Friday, August 25, 2017

The Private Life Of Henry VIII

Note; England spelling s-ked! no extra U's!
The private Lige of henry VIII
This is my review of the provate life of henry VIII(1933 ver)
It stars Charles laughton who was the hunchback of noter dame
both frenxch AND English?!
but both were bad guys!
just ask ZEE KAISER!!
its directed by Alexander Kordao also produced elephant boy, the jungle book (40s ver) the scarlet pimpernel, the four feahers (39 ver), Anna Karenina (40s ver) and the winslow boy
after opening creds to brit music we get the cast
I don't know brit history so I don't know these historical figures
text sez henry had 6 wives but they skipping the 1st
then he married his 2nd
number 2
then a bucnha chix come in and talk about the kings bed
it probably is soaked in j-zz
they think about the king in bed
onew sez number 2 just got iced
and the 3rd is coming in
they change his soiled bed stuff
then theres an execution
turns out NOW they're wacking his 2nd wife
what is this? bluebeard?!
hes icing his wife so he can get a new one
that's not how marriage works
that's murder
a Frenchie is bashed by a brit who iced the queens 5 bf's (5kank!) over as Frenchie icing a brit qween
that happened in the 90s to daiana, her bf and charlrz other women
the chix talk about how once the queen gets iced, 3 guns go off and signal the king hes free to marry number 3
the king comes in and hes a huge fata55
and those dames wanted to see him in bed
someones got a fat fetish
in America we dont have kings dominating us and wacking those who go against the regent
although r fk did that to marilin monrow
later the king wants to build more ships to rule the sea
isn't oppressing the brit people enough?
good thing for America!
btw number 3 seems to have no issue her bf is gonna wack his last wife to be with her
as springer said; if he cheets on someone to be with you, he can cheet on you to be with another
these brits are on the same level as springer guests
number 3 shows the regent her new dress and they joyfully horse around
such a good attitude on the day hes having his former wife put to sleep
oh and this is in the 1530s
aka; the early Castlevania days
set between Castlevania III dracula's curce, and Castlevania The Adventure.
later the regent is glad hes marrying a dumba55 chick
wtf hes called kid of England, france and north Ireland
oh and his 2nd wife gets her head lopped off
hen he marrys number 3 while the corpse is still warm
this hag puts black magic charms in the kings bed to make a son
shes the kings babysitter or w/e
then we cut to after the b0ning and pregnancy and the wife 3 pooped out a baby
they send news to the king on horse
they tell him its a boy
he gets back but numbwr 3 bit it
he gushes over his new son succeeding him to continue his black rule over the people
also the king starts getting into this chick
later the king I mean regent is gorging on meat
everyones quiet and the regent I mean king makes them sing
he has his minions go to Germany to get a dutchess to be his woman
but she don't consent
she knows his deeds
ttthe minions have her pose for a painting
later king goes to the chick hes gay for and they talk
she thinks hes into the dutchess
he denies it
but then his minions start looking for him
he makes out with her(in the real version they might be b0ning) but the minion comes in and ez the dutchess is coming
but the dutchesis in love with a real man
king meets dutchess but don't like her'
but hes gotta marry her or all of Europe will go to war with em
take down those britz
maybe they can get a good government
instead of being subservient to their regent
they try getting to know eachorther
in Germany respectable women don't sing
good thing I'm Slovenian
my people sing and dance
like weird al yankovic
is he Slovenian?
I hope so
turns out she plays cards
instead of Yugioh they play some other game
too bad its not the Digimon digi-battle card game
I loved dat
until they f'd it up by changing the backs
I never got season 3 and on
the king sez hes the best card player in England
but he keeps getting beat and oweing her much cash he has his minions get him more cash
after spending taxpayer money on gambling he freaks out
after he gets beat he wants to off her head
instead he divorces her
she gets the guy he was gay for
also the regent cheeted at cards
no honor
well, he IS English!!
later hes getting parts of his face shaved and wants to marry again
also I might have missed it but I think the son is actually a girl
how'd you miss that?!
I mean have they never seen a crotch?!
maybe the kids a hermaphrodite like in all those sexy violent go nagai manga
later the king makes out with the chick he was gay for b4(I think)
later they have a cockfight and enjoy it
I think
maybe its with real people
but then fata55 king takes off his shirt and tries to be hulk Hogan by having a wrestling match with a buff guy
he wins
a leaves the ring hes all busted up
also the chick hes with is almost making out with a guy
in the real version they were b0ning
then king fata55 comes in and makes out with her
the look of disgust on her face as that enormous c-ck sucker presses his face on heres says it all
a month later shes not liking being his woman
imagine being b0ned by that blob
plus I bet he stinks too
they didn't bathe much back then
not sure they wiped either
she wans to be free from his enormous a55 and marry the guy she likes
later the king is malcontent over the frenchies and germans fighting
just wait til ww1
they bust those frenchies a55
latter the brits are gonna torture this chick for into by the rack breakin her bones
sounds about right for England
then being the bad guys and all
oh he married the chick
I might've missed dat
the king finds out his 5th woman is b0ning another guy and crys
didn't cry for the one he had iced
he then has her put to sleep
with an axe
years later he meets wife 06
kings bummed about wanting a wife
if you never executed the 2nd one u might still have her
also his hermaphrodite daughter is a kid
its just another chick hes talking to
he sees a 6th woman to wanna marry
later hes gorging on meat and his new wife is ragging on him
she takes his food away
maybe if he didn't stuff his fata55 face so much he wouldn't be such a fata55
shes taking care of him like a baby
theres a fetish about dat
after she goes out he goes back to gorging and sez of his 6 wives the best is da worst
the end
that was ok
kinda entertaining
not epic but its a decent period piece
and it shows how bad the brits were/are
I do like historical things
except Canadian history
that one s-cked
once in a history test in grade 08 I didn't know the Canadian dinks names so I put escaflowne and Gundam wing character names in the blanks
I got some counted as right
plus history in grade school in soviet Canada ends b4 ww1
for the private life of henry VIII 2 i'd like for him to be tired of being treated like a baby and gets a surge of adrenaline and takes a big bite out of his wife. he realizes human flesh is able to make him younger so he begins eating his people. the brits, being fully subservient to the regent, allow this as they have total trust in this obese cannibal. later Japanese people come to England but the kiing has them cooked alive and devours them b4 they fully bite it. the Japanese don't stand for this and send their warriors to avenge them and it tarts a war with England and japan where japan ends bada55 samurai where as England ends candy a55 wieners and the samurai cut them down. but the king has eaten enough people to become a 1200lb monstrosity and goes out with his leather skin (hardened from blood of his victims) and bone armor of is victims and takes on many samurai as the final boss. its also a 2 player hack nd slash beat em up like golden axe or the water margin, a tale of clouds and wind but with more gore and various animations of people sliced up. its on snes, gba and sega genesis and you play as samurai ent o take down the regent and cut through sissy brits and manly brit women as bosses.

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