Friday, December 25, 2020

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians Review

 Note; i spell the way this movie is; so bad its good

snata claus conquers the martians

this is my review on santa claus conquers the martians from the distant future year of 1964

its the 1st film showing of mrs claus according to wikipediao and is seen as one of the worst films ever made

its directed by nicholas webster and stars no one ive heard of

i saw this b4 and yeah its cheee but its fun

so after title and credits to a cheerful song, we gget martian kids watchhing a news thing onan interview witrh santa at da nortyh pole

its -91 below zero which might as well be in space at that point

after mrs claus is on for a min, santa shows his elf  named winky cuz hes a b0ner, making martian toys

bttw this is full screen and in color

soo later the martian comes home and uses a ticckle ray on his slave or w//ee for sleeping

he was sleeping as he forgot howw and was practicing

his kids were watching eart shows and hhe  hates it and sends em to bed with sleep spray

What iss this? Rocket Revengers wirh Sleep Water and the Super Gernan?!

also 1 kid is named bomar

so kids all over da mars are disgruntled and they gget advice from an 800 year old guy

are this mars years?

cuz thats like 1500 earth years

hee  somehow knows abiut xmas and sez the kkids never played or learned to havve fun so tthey rebelll

So they're asian??

alssoo they need a santa for mars and the mars guys wanna jack da urth santa

but voldar, not goldar from power rangers, wants to not as the  kids would get annoying

so they go to earth pretty fast and the news picks it up and reports it wiithout the gov blockingg it

da  earth sends rokket synchron in attack mode after it but they do jjack sh-t

so da martians come down to earth andfind some kids annd neeed hep fiinding out wguich santa is the real one as theres all these mall santas

they capture the kids so the kids dont squeal and da news picks this story up prettuy quick

in the ship tthe slaave  from b4 shows em what the controls do

the dad comes up and rides his a55 and the kids hide in the coontrol box

at da northe pole the kids escape and the mars guysccome out voldar bickers with dad and reveals the kids got oot

1 space guy goes after em and the kids come across a really cr-ppy bear costume

at least we dong see it b0ning like wearwold sasquatch dracule with that keanu movie

after he's doone they see a big a55 robot that catches em and is by ther voldar

voldar wants em crushed and dad had robot done so it wont work for voldar

dad has the kids taken back and voldar is p-ssed that they aint a war people like they used to be

ust like with japan being bada55 in the 40s but candya66 today

so they go ino santas shop with  the robot and santa is impressed by how well its made

so the mars bboys come in and use a freeze gun to stun the elves and santa thinks they iced his men

btw it froze em with their eyes open so they'll go blinde by the time it wears off

they also stun mrs claus

so the robot has become a toy somehow and they just leave

so the news reports that santa was abducted by martians like its the weekly world news and the earth plans to use a rocket

this was made before the ALLEGED moon landing so for its time, it was ipressive to the 50s kids

like 2001 a space odyssey

only this actally has sh-t happening!!

so santa is having a positive effect on the entraedi and voldar dont like it

wow, robotech ripped this ooff too!!

also tommy wiseau makes us feel positive too

the kids are bummed as  they lead the space monkeys to santa and santa  comforts em

slave  brings em food and santa  sezz he makes him laff

the food is jjust pills like star trek in that em where they had to make the aliens feel human with human vices

so voldar is p-ssed again and  wants to ice the kids and acts nice to get em on a grand tour of the ship

step in 2 da grand tour!

shows pan and bra as 90s homie bimbos

so voldar takes em to da air lock and back door billy the kid  kknows about how it works

but voldar traps em in there and the kkids know he''s trying to waste em

santa is positive and trys to see the good in hhim but volday sets it to suck em into space to blow apart into chef boy ar dee guts

dad comes in and finds voldar sent the kids and santa to h e double soviet england and they fight badly

but after voldar gets his a55 whipped, santa comes in and sez its all ust an accident and he  and the kids escaped in an air duct

ike those things the gaijin from india  call you to  sell cleaning for

so they make it to soviet mars and want voldar  to stand trial

but slave was caught and tied up by voldar who gotta wayy

santa and the kids come over and see the mars kids who are bummed and they all laugh

mwanwhile, voldar wants to whack santa like khyron wanted to bust the SDF 1

also santa started a toy thing to make toys for the mars kids

but santa thinks just pushing a button to make toys cheapens it

also the kkids from urt are devolving itno mars style soul less kids

and slave  is told to fatten up to fit in the santa suit so he eats pills

the  he does  clothes stuffing to look fatter and puts on a beard and the suit

as slave goes down to make toys with out request, vaoldor and his goons f with the machine and hide

they catch slav in a santa suit and bring him back to their lair and  later the good guys think slave went out in his suit to have fun

bbtw, according to imdb, thhuis fil predicted the US Space Force

President Trump made this film canon!

so Santa makes the toy machine go and all the towys are f'd together like heads swapped or a base ball tennis racket

meannewhile, the bad guys leave and set up a dinintigration field so iff slave leaves he'd be dusted

so the good guys figger out the bad guys stole slave and voldar sez he's got santa and his demands are for them to stop trying to make mars for american and send santa back

then they see santa and dad hholds em at blaster point and sez santa has powers and tells his men to do sh-t

he traps em in a closet and in the cave, slave changes lightbulbs to try to stop the nucular (its sauid lie that)  curtain

he then escapes and in da base, voldar and his minion beat up dad and say they'e gonna bash the machine and stop santa

but back door billy hears em and outs em to santa

santa; so we meet again eh?

me; santa's canadian?! i thought hee was polish or german or w/e

so voldar confronts santa and santa unleashes his toys that spazz out and fire bubbles like milons secret castle and the kids bap him with whiffle bats

its a cluster f--k of random sh-t and i love it

minion sees slave show up and is gonna ice him but sdad comes to and stops him

so voldar is beaten by toys like in roboptech how the zentraedi were beat by music

later, santa and the kkids are gonna go home and slave is the new mars santa and  santa is nice and cheerful and heartwarming

then we see the space ship going off and stars and the song horray for santy claus as the earth comes ip

then the words to the song come up on screen after the credits

the end

that was sooo bad its fun

its entertaining, silly, offbeat and weird

its not normal but then again, burger meister meister burger and a camel calls quarter past 5 aint either

its a jolly time and if you dont mind it being random and zany, its  a good  watch

its only like 80 mins and has goood flow so it dont drag or feel long

i liked it and its a positive time thats only in the 60s when we got weird a55 Christmas things

For Santa Claus Conquers The Martians 2 i want voldor to escape and start an underground uprising for the people of mars to try to reclaim their old ways to putrge the cheer and joy or mas. But The new Santa has attained Xmas Powers from being the Mars Santa and has to take em on by going in their cave bases and space areas and cyber tech stuff and using his Xmas glitter blasts on em to turn em happy. Its also a 16 bit Sega Genesis, Snes, Gba, Tg16 and Atari Jaguar game where you play as  him and go around this area and cheer up all the bad martians who use lazer blasts on you and you gotta heal in pods around the area.

Tuesday, December 22, 2020

9 To 5 Review

 Note; i woek bad at spellin

9 to 5

this is my review on 9 to 5 from 1980

it stars dolly parton, jane fonda and liily tomlin and was directed by colin higgins who inspired losers like jud apatow and paul feig

apartently this was a popular fuilm and eventouhgth i never saw it b4 heard it was good

its pg in america and soviet australia and 15+ in soviet sweden and england and iceland

buncha candya66es

Even the honorable american hero President Reagan liked it, eccept for the chronic scene

so it starts with the dolly parton song to credits and showing chicks getting ready for woork

so lily has totrain this new recriut who never worked b4so after a few hints, lily takes her up and gets atalking to from a superior over being sloopy

lily warns new girl that superior is the boss's spy and whines about someone getting a promotion over her despite her having 12 years exp

yeah but theres more to getting a promotion than being there long

a gguy could have more natural skill

otherwise the oldest guy on the football team would be the star player

so boss gives a soeech about teamwork and when he asks lily to help him get a present for his wife but she whines about it

so then dolly comes in and is a cheerful confederate chick who was just helping boss gas his car's a55

so jane s-cked at work and at lunch, the other co workers gossip about dolly b0ning the boss

jane dont like it as her husband ditched her after cheeting on her with the secritory

btw everyone has dana sterling hair like in robotech

so boss has dolly take a letter and he knox over pencils so he can look down her dress as she pix em up

then sez sorry about hitting on her b4 and she's forgiving

he gets her a gift and admits he's gay for her but she dont consent as both are married

then his wife comes in and she gets along with dolly and dont know her husband is gay for her

so wife wants to go on a 4 weel cruise and he dont wanna

dolly walkx out with the scarf gift and lily and jane recognize it as the one they got

later janeis showed how to use the cop machine by liluy and it spazzes out when jane trys it on her own

boss comes in and gets p-ssed at her for f ing the machine andshe gets bummed

she coems to work the net day with a shotgun andstarts blowing holes in everyone


really she comes home and her husband is there to give her divorce papers

so its work da next day and dolly trys being nice to jane bbut she dont like dolly

at night she tellls her husband shes nice but  gets treated bad at work and he comforrts her

so then its work and lilly sez to boss  she gave him a color coding thing that could make thinggs 20% more efficient but boss didnt see itr yet

then we see boss gave the color coding thing to the chairman of the board and took credit

she b--ches to er son aat home about it and how she didnt say anything as she wants the  promotion

her son offers her chronic as i guess hesa junkie

then its anotther day and another guy got tthe oromotion

boss explains he  had a college degree and clients are more comfy with men

she gets b--chy and goes on a tirade and when dolly comes in, lily sez the whole companny things he'ss b0ning her

dolly gets p-ssed over  him spreading lies about her and sez shes gonna use her 2nd ammentment item to blow off hhis  huge man parts

then spy  reveals sheheard an employee talking about stufff against company protocal and boss is still p-ssed s he has her canned

later the 3 leads are in a banand bummed over boss annd lily pulls out a chronic cigarete

they go to dollys house  (the dioll house) and smoke chronic and dolly pulls out her gun

once dolly had 2 guys  bugging her homie in a  parking lot  and shhe was gonna  pull a gun on em, but blew a hole in her purse

this is how thelma and lousie started

whileon drugs they fantasize aboit getting the office to hunt downn boss like the mmost dangerous game where that gguy  hunted man

in the phantasy, jane pulls a shot gun on him and busts up the offfice taking shots at him

is tthis where scrooged got it ffrom?

huh, in this bblue hint, jane fonda looks kinda like molly ringwald

so she  wacks  him andd puts his head on a wall

drugs make people do evil

dollys phantazy has her as a cowboy chick wo treats him like she treats him

in heere she compliments his bod and hits on him and squishes his  face in her b00bs

oh noes! someone finds me hot! thats triggering!!

after hee turns gay annd rejeects dolly patton, she hogties him

lily has a phantasy aas her beiing aa disney prrincess with animated animals

etf that raccoon has a  bow and arrow and clothes and the rest are nude

is this bambi or robin hood?

so she poisons his coffee and steamm poots outta hhis ears andhis hhead spins

then fires  him out  da wwindow andthe sllave womenn are freed

how 30s

wtf the castlee  flies  in the clouds

this is ddrugs

so da next day and many brain cells devolved later, boss's wifevis on a 2 month cruisse

lily b--ches about having to get coffee and how shees gonna snap

but accidentally puts rat poison in the coffee and when he trys to drin it, he falls over in his cr-ppy chair

dolly finds him and helps him in the ambulance too the hospital

lilly comes back from bein out and hears it but only when she sees the rat poison on the counter doe sshe figger  it out

an employee sez he fell and busted his head when drinking coffee and as the cups empty, she thinks he drank it

at da hospitalhe comes too and thinks the dris gonna swindle him with unneeded tests

meanwhile a guy whos gonna testify has heart sh-t and a cop is there

lilly and jane come by and hear cop saying the guy bit it from poison

the chix talk about their pot thing and how lily's gonna do hard time

dont drop the soap!!

so a dr gonna do the autopsy is taking the body out and is called in and lily jacks the body

she jacks a coat andgoes around the hospital and a chick asks for help findign the coffe shop

adter getting through that, lily dumps the body in her car and the chhicks and her book it

she wants to ditch the body with cement bblox in the river and drives bad

jane wants to go back bbut dolly sez they in too deep

then they crash and f up da car and dolly ggets a crowvbar fro, the trunk with the body in it

but they see its the wrong body and lily wants to take it back

they bicker, fix da car and go back but a cop stops em for a busted tail light

she fakes being a dr and says the dolly ate rat poison and thought it was the sweetener the boss likes

so they go back and say boss has no word there

dolly has  thee body put in a toilet room with a cloth over it andthe nurses think its just another corpse that turned up

so da nest day they find out boss just bumped his hhead

they chat about it in da ladys room but spy heard it and outs em to the boss

he calls dolly in and tells her she knows of the poison

she sez it was an accident and he sez hhe'd let it go if sh b0nes him

she ggets p-ssed at him and ties him up with a phone chord and stuffs his mmouth with the scarf he bought hher

dolly tells jane boss knows of it and jane coems in and won untie him

she loosens his bindings and when he gets out and when he trys  to get out, jane pulls dollys gun and blows the window to the office out

these chicks are nutss

so they take him captive andbring him to a house and try to find a way too cover their crimes

1 suggests a photo of him in bed with a h00ker  but he's sell it as xmas cards

why not a male h00ker? that would stop him!

later lily finds an account at a warehouse and they go there and lilly sez she has what she needs

turns out he stole from the company and sold stuff and pocketed the money

so they go out shopping for stuff to keep him confined and get him into some kinda sm thing and set up a system to keep him there

at work thheykeep passing the buck to avoid lettting anyone talk to him

2nd spy is getting close to find him and boss trys to mythbuster his way out of the chains

he trys to nail her in the head with a piece of wood but she sees him comming in a mirror and uses a garage door opener to yank him up

later they hear due to computers, they need 4-6 weeks b4 they can get the warehouse things

they send spy to learn french at amission said to be from boss andshe goes off

at da office dolly lets  employees do stuff they couldnt do b4 lik have decoraions at their desksand raise saleries

not sure the company can do that

might cut into their ability to fund the companu effots

boss finds a nail file and lock pciks his stuff but theres a guy who looks liem chris meloni and ned eisenberg from law and order svu had a kid lurkin aorund

later janes husbandcomes bby and says his new woman diteched him

meanwhile bboss cuts through the leather cuffs and trys to gget free but janestrings him up

they fight and husband comes up and thinks shes into creepy sm and that she's into her boss

he trys to reason with her and she gets b--chy and reveals she smoked chronic and he sez he was gonna take her back

she tells him to get oot and thats the end of what could have been a healed marriage

so the warehouse papers are comming soon and  boss wife comes home and sees him in that sm hear

wife calls dolly and sez thnx for the flowers and that boss sed hes doing a new exercize thing at the hosue

so girls relaize boss is free for days and faking being improisined and when they get there, boss has janeat gunpoint

they go to the oriface and he sees things have color andllook more 80s

also theres flexible hours andthings are working right even thoguh they forged his name on things

so over da last 3 days he returned the items back to the warehosue and hes gonna send em to h e double jail

but the chairman comes by and looks like col sandders and thnx the boss for making things run better

he sez lily is his right arm and she sez they are doing job sharing

and a daycare center tat cahinman wanted to do is the war

i assume the civil war

also an AA program helped get this drunk off her booze

so chairman gives boss a new work, the brazil thing for 3 years

so spy comes back and we see what hapoened to em after

lily got to be vice prez, jane fell in love and dolly became a country singer

boss got caught by an amazon tribe and wasnt seen again

the end

that was pretty good

nice 80s fun

mostly light and mildand not too brash

not too feminist but for the 80s it was seen as that

i can see why people liked it

i like how dolly plays a curvy blne whos a wholesome woman and not a 5kank

nowadays there's be more swearing and b0ning and crude stuff

like bridesmaids which s-cked a55

but this was a nice film and has an upbeat tone

glad i saw it

for 9 to 5 2 i want it to be about the boss from the 2st film in the jungle and helping to lead the amazon tribe against a rival tribe of ape people over an ancient temple that was there b4 noahs flood and has black majic items in i that must not be used. its also a 16 bit strategy rpg on sega genesis, snes, tg16, atari jaguar and gba where you moe our units around the area and battle with different items and moves.

Saturday, December 19, 2020

Big Miracle Review

 note; i spell big bad

mig mirracle

this is my review on big miracle form the distant future year of 2012 (The year the SDF 1 fought Dolza's continent sized space foertress in robotech)

it stars drew berrymore, john krasinski, kristin bell, steven root, and has archive footage o sarah pailin

its directed by ken kwapis whpp did dustin checks in tand the sisterhood of the rraveling pasnts 1

i never saw this but its based on a book i never read based on a true storey

so it strts with narrartion from a chick saying her people lived at da edgge of da workd

then we see some mexicans up north hunting a whale

so its soviet alaska in 1988, the year of viiolence jack evil town and transfroers super god master force was made

jim from the office is a reporter doing a thing on a mexican resuatant in alaska as he does a news thing on alaska

then in a bar with the people and sayying he likes being with em as they were nice to him and he's going thrusday

1  kid wants him to go snowmobiling and wait, its filming a guy snowmobilin

but then he sees something in the ice in the distance

idea for a north pole animation (maybe like an intro to a transition to a new scene in a show) a polar bear is on the ice and goes near a hole. then a hundred foot squid reaches out. the bear runs but the squid climbs on land and is colossal and eats it whole.

also theres talk of oil drilling rights for the area and j w gets it

then eco commie drew berrymore comes in with a megaphone and yells that green peace bid on it and whines about the envoronment b4 being taken out back

beat the black off that hippie!

meanwhile, in the frozen wastelands, jim sees whales comming up a hole i  the ices a55 to breath

so later jim calls the people in the south and sez 3 whales are stucck in the ice and he wants to do a sotry on iit

his boss agrees and he sattilites the stuff down

later drew sees the news thing on the whales and calls him and whines that he  disdnt call her

its revealed she was his ex gf and he sez the natives wanna eat em but she wants to stop them

what next? stopping the native actors in cannibal holocost from eating monkeys?!

so drew wants to send the national guard to save the whales with an ice breaker ship

the politiccial dont wanna rick uman lives for soome phalllic monsters

in america during the honorable reagan years, the news starion needs a minute to full and they wanna use the whales

so jim has this native kid who is the comic  relief of this film and jim and kid like this blonde news chick

then they see the whale thing jim shot on tv and word spreads as drew b-ches abut saving those sea monsters at greenpeace

a chick calls drew and sez an oil company has a ice breaker that  can help butthey need da national guard to send a chopper

this chick is j w's wife (j w is ted danson from cheers or w/e)

ted finds out and whines about drew and his wooman sez he'd get good press if he saved da whales so he changes his tooon

why not jjust blast hole in da ice with yo ki?

works in dbz

so  jjim or maybe another guy reports that its 5  miles to the sea and wgales can't  last that long w/o air

in reagans ameerica, blonde dont like her coworkers thinking the whalle  story doont count

sp j w gets a bada55 to gget tthe ice breaker andd thinks its cr-p

so later drew goes up to the frozen north annd gives jjim aa present she didnt get to give him b4 he dumped her

so later, im gets kid some 80s music tapes and they havve a meeting where drew bashes the natives for wanting to eat whallee

spoiler; other whales eat whales

imagine if an india guy went to texas annd b--ched about eating steer?

so the native guy makes good points about wanting to feed his famm annd teaching his  kids the traditional ways

like my dad making slovenian blood sausage like his dad did

so the native leader decides to free the walles

later the leadeer goes to da whale hole and chainsaws  the ice openn mote

so jim meets blonde and hes a fan but  he orders a big food for hher

shes trying to stay thin even though guys like curvy chicks with big heavy butts and he sez  she needs 10 000 calories  a day to survive the artic cold

sso later blonde wannts a ride to da whhales and drew dont  like it cuz a superior chick is too much fior her

so they go to da ice hole  annd the wales are fred wilma and bamm bamm

bam bbam is kinda f'd and no one goes down as theese big a55 whales can bust orca if they feel threatened

just do the spock thing to calm them

also a big load of  ice is comming undar eater to f em

also g h w bush is rrunning for presidenttannd the news is  f ing things

so blonde is getting fd by the ice and drew is gonna go under the ice water to help the beluga fish

the whale whips out its 7 foot d0ng and b0nes her dead


really she cutz a net from the whales tail

look at that boundless abyss they are in, the black sea goes on forever

its beautiful but scary

later 1 native has the kid lesten to the ice and they hear the whale songs

im pretty sure that dont work

then j w comes by and whale splashes him and he laffs

so drew sez the future is f'd if we dont care for the enviroment and jim cutz the recordin and asks her to lighten up and talk about the sea monkeys

so later j w's woman calls the army guy to meet the Prez but he dont wanna and she calls backa ndtrys again

so later bam bam mmigh have ammonia and president rreagan does stuff

so later jim plays scrabble withh drew and kid gives drew a guns n roses tape and sez axl rose sings like a whale and to play it for the whales

2 guys rom the twin citeis offer drew deicers to keep da whale hole open but she dont care

so its like -0 out there and the ice is freezing over and drew gets the twin cities gguys de icers

so meanwhile jim is with drunk blonde and drew calls asking for a generator

so meanwhile, the chippers are in like 70 below 0 (SUB ZERO WINS) and they start f ing out as 1 guys eye freezes closed

so they save the whales with the heaters and generators and blonde reporter gets good reviews for her work

and jim gets an offer for working

later, the ice breaker felll in ann ice thing and the choppers crashed and it won't make itt in time

so people cut more ice holes andd the soviets might help with an ice breaker as they live in a frozen wasteland but reaGAN IS WARY OF TTRUSTINGG THEM

so da whales dont wanna leave until their kid is better

soo the maiin guys havve a meeting aboot what to doo and drew sez shhes gonna blamme Reagan on wwhalles biting it to ruin G H W Bush's election

even though the soviets are big a55 whalers

just like commies, supporting the bad guys and bashin the good guys for doing far less bad things

So Reagan gets Gorby on da phonoe and they get the ssoviet ice breaker on the road

So then bam bamm bites it annd the moie has its sad moment where it trys to makkee us cry  75% through it

jim goes tto drew who's spazzing out and coomforts her

so ted danzon has a peace moment with drew  and eventually the ice breaker soovviet one comes

so they bust da ice and da wwhalles go but the  playces they head have holes cutr by people that froze over by now

so da sovviet boatviot plows through more ice and to the open sea and da whales get oout annd aplash around

so ythe people go back home and we see what happened to em after

things went well for most and they got green peace membership up cu of 3 whaales getting aids or w.e

main guy turned downn big roles and stayed in anchorage (whereever that is) annd kid and grandpa demetto stayed in their frozen hh-ll up north and live there now

the end

that wwas pretty good

wait, then in credits we see footage from the real thing

but i liked this

its mostly cllean with a few monir swears that is around Simpsons level

good effets and acting and i shows the oil guys as not evil

iit tells a story well and i likes films based on real things

its a decent film that;s worrth a watch and isnt too rough

for Big Moracle 2 i want it to be the 90s and theres a weird thing seen under the ice near the village. turns out, its a super collossal squid thats over 100 feet long and its eatib whales. also when it senses the ki of anything near the surface it busts through and eats em. usually polar bears but some times people. also the gov is after it and is gonna use it against the soviets who are still around. Its also a 16 bit sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar tg16 and gba game where you play as the squid and go through underwater  levels lie ecco the dolphin and fight sea daemons.

Wednesday, December 16, 2020

Birdman Or The Unexpected Virtue Of Ignorance Review

 Note: I spell bird

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

this is my review on Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) from the datant future year of 2014 (the year the SDF-1 got busted in Robotech)

its directed by the mexicano who did the revenent with leonard decr-phole and stars michael keaton, zach galifinakis, ed norton, naomi watts and enema stone

i saw this b4 with my rents and they diidnt get it

it was nominated for best picture oscar but michael keaton lost to that britmo who wwas that ccripple  nerd

i mean best actor

oh, it did get best picture

i like keaton but just now found out he was against america in the 16 and 20 elections and likes peta

despie this, he's still a good actor in all thosse weird a55 tim burton movies

once my dad asked who wwas bbatman in the 80s and i said keatron

he replied, buster keaton

i'm like; 1980s, not 1880s

although buster walked off a broken neck, did his own stunts and wiggled outta a straight jacket in the sanitorium

good f--k he is batman!!

we just need lilian gish as vicky vale and lon chaney as the penguin and we can to a silent batman film!

so after text and a title we see batman in briefs floating like dhalsim in street fighter and his inner batman voice sayin he deserves better

then he goes down and does a play scene annd a thing falls from the ceilin and busts a dudes head

bayman walks off b--cching about head guy being a cr-ppy actor and how he made the thing fall

they need a new actor but all the good ones are in super hero cr-p

batman goesto his dressing room and his inner batman tells him he's better than the iron man guy and gave uop the hero cr-p and was good

then wwe get a flashbak i think of how batman gave up being a hih rank heero actor in birdman to do a cr-p a55 play

but all anyone cares about is his hero movies

i fusion summon evil hero birdman in atttack mode!

btw, this movie is filmed to look like it was done in 1 take

so then a blonde sez they got a big a55 starto replace the busted head guy and its eed norton from terminator 2 (or was that edward furlong?)

so ed gein is aa weird actor and has mmemorized the script someehow cu its his super power

he overanalyzes the script and b--ches about it and they do da scene

then emma ciomes in andd is batmans dauhter (terri mcguinnes?) and ed is gay for hher

so ed trys on an outfit and is going commando but we dont see his man thing or whizzer

blonde played by wwatts is eds gf or w/e and tells him not tto f it up

kateon i mean batman tells zach thateds the one for the part and this chick tells batman shes pregnant with his kid

so tthats damien wayne?

so they do a scene in da play and i think this is a preview

but ed  spazzes out over them not using real booze in a play and f's the show

keaton manbat wants ed out but zack sez they cant and the whole play depends on opening night and a geezer hags review

ed sez batman was great in the play and dont gget his mania did anything wrong

bamton chats with his baby momma about his junkie daughter and batoam wants to refinace this house they were gonna give his daughter

wait i think its his wife, not baby  momma

they split b4 as he thew a knife at her like he's simon belmont

she books it and bridman voice sez he should have done a cr-ppy a55 reality show and batman actor disagrees

outside ed elric sez artsy cr-p and how popular movies are a55 and they go to a bar

eddy sez previews are for figgering out what a play is about and the geezer hag review is only what matters

a fan gets a selfy with batman and ed chats with hag

later batman thinks his daighter is into drugs and finds chronic with her

despite her being the bad guy for being a junkie, she acts like batman is bad for calling her crimes out

she b--ches about batman not being good at cr-p and his choices over leaving the birdman franchise and doing a play made for white people

then b--ches about not being on twitter or facebook and not being important in a b---chy tirade

he otta bat the black offa her for that

and enema the drugs outta her

after she books it, he uses his psychic powers to move  things and smokes chronic

imagine a batman thing of him being turned into a junkie?

they had green arrow on smack or w/e

like if the joker injected him with weed and he devolved into some kinda slug like ape creature

so then theres the play and ed gein trys b0ning the chick for real in the love scnee

so the show goes well and chick is disgruntled that ed tried to b-ne her w o c; with out consent!

is that a thing on how weinstein, epstein, polanski, woody allen and ron jeremy are into non consential thins?

or that purvoo who did that brando movie with the butter butt secks?

so batmans baby momma makes out with the b0ned chick and ed comes in and she sends him out and he dont get how he was bad

then ed whines to betman thhat the gun prop looks fake

so on da roof, junkie daughter plays truth or dare with ed gein and he sez he ddont wanna b0ne her as he has limp d0ng and is only able to do stuff when actin

he has a sexy learning disability, secks lexia! he can only b0ne backwards!

so next the reviews for his play and its not much and he's disgruntled

also his baby moma reveals shes not trally preggers

so inner birdman tells batman he's a jjoke to them and eggs him on to do sh-t

he b--ches to ed nrotaon or furlong abou getiing a b0ner on the play and smacks him with a paper

then batman reveals he was mouth b0ned by his dad ot uncle or w//e n as a kid and ed feels sorry for him, but its just  acting

also he's p-ssed abouted jjabbering abbout him in an interview

so they cr-ppily fight and batman goes off as inner birman mockes him and he uses his powers on stuff to bust da room

inner birdman trys to get him to go back into the superhero movies and its kinda like what they did with venom with tom hardy

zack waks in on batman trashign the room with his hands and sez 1 hour til curtain

batman sez he's f'd out and can't do it anymore and ack sez they sold out and royalty is comming

also martin scorscence is castng a new film (which would be 20166's silence)

blonde watts cheers batman up and ed footlong chats with druggie daughter and gives her advice about not being invisible

she asks truth or dare and eachh time he sez truth she sez no

thats not how da game is played!!

so she asks how eddy red d0ng does acting and fakes being someone else in front of everyone and they start b00ning

btw, keaton did  return to hero films with spiderman home comming and morbious

so batman sez sorry about her not being preggers and they say they'd raise serial killer kids

batman sees drug daughter giggling with eddy brock and goes out for a smoke but the dooor closes and traps his robe

he takes it off and walks around the threatre in his undies through soviet new york as fans want a selfy and head mashed guy is in a neck brace and his lawyer wants financial cr-p for his crippling

he gets back in and does his part walking up through the audience

so after that he b--ches to his junkie kid about he cant sleep and needs cash and his play is f'd

then she sez a rehap trick where you write on toilet paper about the 6 billion years earth was around even though its really only 6000 as proven by creation sccience

also he's popular in tweets or youtube or w/e for being in his undies

he's a meme

so later in a bar he chats with the hagg who is gonna give him a bad review on purpose as she dont like his kind comming into her theatre world

just like disney paying reviewers to bash superhero movies not by them

he counterstrikes by picking apart her revview she's writong on dead  trees and saying she dont got the real knowledge and is just an opinion piece with no skin in da game

he tells her to jam her review in heerr saggy a55 and she vows to end his play

later he comes by a guy acting outside and wakes up in a pile of trash with inner birdman telling him he''s too good for this as he's a real star

then we see the bird man behind him and egging him on the area turns into an action movie and he starts flying andis on tp of a bbilding

he sezhe's shooting a film and a guy helps himand he jjumps off a buildingand flys across soviet new york to the theatre

bbut when he gets there, a cab driver comes out saying batman didnt pay him

is this like calvin and hobbes where we get different views on reality?

later he tells his e womanhow hes hearing a voice and oncce he tried suicide in water but it was full of  jellyfish

after she goes he loads a real firearm as he;s an american citizen ih a right to bear arms

then he does the play and the scene with ed the inbred in bed with his woman and caps himself in it

the crowd loves it and we get actual editing in here with cutting from 1 scene to the next and weird images and then hes in the hospital

so zack comes in and sez they got great reviews from the hag mo

he might get a weapons charge but zack sez to say it was an accident and ggoes oout to deal with the press

drugaughter comes in and btw batman is wearing a bandage that looks like a mask and sez he''s got 80 000 followers in a day from a twitter thing she put up

but twitter is part of the mainstrwsm media and lies annnd oppresses the truth

so she goes out and he takes off his mask andhas a new nose that's not blown off

he sees the bird man on the cr-pper and wait, he looks like kevin costner, and goes out a window cu he sees bbirds outsode

she comes bakc and looks out for him butlooks  up and smiles

the end

that was pretty good

deep andself aware and showing how suprhero movies can do to people

good look at fame and trying to be popular like those idiot teens who eat tide pods or  file their teeth

plus good editing to make it look like 1 long cut

good acting and music and i saw it on tv in fullscreen without the black bars

its high brow and deep and gets you to qustion things

plus the play they di was a real play they got the rights to

i liked it and keaton shhould have gotten the oscar for it

this play was his life

for Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) 2 i want him to have become a real hero who goes around beating up guys at night and the birdman who follows hhim around is in control some times. his psychic powers are revealed to be him bending through reality and into another realy=m where birdman is his other realm self and the more mvies he makes, the stronger he becomes. also its filmed in multiple wuick cut shots with each time someone says a line, it cuits to another guy for his line. its also a 16 bit snes, sega genesis, tg16 gba and atari jaguar game where you play as him and go around beatin up guuys and trying to deal with realm shifting in 2 worlds that are connected.

Friday, December 11, 2020

Countess Dracula Review

 note; i ccan count but not spell

countess dreacula

this is my review on countess dracula from 1971

i saw some of this on comet b4 bt just the last bit

its by hammer studios and is basec on elizabeth bartley from castlevania and the chick who chopped up chicks

its directed by peter sasdy who did a buncha hammer films in soviet england

so after soe 1600s guys go somewhere, we get opening crediiys and title ans then the countess rides in a horse thing

the pesents beg for help but she has em whipped off and goes to her castle

so her husband bit it and they have a reading to see his wishs

he had his stuff given to his homies and countess gets her share split equally with his kid

she's p-ssed and dont wwanna follow it and the kid has been out since shewas like 6 to escape da turks

a guy wants countess but shedont care

she wants to take a bat but its too hot and her slave puts cold water but she puts slaves hand in the water to test it and burns it

after an issue with a knive cuts the slaves face and countess gets blood on her, she goes up to he slaves room an it cuts to kids sining ring around the rosey (a song about the black plague)

so the slave vanished and people look for her

her butt buddy comes to countess and finds her young again

is this some kinda age tf fetish thing?

is she gonna de age into a kid?

so the daughter is comming and utt buddy's men have her cart acked andcapture her ad probably b0ne her dead

btw, this is based on actual events and real people

so they can put it on the history channel with the teas chainsaw massacre and boogie nights

so countess now youngfakes being her daughter and they mention blood in wine color and flowers

also she says her mom had secret butt buddys and outs her butt buddy as being it

but ecvryone laffs so they might htink its a joke

so daughter is kept hostage and alive and countesssflirts with a soldier or something whos gay for her

huh, this was 18+ in soviet asutralia, ireland, netherlands and england and was pg in America

buncha candya55es

purge the abominations from out blue and pure world

so later its night and alien soldier goes up to her roo and lirbary guy sees em

so countess b0nes the csoldier and i was trying to get youtube to work as a drop of spit got on my touch pad an hour ago and my p o s laptop is still f';d by it and spaing out so i missed a bit

then i think the gypsies come over as theres a weird dance by chicks in bikini tops and mc hammer pants

so countess devoles to her real self and butt buddy wants her to not chop up chicks for their blood to keep her young

countess sez this geeer slave's daughter was caught in a flood and later people are whining about how countess is up to something bad about her kid and some chicks are worried about their missing kids

countesstalks to a gypsy toget her fortune told (witchcraft! theres stuff in the bible against that!) who se she'd be young at heart again

countess shanks her and come out later young and tells her soldier bf her moms in her room

they they b0ne and she hides the shank in th hay they are b0ning in

he thinks hes not worthy for a countess as hes just a commoner like in adisneys aladdin

later read daughter trys to eacape and get her foot out a hole in the walls a55 but a cossack kisses it as hes got a foot fetish

ome kids find the shanked gypsy and we see her nips

later , butt buddy b--ches about countess wanting to marry soldier and she gets grosses each time the blood wears off

is this a thing on ritual sacrifice how some people used blood to cleanse sins?

later thery talk of a chick drained of blood atta bar

so at nighr countss goes out and decrodesand i think gets locked outta her home

aat da bar this belly dancercomes outand does a dance

soldier sezz to butt buddy they otta have a double wedding with butt buddy marrying countess and him weeding daughter

whhat is this? Saved By The Bell?

so this barmaiid sez the countess is into the black arts like everyone in holly wood andwont go to her castle

at da castle the countess does a Rosary and freaks out at her rotting face in a mirror

butt buddy, alien sovler and barmaid go to da castle and baermaid  b0nes soldier

butt buddy meeds libraian who goes around the castlevania with a map of hidden areas

butt buddy goes to the hiddenn room with countess all devolved andse she f'd him

is this a thing on drugs?

the more you use it, the worse it f's you?

tonight! On intervention! my gf can't stop bathing in virgin blood!

i'm kinda surprized TLC never had a show about eating poop

they've had worse

so butt buddy takes countess to see soldier b0ning barwh00re buthe didn't b0ne her

so butt buddy pats her a 50 coin that she puts in heer b00bs andoffers 100 for her to b0ne him

good thing da gov didnt invent aids yet

later we see the barchick in with heer b00bs ouut and drained of blood but it dont work oncountess

butt buddy chex the book (the milennium spellbook from yugioh?) and libralieyn is gonna burn the pages and sezonly virgin blood works

he offers to aid her and she tells butt buddy to get virgins

btw, in riki-oh, the 80 year old gay japanese nazi was obcessed with youth and bathed in virgin girl blood

is this where its from?!

is  that arreal thing the elites do??

so butt buddy goes out to buy chicks (boy for salle!!) and he buys  a chick no one wants to b0ne

later, soldier meets countess s=who sez  her daughter went to get flowers

hes nice to her and she se hes the son ofher husbands homie and he'dd want soldier to be well

meanwwhile, daughter ttrys to seduce the cossackand they almost b0ne and she jacks da key annd ewscapes but gets caught and smacked arond

so later librarian is gonna tell soldier but butt buddy has him wacked

but buddy taes alien soldier to the bath room and sees young countss in a blood tub

hr's creeped out and confused and she sez he almost b0ned a h00ker and shes him the body in a closet

so the next day, da guards investigate the librairans icing and they wonder if the daughter missing and gypsy girl found drainedare related

then they find the daughter and its the slave from da start

and the wh-re

so butt buddy figgers the countess will devolve when she runs outta viirgins and da place will be his

is this a thing on how in africa they think b0ning a virgin cures aids?

cu they b0ne newborns now cu they ran outta virgins

plus blood has aids connotations

this movie saw da future!

so i spazzed and was reading about eha anime an manga Crows but when i looked back, the real daughter was found by the maid in the castle and remembered her

maid takes soldier to the dungeon later to meent real daughter and tells em to escape but he sez he's in too deep

she ssez hes innocent as the real daughter and soldier tells real daughtet to escape to the stables as saying shes the countess's daughter wont work

so later theres a weeding and countess is gonna marry ailsin soldier

but then her face devolves and she runs out to shank her daughter

soldier truys to stop her but gets shanked and goe sto h e double africa

later they say the countess is gonna get strung up and they say shes evil an call her countess dracula as she is carted off

the end

that was pretty good

not too gory and just soome blood and b00bs

it goes by at a good rate

not too draging and has flow

good acting

good plot

its well made

i liked it

for countess dracula 2 i want her to be about to be strung up but she akes a pact with a daemon and gains the power to survive the hanging, then she digivolves into a weird la blue girl monster and goes around icing everyone. the daughter goes into hiding by the priests and trains in holy ways and over the next few years, the countess has taken over most of europe. now the daughters training is done and she goes out with a holy axe and is all big and muscley and beefy and goes to slay the abomiination that was oncce her mom to free europe. Its also an 8 bit nes, sega master system, gameboy, game geat, atari jaguar and lynx and tg16 game where you play as her and go around this creepy  light and shadow german expressionist europe to get to her castle to slay her.

Thursday, December 10, 2020

Around The World In 80 Days Review

 note; this is a long a55 film so imma sprll bad

around the world in 80s days

this is my review on artound the world in 80 days from 1956

its directed by mike andedrson who did the 50s 1984, the shoes of the fisherman, logans run, orca, and millennium

it stars david niven, shirley maclaine (wo i hear is into the occult or w/e) robert newton, Robert Morley, noel coward, charles boyer, Evelyn Keyes, red skelton, Cedric Hardwicke, ronald coleman, peter lorre, cesar romero, Melville Cooper, Reginald Denny, Marlene Dietrich, John Carradine, the horrible frank sinatra, the wonderful buster keaton, the delightful andy devine, and marion ross from spongebob

and thats just the ones i know!!

i never saw this b4 but did see the pinky and the brain ver, the aliin and the chimpmunks ver (i think(was that real?)) and my dad read me the classics illustrated comic in the 90s

it won da oscar bak when that meant something and is based on the book by ules verne

so it starts with a guy saying much of jules vernes cr-p he made came true and they show a voyage to the moon and how one day we may go to the moon to see if he's right

in the 50s that had hope, but now its seen by gyys who say it was fake

then the screen expands to wide screen and shows a modern day rokket synchron in attack mode

then it shows da urth from space and how we can circle da urth in less than 80 hours

then its 1972 and the confederacy is rebuilding after beating the wicked yankees in the civil war and winning the freedom they wanted

but this is soviet eengland under reign of their devant regent and in tthis brit mo club 1 guy is scared of ice in drinks as its from America

we kicked yo candy a55es in 1776! don't make us do it again!

1 guy outside drives a big wheel 1800s bike to da employment office and dont gotta chain it up as the gaijin didnt invade england yet

1 club guy b--ches aboit main guy, fogg being nutsnd evil cuz of all his ocd demands

also no one knows anything abot him or where he gets his cash

then bike guy offers to take thee job theb--ching guy has(mexiicans comming to take err jerbs!!)

at fogg kings place he tells bike guy to be eact at his autism

later at da club, fogg figgers outstuff about a bank robbery w/o being told as hes the big bang theory guy in the slavery days

da conversation leads to da urth being small and fogg sez a man can go around the globe in 80 days and th club sez he's full of sh-t

they agree to bet him 20 000 britmo yen he cant do it

so bike gaijin is called fogg and he takes the dumb waiter and sez he has 10 mins to get ready

he gets a bag and fills it woth cash and sez to watch it and bkemo zes he'd cherih it like a woman

fogg; dont maek love to it, jjust wwatch it

me; imagine him b0ning the money bag!

so later, after getting slapped by a chick he talks to (femministm!!) thhey go ooff and fogg tells bike mo the trip route and allthe chicks they;d see there

wait, its not dogg its a tour travel guide and fogg ses an avalanche  has fd the train route and travel guy offers em a balloon

grandpa; da gov don't own the skys! you could live in a balloon!

soo they go up in a balloon and flys for severa mins to music

at da club da guys somehow hear hes in da alps in a balloon and chat aboot eet

soo the foggo is heading to sooviet franch and ends his iike slave up to fix the gas thing

he falls off and screams as he splatters like a pig thrown off a building


they landd in i think mexico and he has his slave ask eem stuff and its reealed they in spain

then wheres all the blondes?

like dorothy catelonia, eric lecarde and vega/balrog?

so after this mexico guy dances on a table like he's valentino in that scene with william hootkins, bike slae dances with a red dress chik

theres some turks there and wait, it wasnt biike mo, and he fogg mo asks them to use the yacht

wait it was the bike mo and turnk wants to see bike mo ina bull fiht cuz he used a table coloth in a matardor way

so theres a bullfighting match and bike slave is freaked out but does well so foggus gets the yacht to go to soviett france

at the club they bet on if fogg will make it and on the odds

also the bank guy from b4 thinks fogg jacked the bank and sends da brit cops after him

jokes on you! they dont got guns!

so on da way to the democratic republic of mongolia, the cook sez the climate is getting hot and they gonna change the meals to deal with it

but fogg sez he's eeaten the same thing every thursday for years and will have a lot of hot food

thats some big bang theory right there

1 guy on da boat talx with brike mo about soviet india and he wants to know of the chicks

in the not as bad as today iindia, fogg i tailed by this boat guy who is sent for the bank money thing

bikey uses his coat to bull fighter a cow away from a chick he wants to b0ne and the cow worshippers chase him through the townn

so bike guy trys (i think hes the bank guy actuallu but i might be wrong) to get the local cops to arrestt the fogg ut they say no

so bikey gets on the moving train with fogg as hes chased by gaijin and they see cr-p in the countryside like elephants and stuff from street fighter ii

is this where street fighter ii got it from? a grand tour of zaa warudo?

on da train they chat with a guy who fought a psycho cult called the thuggs and they worship a wicked goddess and chop peolple up

is that real?

so then they find the next 50 miles to track are not finishhed and they gotta find their ownn way

fogg gained 2 days of travel on the boat and theygo through da jungle on a big a55 elephant he buys for 1000 pounds

thhats like 2 fat chicks! or 1 really fat chick!!

in da jungle they finda demon ritual where the cult is doing stuff and they are gonna ritual sacrifice a chick by cookeing her with her rich husbands body

the guide sez da chick was edcated in soviet england and they choose to save her a55

as the general who told em about the cult plans with fogg on what to do, bike mexico goes in

just like the opposite of shin godzilla where they j-rked off for 2 hours talking about drafting a bill whn this abomination was b0ning the city dead

so biikemo fakes being the husband and gets out of the wrappings and the cult members book it as he saves the chick

so fogg mo gets arrsted and skips town after posting bond and heads for once  free hong kong

wtf this is is 14+ in soviet cananda and 12+ in portugal

they have roaming cannibals in canda but can't have a 50s movie?!

so fogg chats wiith chick and she sez she was only married in name to the guy and saw him once whn she was 07 b4 being sent to sovet england to be devolved

so boat guy is malcontent over not getting the back cash yet and bribes a boat guy to get info on where foggs going next

why not wait for him in england? hes gonna return in under 3 months. and you know where hes gona be

also he got their bond posted at 1000 yen a piece and is disgruntled fogg paid it

so in pre soviet hong kong they fiind they can''t drop off chick and gotts keep her with em

bike mo chats with boat guy and has a drink wiith him and sez hes a pro detecitve and thhathe wants fogg for jacking da bank

bike mo wont betray da master and boat guy puts something funny in his drink and he blacks out

he wakes up and is on a boat as peter lorre is there and probably b0ned him

lorre sez hes there alone and bike mo sez his cash is gone

boat mo chats to fogg and fogg gets another boat to go to yokohama and then to soviet san fran sicko

so bike mo is in imperial japan in the meiji era and ogg comes by and looks for bikeo

they find him in a perfroming house and they go off too soviet san fran sicko

then theres intermission and the enter act and in san fran sicscoi think its independence day or soomething an deveryones celebrating at night

they go to a saloon and eat and boat guy comes by looking for bike mo, wait its fog

outside they meet boat guy and he sez he's taking his relative around to different drs

a texas gets in a fight with fogg and fogg uses a stck to beat him down

o they take da rail roade and after buffalo crossings they reunite with the teas who is gonna have a duel with pistols with fogg

but inidans aytack and bbike meoco goes on the roof to save the head train guys fromthe indians(the drivers)

he falls off da train and flags down a wagon to drive himas they are chased by indians

he gets caught and is gonna be burned at the atake like they amish but he gets out (i waas putting away mu yugioh cards so i didnt see) and they use a sail on a cart to ride the train tracks

at da club word gets thhere that foogg jacked da bank and booked it to pre soviet venezuala cyz of the boat he was said to have gone on

on da boat they run outta coal and andy devine is driving and not telling tall tales to get space monsters after him

they got 3 dayss left andfogg buys the boat and as new capptan, haas em burn everything on da boat for fuel

cant do that on clean energy

they run outta wood and start throwing crewmen in the ovens for their body fat to cook


so they run outta wood but make it to land and fogg gives back the boat

so he gets back to da club andthey accuse him ofbank robbing andhe's taken to jaile

but the real robber is caught and boat uy sez sorry but foo tells him he s-cked

but now they ddidnt make it in time to da club and go home annd hes bummed as he aint got friends and lost the bet

chick comforts him and mexican bike coems in saying its really satruday anc they still have 10 mins left

fogg realizes they crozssed the date line through time zones and they gaind an extra day

what is this?! time travel?!

so they go to the club and driver gets the hick ups and his horse a55 wont move  for anyone else driving

fogg goes on and gets delayed by a  street preacher and eventually gets there just as time is about to up

chick comes into the club and the guys spazz out for a girl in their clubhouse

he sez is the end of the brittish empire and then, this is, the end, and the credits roll for like 6 mins to cool animation recaping da filme

the end

that was actually quite goood

i liked it

its like 3 hours but dont feel like it

sorta like birth of a nation or gone with the wind

good acting, good fun, no swearing or nude scenes or graphic vioence or blood or poop

aka not by go nagai

its a clean wholesome entertaining funpositive cheerful lite movie thats bright and has good color

too bad its super wide screen but some versions fix that

but i enjoyed this and its worthh sittin through for like 3 hours

oh snap, theres exit msuic

good music and fun and it holds up today

for around the wold in 80 days i want it to be about his son who's with the princess they saved to try to prove himself by going around the world top to bottom. but along the poles he finds tropical zones with mammoths and ancient animals thought to be exxtinct and its run by daemons and devolved people and he has to escape using 1900s tech and make it to the club in time for the bet. also its a 128 bit sega dreamcast, game cube, ps2 and xbox game where you go thhrough towns and each level is annother day and each has objectives to doo and has you going around in a 3d worlrd like castlevania legacy of darkness.

Wednesday, December 9, 2020

Bad Santa Review

 note; i spell bad.

bad santa

this is my reiew on bad santa ffr9m 20003 (the year before the year before the transformers movie hsappened)

its got billy bob thotnton, tony cox, lure ton bernie mac, john ritter, alex borstein(ewwwwwwwww), the fats55 from mike and molly, Octavia Spencer (gross!!) and Cloris Leachman (gag e with a spoon!!), 

its directal by Terry Zwigoff who did nothing i saw

i saw soome of this years ago and people say its ggreat

i actually know a guy who looks like the bad santa kid and i look like the home alone kid

we otta film a sequel cross over if i go down to kansas to hang out with his fat a55

so after title credita  we gget bob as santa in a bar whining about his life and how this job is the worst yet

his childhood s-cked and he never had a real christmas annd he goes out and pukes

then hr's with a black midget as a mall santa and is a grouch

1 kid sez he's not santa and he sends him on

so bob p-ssed himself annd has a swig of booze annd molly mike is aguard there who stasrts the alarmm as everyone leaves for the night

but the midget hiding as a snowman turns it off and lets bob in and they loot the place

the driver was dana in batman beyond annd they get away and drink

midget sez bobs getting sloppy and bob sez he wants to quitand move to soviet miammi and get his life together

midget sez next year he's gonna beback and need cash

montths later in soviet miami ad gets beay up for stealing booze from a  beach bar and watches bikini chicks play volluball

so hes sstill a f up and goes back to the midget for another xmas heist

so they replaced the last santa and thinks the mall head played by john yubel das abscelich ritter means his parts are f'd when he  asks about his performance and swears a lot

ritter talks to mac about it and mac is head of security

soo after getting his drunk a55 up, he chats with the kids and is an a55 hole

meanwhile, this fata55 kid is name called by cool kids who throw a beer can at his head

so fat boy goes to santa and pulls on da hair and asks why its fake

bob sez he got a disease from b0ning and fatboy asks him qquestios aboyt being santa

this kinda creaps him out and bob send him on

at a bar a chick who looks kinda like ashley in degrassi net gen flirts with him and they b0ne in a car as shes into santa

santa fetish? i've heard worse

like crotch transformation!

being turned into a d0ng monster

then a gaijin attacks bob and trys b0ning himbut fatboy saes his a55

bob briings him to his place as kid asks questions that p-ss him off

its pretty funny

fatboy sez his dads an explorer and moms in heaven so grandma takes care of him

he only knows her as grandma and i didn't now my japanese grandma's name until after she died at 98.5

we all just called her grandma

so he loots the kids house and car and later at work ritter catches bob b0ning a fat chick in the a55

ritter is gonna can him until bob says he'd get all the africannized misgets riled up over being canned and ritter relents

this predicted the future, where people hold up business over fake outrage

later he trys seducing a chick at the arcade and midget rides his a55 over it

later ritter tells mac about bob b0ning a fat chick and that bob makes him uneasy and he wants to find a reason to fire him

later bob comes by his apartment and the ffat chick he was butt hammering sez a cop was going through his room and bo goes to live with fatboy saying he b0ned mrs claus's sister and now needs a place to stay

fatboy asks spa questions for bob and he gets -ssed and fatboy just stands there stares

this kids great

give him the oscar

btw, this was b4 2 and a half men with a crude a55 guy and aninnccent kid

fatboy gets  an advent calandar and it has a chocolate and a piece of the Nativity Story every day

at lunch tomorrow the midget and his batman beyond gf are there and midet sez he's a p o s and drinks and b0nes oo much

then a mom brings her  kid to bob and he swears at em

later mac catches a brat stealing and takes his mp3 player and tells him of

also he scalls a guy to run arizona plates for him

then its night andbob plays heckers with fatyboy and fatboy is taking forever, but makes a winning move

bob freaksout and flips the table and kid asks to play again

then a neighbor comes by and sez they doing a xmas thing with sandbags and candles in itand he sez he'd do it eventually

after b0ning santa fetish girl in the pool, he chats with her and late, rips open the advent calandar about the chocolate

the next day the fat kid is spazzing out cas he cuz his hand oon somethingbob trys to help and realizes its his chocolate eating that did something

so later bob and midget  check the air conditioning of the mall and mac hears back from the plate running and goes to see this guy in jjail and he sez his son lives with his mom and is oing time for embezzelment

at home he gives the kid a patched up advent calandar and 1 candy is cr-ppy

so mac chats with ritter and sez he found jack sh-t on bob so he cant fire him

later fatboyy gets wwedgied and comes to the mall with the undies still up and sez he wants a gorilla to beat up the kids

bob sez ehen he got beat up he toold his dad and dad beat on him and tells fatboy to man up and kick a55

then mac comes to midgget and sez he wants in and a cut

i mean half

so midget and bob bicker and they realize they need each other

later bob shows up drunk and spazes out and beats apart the creepy raindeer

mac and midget ibicker and swear at each other and its fun and later bob trys suicide in the car with a hose from the cars butthole to the window and fatboy comes in

he gives kid  a confession letter for when the cops come for his body but sees fatboy has a black eye soo he gets the will to live and beats up some teenagers

later bob trys to train the kid but he kid and midget yst crotch hit eachh other

after thinking granny bit it for a bit, bob b0nes santa fetish girl and fatboy comes in and gives him a gift

a wooden pickle thats coated in his blood from him cutting his hand making it

santa f--ker sezs the kid is nice and he dont wanna b0ne anymore

da next day kid shhows bob his reportcard and hopes he can get a present as he didnt get one for the last few years and hes a loser

bob spazzes out and gets mad at him for saying stuff about himself that bob said about him and that he's not the real santa

fatty sez  he knows bobs not santa and hoped hed get a present cuz they friends

then its night and they gon do the heistt and midgget and dana  tan fake car trouble to get mac in line with their car and ice him with it

so bob, santa fetish chick and grandma and fatyy set up da house for xmas and do the sand bag thing

this is kinda like rambo 4 where hes burned out and finds  his way back to finding the reason to go o and something worth living for 

so they do the same thing to get in the mall as b4 for the heist and bob sez the saf is the kind thats too good to crack

so after a montage of bob trying to crack itand midgget jacking stuff, he gets it open and goes too get an elephant for the fat kid

then midget points a gun at bob and sez the mac is dead

he's sick of bobs f--kery and thenn all these cops come in with guns (good guys with uns) and bob gets awayin the dads car

he goes too give the kid his present and theres a car chase and at the house he runs but gets shot a lot as kids watch from their wiindows

then we get a letter from bob to kid who says the bullets missed his vitals and  the cops made a deal with bob as gang capping an unarmed mall santa in front of many kids was f'd and he can help em as the letter he wrote shos he was against it

the santa f--ker is now fatys guardian and he kicks the teen who was mean to him in the parts and rides his bike off  while gicving the finger

the end

production manager david crocket?!

that was great

i actually laughed

its crude, crass, an totally f'd

but its got heart and has a good feel to it

bobs not a loser but a rough guy and each character briingds something good

its got good stuff to it and has good writiing and acting and music

great film for an r rated christmas show

For Bad Santa 2 I want it to be a cross over withh home alone and I' play the Home Alone Kid and mmy left wing friend would play the Bad Santa Kid and We'd be the adult versions of them and have to stop an Evil Elf from ruining Christmas! Also we'd have Autism from flu shots and I'd say "Some Ladies And Valves Explode!" and he'd say "Asian Indian Dong Soup"! (Slave and Aids) Also we'd be Power Rangers and fight Evil Coal Us's who are just us with Chocolate smeared on our faces! For this we'd edit Stop Motion Animated vs Us with Filthy Faces and then get the Zords! Also we advance on the Elf and he screams and it fades out, then unfades and we'd be eating KFC! also its a 16 bit 2 player beat em up on sega genesis, snes, atari jjaguar, tg16 and gba with 1 as the home alone kid and 1 as the bad santa kid and we fight evil elf toys and evil coal us's

Sunday, December 6, 2020

The Sun Also Rises Review

 Note: I spell worse than hemming way, but at least i diddnt eat my gun

The sun also rises

this is my rvew on thesun also rises from the distant futture year of 1957

its written by ernest hemmingway and was directed by henry king wo did the snos of kilimanjaro, Jesse James and Captain from Castile 

inever saw this but heard its by hemming way so imma czech it oot

it stars tyrone power, ava gardner and errol flynn

so ater narration of generations going by we get credits and titrle

then its soviet paris france but then its 1926 after the 1st ww1

power meets a guy from the war and its revealed hesa newspaper guy and war guy wants  to gtfo this stnk hole

huh, the real hemingway hated this film

then again, akiras toriyama hated db evolutoon and steven king hated the shinning

so later power's homie wants to go to south america where the zentraedi went in robotech comics and novels

laterpower is in a cafe and has  drinks with a chick and she is surprized hes an American

she dont like paris and sez theres no where else to go and she buys a different dress every day

what a waste of money!

so they go to a resutarnt and she's kinda picky and fussy and nevrer satiisfied like a mollennial who gets everything he wwants and wants more

later she wants to go somehwere to probably b0ne but he sez he was wounded in ww1 and i assume he lost his parts

they go to a place to dance and she whines abbout the heat

man, these frenchies are never happy, its like they're feminists or something

a guy introduces her as georgette but thats the name of a celeb so she sez its not her name

he meets his homie who wwants to go to socviet south america and power wants to go to spain (But Franco hasn't saved it yet!!)

then this lady comes in and homie is gay for her and she says powers name is too biblical Jacob)

is she an atheist or an occultist?

so lady dances with power and she seems bummed and he asks whats wrong and sez she as gay a minute ago

she and he goes out and homie offers to get em a beer and powr sez to give the chick he was with a card

so power and lady make out and she sez she missed him and she shouldn't have come back

wtf they in a car with a curtain beind the rear window

so later homie and power and lady chat in a bar or mcdonalds or something

power tells homie lady is american but married a britmo in the war who bit it and is gonna marry a rich guy

power tells homie to go to h-l and he is all "take it back" as i guess even adults did that in the 20s

later power has viet nam flash backs to being cared for by a nurse after getting his parts blown off in korea

his right hand is bandaged and a general or w/e tells him the shell fragment missed his spine but now his parts dont work

just like with drake in degrassi next gen!

he has a smoke as his parts are already dead ans the tobacco won't make em any limper

so he goes off and leaves nurse who i think is lady behind and then its the present where lady i think comes by too help him

so then this frenchie comes by with booze and oh i thin hes a high rank guy, oh hes a count i think

so they chat and drink and he leaves and lets them keeop all da booze

she leaves but returns for her cr-p and she hugs him ans crys b4 going

later power tallks with someone whos going out of soviet paris and has a shower as they are in a locker room

later this blondde friend of power comes by and wants to go on an adventure with him and a french chick he just met

oh and lady is gone out

so they go fishing and alsmot drink fresh goats milk and look out over the city of soviet paris

later its day and they fishing and talk about chicks and how powers loved the one he was with

later they go to a bullfight as i guess they went to pre Franco spain

at spain they see lady and errol who is the guy she is gonna marry

also homie is there and errol wwas in the war but is outta cash

lady sez homie told em where powers would be and she wants to see a bull fight

they go to this bull thing and theres steers by the bulls to keep the peace

1 big black bull comes through this thing and these mexicans egg emm on and hide behind wood

they send more bullz thhrough 1 atta time and homie sez its gay being a steer but werrol sez its good as its easier

only thing they got there; steers and queers!

so powwwrs sez errol is drunk and errol denies it and after homie moves on, errol bashes homie as he knows homie is gay for lady

they they go to the running of the bulls and errol chugs boozeas he goes

a bull gets loose and f's up somee guys in a staduim as the guys look on later

errol wants to try a check that bounced 3x on the bull wo has knobs on its horbsso it dont gut anyone

so errol and wait i thiink was homie, iim not sure, f'd with the bull and the check gets lost

later theres a bll fight and later, they all go to a restaurant for dinner

they meet the bllfighter and erol is drnk andsez da bullz have no hornz, a reference to powers not having parts

he rambles about cr-lp while fdrunk and nearly fights bllfighter and then theres fireworks outside

later powers chats with ladt about the love issues witherrol and how he uused to be sober and she thought they could have made it

they go back and ulfighter has his palm read by lady (witchcraft!!)

so later they goo to another restauutrant or bar or w/e and errol is drunk and homie asks where llady is

errol sez shes with the bullfighter and homie fights powers, then gets beat up by waiters

homie goes to this room and beats on bullfighter and they fight as she tells em to stop like mr burns trying to stop homer and smithers

he takes down the mexicano but lady tells him to go and she helps her mexicano bull fighter bf

later its the next day and lady asks wheer homie is and sez bullfighter is busted but is gonna fight a bull

i bet he's  gonna lose his parts or get iced

errol sez da h-lll with her bullfighter and smashes booze bottles and the italianoes there get loud

meanwhile, lady and powers are out for a walk and she goes to a church and then as they walk on wishes the wind would stop

what are you? lillian gish?!

so bullfighter fights a big black bull and dont bit it

then a guy on a horse witha  spear like in Fire Emblem comes in and does something to the ull offscreen

is this where rodeos came from? ll those mexicans in texas bringing bullfighting fro spain?

so bullfighter goes in for round 2 and the people want him to pplace his own spears in the bull

lady sez he's too f'd from being beat up by homie

he dances around and does something to the bull offscreen and everyone cheers

can't they ice cows on movies?!

we do it all the time to make burgers!

just get a burger cow and edit it!

he ses this is for lady andgoes in for anotther round and does something offscreen with a sword and everyone cheers

then the bull gets up as his back is turned and rams him so hard he blows apart in a spray of blood guts and chunks


later homie sez sorry for being malcontent over lady not being his woman and he loves her and power is his only friend

one way out! (puts shotgun in mouth) nah thats what hemmingway would do!

so homie is going back to paris and the nazies are gonna b0ne him dead in a few years

power sees rrol and hes drinking and sez ladyu went with bullfighter and that he had a good life as a brit mo aristocrat

later the gguysare chatting about where homie went and errol feels bummed over it

errol is going to cannes and is gonna use credit as hes outta cash and they'll enslave him to pay it back

its revealed bulfighter was to fight again but cancelledc it and powe is going to a hiotel for a week before going back to work

later power is on a beach and getsa letter from lady saying she's f'd and needs help fast

he whizzes over there on his dead d0ng and finds shedont got bullfighter anymore cuz 1dumped the other (i missed who) and she needs cash

she wants him to take her with him and they go

they chat in a car and she's bummed about f ing out qwith all these guys and power is the only guy she could love

they drive off and we see the sunrise and nrrator sez 1 generation goes and another comes and the sun also rises

the end

that wasnt so bad

its not too interesting and kinda takes a while to get through, but its not awful

i hear the book had anti seemitist and gayness in it that the movie cleaned up

this has good colorand filming but is super widescreen with black bars on al 4 sides

its not bad and is decent but notsuper great

good acting though

it was cleaned up since the book so i didnt know the chick was a h00ker andthe lady was a sl-t

its probably where degrassi got the idea for that ep where drake's parts dont work and hs gf wants to b0ne

its got some good stuff in it but i found myself looking up go  nagai manga while it was on instea of watching

olus the relationship between power, lady and homie was based on hemmingway, a chick he was gay for, and his jewish friend

put it on the history channel!!

for thesun also rises 2 i want it to be about the main guy going on an epidition to an ancient lust temple to frind a cure for his limp thing and going through it with all its traps and karakuri guardians and golems and gator sized centipedes. also its a 16 bit sega genesis, sneds, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba game where you play as the main guy and go through a metroidvania thing to get to the ancient treasure to heal your limp parts.