Sunday, July 25, 2021

The Sea Hawk Review

 Note: I spell goods like in da book

the sea hawk

this is my review onb the sea hawk from 1924

its directed by frank lloyd who did son of the gods and blood on the sun

it stars a buncha 1800s homies i never heard of

its based on a book by Rafael Sabatini who did scaramouche and captAIN BLLOOD

i never saw this but it was remaDE IN the 40s with errol flynn and a differentr ploty thaN THE BOOK

i never saw dat either

so after title asnd credits we get texrt saying its set in the days of soviret england under the black regent elizabeth

at this home this guy olivert was knighted by the evil queen and fought the herpicspaniards in the war

he also has a half brother nameds lionel (Not lion L or Lion O)

oli is gonna marry this chick and lion dont like it

chicks bro peeder is a livley shonen hero like koji kabuto from mazinger z

he dont want oli to marry his sister as he thinksd oli is a pirate

oli nearly beats his a55 in but  sez peeders guardiamn is  jealous of him

theyt grapple and oli sez he wont fight a boy aand stops

peeder runs off on his horses a55 and oli sez hes gonna teach peeders guardian a lesson and goes there

peeder gets there 1sat and b--ches about oli and chhick is tthere and defends oli as shewws gay for him

she goes off and oli shows up and confronts guardian about  calling him a pirate

giardian sez he has queens letters proving hes one and  they sword fight like japanese transformers

oli wastes giuardian and but i guess he's npt fully deasd as  he sez next time he'd not be so mercifil

the fam takes guardian awayu and chick hates him now for being violent

oli sez he spared him as she likes hi and they patch things up

she makes him swear not to swordfight anymore (which is f--kin stoopid as what isf a homie pulls a shank on him? does he just stand there and get inced?) and they smooch

later theres this lady with a geezer huisband and oli and chick worrys if they can stay happy

they smooxch by the sea and later a guy is being b--chyand  nearly pulls a blade, but the other guy backs off

i'm having trouble telling these guys apart

tey all dress in queer shakespere outfits and have bad face hair

later 1 guy callsa abnothewr guy out, oh its  peeder wanting to fighr i think oli, and he whips on him and horse a55 rides off

oli rides after him having enuff of his sh-t but remembers his primice not to swordfight

you can fist fight

beat the black off himn

kick his candy a55

so later they meet up and swordfight but both take stabs and peeder gets it

wait i dont think tharts oli

oh its lion and later olu wonders where his probably illegitimate half bro is

later oli iu mean liono com,es back and has been shanked aND TELLS OLI

OLI TREATS HIS DEVOLVED bro and sez as it was a fair fight, there were no witnesses and the law will call it murder

later the body is found and everyone thinks oli icxed his b---ch a55

gf believes it and hates him again and weants him struing up

also thetre was a trail of blood from the body to olis home

and she sez she'd testify agaimnst him if therews a trial

but poli is friends with a legal guy who refused to issue an warrent against him as he agrees the peeder had it comming

oli showes legal guy hios body and theres no fresh wound

lion comes in and legaL GUY IS WRITING A THING TO PROVE HIS INNOCENCE

buyt lion l worrys if oli is not guilt, they might find it was him

at a bar wirth sailors is a captain who is immoral amd livley

he truys feeling a xchick and she slaps him so he chases her

sher gets awasy b4 he b0nes her

liolnes chats with captain and wants him to do a mission and  captaimn agrees for 100 lbs for himself and abother 100 lbs for his crew

lio kaizer givres him his ring and its even and  books it

look aT THERSE GUYS PANTALOONS. its like the 3 musketweers

later liobek sez to opli that chick wants to see him at this place and he goes

lionel seems a bit hesitent

he know what hes doping is bad

so oli goes there and the pirates capture him, beat him out and sail off with him by The Super Hetero Portugal

captain cuts oli loose if he dont fight and tells him hes gonna sell him as a slaver to the moors

but captain will bring him back to england if he pays him more than he was paid

captain sez who paid him and oli attacks him but sees the ring he gave liozack and seez hes been starscreamed

he vows to pay him 2x what his evil brom pAID HIM but the superior spaniards attack

the ship is captured and they are enslaved by spaniards

they gotta man the oars like its Ben Hur

so in soviet england, people thinkoli booking it is a sign of guilt and lionel sez he thinks oli is innocent

as does chick

then its 6 months laTEr and oli is a gally slave, becoming stronger and more bada55

kinda like going to jail and hitting te weights

a high rank moor slave is with him and this portuguese looking chick from spain is there who dont like the slave stink

as they drink water, they drip on the flooer to rot the wood holding their chains

1 slave is whipped dead and oli us whipped for looking at the whip cracker weired

btwm, when this came out, there were americans who liuved in slavery still alive

ben her gx is better at spaniards saying theyt are Christian but doing evil and renounces his Faith over a few people using it bad

i know what you mean

i knew a guy in high school who played mAGIC the gathering, who was a loser, so i dot play it to not be like him

at night he thinks of his gf and probably j-rked off in the real version

later in the medeiteriaNAM, they find a moorish galley

this moor was fighting the algiers and iced spaniards

a battle happends and the moor slaver recognizes the boat being of his uncle

in the fight oli and moore pull outr the chain from the rotted wood and go around fighting the spaniards

thery go around the outside of ther boat likle spider mam and atack ther spaniards from behind

moor reunites with his uncle and sez oli is his alluy and hates Christians

spoilewr; ther ottomans were far worse slave owners thjan the Euiropeans

then a sniper j fk's moor and oli crossbows him out

thenb intermission

then 3 years later ther oli is known as the hawk of the sea and gop around klilling Spaniards for the moors

you knowe, ther ottomans used to raid slavic areas and take kids asd slaves, raised them as ottomans, then sent them back toi kill their families as ottoman troops

kinda like in shadow of the beast how this kid is devolved into as monster and sees his dad being iced and it snaps him back to break free of his enslavement

so oli is going around killing Christians cuz a few were bad to him, which is pretty evil, and comes across the ship that took him as a SLAVE

he atacks it and wins and checks the prisoners on it and 1 is from soviet england

he decides the fates of these guys and 1 is the captain who took him from england

you know, in 1812, england captuired American ships and enslaved the crew for serrvitude to the brittish regent

thats why the war happened

so captain and oli recognize eac other and he sez hes not at war with england or its slaves so he has the brit and casptain sent to shore

btew, i assume he converted to their group so that means he was circimsized

imagine a guy pulling his thing skin and him tied to the wall and a big guiy with a huge scmitar waises irt and slices it off!

so captain thinks oli gonna wack him and oli sernds him to england with a merrssage to prove his trust

later irts rainy and cr-ppy is gaye olde englande and captain comes with a message from oliver

the butler/slave reads it, gets captain a book and food

laTER OLIVER IS declaired, AN OUT LAW!!! and the regent gioves his cr-p to his evil bro

then a messengher comes in and then does captain

lionel is sh-tting himself from seein  him AGAIN despite them meeting once in a dark bar ywears ago

captain sez hes's got a medsage from oliver twist and chick burns it

captain says "twqas ye" aBOUT LIONEL BUT IS DRAGED OFF AND saez to get legal guy

but hes bit it years agho and captain is run outt

then in algiers the uncles fave wife and son is there and jealous of oli's skill and poweer

wife trys to turn uncle against oli but unlce dopnt care

later in a mediteranian cove,sea hak waits for captrain

captain returns and tells what happened and that lionel is gonna marry chick nexzt month

as guardiaN agreed to it with him in contol

chick is regreting burning olis message and then they are at the church with ther priest

but then all these moors come in an take over

nowadfays thisd is seen as aWFUL AS IN some countries, they bust into churches, say, convert or dier, aND EXECUTE THOXE WHO DON'T RONOUNCE THEIR God

whgaT NEXT? a joke about hollywood elite b0ning vulnerable actresses?

so oli comes in and says hes the sea hawk, the scourgew of Christonddom

oli has his bro taken away andgoes to chick but she donbt consent

so he carrys hger off after she blacks out from shock

meanwhile, wife's spies found about olis trip to soviet england and he returns with slaves he;'s stolen from their homes

so hes the bad guy right?

is this like the privaTe life of henryu VIII where the main guy is evil?\

so according to their culture, they sell slaves at public auction, which they dont seem to show as bad here, probably cuz its not Christians doing it so they excuse it

the wifes spy, a guy with no parts, as they were removed, is there and uncle is amazed that 1 woman enslsaved isd milky white

crotchless rteports to wife and son and uncle is toild he can buy the Milkjky chick for 1 000 phillips

but how many terrences??

wife sez to no parts to bbuy milky for 1500 and get rid of her

so then its slave sale time and the peoople buy slaves

lionedl gets bought by captain andis probably gonna bew butt hammered

a girl is sold to a creepy guy for 00 phillips but she pulls his dagger and sepp[uku's to aboid being his secks slave

then chick i think is pout up for auction and is bought for 1200 by no parts

then the sea hawk oli comes in and offers 2000 and has her taken to his house

btw, when this film was made, women weren't considered persons in soviet canada

so later oli sez she is his property and mocks his bro

he grapples bro doewn abnd sez his slavery made him strong at the cost of his soul

then sez he gave chick humiliation to shjow the trtuth; her bropeeder was iced by lionel

lionel sez oli shanked him in a sneak attack, wait; oli sez lionbel sneaked him

lionel sez he iced peeder in a fair fight and realizes he slipped up

chick asks whgy oli skipped town and he sez captaIN WAS PAID BY lionel to sell hiom tyo slavery

captain tells her to back it up and oli has lionel sent to be a gasley slave

cuz 2 wrongs make a right

then oli sez hes gonna sernd her back to england

you couldn't have told her this on the hundreds of miles between england and hewwre?

you had to kidnaP HER to the a55 end of da earth to do this?

what is this? dbz the dead zone howe Garlic jr's men needed the dragonball sand took gohan and his hat with it??

so uncle comes in and sez he wants chick but oli dont consent

uncle sez he'd use force andf oli sez he'd dfo anything else but this

oli gives her a blade in case his plan dont work and when uncle comes back with a buncha guys like shin in hokurto no ken to take yuria, oli sez he takes chick to be his wife

this makes uncle jack i mean back off and next day oli isa sent to fight the holy spaniards

and his half brother is on his boat as a slave

uncle takes command of the ship and as a big plan t thing brought on board

later oli checks the planty thing ands captain and him are up to something

son has a challenge with oli to see who's better with a crossbow and they aim at a rope on the plant thing

but instead fire at a thing on a ther mast or w/e

son wants to shoot the plant thing but oli aims his crossbow at him to stop him

then has the plant thing cut out to revealchick was in there

he sez he worried of her safety in that cesspoole and brought her along

uncle dont like it but his gopd sez he cant stop it

meanwhile son AND UNCLE p;lot to end the sea hawk

later oli sez if anything goews wrong, use the dagger and wished he died a slaver than bring her to this sh-t hole

she donty want him to leave her alone andf then they copme across an englisdh ship

chick sez its her guardians ship and uncle dont wanna fight them as they too strong so they're gonna wait em out

oli sez to lionel to pretend he's ABusing him to save chick and sez guardians boat is near and to swim to it

he has bro attack him ands he hammewrs his skull in and sez toi fake being Ko ed

then sez to his minions to throw him overboard

but they see him swimming and have oli j fk him

he misses and liobnbel swims under water to avoid being caught

chick dont liker this but he tells her its A TRICK to save her

but she sez by saving her he'd get it

later the lion l goes to the guardian ship and guardian sez he's gonna rescue chick and end the sea hawk b4 returening tyo soviet england

then sees lionel and liomnel givesx him the gist of it

the brity ship faces the moors but stops firing aS CHICK IS ON BOARD

BUT wityh no wind and moor oars, they can escape

oli tells em to hold their oars and holds a lantern over the powder saying if they don't, he'd blow them back to h-ll!

then sauys to have faith and he'd protect em

the briot boat comes by and they stop firing and oli sez if they try anything, he'd blow em both to h-ll (he sdez that tyoo)

guardian sez he swore to take back the renegade john brown i meAN OLIVER AND oli sez if they promise  to let his crew free, he;d surren\der

they do and captain sneaksd aWAY

oli sez bye to his homies and is takenb back to soviet enggland

later he's gonna e executed and captain is on the boat as a stow away

as guardian said he'd let his homies free, captain is released

so oli is gonna be executed for his crimes but lionel and cxhick comer out saying hgges innocent of icing poeeder

but he abducted chick and thats a capital offence

she sez she consented to go and be his wife

they let him free and i guess that wasnt his bro as now he meets bro in bed and they forgive each other

totally niot like ben hur with that scene after the chariot race

oh and he swam in cold water so it killed him somehow

even though soviets swim under the artic ice

i guess the brits are just less evolved

so back in the devient land of new sofom: england, the estates of guardian and oli combinme and i guess thet chick aND oli got married

captain isd with emn saying to this kid how he was an epic bada55 hero on the seas who sacved kids dads liffe and they became friends

then the chick and oli come in and captain says how oli saved his life

then the fam sit in a chair together

the end

that was pretty good

nice acting and effects

good story

good twists

nice work on the sea scenes

they built larger boats for this instead of miniatures and it holds up

nowadays they'd change a lot as it might be triggering to some, plus the mnain guy is alsio kinda the main villian with him going around killing Christians

but if I caN LIKE bIRTH OF A nATION, i CAN LIKE THIS

for the sea haWK 2 I WANT THE UNCLE TO realize the oliver has betrayed him and he declares war on england to get him back to remove his limbs and let pigs butt hammer him as punishment, but the oliver and his now teen son are in the navy and battle against em in naval combat. Also its a 16 bit Srpg like Shining Force but on water and you command ships instead of people. its on sega genesis, snes, tg16, gba and atarui jaguar.

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

Red River Review

 Note better bad spelled thabn red

Red River

This is my review on Red River from 1948

Its goit the mondo cool John Wayne, Montgomery Clift, Walter Brennan, Coleen Gray the wife of Rod Amateau (The garbage pail kids director), Harry Carey from Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, John Ireland from Spartacus, Noah Beery GX,  Harry Carey  GX from Billy the Kid Versus Dracula, Chief Yowlachie from The Scarletr Letter, Paul Fix from  Scar Face 1 and Hitler – Dead or Alive, Hank Worden from Angel and The Badman, Shelley Winters from Cleopatra Jones, Dan White from Beyond Tomorrow and Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter, Tomn Tyler from the 20s Ben Hur, and a bunxcha other 1800s homies

I never saw this but its directted by howard hawks who did scarface, sergeant york, the ooutlaw and gentlkemen prefer blondes so i assumer its gonna be good

its in b/w and proper full screen

so after scrolling credits with Dimitri Tiomkin music, we get text saying the chisolm trail is being done in Texas

its 1851 and jowhn wayne breasks off from this group  to start his own thing and walter brennon dont want him to gp

john waynes woman wants to go with him and they smooch but jogn wayne says its no place for a wo man and sez he's gonna send for her and gives her his moms brascelet

john wayne and his homie go off in a wagon with cows  and thery find the red river with Unsoviet Texas on the other side

they see smoke from indian attacks on wagons

later its nightand the indians attack and jogn waybe takes em out

on 1 he sees the wristyband he gave his woman, implying thwey iced amnd probably b0ned her

later its day and they go off but find a kid who survived the inbdian attack and is kinda mental

john wayne s;aps him but teen pulls a gun and jown takex it and backhands him

teen got away chasing a cow in da brush and wayne and waler bring him

this is turning into hokuto no ken

bada55 ken/john with a youth with ptsd and a sidekick after his woman bites it

they come to some area and waybne wants to grow his beef and have a red river brand with 2 lines

he brands em and teen wants his name on it but jogn sez he willl when he earns it

some mexicoes come over and sez it belongs to don d a go but wayne sez hes taking this land like how don took it from its past owners

1 mexico tries to stop him but waynbe wacks him b4 he can fiore on him

wayne reads his Bib;le over the mexico and makes a Cross for him

jogn wayne vows to grow his farm and now its 14 years later and kid digivolved to, mobnty clift

waybne has the cows he needs and is gonna sell em but walter isnt able to go as his legs f'd

monty sez draw and just edges out waynbe in a test and monty aparently is back from a training arc like in bleach

walter fills in monty on the offscreen cr-p that happened and after the wart, the South was f'd and wayne dont know what to do now

later they aRE BRANDING COWS AND plan to go to Soviet misuorui but hear a guy went there abnd got jumped!

his men wacked and cows jacked

then cherry valkkence comes by saying some of his cows got mixzed in with john waynes

wayne dont got time to sort em out so he offers him a cut if they get to market

cherry accepts and asks to see montys gun

tyhey swap guns and try out eachothers guns and cherry recognizes him as a skillerd gunman

walter sez to wayne that cherry and monty are gonnas go at it

later a geezewr is playing cards with an indian who bets a silver doller, which is 3 days pay

he bets his fake teetrhg and loses

imagine if the winner put the teeth on his parts so its like the guy is suckin his parts?

geezer; gum summ it! Now Imma been turned queer!

waynbe comes to da bar asaking for help in the big cattle drive and most go

i just realized that geezer was probably around in the fevolutionary war (as he's like 80 and its the 1860s)

so later its gray and oominous and has music that matchs

so they leave and theres epic music

at night the indian take back geezers teeth until he needs em to eat again

at the fire cherry suggets suggests going elsewhere to sell em as he's got connections but wayne sez they going to misouri

so they go onward and its like lord of the rings the movies as they are always going from A to B

a few horses are getting burned out

later monty wants tyo stop for water but john wayne sez they can get water in a few miles

At nght they guys talk about how 1 guy taLKs about gettinmg his wife red shoes

well, thats the end of him!

1 guy sez how easy it is to styampede and a guy drops pots and they stampede

after calming em they find dead cows and whats left of the guy who wanted those shoes

They go back and say what happened kinda and that his wife will get full pay for da hole drive

in the daty, John reads from The Bible and wayne calls out the guy who dropped the pans

waynes gopnna give him the whip but pot dropper pulls a gun and monty wastes him with a hewead shot like in Contra

wtf he just winged him and didnt finish him

cherry sez monty is too sofdt and that'll end him

later they go on in da rain, which is like A SPRINKLER and brennonb walter, whos the teeth guy, makes em beef and coffee, which will back up heir butt pipes, as theyt are low on rations

man, we're half way in, feels like niot much happened, but allso like its taking a ewhile

later 1 guy comes by who was nearly lynched and jown wauyne gives him coffee

despiutye beingf half dead, he hold the cxoffee healthily

he sez he was on a cattle thing and they got jumped and chisolm had a trail

wen they striung him up the rope brke and he got away

but theres a path by abileen where cherry sed b4

a few guysstand up to jown and are gonna cap him

jowhn says they agreed to hewlp him when they signed it and walter throws him a shotgun and he and monty waste the dissenters

later monty sez john was wroing to ice em and walter treats johns capped legh with a new hole through it

da next dae 2 guys ditched and took some supplies

john weayne sends some guys after em and the drive advances

later they come to a river and even though it'll take mnost of the day, john has em cross

it'll wear em out but jogn sez tired men dont run

also i think cherry went after the guys

later its night and rthey lost over 40 cows in the crossing

john aynes leg is getting f;d and he's not getting enough sleep as he worries about losing men

no sleep for days? that f's your mind and lowewrs ur stats

i tried staying ypo all night to play sega the next day, but the laxk of sleep f'd my coordination

like sailor m,oon says: like a car w/oi gas ur dody needs food for fuel

this counts for sleep

so later cherry comes back with the 2 survvors

john sez they're desertyers and thieves and they say he's nuts and he;'s not the man they signed on with

johnnys gonna strong em up and monty stands up to him

joihn pulls his gun but monty shoots it outta his hand

and he's too f'd drom drinking aND NO SLEEP TO USE HIS OTNER ONE

the deserters are gonna cap john but monty stands up to him

monty staRSCREAMSA HIS WAY INTO BEING THE NEW HEADMASTER AND is going to aBILENE AND LEAVING JOHN THERE

WALTER SEZ HE'S STUCK WITH HIM ALLL THESE YEARSA AND WANTS TO STAY BUT IS TOLD TO GO

f u caps lock

stop f--king my tytpes

as they go later, john vows to ice monty later whenb he catches him

at night monty wonders if there  is a railway in abilene and the next day finmd something abouit arrows

i dont know i was readsing about the book A Strange Discovery, which waS a sequel to the poe story The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket

at night monty sez st start an hour sooner the next day and he's getting more dark and gritty

later some guys from a wagon train come by and i think they connected to cherry as he';s not there and is impplied too be b0ning his gf

later they are in a field wasteland like its dbz or hokuto no ken and they go off to a commotion

they see indians attacking a group ands monty organizes a rescue thing

then rides in and open fire

its sorta like Robotech with the veritechs diving in to battle the enemy

also there's a chick there who's cr-ppy at guns so monty has her reload

Ready! Set! B Da Fire!

she gets it in the area betweet shouldfder and neck and is probably gonna be his butt buddy

after threy drive out the indians, montana max cuts aWAY HER DRESS AND SUCKS OUT THE POISON FROM THE WOULD

I THINK SHE KNOWS cherryu and she slaps him

at night threy party with what i think are h00kers and monty burns sez cherrys with the cows

she sez cherry looked at her and left and waitm, i think its cherry shes talking to abnout monty

walter, whos called groot like the marvel super hero, comes in and tells her of him

in da fog montGOMERy pyle meets buster like from tiny toons, arthur and transformers super god masterforce

so chick is gay for monty and walter groot sezmontys gonna book it in a few houesa

on guard duty monty python is met by chick and sez groot told her of johgn wayne

she sez shes scared too and talks to herself but now they can talk to eachother

monty tellls chick abnout how john worked hard to make his cows but after the war f'd things, he got obcessed and tried to get r dun even if no one thought he could

its raining i think and they make out

in the real version they were b0ning

the c o w boys worry the rain will overfill the river and they gotta drive the cows aCROSS IT TONIGHT

so later john wayne comes by the place with the chjicvk asnd she knows him and they say monty came by8 days ago

also she has his moms arm thing

she talks with him about john wanting to kill him and she sez she wanted to go but monty duidn't think she was strong enough to go

john says how monty betrrayed him and he wanted to give his property to inherit

wayne sees how siumilar this is to his story

john offers her half of what he has if shje has his son

she figures he had a girl who left and asks about her and sez she wants to go with john

he sez no but then consents

later monty wonders if they are gonna wind up in soviet canada and fight icebergs but then they finmd the rauilroads

the trainman sez they;'ve been needing cattle and theres 2 patrhes to alinene; a cut through the woods and the tracks

they take the cut and make it to abilene

monty meets an illinois guy who wants his hot beef

they started with OVER 9000!!! and lost a few hundred

they agree to top price and monty has the check signed to john wayne

so montty goes to his totel room and finds chick whosez john weayner s gonna attack at sun up

so later its sun up and john waynbe rides in to town to kick his candy a55

so eventually wayubne walks through town and cherry troes to stop him

they fire on each other and john wastes him but takes a hit

john wants him to draw but monty dont so wayne fires around him

then stasrts beating on him but monty fights back and thery go World Heroes

chick fires and sez they shouldnt fight as thety love each other and gotta stop being c-ckj suckers

she runs off and john says they'll add an M to the brand as now monty earned it and manned up

the end

thgat was pretty good

kinda like in akira how tetsuo starts out as the main characvter but becomes the antasgoniost

great b/w and its john wayne acting deep aND varied

good story of the characters digivolving and turning from what they were

its good good music and the story is long but deep

sorta like an epic

its manly and cool and has heart and style

sorta like robotech

for Red River 2 i want d a go to bite it and his son c a go to want to get john wayne off his land and sends mercenaries after him to purge it. but john wayne and milton bradley (i forgot montgomery clifts name for a sec) team up and shoot their way through the area and head for c a go's base. its also a 2 player run n gun gam,,e like sunset riders on sega genesis, snes, tg16, gba anbd atari jaguar.

Sunday, July 18, 2021

The Mortal Instruments City of Bones Review

 Note: I spell better than this movie is at movie-ing

Thje Mortal Insttruments City of bones

this is my review on The Normtl; instrinmrnts cxity of bones from the distanrt futruyre yewear of 2013 (When stuff in Robotecvvh haspopewned)

its directal by Harald Zwart who did cr-p like agent cody banks and the karATE KID WITH WILL SMITH JR

it stars Lily Collins from The Blibnd Side, Jamie Campbell Bower from Harry potter and twuilight, Kevin Zegers from Dawn of the Dead and Air bud, Lena Headey from the cr-ppy 90s jungle book movie, Aidan Turner from the hobbit, c c h pounder, Jared Harris from mr deeds and axe cop, Jonathan Rhys Meyers from alerxander, Kevin Durand from austin powers, Robert Maillet from pacific rim and 300, stephen r hart from are you afrAID of the daRK and bakugan, Chad Connell from degrassi and Harry Van Gorkum from batman and robion

i saw this b4 and have wanted to reviedw it for a while

its based on one of those teen tevels like i am number 4, haRRY potter, twilight, percy jackson, ect and opeople say it s-cked!!

they were gonna make sequels but no one liked this so that went

wtf they made a tv seeries of this?!

Shadowhunters: The Mortal Instruments lasted 55 eps!!

so there's a bunch of books to thgiws aND I NEVER READ EM

so after a few logos we get a titler and this is pretty f-kkin widescreen!

on a widescreen tv we still get black bars!

so this chick is draweing this klan symbol on things and it appears all over in mirrors and sh-=t and her rents notice her subconsiously doodling it

she wants to go to this clubn for a poetry reading and bytw, this is a long a55 movie

over 2 hours w/o adds

so she goes to this emo poetry reading and its pretty cr-ppy

also she drinks coffee with this guy and pnotices the symbol again in her codffee

then its night and she sees the symbvol on a sign and asks a guy about it but only she cxan see it

she goes to as rave and its full of 90s streets of rtage/mad max freaks

they look goth and emo and like hermaphrotides

in da club she sees this guy get iced by somer dudes and screams(which it totally a good idea as now they know ur there and saw em)

she leaves and goes home as her guy ftriend sez they pump drugs in the air at clubs

oh aNS THIS IS in sopviet new york so murders and drugs asre common there

just watch law and order

da next day she sees notes of the symbol all oiver her room

mom wants to spend time with her but she dont and wonders about who buys her koms art

she goes and mom finds the pix in her room

chick is with her guy homei and sees the blonde who shanked the guy at da club outside

at home mom is attacked by mnad max duedes with a dog

blonde sez shes from the human world and most people can't see him

mom fights th dudesd and calls chick but shes not answering so she calls guy friend

she finally pix up da fone and mom sez not to comer home and to go to this guy and hangs upo

then drinks something and bites it

dad goes intoa  padded room and chick runs through townbto go home despite her mom saying not to, and finds it trashed

a big black dfog comes agter her anmd transforms into some abominationm like that guy in batman beyond or the thing

she uses spray cans and lighter fluid and blowes it on the stove while hiding in as closet or something

it regenerates but blonde guy wastes it with his He Man Sword

he sez its a daemon which totally wasn'ty done in Devilman in the 70s

also he sez they can posess anyone and you can't trust anyone

again totally not like devilman from the 70s

Btw, mutant dogs? totally not like resident evil!!

chick sees her neighbor cch poinder who can see blondie cuz hshes a witch

quarter pounder has chick choose a tarot card that chicks mom painted and gets the ace of cups

blonde sez its the mortal cup thats hi kinds super artifact

also her mom was a shadow huntrer, totally not rick hunter and the shadow chronicles in robotech

she learns her memories were blocked to protect her by her mom and she saYS: I don't remember anything she'd want me to forget. 

if you don't remember it how do u know she'd want u to forget it! freekin dumba55 teen cr-p writing!!

she hears something and beats a guy but its her ned friend and she tells him her moms missing and theres a guy he cant see

but blonde shows up and can be seen and nerd quiotes ghost busters

chick b--ches at nerd over not picking up the moms phone call and he sez if it was importent he'd haver picked up

chick; how do u know its not important if u dont pick up?!

so then its raining and they go to this place and nerd stands outside and blionde and chick go in

hidden behind a book thing that blonde can make clear, they see who i thought was her dad being tortured for the cip, which i just realised is like the holy grail in king arthur and indiana jones

nopt dad sez he faked being good to find the ciup[ and they dont buy it

blonde fights em and chick escapes

nerdlinger sees cops and bugs em for help but its really daemons and blonde wastes em

she whines that not dad was good to her but blonde sez the memories were fake

also he vows to protect her like jutpier aSCENDING, WHICH, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE THE MATRIX GFUYS DID, RIPPED off something bettert han it

so they go to this invisible castle in soviuet new yorklike its f-kkin harry potter and she blacks out so he uses his magic sword to heal her

later she wakes up with runes on her skin and blonde sez humans cant survive it so shes a shadow hunbter

so theres not many shadow huntere left and the only way to make more is to be born of one or drink from the cup

totally not like the stione cutters where u gotta be the son of a memnber or save the life of one

she goes to this big room like in beautyn and the beast (good version) aND he sez to the boss that they;'ll be out in a day

the head of the groupsez her mom was 1 of the best and all ghjost storeius are tgrue

so are they gonna fight sasquatch?

nerd is told that vampires and sh-t are real but zomvies aint

also blonde saw his dad iced as a child

totallyt not like bruce wayne

head guy sez the Anbgel Raziel used his blood in a cup and any who driunk it become half angel

1st; theres all this stiff in trhe bible against drinking bklood

2nd; angels dont do that

3rd; if angels are real,m don't tyhat mean God is real and they can just pray away the daewmons?

man this has a crazy story! its got angels, half angels, demons, artifacts, the main chick comes into this crazy new life after discovering her secret power. hidden cities kept from humans. its like if wedding peach had a kid with harry potter!

also her mom being super high rank and being sent away and she comes into her powers is also like weddimng peach

so blonde and chcik go to this crypt and find the city of bones

he is, the dark knight

who am i, i';m spider man

the trrasure is called, one piece!!

so these druid guys and all ove ran dput her in this room with an eye oon it, totally not like the millennium thing in yugioh

thern a shwon in the ceiling zaps her, totally not like in zelda, and she has a flash back

she sees her mom and her and not dad in childhood and her mom giving the cup of ace to cch pounder

after she spazzes out she draws sh-t on the floor in the dust and blonde draws lines onm the dots and makes it spell BANE as in ultras magnus bane the mage

how do you know what lines toi add from random dots on the floor?!

thats some da vinci code autism!!

so they go to some place that looks like lord of the rings and its some marulin manson club with emo msuic and they meet magnus who's into the nerd

btw, kids who are half angel are evil and the reason we had noahs flood

so magnus sez he has to refresh then memoryu thing and when she stareted drarwing the rune,m its proof to get it refreshed

nerd drinks a thing and its posioned and some big guys take himn to b0ne

also the guy said to be her real dad who did it was just a soldier who bit it and the real guys wife who ddin;'t want it and mom used it

totally not ike [phobee in friends mom using a photo of the ghuy a frame came with as her dad

so magnus sez her mom was runnign from shadow hunters and chick and blodcne go to a church to get arms and blonde sez he never saw an angel while fighting daemons and dont believe

i never saw a whale in real life as i was never in the ocean, are trhey real??

so guy i thought was blondces boss but really is his cowoirker and the heroes go to some place and i think its a rotting building and see blood on da floor

man we're an hour in

that felt like nothing

so they find her hanging on cjhainsin a shaft, total;ly not like that guy in thre texas chainsaw massacre and save him

looks like some kinda freakyt go nagai/yugioh SM thing

the vam,piurtes attack as they escape, totally not like twlight or buffy and they fight em with magic items

toitally not like nami sos/sexy sailor soldiers with the hunters fighting secks daemons

chick shoots a vam,pire trying to give her aids with a magic gunb, again, not like nami sos and that platinum haired leather babe naoko arai

they get to da roof and a big a55 wold is ther ewand helps em but she sticks with a b lade

also i guess they've been out all night as now the suns up and the vamps back off

laater at the base, blonde plays pianio and sez playing the right notescan expose daemons

totally not like gohans whistling f--kin up piccolo and lord slug in dbz

also therers a portal that leads to whereever you wana go

but you need super training to use it or it cxould have u lost

totally not like night crawler in x men

or the dead zone in dnz

he uses it to feel her hair by moving his hand across the room

totaly not like janemba in dbz

he takez her to da garden in a tower like a bad jrpg and he sez he got a pet for his birthday and told him to make it obdeint

he cared for it and it loved him, which wasnt the mission, sodad iced it

actuallly dragion ball suyper kinda ripped that off with broly and his pet, but supoer is a55 so it fiits

they make out in the garden to 20000s  music and it rains like in spider man 1

then nerd finds out and theres a tiff over who she wants and they get b--chy over teen drama sh-t

whop do you want? the cool brooding loner? or the nerd?

nerd sez he loves her like its star ship troopers with carmen dizzy and rico and that blonde is using her to get da cup

nerd goes hoime and  blonde laser tattos hmself as they cant show hnhim cutting himself whhile cryong tears of blood and pooping spurm

larter she notices a  drawinbg of a cup and pulls it  out of the book like f--kin mary poppins!

head guy sez only her mom can do dat and she ttells bnlonde she knows where mom hid da cup

so she goes back to the cch pounterss p;ace and asks for the tarot cwrds and she sez noit to bring weapons as its a peacefil house

some metal dust moves around and the 2 others who aunt the main guys go after it

cch gives her the cards and blonde plays piano and it f--ks her up

chiuck pulls out the cup from the card and cch devolves intio a deadite and fights em

she grows a tentacle and gets da cup and coworker grans bet but isd shanked by the tentacle

cch gets away but meets nerd outs9ide who sees chick inside and fioghts cch with a shovel

tthe hunters waste her wirth their items and she gets backl da cup

she hugs nerdo and the shanked guy isnt doing well

later chick bringds the cup tro head guy and he sez hes cursed topo not go outsiode  and opens the gate to breing the bad guy over and give him da cup

he tests the cup by putting his blood in it and wants her to drink his blood

she dont wanna and he wants to save his race and  says shes his kid and he had mom his blood while she wasd pregnant with her

chick puts the cup basck in da card and runs through the gate, totally niot like a stargate

in this silent hill looking placer this blonde kid comes up but a werewulf gwets her and puts on clothes

iits not dad who takes her to a place and sez thew gate brought her there as she wanted it

head guy wants to be cured as he gave bad guy the cup and bad guy puts spears in the ground in a pentagram sahape like exodia

bad guy sez head guys is all in his head and bad guy has guys asfter him

also hes gonna tewll people they are his kids and to break them so they'd follow him

so theres this pillar of light and ultra magnus comes back to help the surviving hunters

so not dad sez bad guy is her dads and her mom left him with the cup and burned the place and left 2 bodies so tthey;'d niot know he and his son lived

bad guy sez blonde is his son but he's not buying it

blonde a ring hat sez w. but the bad guy proves it turns his W ring over to say M.

that's pretty bad right there. 

his whole life is in doubt because m is w unside down

who not turn it sidewars and say its c3po froim star wars?

btw, totally not like star wars with the kids  wqgho kissed being from the saME BAD GUY DAD

SO THE NERD AND OTHER HUNTER FIND mom floadting above a bed like the exorcist or hiow hyogas  mom isas unbder da sea in saint seiya

they call chick and not dad and hius werewolf homies come over to help

totally not like twilight noir underworld

so count magnus leee from vampure hunter D heals the tentacklled hunter and all these birds come in and hunter chick fights em

not dad and the rest come by and start getting picked off by daemons

they're trapped in a room and in slo mo, chick carves sa rune in her hand annd does a final shine attack luike in dbgt to stop the daemons

its an unknown rune and vanishes soon after

totally not like jason borne being super skilled and  not knowing how

soo the daemons thaw out and they fight em and bad guy ttalks to his woman in a coma

chick gets  him at knifepoint but blonde saves him and reveals they are brother and suister (Which according to wikipeda, is canon) and bad guy sez sghe's in love with him

she spaazzes out at this and female hunter uses a flame thrower on daemon bireds

bad guy manhandleschick and backhands blonde andf nwerd tries to turnn off a lrever but a part is not there

blonde and dad sword fight, totally not like star wars

oh blonde piulled out a spear from da pentragram and it stopped the sommiming

bad guy puts it back and ther gate opensd but the cup card is gone

so chick hunter is flame throwering daemons, which i aassume is holy fire,  and bad guys minions go looking

1 finds not dad and he wastes the goonby eating hisd neck

blonde swprd fights dad more annd hunter chick gets htso nerd flaame throwwers

some hooded dude takes out thre other goon and saves hunter chick and nerd and i think gets it fightiong daemons

bad guy is gonna shank blondes head on a swqord but chick stops him by going to drop the cip in the star gate

as he know nbopthing of her, he'd know not wherre it would go

she gives him da cup and shoves his a55 inb the gate, but he comes out to piull her in

btw the sideways water was done in prom night 2 and the gate thing was done in shining force ii

so the gate ices over and blows and chick and blonde survive and the place is snowed over like a tim burton movie

chcik sz she understands why mom did this and forgives her and sez her secrets sage with her and shows her coma mom the cup card in her coat

so later moms in the hosptial and nerd and chick talk

chcik would rather  inbreed with her brother, and kepp the bloodline pure, and goes home and uses magic top unbdestroy it

also the warnd this they use is right otta harry potter, asd is them calling humans, mundane (muggles, )

blonde bro bf sez he needs her and shes his angela and she goes off with him on a mototcycle and says she sees things different now

then credits to a really 00s song with 00s cgi

the end

that was pretty cr-ppy

but in a fun way

you ever sewe show girls?

made 100 million in rentals

this has a LOT of logic, story, writing and moralkity issues

plus it rips off a bunch of better stuff

but its fun to watrch and point out the errors

not as much as the room

but not too far off

its one of those so bad its good kinda films that whi;le its all kindas of f'd up, its niot hateable

i''m glad i ssaw it

watch it if you got like 2 houyyrees to p-ss away for a laugh

for The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones 2 I want them to be in canada on the runb from daemons and find a tribe of sasquatch who are revealed to be descended from fallen angels and have stuff in common with em, but they also wanna enslave humasnity like theior origuinators made themn to do, and the 2 gotta take em on with magic! also its a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis, snes, gba, tg16 and attari jaguar where you play as the heroes of the last movie and fight accross a really exaggerated ver of canada with moose that come on screen and when you beat em up, they blow into chunks of meAT TO HEAL you. oh and the sasquatch also summon other canadian cryptids to fight as bosses

Monday, July 12, 2021

Proxima Review

 nopte; i spell out of this world

proxima

this is my review on roxima from 2019(the year of sh-t from robvoptech and transformers)

its got eva green and matt dillion and no one else i know

its directed by some frenchy and i never saw it b4 but people say its good

so after credits we get some gaijin speaking french and i closed the reviewe thinking i was in frtench but had to retype this after seeing they also sperak human

so this chick is training for a space thing and hasd a kid she bathes

a frenchie takling a bath?! what next?> her shaving her sweatry pits??

then title and she's in a place and theres a mneeting and guys talk human

she speaks unsubtitled french with some guy as i guess they dont want us to know whats going on

at least silent films have title cards

so later its a get together and this human is going to mars or soemthing and the soviet guy can't make it as i guessed his body f--ked out from years of smoking, drinking, fighting, drugs and b0ning

french chick is gonna goon the mission and can speak english like a real human, which means she was just being an a55 speaking in akumna gajin for the 1st part and not letting us understand

then she speaks the daemonic tongue of french to her daughter to devolve her wit its evil words

matt damon i meen dillin is at a bbq and his woman comes by and chats with freenchie about how frenchie is gonna leave her kid with her ex husband and dillin female is gonna raise her sons

then we see french going through a museum about space and mom gets her

later frenchie is with her daughter at a school and they meet a blonde who speaks in unsubbed french

urusai! yamero! jigoku eochiro! shine kuso jin! omae tachi wa gaeru gaijin!

later frenchie and her kid are out in da wild and by a pond

they go back and mom puts on her space uniforme, which isn't as good as the robotech oens

she talks with another frenchie isnt thier gaeru no go and mom brings kid to dads place

dad and mom chat in their gaijin talk and leave the kid unsupervised

she wanders into the road and an 18 sheeler creams her

jk thats pet semetary

Later they are at a restaurant and dad speaks german and they eat chicnese

its like the movie doesn';t want us to like it

well, it IS french!

kid takes a photo of her rents with chopsticks in their mouthes and later its night and mom talks french to her kid

mom leaves and sez bye to dad and unlike silent films where theres movement that shows what the characters say withg actions, they are kinda limp here

so frewnchie goes to this soviet base and chats with ther teacher i think who is a is soviet

she looks around the apartment with a camerra and later gets blood drained for rituals or tests

so she gets a psysical and later calls her butt buddy at night

later its day and she meets more soiets and her understudy who will replace her if she gets aids or w/e

they meet dillon and soviet goes to get some booze, whisch shouldnt be allowed, and frenchie and dillin talk

dillon sez she otta not take on too much repsonsiblity and she gets triggered and leaves after a drink

imagine if the soviets put parasites in her drink?

later she watches a video of dsillio talking of the mission and then she goes into a spinning thing for g forces

its too much for her and her eyes pop!!

jk she makes it but later barfs

later shes getting dressed and talks on da fone with her kid

so she gets i the space suit, which isn'rt as cool as the God Masters in Transformers, and later does a VR simulation of beimng outside the station and crawling around like spider man

as we see the vr, she comforts her f'd up kid

then we see her in the power armor space suit and goes in a pool to train

when are they gonna get to space?!

Even Robotech II The  Sentinels had actual cr-=p happen while they prepared to go to Tirol

so the music gets dramatic and she gets this guy in the fake space thing in da pool

later they're changinmg nd i think we see her nips and matt dammon seems into her

later she narrates but i dont speak french or ape screams so i dont know what she sez

but it shows her training and other weired space prep and then its kid reading her blog or w/e

she dont know a wordand dad helps her but in German

later chick french is in the woods with a parachute and flair and walking and matt daemon f'd his ankle

later the trio is in the woods and talking about their fams and it looks like star wars in 1 shot

did they already do the mission and it was all offscreen?

later back in the base kid comes by andf wait I think shes just at camp and watches the landing pod boated across the lake

so the astromen go by and kid reunites with mom

later mom and kid r in pool and later the trio are told what to doin the ocean after the mission

kid was under the table but vanishes and mom searches

sher finds her inside out with dogs eating her gutsas she says mommmm meeeeeee!!

jk she was foundin the park andf mom yels a bit and kid maes french sounds

they're both kinda b--chy and later dallis tells her this aint da plsce 4 a kid

she sez F u and he replies in kind

later she goes to her room and da next day id and soviet get up b4 her and leave a note and go

so frenchie goes back to trtaining on a treadmill in an air mask

her leg has rott and a dr treats it

later shes bummed and calls her baby daddy and he comforts her in english

later kid skates on ice and mom trains more and narrates in soviet french

dad sends a vid ofkid onn a bike and later kid uses a telescope to watch kids in da park

dA KIDS GO TO HERR ROOR AND SHE LAUGHs

in a training thing shee spazzes out dies or something

they pull her a55 out and later we see a 1st person view of a playground

later chick and matt go to da store and he promotes gloobal warming

at da store they see magnets of them and buys a big a55 teddy bear for kid

later shes out in the rain by a swamp and dogsa spazz out in the wild

se carrys a ladybug and narrates some french cr-p and puts items in a box and mails it

but what if the mail doesn't identify as male?

so she goes to a party with cake and daughter cant come for some reason

she fakes a smile and does press and matt dillin is caled sean paul like the Jamaican dancehall recording artist

kid does a vid of her fiming items and talking in frenchie talk

later they play ping pong and dad brings kid over and theres a glass wall between em

kid talks french to mom and they do the star trek 2/midnight express thing of hands touching on either side of glass

later mom is crying and covers it by running the sink and wasting water

at night sahe sneaks out like a cr-ppy ninja and sees her butt buddy and daughter

they drivve and getsa to the launch base zone and sneak under a fence that dont even tougch the f--kin ground, which makes it useless!!

they see the rocket whjich isn't as cool as robotech or omega supreme

she goes back and daughter likes mom again

so she lubes up withblack slime and we see her t-ts and my mom whined about "do they have to show that? why not show matt duillon naked?"

so we should see matt damons 4 incher hanging out of his breifs

but its a european film! europe is ok with naked scenes!

rwennosaunce art of paintings of naked men!

greek starues of naked men!

european models doing nude work!

its not purverted! its europeaN!

so they get ready to go to cybertron or w/e and have talk and tech prep

eventually the rocket shakes and little kid daughtewr girl says wat the P A sez b4 they say it

liquid oxygen? thats like negative absolute zero!

so the rocket then blows apoart in a forey burst and the hidden fuision reactor goes off and the whole area is nuked as we see the flesh burn off their bones

jk really they launch and the next day kid reads a thinbg from her mom and puyts it in her coat

they see horses in the soviet wasteland

then credits of what i think are real astro people who went up to the stars

but the text is blurry and theres wierd 80s music

the end

that wasn't so great

i ddin't hate it but i couldn't get most of the story

maybe if there were subs i'd like it but theres not much happening and uits all prep work and ends with them lweaving and we dont see what they were going to

its like if lord of the rings was just themn getting ready to go off to bring the ring and ends when thery leave

the acting was kinda bland and the characters weren't very engaging

at least with silent films we can see whhat they mean with their gestures

here its just nothing

its not as bad as 2001 a space odyssey and its not hateable

but its not great

for proxima 2 i want they to be on mars and find an anciuent temple. inside are ancient robots from space daemons and other alien tech that was not meant for man. the soviet get is revealed to be send there to get them and bring them back to revive the ussr and he activates the daemon robots to take out the human and french astromen! But they rebuke the daemon robots with Holy Words and the daemon robots take damage from Holy Words being spoken at them! Also its a 16 bit beat em up on snes, sega genesis, gba, tg16 and atari jaguar where you play as the hguman or the frenchie and fight weith holy words instead of fists and take on the daemon robots with increasing power formes as the soviet guy activatesd them deeper in the temple.

Thursday, July 8, 2021

Good Burger Review

 note i speell good like a burger mo=bile

good burger

this is my revierw on good burger from the distant future year of 1997 (when predator 2 happpened)

its directed by Brian Robbins who did varsity blues, ghardball and otrher cr-p

it starts keenan thompson, ken mitchell, abe vigoda, sinbad, dan schnider, sahaquile o neal, carman electra and other 90s dudes

people say its not great but i saw it b4 and liked it

its based on a skit from All That and was only pg

so after seeing a burger being made and olgos, we get the main guy owrking at good buyrger and seeing the burgers saying they like him and wanna stay with huim

he falls in a hole and wakes upand sees its 12 pm

he showers in uniform and sings "imma dude, hes a duide, shes a dude, and we're all dudes" and goes to work on rollwer blades causing damage and chaos

at the restaurant they can't take Orders AS HE's not there

he gets in and has some big bang autism wordplAY AND IT p-sses off the cuystomers

its revealed across the street is a mondo burger (nmondo cool! thats right boys, mondo cool!) about to open and the guys worry they might be replaced

in school, keenan tohomson is going on symmer vacation and a teacher dressing like its the 70s gives him advice

later the manager sends ken to deliver a meal and keenan drives wioth his hjomie and wants to relax as;;; summer

ken rolls by keenan and keenan swerves and hits the teacher lightly

keenan dont got his licence yuet and teacher is gonna send him to jail but keenen agrees to pay for the repairsd which total 1900 $ so he needs a summer job

keenan works at mondo burger but s-cked at it

the leader of this mondo burger sez in 2 years they will be the biggest in the country and gotta beat goodbuger and sez to forget everything as he;'s not their mom and  dad\

keenen jiokes he'd look weird naked(hermaphrodite joke! call go nagai!) and gets fired

i like how 90s this film looks

its got color and life

soo a guy whines about asking a burger w/o anything and gets just a bun

after some big bang autism, he sez"see you in h-ll" and Ken replies: see you there!

SO KEN CHATS TO KEENAN AND keenqan is bummed for getting canned from mondo burger as ken is random

ken suggests giving keenan a job and managfer agrees as he ssez hes a good driver w/o accidents on his record

a cook smax a fly on his head and eats it

keenan is into this chick working there and keenen sez she's "all that"

so keen shhoews kenen the burger mobile(which i think spongebob riopped off) and kenb driives and nearly runs over 70s teacher

later the mnondo burger droogs come by good burger and leader sez"watch yo butt" and ken trys

mondo dude sez mondo burgewr is opening tomorrow and is gonna end Good Burger

so mondo burger has a big a55 openning with a  bandf and lights like a tomnmy wiseau premier of the room

it looks so 90s with all the neon

so the mondo burger uses so much power that good burger blacks out so they close\

then a montage of mondo burger kicking good burgers a55

later they get a mondo burger and its huge and  costs the same as a good burger

keenan hits on the chick and shge doont care and  seeing ken on skates gives him viet nam flashbacks of the accident

he tells off ken for ruining his suimmer and later 70s teacher sez tthe repairs will cost over 2000$

so ken sits with keenan and is annoying and random and its kinda fun

ken has his own personal sauce witch he spull on keenan and it tastes good

keenan sdhares it with theguys and they love it and keeenan gives em the iodea to use it to make good burger win

then a montage to "imma dude, hes a dude, sdhes a dude, annd we're asll duydes yeah"

keenan trys to get ken to partner to get more moneyy by keenan getting 80% of the money and ken gets 20%

ken nearly tells the ingredients of da sause bvut keenen stoips him and sez nit to

mondo burgger wants to know wat the sause is as the sales are dippping

on da roof, keeenen and ken talk about theire issues and keenan aint seen his dad in a while

ken is glad keenan is his buddy and they getta long

so later they have a delivery and its to shaq and he eats the good burger and likes it on cammera

mondo buurger seez it and sez to makke their burgers bigger

quality vs quantity

so mondo leader picks up ken and wants to payn him 10$ an hour instead of the 5 he gets at good buyrger and wants to use the saUSE

after dropping ken off, keenan sez not to trust mondo guy amnd klen gives keenan a yoyo like the one keenans dad gavwe him

its kinda nice and heart warming

mondo dude hires carman electra to to seducwe ken to get da sause

ken don't get her flirting and when she asks for a date hwe consents

keenan congratulates ken and ken suggests keenen ask chiock to make it a double date

kenan domt think ity'll wortk but ken asks her and she cponsents

they all go out AT NIGTh and carmanaskswhats in da sause and keenan trys kickingh ken but nail;s carmen

she wants to be alone with ken but he dpont wanna like he'sd goku or luffy

they play mini golfe and ken is alway wearing hios good burnger outfit

at golf he nails carm,an in the head wqith the ball

they go back and keenen anbd chick get alonmg as she sez ken thinks keenen is good

she trusts ken as hes innocent and pure like goku or som,ethingh

carmen sez if sahe tells him how to make the sause she'll give him anything and trys to kiss him

he dont consent and does a kung fu throw to flip her off

so carmen quits and later chick doint likew keenan for swindlinmg ken of the contract

but wont tell ken as it mioght hurt him,

keenan trys talking to ken but a dog cvomesd by barking and they try giving it a mondo burger

it dont eat it and eats a good burger so they cross dress tio go under cover in mondo byurder to find it

keenan fakles having an episode abnd needs watyer and thry sneak in and seethem using chemical;s on da burghrrs to enbiggen em

mondo leader sees em and sez it is illegal but noone can know and he dont care what happensd to the people who eat it

mondewr leader is gonna silence em so they dont say whats in it

he runs keenan through a meat grinder as he screrams and splatters and his good is made into burgers

jk really he sends em to da nut house

ken has fun in the padded room anmd hanging witrh the nuts

kewenan dont like it and when playing cards, 1 guy ios eating em

at night the mondo dudes break in and put poison in the sause buit abe vigoda wakes up and sees em

he uses his ww2 training and violently kills thjem with hits to key points in their bodies that make them tear apart!

jk really they catch him and send him to the nut housew where they meetken and keen

they got 4 houres to get out and save the day

ken changes the radio to play upbeat music and the nuts start dancing

what is this? mac and me?

so keene gets the guaards top dance and he beats em up in dance moves

they unlock the door and escape with a crazy chick but find a big craZy guy THAT KED BEFRIENDS

THE ALARD SOUNDS AND BIG PSAYCXHO throws keenen through da window

as its pg theres no cuts or blkood

abe jumps out and ken hugs craZY CHICK And jumps and they have 0 damage from a 3rd story fall

so they run and steakl an ice creamn truck and race through town with the nut wagon after em

keenen and ken throw ice creanm pops at the nut van and it takes out 70s teacghers mail box

some geezer chix go toi goode burgereto get burgers with extrra sause and they are served even though ken aint there

ken gets to good burger and tackles the geezer and keenan reveals the poison plot

so ken and keenen climb up the roof of mondo burgfe and climb the sign  to get down the smoke stack straw   to the kitchen

keenen tells ken to stay back and keenen goes to confront the guards and sprays wem with ketchup and mustard

what is he? conbdomit king from batman?

so ken dumps all the grow juixce into the meat as keenen gets to da roof and is aught

keenen sez ken has thew chemicals and is heading to da cops, but ken comes over with an epmty can of growe roids

in da kitchen the burhers start blowing and the restaurant f---ks out in slo mo

its like dbz when goku went ss3

70s teacvher parks his car and the burger on the sign falls and busts it

da cops arresat mondo leader and keenen sez to da cops about the chemicals

keenen tells 70s teacher he''s got half the money to pay him and will have the other half by the end of summer

ken sez he knew the mondo burger guys wouldbe able to use the legal systewm to prevent and delay any trial or affects so he put the goo in the meat to expose em

cuz hew's not stoopid

keenen sez he don't wanna be partners but just friends and they get along

ken is welcomed back a hero and sez "wel com to good bure ger, home of da good bur ger, can i take your order"

the end

that was good

nice, lite, clean, fun, upbeat, it dont got a forced sad moment to make us feel low in a freekin comedy

its a nice tvpg movie thats enjoyable and has a good bit of heart weaved in

the characters are fun and i feel positive watching it\

for good burgwr 2 i want it to be about the after effects of the chemicals in the mondo burger meat mutating people into grotesque monstroities and they have turened the town into a burned out husk. the city was sealed up and those trapped in have to fend for themselves. the 2 guys from good burger gotta find a cure and use the guys sause to solidify the devolved into temporary statues by blasting em with it in super soakers. also keenan and his gf gotta teamn up and get ingredientws to bring back for ken to use to make the cure. its also a 16 bit run and gun game on sega genesis, snes, tg16, gba, and arati jaguar where you go through several levels in a burning city and fight various devoplved people in weird m,utated formes

Sunday, July 4, 2021

Support Your Local Sheriff Review

 Note; i spell sherrifian

Support Your Local Sheriff

this is my revuiew on Support Your Local Sheriff from 1969

its directed by back door Burt Kennedy and stars  james gardner, harry morgan, bruce dern, chubby johnson, dick peabody, dick hayes (is this a p0rn0?) Walter Brennan from bride of frankwenstein, Sergeant York, The North Star, Henry Jones from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and Arachnophobia and Willis Bouchey from Panic in Year Zero and Kathleen Freeman from Batman Beyond, Shrek, Joe Dirt, Babu Genuioses, Naked Gun 3, Little Nemo, The Fly (50s ver) and Cry Danger

I never saw this b4 and never really heard of it til today

So it starts with a guy being buried and no one knows him as he was just there 2 days and bit it of some disease

a chick noticvces gold in tthe grave and tthey all satart digging

its a mad mad mad mad world

so we get credits to people rushing overalso this film is wiidescree and color

so the town devolved into mad max and the town council guys don;t like it

thery give 20% of all their diggings to a fam as they own trhe area the gold is shipped through

so jimmy gardner cokmes ro town and at a card game2 guys fitrre and the people tallk over who shot 1st

jimmy sez the guy faked drawing with 1 arrm, and grabed his piece with trhe oter and caPPED HIM 1ST

so then outside a fight breaks out as jimmy eats

on a muyddy road pople fight and a chick falls in the mud face 1st

bimmy sees a sherrif wanted sign and goes to inquire

he talks over the details and sez he wants it to be a tempo job b4 he goes to soviet australia

he shjows his skill by throwing a thing up andshooting through the hole in the center 2x

he hears the jail dont got bars as tey aint coiome in yet

so tea gardner goes out and hoses off the mud fighters and sez hes sherrif

he tells em to tell this guy hes under arrest for murder and everyone thinks  this s the end od earth worm jim

jimbo wants  toi arrest the guy who did the arm tthing to cap the guy and the guy from MASH trys to get him not to but when jimmy sez he'd quit, col potter backs off

this chick in a tree is being weird and a  lady sez she got her hair caught in an iice cream freeezer

so jim goes too confront the card shgooter but people behind him are capped by a guy with f'd eyes as thdy were gonna back shot jim

so they bring card shooter to the barless jail asannd f'd eyes is gonna be his deputy and jimmy tells card shooter to pretend there are bars

what is this? mr rogers? doing make believe?

also theres a blood stain on the floor and jim sez its from the last guy who went past the fake bars

so jim wants to hire f'd eytes for deptuty and they talk abiout uminy wanting to go to sooviet australia  and f'd eytes dont get it

later he tellds f'd eyes that eyes needs to improove his aim and puts nails in wood to hammer in with gunfire

card gunner trys walking out but jimmu catches him and takes him back as card gunner sez his brothers are gonna get him out

also he sez the capping was either him or the guy he iced

also jimym sez he took the guys bullets when catching him but only tkes em out after returning them to the CELL

so chick is cooking and her dad harry mrogin and having drinks with jimm and talking about how things are going good

col potter worrys about trhiungs bercoming normal and making the h00kers go tro church and stopping the b0ning

she comes out with dinner and her dress caught fire and jimmy splashes water on her a55 and she thinks hes feeling it and spazzes out

col dordo from baoh sez his daughter will get the rights to the gold mine aND SO WILL THE GUY SHE MNARRYS

so later the card troopers fam comes by and tells jimmy to let his sun out at gunpoint

so jimmy puts huis finger in there like its bugs bunny and makes the dad stop

in mythbusters, its revealed that would bow his hand off

dads malcontenty over there being no bars and card gunner whines like a kid about how it went

dad has enough of his sh-t and kills him

jk really he lets him stay in jail and is shocked the f'd eyes red dragon  is deputy

later the fam is talklking about what to do and his sons are dumba55es who dropped outta grade school

later jimmy and chick sit on a swing bench and she trys to explain how she was weird b4

she thinks hes sexy and dont want him thinking shes nuts and he sez he thinks shes prttyy but that he's going to soviet asutralia and might not stay

she b---ches out and goes back in for no reason

later jimmy goes to use dyno mite and look for gold but find jack sh-t

f'd eyes archfriend dragon thrtows dymno mite in da water and it wastes fish and he takes em out to eat

jimmy g boy sez card gunner is cained to a stove and they talk about how to split da gold

f'd eyes synchron reveals he has exp with horses and his dad was strung up fgor stealing horses

imagine wild west yugioh where if you steal cards you get strung up?

back at the jail they get the bars in and jimmy talks to card gunner casually about giving his deputy a message

like its andy griffith and otis

som a guy calls out anfdy i mean jimmy and is about to cap him but jimmy draws 1st and wastes him

then a guy walks to a building and tells chick he's gonna be right out

he goes in, gunshots and walks out and bites it and andy friffith i mean james gardner comes out

f'd eyes guardian tells jimmy another gunfightern came in and he goes out

he sees a stranger and they go to they town road and b4 draweing, jimmy throws rocks at him and he runs

good twist

so the dad and bros are planning what to do and 1 bro looks like the biker guy from honey i shrunk the kids the series

so the night time at then the fam trys to pull the bars off the wall by tying ropes and running on horse

but they tied the ropes on themselfes and fall

dad yellls at card gunner for helping the jimmy durante put in the bars and f'd eyes Cyber Dragon comes by and dad storms off

holy cr-p we're almost done

just like 20 mins lift

that felt like nothing

so jimmy olson is on a ride with chick and she sez the dad is rounding up a force to bust card gunner outta jail

he suggests skipping town and she thinks its mature and he misinterprets this as her thinking hes a coward

he changes his toon blue eyes white dragon to defence mode and is gonna stay

the town council votes to not interfere but chick comes in with a shotgun, fires a shot and objects

she ass who's gonna help jimmy rolfe and they say its not that simple

she reminds em how mad max the town was b4 him and calls em candya55es so her dad, the maypor throws her outta the town meetuing shed

she b--ches to jimmy about it and f'd eyes DarkLord sussests going to australia with jimmy but he has a plan

so the badds come to town and a big a55 GUNFIGHT breaks out

chicj is snipering guys tro h-ll and jimmy comres out andf says "hold it"

they stop until he says "go aHEAD" after goes behindsome logs

more gunfire and they see the card gunner tied to a cannbon and juimmy and f'd eyes by it

he tells the homies to surrender or he blows card gunner a 3rd and 4th a55

what a good guy

they surrender and he lets them carry the card guy away

he sez he just stuick a fake fuse in it and lights it with his smoke

it goes off and blows the h--kweer place and the town councio comes out after b0ning these chicks

later the town celebrates the sherrif jimmy and hes sez he wantsa to go off

then chichk is riuding a spazzing horse as guys throw firecrackers at it and he helps her and sez shes his girk

he sez after they get married, he's gonna go to soviet ausztralia

she saez shes THE richest chick in the country like bluma in dbz and f'd eyes Sphinx sez they get married and he never goes to australia  but f'd eyes becomes a famous westers guy

the end

that was fun

goes by at good pace

has flow and dont drag

is UPBEAT AND DON'T HAVE A FORCED SAD MOMENT LIKE austin powers and the cat in the hat to ruin the film

its up and bright and sunny all through

glad i saw it

it holds up and is enjoyable

Also the australia thing makes me think it ootta crossover with quigley down under

for Support Your Local Sheriff 2 i want him to go to australia and gets lost after his group is attacked by a pack of Yowie and he and his woman team up and fight through the wastelands of auatralia to get out. Its also a 32 bit Light Gun Game like house of the dead on Sega Saturn, PS1 and 3DO where 1 player is the husband and the other is the wiofe and they fight auistralian cryptids

Friday, July 2, 2021

Cast A Tall Shadow Review

 note; i spell coppw boy good

Cast a Long Shadow

this is my review on Cast a Long Shadow ferom 1959

ots gopt audie murmpy and no one else i know

its directed by Thomas Carr who did nothing i saw

i never zaw this b4 but hay, audie muippmy

after really 50s credits and msuic, audie rides into towen and its full of mexicans

a guy asks about a guy who came in and 1 mexico sends him to the bar and sez audiwe ownes him a ,ot of dough

in da bar, audie plays cards ad dsome blonde chick is into him

audie has enuf andf ditches the card game and gets in a fight

the other guy comes in and beats off the guys and pulls a gun on em and gets audie out

audie sez he sold his gun and other guy sez this guy bit it and other guy was looking for audie

so with his dad in h-ll, audie gets the farm and its revealed audie didn't like him

other guy sez audie can't handle the farm and offers to buy it from him for 20 000 $

othert guy and his homies pooled their dough to it and audie agrees

audie and him go on to the farm to sign the papers

huh, this has james best who was in the killer shrews and forbidden planet

and Denver Pyle from boinnie and clyde

and Ann Doran fom Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Yankee Doodle Dandy, My Favorite Brunette, The Snake Pit and Rebel Without a Cause

AND Robert Foulk (the fouke monster?) whi was in White Heat, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Rebel Without a Cause and Pete's Dragon

so back on da farm the other guys are at church and WHEN AUDIE GOES IN HE SEES THIS MEXICAN CHICk and thery get along

she gets him some booze and asks about him and janet from the magic school bus

so at church the Priest tells em, things are f'd since boss got it and now what will they do without him to keep em in line

as they were just j-rkin off the whole time

a guy comes in and sez audies in and 1 chick sez they sdhouldnm't split up da farme as it took boss a lifetime to make it so good

so 1 guy chats with audie and wait its the priest, and audie dont like him

the people talk about audie aND 1 chick likes him but her fam dont want her marruing her and imply she may havew b0ned him

so he wanders around da farm and finds a painting of hgis dad and wait it was a mirror, wait, theres a mirror below the painting

also he compares himself to it and then chick comes in

she sez she was 17 (which is the same as 7 to some people) when they last met and she saids no to him last time

btw this is in widescreen but good blw

he sez hes abnormal and something abnout not having a last name and how he's all f'd up

he seems like hes not really dads son and don't think he'd get rtrerspect

she has a MOment wuith him abd wants to be with him and they make out

1 guy gets a letter saying the ranch is ghonna be forclosed soon

later the people are celebrating and playing wuith guns and the guy shows em the lletter

they have days to make the dough and can't without selling the cattle and its a long a55 DRIVE

theb auduie aND GF COME BY AND they wanna marry but preist isnt a real preist

so they gotta go to santa fe istead of soviety w/e they are

gf tellls her mom and moms happy she found a manb but her possibly inbred bros are b--chy as he dont got a last nname and mock hm

isnb't that mocking a disibilioty?

so they fight and bro gets eventrually beat out but other bro throews him a gun annd note guy shoots it outta his handsm, which mythbusters say would f--k his hand off

after having enough pof these c-ck suckers, he tells em off and sez hes not selling it and is gonna run it

and fires  the inbred guys for trying to kill him

but note guy tells him tthe bank is stealing his ranch as b4 dad bit it, he bowworwed too much monery

auduie is gonna do the big a55 CXATTLE DRIVE and they go with him so they can keep theiir homes

he sez no booze and tella gf hes gonna marry her when he gets back

they goo oof and as they go on, aidier fores a guy for drinking but gf trys to get him to reconsider

she whines about him changing and how now he wants to get even

also he wantsa to cast a long shadow and be a big man and thinks he'd dtch her for a bertter girl

later the guys talk and a guy sez hes the other last living relative and if audie bites it, he'd be in charge

sp audie comes in and they beat on him but note guy saves him

note guy sez to be not so hard and audie don't care and note guy takes a drink and is fired

gf has enuiff and leaves but ih her name is jannet, and she tellsa npote guy not to let audie go as he cannt do it on his own

note guy is comforrted by the mexico chick who sez he was afraid of da boss and did what boss said  to get the rRANMCH THAT WAS GIVEN TO AUDIE

SO HE EVENTUALLY GOES OFF TO HELP AUDIIE WITH AN EXTRA HORSE but soome malcontents are wait, its the card game guys from b4, followiing em

so the cattle a55 DRIVE GOOS ON AND ITS NIGHT AND THE CARD GUYS FREAK OUT THE HORSES with a dead wold skin

the horses run off like yoshi in mario world when something brusges past him and audie goos after em with his homies

so they get back and audie wants to drive cattle all night and rock around the clock and note guy sez night drives lead to stampedes

he sez its smart to be afraid at timers and sometimnes you gotta aDMIT ur wrong to be a bigger man

the men dont wanna do it and audiue b--ches at em and note guy sez hes the auidiers dad,. not da boss

audierc jumps him and hisd dadgives him the beating he needed years ago

they clash but the carders scare the cows and they stampede

btw this is pretty bright for night

audie and real dad and the guys ride by em and dad falls but audie saves him

1 fired ghuy tryusd to j fk audier but a guy calls him and they both blow each other to h e doyble englanmd

audie and friends get the cow a55es ovdr to bre chopped ibnto burgers and real dad sez he can cast a mighty lomng shadow of his own

audie sez as long as he has gff and dad, he'd be fine

the end

that was pretty good

its not too long

haas a good story of audie murphy going up and down in good and bad

good twist

the final rush was pretty well done

i like that b/w filming

not with swearing or b0ning or gore or anything

its srs but not 16+

i liked it

for Cast a Long Shadow 2 i want it to be years later and audie is marrieds to the gf who's gotten overr 600lbs and he has his workers carry her around and hose her off in the back. also his kidds with her are teens and dealing with their issues and its kind of a slice of life movie with then being on a farm and living life in a series of smasll episodic adventures. also its a 32/64 bit game on sega saturn, ps1, n64 and 3do where you play as 1 or both of the kids and go around doing mini games and prepARING for the harvest.