Friday, December 25, 2020

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians Review

 Note; i spell the way this movie is; so bad its good

snata claus conquers the martians

this is my review on santa claus conquers the martians from the distant future year of 1964

its the 1st film showing of mrs claus according to wikipediao and is seen as one of the worst films ever made

its directed by nicholas webster and stars no one ive heard of

i saw this b4 and yeah its cheee but its fun

so after title and credits to a cheerful song, we gget martian kids watchhing a news thing onan interview witrh santa at da nortyh pole

its -91 below zero which might as well be in space at that point

after mrs claus is on for a min, santa shows his elf  named winky cuz hes a b0ner, making martian toys

bttw this is full screen and in color

soo later the martian comes home and uses a ticckle ray on his slave or w//ee for sleeping

he was sleeping as he forgot howw and was practicing

his kids were watching eart shows and hhe  hates it and sends em to bed with sleep spray

What iss this? Rocket Revengers wirh Sleep Water and the Super Gernan?!

also 1 kid is named bomar

so kids all over da mars are disgruntled and they gget advice from an 800 year old guy

are this mars years?

cuz thats like 1500 earth years

hee  somehow knows abiut xmas and sez the kkids never played or learned to havve fun so tthey rebelll

So they're asian??

alssoo they need a santa for mars and the mars guys wanna jack da urth santa

but voldar, not goldar from power rangers, wants to not as the  kids would get annoying

so they go to earth pretty fast and the news picks it up and reports it wiithout the gov blockingg it

da  earth sends rokket synchron in attack mode after it but they do jjack sh-t

so da martians come down to earth andfind some kids annd neeed hep fiinding out wguich santa is the real one as theres all these mall santas

they capture the kids so the kids dont squeal and da news picks this story up prettuy quick

in the ship tthe slaave  from b4 shows em what the controls do

the dad comes up and rides his a55 and the kids hide in the coontrol box

at da northe pole the kids escape and the mars guysccome out voldar bickers with dad and reveals the kids got oot

1 space guy goes after em and the kids come across a really cr-ppy bear costume

at least we dong see it b0ning like wearwold sasquatch dracule with that keanu movie

after he's doone they see a big a55 robot that catches em and is by ther voldar

voldar wants em crushed and dad had robot done so it wont work for voldar

dad has the kids taken back and voldar is p-ssed that they aint a war people like they used to be

ust like with japan being bada55 in the 40s but candya66 today

so they go ino santas shop with  the robot and santa is impressed by how well its made

so the mars bboys come in and use a freeze gun to stun the elves and santa thinks they iced his men

btw it froze em with their eyes open so they'll go blinde by the time it wears off

they also stun mrs claus

so the robot has become a toy somehow and they just leave

so the news reports that santa was abducted by martians like its the weekly world news and the earth plans to use a rocket

this was made before the ALLEGED moon landing so for its time, it was ipressive to the 50s kids

like 2001 a space odyssey

only this actally has sh-t happening!!

so santa is having a positive effect on the entraedi and voldar dont like it

wow, robotech ripped this ooff too!!

also tommy wiseau makes us feel positive too

the kids are bummed as  they lead the space monkeys to santa and santa  comforts em

slave  brings em food and santa  sezz he makes him laff

the food is jjust pills like star trek in that em where they had to make the aliens feel human with human vices

so voldar is p-ssed again and  wants to ice the kids and acts nice to get em on a grand tour of the ship

step in 2 da grand tour!

shows pan and bra as 90s homie bimbos

so voldar takes em to da air lock and back door billy the kid  kknows about how it works

but voldar traps em in there and the kkids know he''s trying to waste em

santa is positive and trys to see the good in hhim but volday sets it to suck em into space to blow apart into chef boy ar dee guts

dad comes in and finds voldar sent the kids and santa to h e double soviet england and they fight badly

but after voldar gets his a55 whipped, santa comes in and sez its all ust an accident and he  and the kids escaped in an air duct

ike those things the gaijin from india  call you to  sell cleaning for

so they make it to soviet mars and want voldar  to stand trial

but slave was caught and tied up by voldar who gotta wayy

santa and the kids come over and see the mars kids who are bummed and they all laugh

mwanwhile, voldar wants to whack santa like khyron wanted to bust the SDF 1

also santa started a toy thing to make toys for the mars kids

but santa thinks just pushing a button to make toys cheapens it

also the kkids from urt are devolving itno mars style soul less kids

and slave  is told to fatten up to fit in the santa suit so he eats pills

the  he does  clothes stuffing to look fatter and puts on a beard and the suit

as slave goes down to make toys with out request, vaoldor and his goons f with the machine and hide

they catch slav in a santa suit and bring him back to their lair and  later the good guys think slave went out in his suit to have fun

bbtw, according to imdb, thhuis fil predicted the US Space Force

President Trump made this film canon!

so Santa makes the toy machine go and all the towys are f'd together like heads swapped or a base ball tennis racket

meannewhile, the bad guys leave and set up a dinintigration field so iff slave leaves he'd be dusted

so the good guys figger out the bad guys stole slave and voldar sez he's got santa and his demands are for them to stop trying to make mars for american and send santa back

then they see santa and dad hholds em at blaster point and sez santa has powers and tells his men to do sh-t

he traps em in a closet and in the cave, slave changes lightbulbs to try to stop the nucular (its sauid lie that)  curtain

he then escapes and in da base, voldar and his minion beat up dad and say they'e gonna bash the machine and stop santa

but back door billy hears em and outs em to santa

santa; so we meet again eh?

me; santa's canadian?! i thought hee was polish or german or w/e

so voldar confronts santa and santa unleashes his toys that spazz out and fire bubbles like milons secret castle and the kids bap him with whiffle bats

its a cluster f--k of random sh-t and i love it

minion sees slave show up and is gonna ice him but sdad comes to and stops him

so voldar is beaten by toys like in roboptech how the zentraedi were beat by music

later, santa and the kkids are gonna go home and slave is the new mars santa and  santa is nice and cheerful and heartwarming

then we see the space ship going off and stars and the song horray for santy claus as the earth comes ip

then the words to the song come up on screen after the credits

the end

that was sooo bad its fun

its entertaining, silly, offbeat and weird

its not normal but then again, burger meister meister burger and a camel calls quarter past 5 aint either

its a jolly time and if you dont mind it being random and zany, its  a good  watch

its only like 80 mins and has goood flow so it dont drag or feel long

i liked it and its a positive time thats only in the 60s when we got weird a55 Christmas things

For Santa Claus Conquers The Martians 2 i want voldor to escape and start an underground uprising for the people of mars to try to reclaim their old ways to putrge the cheer and joy or mas. But The new Santa has attained Xmas Powers from being the Mars Santa and has to take em on by going in their cave bases and space areas and cyber tech stuff and using his Xmas glitter blasts on em to turn em happy. Its also a 16 bit Sega Genesis, Snes, Gba, Tg16 and Atari Jaguar game where you play as  him and go around this area and cheer up all the bad martians who use lazer blasts on you and you gotta heal in pods around the area.

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