Tuesday, April 19, 2022

Tomahawk Review

 Note: I spell GETTER CHANGE!


This is my review on Tomahawn from ther distant furture year of 1951 (81 yyears before both The 3rd Robotech War and Transformers Battlestars The Return of Convoy)

Its dirtected by George Sherman wwho did Big Jake

It stars Van Heflin from Santa Fe Trail, the 40s Madame Bovary and The Greatest Stiory Ever Told, Yvonne De Carlo from The Munsters, The Ten Commsandmentrs and How The West Was Won, Alex Nicol from The Twilight Zone and The Screaming Skull, Preston Foster from Doctor X and I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang, Jack Oakie from The Great Dictator and the 30ss Alice in Wonderland, Tom Tully from The Moon Is Blue, Rock Hudson from Embryo, Susan Cabot from The Wasp Woman, Arthur Space from The Swarm, Russ Conway from The War of the Worlds and The Screaming Skull, Ann Doran from  Rebel Without a Cause, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, His Girl Friday, Yankee Doodle Dandy, The Snake Pit, and some 1900s dudes i never knew of

i never saw this b4 but heard its good

so after logo, we get an axe hit and treee and title then credits

then we gt a narratorsaying in wyoming in 1966, or 76, i didnt hear, theres 2 groups of men ready bto battle over issues and attacks


main guy is here to mediate and sez the suu are being forced back by treaties and theres a trail being made to gold over the suu's hunting ground

main guy sez theres another trail they can take and America should make a compromise

but America sez he's got a bias towards the indians as hes friends with em

1 suu cheif speaks english and now knows they wer egonna jyuu him

he tells his people things in his language and leaves and main guy sez he sed the american repsmare liars

well, they DO work for the gov

oh and there was a fort coming up being made or something

an army guy says they will keep the fort on the suu land and wants main guy to be hisn scout but he don;';t consent

theres a lutenent there that main guy isnt keen on and after seeing him, he agrees to jion the scouting thing

then we see main guy trading card i mean items with the suu and 1 drunk guy slugs main gjy but he lets it slide

to quote hank hill; if i hit him bnack, its a fight, if i don't, itds assault

main guy tells a leader not to start a war as America is too strong and leader sez he wants to appropriate White protoculture but the Americans want him to go too fast

in another place, a wagon guy wants to go by but the army dont give protection for anything less than 5 wagons

he needs to get to wherever hes going fast as its costing him 500$ a day

the lutenent goes with em and munsters chick comes along on a route to get to thw place

at night even though its clearly day and just edited coloring, munsters sez her uncle is going to vierginia tro get da gold

luutenent sees some indian teens and caps 1 but another gets awaym which i;m surprised they were allowed to do in the 50s

luutenent sez to his sergent to say he fired at a fgox and missed, then they hide the body

imagine if they disposed of the evidence by eating it?

i mean he is the bad guy, go fulkl rikioh

btw this is in proper fullscreen and is well colored

the next day munsters talks with lutenent and he sez he was wounded in 63 and now is a good indian fighter after going on missdions to take em out

kinda like how europe celebrats its "elimnination" of downs syndrome by taking out the unborn suspected of it

or asia celebrationg how they have sons by executing their daughters

lurtenent goes on and sees a skull with blask pictuires on it and goesa on

then main guy comers by and sees it and sez theres trouble and goos oon

then we see suu guys on horses hiding by the edges of this sand deep thing and 1 pulls a j fk on the uncle and gets him in the heart

lutenent goos after them with a guy but loses track of em

then they come by main guy and his womana dn homie and wanna know where the suu went

main guy sez they are skilled with the horses a55 and can go places neither lutnenet nor main guy can go and lutenent goes off

so lutenent pulls the arrow out of uncle and hes ok and just needs some rest, wait, he dont and they gotta drive easy to avoid the wagon bouncing causing uncle to bite it

lutenendt dont ike main guys wife as shes red and they go to the fort

in there, munsters looks nervous at all the  men there like they are gonna b0ne and ice her

like its violence jack or berserk or something

lutenent tells his suyperior of the uncle getting shanked but donbt say how he started it as it makes his side look bad and the side he hates look good

like the media and news lying about those it dont like

the army guys are nice to main guy but not to his woman and he dont like it

this is actual racism, not just "he disagreed, i'm triggered"

main guy sez the suu wouldnt attack for no reason and sergent sez there was no incident that happened b4

but later main guy confronts him and sergent tells that these 2 indian kids were stealing hiorses so lutenent capped one

i thought those were the indian kids horses

so they were theives?

in roman times they crucifgied theives

in samurai times they used them for weapons testing by seeing how many a Katana can cut through in 1 swing

in mus lim countyries, they slive off theives arms

in soviet los angelas this korean was sick of shoplifters and opened fire on 2 of em

later munsters sez the dr sez the arrowhead is too close to uncles heart and wont operate so she gets main guy to do so

so main guy does the surgery and its all offscreen with showiung their faces and above the nips

so tyhe surgery was a success and munsters wants to have main guy be a dr or her bf or something

luutenent talks with munsters over how main guy is biased IN FAVOR OF THE INDIANS AND thhat he's married to the indian woman

then we see the suu going on a buffalo run and then we see main guy seeing some suu going around in the woods

so then the soldiers see a soldfier coming but it was a suu in soldiers outfit and i wasn't looking as i was dealing wih cr-p on discord

so a letter comes in and now the army wants to fight the suu

so munsters said main guy wanted her to look after his woman but she didn't consrent and she talks with uncle about it

2 women try to help main guys wife with english and they talk about it

munsters goes  out on horse and wife sees

main guys homie thinks theres gonna be something awful toimorrow and superior officer colonel wonders what is the deal with main guy and lutenent

col wonders what side main guy will choose and main guy dont give an answer

the next day the bugeler gets j fk'd by an arowr and main guy goies out i think

main guy attacks this indian on a horse and its the guy who punched him

he tackles him off the horse and fights and i think ends him but then sees munsters and gets her to a safe place as the horse goes off

she sez something about his wife and he reveals she isn't his wife and tells a long sotry

years back was a shai an who made a treatry and later some guys came by and went to kae the west safe fpor White Men whoiced 200 people in the shai an's village

chopped em up and probably b0ned em dead

the chick we thought was the wife was the sister of main guys wife and had a kid and both were iced

now he's goping like The Crow and takling out those who did it

wtf we're in the last act, the movies almost over!

that went by quick

so the indians come back to the area and have the body of the drunk guy who attacked main guy and its the son of the cheif

he puts a gee haad on them and oh wait, its made to look like night but really its clear day and tinted

munsters bnickers weith main guy about some cr-p and i think they are back in the fortress maximus and main guy tells how the guy he icxed was the cheifs fave son

were the other sons j-rk offs?

was this like Joseph and the Technicolor Drewam Coat where the other sons were gonna execute the good one?

so lutenent talks with munsters about how hes gonna get the indians and comes onto her but she dont consent

he unzips and a long crwam coolored tentacle comes out and wiggles aroung before going in her mouth!

jk really she goes to talk with uncle and sez he dont get it as hes a man so he sez talk to a wo man

a team of men goes out for firewood and munsters meets not wife and gives her a necklase thing and they smile

a lady comers in and reveals not wife is learning english most good ing

ireegardless of a education, son of a b--ches am a whole nother leverls of bads the grammers

colonel i mean sergent accuses main guy of his homie beging a worker of the indians and having told tbhem as rthe war drums started after he left

a group goes out and munsters comes out and tells main guy that lunentent weas in the group that attacked thew village asn he mentioned being in it b4 in the film

so lutenent meets with troops who say they chased 20 off and took out 2 of em

luteneing sees guys by a hill and figures he cant lose and will get a propmotion and goes after em

they chase em and get to em, then draw sabers and charge but the indians flee and a huge swarm of indians come out and arrow them

the surviving kid who he went at b4 was there and fires an arrow at him

so main guuy comes out with guys and findsalitenent and his duedes iced, then main guys homie comes by saying that a lot of weapons came by and now are gonna get the ammo\

lutenent is not dead dead and wait its not him, its a peeon who sez lutenent did it for a promotion

survivor sez someone went out by the hills and wait, its lutenent who booked it and left his men to be iced

the survuiiving horse theif kid chases him and fights him in the water

wait, the kid is watching and main guy fights luitenendt

yuu keela mai fah muh lee, nowa yuu dai!

so louteneint sez he wwas only following orders to ice the vollage and his fam and the kid j fk's him in the back as main guy lifts him up

my mom noticed the protection pad on his back where the arrow hit, which she has cr-ppy eyes and this would be more visiable ion the big screen

main guy returnns and sez the kid j fk'd the guy and the tropps get the emmo wagons back to the fort

a swarm of indians comers over the hill and the army gets ready to battle

they say their chants or cast spells or w/e and main guy sez the enemy will attack in waves to keep em from reloading, but these new hguns can reload 3x as fast like char's red zaku

the cheif comes by and gives the signal that ssays they fight til 1 or both sides is dead

the enemy atatacks and is taken outso they send another wave comes out, only to be mowed down again

what is this? warsong on sega genesis? ala langrisser 01?

this goes on until the cheif comes down withn his trops but stops and collects his mens bodies

col spares him and dont fire and later goes to washington to get a new treaty

main guy sez it was the guns that beat them and the gov closes the fort

yeah but those were made by them

so narrator sez about how the indians get kind of a win in 1868 and will go on for 30 years

the end

oh and this was based on actual events

But that was pretty good

Nice effects and acting

Good music and color

It had good flow and didn't draG

iT had good twists that kinda holds up

It shows how the gov make some people treated bad, but didn't make America look like "the bad guy" like modern things do

For Tomohawk 2 I want a few of the Suu to be disgruntled by thew gov and make a wicked pack witrh their peoples past al;lies: The Sasquatch. They raise an attack on nearby America Towns to drive out the Americans to get back the lands they feel were taken, But Thomas Edison has made a new electric armor that allows Humans to fight on par with Sasquatch. So he sends a team of Humans in Power Armor and thery face the Sasquatch in their kindsa ancient combat ritual, where the winner gets the land. Also its a 16 bit Tournament Fighter on Sega Genesis, Snes, TG16, Atari Jaguar and GBA where you platy as a Human or Sasquatch and battle the other team until you face the sasquatch emperor

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