note; i spell big bad
mig mirracle
this is my review on big miracle form the distant future year of 2012 (The year the SDF 1 fought Dolza's continent sized space foertress in robotech)
it stars drew berrymore, john krasinski, kristin bell, steven root, and has archive footage o sarah pailin
its directed by ken kwapis whpp did dustin checks in tand the sisterhood of the rraveling pasnts 1
i never saw this but its based on a book i never read based on a true storey
so it strts with narrartion from a chick saying her people lived at da edgge of da workd
then we see some mexicans up north hunting a whale
so its soviet alaska in 1988, the year of viiolence jack evil town and transfroers super god master force was made
jim from the office is a reporter doing a thing on a mexican resuatant in alaska as he does a news thing on alaska
then in a bar with the people and sayying he likes being with em as they were nice to him and he's going thrusday
1 kid wants him to go snowmobiling and wait, its filming a guy snowmobilin
but then he sees something in the ice in the distance
idea for a north pole animation (maybe like an intro to a transition to a new scene in a show) a polar bear is on the ice and goes near a hole. then a hundred foot squid reaches out. the bear runs but the squid climbs on land and is colossal and eats it whole.
also theres talk of oil drilling rights for the area and j w gets it
then eco commie drew berrymore comes in with a megaphone and yells that green peace bid on it and whines about the envoronment b4 being taken out back
beat the black off that hippie!
meanwhile, in the frozen wastelands, jim sees whales comming up a hole i the ices a55 to breath
so later jim calls the people in the south and sez 3 whales are stucck in the ice and he wants to do a sotry on iit
his boss agrees and he sattilites the stuff down
later drew sees the news thing on the whales and calls him and whines that he disdnt call her
its revealed she was his ex gf and he sez the natives wanna eat em but she wants to stop them
what next? stopping the native actors in cannibal holocost from eating monkeys?!
so drew wants to send the national guard to save the whales with an ice breaker ship
the politiccial dont wanna rick uman lives for soome phalllic monsters
in america during the honorable reagan years, the news starion needs a minute to full and they wanna use the whales
so jim has this native kid who is the comic relief of this film and jim and kid like this blonde news chick
then they see the whale thing jim shot on tv and word spreads as drew b-ches abut saving those sea monsters at greenpeace
a chick calls drew and sez an oil company has a ice breaker that can help butthey need da national guard to send a chopper
this chick is j w's wife (j w is ted danson from cheers or w/e)
ted finds out and whines about drew and his wooman sez he'd get good press if he saved da whales so he changes his tooon
why not jjust blast hole in da ice with yo ki?
works in dbz
so jjim or maybe another guy reports that its 5 miles to the sea and wgales can't last that long w/o air
in reagans ameerica, blonde dont like her coworkers thinking the whalle story doont count
sp j w gets a bada55 to gget tthe ice breaker andd thinks its cr-p
so later drew goes up to the frozen north annd gives jjim aa present she didnt get to give him b4 he dumped her
so later, im gets kid some 80s music tapes and they havve a meeting where drew bashes the natives for wanting to eat whallee
spoiler; other whales eat whales
imagine if an india guy went to texas annd b--ched about eating steer?
so the native guy makes good points about wanting to feed his famm annd teaching his kids the traditional ways
like my dad making slovenian blood sausage like his dad did
so the native leader decides to free the walles
later the leadeer goes to da whale hole and chainsaws the ice openn mote
so jim meets blonde and hes a fan but he orders a big food for hher
shes trying to stay thin even though guys like curvy chicks with big heavy butts and he sez she needs 10 000 calories a day to survive the artic cold
sso later blonde wannts a ride to da whhales and drew dont like it cuz a superior chick is too much fior her
so they go to da ice hole annd the wales are fred wilma and bamm bamm
bam bbam is kinda f'd and no one goes down as theese big a55 whales can bust orca if they feel threatened
just do the spock thing to calm them
also a big load of ice is comming undar eater to f em
also g h w bush is rrunning for presidenttannd the news is f ing things
so blonde is getting fd by the ice and drew is gonna go under the ice water to help the beluga fish
the whale whips out its 7 foot d0ng and b0nes her dead
jk
really she cutz a net from the whales tail
look at that boundless abyss they are in, the black sea goes on forever
its beautiful but scary
later 1 native has the kid lesten to the ice and they hear the whale songs
im pretty sure that dont work
then j w comes by and whale splashes him and he laffs
so drew sez the future is f'd if we dont care for the enviroment and jim cutz the recordin and asks her to lighten up and talk about the sea monkeys
so later j w's woman calls the army guy to meet the Prez but he dont wanna and she calls backa ndtrys again
so later bam bam mmigh have ammonia and president rreagan does stuff
so later jim plays scrabble withh drew and kid gives drew a guns n roses tape and sez axl rose sings like a whale and to play it for the whales
2 guys rom the twin citeis offer drew deicers to keep da whale hole open but she dont care
so its like -0 out there and the ice is freezing over and drew gets the twin cities gguys de icers
so meanwhile jim is with drunk blonde and drew calls asking for a generator
so meanwhile, the chippers are in like 70 below 0 (SUB ZERO WINS) and they start f ing out as 1 guys eye freezes closed
so they save the whales with the heaters and generators and blonde reporter gets good reviews for her work
and jim gets an offer for working
later, the ice breaker felll in ann ice thing and the choppers crashed and it won't make itt in time
so people cut more ice holes andd the soviets might help with an ice breaker as they live in a frozen wasteland but reaGAN IS WARY OF TTRUSTINGG THEM
so da whales dont wanna leave until their kid is better
soo the maiin guys havve a meeting aboot what to doo and drew sez shhes gonna blamme Reagan on wwhalles biting it to ruin G H W Bush's election
even though the soviets are big a55 whalers
just like commies, supporting the bad guys and bashin the good guys for doing far less bad things
So Reagan gets Gorby on da phonoe and they get the ssoviet ice breaker on the road
So then bam bamm bites it annd the moie has its sad moment where it trys to makkee us cry 75% through it
jim goes tto drew who's spazzing out and coomforts her
so ted danzon has a peace moment with drew and eventually the ice breaker soovviet one comes
so they bust da ice and da wwhalles go but the playces they head have holes cutr by people that froze over by now
so da sovviet boatviot plows through more ice and to the open sea and da whales get oout annd aplash around
so ythe people go back home and we see what happened to em after
things went well for most and they got green peace membership up cu of 3 whaales getting aids or w.e
main guy turned downn big roles and stayed in anchorage (whereever that is) annd kid and grandpa demetto stayed in their frozen hh-ll up north and live there now
the end
that wwas pretty good
wait, then in credits we see footage from the real thing
but i liked this
its mostly cllean with a few monir swears that is around Simpsons level
good effets and acting and i shows the oil guys as not evil
iit tells a story well and i likes films based on real things
its a decent film that;s worrth a watch and isnt too rough
for Big Moracle 2 i want it to be the 90s and theres a weird thing seen under the ice near the village. turns out, its a super collossal squid thats over 100 feet long and its eatib whales. also when it senses the ki of anything near the surface it busts through and eats em. usually polar bears but some times people. also the gov is after it and is gonna use it against the soviets who are still around. Its also a 16 bit sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar tg16 and gba game where you play as the squid and go through underwater levels lie ecco the dolphin and fight sea daemons.
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