Thursday, December 10, 2020

Around The World In 80 Days Review

 note; this is a long a55 film so imma sprll bad

around the world in 80s days

this is my review on artound the world in 80 days from 1956

its directed by mike andedrson who did the 50s 1984, the shoes of the fisherman, logans run, orca, and millennium

it stars david niven, shirley maclaine (wo i hear is into the occult or w/e) robert newton, Robert Morley, noel coward, charles boyer, Evelyn Keyes, red skelton, Cedric Hardwicke, ronald coleman, peter lorre, cesar romero, Melville Cooper, Reginald Denny, Marlene Dietrich, John Carradine, the horrible frank sinatra, the wonderful buster keaton, the delightful andy devine, and marion ross from spongebob

and thats just the ones i know!!

i never saw this b4 but did see the pinky and the brain ver, the aliin and the chimpmunks ver (i think(was that real?)) and my dad read me the classics illustrated comic in the 90s

it won da oscar bak when that meant something and is based on the book by ules verne

so it starts with a guy saying much of jules vernes cr-p he made came true and they show a voyage to the moon and how one day we may go to the moon to see if he's right

in the 50s that had hope, but now its seen by gyys who say it was fake

then the screen expands to wide screen and shows a modern day rokket synchron in attack mode

then it shows da urth from space and how we can circle da urth in less than 80 hours

then its 1972 and the confederacy is rebuilding after beating the wicked yankees in the civil war and winning the freedom they wanted

but this is soviet eengland under reign of their devant regent and in tthis brit mo club 1 guy is scared of ice in drinks as its from America

we kicked yo candy a55es in 1776! don't make us do it again!

1 guy outside drives a big wheel 1800s bike to da employment office and dont gotta chain it up as the gaijin didnt invade england yet

1 club guy b--ches aboit main guy, fogg being nutsnd evil cuz of all his ocd demands

also no one knows anything abot him or where he gets his cash

then bike guy offers to take thee job theb--ching guy has(mexiicans comming to take err jerbs!!)

at fogg kings place he tells bike guy to be eact at his autism

later at da club, fogg figgers outstuff about a bank robbery w/o being told as hes the big bang theory guy in the slavery days

da conversation leads to da urth being small and fogg sez a man can go around the globe in 80 days and th club sez he's full of sh-t

they agree to bet him 20 000 britmo yen he cant do it

so bike gaijin is called fogg and he takes the dumb waiter and sez he has 10 mins to get ready

he gets a bag and fills it woth cash and sez to watch it and bkemo zes he'd cherih it like a woman

fogg; dont maek love to it, jjust wwatch it

me; imagine him b0ning the money bag!

so later, after getting slapped by a chick he talks to (femministm!!) thhey go ooff and fogg tells bike mo the trip route and allthe chicks they;d see there

wait, its not dogg its a tour travel guide and fogg ses an avalanche  has fd the train route and travel guy offers em a balloon

grandpa; da gov don't own the skys! you could live in a balloon!

soo they go up in a balloon and flys for severa mins to music

at da club da guys somehow hear hes in da alps in a balloon and chat aboot eet

soo the foggo is heading to sooviet franch and ends his iike slave up to fix the gas thing

he falls off and screams as he splatters like a pig thrown off a building


they landd in i think mexico and he has his slave ask eem stuff and its reealed they in spain

then wheres all the blondes?

like dorothy catelonia, eric lecarde and vega/balrog?

so after this mexico guy dances on a table like he's valentino in that scene with william hootkins, bike slae dances with a red dress chik

theres some turks there and wait, it wasnt biike mo, and he fogg mo asks them to use the yacht

wait it was the bike mo and turnk wants to see bike mo ina bull fiht cuz he used a table coloth in a matardor way

so theres a bullfighting match and bike slave is freaked out but does well so foggus gets the yacht to go to soviett france

at the club they bet on if fogg will make it and on the odds

also the bank guy from b4 thinks fogg jacked the bank and sends da brit cops after him

jokes on you! they dont got guns!

so on da way to the democratic republic of mongolia, the cook sez the climate is getting hot and they gonna change the meals to deal with it

but fogg sez he's eeaten the same thing every thursday for years and will have a lot of hot food

thats some big bang theory right there

1 guy on da boat talx with brike mo about soviet india and he wants to know of the chicks

in the not as bad as today iindia, fogg i tailed by this boat guy who is sent for the bank money thing

bikey uses his coat to bull fighter a cow away from a chick he wants to b0ne and the cow worshippers chase him through the townn

so bike guy trys (i think hes the bank guy actuallu but i might be wrong) to get the local cops to arrestt the fogg ut they say no

so bikey gets on the moving train with fogg as hes chased by gaijin and they see cr-p in the countryside like elephants and stuff from street fighter ii

is this where street fighter ii got it from? a grand tour of zaa warudo?

on da train they chat with a guy who fought a psycho cult called the thuggs and they worship a wicked goddess and chop peolple up

is that real?

so then they find the next 50 miles to track are not finishhed and they gotta find their ownn way

fogg gained 2 days of travel on the boat and theygo through da jungle on a big a55 elephant he buys for 1000 pounds

thhats like 2 fat chicks! or 1 really fat chick!!

in da jungle they finda demon ritual where the cult is doing stuff and they are gonna ritual sacrifice a chick by cookeing her with her rich husbands body

the guide sez da chick was edcated in soviet england and they choose to save her a55

as the general who told em about the cult plans with fogg on what to do, bike mexico goes in

just like the opposite of shin godzilla where they j-rked off for 2 hours talking about drafting a bill whn this abomination was b0ning the city dead

so biikemo fakes being the husband and gets out of the wrappings and the cult members book it as he saves the chick

so fogg mo gets arrsted and skips town after posting bond and heads for once  free hong kong

wtf this is is 14+ in soviet cananda and 12+ in portugal

they have roaming cannibals in canda but can't have a 50s movie?!

so fogg chats wiith chick and she sez she was only married in name to the guy and saw him once whn she was 07 b4 being sent to sovet england to be devolved

so boat guy is malcontent over not getting the back cash yet and bribes a boat guy to get info on where foggs going next

why not wait for him in england? hes gonna return in under 3 months. and you know where hes gona be

also he got their bond posted at 1000 yen a piece and is disgruntled fogg paid it

so in pre soviet hong kong they fiind they can''t drop off chick and gotts keep her with em

bike mo chats with boat guy and has a drink wiith him and sez hes a pro detecitve and thhathe wants fogg for jacking da bank

bike mo wont betray da master and boat guy puts something funny in his drink and he blacks out

he wakes up and is on a boat as peter lorre is there and probably b0ned him

lorre sez hes there alone and bike mo sez his cash is gone

boat mo chats to fogg and fogg gets another boat to go to yokohama and then to soviet san fran sicko

so bike mo is in imperial japan in the meiji era and ogg comes by and looks for bikeo

they find him in a perfroming house and they go off too soviet san fran sicko

then theres intermission and the enter act and in san fran sicscoi think its independence day or soomething an deveryones celebrating at night

they go to a saloon and eat and boat guy comes by looking for bike mo, wait its fog

outside they meet boat guy and he sez he's taking his relative around to different drs

a texas gets in a fight with fogg and fogg uses a stck to beat him down

o they take da rail roade and after buffalo crossings they reunite with the teas who is gonna have a duel with pistols with fogg

but inidans aytack and bbike meoco goes on the roof to save the head train guys fromthe indians(the drivers)

he falls off da train and flags down a wagon to drive himas they are chased by indians

he gets caught and is gonna be burned at the atake like they amish but he gets out (i waas putting away mu yugioh cards so i didnt see) and they use a sail on a cart to ride the train tracks

at da club word gets thhere that foogg jacked da bank and booked it to pre soviet venezuala cyz of the boat he was said to have gone on

on da boat they run outta coal and andy devine is driving and not telling tall tales to get space monsters after him

they got 3 dayss left andfogg buys the boat and as new capptan, haas em burn everything on da boat for fuel

cant do that on clean energy

they run outta wood and start throwing crewmen in the ovens for their body fat to cook


so they run outta wood but make it to land and fogg gives back the boat

so he gets back to da club andthey accuse him ofbank robbing andhe's taken to jaile

but the real robber is caught and boat uy sez sorry but foo tells him he s-cked

but now they ddidnt make it in time to da club and go home annd hes bummed as he aint got friends and lost the bet

chick comforts him and mexican bike coems in saying its really satruday anc they still have 10 mins left

fogg realizes they crozssed the date line through time zones and they gaind an extra day

what is this?! time travel?!

so they go to the club and driver gets the hick ups and his horse a55 wont move  for anyone else driving

fogg goes on and gets delayed by a  street preacher and eventually gets there just as time is about to up

chick comes into the club and the guys spazz out for a girl in their clubhouse

he sez is the end of the brittish empire and then, this is, the end, and the credits roll for like 6 mins to cool animation recaping da filme

the end

that was actually quite goood

i liked it

its like 3 hours but dont feel like it

sorta like birth of a nation or gone with the wind

good acting, good fun, no swearing or nude scenes or graphic vioence or blood or poop

aka not by go nagai

its a clean wholesome entertaining funpositive cheerful lite movie thats bright and has good color

too bad its super wide screen but some versions fix that

but i enjoyed this and its worthh sittin through for like 3 hours

oh snap, theres exit msuic

good music and fun and it holds up today

for around the wold in 80 days i want it to be about his son who's with the princess they saved to try to prove himself by going around the world top to bottom. but along the poles he finds tropical zones with mammoths and ancient animals thought to be exxtinct and its run by daemons and devolved people and he has to escape using 1900s tech and make it to the club in time for the bet. also its a 128 bit sega dreamcast, game cube, ps2 and xbox game where you go thhrough towns and each level is annother day and each has objectives to doo and has you going around in a 3d worlrd like castlevania legacy of darkness.

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