Wednesday, October 31, 2018

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies Review

note; I hear this film s-cked. my spelling does too so it fits
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies
this is my review on The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies
its called one of the worst films ever made
its directed by Ray Dennis Steckler who later did p0rn0
To be fair, so did Go Nagai and Masami Obari
but they didn't do much different than their usual designs and styles when they did xxx
I think I recall seeing the ending of this where a guy runs along a beach for like 8 minutes on offbeat cinema years ago
maybe it was monster a go-go
it starts at a carnival night zone act 1
this fortune teller 5kank tries to b0ne a drunk but he don't consent and pushes her off
so she has some rotty guy drag him off and hold him down as she splashes poison on him.
then credits
cash flagg is actually the director
at least tommy Wiseau was honest to be identified
oh and during credits his drawn face rots
not bad
then its day again at da carnival
this bikini chick in a see through one piece dances slowly with a guy who looks like dennis hopper in the super Mario movie
after dat she has some wine and freaks out seeing a black cat
that's racist
some guy gives her advice and sez she f'd up her dance routine
then 2 guys talk about cr-p I don't care about
they go drive and then some 30 year old teen has a date but her mom don't like her bf
btw im watching this on youtube and the audio s-cked
btw this is the opposite of the room with lisa and claudette
then the 2 guys come by and she goes to meet em and drives off to a carvival
wtf 1 guy looks like Nicholas cage
oh f
its the beach!
I did see this b4!!
then a montage of them on rides having fun(I think cloverfield ripped this off) and I think some repeated footage
I think the roller coaster would be better in theatre with a moving room
after a comedian does an act we get the bikini dancer and her tuxedo man
but she falls over and runs off da area in high heels
he manager from b4 sez to stop the booze and if she don't she'd fired
then its evening and the teen and guys are still on he roller coastwr.
then its night and bikini dancer goes to the fortune teller
dancer senses some event coming
the card reading sez she gon bite it and she runs in the back and is nearly grabbed by bum hand
she drops her purse and books it but bumps into the guys
oh and bf in cage and not cage is not bf
the trio go in where she ran and teen girl gets her fortune for 50 cents
she gets a positive future
cage wants his done with the crystal ball and teller sez its dangerous
his future sez someone gon bite it
and something about water
I cant tell much about it as shes got a thick accent worse than tommy Wiseau
wait, the fortune was for the teen girl
and she cant tell cage of his future and they book it
not cage is lusting after some skimpy dressed chicks at a show and 1 is covered up but said to be hot under it
cage was to see her show too even though teen gf don't wanna
she books it and cage don't care as she was trying to control him
then they watch skimpy dressed chicks in fighting game or Japanese role playing game outfits dance and show off their bods
most chix are in white/black striped dresses like beetle juice
this goes on for a while
the guy who promotes the show outside asks 1 dancer for a date at her place
In the real version they were gonna be b0ning
then we see the dancer in another outfit singing some 40s/50s song
its not so bad but goes on too long
oh it was the next act in the show
after dat we get some dress wearing chick taking 1 step at a time as she attempts to take off her outfit
the rotty guy gives cage a note saying to meet this dancer after da show
after she's down to her undies, she leaves but we don't see her nips
cage goes in da dressing room but women in it and he goes elsewhere and finds her
this movies half over and nothings happened
she brings him to this spinning thing to hypnotize him by the fortune teller
this too goes on for a while
but da fortune teller does a monologue without blinking so there was effort put into it
then we get the comedian then a guitar guy who, like everything else, goes on for too long
then bikini girl comes out and dances with not dennis hopper
but a guy in a hoodie comes out and knifes em dead
then cage has weird trippy visions of rotty guy and fortune teller telling him to kill and weird cr-p
is this a rip off of the Manchurian candidate with frank Sinatra?!
his visions are like a bad music video
maybe david lynch
also he prances around like a ballerina in da hoodie
and I think he's in bad kabuki make up
eventually he wakes up and later in the day he comes out in the killer outfit
not cage sez he was talking in his sleep
but cage don't recall what he did last night
gage goes to teen gfs place and shes p-ssed at him for finding women hot
she spins an umbrella and it triggers his hypnosis and he trys strangling her
but a guy saves her
and her mom is there
was that her dad?
but hes around her age!!
then he wanders the city and music plays
along the way he hears a radio tell of the bikini dancer and dennis hopper getting shanked
then its night and theres more showgirls dancing to like 50s or 60s music at the show cage went to
later the dancer who b0ned that guy I think sees fortune teller over the bikini dancer being iced
fortune teller sez the dancer who was covered up is her sister
after a blonde sings for a while, cage sees the once covered up dancer about him killing someone
she sez; if u wanna know wat happened behind da curtains, go behind em
and he's hypnotized again
if it f'd me up the 1st time, the 2nd time will be better!
then we see his apartment where not cage the teen gf, her mom and the guy who might be her dad worry about him trying to ice her
all but mom go to the carvnival to see if hes there
later cage goes to the b0ned dancer place and knifes her up
but the guy who's there to b0ne her comes in and gets iced
they use shadows to keep it from being too violent
and using actual effects
shadow of b0ning guy comes in, shadow of guy moves knife shadow at his head, cut to next scene
so cage returns to the fortune teller and she splashes him with acid and has him taken with the rest of her hypno slaves
but the slaves get out and I think b0ne them dead
they're acid rotted and look like mutants
also the covered up dancer gets iced wearing a glittery bikini
as does rotted guy
why weren't they chained up??
why even leave them alive?!
also the camera moves in on fortune tellers face and its shadow covers her.
not sure if that was intended
I assume they are eating her
then theres some jungle dance show and the rotted slaves come out and star icing everyone
it took em 70 mins in an 80 min movie for the zombies to show up
the cops cap some
were here only 3 zombies?!
only now do the gf and homies arrive and find cops and the iced bad guys
the drunk from bf comes out all rotted and they ice him
cage comes out and runs and then its daytime
he runs on the beach and gf and cop chase him
is this trying to be lon chaney?
the bad guy who is loved but bites it and is a freak?!
so after shambling around the rocks at the beach and in da water for a few mins, not cage and gf and cop are still after him
this is dragged out but don't feel bad
he climbs a rock thing telling them to go back
then the cop caps him even though hes not a danger nor has a weapon
hes on top of a rock thing far away
he falls in da water and gets out but stumbles around for a while
then falls and they  kneel over him
the end
then credits to music
dancer was called bill ward in the film and it said as himself
1 cop was called son h00ker
like son wukong from journey to the west?
or maybe its one of son goku's relatives p0rn0 names from dbz
oh pan! what were you DOOING!??!
but over all
this film is pretty cr-ppy
but a bit entertaining
yeah it drags at times
and theres not enough story to really be 80 mins
and many parts of it don't make sense
and the acting is a55
but its got a few good parts
they kinda tried
its sorta so bad its kinda fun
sort of like a cr-ppier version of the room
its even got a weird europeany character
although the fortune teller and str-pper sound nothing alike despite being sisters
like with fraiser and his dad in fraiser
or black goku and zamasu in dragon ball super
and I just realized the thing of the guy meeting the girl at her place and she gets iced was used by time after time with Malcom McDowell
and the beach scene is a lot like planet of the apes 1
this was made in 63 and seems to have influenced a lot of good movies
I guess this was pretty good after all
and i just realized the black cat never does anything n the film and has no meaning.
Just like in the room with all that cr-p brought up and instantly dropped.
for The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies 2 I want there to be a secret zombie hidden in the deep parts of the fortune tellers dungeon and it comes out as the cops were busy going after the Nicholas cage guy. the cage guy is being treated for his gunshot and has been mutating more into one of the zombies. but his dna is special due to his inbreeding and it gives him powers from the acid and hypnosis screwing up his brain and affecting his hormones. also he has a psychic link to the secret zombie and they can read each others mins. and he has to either stop it or join it in its plan to turn the city into zombies. its also a puzzle platform game on Gameboy gamegear and arari lynx where you play as the cage guy and try to find clues that the secret zombie left you by getting through areas in the city he altered with his powers.

Sunday, October 28, 2018

Zombieland Review

note; is this movie bad? my spelling is!!
this is my review on zombieland from 2009
its gotten a lot of hate from nerds and purists like littlekuriboh
I never saw it but I like movies and shows they hate
like Yugioh zexal
its got woody harelson and bill murry emma stone and something eisenbureg
its widescreen
it starts saying zombies took over America
then he goes over tis to survive
stay in shape
be sure the zombies are dead after capping em
be careful of bathrooms
and wear seatbelts
this has good effects and gore
and has zombie kids
so a poison burger started the zombie holocost
ands main guy eisenberg (lex Luthor in the dc movie universe) is running from and trying to fight zobvies
why not just use a samurai sword?
those can cut through like 5 men in 1 slice
so using his rules he survives  and cr-pps his pants
also he sez to travel light
an hes trying to get home to see if his rents are alive
then a van with a plow in the front busts through the traffic jam hes walking through and woody harrelson is there
they aim at eachother but main guys a candy a55
and gets a ride with him
one more rule; chek da back seat
woody sez he don't use names to not get familiar
what is he? violence jack?!
well hes got a big a55 knife so maybe
woody knows main guy is a b--ch and hes bad a55
also woody likes twinkies
too bad the unions ended hostess and we nearly lost em
oh and in teddy rubskin's snack time vids on youtube is a rap mentioning twinkies and zombieland
the hostess truck they find has snowballs and woody hates coconut
oh and main guy has irritable bowel syndrome
and he fears clowns
someone draw Ronald mcdonald b0ning him
and he wants a gf
then theres like a flashback or something about him meeting a blonde who came in fearing a hobo coming after her
this sounds like something my nami sos friend pingpawg might draw
he comforts her and she falls asleep on him
she wakes up a zombie and trys eating him
eventually he wastes her with a toilet tank lid
back in the present woody asks main guy when last he b0ned
he sez a few weeks ago with some bimbo in the back on a truck
they find a zombie eating a guy and woody sez it makes him hungry
later they go to a store to get twinkies
woody plays the deliverance banjo theme and busts a zombie saying "u got a perdy mouth"
then un heads another one offscreen
why not show it?? candy a55!
they meet a chick and go with her as her homie got bit
oh its her sister
but its a trick and they jack their gun and truck
woody busts a van our of stress
later they find a bright orange sailor venus miniskirt colored redneck truck with twinkies and take it
later this gurl takes em hostage at gunpoint
and her sister
we get a flashback of this girl who loses herring at a station and the gas guy sez he'd mail it to her and get a reward
then the sister finds it and gets paid to mail it to the gurl
its a scam
so woody pulls a gun on the girl but the other girl pulls a gun on him and main guy has a sissy fit
girls are going to some theme park or something and say main guy's state burned to h-ll
she comforts him and hes gay 4 her
they get to some place and main guy gets some cologne
woody pokes fun at him for it and he squirts him with cologne
they then trash the store in slo mo
in the real version they were b0ning
later they make it to soviet California and hang out wth bill murry
the kid sister don't know who bull murry or Gandhi is so main guy and her watch ghostbusters
murry comes out as a zombie but its just make up to blend in
and woody fanboys after him
then they do chronic or something
then reenact ghost busters
how is there still electricity?
are the power plants still manned?
later he fakes being a zombie during the zombie plague and main guy caps him
he regrets Garfield maybe
then bites it
after dumping murry they play monopoly and talk about good/bad things about living in zombire land
woody gets bummed about his little blonde kid biting it long ago
b4 they thought he meant his dog
later older sister and main guy chat and she had a good time in 97
he tells of being cr-ppy and they dance
later he wakes up and her and sister are gone
they went to this amusement park
and woody is going to soviet mexico
is this gonna be like the day after tomorrow?
americans illegally crossing the border into mexico to escape cr-ppyness?
so as the sisters ride a ride, zombies come
and main guy goes after big sister
sisters try to get away in the orange van and drive it into the water after jumping out
main guy drives on a motorcycle and f's out
so woody drives him
da girls ride this tall thing that has u go up and down in a seat fast as they cap zombies
who's operating these machines??
this isn't a sonic game!
they cap the control box of the ride and are trapped high up in a chair
main guy and woody come by and run over zombies
woody gets out and uses an air horn to attract da zomb0ners
oh and woodty has a machine gun
like in contra
I just beat super C tonight
its all connected
main guy goes through a funhouse and a claw grabs a zombie and he caps it
who built this?
it drags the zombie off too
they figt on park rides and take out more zombies
sorta like with dawn of the dead in the mall
oh and zombies are somehow climbing the tower thing the chix r on
woody locs himself in a caged off stand and caps zombies coming for him
how many points til u get an extra life?
1 chick knocks da climbing zombie off
oh and the chicks are named witchita and little rock
what is this? fist of the north star?
maybe the crow with its street names
main guy then fights a clown zombie in attack mode
and busts it with a mallet
then hits the switch or w/e and the girls ride comes down, saving em from da zombie
main guy fulfills his fetish of brushing hair off her ear and they smootch
woody looks for twinkies but theres none so he f;s da place
he finds twinkies but they got shot
main guy sez the guys he hung with are like his fam
woofy gets a twnkie and they drive off on a new adventure
the end
that wasn't so bad
I liked it
its not really "horror" horror
the horror isn't the main focus
its more entertainment with a horror theme
like Austin powers isn't a series spy movie
maybe that's why people hate it
they expected horror and got fun
I was entertained and it had good feels
a bit hokey with its family themes but its got some good moments and effects
but I also liked yugioh zexal and violence jack
for zombieland 2 I want it to be years later and the nerdy guy from the 1st one is married to the chick he liked and they have some cool teen kids. they've set a base up to keep the zombies out. but a new form of super zombie has evolved and can think and use words. and its leading the mindless zombies with psychic powers to use strategy to take out the remaining humans. so its up to the teens who are big and buff like the saint Seiya/knights of he zodiac teens, to face them with cyber armor that has many hidden blades in it and increases their strength and speed to fight on above human levels. its also a 2 player hack and slash game like golden axe where you fight zombies and the super ones are bosses lead by a superzombie brain core that was made by the creator of the original zombie plague as a way to find immorality with black magic and science.

Monday, October 22, 2018

Jumanji Review

note; the movie is good but the spelling is bad
this is my reviw on Jumanji from 1995
its got robin Williams and is based on a book I never read
I saw the simpsons halloween parody of diss and it waz good
its directed by joe johnson who did
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989) I liked
The Rocketeer (1991) never saw
The Pagemaster (1994) I liked and has on sega
October Sky (1999) whixch was good
Jurassic Park III (2001) whixh I saw in theatres and didn't hate
Hidalgo (2004)which I didn't see
The Wolfman (2010) which I liked
and Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) which I liked
I even played the board game of Jumanji in da 90z
btw Ju is Japanese for 10 or beast depending on how its spelled
Like Jushin Liger (beast god liger)
and Manji is a swastika
Like Manjimaru in Sakigake!! Otokojuku spells his name with a swastika
its also got kirstin dunst from the good spider man movies
bradley pierce who as tails in the 90s sonic sAT AM cartoon
and the hunter is also played by the dad actor and was in anaconda
so the film starts with thse guys in da 1800s burying a box in da woods
then its like 100 years later and its da 60s
main guy is a kid and this gang of white kids chase after him on bikes
he escapes to his dads factory and da kids are waiting
why do they wanna kill him?
this black worker shows him this new shoe he designed
main guy wants a ride home but dad sez he has to face his problems and not run away
also the shoe is accidentally left on the line and f's a machine
black guy takes a heat
the kids beat the h-ll outta main kid off camera and jack his bike
then he sees a construction site behind him and finds this box they buried a century ago
its like he was drawn to it
does he have psychic abilities?
at home he finds its a board game
later dad finds it was more than just that 1 kid who beat his a55
dads proud he stood up to those kids
fight to the end like a true Mongolian
also dad wants to send him to military school
but kid don't wanna go
rents go to a party and main kid is gon run away
but this girl comes by and brings his bike and told the kids to stop beating him
they start playing Jumanji and main kid gets sucked into the gAME until the dice roll 5 or 8
then bats come out da chimney and she books it
26 years later these whjte people are gonna make a bed and breakfast
its an aunt and her bro's kids
her bro and his woman bit it
immA Call da kids tails and mj After their better known roles
mj gives a f'd story of em biting it
but its all cr-p and they bit it in a car crash in Canada
like the director of a Christmas story, black Christmas and baby geniuses 1 and 2
they go in a room and see an African bat
later a pest control guy comes in and sez da dad chopped up main kid years ago and hid him there
also they find no bats
she tells her aunt of the kid chopping but aunt gets p-ssed at her for lying
later they hear drums and find Jumanji
tails picks up 2 pieces but they automatically go to the board
mj thinks its microchips
they roll and giant moskeetoes come out and escape
the next roll summons pretty not bad 90s cgi monkeys in da kitchen
they get out
mj reads that u gotta finish da game to make the summoned things go
also tails got doubles so he goes again
and a lion is summoned
but robin Williams tricks it into a room and closes da door
that'/ll stop a huge a55 lion
a wood door
he looks like a bible mad max character
also hes mentally a kid and a grown a55 hairy man
like jack or w/e his movie as that 4x age kid was in the 90s
also he expects his rents to be here
he walks into a road and is nearly run over by a black cop so he jumps on the hood of a car
kids say he was in indonesa and had a head injury
then the monkeys take his car
main guy finds the factory slummed out
a hobo living there sez after kid ran away dad spent everything to find him
and loved him more than anything
also hobo gives main guy cloths
main guy finds their graves
then a ambulance comes and finds a chick who a mosteeko bit
she has the aids
they get in da chicks car and the bug penetrates the windshield with its proboscis
good f--k that things rom h-ll!!
main guy rives em but not as well as Michael myers in Halloween 01
at home a kids wanna finish Jumanji but main guy don't
he cuts his mad max hair, which should be like sailor venus or something after 26 years, and shaves
he wants to continue where he left off (6th grade ) but kids say hes afraid
main guy tell em of the h-ll he faced for a quarter century in there
pretty bad a55
was this pg or pg13?
back when that meant something
it was rated 12 in brazil, 13 in malasya 12 in germany and japan
buncha candy a55 countries
so they try to play but its blondes turn
they go to her home and shes a psychic
main guy; 26 years ago u played a game with a boy
blonde; how did u know?
main guy; I was that little boy
good h-ll that's horror movie cr-p!
she don't believe hes real but they get her to come around
she rolls and they face ma eating plants
yuri from Yugioh arc v?
Seymore from little shop of horrors?
a vine/tentacle gets 1 of em but mainguy gets a samurai word and saves em
blonde wants to go but main guy pulls her back
se sez da game ruined her life but main guy said he had it worse
main guy rolls and it summons da hunter who's played by his dads actor
main guy runs and hunter shoots up black cops car
he gets back and after bickering about being cr-ppy, mj rolls and a stampede happens
btw main guy gave himself a pretty good haircut fort someone who never did it b4'
oh and robin Williams thought this was too scary a movie for kids and didn't let his kids see it
I liked this as a kid
but I also liked Jurassic park at age 6
after da stampede a bird takes the game
meanwhile hunter wants more ammo
but they stopped making it in 1903
so he buys a big a55 gun
and the gun store guy don't follow da laws
so more laws wont stop it
store guy; ur not a postal worker r u?
after getting da game back and getting it from da river it fell in
black cop takes main guy away and hunter trys to j fk him but misses
also tails tried to cheet and is turned into an apeboy
In da car ride main guy reveals hes the kid
also the monkees are f ing up da town
hnter takes da game but tails the were ape snags it and a stampede goes over him in a car
hes ok but hunter gets da game and goes in da mall
oh and people are looting da mall
ape tails bites hunter and they barcode scan is eyes and get back da game
main guy is set free but handcuffs black cop (who was the shoe guy from b4) to da car
but hears of the hunter on a radio and drives with cop on is lap
the kids use home alone cr-p in da store to use cleaner and scuba tanks at a discount store to fire hunter in da wall
this is a cartoon
hunter uses tires to stop em but sez he cant ice blonde as main guy rolled da dice
so they somehow get away with da game and go home
main guy gives advice about manning up to tails but regrets it as its wat his dad sed
but kid is upset as his tail is crammed in his pants
what is this? dragon ball gt?!
oh and apartmently I missed a bit where cop car hit hunter or w/e as hunter gets outta paint cans
also cop drives to the home but sees aunt and a plant eats his car
they play da game inside and a monsoon happens indoors
btw the non cgi effects are great
they fight gators in the flooded house
cop and aunt kick the front door and the water flushes out
btw the theres enuff water to flow down the street
and main guy swims against it to escape a gator
that's sonic level ability
later 1 player rools and the floor turns to cgi quicksand
mj I think rolls and the quicksand floor turns normal but main guy is sealed in it
tails the apeasaur rolls and spiders come out
main guy tells tailr to get his dads axe in the woodshed
like its still there 30 years later
tails goes there and its locked
so he uses an axe nearby to cut at it
then realizes it and runs back
that's funny
aunt sees tails the apeula and he locks her in da closet
blonde is sealed arms in da floor and she uses her mouth to roll dice
mj gets snipered by a plant hidden in da floor
da house splits open and main guy and blonde are freed
after falling, main guy has the dice but hunter has him
he drops da dice but 1 rolls down a crack for like a minute
what is it?! a Beyblade?!
main guy sez hes not afraid and the dice resolves
as hunter fires the game ends and everything is sucked back in and its the 60s again
dad returns and main kid hugs him and sez sorry
they reconcile and dad wont send him to military school
aww this is good
also he admits he put the shoe on the machine
the kids don't exist yet and I assume any minor changes will alter the timeline to make them not exist
think of this
when a human life starts, an egg is fertilized by one of out millions of sp-rm
any minor change will change which one fertilizes the egg
so if even a guy breathes different for one second, it starts the timeline down a different path and all events after are altered
so basically, he should totally f up history
also the blonde knows which companies are gonna do good or not and can play the market to get rich
or maybe stop cr-p like gacy or ross perot
they tie up da game with rocks and throw it in da water
then blonde smooches main kid and cuts to a xmas party in da 90s playing hark the herald angel sings
btw this totally isn't its a wonderful life
main guy and blonde are married and his rents are alive
as are mj and tails and their rents
and they tel them not to go to soviet Canada as they know its gonna ice em
this just became ecco the dolphin
later 2 Frenchie girls find Jumanji on a beach
the end
that was pretty good
a 90s classic
good effects that sort of hold up
good story
good action
good acting
good writing
nothing awful about t
maybe a few minor swear words
but the simpsons is far worse
a good tvpg is horror action fantasy movie
and its got good pacing and don't feel long
it just whizzes by
for Jumanji 2 I want it to be the 2060s and these cyborg kids find the game. but as the animals come out, they have never seen em b4 as most were wiped out in the last nucular war. the kids realize if they end da game the creatures will go away. so they use experiments on the game and find its magic. but the game don't like this and starts summoning more extreme monsters like dinosaurs and mammoths and Paraceratherium and it becomes a war between the cyber people and nature monsters. its also a 2 player beat em up on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar where you play s 2 cyborg warriors and fight through the nature monsters the game summoned

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Cloverfield Review

note; I remember when this came out. but not enough to spell well (?????)
this is my review on cloverfeld from 2010  wait, 2008
I never saw t b4 but heard it was good
its by j j abrams who did star wars gx and super 8
I never cared for star wars but super 8 I recall being good
its actually directed by matt reeves who did Under Siege 2: Dark Territory d the new planet of the apes movies
it stars no one I really know or care about except the guy from the texas chainsaw massacre remake who as on the meat hook
so it starts wit footage sayin its like an account of something that happened in soviet new York
then we see camcorder footage of some dink and home with his woman
he goes through his day chatting with his homies and I think they're preparing for a trip to Japan or a wedding or something
so a guy gets in and they cheer as its like a party for him
later me mentions the tape this guy is recording on might have something on it
and after that theres flashes of some chick on a subway like in final destination 3
later its revealed 2 people b0ned and everyone talks of it behind everyone elses back
as 2 guys talk abut 1 not being good enuff for another, the power f's out in soviet new York
da news sez theres a earthquake and an oil tanker capsized
then theres chaos and people running and going nuts from something
the head of the statue o liberty crashes by them on da street
somehow totally missing everyone
then a building gets f;d and the dust comes
main guys hide in a store
something is out there and f ing new York
they go out and the city looks like h-ll
well... it IS new York
looks like escape from new York with the burning f'd-ness
camera guy sez he got it on tape and we see this chick on da subway
they decide to get outta soviet new York
this is turning into the warriors
as they near a bridge 1 guy gets a phone call
then da bridge gets f'd out and they run as it crumbles
oh, I think 1 of em bit it
a news report shows a big creature with small things falling off it coming to life and attacking people
also 1 guy gets a call from a chick who sez shes trapped in her apartment as it collapsed on her
I think its the girl he b0ned
then the military opens fire on this unseen thin and they run as the giant monster goes overhead and the area blows as they get underground
when da empty subway phone guy gets a call and tells his mom his homie bit it
so they walk own the subway tracks
on da ay they mention someone found a fish they thought was long extinct
and maybe this thing attacking is from a crevasse or trench
or another planet
what s this? war of the worlds with tom a55 cruise?!
on the walk in da subway 1 guy mentions a guy who set fire to hoboes in da subway
also theres rats
da lights go out so they use night vision on a camera
they see the monster parasite things it dropped b4 attacking em
they get out into a light area and close a door on em
1 gurl got wounded by it with a bad a55 hole in her back
that'll be a bad a55 scar
scars are cool
so they move on and the military finds em
1 guy tells about the b0ned girl trapped in da building but army man sez dat place is f'd
also the bit girl starts going f'd and leaking blood
they take her to a tent and she blows apart in a blood spray
bad a55
like fist of the north star
she aint gonna be in cloverfield 2
army guy gets em out and sez the gov is gonna let manhattan go
they otta nuke that place
also if the main guys can get to a chopper they can be saved
outside they see a f'd building and its the girl he b0neds place
its leaning against another building art an angle
so they go up the straight building and jump to the crooked one
they get to her apartment and shes damaged
 a rebar through her upper torso
they pull her off it and get her out but the giant monster is coming
I gotta say they did good camera work as it keeps the action in frame and shows what it needs to while looking like a guy with a pocket cam shot it
they go in the straight building but a parasite thing is in it and they fight and get by it
they get out and da monaster f's da buildings around em as choppers fly over
they get to da choppers and get split up
as they fly they see the military blowing the creature from above
but it jumps and takes out da chopper
they go down and we see just wreckage as da military sez theyre gonna blow the place
they all somehow survived
then planes fly past em and attack
and right behind em is da monster
they never noticed that colossal abomination so close to em
it eats camera guy and drops him
btw t looks sorta like da thing from super 8
same universe?
hey hide but its coming and we hear the battle outside
this is kinda like da blair witch project
they record last messages to whoever finds da footage and the place blows
then the footage they recorded over is them at cony island saying they had a good day
the end
that was pretty good
not too long
good acting
good effects
too bad its widescreen
but it wasn't too bad
I liked this
its a survival story with sci fi and mystery
I think it works
its not super awesome but its a good serious monster movie focusing on the effects of an attack instead of pseudo science.
sorta like the 1st Godzilla
plus mentioning going to japan was a good subtle nod to this
its not too violent and only minor reference to b0ning
except that girl bursting in 1 scene
for cloverfield 2 I want it to be years later and the monster has fully taken over new York. the army is keeping the boarder safe and the parasite things it dropped have grown into Invid like creatures that are sentient. those in new York are now slaves to em and many have grown to like it and side with the monsters. the 2 who went to cony island were found and rebuilt with cyborg parts and the girl who was bit and blew open in the 1st movie is rebuilt as a mostly cybernetic body. they plan on using a gravity generator to crush new York by turning he gravity up on it.  but some traitors to the human race are siding with the monsters and try to sabotage it. so they gotta defend it from parasite people and human traitors with cybernetic abilities and vehicles that they plug their cyber parts into. no. they gotta clear out the areas to plant the gravity generator parts of those groups. also its a 16 bit sega genesis, super nes and Atari jaguar beat em up game where you play as either one or more of couple, the burst girl or a parasite wjo turned on his kind after not fitting in, and beat the bad guys apart into a splattery burst. its up to 4 players and has equipable mech suits that boost your power for a time.

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Vertical Limit Review

note; I hate heights. but do I hate this fim?
vertical limit
this is my review from vertical limit from 2000
its got val kilmer
it don't
its chris odonnel
why'd I think it had val kilmer??
its directed by martin campbell who also did golden eye, mask of zorro, legend of zorro, casino royale, edge of darkness (I liked dat 1) and green lantern from 2011
so it starts with this arizona wasteland and a badkly animated bird flying
gamecube sonic games looked less f;d
chris, his sister and dad are climbing these high rock things and singing 20th century music
after dad telling them to be safe, some rookies fall from above and f em off
they hang by a robe but the wall stuff wont hold em and snaps 1 at a time
the green climbers fall and go to H E Double Ireland
sister trys to get em in da wall but cant
so dad has chris cut the rope to save him and his sister
holy h-ll this is almost comedic
its so standard and over the top
its like ace ventura with the raccoon or w/e
later chris is in the north and photographing snow leopards from in a metal box
hope they find a sasquatch
later him and his partner come down the mountain and partner falls, his leg goes in 2 rocks and busts
good f--k this is like a 3 stooges thing!
is this a comedy?
a chopper takes em back
wait, chris is the chopper pilot
I thought he was da camera homie
they go to base and these foreigners talk in some gaijin talk
they were there for 6 years and lost thousands
none to the Indians
as in india
not the America ones or sports team
they get cash from rich white people climbing this mountain and paying out da a55 for permits
see? u don't need to tax the 1%. just give them something worth their cash
so after delivering the cr-p to the base, he meets sister at another base
now, I think there are places man was not meant to go
like space
or miles under water
or this frozen h-llscape
so shes a great climber and going on a mountain climbing thing
oh I think this guy shes gay for is going with her
then we see this guy who looks like star wars episode 8 the last jedi luke skywalker who has no toes
reminds me of roots where toby gets his foot chopped for trying to escape
then her bf comes in and sees this guy named ed who's a super climber who did 12/14 earths best peaks w/o oxygen
bf is bill Paxton from aliens
so bf is climbing for a publicity stunt to promote his new airline
after he reaches da top a plane flies overhead
also is a girl whos French Canadian and this guy I don't recognize knows her frenchness makes her awful
oh and the guy is not named ed
at night bf gives a speech and toeless jedi luke asks who chooses who lives or not up there
bf sez its some guy I didn't get
later toeless luke shaves his beard
later chris and sis talk about why he stopped climbing after icing their dad
also, why didn't dad have a knife of his own?
also; chris looks like chris pratt from Jurassic world with dat hair
so during commercials I checked IMBD and found the toeless feet are real and this was intended to be a cliffhanger sequel(the stallone movie)
I emptied a gun into john Lithgow and beat him off a cliff
in the Gameboy game of cliffhanger
its not bad but takes some figuring out and some parts are cheap
also I read this is a loose remake of The Wages of Fear ( 1953) and Sorcerer ( 1977)(which I never saw)
the next day bf and sis are climbing this thing with this expert I thought was ed
imma call him ed
so ed don't want to risk their safety over a marketing thing
oh and this climb was attempted b4 with only bf as the survivor
at base, chris finds out theres a storm or something commin
oh ed's name is really tom
chris calls em to say to turn back
but bf gets tom to keep going
what is this? jagi twisting shin to take yuria from Kenshiro in fist of the north star?!
so they go higher but a storm comes in and they gotta find shelter
bf yells f--k you to the storm
when the sun gets in my eyes or on my ds, I say; f u sun! you giant yellow c-ck sucker!
s then the ground gives out and sis falls in an ice cave'
then outta nowhere theres an avalanche and bf falls In da cave
then it pushes tom in it
from da cave, sis uses morse code to tell the situation
chris translates
that's actually cool
oh and I think there were more but only 3 survived
chris sez its more than snow, theres ice and rock
and they need special tools
but 1 guy sez they have 36 hours b4 they bite it from water in the lungs or w/e
and they don't know their location
turns out he people have nitro to blast and it don't freeze easy
but 1 guy has his foot in melted nitro or something
so they take off his shoe slow and leave slow
they throw his shoe and it goes up in a fireboom
so if they move nitro too much it blows
what is this? Castlevania 64?
at night the en don't wanna go
but chris talks some into it
and 2 new Zealand homies or w/e join in
1 guy offers em each 0.5 million $$ if they get back
btw turns out chris is the photographer
I just didn't recognize him
in da cave bf gets a plan to keep em alive with water or something
1guy sez this guy went up the peak and lost his toes but couldn't find his wife
saved 3 guys though
no one knows where he is
later they get ready to go and 1 kiwi comments on a chick smoking near them in nitro
and jokes about b0ning her mouth
so she slugs him
violence as a response to words
totally civilized
besides, she shouldn't be smoking near nitro
should she?
I know little of nitro
does fire set it off?
later, toeless luke is on the peak and da chopper lands
the guys want his help but he sez no
when he hears bf is up there e takes command and joins in
1 kiwi don't wanna climb w/ not his brother (who's p-ssing on the  mountain) but toeless gives him orders
so they go up in da storm but the chopper f;s out an nearly wacks em
the chopper blades chop the chick's arm
now she cant slug people for words she don't like
the guys get off and chopper heads to base
in da cave tom or w/e I called him might bite it
bf sez to let him as they cant save him
sis wants to try
that's actually good as it shows the difference between those trying to save bf and bf
he's willing to cut off possible loose ends to save himself
but chris and friends are risking it to save him
kinda like in rob roy how rob roy and the brit are so different in honor
or transformers the movie how after optimus and megatron fall the 2 sides choose their new leader differently
bf tells tom to bite it
the look in toms eyes as hes told to go to literally h-ll is pretty tough
later a kiwi chats to 1 guy about how different religions say different things that send us to h-ll
toeless talks to chris about how he did the right thing cutting off dad
and if dad had the knife he'd do it himself
btw how did they get off the 1st thing?
no one was around and they couldn't get back to da rock
so toeless calls ice cave and lets him know they're coming
but don't let sis talk to chris
in da cave sis is getting lung fluid but bf wont give her da needle as he might need it later (even though hes not sick now)
cuz tom is called leader hes gonna take da blame
but its bf's fault theyre there
hen 1 guy falls off the thing and slides down the mountain until he catches the edge of a cliff with his pickaxe
that scene was used in all da trailers
chick is able to catch the guy but goes over but hangs from a rope
so she swings him over to rocks
imagine if her arm came off and fell
after swinging it drops a nitro and it blows
meanwhile sis and bf are trying to get a backpack that can save em
the nitro shakes da cave they are in
oh da guy who went over was da kiwi brother
he was gonna give her da rope but another avalanche takes him out
the chick was on the side of da cliff
chris almoist goes back for em but toeless sez sis and bf are still alive and the 2 who just blew might not be
oh and da chick survived
in da bad was the live saving fluids they need
but bf don't want sis to give it to tom
chick later she meets up with a guy who reveals shes had to be b0ning a guy to get this job
also she busted her hand punching the guy b4
I think da guy is chris
later some nitro blows and base tells chris to get his nitro backpack outta the sun
but the religious guy from b4is outta range
so chris climbs and tells them to radio
they turn on radios bit it takes time to get da message as the radios are cr-p
he get it in da shade but some leaks out into da sun nd blows em
btw the religious guy the kiwi talked to about going to h-ll is kareem like that guy from Yugioh season 5 memory world
kiwi talked about h-ll when religious guy was praying to his god b4
the blast bursts loose the toeless guys wife frozen and toeless and chick find her
chris comes in and sez 4 years ago she guided the team up da mountain
bf was on it and said she lost her meds and bit it
but he really did something to it
and toeless wants to ice bf
chris wants to stop him but can hardly function at the VERTICAL LIMIT and toeless is used to the heights
at night chris talks to sis on radio about bringing dads ashes to the peak as he was happy up there
she wants him to ditch her but he wants to not
she sez bye and its a touching scene
good acting from chris odonnell
hes more than dick in batman and robin
later bf is coughing and he goes up to tom
tom; r u gonna kill me now?
bf; yes
stabs him with a needle
that's pretty f'd
but also hardcore
but a bt funny like in black lion here Shishimaru sez" Ginnai! I will kill you now!" and cuts him in 2
later bf is trying to dig out and sis sees tom is iced
so she attacks him
I think
chris runs and jumps of a cliff to get across a chasm and sticks the ice wall with 2 pickaxes
shouldn't the impact of hitting da wall f him up?
also heres not much water left and the fire went out
so they drain dead a55 tom of blood which hasnt frozen yet and push a baggie of it above a cave to burst on da ice to show where they are
I can see a p0rn0 parody using spurm for it
chris finds em and sends a note saying "bang"
again; this can be used in a p0rn0 parody
they pour da nitro on a thing and set a charge as everyone takes cover
why not just use ur ki to melt it?
or use ur ki to sense where they are?
bf ties sis on a pulley thing and chris and chick pull her up
but da ice busts and they nearly drop her
and da spike holding em in is coming out
but toeless stomps it in and saves em
toeless goes don't to face bf
and bf is too f'd from health to stop him
he attax but toeless counters and hold him over a edge
but saves him
they try bringing up I think da dead tom
but his feet hit ice and the whole thing cr-ps out and they're hanging by a rope
toeless decides h-ll is the place they both belong so he cuts da rope and he and bf fall
using the opening as da ending
so after they somehow get outta there and are at base they saved sis
and the chick, I think, I cant tell without her winter outfit, kisses chris
sis sings some song that chris thnks she made up
sis sez dad'd be proud of him
chris is by the memorial to those who bit it up there
none for bf I think
then credits to good 80s/90s style movie music
the end
I liked that
it was pretty good
some parts were cheesy but it had some pretty good ideas and scenes
plus toeless was based on a real guy
put it on da history channel
better than texas chansaw massacre and boogie nights
huh, the snow leopards were real
pretty good film
nowadays it would all be greenscreen and cgi
but here its real and looks great
for vertical limit 2 I want the boyfriend and toeless to wake up inside the depths of da cave and are being healed by high tech sci fi mammoth sasquatch people. the m s p want to find out what makes em tick and are gonna vivisect em. so toeless has to work with bf to et out before they are chopped up. also its a 2 player beat em up on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar and gba where you fight through these mammoth sasquatch people and try to get out of the endless caves in the mountain.