Monday, April 25, 2022

Thunder In The Sun Review

 Note: I spell like the Thunder Catsa

Thunder In The Sun

This is my review on Men Behind The Sun I mean tHunder In The Sun from 1959 (70 years b4 the 2nd Robotexch War)

Its directed by by Russell Rouse who did soime westerts or w/. i never saw

It stars Susan Hayward from I Want To Live, Demetrius and the Gladiators, The Snows of Kilimanjaro, David and Bathsheba and The Amazing Dr. Clitterhouse, Blanche Yurka from A Tale Of 2 Cities and The Southerner, Fortunio Bonanova from Citizen Kane, Double Indemnity, Adventures of Don Juan and The Moon Is Blue, Albert Carrier from thew 80s Scarface and the 60s Batman and Cleopatra Jones, Jon Hall from the 30s Mutiny on the Bounty, Veda Ann Borg from Mildred Pierce/The Alsamo, and a buncha 1900s guys i never heard of

i never saw this but its giviunb on gruit and is 81 mins so they are gonna add like 40 mins of adds to reach 2 hours

So after logo it sez in text after napoleons wars, the basks came from soviet france to Ameriuca to devolve the proptoculture in soviet california

it even sz they are lusty, probanly for butts

then 1 guy comes out and sstarts makking daemon sounds and these frenchies on wagons chant in high pitched screams to communicate

then credits and title to the song about the tityle and holy f-=-k this has erich von strohiem as a 2nd assistant directer

that guys one of the best! look at greed frim 24!

so the basks are living inthe wild and teacvhing their kids how to speak english instead of devolved french but some frenchies dont like it

So in America: the ones of french ancestry evolved past their frenchness and became happy jolly Cajuns who are friendly and positive

yet in canada the frenchies were allowed to keep their protoculture which left them to devolve worse than Real frenchies in france and are now a bunch of malcontent, whiny, unbalanced, b==chy, evolutionarily challenged c=ck suckers who just sh=t on everything,

It seems that frenchness is a blight, as is their language and culture

so this chick whips at a big blak horse and the frenchies have wine plants vines to grow in soviet caifornia to give people something to kill them slowly with alcohol that is scientiffically a poison in how it malreacts to the body

so 1 frenchie goes to town to tak to an american WOMAN ABOUT SOMEONE SOBERING UP


SALOON GIRL  is with main guy wjho got drink and f'd up the place and sez the frenchie came every day for him and its thursday

main guy sees a h--ker who sez stuff about last night wich is as close to b0ning the 50s can get as tthey had class

nowadays we'd see him in bed with her and a bunch of used c0nd0ms laying around

so main guy comes out and is surprized at his damage to the salloon and frenchie wants him to bring his group to calefiona

he sez they dont got enuff wagons but spent the money frenchiew gave him on a bender amnd consents

salloon owner sez: with him theres 2 kinds of women; living and dead

so i assume hes noth bio and naecro seuxal and is ok with non living people as partners

how progressive and open minded

so then we see a frenchie dance on his high heels on a barrel and do some ninja dance moves, which proves that Whites CAN dance

just look at eastern europe with their sh-t

main chickplayed by susan does sdome gypsy like dance that has little movement and main guy watches and probably gets a b0ner

then 1 cowboy grabs the ine plant and the frenchies spazz out and attack him

as plant rights are human rights

the coowboy gets p-ssed and draws his gun but main guy caps him, then finishes him after a bit

main chick sez the vines are for grapes to make wine and they wanna plant em in california as they didn;'t invenmt crack and smack yet

also she has a husband, who i assume is gonna get it sio main guy can b0ne her

oh anmd this is in the 1840s or 50s

so the next day main guy goes on and a frenchie woprros about indians comming for his kids

well, we did see slumdog millionare where they spoon out the kids eyes

the frenchies gottta keep fire burning for their ancestors spirits as they are into daemon worship or w/e

eventually theyfinally get moving and i notive thety have 7 wwagons, so they can combine them into a megazord

wtf we're like half an hour in?! THAT ELT LIKE NOTHING!

so they go across the wildlands of America but dont ruin into Sasquatch or other daemons and at night main guy and frenchies try each others b00zes

main guy hears that the baskk promice their grade schoolers in marriage but ONLY marryu em at 18 and TOTALLY never b4 that

i mean its not like frenchies are el deviento!

aint that right maRQUIS DE SADE AND TRUDEAU?

later he teaches the frenchies about americas best item; the gun!\

shoot to kill b4 it kills you

nowadfays they'd make that look bad or have counter points that dont wqork in REAL life butr arre framed to work here

so they go on andmaiin guy talks to main frenchie about how his woman bit it and maiin chick was promised to his brother

then he makes f--king chimp sounds to communicate withguys far away and they stop for the night

maain chicj is swimming, probably nude, but main guy watrches and she sees him break a mirror

he tries to make out with her but she dont consent and she knees him in the man thing

imafguine if anna kicked ytuma in the parts in yugioh zexal?

ohhh, my zubaba b-lls!

Ohhh my dododo d-ng!

Ohhh my gogogo gon-ds!

shhe goes to main frencghie and he comfortsa her and then they continue, their jhourney, to the west

its said they can get there in 2 months annd 1 frenchie woman seems tio be eeither a man or hermaphrodite

one time I was playing Samurai Shodown and faced a woman in france and said; oh no, a french woman! the most masculine of aKLLL FRENCHIES!

later I told my french canadian friend and he's like; haaa, its true!

she talks with a guy about how main chick is promised to him

later at nighht main guy ggrabs main chick and doont b0ne her but walks and talks with him andshe sez she chooses her devolved protroculture over anything annd he smoocches her as she cr-ppily resiists but submits

this would not be made today

this frenchieoh its main frenchie, uses a long gun, as the frenchies have nothing long for them, and capsa a guy

he saw something moving and shot 1st, and it was the frenchioe main chick was to marry

so they throw him in a holew in the earths a55 and have a ceremony

btw, as Florida is America's b0ner, that means America is a Right Facing Nation, as the b0ndr is on the front

So California iss on the other side and would be Americas a55

so main frenchie wishes it was him in h-ll instead of the bf and main chick sez if main guy touches her she'd ice him

yeah some b--chy frenchie can TOATALLY take an Alpha Male American

also she coulsddnt stop him from making out with her

so the frenchies wanna quit, or rather, surrender, but main chick tells em to go onand they speak french w/o subs  like its srteven speilbergs west side story

tthe hermaphrodite sez their custom is to give the woman to her next of kin and main frenchie will marry maiin frenchie in soviet california

hermaphrodite offeras main guy a glass of wine to drnk to their thing, but he dumps it on the ground as wine is deadly

imaGINE if she offered him a line of blow or a needle of smack?

so they go on to mt doom to throw the ring in and at night main guy goes to see main chick and offers her freedom ofver being french

but main frenchie comes byand has  him at gunpoint and main guy goes

they go acrosss a wasteland and theres no more water so he sez to ration

but they wanna use the wwater on the plants as planbt lives matter

so like Moses did, they crosss the desert and its a 1 hour in with adds

1 wagon breaks and they wanna divide the items among the others but maiin guy knows the horses can't take it abnd sez to ditch some cr-p

main frenchie fights him cuz frenxhies are pretty unbalanced

i notice all the attacks are clearly missing

so main guy wins cuz hes not french and tells em to cllear out their cr-p from their wagons

later a horrse bites it, waiitm, its just f'd and main guy puts a bullet in it

shge wants to get water was the mountains but he sez its indsiancountry and sjhe dont care

main guy tries to get rid of the plants but the frenchies take his guns after she has him at gunpoint

so thery goo oof and find water and jump their bodies in there despite being french and not bathing

at night main guy is being guarded by  frenchies under orders of main chiuck and he sez he gives his word as a sioldier under general washington, who they dont knowe of, but believe him

the frenchjies go to sleep and oh yeah,, this fiolm is in proper fullscreen wityh colors

so the guys go on the next day annd theiir h-llfire pot they kept burning starts a wildfire that torches the area

main guy is going off but wwarns erm of it anbdguides them to the river

imagine if this was made today it would have emn outrunning cgi flames like in the day after tomorrow how they ran from the cold air as the walls froze over

the plants wagon falls over and main frenchie and main chick try tro save em by risking their lives fort f--king plants

so main chiuck is trapped in a h-llfire and main guy goes back and saves her as her dress burns

he throws her in the water, giving her a bath for once, and he is p-ssed at her for trying to offer herself for a sacrifice for plants

so after regrouping and main chick piuts out their fire pot and hermaphrodite sez "this is sacvrilige" as i guess the fire is their frenchie god

but maiin chick sez its ok to stop some thingsd

theres a subplot of a geezer frenchjie saying The instead of Zee

main guy asnd chick grow closer like rick and lisa in robottech but then they notice the indians doing smoke signalls

to be fair, the frenchies came on their land and tporched the place

main guy sez to get out and if theres an attack; circle the weagons

so the indians have a trap at the pass and they gotta ditch the wagons andget out in horses

but frenchies decidde to attack the indians in the mountains like with the Italian Stalliuan Napolian

main guy sez if they losae the indians get their women and chilsdren, like ants taking others coloniees larva and using it as their workkers

btw, why not try a diplomatic attempt?

talk instead of chopping em up?

explain the situation and use logic?

nah the french dont have logic, they just spazz out wghen someone "wrongs" them

so they prepare for this battle and maiin guy sez for main chick to go on w//o him and she smooches him and consents to being huis womaN

BUT MAIN FRENCHIE SEEZ and f u caps lock, go get injected with monbkey sppurm

so the man anmd frenchies go off to fight the indians and the remainuing frenchies are getting ready with artificial peopple, or jinzo ningen as decoys on the wagons

1 chixk is pooping oit a frenchie baby, who assuming he made it trto his 90s, would have diied of old age in ww2

main frenchie uses a lacross scoop to throw rocks to brain damage the enemy indian snipers

the frenchies use hand signs like ninja to plan moves

i assume main frenchue will bite it abnd main guy will get the girl

the indians come closer and tthe wwagons go on and main frenchjie mmaskes his monkey sounds whgiuch freaks out ther indians and they prance around as indians fire at en with wood link arrows

the frenchies use guns and takke em out but 1 frenchie gets arrowed in da back bvy an indian

they battle on and ddespite not knowing the area, the frenchies do well as their unexpected french kung fu is an element of surprise

1 guy shanks an indian and spooks their horses off and 1 frenchie gets speared through to as tree

those are some very european looking indians

etf 1 guy is leaping around like the hulk on a ttrampoline

the indians attack the wagons but main guy jumps him and takes him off

1 frenchie gets it in the intestine and its main frenchie and after the bsattle, maiin guy and him talk about how main frenchie wwads the bravest

bravest frenche? like tallest midghet?

sso the frenchies com,e basck with their wounded and the frenchie woman cry for their dead

mauiin chick sez its her fault as she went here annd spazzes oiut and attacks the plants

main guy sez they did it for the dream and to honor their ritual sacrifice by finishjjing it

main guy; cxome hewre, i'll sghhow you something

me; is it his weener?

he shows her the great vally wherethey can grow their demon plants and practice their rituals

oity was riight there and they spent all the time and they speent all that time slaughtering each other for notyhing

wtf maiin frenchie is still alive and i got the characters wrong wghen the got got it

so main chick and main guy hug andhe carries her in his arms to the woods and the wagoons  goo oon

the end

well, that was actually kinda good

i knew nothig of thosse frenchies butthis was a nice 1800s story

no lovve scenes or nude scenes and it has a good adventure story

good jjourney to the west and it shows how people did things

yeah i dumped on those devolved frogs a lot, but i don't hate em

yeah theres bad ones, a lot actually, but not all are evil

like how most naecroes don't kill people to b0ne the body

its got decent acting and nice film work and erich von stroheim did well as usual

glad i saw it

For Thunder In The Sun 2 I want main guy and the frenchies to be living in california and have kids but the h-llhole in california where the animals fear going has styrange occurances and theres sightings of abominations and strange creatures around. eventually they have to battle them and its  an epic lord of the rinbgs thing of humans with holy weapons vs weird la blue girl monsters. Its also an 8 bit srpg on sega master system, game gear nes, game gear i mean boy, tg16, atari 7800 and lynx where you go around with 1800s frenchies on a grid and battle and gain exp and level up like Shining Force

Sunday, April 24, 2022

I Saw The Light Review

 note; i spell like a country star

I Swaw The Light

This is my review on I Saw The Light from the distant future year of 2015

i never saw this b4 but its a biopic on hanmk wuillioms who was loved by gg alin

it stars Tom Hiddleston from War Horse and The Avengers and Kong: Skull Island, Cherry Jones from Erin Borckavich, back door Bradley Whitford from Thwe West wing, Adventures in Babysitting, RoboCop 3, Philadelphia Billy Madison, Kate & Leopold, The Cabin In The woods and 1 ep of SVU, Wrenn Schmidt from 1 ep of law and order, David Krumholtz from Addams Family Values, The Santa Clause, 10 Things I Hate About You, The Santa Clause 2, Josh Pais from the 90s TMNT 1, Scream 3, Phone Booth and a few eps of SVU, Jayson Warner Smith from Drop Dead Diva, nd some teens born in the 90s i never heard of

its directal by Marc Abraham who's usually a produicer

i nveer saw this b4 buyt my dad likes hank wiliams 01 and hanks grandkid hank willionas 3 hated it, but another relateive liked it

so after some credits ands title we get a cowboy singing a depressing song as credits go by

then its december in 1944 and raining like its soviet england but in the freelands of the confedetracy

this couple is gonna get divorced, wait, they were divorced and bnow are getting marrid by a gov gun instaed of a church

why not have a barmitzvah at a comic shop and read x men instead of the Temple and Torah?

then we get the main guy singing a song in a redneck bar and eventually a fight breaks out and mr hankey gets attcked

So his mommy he lives with dont feel good about him being a screw up and drives him around and b-0-ches at him over his woman being b--chy or somwthing

so hank hill goes to his band and is hammered and wait its a recording thing asnd his woman isnt with him

the manager is [p-ssed at him being a screw up and has em go live on the radio and he sez its his last program there on air

later hes reading his kid a comic book and his woman makes food and gets p-ssed that she didnt get to sing with him on thre air

later he writes a song and its based on a poem and prayer and this chick asks him to qrite her a poem bbut hanks mom sends her away

hank has a few more shows on contract and then he goes down to go on the opree but is turned down as he's 23 and dont have an appointment

but hes sent to some guy to test his mightand we get him getting a contract with a music exectutive and later he sez in a car ride that hes going my hiram after a Bible Historical Figure

later he's in bed with his woman but they aint naked and he suggests b0ning but his back is f=-=king out

then its the distant year of 1947 and he's singinga good redneck song and then he moves into a new home

so then he goes back too the station and does his radio thing with his band and lets his woman sing but the radio guys think shes cr=ppy

so these kinda biopics are not so bad to do as they just gottA have a few scenes between songs being reperformed

like an abridged series with fight scens being mini amvs

so he defends his woman and she hears and realizes shes cr-p and sez hank dont support her

she sez hes into drinking and b0ning other chix and dont care about how she buys fur coats and walks off

then we see the t-ts of a chick in his womans fur coat and its not his womana dn they kiss

so its 1948 and i thin we're free from the evil trueman and hank is all f'd out over drinkjing and his marriage cr-p

he gets a letter saying both he and woman wanna be boss but she wont submit to him and hes not a beta male so they split

after he has some spazz atttacks in a blanket for rehab or w/e, he goers out and meets with his homie

later he reads writings of his woman outing his dirtyy laundry and accusing him of weasting money and beign a drunk

he gets money from this bank thing and later is living with the dark haired b00bs in fur chick and when talking on the phone, he has to prove himnself with a band off

wait, its not the fur b00bs its the mom and she sh-ts on the wife

so he meets his wife and kid and wants her to come with him and has sent him im mean her money

she goes on about how they split and wants an official divorce and he wants anothe rttry to fix their marriage

she wants him to quit drinking and he sez he can try and they'll sing together

they smooch then we get what i think may be actual footage from the thingas its in fullscreen and they live in a trailer thats sometimes in a backyard

btw the main fim is widescreen and has black bars but is in color but its a hazy colro

then we find out that hanky got his woman pregggers and wants to be a real dad to him ubnlike his dad who wasn't there otr w/e

so hankey wants to do this song he didnt writge but his band sez its depressing and emo and gay, but he gets a shot

so later hes at a restrauant and spooning ketchup on his burger and finds his emo song got to the top of the charts

he wants to go to da opree cuz of it and then heards his womnan pood out their kid and its a boy!

the boy is like 10 lbs which might have been a tough delivery, but i've been copnstipated b4 so i know what thats like

then we see hank holding his kid whos small and i thought he was 10 lbs and he sings the song i saw the light to him

he rubns the baby';s face and its color comes off and he rubs more and finds out the baby is actually really really black!

jk thats maury!

so he chats with is woman about someone shanking a guy and hank staying straight from crime

so in 1949 he goes to the opree and preforms his emo song and its loved

then we getta universal newsreel with stuff of flying sauser sightings and how hankrey is touring amy bases in Germany

it must be connected to plan 9 from outer space

then we get ertha kitt singing santya baby as the wimmilamsd fam has a xmas party and hes in the garage wait, ioopening aand clkosing the garage and is drunk or high

how easily amused

imagine if he could see Sehga Genesis!

Altered Beast would blow his mind

then we get an intervuiew un fullzcreen and b/w of a mgm music guy ssaying how hank did songs on another name that s-cked and hanks woman was on em and also s-cked

so later mrs hankm calls man harm at his hotel and hes singing in da shower and dont hear her

later hank is being druiven and is on pills so i guess hes a junkie now, then snorts something

did they have nose candy in the 40s?

so then its 1950 and the cops come by with a high rank guy wjo wants hank to perform but his homie sez hanks toio sick

so he goes to this oytdoor show and theres a lot of 40s faMILIES AND he comes on all druink or high

so he goes on a spoken word monologue in rhyme like hes dolemite

later hanks homie talks with hank at night in the car and then we see hank viusiting his woman in the hospital

she's malcontent that hes never around and blames all her problems on him like shes a feminist or w/e

then its 1951 and hankey comes on this music thing arena annd introduces his fam, then sings his song about good looking cooking

then its later in 51 and hank sings a smoke add and gets the number of smokes in the pacxk wrong

he gives an interview and sez everyone has some datkness and he shows people it so they dont gotta take itr home

interviewer sez theres rumors that hank has booze issues and hank sez this mnedia guyis into rumors and not the truyth and walks out

seems the mesdia being evil was true in the past too

later he goers hunting with his chum and hank falls  from his devolved back

in the hospital they give him morfein and the dr sez he has spina bifita and they can operate to treat it

then we see the surgery with showing them openiung his back,m exposing his spine and cutting arounfd it with blood squirting out

jk really it skips it and he's bummed his woman wont stay with him, even though he left her for longer

they accuse each other of b0ning other people like its f--kin springer and hank jr heard

so the music guys want him to have a stand in but he wants to admit he's recoving from medical issues, but they dont wanna say it

is this a eugenics/evolution thing where they make people with bad dna look less fit to breed and less human?

in california they werre sterilizing people well into the 60s for being "unfit to breed"

so hank records a message saying hes had bacvk surgery and send it to the opree

later his woman comes back and hes gone, then she hears a gunshotr

she finds him with his head opened up  and blod everywhere

jk hes just firing his gunat the backyard and shoots the houseplant as hes goinbg mental

she sez she's done with him and then this mgm guysez hank moved in with ray rioce, who i assume is connecter to fisher price

then its a party and eveeryones smoking and drinking, which it totally different tan teens today into chronic and b0ning

hank reads accusations from mrs hasnk saying he made a lot of money but he deed naaaat heet her, its bool sh-t, he deeds naaaaat

so hank has some blonde and has a farm or ranch or something and he wishes he was back b4 getting famous

then its soviet 1952 and he goos too mgm and meets the mgm guy and he might getta part inna movie

the mhm guy wants to see hankie w/o his hat as hes got a fetish and/or wanrts to work his way to his ding d0ng

later his mommy comforts him and sez hes too good for his woman and hew goes out and sings a soing about wanting his woman to ove him

while singing he sees a cavewman looking woman but not in the animal skin bikini anmd aftewr da show comes onto her

this guy is there and hank asks her male friend if hes gonna marry her and friend sez no

hank sez he might and laster meets da parents and she has a few kids frim a past mariage at 16, wgich today is the same as 6

so they go back to hanks place and blondde is there and wants hank and sez he had a lot of chicks

cavewoman, named billy like the midnight express guy, leaves hankie

later jjimmy comes by and is p-ssed thathank didnt go to the opree evenn though he had a commitment

hank sez its a lot and jimmy sez hank has a duuty to help people wiutrh his music

later its later in 52 and jimmy lets hank go and hank is bummed

he gets his gun, puts it in his mouth and sez"i'll, see, you, all, in, h-ll," then blows his head open like in species 2 but more cg

jk really he calls billy and invites her to do stuff and later she's barfing un this cabin

wait its the blonde and shes pregnant

and he IS da father!

black guys: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

so they smoke and drtink even though shes got a baby inn the oven and its gonnas damage the kid

shhe wants to get married and wyf her name is biully jean like the michael jackson song

wow this is all done in 1 long take for the whole scene

so mgm guy sez he married billy and left boddy (oh, itsd not billy jean, its bobby jean) and he tried to get hankie new work

then this special dr comes to help hankie with his devolution or w/e

the dr iis cr-ppy and used bad drugs instead of pressure points and natural remedies

didsnt this happen to michael jackson?

also; his women are billy and bobby

what next? bunny? boney? booty?

so hank sings the song about cheeting heart, which sounds like a springer care bear

later habnk jr ghets a call from habnk dr and hank jr has a cho cjho train

hannk wants his son to ssee him and come by but 1st woman sez no

so hanks coughing and sees  hes got a list of dates to play

later hes being drivewn by his billy as unlike many wrd world countrues, women can drive in 1950s America

they arte going to his mommy and hank sez sorry for everything

mgm sez he had 2 shows to play and got a homies son to ddrive him and hes smoking and coughing

but any comnnection between those 2 is MISINFORMATION, and CONSPIRACY and PARANOIA! as the scientists say tobacco is safe and healthy!

he sez bye to his woman and goes off and gives 1 more show

wait, at the showe a guy sez hank bit it in his car on the way there

poochie died on the way to his home planet

then the guys on the area sing I Saw The Light to the people there

tthen we get footage of his thing and a narrator sez he died at 29 of heart damage and did like 36 songs in 6 years

i blame the booze, like errol flynn

also billy jean lived decades after him and well into the 21st century

they could have had 60 years together!

but booze and smokes f'd him dead!

then credits to hank music

the end

that was pretty good

nice soolid biopic of a man who made a mark

good style and feel

nice actiong andwrtiting

it had his actrual music

wtf threy rhyme jambalaya witn bayou?!

thats not how english worrks!

put yoh hanz inn da ei ya, if yu uh troo pla ya!

but i knew litt;le of hankie and this was not bad to me

glad i saw it

hANK wILLIAMs The Movie was pretty good

For I Saw The Lighjt 2 I want it to be about his kid with the blonde growing up and findinfg that not only was her dad hank aaron or w/e, but that he's descended from ancient bards who had a talent for music that let him connect witrh people, So she goes on a quest with the bards around today which have relocated to Alaska and traiuns with them but fight a tribe of bears that are descended by daemons who want to prevent her finishing her training and gaining the ability to use music to negate enemies. Also itsa an 8 bit RPG on Nes, Game Boy, Sega Master System, Gamer Gear, TG`16, Atyari 7800 and Lynx where you play ass her and use music as magic spells, kinda like the Game Gear Lunar Gam,e.

Saturday, April 23, 2022

The Return Of Chandu Review

 Note: I spell like itsd the 30sd

The Return of Chandu

Rhis isa my reviwew on The Return of Chandu from 1934 (50 years before Transformers G1 and and 110 years before the 3rd Robotech War)

Its the movie version of a 12 part film serial thats based on a radio serial, but this covers the 1st arc, Sorta like the Fist of the North Star movie

Its direcyal by Ray Taylor who did nothink I know of and stars Belass Lugosi from Plan 9 From Outer Space, Lucien Prival from The Racket, Bride of Frankenstein and The Great Dictator, Murdock MacQuarrie from Bride Of FRanklenstein, The 30s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Wilfred Lucas from Intolerance, Flesh and Blood, Santa Fe Trail, Mary O f Scotland and The Deviol Doll, Josef Swickard from The 20s The King Of Kings, Wizard of Oz and Dante's Inferno and The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and some 1800s dudes i never heard of homie yo wigg;le wiggle blickewtee black

I never saw this b4 but I like movies based on shows

so aftewr credits and title, we get a trsain 0or plANE STATIUONA D FRANK CHANDLER FROM FREIENDS IS COMIGN FROM THE COUNTRY THE OTHER YUGI CAME from with its princess

the princess seesm more mexican but its the 30s and anythiong non america is the same

chandler is delayed and somepeople get toghetehr and have a dance but the pirnces sis worried abouit being in sovietyy california, as i guess she knew it would devolve into mad max 1984

princess comforts i mean is comforted by this lady and later soem guys claiming to be chandlers hgomies come by and princess senses them being dangrous

also this is in b/w and is in proper fullscreen so no black bars weating half the image to fake looking cool

a beardo ASKS a guy where something si and later these guys say the princess was almost kidnapped and something about chandu the magician, which was rthe last movies title

lady tell the guys to go as the princess sences something and they get ready 

beardo has a guy take an item and then we see a plane comming in and guys comming in da station

the guys and their chicks look through name cards and fiund something and bela lugosi is on da pjhone and princess tells him to come and he sez he will

bela rubs his magic ring and i think vanishes or something, i dont know, i looked away, and 2 ghuys look in an empty phoine booth and the light is on

so princxess talks with people about some cr-p i can hardly hear and go to the main hall and have a toast by beardo

but then bela comes in and hes chandu and beardo flees with his homie

bela notices something with the guy brardo talked to and he tells him to meet him in the library later

bela tells princess that the reason people try to kidnap her is cuz of lemuria the lost continent

the lemurians wanna sacrifice the princess to bring back their thing and i think this is where nadia the secret of blue water got it from b4 disney ripped it off to make that atlantis movie

and according to wikipedia, chandu took a poiisn gl;ass of wine out of her hand b4 she drank it but i wasnt looking

bela grills the guy in the library and i think hes hhypnotizes and as her talks, this skiper uses a blow dart to j fk him

chandoo dodges the other darts and calls in the princess like a dumba55 when a smniper is just outside

he sez she escaped being iced and sez theres a meeting place of bad guys in soviet los angelas, which explains why they go there; cuz its f--kin evil!

in some lair, this turban guy puts on a cape and has a daemon ritual before a graven idol to forsee the future, and he sees chanfu

later chandoo talks to the muesum about sendign a mummy and then talks to princess about how the cops dont believe in magic

so then they go off and therse delivery men drive a vehicle by the museum but there are guys in the car hindign behiund the seat like thgat urban legend

later a gardener gives princess a flower when shes in a chair on the porch

Later Chandoo gets a boat hired for later and drives back but back in the place the princess is, shes somehow knocked out, i wasnt looking, and a guy tried to carry her off

if she was fat then he coudlnt, like that ps3 game, fat princess

so he hides in the closet and after these friends go in and out, he comes out and oh wiat, its the gardneer whos doing this

so he has her hid in a trunk and the delivery guys from the museum put her trunk inb and carry hewr off

so bela comes back and evenbtually they find shes gone and goes after where he somehow knows they are going in a car as he is that good like batman or w/e

so the delivery guys rbing the thing shes iin, a huge carco[phagus, which is probably made of stone and should weigh too much for 2 guys to carry

although 1800s people were tougher

teddy roosevelt walked off a bullet hole butn j fk wentg to h e double ireland from it

so bela stops and rubs his rin and has a skype call with hsi sensei or w/e who tells him toi have faith when he asks tom find her

he tells his younger male companion like robin or jimmy olson that its black magic whos strong that hes fighting

they drive on, wait, they were parked in a winding road in claiforna?! I played Road Rash! Tahts asking for a body count!

so they stop at a house an dbela goes in and looks around and in another place, the bad guy sez he can wake her up when he wants and will take her to the harbor

bela rubs his ring and by that i dont mean he's j-rkin off, and i thin he turns invisible and goes in this closet to the ritual room in the basement where d&d nerds do secks rituals to summon their characvters

he moves sh-t around and turns visible and the goons look at him

then he brings the princess upas hes strong enough to carry a full human on his own power, and drives off with her

turbano comes in and sees his men spazzing out and he finds the chan doo got the girl

So klandu tries his magics on her to wake her up and then we see some shiphands moving items in sneakyness

hsi magic isnt waking her up but as they say; when god gives you lemopns, you find a new god!

this creeper on board hides in a closet ad chandoo tells the frienbds that the black magfic is too strong and he needs tpo do some new cr-p

cvhandu talsk to da captain and the friends see a light moving at night

its the invid! call the zentraedi!

so beardo sneaks in the room and waint, he catches a guy sneaking and drags him out b4 a really cre-ppy punch on the floor

then ties him up and goes back to princesses room and this sleeping princes thing is like that zelda game

it cuts away so i assume he b0ned her and he waves a flashlight on the window and this small boat comes by

i think beardo is the main bad guy but no turban and tells her an order and uses magics to wak her up under his control

he carrys her out and the tied up guy egts uop and out of his bindings and alearts the ship

so beardo has the princess at knifepoint on the deck and chandoo uses his mind control to make her drop the knife, i mean him

they use the lights on his eyes like in his other 30s films

princess walks towards chanfoo and beardo falls in the water but is caught by his men in the boat who drive away

so the boat has some damage and the lady who assists the princess finds a body

so then they are in some foreign place and princess gets a note from chandu to meet her somewhere and she goes but in the car senses danger

chandoo coems back and finds she went out but he sez he never sent a note

1 scens has a native dance of some gaijin spazzing out with knifces in her hands or w/e

this decroded chick ses shes doing a death dance and princess and her friend are captive

oh and beardo is in the building and sez both chicks will be sacrificed

chan doo comes in this bar and sees the knife dance and writes somethingfor his little buddy to send

so then the bad guy beardo is gonna ritual sacrifcie the girls in this fire thin

chandu mind controls this cloak guy and comes down deiguised in his cloak

as they are gonna do her, he fight emn and theres a big chgaotic fight scene

bela fights the bad guy on a upper area and sometimes its stunt doubles and eventually, the beardo falls off and into the fire pit

so then bela and his princess is safe and she thinks her problems are over

then these guys holding big a55 king kong gates opn up and it sez trhe end

the end

that was good

nice solid 30s action

sorta what Batman TAS was based on

Good twists and trill

nice flow and style

its only like an hour long so they add like over 20 mins of adds on tv

i think its public domain and holds up pretty well

nice exotic adventure

for The Return Of Chandu 2 i want the ewicked goddess the guy worships to bring him back as a booked zombie and he goes on a rampage to get revenge on Chandu by tearing off chunks of pepple and adding their flesh to his own to make him stronger. Eventually he faces Chandu and Chandu has found Christianity and rebukes the evil and the evil cooked zombie flesh golem asplodes in a big meaty burst and he saves the girl. Also its an 8 bit gaME LIKE sPELLCASTER but on Matser System, Game Gear, Nes, Gmae Boy, TG16 and Atari 7800 and Lynx where you play as \the bad guy for most of the game getting flesh from people, but the last level is you as Chabndu ecafing his attacks and blastying Holy Wordsa at him

Friday, April 22, 2022

The Lone Gun Review

 note; i spell like a cow boy, but not a furry who's cow like, nor a minotaur

The Lone Gun

This is my review on The Lone Gun from the Distant Future Year of 194 (90 years before the 3rd Robotech War)

Its directal by Ray Nazarro who did dozens or=f films i never saw

It stars George Montgomery from ZBlack Patch, Dorothy Malone from Basic Insinct 01, Frank Faylen from Gone withg the Wind and The Grapes of Wrath, Neville Brand from The Birdmasn of AlcatrZ, Douglas Kennedy fro Life With Father, Douglas Fowley from Mighty Joe Young and 7 Faces of Dr. Lao, Fay Roope from The Day the Earth Stood Still amd From Here to Eternity, Robert J. Wilke from 20 000 leagues under te sea and From Here to Eternity and Spartacus, and some dfudes i never saw in other cr-p

i never saw this but its on Grot i mean Grit and is ony like 74 mins accortding tyo wikiupediA, SO that means we're getting 45 mins of commercials

holy cr-p its written by Richard Schayer who did The Dragon Painter

I liked that one

spo after logo's and title and credits, i see its in propler full screen and has kinda faded color but still more than most things today

then text saying in the frontier of texas; the strong and evil overpower the weaker noble ones like hokuto no ken or violence jack

a guy on horse comes by another guy named fairewheartyher like the chick in power rangers lightspeed rescue, but horseman wont give his name, wait, its cruz

faireweatrher, or fw is doing geographical cr-p and is friendly but cruz is stern

they ride oof and later gw wants to play cards and reveals hes a super elite  card player like Mai in Yugioh

in 1 toiwn 3 guys got capped and the townsfolk strung the alleged killer up

fw dont like when men take the law into their hands but cruz dont care for da law

then fw fires by cruz who goes nuts but its revealed there was a black snake by him

but the snake is harmless and fw shot an innocent snake, who was probably also a virgin

and the snake was UNARMED! lITERALLY!

so the next day they go to a bar and 1 barkeep sez theres a rrancher nearby who has many unmarked caTTLE

wait, its them comming to town now and it was 2 homies

1 guy recognizes gw from old el paso for jyuuing him in a card game

as fw is outta money, the gut is gonna jack gw's things so cruiz sez n and the guy slugs him

they fight and 1 part in the chaos has gw shank a guys artm to get his gun

fw sez he only remembers guy who beat him and cruz dont buy the story of the thugs saying he took em for 500$

fw is gonna sell a saddle and sh-t and maytor talks with cruyz about wanting him to be marshall

the last guy broke the law more than follow it and thinks cruyz is tough

cruz was marshakll b4 and didn't like it, so mayor trys guilting him into it

You know u wwanna, all the cool kids asre dooin t

so cruz becomes marshal and meets fw again who has jyuued the peopler in card games to make money

Fw sez he wants to have a casino of his own and cruz sez he wants to prrevent violence

then thebad guy steals a buncha cows and brands em with his oogo, kinda like those ants that steal other colonies lareva and use them as workers for their queen

after that montage, the rancher tellls the marshall and fw sez where the bad guys are so cruz goes off

at there he seez da cowz and goos oover but a chick shoots off his hat

in the real version she blew off the end of his thing

she sez her and her bro own in (bro own? B0NE?!) and bro and his droogs come by

he sez word has it they have only a few cows but they say they got more from old el paso

hes gonna look bt they say he needs a warrent so he good too get oone

1 guy sez he didnt like them using stolen cows and dont want em icing the shgerif

its her bro and she hears and is unp[leaszed by his using stolen goods

you know, as killing the unborn is called "reproductive" care, then slasvery would be seen as "property rights, and the underground railroad woiuld be a "stolen property ring"

legally its accurate, but ethically, yeah

so bro owns the gang 3000$ which is a lot in w.e this is

so chick goes to warn cryuz that the bad guys wanna ice him and her bro wants to quit the gang but its hard

So da baddz go to town and try to j fk him as he comes by and as hes going is fired on but falls and hits the shrubs

1 guy comes at him and he counters  and takes him out

then picks off the guy in the tower, who falls out the window

bro is grilled by cruz on the 2 guys and how their horses have his brand

fw tal;ks with main guy about how fw has to check his derringer in this place

bro tries to getta lone but is denied as he needs better credit

the badds talks about how bro wants to get money from the saloon  to get free from their indentured servitude, so they gonna do sh-t

so bro seez da barkeep and fw offers him a card game abnnd they play as the badds come in

they ssee fw's gun and barkeep lets emsee and handle it

they talk to bro about the money he owns em and bro wants them out of his life

they offer him a card game tyo deciude the destiny; winner gets either the ranch or the 3000$

if you lose the duel you lose your soul

fw deals and shucffles but is in control like the shapelings of prpotpoculture

it shows their cards but i dont know what it means, then they discard to draw new cards

so bro wins and is then cappped with fws gun and cruz came by

the guys who are bad say fw did it and wanna string him up but ted cruz sez "he's in custody"

this just went j fk 2 electric boogaloo

so fw is in jaile and cruz and fw talk about if he did it

fw sez a 3 of spades is showing up a lot and that the bad guys money wwas on the line, not his and they had the motive

also as he gypped a lotta guys in games,theres not many guys who dont hate him in town

terry cruz comes by da chicks ranch and gives him i mean her the money he won

she goes on about how she had plans for doing sh-t with him b4 the bad guys came in and f'd em

he wants her to testfy but bad guycomes by and sez sh-t so main guy cruz beats his a55 through a wood fence into a trough

so he arrests him and takes him in but bad guys homies are gonna try to free him

they ride in firing but mai  gguy returns fire anfd there a car chase in 1800s style; living cars; the horses!

the chasers split up and open fire but no one gets hit

so mai guy gets hit ands s9oome mexicanioos come by and fire on them to save maiin guy

its the mexicvios from the chicvvkls farm and ui think bad guy gotta way

the badds goons try using hot coals to heat the middle link in his handcuffs as he slowly cooks in a creamy basil sause

so they plan to get fw and use him as the bait and after cooking fior a bit, they shoot through the chainlonk and then it breaks after he jerks his arms apart

so chick treats soma cruzs arm and sez sge saw the men changing brands and he wants her to tekll the law it

she agrees and the bads come by da jail and tell barkleepo to tell cryz whjere to go

they go in abnd make the secretary take off his shackles and get him the keys to the jail

they beat him out and while hes out, ccap hium in the jailcell with a nearby gun, then go out wuth fw

in the real version they b0ned him dead

later dr sez secretary would bite it froim skull cracking amnd the town thinks he did it

cruz finds the 3 of spades and sez hes going after the bad guys and barkleep sez main guy is in on it with fw

chuick out the bads and main guy wants to go with a posse to get the bsads but mayor wont give em any men

barkeep gets the guys to make mayer ask for his badge and hee refuses to return it

he sez how this town is a buncha candya55es who say they want peace but wont do anything of it

also the barkeep working for the bads and turning peoople againdst the good guy is like the media making te Good guys look bad when their masters fear em

so main guy chats with chick who sez for once she wishes she were a man so she can fight but he sez hes glad shes not and goes off

to be fair, in golden axe, streets of rage and Contra Hard Corps, there are bada55 chicks who fight as well as any man

plus Lillian Gish was a bada55 shot and was a real firecracker for like a century

so the bads talk with fw and how cruz might getta posse and they think no one will stand wth him

Sobarkeep comes back and tells em that only cruz is comming and will put things up where they f cruz up

so main guy sees barkeep and catches him annd figures it out but barkeep denies it

he followed the tracks and brings him with him and meanwhile, fw is cooking for then

so cruz and barkeep come by and find the handcuff sna dhe handcuffs barkeepm  to a ttree for the sasquatch to b0ne dead and if he don't come back, he's gonna bite it

then main guy outs on barkeeps coat and hat and takes his horse and comes up

the badds see him and think its barkkeep and he goes up with hsi head low so they dont see his face ebhind the hat

he jumps out and takes him hostage and has a gun in his back

he brings him up as a hostyage and has the bads at gunpoint wherre he can just cap em all now

but he dont as this has to end in a fight

he has fw get the bads guns but the main bad catches him and holds him hostage

the 3red bad statd going to attck him and main bad dont care if his bro gets it

fw sez take a chance and aftewr some slow movement the other bad and main guy firte and both hiostAGE BROP AND OTHER GUY GTE IT

main bad trys to fire but feww fights him and he falls in the fire for a sec a55 1st

main guy fights main bad and they fall off a cliff but its not far and main bad puills a switchblade

after a fight for liek 2 mins, main guy beats his a55 and oh yeah, the bad confessed as he thought the main giuuy wouldnt life

so main guy brings in bad guy and barkeep and fw is cleared

they are gonna have a trial and ride to town

the end

that was nice

solid good vs evil western about honor and duty

sorta like a samurai film

good acting and the bad guys are good andf bad and the god guys are bad a55

cool manly and strong and brave

i liked it

now to ruin it for the cr-ppy sequel

For The Lone Gun 2 I want the trial to find the main bad guy not guilty as the hatred of the fairweather is too high and they end the cruz's work as sherrif or marsdhall or w/e. So he gets on a mask and goes around as a dark hero who takes people out who do crimes in the night and uses a long blade to slice through the enemies. also he finds the main bad guy from before was actually a mastermind behind all the wrongs in the area and has finished his daemon rituals to gain unhgoly powers and now can fire blasts of evil ki and dont need a gun, so he uses a holy blade blessed by a priest to slict through it andf take him on. Its also an 8 bit Sega Master System, Ners, Game Gear, Gameboy, TG16 Arati 7800 and Jaguar game where you play as the cruz and go through these shaded inked levels and fight people who submitted to the main bad guys daemon rituals to be devolved into power abiminations

Tuesday, April 19, 2022

Tomahawk Review

 Note: I spell GETTER CHANGE!


This is my review on Tomahawn from ther distant furture year of 1951 (81 yyears before both The 3rd Robotech War and Transformers Battlestars The Return of Convoy)

Its dirtected by George Sherman wwho did Big Jake

It stars Van Heflin from Santa Fe Trail, the 40s Madame Bovary and The Greatest Stiory Ever Told, Yvonne De Carlo from The Munsters, The Ten Commsandmentrs and How The West Was Won, Alex Nicol from The Twilight Zone and The Screaming Skull, Preston Foster from Doctor X and I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang, Jack Oakie from The Great Dictator and the 30ss Alice in Wonderland, Tom Tully from The Moon Is Blue, Rock Hudson from Embryo, Susan Cabot from The Wasp Woman, Arthur Space from The Swarm, Russ Conway from The War of the Worlds and The Screaming Skull, Ann Doran from  Rebel Without a Cause, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, His Girl Friday, Yankee Doodle Dandy, The Snake Pit, and some 1900s dudes i never knew of

i never saw this b4 but heard its good

so after logo, we get an axe hit and treee and title then credits

then we gt a narratorsaying in wyoming in 1966, or 76, i didnt hear, theres 2 groups of men ready bto battle over issues and attacks


main guy is here to mediate and sez the suu are being forced back by treaties and theres a trail being made to gold over the suu's hunting ground

main guy sez theres another trail they can take and America should make a compromise

but America sez he's got a bias towards the indians as hes friends with em

1 suu cheif speaks english and now knows they wer egonna jyuu him

he tells his people things in his language and leaves and main guy sez he sed the american repsmare liars

well, they DO work for the gov

oh and there was a fort coming up being made or something

an army guy says they will keep the fort on the suu land and wants main guy to be hisn scout but he don;';t consent

theres a lutenent there that main guy isnt keen on and after seeing him, he agrees to jion the scouting thing

then we see main guy trading card i mean items with the suu and 1 drunk guy slugs main gjy but he lets it slide

to quote hank hill; if i hit him bnack, its a fight, if i don't, itds assault

main guy tells a leader not to start a war as America is too strong and leader sez he wants to appropriate White protoculture but the Americans want him to go too fast

in another place, a wagon guy wants to go by but the army dont give protection for anything less than 5 wagons

he needs to get to wherever hes going fast as its costing him 500$ a day

the lutenent goes with em and munsters chick comes along on a route to get to thw place

at night even though its clearly day and just edited coloring, munsters sez her uncle is going to vierginia tro get da gold

luutenent sees some indian teens and caps 1 but another gets awaym which i;m surprised they were allowed to do in the 50s

luutenent sez to his sergent to say he fired at a fgox and missed, then they hide the body

imagine if they disposed of the evidence by eating it?

i mean he is the bad guy, go fulkl rikioh

btw this is in proper fullscreen and is well colored

the next day munsters talks with lutenent and he sez he was wounded in 63 and now is a good indian fighter after going on missdions to take em out

kinda like how europe celebrats its "elimnination" of downs syndrome by taking out the unborn suspected of it

or asia celebrationg how they have sons by executing their daughters

lurtenent goes on and sees a skull with blask pictuires on it and goesa on

then main guy comers by and sees it and sez theres trouble and goos oon

then we see suu guys on horses hiding by the edges of this sand deep thing and 1 pulls a j fk on the uncle and gets him in the heart

lutenent goos after them with a guy but loses track of em

then they come by main guy and his womana dn homie and wanna know where the suu went

main guy sez they are skilled with the horses a55 and can go places neither lutnenet nor main guy can go and lutenent goes off

so lutenent pulls the arrow out of uncle and hes ok and just needs some rest, wait, he dont and they gotta drive easy to avoid the wagon bouncing causing uncle to bite it

lutenendt dont ike main guys wife as shes red and they go to the fort

in there, munsters looks nervous at all the  men there like they are gonna b0ne and ice her

like its violence jack or berserk or something

lutenent tells his suyperior of the uncle getting shanked but donbt say how he started it as it makes his side look bad and the side he hates look good

like the media and news lying about those it dont like

the army guys are nice to main guy but not to his woman and he dont like it

this is actual racism, not just "he disagreed, i'm triggered"

main guy sez the suu wouldnt attack for no reason and sergent sez there was no incident that happened b4

but later main guy confronts him and sergent tells that these 2 indian kids were stealing hiorses so lutenent capped one

i thought those were the indian kids horses

so they were theives?

in roman times they crucifgied theives

in samurai times they used them for weapons testing by seeing how many a Katana can cut through in 1 swing

in mus lim countyries, they slive off theives arms

in soviet los angelas this korean was sick of shoplifters and opened fire on 2 of em

later munsters sez the dr sez the arrowhead is too close to uncles heart and wont operate so she gets main guy to do so

so main guy does the surgery and its all offscreen with showiung their faces and above the nips

so tyhe surgery was a success and munsters wants to have main guy be a dr or her bf or something

luutenent talks with munsters over how main guy is biased IN FAVOR OF THE INDIANS AND thhat he's married to the indian woman

then we see the suu going on a buffalo run and then we see main guy seeing some suu going around in the woods

so then the soldiers see a soldfier coming but it was a suu in soldiers outfit and i wasn't looking as i was dealing wih cr-p on discord

so a letter comes in and now the army wants to fight the suu

so munsters said main guy wanted her to look after his woman but she didn't consrent and she talks with uncle about it

2 women try to help main guys wife with english and they talk about it

munsters goes  out on horse and wife sees

main guys homie thinks theres gonna be something awful toimorrow and superior officer colonel wonders what is the deal with main guy and lutenent

col wonders what side main guy will choose and main guy dont give an answer

the next day the bugeler gets j fk'd by an arowr and main guy goies out i think

main guy attacks this indian on a horse and its the guy who punched him

he tackles him off the horse and fights and i think ends him but then sees munsters and gets her to a safe place as the horse goes off

she sez something about his wife and he reveals she isn't his wife and tells a long sotry

years back was a shai an who made a treatry and later some guys came by and went to kae the west safe fpor White Men whoiced 200 people in the shai an's village

chopped em up and probably b0ned em dead

the chick we thought was the wife was the sister of main guys wife and had a kid and both were iced

now he's goping like The Crow and takling out those who did it

wtf we're in the last act, the movies almost over!

that went by quick

so the indians come back to the area and have the body of the drunk guy who attacked main guy and its the son of the cheif

he puts a gee haad on them and oh wait, its made to look like night but really its clear day and tinted

munsters bnickers weith main guy about some cr-p and i think they are back in the fortress maximus and main guy tells how the guy he icxed was the cheifs fave son

were the other sons j-rk offs?

was this like Joseph and the Technicolor Drewam Coat where the other sons were gonna execute the good one?

so lutenent talks with munsters about how hes gonna get the indians and comes onto her but she dont consent

he unzips and a long crwam coolored tentacle comes out and wiggles aroung before going in her mouth!

jk really she goes to talk with uncle and sez he dont get it as hes a man so he sez talk to a wo man

a team of men goes out for firewood and munsters meets not wife and gives her a necklase thing and they smile

a lady comers in and reveals not wife is learning english most good ing

ireegardless of a education, son of a b--ches am a whole nother leverls of bads the grammers

colonel i mean sergent accuses main guy of his homie beging a worker of the indians and having told tbhem as rthe war drums started after he left

a group goes out and munsters comes out and tells main guy that lunentent weas in the group that attacked thew village asn he mentioned being in it b4 in the film

so lutenent meets with troops who say they chased 20 off and took out 2 of em

luteneing sees guys by a hill and figures he cant lose and will get a propmotion and goes after em

they chase em and get to em, then draw sabers and charge but the indians flee and a huge swarm of indians come out and arrow them

the surviving kid who he went at b4 was there and fires an arrow at him

so main guuy comes out with guys and findsalitenent and his duedes iced, then main guys homie comes by saying that a lot of weapons came by and now are gonna get the ammo\

lutenent is not dead dead and wait its not him, its a peeon who sez lutenent did it for a promotion

survivor sez someone went out by the hills and wait, its lutenent who booked it and left his men to be iced

the survuiiving horse theif kid chases him and fights him in the water

wait, the kid is watching and main guy fights luitenendt

yuu keela mai fah muh lee, nowa yuu dai!

so louteneint sez he wwas only following orders to ice the vollage and his fam and the kid j fk's him in the back as main guy lifts him up

my mom noticed the protection pad on his back where the arrow hit, which she has cr-ppy eyes and this would be more visiable ion the big screen

main guy returnns and sez the kid j fk'd the guy and the tropps get the emmo wagons back to the fort

a swarm of indians comers over the hill and the army gets ready to battle

they say their chants or cast spells or w/e and main guy sez the enemy will attack in waves to keep em from reloading, but these new hguns can reload 3x as fast like char's red zaku

the cheif comes by and gives the signal that ssays they fight til 1 or both sides is dead

the enemy atatacks and is taken outso they send another wave comes out, only to be mowed down again

what is this? warsong on sega genesis? ala langrisser 01?

this goes on until the cheif comes down withn his trops but stops and collects his mens bodies

col spares him and dont fire and later goes to washington to get a new treaty

main guy sez it was the guns that beat them and the gov closes the fort

yeah but those were made by them

so narrator sez about how the indians get kind of a win in 1868 and will go on for 30 years

the end

oh and this was based on actual events

But that was pretty good

Nice effects and acting

Good music and color

It had good flow and didn't draG

iT had good twists that kinda holds up

It shows how the gov make some people treated bad, but didn't make America look like "the bad guy" like modern things do

For Tomohawk 2 I want a few of the Suu to be disgruntled by thew gov and make a wicked pack witrh their peoples past al;lies: The Sasquatch. They raise an attack on nearby America Towns to drive out the Americans to get back the lands they feel were taken, But Thomas Edison has made a new electric armor that allows Humans to fight on par with Sasquatch. So he sends a team of Humans in Power Armor and thery face the Sasquatch in their kindsa ancient combat ritual, where the winner gets the land. Also its a 16 bit Tournament Fighter on Sega Genesis, Snes, TG16, Atari Jaguar and GBA where you platy as a Human or Sasquatch and battle the other team until you face the sasquatch emperor

Sunday, April 17, 2022

Alienator Review

 Note: I spell like alien shows on The History Channel think


This is my review on Alienatort from the distant fuiture year of 1990 (The year Transformers Zone came out)

its directal by  Fred Olen Ray who did Alien Dead, Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold and a buncha films that sound like p0rn0

It stars John Phillip Law from Barbarella, Ther beefy bronze blonde Teagan Clive from Interzone, P. J. Soles fro Carrie, Hallowween 1 and The Devil's Rejects, Robert Clarke from Bedlam, The Hideous Sun Demon, From the Earth to the Moon, and was the dad of Cam Clark from Robotech, Leo Gordon from Big Top Peewee and The Night of the Grizzley, Joseph Pilato from Beetleborgs and Digimon, aand a few other guys i never saw in anything else

according to tthe imdb, its a sdorta remake of The Astounding She-Monster and is a lot like Critters 01

I saw some of this b4 but not all the way through

huh, Teagan is married to Stan Berkowitz of DCAU writing

Guess he likes muscle chicks, Nice, that explains all the Superhero shows

so after creits and we get text saying on some planet in a galaxy a guy named after one of those daemon godsd in the Bible who the celebs worship is oppressing people and theres an uprising

many innocents bite it and the leader of the uprising is caught and sdentecned to be executed

on a prisoin planet but not like ion shadow raiders/war planets or supoer draghon ball heroes, the xexecutioner is getting ready to end him

executor tells rebel he wants him to suffer but executioner is told he has a vidsitortt wjho he thinks is comming tomorrow

exe beats on reb and leaves and reb sees a buig on the wall aand an item in his cell

exe finds the general is here and his secretary is in an outfit with holes cut for her b-00bs but is in a bra

also i hear 1 guy on this had his gf into the black arts so this explains the bad guys name

a guy comes to pobserve the execution and they put another guy to be executed in a cell by rebel to f with him

obserber talks with secretaty about how she can executre guys with a button and he sufgfests standing up for huiman life(they're human??)

but she sez its her job, like that calvin and hobbes thing with the aliens, and exector sez this is the end of the line fopr those wq/o any appeals left

so observer sez the executed to be guy has kids but exector sez he shouldn't have been "allowed" to breed, implying eugenics, which comes from evolution

on onservers planet they dont executtre even if they got it comming

so exectur presses a button and the not rebel is didsintegrated with light but revbel breaks free, gets a lazer and treies to fight his way out

mega man exe cutergoos after him and theres a NEON LAZER BLAST FIGHT

reb takes out guys and gets aaway, then sneaks around and puts a cloth of parasites on as guards face as thery go inside his head

now it would be with cg but this is done well

so rebvel gets to the airlock and escapres so the executer  calls inn da hunter unit

then we get title and credits and its pretty 80s with music that sounds like a video game kinda

btw this is colored and in proper full screen

so reb goes around in a space craftthats made of matter and NOT really cr-ppy cg that eats the budget to look like a55

he makes it to da urth and then we see some Americans in an RV going around what I assume is the Confederacy

the driver is drinking beer like hes buster bunny in the banned ep of tiny toons and they see the fire thing come through the sky

there's also a nerd and a vally girl in da rv

where the spacecraft crashed, they user a miniature and perspective to look like its big as the guy is behind it in the distance and the rebel comes out and acts mentally ret-rded

eventually he is in the road and beer drinking driver bumps past him and they check him

driver is worrided of being in tyrouble for ruunning over a guy and they bring him to take him to a ranger station by the camping grounds

in da rv he screams and spazzes out b4 blacking out with his mouh open for someone to take a big steamy dump in

then we see some comic hunters doofing around in da ewoods and the dumb one yakes some cans off the ground for target practice

they find a rabbit in a trap and th waRDEN CATCHES Em and they claim they were helping it

if they get 1 more write up they go to tghe work farm, and warden sez this part of the woods is a game preserve and is only catch taG AND RELEASE

BUT they say all the good animals are there and they need bear traps in case of bears and cougars and sasqyatch

the doofs go asnd warden gets the rabbit to insert in his back door or w/e people do with em

so laTER ITYS NIGHT AND THERES A loty of fog machine fog and the teens who are like 34 get the ranger and tell him of the guy they hit

they check him and they say he was hit 20 mins ago which isnt likey as now its night and it was day when they hit him

so ranger warden checks him and calls the dr to come over and dr is drinking and kinda f'd

driver wants to go but warden wants to check his license and go on the computer

rebel jerks around and spazzes out gores back and laster its nighter and he comes to and cant talk rifht asn hes got a coller on his neck

he warns em that somethings comming and they wonder what his deal is

he sez hes from another world and was gonna be executed and the ones after him will hunt and end him and the 30 year old teens

then another ship lands and they use a perspective shot to make it look big and it looks better than any of that new star wars cr-p

on the prioson planet the open t-ts chick is grilled for leaving thew safety on in the execution thign and  exectuor comes on to her like weinstein

observer comes on and secrietay leaves and another guy coimes in and sez the tracking device is in his collar and working

executer wants the prisoner iced no matter the cost and back on the earth warned stantion , ther power is out and rebel sez the bad guy is taking over the power systems

reb sez hsi homeworld was destroyed like in grendizer or the manga of black lion and most 30 year old teend dont believe him

so dr's car ois f'd pout and teagan comes out in a metal bikiniand mask with a blaster arm and zaps him aND HE evaporates

wait he catches firte, thoguth he vanished b4

we see him burn with a puppet of him cooked , its pretty bada55

warden goes out to check the generator and valley girl asks if rebel knows E T

so the machines dont work and the doofy guys from b4 whine abotu their truck not starting and they come across the cooked dr and want his car

eventually they ntoice the cooked dr and his nadme is doc BURNside

so they goo oon and later the nerd in the warden place is sure the rerbel is a real space man

driver points a gun at him and is joking around and warden tells him so stop being a j-rk off

man the acting in this is kinda cr-ppy, but not so bad that its epic like la blue girl

then the car alarm goes off and rebel spazzes out as the lights on and off like eyes open/close with the egg from outer space from pj katies farm

outside is metal bnikini teagan and nerd and wearden gom out to see

rebel and driver goi out and se her and rebel sez to ice her

comet blurrs out teagans crotch even though shes weraring a metal bikini and rebel convinces driver to fire on her

teagan fires and evcapoprates a truck and the gangf flee out the back door

warden wants to get to another cabin but driver sez they just lefty one and rebel sez to seppuku so its less painful

thats what this msuic reminds me of!

Alien Soldier on Sega Genesis

Irs got that techno cyber beat

latr teagan takes out a wood spike from her leather boot and pulls the tip through her rubber foot as she stpped in a trap hole of spikes

so warden and friends get to the colonel and then we see teagensee a deer

she scans it and finds its non hostile and it comes to her and she pets it

so after telling cooonel the story offscrean and colonel sez the Soviets had a Lazer in Nam

colonel thinks his a k 4 7 can take out the alienator, kinda like donald hayes thinking the grand cannon can takre out the zentraefdi, ort anatole leoprtnard thinks his forces can take the robotech masters

colonel gets a gun that can stop a bull elep[hant in a 100 yards and shoots off the collar from rfebel

colonel leonard has driver guard the door and gets an anti personal mine

rebel wants to use a net of metal to f up its circuts and colonel hayes sez he has barbed wire and chicken fence

back on prison planet; the observer beats executer in a gamer executer is updated on the situation

back on da urth teagenm walks around in ehr metal bikini and we get a clear shot at her beefy thong a55

colonel plants the mine and the collar and teagan comes by and they bvlurr out her crotych again

she fires on the wardena nd colonel and they firtre back and all miss and escape in the cabin

teagan tyalks in alien talk with a cyber voice and rebel sez it sez it will let them go if they give himup and lay down their arms

colonel fires on the mine and blows her away but she is unharmed

btw on youttube in french this movcie is on and its widescreen and is missing the top and bottom

rebel offers to team up with driver to make him rich if he helps him and teaches this worlds ways

but driver dont consent as rebel is a walking targewt

so then nerd tells abotu how as a kid he wanted to be john carter of mars

then alienatormis on da roof and they shgouldnt fire aty the cieling as it mgiht torech the roofd

so driver fires and warden sez"u got sh-t for brains kid?!@"

valley girl runs otu to da car and wardewn and colonel go out after her

driver goes out and teagan throws away his gun and strangles him

unable to resxist, he startsd j-rkin off and blasts the floor wioth goo

jk really she throws him to the ground and valley ghirl uses a crossbow on teagean

she pulls out out the back of her head and the warden aND COLONEL FIRE ON HER

the shots spark off her matal bikini like its power rangers and nerdlinger throws a metal net on her that spazzes her out

warden wants to burn the body but colonel sez its proof and taKES her lazer cannon

rebel uses his ki to heal drivers neck and sez he can trach him it

when driver sez the gob will vivisect him, he puts back the pain, then later he does some ki thing and red ki comes out of drivers face

thern tis day and driver comes back anc sez he weas p-ssing and dont know where rebel is

valley gril sez"the suns come up" even though its bright day and has been for hours

driver drinks a beer and crushes the bottle in 1 hand and is coming onto the other girl w/o consen t

warden makes him back off so driver caps him in da arm

turns out, rebel took over drivers body and iced him and then runs outta bullets so nerdlinger attakcs

as the nerd is a55 kicked by the joick, they have a shatner level fight

then teagan comes outa f--kin nowhere and axes off driver rebels head

teagan sends in word she iced rebel and observer freaks out

teagan vaporizes his head and gives em a bag aND WEALKS OFF AND IN THE BAG ARE SPACE JEWELS

observer sez he was exiled for fighting but exectoer sesz their group iced countelss innocents

observer pulls out a lightsaber and sez the rebel was his son and executer fights and punches through him with a hand

in da cabin they wonder what to tell others and colonel dont know if he believs it

then they go out and seetreagans spacecraft going off as colonel sez she sa great woman

then credits to that alien soldier music and blue fdont on black background

the end

that was actuallly kindas good

nice twist that the guy they were after was the bad guy

teagan was bada55

good effects and style

good 80s vibe and tyle

stefanie bardack? like the dbz guy?

peeny cooper? like if the big bang theor7y guiy got married?

i enjoyed this one and its pretty entertaining and has a good cheesy low budghet 80s style

for alienator 2 i want her to be sent on another planet to catch a cyber criminal and goes through the escaped guys planet what he reprogrammed to atytack her. also its a 16 biut Sega Genesis, Snes, TG16 Atari GJaguar and GBA pplatform game where ytouy play as the Alienator and fight on this cybertech world and blast through robots and mechs

Friday, April 15, 2022

The Vampire Bat Review

note; i spell el vampire-oh taro

The Vampire Bat

This is my review on ther vampire bat from the distant future year of 1933(100 years before the 3rd Robotech War)

Its directal b Frank R. Strayer who did nothing i've seen but seems to like blondes

it stars Lionel Atwill from Doctor X, Captain Blood and Son of Frasnkenstien, Fay Wray from The Affairs of Cellini, Black Moon, King Kong, Doctor X,The Most Dangerous Game and the 20s Ben Hur, Melvyn Douglas from Captains Courageous and The Old Dark Gouse, Maude Eburne from The Bat Whispers, George E. Stone from The Robe, Dwight Frye from Dracula, Frankenstein, The Invisible Man, Bride of Frankensrtien, The Son Of Monte Cristo and The Man in the Iron Mask, Robert Frazer from Whiute Zombie and Black Dragons, Lionel Belmore NOT berrymore from the 20s oliver twist, The Sea Hawk, The Blackbird, Bardelys the Magnificent, The 20s The King of Kings, Frankenstein, The Adventures of Robin Hood, Son of Frankenstein and The Hunchback of Notredame, William V. Mong from Treasure sland in da 30s and Noah's Ark, Paul Weigel from The Grwat Dictator and The Black Cat, William J. Humphrey from The Unholy Three, Carl Stockdale from Intolerance, the 20sam Oliver Twist, Mr Smith Goes To Washington, Marie Antoinette and Bardelys the Magnificent Paul Panzer from Casablanca and a few 1800s homies I never saw in anything

I never saw this b4 but its public doamins and from the guys who did Dr X and uses stuff from the Universal horror like frankenstien and the old dark house

as its from the start of the 30s, the production code wasnt used as hard so they got away weith cr-p you wouldnt see in the later 3p0s or 40s or 50s or some of the 60s

so aftwer titlae and credits, which are in proper fullscreen and b/w, we get this spooky placer with ruibber bats that tgook effort to do in the 30s as there was no cg

a guy goes through the possible town possible buiilding and theres a wolf houl

a chick screams and at the place of the burgermeister sez theres vampires around to his crew as theres bats and 1 guy serz its b-llcr-p

also the town archives say there was vampirism in the past in 1643 and 12 skeptic thinks its all fake but the others know better

they talk of things vamps do like going through stone walls like in devilman and skeptic wants to find the hguman beinmd it

isnt this how candy man 1 started?

so they hear the wolf howel and doubter leabes andf mocks em saying "dont let the vampuirtes get you"

imagine if they played the clip from Cyber City OEDO 808 where Benten says "You wouldn't recognize a g-- ---n vampire if one jumped ip and bit you on the end of ur f---ing d--k!"

wait, vampires biting d0ng?! like that tom cruise movie where he turns brad pit?

then in some sxcience lab in a moms babement, is this chick doing nerd sh-tand i think doubter comes in and smooches her

he sez they think its a vampitre and the man/chick mock them, for their belif in the supernatural

doubter cant find a clue and a maid/slave comes in with food and coffee or something and doubter freaks her out with vampire talk but she denies belief in them

a dude comers by and akss to see the dr and chick sez hes out

then we see this dr treating a chick in bed and he looks kinda like the guy who was hannibal in the 10s tv show

some junkie lookin dude comes in and brings her flowers and when dir wants to open the windows trhe junkie gets nervous

he seems a bit mentally devolved and gets her soem garlic and dr sez she was attacked by a big a55 bat

it seems dwightr frye is doing his crazy dude thing from dracula and frankensrtien

so devolvo junkie goes out worried of the bat and the guard from the start of the moviue sez he saw it but didnt tell to abpid causing panic

devoldced dwight has a bat fetish and if this were made today, it would be his autism, and the guard who sdaw the bat worried of that b oy

so dwight devolved pets a bat and people are rtacist against him as they think hes weird and bats are bad, buty in REAL life, bats are good and eat bugs

dwights fam slave oir nruse or something closes the windows and dwight wanted em open b4 but i f;d up in saying it

dr talks with doubter and chickwho is fay wray but should be blonde, and later something wakcs the wait a lady and the town suspect its dwightouitside the coroner or w/e dwight comres by as the body is being looked at by dr and doubter

the body has 2 neck holes and itsa from an unknown animal but it might be a bat

dr suggests it might be a human who turned vam,pire from some furry thing of liking bats or w/.e and dwight gets closerand when he pulls off the blanket, he sees the body and spazzes out

guard tinkis dwight is gonna eat him and has a similar spazz out about the dwight

also he sed dwight was at the body';s place b4 but main ghuy doubter sez he was bringing her flowers

latewr its raining or somethign and chick is in the garden or w/e and talks with doubter and dr talks to the maid/slave about her worry of medical issues she might have

doubter tries to kills her but she has him kiss a fruit as his eyes were cloesd

maid comes by worreied about some cr-p i cant make out and douybter and chick go out and he quick kisses her mouth when shes not expectin it

also the dwight is lurking around and makes cat sounds to bring maid to the shrubs and she she's looking, he eats her food

she gets bit by a turtles and dwilght has accidentally cut himself as hes a spazz and whe she goes to get med kit, he puts all the fruit in his pockets

dr reads of vam,,pires and findfs they are the soul of a dead buy whos lingering, asnd goes around its grave

but i think it might be daemons/aliens/fallen angels/interdimensional abonminations

then the burgermeister comers by saying another chick bit it and was blood;ess and dwight is gone

the guiuys wanna stake dwight but main guy doubter wants to give him a fair trial

this shows how even the most awful accused should get a fair chance to proove themselfes, un,.ike the ussr and chi na and englandf and soviet canada where they just shut you down for accusations

maid comes back and trewats dwlgith but knows what the burgerer said and as shes nice to him, he gives her a bag

she fiats as i guess its full of smelly j-zz and as dwight goes to seem9ingly b0ne her, a dog come sby andf he leaves

she wakes up thinking the dog is the dwight and spoazzes out

imagine if thew dog started h-mping her?

later a firnfds of the chick who just bit it brings dr a Crucifix from the iced girl and 

dwight is on thre run a dtheres a lynch mob after him and he runs to bronson cave to get help from lord zedd and his evil rangers

the townsfolk find him and he dont wanna go with em as they're gonna cut him open and f his gut5s

so he spazzes out and jumps off a cliff and is on a ledge 50 feet down,m probably dead

so at night dr i think has some kinda spastic trance and sees this ither guy going after this chick in bed

as he spazzes out of his trance, the other guy comes out of it for a bit but once hes back in it, the othe rguy is too

other guy brings the chick to him and in this some kind of lab like in double dragoin neon, they have her hooked to a thing and her blood drained in a jar

i think dr is one of the guys but i could be wrong

so later maid comes by all comic and later dr talks with main guy about how he worries about thwe dwight

later maid goes to see some chick and finds her dead in bed and faints 

the other come runnign and main guy doubter sez they have the same 2 wounds and was dead for 45 mins and bloodless

the other guy who was looking for the dr b4 is there and said he was neasr but didnt see anytrhing

theres a Crucifix on the floor dr sez belonged to her and later, main guy goes to see chick who is looking after maid

he tells hert to keep her door locked and stay in and maid hears andf comes out aftert he leaves and gets b--chy

main guy and dr ta;lk over who might have done it and other guy is there

burgermeister comes in and says dwight bit it at 9 and in a cave 2 hours away

dr is looking f'd by this and main guy sez someone else bit it after that

aslso burgeress merideth sez they stakes the dwights hart and now regrets his actions

well if he sez sorry, then it should be ok

burger mc burger goes off to eat his gun or w/e and main guy ponders on why someone might be taking human blood

he don't get that the guy he's trying to solve the thing with nis the bad uy

kinda like in robotech ii the sentinels with edwards

dr gives him some poison pills saying it ill help him sleep

what is he? heath ledger?!

chicik comes out and sez goodnight and chick and dr go to bed, but not the same one, as that would imply b0ning

so main guy good too beed and dr mentally sends the other guy out and tells him to wait until hes in bed

main guy smokes in bed and puts it out beofre going to sleep and i think he mgiht have taken the pills

in bed the other guy comes up to him w/o sound like a 20s movie and kinda freaky and dr tells him to bring him to da lab

but chick comes in and sewss him talking to himslef andf figures out its him

later she confronts him and he sez hes making artificial life andsynthetic tissue

so he killed real livbing things to make 1 fake one?

they say he carved that spoon fromn an even bigger spoon

so then dr has her bound and gagged andn is using this sponge thing in a waTER TANK that i guess is his jinzo ningen

he takes off the bl;;anket to drain the main guys blood but its the other guy and in othwer guys clkoak is main guy witha  gun

well, thats it, movies over, hes got a gun on him

cap him and kiss the girl

but dr grabs the gun andf fights him as main guy is a dumba55 and let him get close

other guy comes to and gets the gun on dr and as main guy and chcik leave, the other guy ends dr for mind f--king him and eats the other bullet

maidf comes bnny and sez the dr needs to give her some item and goes off as main guy sez thats epsom salt

the end

That was pretty good

nice switch and bait from supernatuiral to sci fi

sorta like a reverse candyman

good acting and nice moments of silence and movement to creep

good twists

sorta like dr x but different enough

like tmnt and battletoads or biker mioce from mars or stone protectors

i enjoyed it and its a decenty film thats only liek a 1 hour and a bit

Oh and he didn't take the sleeping pills

For The Vampire Bat 2 I want the artificial life made by the dr to come to and starts mutatiung into some uunholy abomination that goes around through the town and eating people to gain more dna to mutate into a higher lkife forme, also its a 16 bit top down game like the ooze on Sega Genesis, Snes, TG1`6, Atari Jaguar and GBA where you play as the abomination and botta eat enough people to gain powers to access the next area

Saturday, April 9, 2022

Attack Of The Giant Leeches Review

 Note: i spell as good as this movie sounds

Attack Of The Giant Leeches

this is my review on attack of the giant leaches fromn the distant future year of 1959 (40 years before the Global Civil War of the 90s ended by Zors Battlefortress landing on Macross Island)

Its directed by Bernard L. Kowalski, who is El Polen Zakken, and also did Sssssss

It was produced by the amaZING Roger Corman and stars Yvette Vickers from Sunset Boulevard and Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, Tyler McVey from The Day the Earth Stood Still and It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, Gene Roth from The Greatest Story Ever Told and How the West Was Won, Dan White from Gone With The Wind, The Grapes of Wrath, Beyond Tomorrow, Out Town, Duel in the Sun, David and Bathsheba, The Red Badge of Courage, The Ten Commandments, Giasnt, The Rainmaker, Touch Of Evil, To Kill A Mockingbird, Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter(holy f==k i saw a lot of stuff he was in), George Cisar from The Giant Claw and Billy the Kid Versus Dracula, and some 1900s guys I never heard of

I never saw this but heard orff it and it feels like something only the 50s would do seriously as now it would be a parody

Alo its public domain and got a remake i never saw

so it starts with this redneck shooting something with his boomstick and drinking ,moonshine

then tital and credits tro good 50s music on paper

then theres this redneclk bar and the boomstick guy sez he put 5 shells in it and it was a tentacle monster thingf

the other inbreeders dont beliebe him and he sez he wouldnt touch it as its creepy

so this fata55 talks to his blonde woman and sez he need to look tough so they dont think she bosses him around but she dont care and shows off her high heel legs and gets undressed in sexy for the 50s undioes

she dont wantg him to look at ot feel her despite her marrying him and goes out to probably b0ne some devolved guys

so later this guy and his woman go out trying to stop guys from using traps to catch animals, and had to ice the animnals in traps as he thinks it s"cruel"

even though what animals dfo to other animals is borderline dante';s inferno!

wasps lay eggs oin animals and the eggs hatch and eat the animal alive from inside, savcing the vital organs last so it stays freshg

then theres a scream and the blonde sees a devolved guy biting it

anti hunter brings it to the sherrif and says it wasnt a gater who did it but a squid or octpoopus thing that did itm but the sherrif thinks he's full of sh-t

sounds like the invid! they've come fopr the protoculture! Call the Sentinels!

antio hunter sees a nerd who tells about ocitpi and his woman thinks it was a devolved gater

nerd sez it might be the thing the boomstick guy nailed so they are gonna look for it in the backwaters of the swamp

so after boating for a while, the anti hunter, who imma call main guy, and his woman find a bubbling for a bit andc she gibes him coffee

main guy sez there was something in here in the 1830s and it took em days to round up

btw this is b/w bnut widfescreen so we get the gayu a55 black bars

something is watching em from the water as they go on

later blonde comes back and bickers with fata55 and gets b--chy at him when he sez he loves her

what a b--ch, i hope tyhe tentacle sb0ne her dead

oh fata55 is moving out and leaving her behind as i giuess shes a 5kank

some redneck comes by and goes to blonde and i think they b0ne ofdfscreen

so main guy spend all day with chick and couldnt find any evidence of aliens like her dad the nerd said

so blonde is making out with redneck outside and as its a 50s movie they aren';t nude,m but she did playboy for this movie

they talk about their lives and otrher cr-p i dont care about for a while but fata55 coimes in with a shotrgun and is gonna bl;asxt them back to h e double soviet california!@

imagine if he stuffed the shotgun up his a55 and said "htime for a suppository!"??

so fata55 fires at bf's feet and makes em go on as he follows and fires more shots

did this just become the mov ie the moist dangerous game from the 30s?

he eventually catcjhes up to em and he blames her like with Amad and Eve, wehich aS THAT WEAS A tRUE sTORY, THEY CAN PUT THIS ON THE HISTPORY CHANNEL

theyt whine and sink into the water as they wealk back and he givbes em a chance when he sez he learned his lesson and wiull stay away from the fata55es woman

then these rubber monsters eat em

so he gets the cops offecreen and then they are hewre and think he iced them and hid the bodiues but they dont buy it and take him away

thinkingf the gaters are eationg the bodioers, the cops go out using poles

meanwhile, main guy wants to use asplosives to protect animals but his chick thinks its going tooi far to ice people to save animals

also they are going after whopevcer is wacking the people in the swapm, which is up to 3 bodiues now

main guy thinks its the fata55 who did it and later hung himself offscreen

he's gonna use charges to blast up something from the bottom of nthe marsh or bog or w/e this cesspoole is

chick thinks its cr=-ppy and later 2 guys are out in a boat with a shot gun and a paddle

wait its 2 paddle and wait its a pole and a paddle

why not burn down the swamp? i mean it would evaporate the water and we'd have the gorund free to see

1 guy in da boat notices they looksfor howrs and didnt evemn find 1 gater when there should be many

hes freraked out over it and they go to land but the music kicks in and these huge leather c0nd0m things flip the vboat andc get em

they drag em back to their lair and the other people caught by em are there and alive formsome reasonbuyt then are sucked on by em like they are making out with their necks

da f--k kinda movie is this?!

sci fi p0rn0?!

is this GUY Double Target??

so main guy and chick talk with sheffurf i think about the guys who went missing and then 2 more guys go out on thre water in a boat weith a pole

also is a posse with torches going around the bayou aty nightr

so the dogsd find the scent and it leatds em on

2 guys are in the water up to their waists and say its clear

after much searching they give up and figure the guys are iced, but notice that there's no gators and they aint scared away as nothing scarews gatrs

what about skunk ape?!

so back in base the main guy wonders if theres a mineral contamination in the water and he weants to go in an "aqua lung" like in the war

nerd wantsa to use dynomiter as theres no animals in the area and he dont wanna as it might f up nature

also he'd need authorizxation and a good reason

its gonna be a few days b4 he gets diving equipment and nerd and his daughter go out, weait its just nerd, and he goos oof in a booat

in the lair the people suffer from some fog comming from the water and nerd comes back after j-rlklkin off in the pond or w/e

wait he planted a chartge and nuked the sweamp and a few b odies come up after they died from the blast and were knocked out of the cave

so after an offscreen autopsy they find the people were drasined ofg blood and had suction woulds on them like a giant leach

Giant Leeches? Could be worse! Killer Shrews or Could be Killer Toimatoes! Or Sexy Pumpkins!

but the bodiesd were only dead for a few hours and whatever iced em is stuill out there

turns oput theres caves underwater from Noahs flood or w/e and had air pockets in it like what main guy knew of from his army days

also whatever iced em might have hid in there from the blasts and some chick might still be there alive

honestly, when the nerd went out, i thought he;'d bite it, like the wheelcainr guy in the swarm testing his antidote on himself

nerds trying to terst something usually bite it

So later the giuys go out in scuba/sm gear and this chick is gonna get sucked by the big black leather c0md0m monster

the sm scuba guys go undert with a weapon that can take out a tiger shark and it devolved into the phantom of 10 000 leagues with a guy underwater doing diddley d0ng

in there this c0ndom thing co9mes for him and he goes up, aparently having nailed it with his weapon somehow

he goes under to finish it off and 1 guy siuspects side effects of radio actrivbbe stuff from space missions of cape cazrbunkle devolved the leach to be big

so blonde falls in the eater and comes to the surfavce and 1 diver brings her to the boat in the boat not to the boat

so main guy fighhts the c0ndom and uses a big a55 knife like hes violence jack and the other diver assists

so they get back inb da boat and i just realizes that the spacer guys dont use nucular things so thatr thewory dont add up

the scuba sm gear gusy return and then offescreen, plant charges and main guy pushed the thing and all 3 buiildings i mean the swamp floor blows

these c0ndom things come up dead and thats it

the end

that was pretty good

nice quice 50s movie

nothing awful of it

good style

it hgolds attentiona nd has nice effects

nowadays the m,onstyers would be cr-ppy a55 cg

its a decent film and has a nice feel

for attack of ther guiant leeches 2 i want a leach to have survived and have a psychic connection to the blonde who escaped. also she is devolveing into a leach =monster and has to get to a church to be blessed and get the evil out. also its an 8 bit platform game on nes, game boy, sega master system, game gear, tg16 atari lynx and jaguar where you play as the chick and gotta get to the church through the swamp beforfe time is over and you're fully devolved m, but the more you devolve, the more abilities you get,

Thursday, April 7, 2022

Ghoulies IV Review

 note; i spell like a sequel

Ghoulies 4

This is my review on Ghoulies 4 from the distant future year of 1994 (the year sonic 3 and knuckles came out)

I never saw the 1st 3 but this ones on Comet so here we are

Its directal by Jim Wynorski who did Chopping Masll, The Thing Below, Camel Spiders, and a bunch of p0rn0

IOt has Tony Coxz from Beetlejuice, and no one else I know of

it styarts with this leather chick breakingh into a storehouse and beating opput a guard, then uses a shuriken in another guard, then ghunmning a few more

shre reminds me of Rachel from Ninja Gaigen

sdhe tyakes thsi coin, then spray paints a pentagream on the floor and puts the guards bodcies on it and sez a spelland it summons this guy in a cloak

shre wal;ks into the pentagram to give it to him but it makes him vaniosh and she runs

then these devolved midgets are summoned and run and we get title and credits to good msuic

then we get this guy goes in a car and his partnbet aims a gun at him until guy tells him whats going on and they are on a stake out since last night

gun partnetr gets coffee froma conveineice store and sees a guy and goes out and gives the signal butn his partnet takes a while to get it

gun partnet gets in a giunfight ad guy comes in only to falla gun guy gerts his gun and shoots on

he sneaks around and empties his guns int the bnad guy and later this high rank blonde comes by and was his gf

shge wants him to have a time off as his partnet is barfing andf she notices his neck thing jewel


huh, the bloinde in here was the mom in hgoney i shrunk the kids the swerrees: Barbara Alyn Wood

so then these 2 doofy guys have gone under ground in this stone place and blonde wacks 1 and uses him to summon the clkoak guy who looks like daemon from digimon

she offers her life to him but he sez they have another jewel so he can give her another chance

the doofy guy comes by and she wacks him and he seems like yogi bear

Later main guy andblonde cop are going in car and she whines that he detatched the radio and they talk abouit their breakup cuz he wanted to handcuff her for b0ning

they go top the warehouse from the start of the film anbd theres graffittio on it

oh its a museum and while he talks with the museum chick, she notices his necjlace jewel

the ghoulies are there hiding and they recognize some guy, then theres a flersgbnackto theghoulies being summoned to work for this guy

they sneak around in items liker that levekl in Toy Story on Sega Genesis

Main guy sez he suspectsd somewthing as the guards are4 gone and she sezthe museum gurl is lying and they go out

the cops take photoes with like an 1800s camera of graffiti and she sezif he dont tell her wghats up, hes off the case

he sez the graffiti is an ancient language from a dead book and  hes sent home but the ghoulies are in his car

only i mean once my dad said he ssaw an add for a movie weithj a monster comming outta the toilet, but he called it the GOONIES as he's bad with names


so maiun guy calls the hospital to cheeck on a patiant but is told to call back

turns out the nuts have taken over the asslyum and tied up the guards but when a call comes in for napoleon, 1 guy identifies as napoleon and its for him

main guy goes in a convience store and the owner fires at him until he tell em hes a cop

he goes out and the cops stoop him and it tierns out i wasnt looking abnd he shot at his own car

wait, a sghotgun in his car went off, i think cuz of thge goonies

the glhoulies are going around on the roof and main guy froves off, ohg anbd his candya55 partner sees blonde in leather fort a sec but when he looks back, its an add on the wall


meabnwhile main guy hashis necklace looking in the mirror and the lkights do dark and he looks psychoi foir a bit

his gf wonders whats up with him and wants him to stop drinking and sez hes not as fun as he was b4

she wants to b0ne buty he falls asleepoand she takes his necklaceand tries it on

he sez kate and she gets p-ssed he sed anothe rgiurls name and goes out]

then we see a guy with a staff and puppet ghoulies going around and getting zapped in the staf by lightning

some chick in a car usesd a car phone while driving and sez shes looking for something and thern another call sez groaning sounds

a voice tells her stuff to tempt her to his side and laughs evil and her car speeds up and bumps into other cars

eventually ity plows into a thing and blows in a fireball

meanwhile the ghoulies are going around and see a h0-0ker being nugged at knifgepoint and they naIL THE MUGGER WITH A METAL THIUNG


btw this is in soviert calfornisa of new sodom l a 

later main guy wakes up and his gf is wthere and hes in bed now instead of the chairm he was in

he gets a call about the warehouse ropbbery and need to meet him in 20 mins but puts it off tio b0ne his girl

she dont wanna b0ne unless he pays her and i think shes a h00ker

phone calls him and sez to meet him and its his candy a66 partnet but he's doing it for the blonde leather chick

he goes out and the gouliessneak in a building and see they need keys to get in this place and beat out a janitopr to get em

main guy gets to the warehouse and sees candya55 handcuffedx i mean tied to this wall and sees blonde leather chick who was in the nuthouse but got out by icing a guy

shes b--chy cuz he didnt see her and she previously tried to ice him, but sdhe was his ex hg i mean gf

she tells candya55 to ice main guy and smooches him main guy on the mouth

main guy fights candya55 whos now bada55 and they fight but candya55 gets a gun

main guy is on the pentagram and light comes on him and he fires ki blasts out his hands like dbz and erases cadnya66

vtw thgis is in propewr full screen and has good color

so the ghoulies are in this aparrtnmt and looking at polaypen but this lether chick comes in and i think thios is the main guys polace

the ghoulies hide uinder tghe bewd and look like goblins fropm troll 02

they find cop stuff anmd like thre taste of mace andf when 1 jumps, lwather chic findas em and rhey mace her and ruin

she goewws after em, in leather heels, and in the hospital, bl;onde cop sees main guy about his injuiries

he's kinda f'd and need a catherter and he dontwant it

later hes driving wqitrh blonde cop and tyalks about leather bl;onde and his candya55 partner going bada55 and the museum chick's car foubnd burned but no one was in it

at night, lewarther chick finds a hobo and sacrifices him inthe pentagram to summon Faust from urotsukidoji

its the daemon cloak guyand hjes fading and needs the jerwel but she gewtsa a fonzie guy to bow for him at force and he deviolves into a daemon and sez where the jewel is

if she fails him again she's f'd

so blonde cop brings main guy back to his place and its busted up and then we see some h00kers anfd 1 ghets into a car

ghoulies come by and think its a contest ort a place to get a ride and go in a pick up truck or w.e as a h000ke tal;ks wityh its owner and no one notices em

later blonde cop is in main guysd place and hus gf comes byand thery bicker but get over it

gf is gonna gibe him his nacjklace she forgot she had and gf goes on aBOUT how shes better at b0ning him

gf goes to use a payphonr and is cauight by leather blondewho syummons the faust in the alley

faust sez to sacrifice her at the alter and they go off

blonde cop seez her taking gf and main guy wakes up and goes out

blonde aims hert gun at him through the window to msake him bring her and he revealsd thery are going to the nut house to find the leather blonde

a truck goes by and a used c0md0m falls on cop blonde

main guy sez he and leather blonde were into black arts and b0ning, which are connected, but he stopperd and she didnt

when she tried to ice him, he locked her up and now she wants to make faust rteal as he's connected to faust and they look alike

also the jewel is what something soimething

mAIN GUY STOPDS to let her casll for back up but he drives off

shje finbbds the truck the ghouloies are in ands commondeers it

You ever walking around the schoolyard in Grade School and find these weird things you don't know wjhhat they are, then years later you think back to it, and realize, they were C0ND0MS!!!

Who's B0NING in the School Yard?! And they leave USED C0NDOMS there! What if some kids EAT THEM?! They'll get AIDS!!!

so at the nut house the inmates shock their brians with the clear paddles and leather chick has an altrer for tribute and gf is on it

is this gonna be luike tim burtons batman where the maion guy has to fight through the goonsa to get to save the gf?

so he walks slow through the emnpty place and findsa a BLIONDE IN A red dress with a big guy who fights him

his punches do jack sh-t and he kicks him in thr man parts and uses a LAMP TO BEAT HIM OUT


she weants him to go to h-ll so faust can be free and him to make the ritual and return to the darkness

why not just say a prayer?

blonde cop gets to the nut hosue and the crazues come for her so she beats em out, which is a HATE CRIME agiabnst a PROTECTYED CLASS as they are DIFFERENT;LY ABLED

so da ghghoulies come by and they are like the flies in that racing stripes movied with the zebra in a hourse a55 race

so faust sweaps places with main guy and faust gets aknife to sacrifice the gf

blonde cop comes by and has a gun and thinks fause is main guy

faust ghoes up to hger to sacrifice her but the ghoulies get the jewel and give it to blonde cop who fires ki blasts out of it in leather blondes womb

leather blond turns into a worm hgole and ghoulioes return to h e double england in it

she blasts fdaust mand the worm hole opens and candya55 partnet and main guy escape the hole

main guy kisses blonde cop and candya55 cop frees gf who is into him

main guy and blonded cop comes out and is implied shes gonna b0ne him while using handcuffs

then the gohoules are still here and say "come for the sequel gohulies 4 part 2

they jump in the worm hole after finding the jeweel and the credits wroll to good music

the end

that was fun

why am i watching this?

cuz its entertyaining!~

its got nice 90s effects and style and heart and coolness

its cheesy but has value

its not awful and for a direct to video sequel, its likabvle

its a jolly kittle 90s movie that has some entertainment

yeah its silly, but its not trying to be gone with the winfd or birth of a nation

glad i saw this, this one was good.

For Ghoulies 4 part 2 I mean Ghoulies 5 I want the faust guy to hasve fusaed with the leather blondde and become a hermaphrodite darmon and thgeir combined powers beark em out. They turn california into a h-ll hole of lust and crime and daemon worship (well, worse than usual) and its up to the cops from the 11st miovie to fight through the daemons in sovioet l a and get to the h-ll gate the hermaphrodite got out of to reverse the flow and suck trhe evil back into the hole in californiuas a55! also the ghoulies are helping them and giving them holy items they collected to boost power and fight the evil. Its also a 64 bit DS and PSP game where you play as the guy and somewtimes the girl and go through a metroidvania/Mega Man ZERO/ZX world of califortnia as some f'd up contra/la blue girl daem,on flesh world and lervel up ands fight bosses based on historicval figures who went to h-ll.