Friday, December 11, 2020

Countess Dracula Review

 note; i ccan count but not spell

countess dreacula

this is my review on countess dracula from 1971

i saw some of this on comet b4 bt just the last bit

its by hammer studios and is basec on elizabeth bartley from castlevania and the chick who chopped up chicks

its directed by peter sasdy who did a buncha hammer films in soviet england

so after soe 1600s guys go somewhere, we get opening crediiys and title ans then the countess rides in a horse thing

the pesents beg for help but she has em whipped off and goes to her castle

so her husband bit it and they have a reading to see his wishs

he had his stuff given to his homies and countess gets her share split equally with his kid

she's p-ssed and dont wwanna follow it and the kid has been out since shewas like 6 to escape da turks

a guy wants countess but shedont care

she wants to take a bat but its too hot and her slave puts cold water but she puts slaves hand in the water to test it and burns it

after an issue with a knive cuts the slaves face and countess gets blood on her, she goes up to he slaves room an it cuts to kids sining ring around the rosey (a song about the black plague)

so the slave vanished and people look for her

her butt buddy comes to countess and finds her young again

is this some kinda age tf fetish thing?

is she gonna de age into a kid?

so the daughter is comming and utt buddy's men have her cart acked andcapture her ad probably b0ne her dead

btw, this is based on actual events and real people

so they can put it on the history channel with the teas chainsaw massacre and boogie nights

so countess now youngfakes being her daughter and they mention blood in wine color and flowers

also she says her mom had secret butt buddys and outs her butt buddy as being it

but ecvryone laffs so they might htink its a joke

so daughter is kept hostage and alive and countesssflirts with a soldier or something whos gay for her

huh, this was 18+ in soviet asutralia, ireland, netherlands and england and was pg in America

buncha candya55es

purge the abominations from out blue and pure world

so later its night and alien soldier goes up to her roo and lirbary guy sees em

so countess b0nes the csoldier and i was trying to get youtube to work as a drop of spit got on my touch pad an hour ago and my p o s laptop is still f';d by it and spaing out so i missed a bit

then i think the gypsies come over as theres a weird dance by chicks in bikini tops and mc hammer pants

so countess devoles to her real self and butt buddy wants her to not chop up chicks for their blood to keep her young

countess sez this geeer slave's daughter was caught in a flood and later people are whining about how countess is up to something bad about her kid and some chicks are worried about their missing kids

countesstalks to a gypsy toget her fortune told (witchcraft! theres stuff in the bible against that!) who se she'd be young at heart again

countess shanks her and come out later young and tells her soldier bf her moms in her room

they they b0ne and she hides the shank in th hay they are b0ning in

he thinks hes not worthy for a countess as hes just a commoner like in adisneys aladdin

later read daughter trys to eacape and get her foot out a hole in the walls a55 but a cossack kisses it as hes got a foot fetish

ome kids find the shanked gypsy and we see her nips

later , butt buddy b--ches about countess wanting to marry soldier and she gets grosses each time the blood wears off

is this a thing on ritual sacrifice how some people used blood to cleanse sins?

later thery talk of a chick drained of blood atta bar

so at nighr countss goes out and decrodesand i think gets locked outta her home

aat da bar this belly dancercomes outand does a dance

soldier sezz to butt buddy they otta have a double wedding with butt buddy marrying cuntess and him weeding daughter

whhat is this? Saved By The Bell?

so this barmaiid sez the countess is into the black arts like everyone in holly wood andwont go to her castle

at da castle the countess does a Rosary and freaks out at her rotting face in a mirror

butt buddy, alien sovler and barmaid go to da castle and baermaid  b0nes soldier

butt buddy meeds libraian who goes around the castlevania with a map of hidden areas

butt buddy goes to the hiddenn room with countess all devolved andse she f'd him

is this a thing on drugs?

the more you use it, the worse it f's you?

tonight! On intervention! my gf can't stop bathing in virgin blood!

i'm kinda surprized TLC never had a show about eating poop

they've had worse

so butt buddy takes countess to see soldier b0ning barwh00re buthe didn't b0ne her

so butt buddy pats her a 50 coin that she puts in heer b00bs andoffers 100 for her to b0ne him

good thing da gov didnt invent aids yet

later we see the barchick in with heer b00bs ouut and drained of blood but it dont work oncountess

butt buddy chex the book (the milennium spellbook from yugioh?) and libralieyn is gonna burn the pages and sezonly virgin blood works

he offers to aid her and she tells butt buddy to get virgins

btw, in riki-oh, the 80 year old gay japanese nazi was obcessed with youth and bathed in virgin girl blood

is this where its from?!

is  that arreal thing the elites do??

so butt buddy goes out to buy chicks (boy for salle!!) and he buys  a chick no one wants to b0ne

later, soldier meets countess s=who sez  her daughter went to get flowers

hes nice to her and she se hes the son ofher husbands homie and he'dd want soldier to be well

meanwwhile, daughter ttrys to seduce the cossackand they almost b0ne and she jacks da key annd ewscapes but gets caught and smacked arond

so later librarian is gonna tell soldier but butt buddy has him wacked

but buddy taes alien soldier to the bath room and sees young countss in a blood tub

hr's creeped out and confused and she sez he almost b0ned a h00ker and shes him the body in a closet

so the next day, da guards investigate the librairans icing and they wonder if the daughter missing and gypsy girl found drainedare related

then they find the daughter and its the slave from da start

and the wh-re

so butt buddy figgers the countess will devolve when she runs outta viirgins and da place will be his

is this a thing on how in africa they think b0ning a virgin cures aids?

cu they b0ne newborns now cu they ran outta virgins

plus blood has aids connotations

this movie saw da future!

so i spazzed and was reading about eha anime an manga Crows but when i looked back, the real daughter was found by the maid in the castle and remembered her

maid takes soldier to the dungeon later to meent real daughter and tells em to escape but he sez he's in too deep

she ssez hes innocent as the real daughter and soldier tells real daughtet to escape to the stables as saying shes the countess's daughter wont work

so later theres a weeding and countess is gonna marry ailsin soldier

but then her face devolves and she runs out to shank her daughter

soldier truys to stop her but gets shanked and goe sto h e double africa

later they say the countess is gonna get strung up and they say shes evil an call her countess dracula as she is carted off

the end

that was pretty good

not too gory and just soome blood and b00bs

it goes by at a good rate

not too draging and has flow

good acting

good plot

its well made

i liked it

for countess dracula 2 i want her to be about to be strung up but she akes a pact with a daemon and gains the power to survive the hanging, then she digivolves into a weird la blue girl monster and goes around icing everyone. the daughter goes into hiding by the priests and trains in holy ways and over the next few years, the countess has taken over most of europe. now the daughters training is done and she goes out with a holy axe and is all big and muscley and beefy and goes to slay the abomiination that was oncce her mom to free europe. Its also an 8 bit nes, sega master system, gameboy, game geat, atari jaguar and lynx and tg16 game where you play as her and go around this creepy  light and shadow german expressionist europe to get to her castle to slay her.

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