Sunday, August 20, 2017

Blackbeard The Pirate Review

note; you cant make me spekkl right
blackbeard the pirate
this is my review on blackbeard the pirate(50s ver)
its directed by raoul walsh who was john wilkes booth in the birth of a nation
it stars some guy who popularized pirate voices
it starts with a poem about an armchair pirate
then text saying in the 1600s in spainish stuff morgan was after blackbeard
then Edward maynard(ed)  is sent on a mission to find out if morgan is still a pirate
he goes to jamaca and poses as a surgeon to get on the ship
as the row boat leaves the cops open fire
but the pirates reveal they have a girl morgan likes so they get away
hey get to the ship and later the ed sees a guy strung up
this screaming b--ch alvina screams
I should mention one piece ripped off all these historical figures
although in the 80s Hokuto no ken ripped off 80s historical figures like ryuuga looking like david bowie or hyui looking like huey lewis
the chick and alvina are taken to black beard and backsass him
blackbeard has charisma
hes bada55 and talks super pirate
he reveals the hung guy was the captan
the chick throws a knife at b beard
but it misses
he has em taken to the dutchmans cabin and has the Dutchman thrown out so he don't b0ne em
then ed operates on b beard to remove a bullet from his neck
we do see him cutting into him as its just offscreen
but they talk about it
b beard talks about getting morgans treasure
b beard has a monkey looking guy hold a blade to eds back so in he screws up the operation he follows blackbeard to h-ll
ed sez he and morgan were aquitted of piracy
ed finds b beards jugular vein and gets a note saying "kill him"
he reveals he knows eds a spy
the boat is fired on by a nearby forts cannons
the boat leaves as the cops tell the cannons they got the chick
alvina and the chick(Edwina) chat abot cr-p
the monkey guy sez b beard sleeps with 1 eye open
and he tried to kill him b4 but couldn't
ed monkey and a 3rd guy talk a plan about
ed goes in after getting a signal b beard is out
he climbs a rope into b beards window
this is impossible
no one can climb a rope!
he goes through b beards cr-p but b beard finds the rope
he tells a grunt to ice whoever comes up
b beard goes down and ed tries to escape but goes into a hdden area under the floor
but b beard starts going in
monkey boy saves ed with a secret door saying he hates b beard
man this is good
action, danger, adventure, drama
its pure entertainment
and that's the 1st 20 mins
the next day b bard accuses ed of stealing the ships log and throwing it in the "laserete"(wtf is that)
he admits he did it amnd sez morgan paid him 500
b beard laughs at him over the price
the men on board hassle the chicks and ed fights em off
then sword fight
ed wins
they throw the dad guy overboard for the sea monsters to eat
ed ta with chick over how the captain was a good guy
eds actually called Robert
I f'd up
she tells rob she has morgans treasure abord
later b beard gets alvina drunk and talks about the chick
alvina sez the chic takes nude baths
thats normal!
black beard is aroused
then b beard brings in the chick and reveals her luggage treasure in it
also hre reads her love letters
black beard can read?!
also the captain worked with morgan
she hoots b beard but the gun only had powder and no bullets
he sends em away but stops ed as ed was smuggling letters and gets em back
b beard is smart despite being crass
hes like me
then he gets alvina drunker and talks about treasure
the treasure wasn't in her cr-p
rob talks with the chick(I call her ed now)
they ear alvina screaming
b beard is chopping eds luggage and the false bottoms had treasuite in it
ed goes for a gun and b beard stops her
rob talks with ed about getting out
then they kiss
in the real version I think they were b0ning
then b beard eating a hunk of meat calls for rob
rob helps the chick get undressed as b beward calls for him
its revealed morgan wants to marry ed and b beard has treasure shares going to morgan
rob gets out and b beard sez to ed; if they go against him he'd sting em up
rob has a guy go out to get help and maybe expose morgan
rob damages part of the boat
later b beard b--ches bout the boat taking on water and going slow
he blames rob and wants to string him up
also whip him and roll him in salt
they tie him up, rip his shirt and whip him
this is getting 18+
pirate p0rn0
they stop at an island and b beard wants to set up cannons
he asks where the brown skinned girls are but monkey boy sez they heard hes commin and ran away
the men bury treasure
a boat goes by
they say its gon take 2 days to ready the cannons
later mon\key boy tells ed and rob morgan missed em and went by
b beards boys find a guy who looks just like b beard
b beard wants to waste him but its revealed the guys ret-rded and the ed sticks up for him
so b beard spares him cuz its bad luck to kill the ret-rded
later b beard is with treasure and a guy holds him a gunpoint saying he jewed him on the treasure
b beard talks his way outta it
oh and robs there too
later they bury the treasure t the guy don't trust b beard
rob goes to stop the rowboat from getting away and b beard chops a guy, leaves him in the treasure hole and hides the treasure under a big a55 rock
then buries the chopped guy
the guy sez he knows rob can navigate and he should be the real captain
so they work together
also he sez b bears always buries a dead guy with the treasure
later b beard hears theres men missing
and morgan and his forces are on the island
b beard wants to have his men fight morgan on the island and he takes morgans ship
rob tries to free ed by breaking the door with a stick
but 1st swordfights a guy
after icing him and saving the girl b beard gets there
the ret-rded guy comes by asking b beard to save him
he sez hes he king of spain
b beard sez the ret-rded guy is gonna ice morgan and he dresses the ret-rded guy in his clothes and tells him to act like b beard
the b beard crew fight morgan and theres good cannon battles
no one gets hit by em though
also a sword mass might
b beards guys bite it
rob sez bye to Edwina and hes gonna try to stop morgan
they kiss and leave
b beard sends the re-rtded guy out and caps him
then hides as morgan comes in and lops off fake b beards head
later fake b beards head is hanging from a rope
surpirzed they had tat in a 50s film
rob meets his uncle(ron) Jeremy
he finds morgan is governer now
and looking for rob
and ed is a prisoner in his palace
morgan seez himself as a hero for working with bad guys
also he wants tio hang rob to protect himself
like r fk having marilin monroew iced to protect j fk and himself cuz they b0ned her
and morgan wasn't to become a higher rank lord
rob is in the caslte and makes out with ed
she wants to get away with him
she goes back to the castle as a guard comes by
later rob is at the place ed agreed to meet him with uncle (ron) Jeremy
ed comes by and they leave in a row boat
they go to the ship and find the captain was iced
as they try to leave pirates take over the boat
so they hide inside the boat
then they find black beard
morgan gets word blackbeard freed the prisoners
morgan puts together everytng quick
he sets a trap for b beard
later on the boat b beard sends a man in to get ed and rob but rob wastes him with a gunshot
they see a Spanish thing and go after it
organs on it and they open fire on b beards boat
b beard realizes its morgan and gets ready to fight
he has ed tied to the boat to divert their fire
they cannon fire eachother
he also wants to tie up and whip rob
morgan sees ed tied up and ceases fire
but b beards fire continues
morgans boat gets busted up
the pirates board morgans boat and sword fight
its really action
yet no graphic gore or blood
morgan lets out his reserves and b beard retreats
b beard holds ed at blade point and morgan cuts em loose
the guy wants to get the treasure
b beard sez they'll go in the AM but the crew wants it now
did they just unionize?!
that's the end of them!
the crew goes out to get the treasure
b beard tells monkey boy that's the last he'd see of the guy and the rob
the crew digs where they saw b beard bury the treasure but its just a dead guy
the crew thinks he lied and are gonna burn his face with a fire heated pistol
but they find the real treasure under a rock
he tells the guy I just said was monkey boy(it wasn't)something as the crew returns
the guy goes to ice b beard
but these asiany guys stop him and he hides in a room
then b beard wastes him
then b beard wastes a few more guys
thren locks the union crew in the hold
monkey boy laughs as hes got a plan
red and ob plan to swim for shore
b beard orders rum and he gets not mokney boy to help him hide the treasure
the union crew escape and capture b beard
but the treasure falls into the ocean
the union crew takes him to the beach and digs a hole
but b beard beaks out pf his ripe and fights the guys
they shoot and stab him but he don't go down
they throw sand in his face and shoot him but he picks a man up by his neck
what a bada66
ed and rob escape in the pirates boat but a guy spots em
the pirates bury b beard alive and a guy outs the escapees
but they cant catch em
b beard is buried up to his neck and the tide comes in
the ed and the rob make out
the end
what about morgan?!
ooh, this was by RKO
love em
that was a fun movie
action adventure cool fights
no swearing or lust or b0ning or gore
just good tvpg pirate action
I liked it
plus the guys are smart and skilled and cool
nowadays they'd make them look bad
for blackbeard the pirate 2 i';d like it to be years later and rob and Edwina are outlaws fleeing morgans iron grip. they come across blackbeards son who no one knew about and he says he;s found a way to stop morgan once and for all. they go to a hidfdeen place blackbears jr was raised on a secret island and its got a magic item that can summon sea monsters. they call forth a mosasaur from the deep and it fights for them against morgans forces. morgan is also the leader of the navy and is trying to take over the sea to have total domination over the world.

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