Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Catwoman Review

note; cats have aids and so do my spelling
cat woman
this is my review of catwoman(the 00s one)
it starts with like 4 silid minutes of slow credits and cat images
wt denise denovi did this
she did those tyim burton things
then it starts with hale berry dead in the water
just like sunset bulivard
she narrates a flashback that's gonna take up like 1/3rd of the film
she makes adds for beauty cr-p
alex borstein from mad tv and nothing else of note is using the new make up and her head aches
its cooking her brains
then Sharon stone sez shes stepping down as the face of the company and a younger girl takes her place
like getting a playstation and selling ur genesis
halle berry gets her a55 busted by da boss over her cr-ppy art
but Sharon stone defends her and she gets another shot
later(the next scene) a cat lures her out of her high floor building and she risks her life for a dumba55 cat
cats live 5-14 years
humans around 10x dat
Benjamin bratt from law and order comes by as a cat and tries to talk her outta jumping
she falls and hes suddenly in her window and saves her
is he the flash?!
after that she suddenly books it for her deadline
meanwhile Sharon stone is disgruntled over her adds replaced with the new chick
don't shoot the place up
later benny comes by the workplace and the chicks and gay guy lust after him
hes no Rudolph valenino
or ramon Navarro
or ricardo cortez(whjo was actually Austrian jewish but latin lovers were trendy in the 20s)
he invites halle to coffee and the alex borstein and gay guy suggest she shaves her legs and wear a leather outfit
this isn't slayers and shes no naga the white serpent
later its night and Sharon stone and her science nerds find the new cr-p rots peoples faces and gets em addicted
gally berry finds out and the suits hunt her down
they go through the building (which would make a good level in the sega game)and she falls into a waste pipe
so the suits flush a cg her out the pipe and into the ocean
is this gotham?
wheres batman?
wheres penguin?
wheres Christopher walken?
shes dead
the end
for catwoman 2 I want it to be a p0rn0 and star the Digimon/Robotech cast
a sega dreamcast level cgi cat mews a bit and walks on her as other cats stand around have a weird ritual to revive her
cgi cat breathes into her(oh its the one she nearly bit it on the ledge) and shes alive and wigged out
I gotta say I do like the lighting and cgi in here
its kinda cozy in that early 00s way
bright and nice
she comes back home, punches a window, crawls in and the next day wakes up on a shelf when the phone rings
benny calls her saying hes waited long enuff 4 coffee and is going back 2 work
oh and the cgi cat is with her
she takes it back to its owner (name on paper on collar) and shes a crazy cat lady
cat lady sez cgi cat has super powers from being a Egyptian temple cat
so its a daemon
hally berry is gonna go but cat chick gives her catnip and she gets stoned
cut to her back t work and her boss busts her a55 over not having the designs
she back sasses him and gets canned
all the girls and gay guys at the office cheer
later she sez she was possessed and wasn't in control
a dog barks at her and she hisses
I usually make loud high pitched sounds at em
hally sees a necklace jewel and alex borsch blacks out and gets hospitalized out of most of the movie
later benny is giving the cop talk to give kids hope
but they just care about his gun
in kindergarten a cop came by to talk to the class and said his bullets were cookies and the kids laughed
oh da 90z
btw if this was made today the cops would be the bad guys and catwoman would be wasting em
also the cop she has the hots for would turn on his fellow cops
hally berry joins em for no reason and played b ball with him
yeah cuz they let strangers into a grade school
she does ninja cat movies some would call racist cuz shes GOOD AT B BALL and BLAAAAAAAAAAACK!!
also theres this weird music video like fun thing going on the way its being filmed
later Sharon stone breaks glass with her iron hard hands
alext broinston calls Hallie barrie as harroie berrie does weird ninja cat moves
at night she hears loud neighbors in her building and goes down to hassle em
they slam da door in her a55 but she breaks it down and breaks their cr-p on their property and threatens em
gotta be honest
shes kind of a d-ck
then we get a montage of her cutting her hair and getting a leather outfit on(not a leather bikini like naga from slayers)
she rides to the jewel store but its being jacked already
she confronts em and they empty their guns into where she was
but she don't get hit and ninja moves em down
its always women beating up men
but a guy gets 1 hit on the chick attacking him and HEs the bad guy
she wakes up the next day and the jewels they were jacking are on her bed
she puts em all in a bag but the necklace
then at the jewel store the owner sez the jewels were from Egypt
what is this? Yugioh?!
oh and the jewel bag is there
harrie baeer looks up cats in Egypt and returns to the cat lady
cat lady tells harie barie about the pagan cat goddess who cats work for
sounds like bad sailor moon or saint Seiya
cat lady sez hallie berry bit it and cgi cat saw she'd bite it and tested her by going on the window
also now shes free to be a catwoman and has heightened senses
I gotta say this rips off both devilman and the crow
wasn't catwoman in the comics just a chick with a cat fetish who jacks jewels?
its night again and cgi Hallie barrie jumps around roofs like the tick
she recognizes the guy who shot at her and stalks him
what, is this ripping off Robocop too?
at a bar she orders a cup of cream
shes gonna get faaaaaaaaaaaat
also shes in a leather bikini top like naga but naga wore a thong instead of leather pants
oh and Hallie berry has a whip
she fights the guy who killed her outside  and he has no chance
oh and shes got blade fingers
just like in the crow she interrogates him and he sez theres something wrong with the new cr-p product
then I think she kills him offscreen
at the company she finds the science nerd dead and is seen so she books it
the next day she visits alex born in a box and on tv it sez catwoman iced him
she has alex bobbit stop using the cream
harir berry sends benny a sorry coffee but he notices its similar to the sorry on the jewel bag
but the expert sez they were 2 different personalities doing it
just like in Yugioh how theres yugi and the other yugi(who kills people) sharing a body
later (how many days does this movie take place over?!) ben and haries beries are at rthe carnival and the ferris wheel busts
she does ninja cr-p and saves a kid
I recently realized her cut hair looks like a french Canadian man
that night she cuts a glass door with her claws(wtf how sharp are they?! and what r they made of?!) and fights Sharon stone
she tells Sharon stallone her husband is doing evil with the cr-ppy face cream and shareon sends her to him at an opera house(or maybe a circus) with the new model
she slices his face and tells him she knows of the cr-p cream
then books it in cgi as the cops arrive
she fights benny in the area above the circus as this light swings by em
they have a weird b0ning fight with a power cable as a ref to batman returns b4 the cops show up and she jams the cable in the power thing to kill the lights and escape
sharon stine busts her husbands a55 over little things
what a b--ch
later at a sushi restaurant date with benny she eats the fish off sashimi (they call it sushi cuz they're RACIST!!!!!!!!!)
they talk for a while and grow closer
later she almost sez shes cat woman (in a scene better done with michael Keaton in batman) but it rains and she freaks out
they go back to her place and b0ne offscreen
does this make him a furry?
after b0ning he finds her catwoman claw and gets a glass with her prints on it
she wakes up and gets a call from Sharon stingher saying they can stop her husband
benny uses cop science to match catwomans lip prints to Hallie beries mouth prints on da ciup
at starons place she reveals she iced her husband and framed catwoman with claw marks
Sharon calls her men and they see catwoman there b4 she books it
the next day halie berir comes home and finds benny waiting with his fiearm
he knows hes no match for her but talks her into going quietly
all evidence sez harie berie did it
but she sez when tey 1st met all evidence said she was gonna jump
in jail the cat visits her and she squeezes through the bars in a "totally possible" way
she jumps out a window and carjacks a guy
at the factory she sabotages the trucks by chaining the wheels together and when one drives it busts em all
benny talks with Sharon stone in private about him suspecting her
se caps him but b4 se can finish him, catwpman saves his a55
they go UP the building for some reason
I notice this is a lot like cutey honey\
Benjamin bratt is seiji Hayami
Hallie berry is cutey honey
Sharon stone is sister jill
alex bot plug is natsuko
Hallie beat on Sharon stone and reveals Sharon iced her
but Sharon has iron skin from the cream
it gives you steel skin?!
use it for military cr-p!
plus if you stop usimng it ur face disintegrates so that keeps the soldiers or dogs in line
Sharon fakes dead and shanks Hallie berie in the leg with glass to gain advantage
she busts Hallie through the window but Hallie gets a 2nd wind and beats her down/slashes her face
the slashes only leave red marks with is amazing as they cut glass
Sharon stonie falls out the window and catches a pipe
but sees her face in the glass and freaks out and falls
benny comes in 9after just j-rkin off to the chicks fighting) and sez if Hallie is in her cell next am it proves shes not cat woman
later she sends benny a break up letter (b--ch!) and walks off into the moon light like in batman returns
the end
that wasn't as bad as everyone said
I heard its one of the worst movies ever
its got logic errors and cr-p but no more than other movies
in the credits
silver butler is an assistant
his name is silver?!
lie the cr-ppy sonic character?!
Michael f gay
is in the credits
sounds like a p0rn0 name
I didn't hate this film
I've seen far worse
this is ok
got some nice 00s effects and cr-p
at least it ripped off cool cr-p
for catwoman e her to find shes pregnant with Benjamin brats kids from b0ning hi that night. also not only is Sharon stone back as the cream cr-p saved her, but she begins transforming into a rock like monster. also alex borstein is turning into a half rocvk mutant from her use of it and is under Sharon stones control. the magic of the cat revival makes her pregnancy faster and she swells up pretty huge but it also gives her more strength and endurance and makes her more of a brawler. and she has to fight through purvurts enlustened by her pregnancy and an ever changing alex and Sharon as bosses. also itds a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis and snes with player 2 as nightwing who's just become free of batman

Monday, August 28, 2017

The Swarm Review

note; my dad knows more about bees than me
the swarm
this is my review on the swarm(70s ver)
its a disaster movie like the Poseidon adventure or the towering inferno
it stars Michael caine who was Austin powers dad in goldmember
its also got the chick who was Melanie from gone with the wind
and I think feed macmurry
I think this was their last film
its by warmer bros
its widescreen
ooh Richard chamberland is in this
and slim pickens from the black hole and blazing saddles
it starts with guys in protection suits going through some place
huh, its based on a book by arthur Herzog (zwei)
so the guys go to the lower levels of the place and find everyone dead
what is this? resident evil?
1 guy takes off his head thing and messages the commanding officer saying everyones dead
but no enemy
then the troops come in
then Michael caine comes out calm and with a sense of superiority
hes always playing smug brittish c-cksuckers who feel they are better than us americans
they get word of a massive thing moving 7 miles per hour 30 miles away
a choppers go to check it out but its a big a55 swarm of bees
somehow it takes down a chopper
then the other one
not sure that's how it works
general brings in caine wjo sez hes been American for 8 years
he followed the bees and came in the base to help anyone
also hes a bug scientist
then he gets p-ssed at us americans and argues with the eneral
caine wants to contact dr conners(not the Spider-Man guy)  and gets louder and angrier to try to get his way
what a b--ch
genera wants cane locked up
then 2 people come out saying they got 4 needing medical help
he changes his mind about locking up cane
the chick who just came out sez it was the bees
then a regular fimily goes out for a picnic
but theres bees nearby!!!\
 well that's the end of them!
the kid goes to the car for like 4 minutes as the rents bugspray the bees
then out of a tree blasts hundreds of bees and the ice the rents
the kid hides in the car
we get slo mo of them getting wacked
hahaha this is baaaaaad
the bees cover the car and kid turns on the wipers and drives
meanwhile a higher rank guy busts generals a55 over saying it was bees
caine sez to check his stats at the white house and they agree
meanwhile the town nearby is having a festival
theres always a festival when theres a nature attack
a cowboy chats with Olivia e haviland (gone with the wind chick) for a while
oh f
its a flower parade
also fred macmurry is into Olivia
then the kid drives in and crashes
hes having an episode
later the high rank guy sez his credentials check out and the prez gave him full authority of the mission
oh joy, the brittish guy is given command of America
this is gonna end well
caine has the americans give him his stuff from his van and contact the people in the list he has
also he sez; da war I feared is happening
the general is not keen on this
and suspects caine being so prepared is suspect
later caine checks out the wounded and a chick sez the bees are near the town
the kid is freakin out after his mind collapsed from the attack
he sees giant bees bees where there are none
caine tells him to reach out and it'll go away
he got stung 2x and it might be f ing his mind
I heard of getting high on poison toads
but bee stings?!
cairne has a scientist brought in
the scientist sez caine writes bug p0rn0 books
sounds like he has a fetish
slim pickens comes by asking about his son working at the base
hes the county engineer and is gonna shut off the base water unless he can see his son
they let him in
tis is a lot like that other Michael caine movie; billion dollar brain
bada55 americans shown as dumb
smug britmo dealing with em
and the world in danger
at least it don't make the soviets look good
caine sez humans were fighting a losing battle with bugs for 15 years
but now its the final face off
that's stupid
they're bugs!
they cant think!
they react
maybe spiders can think but not freekin ants or w/e
slim pickens comes in and finds his son
hes sad
he tries to take the body but the gov tries to stop him
slim sez they can only stop with by icing him(and he'd want it)
that's like fist of the north star meaningful\
I went to whiz but the gen is ordered to pla back the tapes b4 the attack
wtf its just audio?!
the tapes have buzzing and people biting it
meanwhile the kid snaks out and is homies bring his bike
also cowboy talks with some confederate looking guy at a café
also he has roses for Olivia
after sitting in the café/diner for like 2 mins he leaves and gives her roses
theres a lovey dovey moment with em
its actually pretty uplifting
this movie has good parts
just the cr-ppy bee story f's it up
meanwhile, back in the cr-ppy bee story general wants to use chemicals on da beez
but Austin powers don't like it
the kids throw Molotov cocktails at the bee nest and hide under arbage cans
the kid has a freak out
eventually the bees leave and the kids book it
then Michael cane and the chick are looking for the kid
after the service for his parents hes been acting up
I thought this was all in the same day
little to no indication of time
at least in the room it shows the sky going to night, then day, then night
oh and the bees are heading for the town
fred macmelgibson gives flowers to Olivia and asks her to marry him
after a lovey dovey moment she has to choose which guy to get
she sez after da school term she'll give em her answer
then Michel cine comes in and sez the bees are returning
the doomsday alarm goes off and everyone runs for cover
Olivia goes on the PA to tell the kids to get inside
but the bees are already icing em
in slo mo
she looks out and sees em b4 groan/screaming in slo mo
what is this? 300?(the Spartan speedo movie)
cane breaks a window and gets in a café/diner
we get more slo mo of bees icing people
1 guy busts through the glass in a café/diner and caine and friends get to the freezer
but the owner freaks out and locks himself in
but its ok as its 40 degrees and bees don't work well in temp below 50
also the chick was stung and hallucinates
apparently the bees are Africanized
that don't explain the drug stings
after the bees go offscreen the scientist sez one of the 4 survivors from b4 bit it with 2 stings
why are they so deadly?!
the reason Africanized bees kill so many is cuz they attack in greater numbers
a normal hive gets hit; 200 bees come out
an Africanized hive? 2000
and they chase you like a mile
the kid tells the chick he caused it by fireing the hive
general sez to evacuate the town and spray the bees
evacuate cuz the bees might come back for revenge
despite his earlier statements, cane is mental at him for giving bees human traits
also the poison might f up other towns
general sez u gotta choose the lesser of 2 evils
the kid sez sorry to caine for causing it but caine sez he'd do the same thing
cane sez his rents bit it in a fire and comforts him
the scientist and others in suits work on tests on bees
oh they're collecting venom
later the chick is ok and a army guy sez he knows she was homies with caine
were they b0ning?
I assume hes got a weird fetish like Charles (the qweens son who iced daiana)
well, he does have a bee fetish
maybe he b0nes beehives
so the townspeople leave on a train
bt a bee gets in the control room
1 guy freaks out and suddenly there hundreds of em in there
they hit the controls and the train on tracks sways around
then falls off somehow
everyone but 7 bites it
I dont think that's how it works
at all
Austin powers daD sez instead of poison they use choppers
they drop white stuff on thre area but the bees don't eat it
they know its poison somehow
that don't make sense
later this fat chick poops out 6.5lbs of daughter
not sure why they had that subplot in there
guess it made sense in da book
the bees are heading for a nucular plant
the only hope is the scientists mass antidote
caine volenteers to be tested on but scientist don't wanna
caine leaves and the scientist tests it on himself
he injects himself with 6 stings worth of venon(2x what anyone survived)
yeah that's a good idea; get the only guy who knows how to make the unproven antivenom to test it on himself
he waits a bit to inject the cure and his arm freezes up
he eventually injects himself an his heartrate normalizes
the chick comes in and talks with him
btw the scientist is dr krim
like dr crimt from voogies angel
his heart goes up again he should use breathing, his ki and mind to visualize something calming to cvool his heart
then he bites it
a the nucular plant the bees get in somehow
more slo mo people freakin out
one guy hits a thing and the plant goes up
yeah that makes sense
a guy hits 1 thing and the whole thing nukes itself
later the general plans to take em out by zapping em
the bees are forming a circle around the city of huston
so they use neutrocide
but that'll kill anything there for 10 years
but somehow the bees are immune to it
so they decide to torch the city
buts in protective suits with flamethrowers burn everything
1 guy driving a van with bees in it hits a thing and goes up in flames
1 flamer sez they need reinforcements
then everything starts blowoing up
that the h-ll is going on?!
the trucks of flammable cr-p go up
general is worried history will blame him
later cane sez the base alarm system sounds like an African bee mating call
that don't make sense
nothing about this cr-p makes sense
friggin Urotsukidoji is less bad
as the bees invade the flamers blast away in buildings
1 guy falls out a high window in slo mo on fire
oh its the building the general and thr Michael caine are in
general bites it fighting off bees and caine/the chick escape
later caine has the army spread oil in the gulf of mexico and light it
nowadays some eco commie would go up the a55 over it
also the choppers have sound horns
they drop the sound horns in the ocean
the bees go after it and they fire it up with rockets
the ocean goes up in flames
somehow this stops the bees
the credits say thanks to the airforce
the end
man theres a lot of eastern Europeans in here
lol the credits say the African bees aren't like the hardworking American bees
yeah like anyone reads the end of the credits
that was pretty crazy
the story don't make sense
theres little logic
but it did have some good moments
it had heart in the lovey scenes that kinda got dropped
like the room with tommy wiseau
the effects were good
and the cr-ppy plot made for good laughs
I enjoyed it despite/because its badness
for the swarm 2 i'd like for the dead bees to be eaten by dolphins and the dolphins mutate into bee like dolphins cuz of the bees powers and oil and cr-p and attack people. the people are contacted by the squid who are under attack by the dolphins and they use squid magic to fuse the squid ande men into powerful abominations that have the abimity to fight under water with human kung fu and squid powers. also its a 16 bit beat em up on snes and sega genesis with up to 4 players fighting in underwater levels that you go up and down in and beat up dolphin bees who can shoot stingers at you and use sonic attacks but squid have xtendable arm attacks and can fire acid ink at them to stun em with damage. oh and one player is the kid who's rents got iced by bees

Friday, August 25, 2017

The Private Life Of Henry VIII

Note; England spelling s-ked! no extra U's!
The private Lige of henry VIII
This is my review of the provate life of henry VIII(1933 ver)
It stars Charles laughton who was the hunchback of noter dame
both frenxch AND English?!
but both were bad guys!
just ask ZEE KAISER!!
its directed by Alexander Kordao also produced elephant boy, the jungle book (40s ver) the scarlet pimpernel, the four feahers (39 ver), Anna Karenina (40s ver) and the winslow boy
after opening creds to brit music we get the cast
I don't know brit history so I don't know these historical figures
text sez henry had 6 wives but they skipping the 1st
then he married his 2nd
number 2
then a bucnha chix come in and talk about the kings bed
it probably is soaked in j-zz
they think about the king in bed
onew sez number 2 just got iced
and the 3rd is coming in
they change his soiled bed stuff
then theres an execution
turns out NOW they're wacking his 2nd wife
what is this? bluebeard?!
hes icing his wife so he can get a new one
that's not how marriage works
that's murder
a Frenchie is bashed by a brit who iced the queens 5 bf's (5kank!) over as Frenchie icing a brit qween
that happened in the 90s to daiana, her bf and charlrz other women
the chix talk about how once the queen gets iced, 3 guns go off and signal the king hes free to marry number 3
the king comes in and hes a huge fata55
and those dames wanted to see him in bed
someones got a fat fetish
in America we dont have kings dominating us and wacking those who go against the regent
although r fk did that to marilin monrow
later the king wants to build more ships to rule the sea
isn't oppressing the brit people enough?
good thing for America!
btw number 3 seems to have no issue her bf is gonna wack his last wife to be with her
as springer said; if he cheets on someone to be with you, he can cheet on you to be with another
these brits are on the same level as springer guests
number 3 shows the regent her new dress and they joyfully horse around
such a good attitude on the day hes having his former wife put to sleep
oh and this is in the 1530s
aka; the early Castlevania days
set between Castlevania III dracula's curce, and Castlevania The Adventure.
later the regent is glad hes marrying a dumba55 chick
wtf hes called kid of England, france and north Ireland
oh and his 2nd wife gets her head lopped off
hen he marrys number 3 while the corpse is still warm
this hag puts black magic charms in the kings bed to make a son
shes the kings babysitter or w/e
then we cut to after the b0ning and pregnancy and the wife 3 pooped out a baby
they send news to the king on horse
they tell him its a boy
he gets back but numbwr 3 bit it
he gushes over his new son succeeding him to continue his black rule over the people
also the king starts getting into this chick
later the king I mean regent is gorging on meat
everyones quiet and the regent I mean king makes them sing
he has his minions go to Germany to get a dutchess to be his woman
but she don't consent
she knows his deeds
ttthe minions have her pose for a painting
later king goes to the chick hes gay for and they talk
she thinks hes into the dutchess
he denies it
but then his minions start looking for him
he makes out with her(in the real version they might be b0ning) but the minion comes in and ez the dutchess is coming
but the dutchesis in love with a real man
king meets dutchess but don't like her'
but hes gotta marry her or all of Europe will go to war with em
take down those britz
maybe they can get a good government
instead of being subservient to their regent
they try getting to know eachorther
in Germany respectable women don't sing
good thing I'm Slovenian
my people sing and dance
like weird al yankovic
is he Slovenian?
I hope so
turns out she plays cards
instead of Yugioh they play some other game
too bad its not the Digimon digi-battle card game
I loved dat
until they f'd it up by changing the backs
I never got season 3 and on
the king sez hes the best card player in England
but he keeps getting beat and oweing her much cash he has his minions get him more cash
after spending taxpayer money on gambling he freaks out
after he gets beat he wants to off her head
instead he divorces her
she gets the guy he was gay for
also the regent cheeted at cards
no honor
well, he IS English!!
later hes getting parts of his face shaved and wants to marry again
also I might have missed it but I think the son is actually a girl
how'd you miss that?!
I mean have they never seen a crotch?!
maybe the kids a hermaphrodite like in all those sexy violent go nagai manga
later the king makes out with the chick he was gay for b4(I think)
later they have a cockfight and enjoy it
I think
maybe its with real people
but then fata55 king takes off his shirt and tries to be hulk Hogan by having a wrestling match with a buff guy
he wins
a leaves the ring hes all busted up
also the chick hes with is almost making out with a guy
in the real version they were b0ning
then king fata55 comes in and makes out with her
the look of disgust on her face as that enormous c-ck sucker presses his face on heres says it all
a month later shes not liking being his woman
imagine being b0ned by that blob
plus I bet he stinks too
they didn't bathe much back then
not sure they wiped either
she wans to be free from his enormous a55 and marry the guy she likes
later the king is malcontent over the frenchies and germans fighting
just wait til ww1
they bust those frenchies a55
latter the brits are gonna torture this chick for into by the rack breakin her bones
sounds about right for England
then being the bad guys and all
oh he married the chick
I might've missed dat
the king finds out his 5th woman is b0ning another guy and crys
didn't cry for the one he had iced
he then has her put to sleep
with an axe
years later he meets wife 06
kings bummed about wanting a wife
if you never executed the 2nd one u might still have her
also his hermaphrodite daughter is a kid
its just another chick hes talking to
he sees a 6th woman to wanna marry
later hes gorging on meat and his new wife is ragging on him
she takes his food away
maybe if he didn't stuff his fata55 face so much he wouldn't be such a fata55
shes taking care of him like a baby
theres a fetish about dat
after she goes out he goes back to gorging and sez of his 6 wives the best is da worst
the end
that was ok
kinda entertaining
not epic but its a decent period piece
and it shows how bad the brits were/are
I do like historical things
except Canadian history
that one s-cked
once in a history test in grade 08 I didn't know the Canadian dinks names so I put escaflowne and Gundam wing character names in the blanks
I got some counted as right
plus history in grade school in soviet Canada ends b4 ww1
for the private life of henry VIII 2 i'd like for him to be tired of being treated like a baby and gets a surge of adrenaline and takes a big bite out of his wife. he realizes human flesh is able to make him younger so he begins eating his people. the brits, being fully subservient to the regent, allow this as they have total trust in this obese cannibal. later Japanese people come to England but the kiing has them cooked alive and devours them b4 they fully bite it. the Japanese don't stand for this and send their warriors to avenge them and it tarts a war with England and japan where japan ends bada55 samurai where as England ends candy a55 wieners and the samurai cut them down. but the king has eaten enough people to become a 1200lb monstrosity and goes out with his leather skin (hardened from blood of his victims) and bone armor of is victims and takes on many samurai as the final boss. its also a 2 player hack nd slash beat em up like golden axe or the water margin, a tale of clouds and wind but with more gore and various animations of people sliced up. its on snes, gba and sega genesis and you play as samurai ent o take down the regent and cut through sissy brits and manly brit women as bosses.

Monday, August 21, 2017

The Outlaw Review

note; did howard hughs type well? I don't think so!
the outlaw
this is my review on da outlaw(40s ver)
its by howard hughes and has jane russel and walter huston
ive never seen this but I hear howard kept showing b00bs
no nips though(thankfully)
but for the 30s it was too much
it starts with text describing the old west
I like the camera in here
its got good camera framing and shots
so this guy named pat is the sherrif
a guy sez doc holiday arrived
pat sez docs his bff
they reunite happy
someone jacked docs horse
docs surprzed pat is sherrif
he takes a good look at his crotch(as that's where the star is, his belt)
then they see a drunk wanting to shoot a glass off barkeeps head
pat stops him and takes him to jail to sober up
doc goes for a walk and finds a horse
its his
the current owner sez he bought it elsewhere
the owner is billy the kid
and he wants it
pat comes by and wants to enjail billy
but when he finds out its billy the kid shakes his hand
billy knocks him down and rides off
the end
for the outlaw 2 I want it to be a cannibal movie
later doc finds and talks to billy and they find the horse can do tricks
but its a trap and pat holds him up from behind
doc takes billys guns but billy sez hes innocent
billy bashes doc over needing a cop to help him
doc bites and they go off
but pats malcontent
he gives em a bit of time to get out of town
I think
I wasn't looking
after a card game a guy asks doc about the ace he used being at the bottom of the deck
oh its bily
they grow closer in a non brokeback mountain way
nowadays they'd be b0ning
they get ready for bed but someone fires on billy
he throws his spur and it gets hit
after some tension  billy fights the guy and its a dark haired chick(not wonder woman_
she sez her name is rio McDonald
like rio, sharks sister from Yugioh zexal
apparently billy iced her brother in a bar
she gets up and tries to pitchfork him but he counters and tears off her dress offscreen
I think they're b0ning
later kids talk about how cool billy is
he tells em he had 50 indian scalps but da gov made him give em up
nowadays they'd make him the bad guy for that
cant have a good guy now who's not politically correct
later billy meets a slimy guy who sez he wants to help him with pat
he plays a scenario to show how they'd get pat and aims his gun to "show him the angle"
the moment he aims at billy, billy draws and wastes him
then doc comes in
billy plays poker with a guy
Yugioh is better
oh its doc
me homies come in for billy
oh its pat
they think billy iced the slimy guy for no reason
its not murder if its self defence
doc sides with billy and pat turns on doc
so much for bring best friends
lina and naga from slayers are closer
and they're rivals
pat pulls a shotgun on em but its shot outta his hands
oh and billy got capped but didn't bite it
the guy who capped him got blown away
they ride out
they get to the rio house and doc gives her medical advice
she gets a knife but cuts off his clothes
oh and I forgot to mention that the slimy guy had danger music during his scene
later this cowboy looking for billy comes by and a young bird gets in
the cowbiy leaves and rio gets the bird off billy b4 it eats his eyes
then she cooks da burd
oh and rio has a Mexican lady living with her
we get a montage of rio helping billy
later she gets nude and shares body heat with him to warm him up
but it don't show it\
meanwhile, doc is leading the chasers away on his horse
hey, he got it back
then he snipers em
later billy chats with rio
the Mexican is her aunt
and they mention a lucky ring that was from a guy who bit it after taking it off
they almost b0ne but the aunt comes in
later doc returns and billy mad he took the hose
they have some back and forth over it
later billy and doc leave and pats after em
I should mention earlier doc nearly snipered pat but didn't
later billy I think returns and finds rio in a low cut top
he sez she put sand in their canteens
later pat finds rio tied up with rawhide that was wet so it would shirnk and free her
later billy comes back and shes tied again
but its a trap by pat
billy and doc get chained up
after some chat billy tries to fight doc chained up but gets kicked down and rolls over the fire
the pat and crew return and rio falls in a pond
oh it was to get billy
now shes in a wet t shirt
they get ready to return them to town but theres Indians
they leave to try to get to a fort
they find a burned down place with charred tortured bodies
but don't show em
then Indians approach
billy wants his gun but pat makes em promise not to turn on him
they book it on horses and theres dust coming off the hoofbeats to make it look like theres more people
like in birth of a nation
they get away
then spend a night at a place
billy confronts doc over something
and tells pat to stay out
oh its about the horse
the rio(who looks bustyer in every scene)wants em to stop
when the clock goes off they draw
doc gives a speech about men being like kids and getting too rough
the clock goes off and doc eventually almost draws
but billy don't
doc shoots off pieces of billys ears but he stands there like a bada55
he sez the time it took the clock to go let him realize docs the only friend he really had
they get ready to go but pat don't want em to
hes jealous doc likes bily more than him
this is like bad care bears or spongebob
but doc don't wanna ice pat
pat eventually draws but doc does faster
buit doc don't fire and pat creams him
pat asks why and doc bites it
did that really happen?
like to the real doc holiday?
after hes buried billy sez sorry for causing this
later pAT gives billy docs guns
but pat wants billys guns
so he can say its billy who bit it instead of doc
identity theft!!
then he could start a new life with rio
better than fata55 bronk b0ning her(Yugioh zexal ref)
billy isn't sure but pat wins him over
billys gonna book it but pat reveals he removed docs guns firing pins
and holds billy up with his own guns
but billys guns don't work
turns out billy accidentally mixed up the guns while playing with em
and billy still had one of his guns
next scene shows pat tied to a post like hes b0ning it
billy leaves his guns and sez pat can say doc tied him up
as pat don't want it known billy got him
billy leaves
but looks back at rio
then she goes with him
they ride off and docs resting place sez; here lies billy da kid iced by pat garret
the end
huh, walter huston was doc holiday
then it has text dat sez history is vague and theres many stories of billy
some say hes good, others bad
they say he got wacked by a lawman
but the truth is a mystery of the west
so in other words; nelsons explanation of having a killmaster when playing cowboys and indians
the end
that was pretty good
the b00bs wernt as big a focus as I was lead to believe
I've seen more revealing outfits on sailor moon
but in da 30s it was too much
the story was simple and it had good flow
not much to say but I liked how the bad guy wasn't all bad
kinda like in batman beyond
or Robotech
for the outlaw 2 i'd like pat to reveal right b4 he bites it that its really doc in billys place. this starts a rush of people wanting to claim billys head and be the one immortalized as his killer. billy is living in Arizona and rio has extra huge b00bs rom being pregnant a few times and their kids are now teens whjo billy trained to be super gunmen. they defend their farm from attacks and decide to go after the head guy responsible for bountys so they can be cleared. but it don't work. so they just decide to cap every gunman after em til theres none left. but that don't work. so the decide to have a contest for best shooter and winner gets to be their Kaiser. its also a 16 bit sega genesis and super nintendo run and gun game with several player characters (billy, and his kids) and his woman rio runs the power up shop for extra lives or better guns like spreadshot. also she judges the final round where they have a shooting contest where they go through an obstacle course and take out big animals like elephants and rhinos.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Blackbeard The Pirate Review

note; you cant make me spekkl right
blackbeard the pirate
this is my review on blackbeard the pirate(50s ver)
its directed by raoul walsh who was john wilkes booth in the birth of a nation
it stars some guy who popularized pirate voices
it starts with a poem about an armchair pirate
then text saying in the 1600s in spainish stuff morgan was after blackbeard
then Edward maynard(ed)  is sent on a mission to find out if morgan is still a pirate
he goes to jamaca and poses as a surgeon to get on the ship
as the row boat leaves the cops open fire
but the pirates reveal they have a girl morgan likes so they get away
hey get to the ship and later the ed sees a guy strung up
this screaming b--ch alvina screams
I should mention one piece ripped off all these historical figures
although in the 80s Hokuto no ken ripped off 80s historical figures like ryuuga looking like david bowie or hyui looking like huey lewis
the chick and alvina are taken to black beard and backsass him
blackbeard has charisma
hes bada55 and talks super pirate
he reveals the hung guy was the captan
the chick throws a knife at b beard
but it misses
he has em taken to the dutchmans cabin and has the Dutchman thrown out so he don't b0ne em
then ed operates on b beard to remove a bullet from his neck
we do see him cutting into him as its just offscreen
but they talk about it
b beard talks about getting morgans treasure
b beard has a monkey looking guy hold a blade to eds back so in he screws up the operation he follows blackbeard to h-ll
ed sez he and morgan were aquitted of piracy
ed finds b beards jugular vein and gets a note saying "kill him"
he reveals he knows eds a spy
the boat is fired on by a nearby forts cannons
the boat leaves as the cops tell the cannons they got the chick
alvina and the chick(Edwina) chat abot cr-p
the monkey guy sez b beard sleeps with 1 eye open
and he tried to kill him b4 but couldn't
ed monkey and a 3rd guy talk a plan about
ed goes in after getting a signal b beard is out
he climbs a rope into b beards window
this is impossible
no one can climb a rope!
he goes through b beards cr-p but b beard finds the rope
he tells a grunt to ice whoever comes up
b beard goes down and ed tries to escape but goes into a hdden area under the floor
but b beard starts going in
monkey boy saves ed with a secret door saying he hates b beard
man this is good
action, danger, adventure, drama
its pure entertainment
and that's the 1st 20 mins
the next day b bard accuses ed of stealing the ships log and throwing it in the "laserete"(wtf is that)
he admits he did it amnd sez morgan paid him 500
b beard laughs at him over the price
the men on board hassle the chicks and ed fights em off
then sword fight
ed wins
they throw the dad guy overboard for the sea monsters to eat
ed ta with chick over how the captain was a good guy
eds actually called Robert
I f'd up
she tells rob she has morgans treasure abord
later b beard gets alvina drunk and talks about the chick
alvina sez the chic takes nude baths
thats normal!
black beard is aroused
then b beard brings in the chick and reveals her luggage treasure in it
also hre reads her love letters
black beard can read?!
also the captain worked with morgan
she hoots b beard but the gun only had powder and no bullets
he sends em away but stops ed as ed was smuggling letters and gets em back
b beard is smart despite being crass
hes like me
then he gets alvina drunker and talks about treasure
the treasure wasn't in her cr-p
rob talks with the chick(I call her ed now)
they ear alvina screaming
b beard is chopping eds luggage and the false bottoms had treasuite in it
ed goes for a gun and b beard stops her
rob talks with ed about getting out
then they kiss
in the real version I think they were b0ning
then b beard eating a hunk of meat calls for rob
rob helps the chick get undressed as b beward calls for him
its revealed morgan wants to marry ed and b beard has treasure shares going to morgan
rob gets out and b beard sez to ed; if they go against him he'd sting em up
rob has a guy go out to get help and maybe expose morgan
rob damages part of the boat
later b beard b--ches bout the boat taking on water and going slow
he blames rob and wants to string him up
also whip him and roll him in salt
they tie him up, rip his shirt and whip him
this is getting 18+
pirate p0rn0
they stop at an island and b beard wants to set up cannons
he asks where the brown skinned girls are but monkey boy sez they heard hes commin and ran away
the men bury treasure
a boat goes by
they say its gon take 2 days to ready the cannons
later mon\key boy tells ed and rob morgan missed em and went by
b beards boys find a guy who looks just like b beard
b beard wants to waste him but its revealed the guys ret-rded and the ed sticks up for him
so b beard spares him cuz its bad luck to kill the ret-rded
later b beard is with treasure and a guy holds him a gunpoint saying he jewed him on the treasure
b beard talks his way outta it
oh and robs there too
later they bury the treasure t the guy don't trust b beard
rob goes to stop the rowboat from getting away and b beard chops a guy, leaves him in the treasure hole and hides the treasure under a big a55 rock
then buries the chopped guy
the guy sez he knows rob can navigate and he should be the real captain
so they work together
also he sez b bears always buries a dead guy with the treasure
later b beard hears theres men missing
and morgan and his forces are on the island
b beard wants to have his men fight morgan on the island and he takes morgans ship
rob tries to free ed by breaking the door with a stick
but 1st swordfights a guy
after icing him and saving the girl b beard gets there
the ret-rded guy comes by asking b beard to save him
he sez hes he king of spain
b beard sez the ret-rded guy is gonna ice morgan and he dresses the ret-rded guy in his clothes and tells him to act like b beard
the b beard crew fight morgan and theres good cannon battles
no one gets hit by em though
also a sword mass might
b beards guys bite it
rob sez bye to Edwina and hes gonna try to stop morgan
they kiss and leave
b beard sends the re-rtded guy out and caps him
then hides as morgan comes in and lops off fake b beards head
later fake b beards head is hanging from a rope
surpirzed they had tat in a 50s film
rob meets his uncle(ron) Jeremy
he finds morgan is governer now
and looking for rob
and ed is a prisoner in his palace
morgan seez himself as a hero for working with bad guys
also he wants tio hang rob to protect himself
like r fk having marilin monroew iced to protect j fk and himself cuz they b0ned her
and morgan wasn't to become a higher rank lord
rob is in the caslte and makes out with ed
she wants to get away with him
she goes back to the castle as a guard comes by
later rob is at the place ed agreed to meet him with uncle (ron) Jeremy
ed comes by and they leave in a row boat
they go to the ship and find the captain was iced
as they try to leave pirates take over the boat
so they hide inside the boat
then they find black beard
morgan gets word blackbeard freed the prisoners
morgan puts together everytng quick
he sets a trap for b beard
later on the boat b beard sends a man in to get ed and rob but rob wastes him with a gunshot
they see a Spanish thing and go after it
organs on it and they open fire on b beards boat
b beard realizes its morgan and gets ready to fight
he has ed tied to the boat to divert their fire
they cannon fire eachother
he also wants to tie up and whip rob
morgan sees ed tied up and ceases fire
but b beards fire continues
morgans boat gets busted up
the pirates board morgans boat and sword fight
its really action
yet no graphic gore or blood
morgan lets out his reserves and b beard retreats
b beard holds ed at blade point and morgan cuts em loose
the guy wants to get the treasure
b beard sez they'll go in the AM but the crew wants it now
did they just unionize?!
that's the end of them!
the crew goes out to get the treasure
b beard tells monkey boy that's the last he'd see of the guy and the rob
the crew digs where they saw b beard bury the treasure but its just a dead guy
the crew thinks he lied and are gonna burn his face with a fire heated pistol
but they find the real treasure under a rock
he tells the guy I just said was monkey boy(it wasn't)something as the crew returns
the guy goes to ice b beard
but these asiany guys stop him and he hides in a room
then b beard wastes him
then b beard wastes a few more guys
thren locks the union crew in the hold
monkey boy laughs as hes got a plan
red and ob plan to swim for shore
b beard orders rum and he gets not mokney boy to help him hide the treasure
the union crew escape and capture b beard
but the treasure falls into the ocean
the union crew takes him to the beach and digs a hole
but b beard beaks out pf his ripe and fights the guys
they shoot and stab him but he don't go down
they throw sand in his face and shoot him but he picks a man up by his neck
what a bada66
ed and rob escape in the pirates boat but a guy spots em
the pirates bury b beard alive and a guy outs the escapees
but they cant catch em
b beard is buried up to his neck and the tide comes in
the ed and the rob make out
the end
what about morgan?!
ooh, this was by RKO
love em
that was a fun movie
action adventure cool fights
no swearing or lust or b0ning or gore
just good tvpg pirate action
I liked it
plus the guys are smart and skilled and cool
nowadays they'd make them look bad
for blackbeard the pirate 2 i';d like it to be years later and rob and Edwina are outlaws fleeing morgans iron grip. they come across blackbeards son who no one knew about and he says he;s found a way to stop morgan once and for all. they go to a hidfdeen place blackbears jr was raised on a secret island and its got a magic item that can summon sea monsters. they call forth a mosasaur from the deep and it fights for them against morgans forces. morgan is also the leader of the navy and is trying to take over the sea to have total domination over the world.