Tuesday, August 1, 2017

River Of No Return Review

note; spelling cr-ppy is cooler than being a square
river of no return
this is my review for river of no return(1954)
its got Marilyn Monroe and Robert mitchum
its a 1875 set film filmed in soviet Canada
half of the tv is blackbars
after 1 20th century fox logo it starts with mitchum chopping down a tree
as he goes on a horse the theme somg for the film plays
nowadays we'd get 4 minutes of logos and cr-p
after the credits, he comes home at night
those were long credits to last all afternoon
mitchum talks with a priest wo compares the town to Sodom and Gomorrah
wait til the 2010s
he asks about a 9 year old boy
hope its not like in night of the hunter
in a tent Marilyn Monroe in a skimpy dress for the 1800s sings o guiar
mitchum reunites with his son (the 9 year old) after beatng up a guy
b4 they go the kid sez bye to marilyn
then she sings about cash and swings around a tent pole
after that she makes out wither drunk bf and gets changed
he just got gold claim
but he wants to get outta town
so she gives him her cash
meanwhile, mitcxhuim and his son are leaving and they see indiANS in town
later they are on his farm and doing farm stuff
mitchum sez they will beat those after gold
his son wants a rifle and mitchum sez ok\
nowadays some candy a55 would go mental cuz of kids seeing or being in the same area as a gun
the kid asks mitchum where he was all those years but he dodges it my teaching the kid to shoot
they shoot branches off a tree
nowadays some plant rights nut would get triggered by that
mitchus sees Indians near and sez he can fight em off to protect his land
nowadays he'd be the bad guy for that
then they save the bf and monrow from a raft on the river they are out of control on
the ki finds mrilin monrow pretty and mitchum sez beauty is skin deep
the kid talks to Marilyn and she sings on a guitar
shes pretty good
at dinner marilun talks with the kid about supply and demand about how easy to get cr-p isn't as valuable as hard to get cr-p
the kid mentions a mink is hard to get
weird as Minerva mink from animaniacs original test name was Marilyn mink
later the drunk bf takes mitchums gun and horse and holds him up
he sez hes gonna give it back
but if u take it w/o consent its still theft
mitchum wants him to bring the boy as theres Indians around
the kid sneak attacks the bf and in the chaos mitchum fights him over the gun
bf wins and ko's mitchum
maruilin stays behind and bf goes on to his place he wants to go(I'm not 100% on it (I'm not fully paying attention(and not cuz of marilin)))
but the indians are watching
mitchum wakes up but sees Indians coming so they book it on the raft
if he had more guns he'd not have this problem
the Indians burn down his home and shoot arrows at em
this is kinda like with the LA riots how the store owners with guns held back the malcontents from burning and looting their places and didn't get beat dead
later they stop at a safe area and recover/regroup
at evening Marilyn sings and guitars
she had a good voice
too bad r fk had her iced cuz she was gonna expose j fk and r fk b0ning her
their dad was pretty awful too
j fk's sister was a bit slow.
so rather than let her fall in love and have kids like normal people, her dad joe had her lobotomized!
and it made her a vegetable!!
mom; oh joe! what did you do to our daughter!?
joe; stop your crying! its not like shes human or anything!
mom; this is worse than if you had her put to sleep like the other one!
joe; if thats how you feel, then...  (raises his big irish fist and busts open his daughters head like a tomato!! ) joe; there! happy yet?!
mom; oh joe! your a monster! i only hope our sons dont inherit your evil!
Marilyn Monroe; too late!
so later marilin cuts the raft and it goes off
mitchum; next time you do something like that, i'll forget ur a woman!
nowadays assuming someones gender would cause some malcontents to go mental
she argues with mitchum and reveals mitchum wasn't there for his kid cuz he was in prison cuz he shot a man in the back
the kid hears and mitchum explans the guy was bad and was gonna iced a friend of mitchums
mitchum; what does it matter how you kill a snake?
nowadays that would trigger those malcontents who see criminals as victims when they bite it during their crimes
they build a new raft and go off
but have to go through the river of no return
what is this? the legend of Zelda?
the effects are them infront of what the 50s used for green creens
after they get through it merilun blacks out
so they stop and take her to a cave
shes awake and shivering but he cant use fire cuz Indians can find em easier
he tells her to get out of her wet clothes
naked Marilyn Monroe!!
he leaves her to get nude and reassures his kid that Marilyn wont bite it
he sends the kid to get food and goes back in with Marilyn Monroe only wearing a blanket
he checkes her clothes and comments on her bloomers
nowadays they'd be a thong
he gives her a backrub while shes under the blanket
then a leg rub
I'm surprised he doesn't get under there with her... to share bodyheat
she sez sorry for outing him to his son
then they fade to them in front of he fire with he kid there
did they b0ne?
later on the raft mitchum sleeps and Marilyn talks with the son
kid sez he ate a worm once
they talk about why his dad iced that guy and why he was in jail for it
then they see some deer in the water
mitchum woke up and used a rope to catch one
it dissolves to them cooking it
they didn't wanna show him wasting it and chopping it up with his hunter knife
later mitchum talks to his son
sez tasking a mans horse can get the owner killed
Marilyn monrow returns from taking a waterfall bath and is more cheerful
they talk about how he hates the bf and don't gotta hate her
then they fight/make out
I think hes trying to b0ne her
but b4 he can the son calls for help
a cougar is there
mitchum fights em but hunters cap it
the hunters smelled their food
they share deer with em and talk
the hunters are looking for someone
they recognize monrow
they reveal they are looking for the bf
they offer to get Marilyn but she don't consent
one fights mitchum for some reason
mitchum wins
mitchum holds him at knifepoint with his own knife and sends the other guy away
after the other guy gets far enough, he lets the guy hes got go and leaves on a raft
later they stop for night and talk about how gold turns people bad
the next day they are on the river and the Indians attack
he uses the gun he got off the hunter to defend himself
the Indians jump on the raft and he fights em off
he falls into the water and hangs on the rudder
they go through rough water for a bit
after the rough water they make it to the city
they hear the bf is at a place called the black nugget
later Marilyn finds him and complains he didn't go back to give the horse and gun back
she sez he needs to tell mitchum why he did it as he can kill him and no one would blame him
he sez he s-cked b4 and don't wanna go back
but is gonna talk to him anyway
and hes got a firearm
he goes up to ice mitchum but his son caps him in the back to save the dad
hes freaked out but marilun comforts him as there was no other way
its either mitchum of him
nowadays they'd make the son look bad for it
marunlim leaves and goes to the saloon
next we see her singing the theme song of this film in a skimpy dress for the 1800s(but covered up compared to arianna grande, nikki minaj and lady gaga)
but mitchum carrys her out and they go home
the end
that was pretty good
I loved the bold color and how its in the 1800s
good singing my Monroe and mitchum was pretty bada55
like a lighter john wayne
if they remade this it would s-ck a55
for river of no return 2 i'd like for it to be the 90s(1890s) and Monroe has had a few kids from mitchum,and the illegitimate son of the guy who was Marilyns bf but from a prior gf, comes after the son (now a big buff guy like hulk Hogan) for icing his dad. hes raised a group of malcontents paid em with the gold his dad got but never used in the 1st movie(which has built up interest over the last decade and a bit). after word gets to the fam, they start setting up brutal trapds that cjop up, dismember or otherwise splatter anyone who comes on their turf. so the bf son sends wave after wave of his own men to trip em until he can get to the good son safely. then its a deathmatch with the big buff son vs the bf son who's a midget but in a power suit.

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