Sunday, August 18, 2019

A Mighty Heart Review

Note; My spelling is more normal than angelina jolie acts
A Mighty Heart
this is my review on A Mighty Heart
I've never seen this but i got nothuing better to reaview
i'm not a fan of jolkie as she's kind of a nut
plus she dated brad pitt and seduced him away from another chick he was with
that chick dodged a bullet
i hear he's kinda f'd
and each time angelina makes the news her dadc Jon Voight has to put up with it
its like Charlie sheens dad dealing with his son
so on september 012 aneglia goes to the 3rd world and later theres a war or uprising or w/e
her and her husband stayed to report after the war
the natives saw the malcontents as the heroes and america as the bad guy
like cuba seeing the soviets as the heroes against america
so she's like 5 months pregnant and her husband gets captured by natives
should've stayed outta the 3rd world
so its jan 05 2002 and this guy goes to see angelian about cybernet
is that like the non-copyrighted version of skynet from terminator?
her husband looks liek that5 butt pope ben affleck
so her husband goes out in a taxi and goes to work
he talx to a giy about meeting a guy
angliena interviews a guy defending the malcontents and husband keeps looking for the guy who uses sybernet
husband goes to meet a guy and later its night and they eat dinner after dark
after dinner they find husband isnt here so angie chex his emails to fidn who he was meeting
none of the phone numbers they find there work and they find he was looking into violent drug dealing malcontents who assassinate people
but unlike when the queen or r fk did it, its seen as bad
so angelino calls the cops over her husband but they cant do sh-t
so later she calls the cops or diplomats or w/e and thsi white guy answers saying he met her husbansd
i wouldn't be surprized if the americans were behind it and the bad guys who did it for powers in this film
all these films hate america
we need more Schwarzenegger like films with bad a55 americans who fight for freedom
so then we see husband talking to a guy about meeting a big guy who don';t wanna meet journalizts
i think that was a flash back
so then the ciops or something come by angies place and check things out like ID or Passports
a guy calls angie saying hes worried of being wacked
just like daiaana and the queen in soviet england
oh i think the guys there are journalists
maybe detectives
so they all look for her husband but by janurary 025 found jack sh-t
and jack just left
the guy worried of getting wacked (who was asking husnand about meeting the big guy) meets angie but dont give her the name of the guy he was meetimg as he d0nt wanna be turned inside out and have his guts b0ned
so more investigation reveals hes kidnapped and is a hostage that they wanna use to get something so they'll keep him alive
they could still cut off pieces or b0ne him.
later some guys come by and 1 sez the detective or w/e is torturing him and others
later angies maid or slave or w/e sez someone can't come back as it would f their family or something
then a guy who looks like husband comes by
wait, its not him
they go over da evidence and its revealed a guy wired 10 000 $ to a guy in early september
i thought it was da gove that did the attack
later angie tells a guuy that her huaband is a non religious jew
as the people in that country dont like them
sp the malcontents say husband is CI A and send them a message
husbands mom calls saying she saw the photoes the kidnappetrs released and is glad hes alive
later a cop or w/e asks why husband met with those dangerous people and blames him for getting kidnapped
better idea; he shouldn't have went to the 3rd world!!
imagine if a guy snuck into a jail and got gang b0ned?
later in soviet los anhelas, reports report on husnand being caughtr and tells the kidnappers side of how they want more rights for their group
so i think the CI A confirms husnband is part of them but i mightve misheard that
So they go over the evidence and find 1 guy goes by several names
so eventually,the kidnappers give america 024 hours to meet their demands or they gonna ice him
so later its been 10 days and husband's corpse turns up full of bullets
american guy checks it out and its not husband
and the news reported it as him
more proof you cant trust the media
later this beardo is interviewed over husband and i think its a guy he wanted to meet. the big guy
turns out, he wasnt behind it and was just used as bait to get husband out
later the cops capture this sleazy looking guy and make him phone somneone
he arranges a meeting for the next day and the guy he called is the bad guy going by several names
1 cop presses a guy saying if they don';t save husband, their violennt 3rd world country will have bad press
then the cops bust in and shoot up a place
sleazoid is strung up by his wrists and grilled
i think hes naked as it dont show him below the waist
so then the cops bust into another areaand arrsst more people
later the team looks over ecidence and 1 kidnapper caught 3 americans and 1 brit b4 but they were released unharmed
later angelia has blatter and womb issues cuz she was holding in her whiz too long
then a montage of her remembering her husband
then the wall street journal tells everyone husband was in the CI A
then not husband but looks like him puts togetrher a conspiricy that the guy who got money might've been contacted as an exchange for america
1 guy the cops caught sez he kidnappped husband for being american
later the team learns the guy husband wanted to mee (i think big guy) was caufght for a week but im not sure if that was b4 or after husband got kidnepped
1 week caught guy goes on trial and says husband might be iced
wtf, according to imdb, jenifer anistan was gonna play the wife
one more thing angeklina stole from her
also people whined about anlinia playing the wife as in real lik=fe, the wife was part cuban or afircan but mostly dutch or something and angelina is a frenchie
yet anna karenina having slavics being played by irishmen is ok for some reason
its like casting mexicans as japanese
later theyb tell anglina that husband bit it
and i think this time its real
she freaks out
i kept saying it
never should've come to the 3rd world
its like russian roulette
yeah 5/6 times its safe
but every so obften someone gets their head blown off
she asks how they knew its him but the cops say they have a bideo where they took off his head
later the natives ritual sacrifice animals to their god
then she gives an interview and says 10 natives were iced the same month her husband was
sounds like a place to stay the h-ll outta!
interviewer asks if she saw the video of them chopping him up
she tells him off as the media is the enemy of the people
they milk pain and suffdering for ratings and twist things to fit their agenda
then theres a flasgback to their wedding
later she learns husband was chopped into 10 pieces and she wants to deal with her issues b4 her kid is born
1 time he tried to escape and they chaimed him to a car engine
after a few attempts they videotaped him and he admits to being jewish
then we see angilina pooping out her kid
ahh! its not done! put it back!
later we see her and her 1st grade or so kid walking in the street
then text sayingwhat happened to everyone
the end
that wasnt bad
it wasnt super great buut it told a story and didnt do much wrong
it didn;t synchro with me much but i didn hate it
its got that colorless look of mid-late 00s films as its made in 2007 and by then colors were illegal
but its a well made film that even though i didnt get into it, i got nothing against
plus its based on actual events
now to ruin it with a sequel
for a mighty heart 2 i want another journalist in the 3rd world to be captured and held hostage. his fam hires a mercenary team to bust5 him out while stalling for more time. its also an 8 bit run and gun game on sega master system, nes, atari 7800 and tg16 where you play as 1-4 players and go through slums, factories, slaveyards, jungles and gotta fight through various animals and people and each time you use a continue, the timer goes down 1 hour. use too many hours,. and the hostage is eaten alive and you get the bad ending.

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

Johnny Mnemonic Review

note; i spell like the 90s future
johnny Mnemonic
this is my review on joghnny mbnonicoc
its the extended cut im watching on youtube and is set in the distant future year of 2021
the year before the sdf 3 left to find the homeworld of the robotech masters
so it starts with ntext saying corporatuions run things now and the yakuza defends em
also cyberpirates and hacketrs fight em
what is thus? shadowrun?!
also theres a new disease called NAS (like Nihon Adds System? The copyright holder of Yugioh?)
and special data is kept in human brains called Mnemonic courriers
its directed by robert longo (which sounds like a p0rn0e name)
and stars keanu reeves, dina meyes, dolph lundgren, Takeshi Kitano (beat takeshi), ice t, Denis Akiyama (whi was malqachite in saulor moon), and knoown commie Henry Rollins
huh, its based on a book or story or something
so then we see the internet and it looks like cybertron in that beast wars ep
keeanu wakes up and has some bimbo ion his room
his job is data storage and dont know where his home is
so sghe goes out and keanu makes a video call to a guy to set his job up
he wants his brain fixed but has to do 1 more mission
its always 1 more mission
we need the old blade runner
keanu go through a crowd protest as cops take em down
keanu goes to get a brain upgrade and the guy dont have the good enuff one
he uses a cr-ppier one to double his memory to 160 gigs
btw, him plugging it into his head was ripped off by the matrix
and both got it from ghost in the shell
soo he meets some guys who are new at it and they want him to carry 320 gigs to newark
but if he overdoes his storage max it kills him in 3 days and f's the data
he has to do a mission b4 this thing on him kills him?
like escape froom new york?
or ninja scroll?
he consents and they get 3 frames from, tv to act as a code
but keanu dont know what they are
they stuff it into him as he grits his teetgh and groans in pain
after iit, keanu goes to the toilet as the guys destory the original and fax the images to newawk
fax machines in 2021?
then the yakuza comes in ands kills everyone
also theres anime clips edited in like with house of the dead and game footage
keannu fights em and a guy has a laser whip thumb that slices through stuff like that monowire cyber city oedo 808
keavnu gets away to newark and in the fight, the code images were destroyed
but thumb gets the info after totrturing a guy there
keanu hasd 24 hours before his brain f's out
meanwhile, takeshi meets thumb and cuz thumb has cr0ppy japanese they speak english
the guys he iced has jacked their data and he has to bring back keanus head
but the guuys he iced wiped the data
so the last copy is keanu
like final fantasy adventure where the last mana tree is the thing
and thumb has part of the code
meanwhile, keanu needs the code out and only some special guy can get it
meanwhile, this boduguard chick wants work from the guy who got keanu his brain thing
but she's f'd up and he can't use her
also he's got some possible hermaphrodites as gfs
later ice t watrches in binoculars keanu comes up and suspects him for wearing a suit and not bad mad max fashion
keanu goes to some guys but dont trust em so he wastes em and escapes
1 survives and comes after him but ice t's homie makes a sound and gets capped
who dont keanu have a gun?
he's john wick!!
the shooter nearly caps ice t but keanu wwastes him
then ice t easaves keanu byu wasting another guy
ice t vanishes and sez his name is j bone
sounds like he does p0rn0e
meanwhile, takeshi watches home movies of his kid who just bit it and a video chick talks to him
then keanu confronts his employer over being set up to nearly be iced and the hermaphordite knocks out keamnu
the chick bodyguard goes through the ceiling and keanu wakes up tied to a table with thumb guy and employer and hermaphrodites
they are gonna take off his head and freeza it
but body gusard chick (b g now) comes in and saves him after he agrees to pay her 50 000 $
i like the lighting and set design
its dark but bright
its got life to it
and isnt just bad cgi
sorta good 80s/90s
so bg and keanu escape and thumb slices apart employer like rei from hokuto no ken
btw i was inspired to review this after i saw a vid by fugitive redeye mentioning hes gonna review it
check him out on youtube
he does things well
so ice t and his pack hold off thumb at gunpoint but dont kill them for some reasin
keanu and bg go to the sewers and she wants to stay with him til she gets paid
like misty staying with ash cuz of her bike
so keanu spazzes out from da data and the cyber chick warns takesgi that thumb is gonna turn on him
so hes starscream?
so thumb returns to takeshi and takeshi wastes 2 guys wiith a ssamurai sword but gives thumb another chance
later keanu wakes up and is p-ssed she let hin sleep
he sez he cant see what they put in his head and had a part of his brain that had his childhood memories cut out to fit the cuber implant
good metaphor for how we throw away out childhoods for work
so they go to a place with a computer and set up a vr thing with data gloves to have him manually go through the web
its pretty cool and is done with 90s cgi
btw i think beast wars did this in an ep with tigertron in the predacon ship
he finds a name and the yakuza is tracking him and sends a virus
he asks a malcontent who owes him for help and malcontent sez its pharmacon data b4 the virus gets him
then cyber chuck tells keanu "theyre comming" and they leave
bg uses a grenade and pblows the place
then takeshi calls dolph who's a religuious nut to bring in keanus head
this is really trying to be an anime
so keannu cant use credit cards as the yyakuzas  looking for him online so keanu uses a phone card from bg to call some guy at phaermacon
he tells em he has their data and arranges a meeeting
bg dont trust em as they migfht ice him but hes dead if he dont get the data
then she spazzes out from NAS and sez Spider can hellp them
then dolph gives a sermon and sez hes been cybernetically enhanced
keanu is driven ti this place by a car that we never see who is in it
did he pay for it? cutz his cards were marked
so spider sez nas is made by information overload and electronics poisoning the airwaves
btw, in sonic maria had NIDS which was a medical issues
Aids + NAS = Nids!
so ice t sees dolph and sez hes an assassin who ices guys to pay for his church
takeshi finds out cyber chick died in 2015 and her A I was uploaded to the pharmacon thing that advises the board
and has rights according to a ruling in 2006
giving riights to those who shouldnt have em
they nailed the future
so keanu sez spider his namme is just johnny and he dont got a last name
like bulma in dragon balll?
dolph meets tthis lloyd kaufman looking janitor and freezes his artm in liquid nitrogen, then smashes it, to get info
so spider (from mega man x?) scans keanus brain and examines him
bg wakes up and sez if he could get the data out, it might f it up
spider drives themn to the name keanu got from his web thing and runs over dolph
dolf; halt sinners!
spider; f--k!
runs him over
thats kinda funny
so they go to a clinic where all these ddecroding peiple are from nas
and pharmacon has treatment but its expensive
and the dr name kranu found is a name used when they're f'd but dont wanna spook the patients like if theres a violent crazy patient
so spider has keanu jack in like mega man and he scans his brain
and keanu only has 1 image from tv for the code sio spider uses decription codes
decode talker
so it dobnt work and spider wants to cut oyut the braibn implant which will f keanu's a55 up
somehow soider knows keanu has the cure for nas in his head
keanu dont care as he'd be dead either way even if it saves millions
then diolf comes in and busts a55
spifer sacrifices himself to tell em to get to jones as bg and keanu leave
yyhen dolf crucifies spider
imagine if he was b0ning him with scalples?
so keanu tells pharmacom guy to meet him but guy ids really a program controlled by takeshi
btw, why did the guys who got the cure wipe the database?!
if the cure is so good why not leave it in the companuies hands?!
better they have it than it stops existing
so bg tells keanu jones was in the navy in thge war
what war?!
they better make a spin off that shows it
like star wars clone wars
maybe it was the global civil war in robotech?
or 1st robotech war from 2009-2011
so at the place with jones the guards drop a flaming car on them and they dodge
keanu b--ches about his situation and haaving to slum with these dinks
i know how you feel
when i went to my 2nd high school it was like a slum or prison
like a demigod kicked outta heaven to slum on earth with mortals
so they meet ice t who was also in tank girl in a similar thing and keanu starts spazzing out
they bring him up to their base and takeshi is going in person to get the head of charlie brown
when kiyanoo wakes up he meets jones who is a dolphin with cybernetic implantrs
did they get this from ecco the dolphin?!
also thwy have a hacker base that sends data out to fight corporations
and theres a huge tower of 4 by 3 tvs
this is the good future
without widescreen or flat screen
btww jones is a puppet or w/e thats not cgi like they'd use today
also jones is a junkie
got hooked in the navy ike all those viet nam guys
so keanu dont trust jones but goes in anyway
also the yakuza is at the base and uses a batman brapple hook gun to go up
so joones hacks keanus brane and its got 90s cgi like a sega 32x game
so yakuza waste the guards abd 1 falls on a switch, which drops a car, which takes out a guy, which makes the other yazuka think they were spotted and use a bazooka on them
so they don't get the data from keaino  gotta take on the yakuza
btw that a i girl was from that macross sequel 1st
so takeshi gets in and holds keanu at gun/knife point (but not bayonette)
and cyber girl sez keanu has the cure and takeshis kid bit it from nas
as pharma com makes more money treating nas than curing it
and had the cure the whole time
takeshi cuits the cord keeping cyber chick connected and is capped by thumb
totally star scream
why didnt the bullets hit keanu or jones?
he was between thumbn and keanu
so they fight and keanu/thumb fall off a thing and are hanging on the ende of a hyuge drop
keanu grabs thumbs thumb and pulls it to take off his head
pretty bada55
then dolf grabs bg and takeshi isnt dead yet
he gives keanyu the code then dies
like uyghur in hokuto no ken how he came back for one last bit
so dolf starts crucifying bg and fights keanu while saying bible quotes like bibleman
bg gets jones to microwave dolf or w/e and keanu gives him the wires takeshi cut which makes him burn
cyber chick sez the dolphin can get the 3rd image
but ice t sez it might ice keanu
they use the code to try to get the data from keanu
ice t sez to the net that they have the cure and are broadcasting it so GET UR VCRS ready
they using vcrs in 2021?
this is trhe best future
then we get lawnmowerman like cgi of keanu in cyber world
this is liek atari jaguar cgui
they get the 3rd image and broadcast the cure
how is vcring a image let you have the data for 320 gigs of code for a medical cure?!
then the body of dolf starts moving
but its really cuz someones taking it out like trash
good fake out
and good effevcts
also somehow pharmacom burst into flames
thev end
lol stunts randy butcher
p0rn0 name
and good 90s musicx
animator; glenn campbell?!
the singer?!
legal affairs; andrea wood?!
moar p0rnoe!
scenes froom demon city shinjuku?
just like that janet jackson vid with akira clip
so that was pretty good.
i liked it
good 90s feel
it inspired a lot of stuff later
good effects and music
simple story that grows
i enjoyed it
yeah it had cg but it wasnt overpowering
they used it when needed and properly
and it can go on the history channel
for johnny Mnemonic 2 i want it to be revealed that the cure is actually a fake and using it causes people to mutate into big lumpy grotesque abominations that need to be in contact with ellectronics or it causes them pain. they don't have full minds or souls, but are semi ape like and often eat non-mutated people. and its up to a ice t to try to stop them wiith the dolphin in a mech suit to splatter em as they are mostly liquid now. its also a 16 bit sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba game where you go aroujnd as them and fight em in a run and gun or beat em up thing.

Sunday, August 11, 2019

She's The Man Review

Note: i spell more ammerivan than candy a55 shakespeare
she's the man
this is my review on She's the man fropm 2905
i meanb 2006
freekin battletech
its based on shakespears play 12th night from the castlevania days
this is set in modern times but its sadly the best version i can review
most are tv movies or from the soviet union or no longer exist or something
its got amanda bynes and i think this was the movie that f'd her up
its also got channing tatus (which sounds like a p0rn0 name or move), david cross and noone else i know
its directed by andy fickman who did whos your daddy, reefer madness (from 2005) and pparental guidance
i saw this b4 but remember a bit of it
so after 2 long a55 logos we get a beach soccer game by teens
so bynes and her bf are in love and he sez shes better at soccer than the other gouys on his team
later da school cut the soccer team as not enough people signed up
so she wannts to join the boys team
coach sez chicks aint as tough as dudes
abnd bf sez he didnt say she was as good as his guys and he cares to not see her get hurt
so she dumps him
1st; look up soccor leg break vids
2nd; just cuz a few girls are better than guys at soccor don't mean all girls are as good
its like when someone sez "birds eat spiders' but some dingus sez "what about the bird eatimng spiders in brazil?!"
thats the exception, not the rule
so amanda gores home and her brothers gf confuses her for brother
also amandas mom wants her to be a southern belle or something for a debutaunt ball
also her bro wants to skip 2 weeks ofd school to go to some stoner a55 music fest
also he tells mom hes with dad and dad hes with mom
so amanda decides to cross dress and impersonate her brother
amd join the soccer team to beat her real school
oh and schjool starts in a few weeks but the soccer games are still up somehow
and tells mom shes gonna be with dad for 2 weeks to learn from a friend to be a debutaunt
so her homie gets her hair anmd make up done and she acts like a cr-ppy guy
overcompensating to be manly
and taTUM is her room mate and plays soccer
his name is duke like the g i joe guy
and she covers haviing tammp0ns as nosebleed stoppers
at soccer try outs she gets 2nd string
also its shower time
but the principle has amanda see her to welcome her
hes kind of a dink
like a soyboy like trudeau or beto o rouke
on the way out amanda bumps into a blonde and likes her shoes
then with the guys 1 sez he made her old bf cry after a game
and asks if amandas sister (amanda ) is hot
and 1 guy likes a blonde i think is the shoes chick
so amanda wants to quit after the guys have enough of her cr-ppy guy attemps so this chick fakes being amandas gf in front of the guys
then another chick fakes being another gf
wait, ex gf
then the bros gf comes after amanda so she keeps blocking her face and tells her off so she dont recognize her
the guys accept amanda
you ever realize this is kind of a springer ep?
my sister faked being me
or
my sister is better at beuingf me than i am
man, we;re only 30mins in?
this movie is whizzing by but not covering much ground
a lot happened in those 30 mins
so the guys think shes a babe magnet and want her wisdom
in sciemnce class amanda get a babe partner and she likes amandas soft side
amanda sez she dont wanna dissecvt thing andpartner fees her bros poems
later magic channing xxl wants amandas help to get the partnet (who looks like minerva from transformers super god master force) in exchange for helping her master soccer
later this dingus named malcom and his pet spider malvolio are into the partner
malcome? like in super human samurai syber squad?
he wants to dig up some dirt on amanda and later gives partner a missing poster for his spider
also amanda growws closer to partner and partner is crushing on amanda
also amanda tells partner to try to give channing a chance
but channing is nervoius around girls
so amanda helps him by faking being a girl
then malvooliio comes in and freaks em out
candy a55es!
spiders are hot!!
if my son were a spider, he'd be pregnant forever!!
not that humans can have spider kids
or guys can get pregnant
then amanda's mom calls saying they have a carnival to go to
both amanda and bro
and channing has to go
this just turned into a sailor moon episode
remember when mina dated tigers eye and hawks eye on the same day?
at the carnival amanda swaps back from bro mode to real self and sees mom and her ex bf she tells off
also she does the kissing booth and takes the place of partner he wanted and they eventually smooch
kissing booth?!
what about mouth diseases?!
so ex bf comes by and is p-ssed ober him smooching the chick he likes and they fist fight
charge your ki for a stronger attack!
the fight trashes the place and they get booted
when amanda returns to school she sees channing with tammp0ns in his nose from the fight
does that work?
get the mythbusters!
and channing dont wanna talk about amanda to amanda as he thinks amanda is his sister
and amanda is trying to guide him to her
but when amanda covers a lovey thing with "which yu wanna see naked" channing think shes got issues for being always so graphic
not all guys are lusty animals
look at robotech
kind gentle bowie got that alien chick
and friendly max got miria
so after amandas  training with channing the partner flierts with channing to make amanda jealous
amanda calls him on a cellphone but channing is enlustened by the curvy blonde partner
then outside amanda tries to get prtner off channings back but she gets amanda and some nerd to double date em
but nerd cant keep her hands off amanda and amanda books it before they b0ne
also real bro is comming home a 1 day sooner
then amanda does her debutaunt thing and acts like a guy in eating like a slob and being brash
at there she chats wirh partnar as her real self about her liking channing and she really likes amanda as a fake guy
she feels bad about it bit is totally into fake bro
but she really wants fake bro amanda
then bros ex gf comews in aND THey all have a comic fight
charge your ki to do a super move!
later malcome is talking with principle about amanda but princlpe dont think theres anthing wrong
then its night and real bro comes by and partner smooches him
also ex gf gets real bro;s message about comiong back from soviet london england and realizes somethings up
then amanda coomes back and channing saw real bro kissed by partner and think amanfa used him and betrayued him
also malcom and ex gf team up to out amanda as malcom figured out amanda and bro are twins from a year book
oh and bro got kicked outta his last school for skipping
so real bro returns to his room and next day gets sucked into the game
amanda wakes up lare and malcom and ex gf tell principle about amanda
at da game, amandas rents figure out she told each rent she was with the other
then its the big game just like in the 20s film west point
amanda finds bro took her uniform ands bro s-cked at soccer
then princlipe and the bad guys come on and reveal bro is a chick
he proves hes a guy by showing everyone his parts
nowadays this would be too much for the candy a55 generation
principle; nothing to see here! no offence!
that one made me laugh
so bro dumps ex gf and gets benched
so at half time amanda reveals her thing to bro and he reveals he kissed partner
they swap cloths and gets coach to give her another chance by asking
btw she wasnt good enough to be on the team until after getting trainingh from channing
she kicks a55
but duke channing dont trust her and dont pass it to her so it f'd em up
chaning fighrs ex bf and theres a soccer riot
charge your ki for a power move!
after that, amanda sez she loves chaning and reveals shes the chick sister girl
she reveals everything and shows her b00bs to proove shes a chick
both times we didn't see it onscreen
this is sorta like in robotech how lancer was a wanted man so he put on womens clothing and hung about in bars as a fake female singer
pretty clever
imagine if madonna was actually gacy
no one would expect it
so the past school coach sez they goota forfeit as no girls allowed
but new school coach tars up the manuel which somehow negates its rules
old school coach gives up and they play the rest of the game
amanda get a free shot ant the ex gf goalie and with soem rebound kung fu gets it in
they win and amanda's fam starts recovering
bro gets partner and nerd girl gets the black guy and they make out weird
amande sends duke tatum an invite to the debutant thing for her coming out and t night in the garder they reunite
they patch things up and he sez if he knew she was a chick he wouldn't have talked to her as easy
they go out together as a debutant thing and later they play soccer together on the same team
did she change schools?
then credits to that 00s song "move along" or w/e
the end
i liked that
its got good pacing
good speed
good acting and music
it had actual color and not dingy dreary darkness
those early-mid 00s films were pretty good
despite being shakespere its actually a good film
except today people might be too disturbed by the fun comedy as they get offended by everything
which makes it even better
for she's the man 2 i want her to have trouble keeping up with the guys in the team who are developing more manly than her and she might be cut. so she gets into roids and becomes a huge hulking muscle chick like fire venus from the violence jack manga. also she keeps having episodes where she blacks out and wakes up covered in guts. its also an 8 bit dr jekyll and mr hyde like game where you alternate between playing soccer mini games and having beat em up levels where she hulks out more and starts splattering and eating people for more protein on nes, tg16, gameboy, game gear, master system and atari 7800.

Saturday, August 3, 2019

Last Night Review

Note: I spell like a reak man. Not a candy a55 canada
last night
this is my review on last night
its got don mckeller from twitch city and like 2 eps of degrassi next gen
I've never seen this b4 but my mom liked it so imma watch and revirw it
it starts with aparently the last night on earth before the apocalypse or something
people are unusuaslly calm
probably because they don't got souls up in soviet canada
but if you go to america, you grow a soul
as having souls is dependant on location
all the stores are empty and sandra oh from that show i never watch is buying booze
while buying cr-p, some punks tip her cr-pmobile over
then the title like a 50s movie
you'd think withthe world about to end people would be riotiong, looting and b0ning everyone.
like florida after the hurricane
or haiti after the earthquake
or section A in violence jack evil town
so don and his fam have christmas or w/e
but its not xmas so they open presents early
his mom goes kinda b--chy over him not wanting to wait and puts booze in her coffee
sandra oh finds her car by a lamp post and its probably been b0ned by teenagers
also the gas company is calling people saying it'll keep the gas flowing til the end
don and fam have dinner talking about how some people went nuts like haiti or florida
but they say not icing people at the end of the world is a sign of values
true, but those words and ideas mean nothing to the moralless
you cant reason with savages
its like trying to reason with a bear
and we all know how grizzly man went
so this chick named lily like the wedding peach girl goes to this guys apartment and they talk
he remembers meeting her but she dont recall him
then they b0ne
but 1st they talk about little things and eat time
so this 12 year old girl wants her ears pierced and is kind of a little b--ch
so eventually don gets home and oh is there and needs a phone so he lets her in
she calls around for her butt buddy or w/e cuz her car got f'd and se needs a ride
don works in a day care and has art by other peoples kids in his place
don sez his mom made them fake christmas and gave em gifts wrapped from their childshood to bring back good memories
don is gonna end the world alone and suggests oh steals a car to get home
so then theres 003 hours left until the end and people outside are cheerful about their end
they've snapped
then the b0ning guy has another chick come by and he tells her his past
he was gonna be a dr
this chick tells him his mom invited him to their prayer meetung to pray for humanity
i think she was his teacher and then they b0ne
while looking for a car to jack, don chats with oh about regular cr-p
he finds 1, busts a window and hotwire it
she met her butt buddy when da gov shut down and was married b4
also shes pregnant with his kid and don dont know how to hotwire
so thry hitch hike
in the apocalypse
unarmed
thats a recipe for being b0ned dead
so they keep walking and meet a loser who's giving out tickets to his own concert he's finally doing
they want his car but he wont give em it
they go in a place and she sez she and her butt buddy are gonna suicide at midknight
cuz those reporters who say the world ending is ending are never wrong
so they go to b0ning guy's place and the teacher makes dion speak french
why not just scream like an ape?
this is jerry orbach. or in our other official language; ahhh!! ahhhhhhhhh!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! ah! ah! ah! ah!
so b0ning guy wont give them his car as they are anquites
but he gives em it anyway
she goes and b0ning guy thinks don was b0ning oh
once at a yugioh tourney, this guy thought I wasn't a virgin cuz I have a GF. And was confiused when he found out we aren't b0ning
he didn't get the point of liking someone as a love interest and not b0ning em
then acted like me having morals was weird
this is what happens when you watch p0rn0
it turns you into a degenerate
this world is turning into la blue girl
so b0ning guy shows don his lair full of chalk boards of devient actions he wants to do to chicks
wait
its things he's done
wtf don mckeller
you wrote and directed this
arre you a purvo too?!
i mean yeah I joke about b0ning
but i joke about cannibalism and have no interest in doing that
well...
unless its like, a boat in the middle of the ocean
and its just me and a midget who keeps telibg me to pull his finger
but thats when you gotta do it
so don is gonna go home and b0ning guy has a talk with him
get outta there don!
he's probably gonna b0ne you!!
good f--k he actually does!!
i was joking and they actually had that!
don mckeller wrote and direced and acted in a scene where a guy trys b0ning him
and don sez he would b0ne him if he had more time to prepare
looks like its true
b0ning too many women ur not married to can turn you queer
don leaves w/o being b0ned
yet
i cant believe caitlynn ryan nearly married him over joey jeremiah
good think joey beat his a55
so oh is driving and some malcontents swarm her and attack her car
just run em over
a guy nearly b0nes her her anothet guy saves her
maybe this is why the world is ending
all the vice and sin
look at sodom and gomorrah
or noah's flood
or the comming earthquake thats gonna take out soviet california
history repeats
so later this human couple where guy has a gun go to this guys place and then itds 0001 hoirs until the end
we dont see what happens
i think he put the gun up his a55 and gave him a double barreled supossitory
then loser plays piano in a nearly empty arena
so oh returns to don and calls her butt buddy
but there's no answer
she wants to stay til the end with don
wait
she wants him to cap her
but theres an innocent baby in her
thats a double murder
just cuz she wants to not be iced by the end
tis better to die than be killed?
also she got wine despite having a baby in her
why not just microwave a guy's parts?
you wouldn't give booze to a baby
why is it different to give it to it in you?
so don and oh tell each other about their lives
dons girl bit it right b4 they said da world would end
a geezer b--ches about how worrying about kids isnt good as she put 80 years in and its f'd now
so b0ning guy b0nes like his 600th chick and he's running outta juice
also don and oh are ready to headshot each other
did he steal this from mad bull 34?
so time runs out and they smooch instead of cap
then the screen goes white and credits
oh f
bird dog dickens was a sound mixer
he was in degrassi and later arrested for watching p0rn0 of people f--king animals
also; jim butt
a name in the credits
well with all the b0ning this might as well be a p0rn0
huh, this was from 1998
well that wasnt bad
not much happened in it
its a more quiet and mild apocalypse movie
makes sense as its canada and they aint known for being awesome or bada55
i didn't hate it
but there's not muuch there
and it didn't feel like x men 1 or halloween 1 with good build up and release
it just kinda happened without really happening
lotsa ugly people too
its an ok film
buut there's just not much that occurs within its gates
for last night 2 i want it to be revealed that they were wrong about the end of the world and people are disgruntled by it. so disgruntled that they give up on civilization and start b0ning and eating each other in a giant pit in the center of town. this occurs all over the world and the lust and senseleessness cause daemons to summon and start destroying the world and b0nig and eating the people. the good people who stayed sane use holy words to fight the daemons and send them back to H E Double California and go around clearing out the area and icing the people who summoned them. so they don't return. Then in Laat Night 3 its revealed da gov was behind it to take out most of the people to make the world easier to manage and the summoning was their plan the whole time. and the good people go to take em down. also its an upb to 4 player 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you play as 1 of 4 bada55 bodybuilders including chicks and fight daeons with holy words and people with fists and items.

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

The Stuff Review

Note; i spell bad but its delicious
The Stuff
This is my revirw of The stuff from 85
Its by Larry Cohen who did good films like Bone, God told me to, Its Alive and A return to Salems Lot
its got michael moriarty from law and order, paukl sorvino from law and order and Danny Aiello from do the right thing (where mooky doesnt do the right thing)
so it starts with a guy finding this white goop oozing from the ground and he eats it
sounds like a normal idea.
could be j-zz
his homie trys it and likes it
later this kid in bed cant sleep and goes to the fridge and sees goop in it
someone j-rked off in the fridge!!
but when dad confronts him over it the goop is gone
so dad eats it
then we see an add for the goop called the stuff
like in yugioh zexal  how that politician was having a shipment of "the stuff" coming in?
other companies want to get the scoop on the stuff
after the stuff was approved by the fda, the members who approved it resigned
the companies hire a guy to figure out the story behind the stuff
i think hes a spy or private dick
is that michael mroiarty?!
so da next day the kid comes down late and he sez he feels sick
but dad sez he's missed 3 days ofn school and wants him to go
also kid dont want the fam to eat the stuff
like from highway to heaven?
he saw the stuff moving and refuses to eat it
private dick looks into the stuff and wants to seteal the info
then an 80s photoshoot with 80s music of 80s chicks modeling the stuff in furs
p d looks shows up and wants to buy her agency
model owning chick has a minion look him up
at the store the kid trys stoppong people from having the stuff by slamming itr on da ground
imagine if i burned down a beer store to stop drunk driving?
p d goes to a guy with a big black dog's place and asks him about being in the FDA
F--k Duck A55??
F--k Dog A55?
he wants to find out whats in the stuff
btw i never saw this movie b4 so i dont know hoq its gonna go
dog guy isnt a chemist (like dolph lundgren but not bill nye) and offers to get him more names
also he fed his dog he atuff and fears it
feed dogs aids
at night p dd goes to an ice cream stand selling da stuff as the dog wastyes its master
wait
i think it barfed foam into his mouth
idea for a movie scene; fat guy moons fit guy. fit guy spits at fat guy. it goes in his butt hole. he starts screaming as it reacts with his body and white thick foam comes out of his butt. then his face twists and his mouth, nose, ears and eyes start leaking foam, then it gets more violent and he gushes foam out while making barfing sounds.
so p d goes to a gas station and gasman is the omnly one left in town
another car come by and gasman runs
when p d checks it out a black guy attacks but p d beats him
black guy is chocolate chip charklie who wants his company back adftyer it was stole
pd and ccc check the poast office and fins the people there went to midland georgia
postal woker sez "leave us alone" but theres no one ellse there
ccc considers kidnapping postal but postal is dead with a grotesque open mouth and white fluids oozinf out of it n out da window
its a symbiote!!
then they escape after fighting guys who squirt white goo when hit
its like fist of the north star
also postal is alive
they go too a diner but the dinber dont have the stuff
they split up and p d goes to da city
but a stuff vendor uses an 80s brick cellphone to signal a bus to try to run over p d
p d talks to a guy who funds the stuff production or w/e and guy trys to hire him
then talks to a chick who started the campaign that made da stuff popular
also p d sees an newspaper story on the kid
then an 80s add for the stuff on tv and kid is watching in his room as he''s in terouble for trashing a store
he goes down and his fam is playing some video game and eating the stuff
kid sez the stuff was moving but dad sez its probiotic and good for em
then the big bro grabs kid and tries to make him eat the stuff
why not give him an enema of it?
dad sez to stay in his room til he finishes the tub of stuff they gave him
so he dumps it in the toilet and it moves around
then replaces it with shaving cream
is this turning into eegah!?!?\
then he runs into the night as the fam chases him and p d saves him as he's driving by right then
kid barfs in the car as he just ate shaving cream and they take a private jet to georgia
chick pd and 2 guys go in a limo to the stuff plant
in da plane te kid astays beind and the pilot starts barfing white goo that fills the plane b4 he escapes
he probably got b0ned at the airmport bathroom
kid wanders to the mines and avoids detection bby workers and sneaks in an empty trunk that carrys fluids
at nigfht p d and chick return to a hotel and p d sez if u eat too much it controls ur mind
and some resist better than others
then an add for the stuff like the wheres the beef adds and cheesy 80s cgi
while leeping a pillow turns into moving goop and grabs p d's face
chick sets it on fire and it jumps on the ceiling
thern they fights a guy and the bed j-zzes on him to pin him to tyhe wall and move him on it
the foamy white goop moves around and it looks really good
far better than cgi
they escape the buurning hotel and jack a pickup truck to go back to the factory
they fiollow the truck with kid it it and the pickup truck f's out near the mines
in the mine they find this huge pool of foamy white goo and the truck guys are pumping it into the trucks
p d wants to jack a truck to proove what the stuff is
but that wont proove anything
all it'll show is he stove a truck of the stuff
no evidence of where its from
its like carbon dating
they know how much carbon is in the bones and calculate its date by counting back
but they don't know how much carbon it originally had
its like you have a glass of pop thats 2/5ths full and you guesstimate how much evaporated to tell how long it was out
but never knew how much it started with
so p d puts on a hazmat suit and tells chick to go somewhere to wait for him
the truck the kid is in is getting filled with goo and p d hears him
p d slugs out a guy and drives off with the truck
then sets off charges he planted that berry the pit
a guy attacks the chick but she pops his eyes and p d runs him over
good gore
they get kiod out and the cops chase em
cop pulls him over for having a hanging out hose (from the truck. not his weener)
chick and kid get cops attention by getting him to eat the stuff off the floor and p d breaks his neck with a judo chop
if you eat a guy who eats the stuff, is it like you ate the stuff?
its day and p d gets to a castle to give the colonel info
col dont trust p d but he tells him the stuff is worse than commies putting floride in the water to turn us queer
col implies he wants to b0ne the chick after the mission
later the army sends a redneck looking guy (my name is earl??) to bring back the truck asaking for a reward.
guard opens gates but shoots redneck
then army comes in and shreds him and attacks the factory
the workers all suicided and col wanted to ice em himserlf
chick and kid leave but are chased by a flow of goop
nowadays they'd use cgi
they escape but itt starts busting outta the walls and spilling out
col. owns 2 radio stations and is gonna out the stuff
on a private jet col. trys to get chick to change his image as he was always an alpha male and all the wieners wanted someone sissy like them
sounds like kids shows today
the bada55 is a 3rd tier character and the candya55 is the main guy who saves bada55
like if hokuto no ken was made today, bart and lynn wiould be the main characters and kenshiro would be their digimon who comes out to save em (but often needs their help)
col goes to his radio station and tells em to stop the adds for da stuff
chick wants to take responsibility for her add thing but p d tells her not to so her career will survive
then ccc comes in and wants a piece of the action of outing the stuff
col dont trust ccc as he maty be a commie or something
ccc sez he saw what happens after the stuff is done with em
then starts spazzing out and mutating as foam comes outta him and he devolves into foam
and kid is caught iin da room with em
p d cooks the foam with electrical cabels and saves em
col tells the radio about the dangers of the stuff
then people start burning piles of the stuff and blow the places that store it
but lotsa guys bit it
its sorta like something that happened to me
in college i saw adds for the birth comntrol pill called Yaz or YaZmin.
2 years later i was watching tv and saw an add
if you took yaz or yazmine and had uterus problems, death, disability, ect, call us and we can get you money
this happens all the time
they approve a wundecure and market it
the add has like 40% of it telling of dangers it causes
years later after it killed and crippled us, they say we can get money for our ruined bodies
i'd rather have a healthy body than a lot of cash
otherwise its just ritual sacrifice
cutting off parts as offerings for wealth
this is why scientists sshouldn't be seen as always right just cuz they got a degree
they are not gods among men who do no wrong
they are just people who can and do make mistakes
btw; black guy bit it in a horror movie
so p d talks to a guy from b4 who tried to hire him and othe guy who ran the ice cream company who sent him shows up
they were working together!!
and are making "the taste" which is only 112% stuff and tested on an illinois county
and the kid comes in with a thing of the stuff
p d pulls a gun on the and is gonna make em eat it
they eat and cant stop
later some guys are running an undersground stuff ring
the end
and the creits music sounds like a fun 80s movie like back to the future or superman 4 the quest for peace
wtf abe vigoda was in an add for the struff
so that was quite good
sorta like halloween III seasin of the witch
it had a good message we can still relate to and still fits in todays century
good acting and the effects looks real
good twists too
its mote of a satire than a horror movie
sorta like how freakazoid is a comedy with superhero thenes
larry cohen did it again
put this on the history channel
for the stuff 2 i want people to still be biting it from overdosing of the stuff and its causing problems with people erupting foam on others to infect them with the stuff. soon the gun decides to stop j-rkin off and do something about these junkies. So they decide to just take out everyone addicted to it and cook the bodies as the bodies get turned into more stuff after they erupt. also its a 16 bit run aand gun game on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you play as the colonel but he's on roids so hes super beefy and his crew including other bodybuilders (and a few beefy chicks) who go around with flamethrowers in the slums of soviet new york riasting junkies and the infected.

Monday, July 29, 2019

The imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus Review

note; i spell better than the monky python brits make sense
the imaginarium of doctor parnassus
this is my review of the imaginarium of doctor parnassus
ive never seen this b4 but its made by the monty puython guy who did those cr-ppy awesaome carttomns on it
its got heath lrdger and johnny depp this was heath's last film so i assume its gonna be good
like brandon lee in the crow or orson welles in transformers the movie
i used to call this film "the sodomarium of dr d-ck a55es"
it starts in soviet england and this building transforms into a carnival like thing
a guy on it claiming to be mercury of the gods shows a cr--ppy shiow about dr[arnassus
then some modern day people come in drunk and cause a ruckus
i thought this was the 1800s
drunk throws off the guys and trys to b0ne the gurl but she escapes into this cr-ppy area behhind the area
she beats him up, he falls in sh-t and gets caught by tentacle monsters in this weeird cgi nightmare land
is this how they'd do live action la blue girl with the shkima realm?
he finds a pyramid and huge steps and a guy tells him of a great glory with dr parnassus
but he goes to get a drink, the bar blows and the geezer on the show sez someone won and he lost
the cops come and want him gone and shut him down
later at their show a kid goes in the mirror land and takes out a big cgi balloon
but the freaks drop him back with a magic trick
also i think mercury is gay for the chick in tthis shpw
later geezer sez someones come to collect and the midghet comforts him
also chick wants to escape her life of living with freanks
chick smokes and sez shes gonna be 12
then really 16
both ways is too young to b0ne
and is the same as being 6
she complains about being forced to fake being 12 to geezer
geezeer tells a story about his past centuries ago as hes like 1000 like |Saiilor Mini Moon
in his monk cave with other monks, this guy came in and sealed the other monk's mouths
i think hes the bad guy
a bird poops on bad guy and geezer takes it as a sign
so geezer did something i missed as i was getting my spaghetti and got eternal life but it kinda s-xked
then in the now, the freaks see a guy hanging from a bridge and get him out
they cpr him alive and stuff him in a box and later he wakes up and metts the midget
he dont recall who he is and his cell phone goes off and speaks soviet russuian
they bust his phone and geezer recognizes him as having been sent as he has the tarot card of the hanged man
they give him a long nose mask like a tengu and put him in the show
but geezer is drunk and f's it up
so tengu saves the show by selling cr-p
so later geezer is hung over and bad guy comes back and bets him 1st to get to 5 souls gets the win
and hes got 2 days
later geezer puts a cap and wires on tengu and does a reading to find hias name is tony sheppard
like chris sheppard from student bodies?
then tengu tony wants this music thing from the mercury guy as he sez its his
but mercury keeps dopoing slight of hand to f witgh him
midhget tells geezer chick and mercury have love and hes not pleased
later they do another night show and mercury nearly kidnapps a girl
they gotta book it and use fireworks at the ground to escape
also they crash their cr-pmobile show thing
wasnt this like some weird cgi phantasy thing?
thats what the trailors and adds lead me to believe
but we're over an hour in with adds and only got 1 shot of that
so then we get some flashbacks on geezers issues dealing with bad guy or something
later tony tengu i think nearly smooches da chick but geezer comes in
tony offers suggestions to improve the show for geezer and they do it
it looks and seems kinda clockwork orange
at the show this chick wants to adopt the midget in blackface thinking its a kid
then the adopter goes intio this cgi land like a weird ps2 game and tengu goes in to save her
i think hes played by a different guy in now as they take off his maask and he looks weird
btw its weird seeing cgi with ciolor
i mean its not bold and vivid like dragion's lair but its still miles beyond harry potter and its dead chaercoal pallet
h takes her to a desert and offeres her a choice to go 1 of 2 wasys
1 is a gondala with photos of dead celebs who are "immortal" as people remember em
he starts takes her items and bad guy's face on a big cgi cobra body comes outta the black ooze
she goes on the gondora and tony is ejected from the mirror world
then she comes out on a swing and hives them a blank check
so bad guy is watching and so are soviets who see tony and chase him into da mirror
they speak english in the mirror woeld and chase tony up a ladder
tony sees newspapers of him ssaving the world like bill anmd ted and he breaks the ladder to stoop the sioviets
he walks on it like stilts and trips on a branch, only to land on mercury crossdressing
the soviets get him but hes played by another actor
they say he stole their money and they'll ice him and get a noose
but cross dresser trys to save him but gets his a55 kicked
they start stringing tony tengu up bit a show of brit cops comes in wanting to use their violence for good
but brit cops are candy a55es who cant even have guns
they go to a soviet mom and she blows into fire and i think is a robot like in men in black 1
so tony chex ion mercury but he dont recognize him
tony tells him he accepted a lone and laundered dirty cash through his charity as he needed cash
also during the chase, the sky went black and area endarkened
crossdresser mercury wont tell him how to get to the ladders and leaves through a curtain wall
so bad guy shows up and sez 4 soviets who bit it make em even as they each nead 1 more soul
geezer tells chick he made a devil bargin and his woman bit it giving birth to the 16 year old chick
he let geezer be immortal but any kids he makes would be bad guys at age 16
thats old enough to b0ne in soviet canada
also; why not just pray?
I mean if the devil is real, then so is God.
also theres a new bet and if they get 1 more soul they win so they need to do a show
chick runs away and tony ewants to be the 5th soul
she returns and mercury fights tony over a newspaoer he found about to9ny and tony throws him away and chick goes to the mirror
theyu escape into mirrorland and its a colorful cgi land like a modern sonic game and thry make out til its night
they find a kid by the land and see tonys past as a father or maybe that kid is his gf as celebs like kids often
i think hes played by another actor
they meet da president and i think its FDR
a midget sez he was arrested for selling organs of 3rd world kids to wealthy 1st worlders
tony beats him up and everyone sees so he books it
then the building starts cracking apart and its sorta like distortion world in pokemon platinum
mercury was the midget here i think (not the same midget from b4) and falls off a cliff saying he loves the chick
geezer tells tiony he gives them the oppertunity but its tony fault he f'd it up
tony throwws him down and chick runs in a black void with glass shards
she finds bad guy and sez she deserves h-ll
bad guy dances with her in a glass shard kalidoscope and after she runs he sez hes won
so bad guy gives geezer a chance to get back his girl if her gets some info on occult markings
tony gets to da top of the steps and geezer takes his music thing and f's with it
then hangs himseklf after swallowing it so he wont die
tony cprs him back and gets the item (a pipe)
the guys chasing him string him up and he bites it
then geezer talks to bad guy and bad guy dont know where chick is
years later geezer is roaming the wastelands and looking for her
then hes in the city as a hobo and sees a chick with bells on her leg like his girl
he follows her to a restaurant where shes married with a kid
the midget is there and tells bhim not to see her as he'd freak out the grandkid
also geezer is dr parnassus
later he does a puttet show and bad guy is there
the end
that was kinda good
a bit weird
and the trailers mostly showed parts that were hardly in the film
its got good acting and good twists and good music
it feels like it should be an 1800s set film but its modern
the cgi is not realistic but looks good and the film has good meaning even if i don't fully grasp it
its well made and as heath legder bit it, they had to have like 5 other guys play tony
i think it worked and this film was pretty good
fpr the imaginarium of doctor parnassus 2 i want the daughter to find the geezer and tell her that her daughter is having some kind of supernatural things. turns out, its remnants of the pact of the bad guy from the 1st movie. to save her, the daughter and the geezer need to go to several temples and put on a show to appease the daemons there to get the magic jewels they guard. also its an 8 bit game on nes, master system, tg16 and atari 7800 where it plays like the pokemon contests in pokemon emerald, platinum or white2.

Saturday, July 27, 2019

Hyena Road Review

note; im still getting used to this comp. but im yyryong to spell better
hyena road
tgis is my review opn hyena road
its from the soviet republic of canada and is about soldiers or something
i never saw this b4 but it was either this or passchendaele which i already did
its giving on canadas state broadcaster the cbc which is a commie channel
so after a narrator gives backgorund on the 3rd world country they are in, we get credits
theres a road the soldiers go on
then some soldiers see a guy putting something by a road and report it
they take him out j fk style (a gov ordered sniper)
then ssend in a team to check it out
my bets are he's innocent and the army iced him for no reason
thats how these movies go
its like making the soviets look evolved and america look evil in da cold war
they sniper a few bodies and 1 blows in a massive burst
then natives attack
they flee but the road is rigged so they gotta go another way
they are outmanned and outgunned
if they had mustard gas they could take em all out in one item
the kaiser would use it
mussolini used it
but the U N only cares about the bad guys so good guys can't use it now
they escape into a village and meet a geezer who helps em by throwing back a grenade
they report on radio intercom and describe geezer who has 2 different colored eyes like yubel in yugioh gx or dartz in yugioh
they go in geezers place and his daughter/syiters/wifes/neices or w/e come in
the natives blow open the wall and geezer goes out then comes back and its safe
they go back and return to their base the narrator describes as dumping a lot of cr-p into a lake where it gets in the air and they breathe their own waste
makes sense
now explain the smells of the wrest of the world
later this moustache army guy meets a guy he needs to help build the road
a chick describes the road guy as caligula
so he's in a p0rn0e played by malcom mcdowel?
narrator sez alexander the great tries to conquer this country years ago but it was long and hard to do
alexander delarge?!
more malcome mcdowel p0rn0e!!
so alex sent dirt to his mom and she spread it around and when she told 2 slaves to clean it up they went mental and killed eachother
sounds like the place is cursed
we need a lot of priests to bless it
its like violence jack's presence driving people to lust for blood
later this army guy talks to a soldier about cr-p like family and gf's
thats the end of them
also they talk about the geezer who helped em
at night a human male and human female soldier chat and i think they are a couple
but they slipt
the next day they go to find the geezer to learn more about him
but the village isnt there and the geezer there dont' know odd eyes geezer
but most peole like him live in the base
wait, i think its the city
army guy chats with a guy about it and this guy sez there may be an attack by natives
later they hear some army guys got captured by natives and 1 guy freaks out
aparently they do awful thing to living people
i assume its something awful like pulling the skin off their b0ners
something disturbing or uncivilized like that
maybe they bite the skin off?
you\d have too be pretty f'd up to do somethign liek that to a human
so this squad goes out on a mission and are lout all night
then they dance to the song "play that funky music white boy"
then they go to da city and its kinda cr-ppy
1 guy sez they know an inside guy who sleeps in a different place each night and cant be seen with them and is on the run for 2 years
they meet da guy and its odd eyes
they mention a warrior who fought the soviets and is now back
hes called the lion and odd syes sez he dont know but might be lying
main army guy sez oodd eyes is the lion
and lion survived a lot of soviet attacks getting blown apart and revived
is he rasputin?
rasputin survived being killed a lot by sorviets
although recent reports say it was the brits who did it
so army guy gives lions backstory
when the soviets left, lion retired to avoid the civil war
thern the cionvoy blows and they gotta book it
they execute the car rather than let the natives get it
they'd b0ne it dead!!
they escape through da streets but heres enemy fire
this just turned into call of duty 1-500
they eventually get picked up in a dtruck by a friendly native and escape
later the human male and human female talk AND male sez he loves female
well thats the end of him!!
main aarmy guy does research on stuff
a chick gets can ultra dsound but i wasnt paying much attention so i;m not sure if shes pregnant or has gut issues
then this guy cams his gf
later its revealed lion (also called ghost) is back for family honor
huh, this is directed by paul gross
so a squad goes oout at the part the movie started at and these guys working with them are double agents for the natives
and they have captured little girls
this just got woody allen
but due to regulations, as the bad guys dont have weapons, they cant attack
as no one can harm anyone unarmed
thats why no one is ever beat dead in prisons where weapons are banned
one soldier is disgruntled by having to let those little girls be sold to degenerates
so due to their culture, and honor rules, if you bring dishonor then you gotta leave forever
because the double agent butt b0ned a soviet years ago and lion outed him, only lion can take out double agent
thats f'd
and no i didnt make that up
this is like a bad prison movie
later, human female shows the ultra sound of her kid with humabn male and they are happy
they b0ned on leave and it should be ok as there is no office romance allowed in the millirtary
until president hussein ended dont ask dont tewll and now everyones b0ning everyone w/o consent
so another offscreen attack took out civilians and they need to stop that to finish hyena road
in m d geist, vaiya is called a hyena and ws in a mad max wasteland like this
also main army guy sez ghost/lion is back and can be an ally
so later main army guy meets some dude and asks about the captured kids
dude wants to help to take down double agent
later human male and human female b0ne and wanna marry
btw human male is the other main guy who translates everything for main guy
so later they go on a mission and listen to 2 guys talking including dude and double agent
i think dude might be odd eye
dude gives double agent cash and wants the girls back
but double sez his son is missing
so dude pulls out son's head from under his coat
double pulls a gun and main army guy wants them to spare double
bit as double has a gun, they dont need persmission and they empty his head
btw doubkle just stood there for like 45 seconds with his gun at dude and did nothing
main guy complains about how dude (who it turns out is odd eye) wanted an honorable end and thats gone now
odd eye takes off 1 soldiers face and natives attack
it shows his faceless head with a bloddeed hole
they drag faceless out and book it and we see the gunfights blowing off parts of guys
wait, i think odd eye is helping em
oop, hes dead
oh and 1 guy steps on a trap card and his legs get blown off
they hide in a home and worry about being caught and skinned
i guess my b9ner joke is canon
human male wants to suicide attacvk to take out all the natives but human fenale dont want it
he tells odd eyes hes gonna be a father
bit, he IS a father
the baby is alive in his woman
its not like it only exists onvce the mom poops it out
unless they saved j-zz from his corpse and made the baby in a lab
then he'd be a father after biting it
so the army launches aan attack and blows the area with long range cannons
btw i think he's played by paul gross
he b0ned a chick and bit it on enemy turf
just like in passchendaele
oh and the army saves the kid slaves b4 they get b0ned
main army guy looks kinda like the bad guy in the 2010s wonder woman www1 movie but might be related to kiefer sutherland
he sounds like him
jack boston from 2004
then theres a ceremony with the human male and they load his body in a plane
kinda like passchendaele
and his woman is there
just like passchendaele
main army guy sez alenxander the great fought for 3 years in that country
he got drunk and killed his movmie with a spear
then went nuts and bit it 5 years later
i already reviewed that movie
the end
that was pretty well made
yeah it takes things from other films
but its not awful
its got some good parts
the acting is ok
good effects
good gore
decebnt story
i didnt hate it
that gross guy did another ok war film
didnt expect a few twists in here
i mean mel gibson would probably do it better but this is ok for soviret canada
showing unfair war thgings and hoew people try to get through
i never wanna fight in war, but i respect those who defended us
for hyena road 2 i want the main guy from the 1st one to have been helping the pregnant chick with her kid and sees how his dad would've loved him. so he has enough with army regulations and goes rogue. he gets a suit of kevlar and makes illegal weapons to take on the natives any way he can and begins wasting em like a ninja. also its an 8 bit nes, sega master system, tg16 and atari 7800 game where you play as him and its like the nes batman or ninja gaiden and some of the natives are daemon powered and turn into abominatuons.