em up with firearms

oh its the younger brosan they loot the safe and the james and millers  aid

they ride off wasting bullets in the air and theres a 5000$ reward for the james yuounger gang

a soviet new york heraLD REPORTER guy comes to cover da storyand the yankee cops come to the jaMES BOYS farm to get the james boys

ma james dont like em invading her domain andthen we see 2 robbers coming by, i think the younger bros, saying howee great bank robing is

they come by the cops who say they are here for the youngers and are here for buying cattle

the younger bros know ytey are pinkertons and1younger gets blown out  so the other chases the shooter and sends him to h e donble lincon

the millers iddentify the bodies and later the pinkertons throw a flaming thing in the james home amd it blows and wastes the james fam

so they have a service for the younger brother who was iced

frank i mean ed by dennis dont wannsa fight the pinkertons but 1 of the carridines tells him off and he ditches his woman and the group

the james bros comfort their mom over her home and fam being iced by the gov and we getta jesse james gee haad where he vows to make the purvo pinkertons pay

at night the youngers and james confont the guys who iced the james fam and they say itr was just meeant to smoke em out

james sez "my brotyyher was 156! think of that, on your way to h-ll!"

then he raises his hand and it glows white and they scream "JessE! Nooooooo!" As Jesse obliterates em with his ki!

jk he and his droogs shred em with gunfire

so the pinkeertons comne for the james bros and the robbers are hiding out on AN Farm but the barn is shredded with gunfire

they retuirn fire and 1 of em gets it and 1 guy runs out in the open as the shjots keep commin

what are ja? stpooopid?!

i think he gets it and the guys break open the a55 end of the barn and escape downn a plant area like in a contra level and escape on their big black horses

at this servie jesse james ma is interviewed and she tells her back story of the guys she married

1 guy was caughtand is offered thousands of dollers to catch the james bros but he dont consent to ratting out his droogs to the devient pinkertons

hes in for 6 months for drunk busting a bar, which is a good reason not to drink, as it makes you say and do stppoid things

gotta stay in control of your actions, or you may do something you regret

if my kid drank, i'd sell him to a 5kank!

sailor venus: Well, I don't hhave much money on me, but, isnt there some, OTHER, way I could pay you??

so in Texas the robbers hang out in a saloon and dave bugs his h--ker who isnt happy with his commenting on her b0ning a lot of guys and she shoots a few things

this indian guy comes out and sez hes her husband and she wants them to fight over her and the indian named sam starr like a f-0-kin marvel comivcs hero, pulls oit a big a55 knife

they put a cloth between their mouths and haver a knife fight like in michael jacksons beat it video and this just went from cowboy to pirate movie

dave punches him off the cloth but thewy have round 2 and he shanks the indian in the leg

then r lee ermysez "you know what to do" and leatherface chainaws of the guys ddamaged leg, but nicks the good leg, so he saws off the other one!

nah, that would be f--kin stoopid!

man we're like 90 mins in with adds, thast felt like nothing

so the pinkertims are whining about not having caught the james younger gang when asked by the reporter

jesse goes by this house and wait its frank and he reunites with his woman and wait i think it is jesse and after they b0ned offscreen, he wants to do another heist and settle down

franklin benjamin james the tutrlre whoi's buddy bear is the muslce of ther group, chaTS WITH HIS WOMAN AND later the gang meets in a drink place to plan their next job

they wanna go to minesoda but the gang dont think its right for em, even if its full of money

the james bros get outta bed and Grit blurred out the girls nips and the guys covered buytt crack as its too much, even though the simpsons and spongebob has a55crack

frank wants to marry his woman and dave's woman's nips are out so they blurr em out and the james and youngers reunite and go to minnesodas to rob da bannke on a traine

randy quaid looks like a devolved brendon frasiser

dave carifine wants his legend to go on and be famous and 1 guy said he went north once to shoot buffaslo but got a secks disease from a native woman

so they get to missouri or minnesoda and 1 guy wants to send scouts to scope out the arera but the rest dont think they need it and thhey ride in to town

after waityin arfound for a wehile hey see a steram tractor comming by like some fma thing

Its the distant future year of 1976 so this is high tech for the era

eventually they go in da bank and hold it up ands randy sez to open the safe but the teller sez the bank was time locked and the whole thing is set up for them as they were expecting them

1 guy runs and is shot and for some reason, Grit chose to blurr out the bullet holes and, to quote TYurning Mecard: all h-ll breaks loose

they try shooting the vault but it does diddley d0ng and theyres a gunfight and people get capped and falll off buildings and 1 guy gets shot through the cheeks, but they only blurr out the out hole

the robbers book it while being fired on and firing back and 1 guy is capped as the gorse draggs him

there's no words for several minutes, just huys getting capped

the horses jump through a glass a55 window  and out out anohter one even though they;'d be sliced up by that

dave carridine goes in slo mo and jumps a wall and spazzes out as randy quaid or some0ne else i think gets on and they ride on

so the gang gerts away but some are shot up and 1 james sez to lerave em behind and let the cops take em to a dr

1 james sez to the wounded they are leaving and if they wanna find em, i mean follow em, they can

the dave youndger pulls a gun on him and sez they dont need him and his hand is blurred out and it looks like the guys in Dune from the 80s

the james bros go and the wounded swear and randy quaid biters it

is this where the transformers movie got it from with the decepticons abandoning the crippled ones ?

so the james bros go on and come to a river and jesse sez to frank he's gonna gettA NEW GANG TOGETher

they horse ride across the water and in the hospital; the pinkertons grill the survivors, naimely dave carrifinmme, over trying to nail the james boys

dave the slave says he was in thre army and denies the james bros being in the state

they grill the other guys but get jack sh-t, but themn try to bribe the ford bros to betray the james bros for 15 000 $

the deviant fords agree like their daemon lover relative henry and lsater the foirds are at the table witrh the james fam

after dinner 1 of the sodomus fords suspects jesse of something and jesse talks plans for robbing a bank

the fords ice jeesse james as he thinks about his fam and wedding

frank james turns himself in so he cangive his bro a grave and they go by train to do it

the end

that was actually pretty good

its got good pacing and style and doesn't drag

it has good flow and goes by at a good pace

good acting and action and filming andf the music is well done

its like little house on the prarie meets go nagai with the violence, nude scenes and bada55ness

Walter Hill or w/e this guys name is (i'm,m not scrolling up to recheck) was pretty good and did some grande filmes

glad i saw it

for The Long Riders 2 I want the gang to meet up years later and have been patched up with steampunk tech to replace their dewstroyed parts. they decide to avenge jesse and take on the pinkertons and the fords and have thomas edison edity their steampunk parts with buklt in weapons and gear spring blades. Also its a 16 bit beat em up with up to 4 players on sega genesis, snes, gnba, tg16 and atari hjaguar where you play as the survivors and battle through waves of the pinkertons to end em and face the fords who have fused with daemon magic to become a double human with 4 arms, 34 legs and a fused head with a face on the front and back(they fused back to back and walk like a 4 legged thing)

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