Saturday, December 19, 2020

Big Miracle Review

 note; i spell big bad

mig mirracle

this is my review on big miracle form the distant future year of 2012 (The year the SDF 1 fought Dolza's continent sized space foertress in robotech)

it stars drew berrymore, john krasinski, kristin bell, steven root, and has archive footage o sarah pailin

its directed by ken kwapis whpp did dustin checks in tand the sisterhood of the rraveling pasnts 1

i never saw this but its based on a book i never read based on a true storey

so it strts with narrartion from a chick saying her people lived at da edgge of da workd

then we see some mexicans up north hunting a whale

so its soviet alaska in 1988, the year of viiolence jack evil town and transfroers super god master force was made

jim from the office is a reporter doing a thing on a mexican resuatant in alaska as he does a news thing on alaska

then in a bar with the people and sayying he likes being with em as they were nice to him and he's going thrusday

1  kid wants him to go snowmobiling and wait, its filming a guy snowmobilin

but then he sees something in the ice in the distance

idea for a north pole animation (maybe like an intro to a transition to a new scene in a show) a polar bear is on the ice and goes near a hole. then a hundred foot squid reaches out. the bear runs but the squid climbs on land and is colossal and eats it whole.

also theres talk of oil drilling rights for the area and j w gets it

then eco commie drew berrymore comes in with a megaphone and yells that green peace bid on it and whines about the envoronment b4 being taken out back

beat the black off that hippie!

meanwhile, in the frozen wastelands, jim sees whales comming up a hole i  the ices a55 to breath

so later jim calls the people in the south and sez 3 whales are stucck in the ice and he wants to do a sotry on iit

his boss agrees and he sattilites the stuff down

later drew sees the news thing on the whales and calls him and whines that he  disdnt call her

its revealed she was his ex gf and he sez the natives wanna eat em but she wants to stop them

what next? stopping the native actors in cannibal holocost from eating monkeys?!

so drew wants to send the national guard to save the whales with an ice breaker ship

the politiccial dont wanna rick uman lives for soome phalllic monsters

in america during the honorable reagan years, the news starion needs a minute to full and they wanna use the whales

so jim has this native kid who is the comic  relief of this film and jim and kid like this blonde news chick

then they see the whale thing jim shot on tv and word spreads as drew b-ches abut saving those sea monsters at greenpeace

a chick calls drew and sez an oil company has a ice breaker that  can help butthey need da national guard to send a chopper

this chick is j w's wife (j w is ted danson from cheers or w/e)

ted finds out and whines about drew and his wooman sez he'd get good press if he saved da whales so he changes his tooon

why not jjust blast hole in da ice with yo ki?

works in dbz

so  jjim or maybe another guy reports that its 5  miles to the sea and wgales can't  last that long w/o air

in reagans ameerica, blonde dont like her coworkers thinking the whalle  story doont count

sp j w gets a bada55 to gget tthe ice breaker andd thinks its cr-p

so later drew goes up to the frozen north annd gives jjim aa present she didnt get to give him b4 he dumped her

so later, im gets kid some 80s music tapes and they havve a meeting where drew bashes the natives for wanting to eat whallee

spoiler; other whales eat whales

imagine if an india guy went to texas annd b--ched about eating steer?

so the native guy makes good points about wanting to feed his famm annd teaching his  kids the traditional ways

like my dad making slovenian blood sausage like his dad did

so the native leader decides to free the walles

later the leadeer goes to da whale hole and chainsaws  the ice openn mote

so jim meets blonde and hes a fan but  he orders a big food for hher

shes trying to stay thin even though guys like curvy chicks with big heavy butts and he sez  she needs 10 000 calories  a day to survive the artic cold

sso later blonde wannts a ride to da whhales and drew dont  like it cuz a superior chick is too much fior her

so they go to da ice hole  annd the wales are fred wilma and bamm bamm

bam bbam is kinda f'd and no one goes down as theese big a55 whales can bust orca if they feel threatened

just do the spock thing to calm them

also a big load of  ice is comming undar eater to f em

also g h w bush is rrunning for presidenttannd the news is  f ing things

so blonde is getting fd by the ice and drew is gonna go under the ice water to help the beluga fish

the whale whips out its 7 foot d0ng and b0nes her dead


really she cutz a net from the whales tail

look at that boundless abyss they are in, the black sea goes on forever

its beautiful but scary

later 1 native has the kid lesten to the ice and they hear the whale songs

im pretty sure that dont work

then j w comes by and whale splashes him and he laffs

so drew sez the future is f'd if we dont care for the enviroment and jim cutz the recordin and asks her to lighten up and talk about the sea monkeys

so later j w's woman calls the army guy to meet the Prez but he dont wanna and she calls backa ndtrys again

so later bam bam mmigh have ammonia and president rreagan does stuff

so later jim plays scrabble withh drew and kid gives drew a guns n roses tape and sez axl rose sings like a whale and to play it for the whales

2 guys rom the twin citeis offer drew deicers to keep da whale hole open but she dont care

so its like -0 out there and the ice is freezing over and drew gets the twin cities gguys de icers

so meanwhile jim is with drunk blonde and drew calls asking for a generator

so meanwhile, the chippers are in like 70 below 0 (SUB ZERO WINS) and they start f ing out as 1 guys eye freezes closed

so they save the whales with the heaters and generators and blonde reporter gets good reviews for her work

and jim gets an offer for working

later, the ice breaker felll in ann ice thing and the choppers crashed and it won't make itt in time

so people cut more ice holes andd the soviets might help with an ice breaker as they live in a frozen wasteland but reaGAN IS WARY OF TTRUSTINGG THEM

so da whales dont wanna leave until their kid is better

soo the maiin guys havve a meeting aboot what to doo and drew sez shhes gonna blamme Reagan on wwhalles biting it to ruin G H W Bush's election

even though the soviets are big a55 whalers

just like commies, supporting the bad guys and bashin the good guys for doing far less bad things

So Reagan gets Gorby on da phonoe and they get the ssoviet ice breaker on the road

So then bam bamm bites it annd the moie has its sad moment where it trys to makkee us cry  75% through it

jim goes tto drew who's spazzing out and coomforts her

so ted danzon has a peace moment with drew  and eventually the ice breaker soovviet one comes

so they bust da ice and da wwhalles go but the  playces they head have holes cutr by people that froze over by now

so da sovviet boatviot plows through more ice and to the open sea and da whales get oout annd aplash around

so ythe people go back home and we see what happened to em after

things went well for most and they got green peace membership up cu of 3 whaales getting aids or w.e

main guy turned downn big roles and stayed in anchorage (whereever that is) annd kid and grandpa demetto stayed in their frozen hh-ll up north and live there now

the end

that wwas pretty good

wait, then in credits we see footage from the real thing

but i liked this

its mostly cllean with a few monir swears that is around Simpsons level

good effets and acting and i shows the oil guys as not evil

iit tells a story well and i likes films based on real things

its a decent film that;s worrth a watch and isnt too rough

for Big Moracle 2 i want it to be the 90s and theres a weird thing seen under the ice near the village. turns out, its a super collossal squid thats over 100 feet long and its eatib whales. also when it senses the ki of anything near the surface it busts through and eats em. usually polar bears but some times people. also the gov is after it and is gonna use it against the soviets who are still around. Its also a 16 bit sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar tg16 and gba game where you play as the squid and go through underwater  levels lie ecco the dolphin and fight sea daemons.

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