Monday, August 28, 2017

The Swarm Review

note; my dad knows more about bees than me
the swarm
this is my review on the swarm(70s ver)
its a disaster movie like the Poseidon adventure or the towering inferno
it stars Michael caine who was Austin powers dad in goldmember
its also got the chick who was Melanie from gone with the wind
and I think feed macmurry
I think this was their last film
its by warmer bros
its widescreen
ooh Richard chamberland is in this
and slim pickens from the black hole and blazing saddles
it starts with guys in protection suits going through some place
huh, its based on a book by arthur Herzog (zwei)
so the guys go to the lower levels of the place and find everyone dead
what is this? resident evil?
1 guy takes off his head thing and messages the commanding officer saying everyones dead
but no enemy
then the troops come in
then Michael caine comes out calm and with a sense of superiority
hes always playing smug brittish c-cksuckers who feel they are better than us americans
they get word of a massive thing moving 7 miles per hour 30 miles away
a choppers go to check it out but its a big a55 swarm of bees
somehow it takes down a chopper
then the other one
not sure that's how it works
general brings in caine wjo sez hes been American for 8 years
he followed the bees and came in the base to help anyone
also hes a bug scientist
then he gets p-ssed at us americans and argues with the eneral
caine wants to contact dr conners(not the Spider-Man guy)  and gets louder and angrier to try to get his way
what a b--ch
genera wants cane locked up
then 2 people come out saying they got 4 needing medical help
he changes his mind about locking up cane
the chick who just came out sez it was the bees
then a regular fimily goes out for a picnic
but theres bees nearby!!!\
 well that's the end of them!
the kid goes to the car for like 4 minutes as the rents bugspray the bees
then out of a tree blasts hundreds of bees and the ice the rents
the kid hides in the car
we get slo mo of them getting wacked
hahaha this is baaaaaad
the bees cover the car and kid turns on the wipers and drives
meanwhile a higher rank guy busts generals a55 over saying it was bees
caine sez to check his stats at the white house and they agree
meanwhile the town nearby is having a festival
theres always a festival when theres a nature attack
a cowboy chats with Olivia e haviland (gone with the wind chick) for a while
oh f
its a flower parade
also fred macmurry is into Olivia
then the kid drives in and crashes
hes having an episode
later the high rank guy sez his credentials check out and the prez gave him full authority of the mission
oh joy, the brittish guy is given command of America
this is gonna end well
caine has the americans give him his stuff from his van and contact the people in the list he has
also he sez; da war I feared is happening
the general is not keen on this
and suspects caine being so prepared is suspect
later caine checks out the wounded and a chick sez the bees are near the town
the kid is freakin out after his mind collapsed from the attack
he sees giant bees bees where there are none
caine tells him to reach out and it'll go away
he got stung 2x and it might be f ing his mind
I heard of getting high on poison toads
but bee stings?!
cairne has a scientist brought in
the scientist sez caine writes bug p0rn0 books
sounds like he has a fetish
slim pickens comes by asking about his son working at the base
hes the county engineer and is gonna shut off the base water unless he can see his son
they let him in
tis is a lot like that other Michael caine movie; billion dollar brain
bada55 americans shown as dumb
smug britmo dealing with em
and the world in danger
at least it don't make the soviets look good
caine sez humans were fighting a losing battle with bugs for 15 years
but now its the final face off
that's stupid
they're bugs!
they cant think!
they react
maybe spiders can think but not freekin ants or w/e
slim pickens comes in and finds his son
hes sad
he tries to take the body but the gov tries to stop him
slim sez they can only stop with by icing him(and he'd want it)
that's like fist of the north star meaningful\
I went to whiz but the gen is ordered to pla back the tapes b4 the attack
wtf its just audio?!
the tapes have buzzing and people biting it
meanwhile the kid snaks out and is homies bring his bike
also cowboy talks with some confederate looking guy at a café
also he has roses for Olivia
after sitting in the café/diner for like 2 mins he leaves and gives her roses
theres a lovey dovey moment with em
its actually pretty uplifting
this movie has good parts
just the cr-ppy bee story f's it up
meanwhile, back in the cr-ppy bee story general wants to use chemicals on da beez
but Austin powers don't like it
the kids throw Molotov cocktails at the bee nest and hide under arbage cans
the kid has a freak out
eventually the bees leave and the kids book it
then Michael cane and the chick are looking for the kid
after the service for his parents hes been acting up
I thought this was all in the same day
little to no indication of time
at least in the room it shows the sky going to night, then day, then night
oh and the bees are heading for the town
fred macmelgibson gives flowers to Olivia and asks her to marry him
after a lovey dovey moment she has to choose which guy to get
she sez after da school term she'll give em her answer
then Michel cine comes in and sez the bees are returning
the doomsday alarm goes off and everyone runs for cover
Olivia goes on the PA to tell the kids to get inside
but the bees are already icing em
in slo mo
she looks out and sees em b4 groan/screaming in slo mo
what is this? 300?(the Spartan speedo movie)
cane breaks a window and gets in a café/diner
we get more slo mo of bees icing people
1 guy busts through the glass in a café/diner and caine and friends get to the freezer
but the owner freaks out and locks himself in
but its ok as its 40 degrees and bees don't work well in temp below 50
also the chick was stung and hallucinates
apparently the bees are Africanized
that don't explain the drug stings
after the bees go offscreen the scientist sez one of the 4 survivors from b4 bit it with 2 stings
why are they so deadly?!
the reason Africanized bees kill so many is cuz they attack in greater numbers
a normal hive gets hit; 200 bees come out
an Africanized hive? 2000
and they chase you like a mile
the kid tells the chick he caused it by fireing the hive
general sez to evacuate the town and spray the bees
evacuate cuz the bees might come back for revenge
despite his earlier statements, cane is mental at him for giving bees human traits
also the poison might f up other towns
general sez u gotta choose the lesser of 2 evils
the kid sez sorry to caine for causing it but caine sez he'd do the same thing
cane sez his rents bit it in a fire and comforts him
the scientist and others in suits work on tests on bees
oh they're collecting venom
later the chick is ok and a army guy sez he knows she was homies with caine
were they b0ning?
I assume hes got a weird fetish like Charles (the qweens son who iced daiana)
well, he does have a bee fetish
maybe he b0nes beehives
so the townspeople leave on a train
bt a bee gets in the control room
1 guy freaks out and suddenly there hundreds of em in there
they hit the controls and the train on tracks sways around
then falls off somehow
everyone but 7 bites it
I dont think that's how it works
at all
Austin powers daD sez instead of poison they use choppers
they drop white stuff on thre area but the bees don't eat it
they know its poison somehow
that don't make sense
later this fat chick poops out 6.5lbs of daughter
not sure why they had that subplot in there
guess it made sense in da book
the bees are heading for a nucular plant
the only hope is the scientists mass antidote
caine volenteers to be tested on but scientist don't wanna
caine leaves and the scientist tests it on himself
he injects himself with 6 stings worth of venon(2x what anyone survived)
yeah that's a good idea; get the only guy who knows how to make the unproven antivenom to test it on himself
he waits a bit to inject the cure and his arm freezes up
he eventually injects himself an his heartrate normalizes
the chick comes in and talks with him
btw the scientist is dr krim
like dr crimt from voogies angel
his heart goes up again he should use breathing, his ki and mind to visualize something calming to cvool his heart
then he bites it
a the nucular plant the bees get in somehow
more slo mo people freakin out
one guy hits a thing and the plant goes up
yeah that makes sense
a guy hits 1 thing and the whole thing nukes itself
later the general plans to take em out by zapping em
the bees are forming a circle around the city of huston
so they use neutrocide
but that'll kill anything there for 10 years
but somehow the bees are immune to it
so they decide to torch the city
buts in protective suits with flamethrowers burn everything
1 guy driving a van with bees in it hits a thing and goes up in flames
1 flamer sez they need reinforcements
then everything starts blowoing up
that the h-ll is going on?!
the trucks of flammable cr-p go up
general is worried history will blame him
later cane sez the base alarm system sounds like an African bee mating call
that don't make sense
nothing about this cr-p makes sense
friggin Urotsukidoji is less bad
as the bees invade the flamers blast away in buildings
1 guy falls out a high window in slo mo on fire
oh its the building the general and thr Michael caine are in
general bites it fighting off bees and caine/the chick escape
later caine has the army spread oil in the gulf of mexico and light it
nowadays some eco commie would go up the a55 over it
also the choppers have sound horns
they drop the sound horns in the ocean
the bees go after it and they fire it up with rockets
the ocean goes up in flames
somehow this stops the bees
the credits say thanks to the airforce
the end
man theres a lot of eastern Europeans in here
lol the credits say the African bees aren't like the hardworking American bees
yeah like anyone reads the end of the credits
that was pretty crazy
the story don't make sense
theres little logic
but it did have some good moments
it had heart in the lovey scenes that kinda got dropped
like the room with tommy wiseau
the effects were good
and the cr-ppy plot made for good laughs
I enjoyed it despite/because its badness
for the swarm 2 i'd like for the dead bees to be eaten by dolphins and the dolphins mutate into bee like dolphins cuz of the bees powers and oil and cr-p and attack people. the people are contacted by the squid who are under attack by the dolphins and they use squid magic to fuse the squid ande men into powerful abominations that have the abimity to fight under water with human kung fu and squid powers. also its a 16 bit beat em up on snes and sega genesis with up to 4 players fighting in underwater levels that you go up and down in and beat up dolphin bees who can shoot stingers at you and use sonic attacks but squid have xtendable arm attacks and can fire acid ink at them to stun em with damage. oh and one player is the kid who's rents got iced by bees

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