The Count Of Monte Cristo Review

note; I spell better than the French functioned after napoleon

the count of monte cristo

this is my review on the count of monte cristo (1934 ver)

I saw the 2002 one with jim caviezel and guy pierce

it was good but changed a lot

so imma do da 30s one

also I saw the simpsons version and it was pretty good

its based on a book by alexander dumas and stars none I know of

huh

its inspired by actual events

its directed by Rowland V. Lee who also did the 3 musketeers 30s ver, son of Frankenstein, tower of London in 1939 and captain kidd

oh and count of monte cristo gx (son of monte cristo)

it starts with text saying in 1815 napoleon lost and the king lewis 18 is trying to make peace

napoleon got exiled like zee kaiser and now is on an island

but people still like him and want him back

a boat stops by napoleons island

then theres a storm and captain has aids or something as hes sick

he gives a guy a note that sez the guy with the secret word is waiting for it from the captain

but someone on da boat hears

good effects on the storm

so they get to some place and the French king is executing those loyal to napoleon

some moustache guy wants to free napoleon and return him to his rightful rule

but cant go to meet da boat as he must stay in the shadows

also the gf of main guy is there and her mom don't consent to her dating the sea guy

and wants da guy in charge of boats to do something

mustachio finds out captain bit it and 2st mate has da letter

a minion meets main guy and sez to come back after he sees his gf

why not get da letter now??

hes right there!

also main guy is the new captain

he reunites with his gf and its got 20s-40s music that's moving and they make out

this guy named Fernand trys to get her to ditch him but it don't work and he gives up

I think its the head boat guy

the guy who heard aids captain and main guy on da boat outs main guy to someone and they get a warrant to arrest him as a spy once he makes contact with who hes to contact

and its to keep main guy from marrying her

sounds like something wedding peach would try to stop

later main guy and gf joke around and have g rated fun by a tree

they climb it and talk about da future and make out

later mustachio goes to a party main guy and gf dance at

hes engaged to her now

they toast to em and throw their glasses at the fireplace

mustachio gives main guy da code word and gets the paper

but da cops nab them after da exchange

mustachio is the dad of the head boat guy (I think hes the head of da town)

and if word got out his dad was against the king, it would f his a55

so he has him sent away and covers it up

mustachio sez main guy knows nothing but boat guy don't buy it

main guy is brought in and sez hes loyal to da king

he never read the letter and never knew who the guy he gave it to is

he was only following orders of da last captain

1 of his homies lies and sez main guy was the one who got da letter

and Ferdinand or w/e his name is bax him up

main guy figures out they are working together to f him for being ship captain and the gf

I should note in the 2002 ver; main guy don't figure it out until years later

they dumbed him down in that one to made his rise look greater without working too hard at making him look smart

they take him away and lock him up w/o trial

spoiler; the frenchies are the bad guys

just like real life

no freedom and oppressive gov

just like soviet England

so in island jail (Alcatraz??) the warden is given a note saying to hold him and not let him communicate outside

main guy writes a note to give to his homie to get his lawyer

the prison is a pee pee soaked heck hole with inmates chained up and locked in da dark

later napoleon escapes

the inbred fata55 king is freaked out and p-ssed off and gets the soldiers

main guy is listed as iced and only told of as number 27 (Dreadnought Dreadnoid in attack mode)

bad guys get word hes iced and he tells the gf

in jail the guards don't speak to him and he grabs 1

they chain him up for a while and don't ice him as the governer gets cash for each live prisoner

so napoleon fights and gets beat and years later gfs mom bites it and has her marry the Ferdinand

oh and I think her mom is called Mercedes

wait, its the gf

sounds like a dancer name

a dancer who don't wear much

later main guy (named dante like the biker in violence jack h-lls wind) hears sound through the wall

he taps it and breaks a pot to cut through the stuff holding the bricks in

after moving 1 block he meets a geezer

he spent 6 years digging to get out

he finds hes been there 8 years

they use a fake body made of human waste or something and a cloth to pull the bed to the wall so the guards think hes still in there

they serve his food through da door as he grabbed 1 b4 and they don't take chances

in geezers cell hes used his smarts to macgyver candles and matches and pens and ink

also hes super smart and knows a lot of science and has much university stuff

they think hes nuts and let him have chalk so he draws on da walls info like math and calendars and bible art

also hes super rich and offered the guards 6 million franks to release him

he got it from working for a duke and being made the heir to his fortune

dukes foes wanted it and tried torturing the location of treasure

then locked him up

he offers half da treasure to him if they get out

main guy has an autism attack and wants revenge on those who ruined him

what is this?

fist of the north star?

betrayed by former comrades

sent to h-ll

they got his woman

and now he's rising back for revenge?

well, count of monte cristo is popular in japan

also ben hur did that too

so geezer don't think hes ready for the treasure

and wants to train him to be a good guy

he sends dante back and prays to God

nowadays they'd edit out the faith

he sent him back as the guard might come

yet dante was only up there for like 45 seconds

oh and Ferdinand is the kings treasurer

and has a son with her

and the king gave him his family title back

the other bad guys work together and get high rewards from the king

also they are against a human rights guy who'll cut into their profits

they have him wacked

its marilin Monroe all over again

so after years of digging and growing duck dynasty beards, the tide got water in and loosened the rocks

but then the tunnel caves in and rocks crush geezer

main guy gets him to his cell somehow and is given his will naming him his heir

he gives dante advice to do justice and goes to heaven

later he calls help and hides in da tunnel as da guards come in to find geezer

they're gonna dump him in da sea

aft tying him in a cloth they go for the irons

dante cuts him free, carrys him to his room, hides him in his bed, gets back and sews himself in the cloth all before they get back

they chuck him into da sea and he cuts himself free on da bottom and swims away

he finds a log and a ship finds him

when taken on his beard is bone dry

after a shave he learns they are smugglers and hes a sailor

he goes by Sinbad

the black guy from jingle all the way?

at monte cristo island he goes in and finds a big a55 treasure

how'd they get it there?

I assume duke had it hidden and all who knew where it is chopped up

like with the pharaohs

a title card sez he planned his revenge and slipped back into the place he was arrested at

he sends his minions to get info on the 3

and hes gonna set up his count of monte cristo persona

later hes fencing and kicks a55

later a minion returns and they talk about how gay paris is

in the 1800s that meant one thing

but by the 1990s...

oh and they are in rome

dante uses his stuff to get his smuggler minions to get one enemy to owe him a lot of cash

if they it, hes gonna be iced in the catacombs of rome

but the dante saves him and plays his friend

huh

his promotion of himself b4 appearing is like gabbo in the simpsons

oh the guy he saved was one of the bad guys kids

dante meets the bad guys in paris and they don't know its him

oh the kid is Mercedes kid

he reunites with her and she don't know its him

wait

I think she sees it

good acting from the gf

she shows a mix of emotions

later he forges a letter saying he is to get unlimited credit

he needs 6 million money and always carrys a million

he sez he gon buy a lot of brittish stock as he knows it'll go well

it does

the bad guys choose to follow his advice

later the greatest detective in Europe comes in and sez dante lived 16 years after being declared iced

and bit it after being thrown out in the sea

but he thinks dante might be alive

but the detective is working for dante

and dante plans to come out about his identity

also he buys a newspaper (I think as in the company)

then plans on having a party

and gf's son wants to marry a chick

later gf confronts dante of being her bf

but dante sez they are different

after much poetic chatter they agree to stay formal

but I think they both know who eachother is

later at da party theres acrobats and dancers

and da bad guys r there

they have tablows (people posing in images to show events) of the counts wins

wait, its the bad guy

one of em is him trying to save a guy

and a chick comes up and sez the bad guy actually betrayed her dad (the guy in the tablow) iced the witnesses and sold her and mom to slavery

this chick was ordered by the dante

but da dante defends da bad guy

clever

keeping his foes close

but letting them think hes their homies

like vector in Yugioh zexal

and dante has the paper he bought tell the story that the accusations are true

bad guy reads da paper and gets a gun

he goes to a room to ice someone but the door closes and its dark

dante can see in da dark from years in jail and sez his gun is aimed at him

he guides bad guy to a table with matches and gets his gun when bad guy lights em

he didn't have a gun at 1st

but now he does

bad guy sez he'd have found out why b4 capping him and given him a choice of weapons to duel

but I think hes lying

dante gives him a chance to fight and bad guy chooses blades

he gives baddy clues and baddy eventually gets who he is

they swordfight to epic music and dante easily disarms him

but lets him go home here reporters swarm

once there he blows his brains out offscreen

later detective reveals a baddy gave him cash to give baddy dantes telegraph messages

dante has him give baddy messages made by dante

then the baddy buys a lot of stock in something dantes messages aid was good

they f out

bad guy sees dante but he reveals the messages were in code where buy meant sell

and the guys he messaged were owned by dante

and dante is da count

bad guy snaps and is a vegetable

later gf's kid confronts dante over his dad blowing his brains out

and having the chick his dad sold into slavery and iced da dad of in his company

but... his dad f'd her up

its like if the qweens went mental at daiana's bf's dad for outing them wacking his son and her

he ruined a lot of people and when his past bites him in da a55, they get mad at the one he wrecked for outing it??

this kid is f'd

so kid challenges dante to a duel

hes got this notion his dad was honorable

btw in the 2002 ver; the kid was actually the counts illegitimate kid created b4 he was locked up by b0ning his gf b4 marriage

that's not how the book went

b4 the duel, he makes a will and gives provisions for his minions and homies

then da gf comes in and tells him not to ice her kid

she thinks hes bad for being vengeful

he sez hes taking down crooks who ruin others

she sez she raised him to be like dante and kid likes the count

he sez kid wants to do this to avoid being sees as a wiener

she don't want kids gf to go through what she had when date went to jail

then they duel with pretty good camera work zooming back as they pace

but both miss

gf told kid who count is

then dante is arrested and charged with being a traitor and all the cr-p he did in jail

but he don't say anything in defence

gf tells sons gf about the count and writes dante a note sayin if he goes to jail he'd feel like its her fault

btw theres a crucifix in the court

nowadays some malcontents would go on gee haad against it

he speaks up and calls da 3rd baddy, the prosecution, as a witness

he reveals baddys dad was with napoleon and dante was sacrificed to protect him

and the witness was the other baddy who swindled a lot of people for profit

and this baddy prosecution is the brains behind it

and dante has built a book on baddys schemes and actions

oh and they wheel around the accused in a cart with wheels in the court

later its implied the baddy is convicted and dante and gf are in the tree from b4

kid and kid gf wanna come up the make out tree but he tells em; find ur own tree

the end

that was quite good

it has class and style

not much action but not boring

no swearing or lust or gore or purvoes

this movie has good pacing

good acting

and god camera work

for the mid 30s this was pretty good

its well made and doesnt feel like nearly 2 hours

for the count of monte cristo 2 I want the vegetable bad guy to be taken over by a daemon and try to bring down the count. but the count is trained in holy skills. so vegetable guy goes to da king and fuses with him. using his king rule, he declares open season on the count and makes it the law that the frenchies gotta be turned daemon. count gets napoleon out and as him lead the good frenchies in battle against the daemon ones with holy skills and items he had saved on the island of monte cristo. its also a strategy game like advance wars on sega genesis, gba, snes and sega cd and has you play as either the king or napoleon and fight  in battles to save or ruin france. also its got anime style cut scenes of the characters like in phantasy star 4 and a synth 80s soundtrack.