Wednesday, October 10, 2018

The Count Of Monte Cristo Review

note; I spell better than the French functioned after napoleon
the count of monte cristo
this is my review on the count of monte cristo (1934 ver)
I saw the 2002 one with jim caviezel and guy pierce
it was good but changed a lot
so imma do da 30s one
also I saw the simpsons version and it was pretty good
its based on a book by alexander dumas and stars none I know of
its inspired by actual events
its directed by Rowland V. Lee who also did the 3 musketeers 30s ver, son of Frankenstein, tower of London in 1939 and captain kidd
oh and count of monte cristo gx (son of monte cristo)
it starts with text saying in 1815 napoleon lost and the king lewis 18 is trying to make peace
napoleon got exiled like zee kaiser and now is on an island
but people still like him and want him back
a boat stops by napoleons island
then theres a storm and captain has aids or something as hes sick
he gives a guy a note that sez the guy with the secret word is waiting for it from the captain
but someone on da boat hears
good effects on the storm
so they get to some place and the French king is executing those loyal to napoleon
some moustache guy wants to free napoleon and return him to his rightful rule
but cant go to meet da boat as he must stay in the shadows
also the gf of main guy is there and her mom don't consent to her dating the sea guy
and wants da guy in charge of boats to do something
mustachio finds out captain bit it and 2st mate has da letter
a minion meets main guy and sez to come back after he sees his gf
why not get da letter now??
hes right there!
also main guy is the new captain
he reunites with his gf and its got 20s-40s music that's moving and they make out
this guy named Fernand trys to get her to ditch him but it don't work and he gives up
I think its the head boat guy
the guy who heard aids captain and main guy on da boat outs main guy to someone and they get a warrant to arrest him as a spy once he makes contact with who hes to contact
and its to keep main guy from marrying her
sounds like something wedding peach would try to stop
later main guy and gf joke around and have g rated fun by a tree
they climb it and talk about da future and make out
later mustachio goes to a party main guy and gf dance at
hes engaged to her now
they toast to em and throw their glasses at the fireplace
mustachio gives main guy da code word and gets the paper
but da cops nab them after da exchange
mustachio is the dad of the head boat guy (I think hes the head of da town)
and if word got out his dad was against the king, it would f his a55
so he has him sent away and covers it up
mustachio sez main guy knows nothing but boat guy don't buy it
main guy is brought in and sez hes loyal to da king
he never read the letter and never knew who the guy he gave it to is
he was only following orders of da last captain
1 of his homies lies and sez main guy was the one who got da letter
and Ferdinand or w/e his name is bax him up
main guy figures out they are working together to f him for being ship captain and the gf
I should note in the 2002 ver; main guy don't figure it out until years later
they dumbed him down in that one to made his rise look greater without working too hard at making him look smart
they take him away and lock him up w/o trial
spoiler; the frenchies are the bad guys
just like real life
no freedom and oppressive gov
just like soviet England
so in island jail (Alcatraz??) the warden is given a note saying to hold him and not let him communicate outside
main guy writes a note to give to his homie to get his lawyer
the prison is a pee pee soaked heck hole with inmates chained up and locked in da dark
later napoleon escapes
the inbred fata55 king is freaked out and p-ssed off and gets the soldiers
main guy is listed as iced and only told of as number 27 (Dreadnought Dreadnoid in attack mode)
bad guys get word hes iced and he tells the gf
in jail the guards don't speak to him and he grabs 1
they chain him up for a while and don't ice him as the governer gets cash for each live prisoner
so napoleon fights and gets beat and years later gfs mom bites it and has her marry the Ferdinand
oh and I think her mom is called Mercedes
wait, its the gf
sounds like a dancer name
a dancer who don't wear much
later main guy (named dante like the biker in violence jack h-lls wind) hears sound through the wall
he taps it and breaks a pot to cut through the stuff holding the bricks in
after moving 1 block he meets a geezer
he spent 6 years digging to get out
he finds hes been there 8 years
they use a fake body made of human waste or something and a cloth to pull the bed to the wall so the guards think hes still in there
they serve his food through da door as he grabbed 1 b4 and they don't take chances
in geezers cell hes used his smarts to macgyver candles and matches and pens and ink
also hes super smart and knows a lot of science and has much university stuff
they think hes nuts and let him have chalk so he draws on da walls info like math and calendars and bible art
also hes super rich and offered the guards 6 million franks to release him
he got it from working for a duke and being made the heir to his fortune
dukes foes wanted it and tried torturing the location of treasure
then locked him up
he offers half da treasure to him if they get out
main guy has an autism attack and wants revenge on those who ruined him
what is this?
fist of the north star?
betrayed by former comrades
sent to h-ll
they got his woman
and now he's rising back for revenge?
well, count of monte cristo is popular in japan
also ben hur did that too
so geezer don't think hes ready for the treasure
and wants to train him to be a good guy
he sends dante back and prays to God
nowadays they'd edit out the faith
he sent him back as the guard might come
yet dante was only up there for like 45 seconds
oh and Ferdinand is the kings treasurer
and has a son with her
and the king gave him his family title back
the other bad guys work together and get high rewards from the king
also they are against a human rights guy who'll cut into their profits
they have him wacked
its marilin Monroe all over again
so after years of digging and growing duck dynasty beards, the tide got water in and loosened the rocks
but then the tunnel caves in and rocks crush geezer
main guy gets him to his cell somehow and is given his will naming him his heir
he gives dante advice to do justice and goes to heaven
later he calls help and hides in da tunnel as da guards come in to find geezer
they're gonna dump him in da sea
aft tying him in a cloth they go for the irons
dante cuts him free, carrys him to his room, hides him in his bed, gets back and sews himself in the cloth all before they get back
they chuck him into da sea and he cuts himself free on da bottom and swims away
he finds a log and a ship finds him
when taken on his beard is bone dry
after a shave he learns they are smugglers and hes a sailor
he goes by Sinbad
the black guy from jingle all the way?
at monte cristo island he goes in and finds a big a55 treasure
how'd they get it there?
I assume duke had it hidden and all who knew where it is chopped up
like with the pharaohs
a title card sez he planned his revenge and slipped back into the place he was arrested at
he sends his minions to get info on the 3
and hes gonna set up his count of monte cristo persona
later hes fencing and kicks a55
later a minion returns and they talk about how gay paris is
in the 1800s that meant one thing
but by the 1990s...
oh and they are in rome
dante uses his stuff to get his smuggler minions to get one enemy to owe him a lot of cash
if they it, hes gonna be iced in the catacombs of rome
but the dante saves him and plays his friend
his promotion of himself b4 appearing is like gabbo in the simpsons
oh the guy he saved was one of the bad guys kids
dante meets the bad guys in paris and they don't know its him
oh the kid is Mercedes kid
he reunites with her and she don't know its him
I think she sees it
good acting from the gf
she shows a mix of emotions
later he forges a letter saying he is to get unlimited credit
he needs 6 million money and always carrys a million
he sez he gon buy a lot of brittish stock as he knows it'll go well
it does
the bad guys choose to follow his advice
later the greatest detective in Europe comes in and sez dante lived 16 years after being declared iced
and bit it after being thrown out in the sea
but he thinks dante might be alive
but the detective is working for dante
and dante plans to come out about his identity
also he buys a newspaper (I think as in the company)
then plans on having a party
and gf's son wants to marry a chick
later gf confronts dante of being her bf
but dante sez they are different
after much poetic chatter they agree to stay formal
but I think they both know who eachother is
later at da party theres acrobats and dancers
and da bad guys r there
they have tablows (people posing in images to show events) of the counts wins
wait, its the bad guy
one of em is him trying to save a guy
and a chick comes up and sez the bad guy actually betrayed her dad (the guy in the tablow) iced the witnesses and sold her and mom to slavery
this chick was ordered by the dante
but da dante defends da bad guy
keeping his foes close
but letting them think hes their homies
like vector in Yugioh zexal
and dante has the paper he bought tell the story that the accusations are true
bad guy reads da paper and gets a gun
he goes to a room to ice someone but the door closes and its dark
dante can see in da dark from years in jail and sez his gun is aimed at him
he guides bad guy to a table with matches and gets his gun when bad guy lights em
he didn't have a gun at 1st
but now he does
bad guy sez he'd have found out why b4 capping him and given him a choice of weapons to duel
but I think hes lying
dante gives him a chance to fight and bad guy chooses blades
he gives baddy clues and baddy eventually gets who he is
they swordfight to epic music and dante easily disarms him
but lets him go home here reporters swarm
once there he blows his brains out offscreen
later detective reveals a baddy gave him cash to give baddy dantes telegraph messages
dante has him give baddy messages made by dante
then the baddy buys a lot of stock in something dantes messages aid was good
they f out
bad guy sees dante but he reveals the messages were in code where buy meant sell
and the guys he messaged were owned by dante
and dante is da count
bad guy snaps and is a vegetable
later gf's kid confronts dante over his dad blowing his brains out
and having the chick his dad sold into slavery and iced da dad of in his company
but... his dad f'd her up
its like if the qweens went mental at daiana's bf's dad for outing them wacking his son and her
he ruined a lot of people and when his past bites him in da a55, they get mad at the one he wrecked for outing it??
this kid is f'd
so kid challenges dante to a duel
hes got this notion his dad was honorable
btw in the 2002 ver; the kid was actually the counts illegitimate kid created b4 he was locked up by b0ning his gf b4 marriage
that's not how the book went
b4 the duel, he makes a will and gives provisions for his minions and homies
then da gf comes in and tells him not to ice her kid
she thinks hes bad for being vengeful
he sez hes taking down crooks who ruin others

she sez she raised him to be like dante and kid likes the count
he sez kid wants to do this to avoid being sees as a wiener
she don't want kids gf to go through what she had when date went to jail
then they duel with pretty good camera work zooming back as they pace
but both miss
gf told kid who count is
then dante is arrested and charged with being a traitor and all the cr-p he did in jail
but he don't say anything in defence
gf tells sons gf about the count and writes dante a note sayin if he goes to jail he'd feel like its her fault
btw theres a crucifix in the court
nowadays some malcontents would go on gee haad against it
he speaks up and calls da 3rd baddy, the prosecution, as a witness
he reveals baddys dad was with napoleon and dante was sacrificed to protect him
and the witness was the other baddy who swindled a lot of people for profit
and this baddy prosecution is the brains behind it
and dante has built a book on baddys schemes and actions
oh and they wheel around the accused in a cart with wheels in the court
later its implied the baddy is convicted and dante and gf are in the tree from b4
kid and kid gf wanna come up the make out tree but he tells em; find ur own tree
the end
that was quite good
it has class and style
not much action but not boring
no swearing or lust or gore or purvoes
this movie has good pacing
good acting
and god camera work
for the mid 30s this was pretty good
its well made and doesnt feel like nearly 2 hours
for the count of monte cristo 2 I want the vegetable bad guy to be taken over by a daemon and try to bring down the count. but the count is trained in holy skills. so vegetable guy goes to da king and fuses with him. using his king rule, he declares open season on the count and makes it the law that the frenchies gotta be turned daemon. count gets napoleon out and as him lead the good frenchies in battle against the daemon ones with holy skills and items he had saved on the island of monte cristo. its also a strategy game like advance wars on sega genesis, gba, snes and sega cd and has you play as either the king or napoleon and fight  in battles to save or ruin france. also its got anime style cut scenes of the characters like in phantasy star 4 and a synth 80s soundtrack.

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