Note; i spell the way this movie is; so bad its good
snata claus conquers the martians
this is my review on santa claus conquers the martians from the distant future year of 1964
its the 1st film showing of mrs claus according to wikipediao and is seen as one of the worst films ever made
its directed by nicholas webster and stars no one ive heard of
i saw this b4 and yeah its cheee but its fun
so after title and credits to a cheerful song, we gget martian kids watchhing a news thing onan interview witrh santa at da nortyh pole
its -91 below zero which might as well be in space at that point
after mrs claus is on for a min, santa shows his elf named winky cuz hes a b0ner, making martian toys
bttw this is full screen and in color
soo later the martian comes home and uses a ticckle ray on his slave or w//ee for sleeping
he was sleeping as he forgot howw and was practicing
his kids were watching eart shows and hhe hates it and sends em to bed with sleep spray
What iss this? Rocket Revengers wirh Sleep Water and the Super Gernan?!
also 1 kid is named bomar
so kids all over da mars are disgruntled and they gget advice from an 800 year old guy
are this mars years?
cuz thats like 1500 earth years
hee somehow knows abiut xmas and sez the kkids never played or learned to havve fun so tthey rebelll
So they're asian??
alssoo they need a santa for mars and the mars guys wanna jack da urth santa
but voldar, not goldar from power rangers, wants to not as the kids would get annoying
so they go to earth pretty fast and the news picks it up and reports it wiithout the gov blockingg it
da earth sends rokket synchron in attack mode after it but they do jjack sh-t
so da martians come down to earth andfind some kids annd neeed hep fiinding out wguich santa is the real one as theres all these mall santas
they capture the kids so the kids dont squeal and da news picks this story up prettuy quick
in the ship tthe slaave from b4 shows em what the controls do
the dad comes up and rides his a55 and the kids hide in the coontrol box
at da northe pole the kids escape and the mars guysccome out voldar bickers with dad and reveals the kids got oot
1 space guy goes after em and the kids come across a really cr-ppy bear costume
at least we dong see it b0ning like wearwold sasquatch dracule with that keanu movie
after he's doone they see a big a55 robot that catches em and is by ther voldar
voldar wants em crushed and dad had robot done so it wont work for voldar
dad has the kids taken back and voldar is p-ssed that they aint a war people like they used to be
ust like with japan being bada55 in the 40s but candya66 today
so they go ino santas shop with the robot and santa is impressed by how well its made
so the mars bboys come in and use a freeze gun to stun the elves and santa thinks they iced his men
btw it froze em with their eyes open so they'll go blinde by the time it wears off
they also stun mrs claus
so the robot has become a toy somehow and they just leave
so the news reports that santa was abducted by martians like its the weekly world news and the earth plans to use a rocket
this was made before the ALLEGED moon landing so for its time, it was ipressive to the 50s kids
like 2001 a space odyssey
only this actally has sh-t happening!!
so santa is having a positive effect on the entraedi and voldar dont like it
wow, robotech ripped this ooff too!!
also tommy wiseau makes us feel positive too
the kids are bummed as they lead the space monkeys to santa and santa comforts em
slave brings em food and santa sezz he makes him laff
the food is jjust pills like star trek in that em where they had to make the aliens feel human with human vices
so voldar is p-ssed again and wants to ice the kids and acts nice to get em on a grand tour of the ship
step in 2 da grand tour!
shows pan and bra as 90s homie bimbos
so voldar takes em to da air lock and back door billy the kid kknows about how it works
but voldar traps em in there and the kkids know he''s trying to waste em
santa is positive and trys to see the good in hhim but volday sets it to suck em into space to blow apart into chef boy ar dee guts
dad comes in and finds voldar sent the kids and santa to h e double soviet england and they fight badly
but after voldar gets his a55 whipped, santa comes in and sez its all ust an accident and he and the kids escaped in an air duct
ike those things the gaijin from india call you to sell cleaning for
so they make it to soviet mars and want voldar to stand trial
but slave was caught and tied up by voldar who gotta wayy
santa and the kids come over and see the mars kids who are bummed and they all laugh
mwanwhile, voldar wants to whack santa like khyron wanted to bust the SDF 1
also santa started a toy thing to make toys for the mars kids
but santa thinks just pushing a button to make toys cheapens it
also the kkids from urt are devolving itno mars style soul less kids
and slave is told to fatten up to fit in the santa suit so he eats pills
the he does clothes stuffing to look fatter and puts on a beard and the suit
as slave goes down to make toys with out request, vaoldor and his goons f with the machine and hide
they catch slav in a santa suit and bring him back to their lair and later the good guys think slave went out in his suit to have fun
bbtw, according to imdb, thhuis fil predicted the US Space Force
President Trump made this film canon!
so Santa makes the toy machine go and all the towys are f'd together like heads swapped or a base ball tennis racket
meannewhile, the bad guys leave and set up a dinintigration field so iff slave leaves he'd be dusted
so the good guys figger out the bad guys stole slave and voldar sez he's got santa and his demands are for them to stop trying to make mars for american and send santa back
then they see santa and dad hholds em at blaster point and sez santa has powers and tells his men to do sh-t
he traps em in a closet and in the cave, slave changes lightbulbs to try to stop the nucular (its sauid lie that) curtain
he then escapes and in da base, voldar and his minion beat up dad and say they'e gonna bash the machine and stop santa
but back door billy hears em and outs em to santa
santa; so we meet again eh?
me; santa's canadian?! i thought hee was polish or german or w/e
so voldar confronts santa and santa unleashes his toys that spazz out and fire bubbles like milons secret castle and the kids bap him with whiffle bats
its a cluster f--k of random sh-t and i love it
minion sees slave show up and is gonna ice him but sdad comes to and stops him
so voldar is beaten by toys like in roboptech how the zentraedi were beat by music
later, santa and the kkids are gonna go home and slave is the new mars santa and santa is nice and cheerful and heartwarming
then we see the space ship going off and stars and the song horray for santy claus as the earth comes ip
then the words to the song come up on screen after the credits
the end
that was sooo bad its fun
its entertaining, silly, offbeat and weird
its not normal but then again, burger meister meister burger and a camel calls quarter past 5 aint either
its a jolly time and if you dont mind it being random and zany, its a good watch
its only like 80 mins and has goood flow so it dont drag or feel long
i liked it and its a positive time thats only in the 60s when we got weird a55 Christmas things
For Santa Claus Conquers The Martians 2 i want voldor to escape and start an underground uprising for the people of mars to try to reclaim their old ways to putrge the cheer and joy or mas. But The new Santa has attained Xmas Powers from being the Mars Santa and has to take em on by going in their cave bases and space areas and cyber tech stuff and using his Xmas glitter blasts on em to turn em happy. Its also a 16 bit Sega Genesis, Snes, Gba, Tg16 and Atari Jaguar game where you play as him and go around this area and cheer up all the bad martians who use lazer blasts on you and you gotta heal in pods around the area.
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