Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Catwoman Review


note; cats have aids and so do my spelling
cat woman
this is my review of catwoman(the 00s one)
it starts with like 4 silid minutes of slow credits and cat images
wt denise denovi did this
she did those tyim burton things
then it starts with hale berry dead in the water
just like sunset bulivard
she narrates a flashback that's gonna take up like 1/3rd of the film
she makes adds for beauty cr-p
alex borstein from mad tv and nothing else of note is using the new make up and her head aches
its cooking her brains
then Sharon stone sez shes stepping down as the face of the company and a younger girl takes her place
like getting a playstation and selling ur genesis
halle berry gets her a55 busted by da boss over her cr-ppy art
but Sharon stone defends her and she gets another shot
later(the next scene) a cat lures her out of her high floor building and she risks her life for a dumba55 cat
cats live 5-14 years
humans around 10x dat
Benjamin bratt from law and order comes by as a cat and tries to talk her outta jumping
she falls and hes suddenly in her window and saves her
is he the flash?!
after that she suddenly books it for her deadline
meanwhile Sharon stone is disgruntled over her adds replaced with the new chick
don't shoot the place up
later benny comes by the workplace and the chicks and gay guy lust after him
hes no Rudolph valenino
or ramon Navarro
or ricardo cortez(whjo was actually Austrian jewish but latin lovers were trendy in the 20s)
he invites halle to coffee and the alex borstein and gay guy suggest she shaves her legs and wear a leather outfit
this isn't slayers and shes no naga the white serpent
later its night and Sharon stone and her science nerds find the new cr-p rots peoples faces and gets em addicted
gally berry finds out and the suits hunt her down
they go through the building (which would make a good level in the sega game)and she falls into a waste pipe
so the suits flush a cg her out the pipe and into the ocean
is this gotham?
wheres batman?
wheres penguin?
wheres Christopher walken?
shes dead
the end
for catwoman 2 I want it to be a p0rn0 and star the Digimon/Robotech cast
jk
a sega dreamcast level cgi cat mews a bit and walks on her as other cats stand around have a weird ritual to revive her
cgi cat breathes into her(oh its the one she nearly bit it on the ledge) and shes alive and wigged out
I gotta say I do like the lighting and cgi in here
its kinda cozy in that early 00s way
bright and nice
she comes back home, punches a window, crawls in and the next day wakes up on a shelf when the phone rings
benny calls her saying hes waited long enuff 4 coffee and is going back 2 work
oh and the cgi cat is with her
she takes it back to its owner (name on paper on collar) and shes a crazy cat lady
cat lady sez cgi cat has super powers from being a Egyptian temple cat
so its a daemon
hally berry is gonna go but cat chick gives her catnip and she gets stoned
cut to her back t work and her boss busts her a55 over not having the designs
she back sasses him and gets canned
all the girls and gay guys at the office cheer
later she sez she was possessed and wasn't in control
a dog barks at her and she hisses
I usually make loud high pitched sounds at em
hally sees a necklace jewel and alex borsch blacks out and gets hospitalized out of most of the movie
later benny is giving the cop talk to give kids hope
but they just care about his gun
in kindergarten a cop came by to talk to the class and said his bullets were cookies and the kids laughed
oh da 90z
homie
btw if this was made today the cops would be the bad guys and catwoman would be wasting em
also the cop she has the hots for would turn on his fellow cops
hally berry joins em for no reason and played b ball with him
yeah cuz they let strangers into a grade school
she does ninja cat movies some would call racist cuz shes GOOD AT B BALL and BLAAAAAAAAAAACK!!
also theres this weird music video like fun thing going on the way its being filmed
later Sharon stone breaks glass with her iron hard hands
alext broinston calls Hallie barrie as harroie berrie does weird ninja cat moves
at night she hears loud neighbors in her building and goes down to hassle em
they slam da door in her a55 but she breaks it down and breaks their cr-p on their property and threatens em
gotta be honest
shes kind of a d-ck
then we get a montage of her cutting her hair and getting a leather outfit on(not a leather bikini like naga from slayers)
she rides to the jewel store but its being jacked already
she confronts em and they empty their guns into where she was
but she don't get hit and ninja moves em down
its always women beating up men
but a guy gets 1 hit on the chick attacking him and HEs the bad guy
she wakes up the next day and the jewels they were jacking are on her bed
she puts em all in a bag but the necklace
then at the jewel store the owner sez the jewels were from Egypt
what is this? Yugioh?!
oh and the jewel bag is there
harrie baeer looks up cats in Egypt and returns to the cat lady
cat lady tells harie barie about the pagan cat goddess who cats work for
sounds like bad sailor moon or saint Seiya
cat lady sez hallie berry bit it and cgi cat saw she'd bite it and tested her by going on the window
also now shes free to be a catwoman and has heightened senses
I gotta say this rips off both devilman and the crow
wasn't catwoman in the comics just a chick with a cat fetish who jacks jewels?
its night again and cgi Hallie barrie jumps around roofs like the tick
she recognizes the guy who shot at her and stalks him
what, is this ripping off Robocop too?
at a bar she orders a cup of cream
shes gonna get faaaaaaaaaaaat
also shes in a leather bikini top like naga but naga wore a thong instead of leather pants
oh and Hallie berry has a whip
she fights the guy who killed her outside  and he has no chance
oh and shes got blade fingers
just like in the crow she interrogates him and he sez theres something wrong with the new cr-p product
then I think she kills him offscreen
at the company she finds the science nerd dead and is seen so she books it
the next day she visits alex born in a box and on tv it sez catwoman iced him
she has alex bobbit stop using the cream
harir berry sends benny a sorry coffee but he notices its similar to the sorry on the jewel bag
but the expert sez they were 2 different personalities doing it
just like in Yugioh how theres yugi and the other yugi(who kills people) sharing a body
later (how many days does this movie take place over?!) ben and haries beries are at rthe carnival and the ferris wheel busts
she does ninja cr-p and saves a kid
I recently realized her cut hair looks like a french Canadian man
that night she cuts a glass door with her claws(wtf how sharp are they?! and what r they made of?!) and fights Sharon stone
she tells Sharon stallone her husband is doing evil with the cr-ppy face cream and shareon sends her to him at an opera house(or maybe a circus) with the new model
she slices his face and tells him she knows of the cr-p cream
then books it in cgi as the cops arrive
she fights benny in the area above the circus as this light swings by em
they have a weird b0ning fight with a power cable as a ref to batman returns b4 the cops show up and she jams the cable in the power thing to kill the lights and escape
sharon stine busts her husbands a55 over little things
what a b--ch
later at a sushi restaurant date with benny she eats the fish off sashimi (they call it sushi cuz they're RACIST!!!!!!!!!)
they talk for a while and grow closer
later she almost sez shes cat woman (in a scene better done with michael Keaton in batman) but it rains and she freaks out
they go back to her place and b0ne offscreen
does this make him a furry?
after b0ning he finds her catwoman claw and gets a glass with her prints on it
she wakes up and gets a call from Sharon stingher saying they can stop her husband
benny uses cop science to match catwomans lip prints to Hallie beries mouth prints on da ciup
at starons place she reveals she iced her husband and framed catwoman with claw marks
Sharon calls her men and they see catwoman there b4 she books it
the next day halie berir comes home and finds benny waiting with his fiearm
he knows hes no match for her but talks her into going quietly
all evidence sez harie berie did it
but she sez when tey 1st met all evidence said she was gonna jump
in jail the cat visits her and she squeezes through the bars in a "totally possible" way
she jumps out a window and carjacks a guy
at the factory she sabotages the trucks by chaining the wheels together and when one drives it busts em all
benny talks with Sharon stone in private about him suspecting her
se caps him but b4 se can finish him, catwpman saves his a55
they go UP the building for some reason
I notice this is a lot like cutey honey\
Benjamin bratt is seiji Hayami
Hallie berry is cutey honey
Sharon stone is sister jill
alex bot plug is natsuko
Hallie beat on Sharon stone and reveals Sharon iced her
but Sharon has iron skin from the cream
it gives you steel skin?!
use it for military cr-p!
plus if you stop usimng it ur face disintegrates so that keeps the soldiers or dogs in line
Sharon fakes dead and shanks Hallie berie in the leg with glass to gain advantage
she busts Hallie through the window but Hallie gets a 2nd wind and beats her down/slashes her face
the slashes only leave red marks with is amazing as they cut glass
Sharon stonie falls out the window and catches a pipe
but sees her face in the glass and freaks out and falls
benny comes in 9after just j-rkin off to the chicks fighting) and sez if Hallie is in her cell next am it proves shes not cat woman
later she sends benny a break up letter (b--ch!) and walks off into the moon light like in batman returns
the end
that wasn't as bad as everyone said
I heard its one of the worst movies ever
its got logic errors and cr-p but no more than other movies
wtf
in the credits
silver butler is an assistant
his name is silver?!
lie the cr-ppy sonic character?!
also
Michael f gay
is in the credits
sounds like a p0rn0 name
I didn't hate this film
I've seen far worse
this is ok
got some nice 00s effects and cr-p
at least it ripped off cool cr-p
for catwoman e her to find shes pregnant with Benjamin brats kids from b0ning hi that night. also not only is Sharon stone back as the cream cr-p saved her, but she begins transforming into a rock like monster. also alex borstein is turning into a half rocvk mutant from her use of it and is under Sharon stones control. the magic of the cat revival makes her pregnancy faster and she swells up pretty huge but it also gives her more strength and endurance and makes her more of a brawler. and she has to fight through purvurts enlustened by her pregnancy and an ever changing alex and Sharon as bosses. also itds a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis and snes with player 2 as nightwing who's just become free of batman

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