Monday, October 22, 2018

Jumanji Review

note; the movie is good but the spelling is bad
this is my reviw on Jumanji from 1995
its got robin Williams and is based on a book I never read
I saw the simpsons halloween parody of diss and it waz good
its directed by joe johnson who did
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989) I liked
The Rocketeer (1991) never saw
The Pagemaster (1994) I liked and has on sega
October Sky (1999) whixch was good
Jurassic Park III (2001) whixh I saw in theatres and didn't hate
Hidalgo (2004)which I didn't see
The Wolfman (2010) which I liked
and Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) which I liked
I even played the board game of Jumanji in da 90z
btw Ju is Japanese for 10 or beast depending on how its spelled
Like Jushin Liger (beast god liger)
and Manji is a swastika
Like Manjimaru in Sakigake!! Otokojuku spells his name with a swastika
its also got kirstin dunst from the good spider man movies
bradley pierce who as tails in the 90s sonic sAT AM cartoon
and the hunter is also played by the dad actor and was in anaconda
so the film starts with thse guys in da 1800s burying a box in da woods
then its like 100 years later and its da 60s
main guy is a kid and this gang of white kids chase after him on bikes
he escapes to his dads factory and da kids are waiting
why do they wanna kill him?
this black worker shows him this new shoe he designed
main guy wants a ride home but dad sez he has to face his problems and not run away
also the shoe is accidentally left on the line and f's a machine
black guy takes a heat
the kids beat the h-ll outta main kid off camera and jack his bike
then he sees a construction site behind him and finds this box they buried a century ago
its like he was drawn to it
does he have psychic abilities?
at home he finds its a board game
later dad finds it was more than just that 1 kid who beat his a55
dads proud he stood up to those kids
fight to the end like a true Mongolian
also dad wants to send him to military school
but kid don't wanna go
rents go to a party and main kid is gon run away
but this girl comes by and brings his bike and told the kids to stop beating him
they start playing Jumanji and main kid gets sucked into the gAME until the dice roll 5 or 8
then bats come out da chimney and she books it
26 years later these whjte people are gonna make a bed and breakfast
its an aunt and her bro's kids
her bro and his woman bit it
immA Call da kids tails and mj After their better known roles
mj gives a f'd story of em biting it
but its all cr-p and they bit it in a car crash in Canada
like the director of a Christmas story, black Christmas and baby geniuses 1 and 2
they go in a room and see an African bat
later a pest control guy comes in and sez da dad chopped up main kid years ago and hid him there
also they find no bats
she tells her aunt of the kid chopping but aunt gets p-ssed at her for lying
later they hear drums and find Jumanji
tails picks up 2 pieces but they automatically go to the board
mj thinks its microchips
they roll and giant moskeetoes come out and escape
the next roll summons pretty not bad 90s cgi monkeys in da kitchen
they get out
mj reads that u gotta finish da game to make the summoned things go
also tails got doubles so he goes again
and a lion is summoned
but robin Williams tricks it into a room and closes da door
that'/ll stop a huge a55 lion
a wood door
he looks like a bible mad max character
also hes mentally a kid and a grown a55 hairy man
like jack or w/e his movie as that 4x age kid was in the 90s
also he expects his rents to be here
he walks into a road and is nearly run over by a black cop so he jumps on the hood of a car
kids say he was in indonesa and had a head injury
then the monkeys take his car
main guy finds the factory slummed out
a hobo living there sez after kid ran away dad spent everything to find him
and loved him more than anything
also hobo gives main guy cloths
main guy finds their graves
then a ambulance comes and finds a chick who a mosteeko bit
she has the aids
they get in da chicks car and the bug penetrates the windshield with its proboscis
good f--k that things rom h-ll!!
main guy rives em but not as well as Michael myers in Halloween 01
at home a kids wanna finish Jumanji but main guy don't
he cuts his mad max hair, which should be like sailor venus or something after 26 years, and shaves
he wants to continue where he left off (6th grade ) but kids say hes afraid
main guy tell em of the h-ll he faced for a quarter century in there
pretty bad a55
was this pg or pg13?
back when that meant something
it was rated 12 in brazil, 13 in malasya 12 in germany and japan
buncha candy a55 countries
so they try to play but its blondes turn
they go to her home and shes a psychic
main guy; 26 years ago u played a game with a boy
blonde; how did u know?
main guy; I was that little boy
good h-ll that's horror movie cr-p!
she don't believe hes real but they get her to come around
she rolls and they face ma eating plants
yuri from Yugioh arc v?
Seymore from little shop of horrors?
a vine/tentacle gets 1 of em but mainguy gets a samurai word and saves em
blonde wants to go but main guy pulls her back
se sez da game ruined her life but main guy said he had it worse
main guy rolls and it summons da hunter who's played by his dads actor
main guy runs and hunter shoots up black cops car
he gets back and after bickering about being cr-ppy, mj rolls and a stampede happens
btw main guy gave himself a pretty good haircut fort someone who never did it b4'
oh and robin Williams thought this was too scary a movie for kids and didn't let his kids see it
I liked this as a kid
but I also liked Jurassic park at age 6
after da stampede a bird takes the game
meanwhile hunter wants more ammo
but they stopped making it in 1903
so he buys a big a55 gun
and the gun store guy don't follow da laws
so more laws wont stop it
store guy; ur not a postal worker r u?
after getting da game back and getting it from da river it fell in
black cop takes main guy away and hunter trys to j fk him but misses
also tails tried to cheet and is turned into an apeboy
In da car ride main guy reveals hes the kid
also the monkees are f ing up da town
hnter takes da game but tails the were ape snags it and a stampede goes over him in a car
hes ok but hunter gets da game and goes in da mall
oh and people are looting da mall
ape tails bites hunter and they barcode scan is eyes and get back da game
main guy is set free but handcuffs black cop (who was the shoe guy from b4) to da car
but hears of the hunter on a radio and drives with cop on is lap
the kids use home alone cr-p in da store to use cleaner and scuba tanks at a discount store to fire hunter in da wall
this is a cartoon
hunter uses tires to stop em but sez he cant ice blonde as main guy rolled da dice
so they somehow get away with da game and go home
main guy gives advice about manning up to tails but regrets it as its wat his dad sed
but kid is upset as his tail is crammed in his pants
what is this? dragon ball gt?!
oh and apartmently I missed a bit where cop car hit hunter or w/e as hunter gets outta paint cans
also cop drives to the home but sees aunt and a plant eats his car
they play da game inside and a monsoon happens indoors
btw the non cgi effects are great
they fight gators in the flooded house
cop and aunt kick the front door and the water flushes out
btw the theres enuff water to flow down the street
and main guy swims against it to escape a gator
that's sonic level ability
later 1 player rools and the floor turns to cgi quicksand
mj I think rolls and the quicksand floor turns normal but main guy is sealed in it
tails the apeasaur rolls and spiders come out
main guy tells tailr to get his dads axe in the woodshed
like its still there 30 years later
tails goes there and its locked
so he uses an axe nearby to cut at it
then realizes it and runs back
that's funny
aunt sees tails the apeula and he locks her in da closet
blonde is sealed arms in da floor and she uses her mouth to roll dice
mj gets snipered by a plant hidden in da floor
da house splits open and main guy and blonde are freed
after falling, main guy has the dice but hunter has him
he drops da dice but 1 rolls down a crack for like a minute
what is it?! a Beyblade?!
main guy sez hes not afraid and the dice resolves
as hunter fires the game ends and everything is sucked back in and its the 60s again
dad returns and main kid hugs him and sez sorry
they reconcile and dad wont send him to military school
aww this is good
also he admits he put the shoe on the machine
the kids don't exist yet and I assume any minor changes will alter the timeline to make them not exist
think of this
when a human life starts, an egg is fertilized by one of out millions of sp-rm
any minor change will change which one fertilizes the egg
so if even a guy breathes different for one second, it starts the timeline down a different path and all events after are altered
so basically, he should totally f up history
also the blonde knows which companies are gonna do good or not and can play the market to get rich
or maybe stop cr-p like gacy or ross perot
they tie up da game with rocks and throw it in da water
then blonde smooches main kid and cuts to a xmas party in da 90s playing hark the herald angel sings
btw this totally isn't its a wonderful life
main guy and blonde are married and his rents are alive
as are mj and tails and their rents
and they tel them not to go to soviet Canada as they know its gonna ice em
this just became ecco the dolphin
later 2 Frenchie girls find Jumanji on a beach
the end
that was pretty good
a 90s classic
good effects that sort of hold up
good story
good action
good acting
good writing
nothing awful about t
maybe a few minor swear words
but the simpsons is far worse
a good tvpg is horror action fantasy movie
and its got good pacing and don't feel long
it just whizzes by
for Jumanji 2 I want it to be the 2060s and these cyborg kids find the game. but as the animals come out, they have never seen em b4 as most were wiped out in the last nucular war. the kids realize if they end da game the creatures will go away. so they use experiments on the game and find its magic. but the game don't like this and starts summoning more extreme monsters like dinosaurs and mammoths and Paraceratherium and it becomes a war between the cyber people and nature monsters. its also a 2 player beat em up on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar where you play s 2 cyborg warriors and fight through the nature monsters the game summoned

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