Monday, November 27, 2017

Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here Review

note; I know little of tis film. but my mom likes it so imma do it 4 her. homie
Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here
this is my review on Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here
its directed by a commie who was blacklisted for communism
Abraham polonsky
it starts with text read about how in 1909 some crazy cr-p happened in California
its really widescreen
its got Robert redford and Robert blake
so this guy goes through Africa or California wastelands or w/e
ohh its base on a book
the guy walking talks with a horse and buggy guy
the guy is willie boy
I call him wb
he gets a lift to a reservation
I think wb was b0ning a chick and left when her husband came home
what is this? jerry springer?
needs more crossdressers
a moustache mAN comnes by and sez he'd cap wb
I think its the husband
1 blonde guy sells people whisky he stole
I think the other people in the reserve are having a cockfight
but it cant show it
so wb has some whiskey
the reserve head chick has a cop I think deal with the whiskey sellers
the cop (sheriff) beats the blonde guy up and runs him outta town
so theres a parade with prez taft coming
1 guy goes on a tirade about big gov taking his stuff cuz hes white and male
just wait til the 2000s\
1 guy playing pool makes a comment to wb about the reservation and wb assaults him with a pool stick
that was unneeded escalation
he said words I hate so I beat him up
I'm not saying its ok to insult people
but to attack em for it?
not right
wb runs and the pool guy wants justice for the assault
wb talks to a guy named Charlie (hopefully not sheen)
later sheriff (I think its redford) trys b0ning the head of the reserve
later wb makes out with this tanned chick
after b0ning her, sheriff redford wants the head of the reserve to give it up
the head whines about redfords dad killing Indians
also the head is kinda brittish
she mouths off to him about him being violent and it gets em to b0ne again
after b0ning the tanned chick, they talk about how her dad don't want wb
a guy interrupts their b0ning and wb caps him\
Its her dad
they run away
the next day redford and his homies are sent after wb
the head (who reminds me of a more brittish dr Quinn) sez wb b0ning her and icing her dad and running away is marriage by capture
part of their heritage
what is this? violence jack??
needs more hermaphrodites
later wb ties up the tanned chick and she sez shes gonna yell for help
so he frees her and they run together
the group after em calculate where they are headed
wb sees smoke and finds those after hoim haven't caught on to where they headed
the group decides to wait til after dark
1 guy recalls a mission he did with redfords dad
at night wb talks with tanned chick
he has her remove her shoes an walk around the group with him
1 group member hears something and opens fire
its a dingo or something
so redford finishes it
Charlie I think sticks up for wb saying he didn't have a gun and they could've capped the girl
the next day wb and his girl run off
redford sez they aint gonna catch wb unless he wants 2 b caught
wb and his chick get water in a pond or w/e and soak in it
she sez she wanted to get married in a church in a white dress
shouldn't've been b0ning that guy then
wb sez once e got drunk and was in jail for 30 days
then talks about how awful it was for him
mabe you shouldn't've got drunk then
wb wants to ice those after him
she tries to talk him outta it
also they keep talking about whiteness
so what if they're white?
so what if you aint?
the group finds their trail and Charlie wants em to give wb a chance to surrender
wb thinks they paid charlei  was paid to get him
so he goes j fk and picks a buncha em off
1 guy is sent for reinforcements
at town they wanna keep da prez taft safe
also the head talks with redford and he wants to b0ne her
while talking with some people she finds redford in her room
she goes back but gets p-ssed at a guy questioning the wb incident
then she goes back to redford and they slowly undress
but she has some kinda freak out and he leaves
later she tells redford her b--ching about wb didn't help
and people are talking of wb having hundreds of indian homies trying to take over
if ur Canadian or lived in soviet canada you may recall louie riel, a malcontent who tried to set up a zone just for his race in the 1800s
he iced some people and was executed for his crimes
but somehow became a Canadian hero
what next? manson jr high?
meanwhile people wanna erase the history of people who built this country
its like saying lincon was evil but john wilkes booth was a hero
later wb finds a tent and it has a hidden gun and cash in it
w goes off to some place for horses at night
back then they could execute u for jackin horses
now if someone steals from you and you stop em, YOU get charged
redford hears a dog and goes out and wb nearly caps him
later wb returns to the tent place and his girl is gone
he finds her hiding and she sed if she stays hes gonna bite it
he gets p-ssed and tells her to go bring the group to him
but she returns and they b0an
the next day the group finds wbs trax and goes after him
redford goes in but has a nipper covering him
we hear gunshots
then it has the tanned chick iced with 1 bulet hole in her
she might've iced herself
redford goes after wb
the head checks the tanned chicks bod
redford sets up a fake human (jinzo ningen) on a string and moves it with a rope to draw wb's fire
then gets to the pond and drinks
he notices a handprint and puts his in it
I assume he got powers from it
he gets behind wb and they draw
but redford caps wb
then carries him out of the rock place they fought
he gives him to some guys and redford cleans his hands with dust
he sez he gave wb a chance but wb had no bullets
wb is burned and a guy rom da group wanted some evidence
redford sez they all outta souvenirs and the camera pans to the burning smoke
the end
that was pretty good
even though the director was a commie he still made a good film
this was well made and had good work done in it
good scenes, camera work and acting
I like films based on books and true storys and this one as well done
for Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here 2 i'd like for it to be the 30s and people are bummed by the cr-ppy economy. some guys use willy boy as a symbol of rebellion and California leaves the union after enough people vote on it. it then goes communist and they start executing people based on fear of them being capitalists. then its 20 ears later and california is a slum of poors and disease and raiders attack Arizona until arizona cant take it and fight back, starting an international incident and theres a war between the soviet republic of california and Arizona (who has the backing of texas). the californias don't have guns or real skills and the arizonas are bada55 cowboy dudes. its also an 8 bit Gameboy/NES/Game Gear/Master System game where you play as either a bada55 Arizona fighting hordes of rotting California commies or a candya5 California commie sending waves of his own men to fight the superior arizonas

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Hush… Hush, Sweet Charlotte Review

note; i'm not demented, my spelling is
hush... hush, sweet charlotte
this is my review on hush hush sweet charlotte
its directed by the guy who did whatever happened to baby jane and the dirty dozen
are those p0rn0es??
its got bette davis and Olivia de haviland
joan "crawl up my a55" Crawford didn't wanna do this
it was meant as a copy of baby jane to cash in on the popularity
like bubsy for sonic
so it starts with a confederate guy yelling at a guy he hates about how he wants to ice him
hes a big bada55 confederate guy and his plantation is rotting
but he tried to fight to keep it good
and his daughter is charlotte and the guy he hates wants her
he wanted to elope with charlotte
imma call her char as its easier to spell
also Gundam
oh and the hated guy is married and the wife told the confederate dad
so he was the bad guy
so dad tells him his plan for the party tonight
at da party he tells her something offscreen and shes busted up over it and sezz she could waste him
later a meat cleaver goes missing
then the hated guy gets his hand chopped off by it
then gets chopped up
we don't see who it is chopping him
later char comes out with blood on her dress
then its the distant future year of 1964
some candy a55 kids go to the home and joke about char
they have a caveman looking kid who wants to join their gang(da spiders) jack something char touched from her home
she can ice him and its legal as hes an intruder
btw this is widescreen
he wakes up char and runs out
the other kids book it too
then we get credits to a song like freddy Krueger
shes upset by those little c-cksuckers
hope she chops em up
later its daytime and a bulldozer starts bustin her place
so she gets her rifle and opens fire to scare him off
the head worker gets p-ssed at her but she sez if she wanted to ice him, she would've
he sez the state made the land for a bridge or something
typical big government, taking our rights
she don't consent and when he brings up getting away with murder, she dumps a stone thing by him
chars maid or w/e has her get dressed and makes breakfast
at the police thing a guy sez about how they didn't find the victims head and hand
its a brit reporter looking into the hated guys thing
then a guy comes in and sez how char is goin mental
at home sherrif comes in and char sez she knows him
sherrif sez she has 10 days left there
char sez her cousin Miriam is coming
he goes but maid sez Miriam aint commin
and shes chars only relative
this is seeming a lot like the secret of nimh
char talks to dr drew (not that dr drew) and he tries to get her to think no ones out to get her
then Miriam (olive de haviland) comes
dr drew sez char has enough cash to live anywhere well
she otta go to da 3rd world and civilize it
char and mir reunite and are happy
later they have dinner and dr drew keeps trying to make her think shes not being persecuted
Miriam sez char gotta leave
char goes on a tirade about how chars confederate dad helped Miriam as a kid
a Miriam was the one who outed char and hated guy to hated guys wife
also Miriam told the confederate dad about it
and char and the hated guy were b0ning!!
char gets emotional and leaves to dramatic tunes while calling for the hated guy
drew and Miriam say car is nuts but not enuff to be locked up
and drew sez she never accepted the hated guy bit it
also dr drew gives Miriam a gun
the real dr drew wouldn't do it
that's why this ones better
hes bada55
more than TV's dr drew anyway
after he leaves a dog barks and shadows move
who's dog is it?
later a door opens and Miriams dress is on a door and sliced
so the brit reporter and the sheriff look through past papers on the case
confederate dad used his connections to save his daughter
most good fathers would
also a yankee reporter is trying to sell more cr-p with the bridge story and playing it like a horror story
later miruim talks to the wife of the hated guy and wife don't like mirium
later char is goin mental over maid bringing in the cr-p mag with the image of the headless in handed bf from the mail
char reveals she thinks its the wife as shes been getting hate mail for years
and the 1st one was mailed from that town
and she saved em all for some reason
so wife talks to reporter and she gives him a note to open after she bites it
later Miriam wakes up and hears the song hush hush sweet charlotte
sounds like biz Markie
it was char doing it on da piano
when she wakes up at time she feels like her hated bf is still here
maybe its his lingering Ki?
then the door opens and theres a cleaver and a hand on da floor
char freaks out and runs upstairs
but its not there when mir turns on da lights
and the dog is barking
someone hammer dat dog!
don't waste a bullet
use a hammer!!
later when char checks it out these an axe hole in da floor
a few big black chicks working for her say she acts crazy but isn't really
later char puts flowers by a grave and brit reporter confronts her
don't trust him! he's brttish!
he sez they met b4 in England
he tells her what she wore then
but what if she didn't recall?
or misremembered?
he read everything aboot her and is interested in her
she sez she don't know of shes nuts or not
nuts or not?
sounds like a gameshow
she snaps and takes back a music box from a black woman and goes b--chy for a bit
the music box is what the caveman boy tries to steal b4
and it plays the song hush hush sweet charlotte
later its a thunderstorm
man we're 45 mins in
didn't feel like it
75 mins in
it started at 5 45
in the storm light and with the wind, char goes around her home all spacy
mirium comes down, closes the door letting da wind in and finds char with broken mirrors and an arm cut
she sez it was her confederate dad
later miruim and dr drew are having char taken away to rest elsewhere
maid sez if char goes with mir, she wont be seen again
like with marilin Monroe after the kenadies
and that mir is jealous of maid cuz char liked maid better
and mir wants maid gone saying shes not needed
this is like in the bad seed how that guy knew the kid was da killer
dr drew helps get maid out
Miriam sez maid is jealous of those close to char
maid goes to brit and tells him
at night char talks to a painting of confederate dad saying he iced the hated guy
she opens da front door and a yankee reporter snaps pix and runs
then Miriam comes in, drops a fake head and char faints
its revealed Miriam and dr drew were working to commit her and get her estate
this is like that joan Crawford movie where she chopped off that guys Gulliver and her daughter tried to drive her nuts
maid sneaks back and finds char drugged
she tries to get char out but hears a noise and puts everything back and hides
also she took the drugs
Miriam comes in and notices the drugs are gone and goes out
maid gets char dressed but mir returns
maid reveals she knows of da drug and is gonna out her
u revealed ur hand!
then Miriam busts her with a chair and she goes down da stairs
I think she bit it
later dr drew is there saying char deluded herself into thinking confederate dad iced the hated guy
and cuz of dat she never spent her inheritance
later the brit sees the coroner about maid biting it
they say she fell off a ladder
and dr drew brought her in
later dr drew sings hush hush sweet charlot and char wakes up and comes down
he leaves b4 she gets there
she play it a bit on piano but finds herself holdin a gun
she has a trippy experience of reliving the party night
then confederate dad comes in and hated guy leaves
then the room is empty
hated guy returns but then hes missing a hand and head
so se caps him
then the windows blow out
back in reality Miriam comes in and char capped dr drew
char stops her from calling da sherrif saying its an accident\
char sez to hide da body and to pay off mir for it
this is kinda like in gone with the wind how scarlet capped dat yankee and Melanie (Olivia de haviland) helped hide the body
then the brit returns and mir answers da door
brit mentions maid biting it and char overhears
after brit goes they drive a car with dr drews body in it
oh straight jacket was the joan Crawford movie it happened in
char don't wanna touch dr drews body but does it anyway
they dump him in da river
on the way back Miriam slaps char around and sez shes never gonna suffer for her again
mir takes the car and char cries inside
but then dr drew returns covered in mud
what is this? interview with the vampire?!
char freaks out
Miriam returns and dr drew is gone but theres a muddy footprint
later Miriam and dr drew share a drink
they casually bicker over who gets to be the alpha in the dark dealings and choose where to live
oh and she had the wife pay her for covering up the wife chopping up the hated guy
and Miriam let both wife and charlotte suffer for years
what a b--ch
and they used blanks in the gun char shot dr drew with
and theyre getting char committed tomorrow
and confederate dad and hated guy were b0ning a lot
so char crushes dr drew and Miriam with a stone flower pot
just like the start of the film
the gossips say char did it
but the hated guys wife just bit it
brit sez what if wife iced hated guy and was blackmailed?
and tells yankee char was innocent
but that its just a guess
so char leaves her music box behind and walks out of her confederate home free to enjoy her life
yankee gets her photo as does brit
brit gives char the wifes letter
she reads it silently and shows emotion
then drives off on a new adventure
and we hear hush hush sweet charlotte over credits
huh, George kennedy was in this
the end
that was good
I liked it
the ending of her being free moved my heart
its good suspence, good horror and good drama
its got a nostalgia feel to it
makes me think of my 90s home and how it was b4 it got upgraded
the original kitchen and bathroom tile
moves me heart it does
for hush... hush, sweet charlotte 2 I want her and the brit to have become celebs for funding innocence projects to help people wrongly convicted. but one guy is a director who is accused of using real corpses in his film. also actors had to eat the corpses and went mental afterward. the director sez he was told they were fake but the producer sez the director ordered it. turns out it was the producer who did it as he was obsessed with the movie and hated how the director was doing it as its based on his corpse eating fetish.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs Review

note; I spell non canaidian. no extra U's
snow white and the seven dwarfs
this is my review on snow white and the seven dwarfs (1937 ver)
its based on the brothers grimm who usually had cannibalism and serial killers in their stories
after some credits to nice music a book opens and tells us the background like in silent films
snoe white was a kind princess but her evil queen stepmom was a b--ch to her
also her mom has a black magic mirror
yes animaniacs did a parody of this
so the queen keeps needing the mirror whos the hottest chick I the kingdom
but the mirror sez snow white is the hottest
queen dresses her in rags and makes her clean
like a slave!!
the queen is shocked that her b--chyness isn't the most wonderful chick in the kingdom
whuda thunk?!
snow white sings of finding a nice bf
also then a prince comes by
snow white reminds me of my gf
she's got dark hair and milky white skin
but my gf has longer hair and big eyes
kinda like mrs Addams from the Addams family
the prince starts singing to her and she runs but returns
the the evil possibly brittish queen gets p-ssed at this
man this is good animation
and its fullscreen
no black bars
queen has a huntsman sent to take her out and wack her
hey its just like with daiana in England
also the queen wants huntsman to chop her up and bring back her heart in a box
wtf that's sick
kids movie my a55
what next? make the prince the human centipede?!
wheres the king anyway?!
I think queen had him wacked
so huntsman is gonna waste her but cant do it
he outs the queen and sez to run away and never return
just like the lion king
she runs to the woods and all these creepy cr-p happens
the plants are grabbing her
is this la blue girl?!
son of a b--ch this place is haunted!
she freaks out and collapses after all this freeky cr-p
btw we're 10 mins in and all this crazy cr-p happened
great animation too
back in the 30s they knew how to make it good
the 90s had good shows like ducktales and gargoyles
what would walt this of the cr-p they got on the Disney channel now?
so then the sun comes out and all the creepy eyes in darkness turn out to be cute woodland critters who comfort her
I guess they senses her positive Ki
she instantly recovers fro her horror and sings
I just noticed snow whites hair looks like a 20s chick
this light song is like a g rated betty boop cartoon
so snow white needs a place to sleep as she don't wanna do it on the ground like campers
and the animals lead her to a house
wow water reflection distorted mirror image on the ground
how'd they do dat?
btw snow white is in high heels
and all those malcontents said the chick in Jurassic world running in heels was unrealistic
snow white goes in and everythings small
she thinks its for kids
but its a bit dusty and cobwebby and messy
leave the webs alone
those spiders live there
so she decides to clean up
when my mom cleans my cr-ppy area, she always moves things and I never know where she put em
it may look disorganized, but I know where everything is
also the animals help her clean
is this really happening?
or is it in her mind?
if it is happening I think the animals are magic
maybe yokai
lol a spider scared off a rodent for ruining his web
if it were a bigger spider like in brazil it would eat that rodent
why is it always cutesy animals helping her?
why not centipedes and spiders and dragon flies and worms?
y'know, the useful ones
birds are only good as food
squirrels and rabbits eat crops
deer are good to eat
as are their fusion with sasquatch; the moose
meanwhile, a family of midgets dig for jewels in a mine and sing
I notice these jewels are already cut and polished in the earth
then they go home singing
good use of light and shadow
and good angles
at home snow white goes upstairs and finds their beds
she sleeps across 3 beds like in the simpsons how homer parked across 3 handicapped spots
at night the animals hear the midgets coming and cheese it
when they get home they see the lights are on and the chimney is smoking
so they assume its a ghost, goblin, dragon or daemon
does that mean they have those things in this era and place?
is this the lord of the rings?
they look around and notice its clean
they think the stew cooking(made of one of the animals who cleaned?) is witches brew
also sneezy has a hurricane blast sneeze
so they tie up his nose
wont his head asplode then?
theres 7 midgets
like the 7 deadly sins, 7 dragon balls and 7 chaos emeralds
after a fake scare they think dopey is the monster and beat him with clubs
but he's ok
they think snow white is a monster and try to ice her but stop when they see her
why is everyone trying to wack snow white?!
they think shes cute and grumpy is against her
she wakes up and is surprised theyre midgets
she knows which dwarf is which based on their outward personality
what is this?! full metal alchemist?!
they are named after their trait like the seven deadly sins??
she reveals the queen wants her iced and the dwarfs know the queen is evil (like the one in England)
she gets to stay to cook and clean for em
like a slave!!
she wants em to wash b4 dinner
they say they did but when she chex their hands theyre covered in filth
snow white is disturbed they have a fine layer of fdust on their palms and makes em wash
snow white has kind of a girly voice
she seems like a bimbo
I mean it in a good way
as in cute and cheerful and nice and fun
they wash in a funny way
later the queen talks to her black magic mirror and it reveals the heart in the box was from a pig
so evil queen goes to her lab and uses her spellbook to find how to disguise herself
she uses Halloween cr-p to turn herself into a nasty old hag
now she's the modern queen of England instead of the 30s one
man she really deforms
why'd she use magic to turn her clothes black?
just change ur outfit!
this is like cutey honey but on drugs
the good guys then sing and dance 30s style
dopey and sneezy do the "2 midgets in a coat" thing to dance equally with snow white
sneezy sneezes in the coat and it inflates and rockets dopey out the top
i'm not sure he had that much air in him
maybe he has a pocket dimension inside him that blasts air from an elemental plane
then snow white tells a love story about meeting her prince in high pitched song
then its bedtime and snow white gets their bedroom and they sleep in the lower level
b4 bed she prays and asks for grumpy to like her
what a nice girl
they wouldn't have that in modern Disney
one dwarf uses dopey's a55 as a pillow
so the evil queen makes a poison apple that turns a green apple black, then red
race tf sequence
but only loves true kiss can revive the eater of the apple
as the evil hag leaves she kicks some bones of her victim imprisoned in her cage
that's f'd up
probably disagreed with the monarchy and was executed by starvation
maybe its the king who she had imprisoned for defying her
just like in england
so the midgets leave for work and tell snow white to beware of strangers
so I just noticed I think dopey may be mentally disabled
nowadays they'd make it super pc or dark and malcontent
secretly grumpy warms up to snow white
why is she called snow white?
cuz shes pale?
is that her street name like tin tin or t bird or funboy in the crow?>
or wolverine, gambit and cyclops in x men?
so snow white if making a pie for grumpy and the hag comes by
hag sez men prefer apple pie and offers her the one red apple in a basket of green apples
the birds attack the hag but snow white saves her
she fakes being unwell and snow brings her inside
the animals rush to get the midgets
huh, this is a lot like birth of a nation how lilian gish was in danger and the heroes of the film rush to save her
and it keeps cutting between the two
so hag sez the apple is a magic wishing apple that biting it will make ur dreams come true
grumpy leads the charge to save snow
snow white wishes to lives happy with her bf and bites it
then she bites it off screen
then its raining like in 20 000 leagues under the sea with the squid fight and the animals and midgets chase down the queen
she gets stuck at the top of the hill and tries to crush em with a rock
but lightening hits the rocks under her, and she falls and the rock goes after her
um, lightening doesn't destroy wet rock
it conducts over the water
whatever, shes in h-ll now
they couldn't have the midgets beating her dead
so the midgets are bummed snow white bit it
esp grumpy
aww a sad moment
then we get text saying they couldn't bury her
so they made a glass and gold coffin to keep her in
then the prince from b4 comes by and sings of love
what is this? sailor moon?
he smooches her body and she revives
she kisses the dwarfs heads bye and goes off with the prince to be a good queen
the end
that was grand
classic, beautiful and clean
nowadays they'd add a lotta pop culture refs and modern cr-p to appeal to the kids
but this was timeless and perfect for telling the classic story
I've seen this as a kid but now I can appreciate it
most grand
for snow white and the seven dwarves 2 I want there to be an 8th dwarf who returns and finds they knew snow white. he's disgruntled they didn't summon him while he was out whaling in the ocean and goes to see snow white. but the evil queen has revved herself by possessing the vultures that went after her when the rock fell on her and returns to the castle to get revenge. she uses her black magic cr-p to return to human forme and powers up into a huge hulking abomination that attacks the castle. and the prince, snow white and the 8th dwarf team up and take her on. its also a 16 bit game on sega genesis, super Nintendo and game boy advance where you have missions to attack the giant areas of the monster queen to break her down one part at a time playing as the 8th dwarf, the prince or snow white and they each have their own abilities like snow white fighting by sending birds to attack, the prince has his sword, and the 8th drawf has a harpoon

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

The Bridge On The River Kwai Review

note; you know my views from past reviews. guess who I like in this film???
bridge on the river kwai
this is my review for bridge on the river kwai
its got 1910s actor sessue hayakawa, alec guinnes and William holden
its directed by dfavid lean who did some britler movies
this one is set in ww2 about the noble Nippon-jin vs the okama gaijin
its based on a frechie novel
Frenchies and brits?! but they were the bad guys lol
its super widescreen
about half the screen is black bars
in da credits through a jungle a train goes by and stops at a work site
the music tries to make men walking sound dangerous
an American digging graves has his supervisor get him a sick day by bribing him with a lighter he got from a brit
i'll call him yank
he has a halfa55ed prayer for the brit
in the office, col saito (like junichi saito who did sailor moon eps?) is played by hayakawa
then the brits come in whistling the sing from the simpsons with Michael Jackson
her teeth are big and green
she smells like gasoline
wtf theres a second verse w/o words
is this a musical like oliver??
I hate those cockney accents
if the Kaiser had won we'd have been done with em
saito meets the colonel named Nicholson
i'll call him col
saito sez he's making a railroad from Bangkok to Rangoon and the brits are gonna work for him
better than letting em rot in a prison camp
col confronts saito about him and the higher up britlers getting outta work
he sees them as superior to his men so he don't gotta slum with em
typical britz; seeing themselves as better than their fellow to boost their low self esteem from their big rotting teeth!
I remember it was optimus primal who said; he wouldn't give an order he wasn't willing to do himself
so are the brits the predacons?
then its raining and yank and col talk about how they got to the camp
yank sez his groups officers did work
but col still thinks he can reason with the guy in charge
oh and they're deep in da jungle so if they try to escape the yeti will get em or w/e
col sez in Singapore he was ordered to surrender and he believes in the law most
yeah cuz law breakers follow your laws
oh and col sez his men should feel like they are commanded by brits not the Japanese
the next day saito tells the english prisoners they gotta work on the bridge and they belong to the Japanese
sounds right as the Japanese caught em
you don't have your suicune telling its trainer what items to use on it
col brings up the geneva convention (something saito never consented to)
so saito busts his a55
col knows nothing of bushido or warrior code
britler sez his men don't gotta work for saito
this okama gaijin doesn't know his place
which is gonna be deep in jigoku soon if he keeps it up
so prisoners go to work but the higher rank soldiers don't
candy a55!
saito tells him to order his men to work but col candya55 doesn't
so saito brings in one thing the brits fear... a gun!!
shred em saito san!
but a fruity guy sez theres too many witnesses and his soldier code shouldn't include icing unarmed men
so saito goes inside and lets those brits cook in da sun
stubborn candya55 brits!
yank sez the brits have guts like in ww1
imagine if the commies took over America and when they wanted everyone at mcdonalds to work in the ghost acid mines, the ceo and board of directors said; we don't wanna! send the grease monkeys at the fryer instead of us!
as its getting dark (holy cr-p its bern half an hour and nothing happened) col candya66 goes to see saito
they put him in this hot box to let him cook
remember in the 90s batman how he changed his looks and went to see where these hobos disappeared?
then got a head bump and forgot who he was and had to survive a prison camp?
well he was put in a hot box there too.
then it showed the fata55 eating chicken
as a kid I thought he ate the men he cooked
oh and a few guys tried to escape
days later the fruity guy wants saito to let col out
saito busts his a55 over the bridge taking too long
saito sez to tell col if the brits don't work, saito'll close the hospital and they will work instead and bite it
and it'll be col's fault
didn't that happen in volume 1 of violence jack where the slum kings men had those kids hostage?
also if col wasn't gonna work for his own men,. why would he for lesser ones?
its like; if you wont save this baby, will you do it for a raccoon??
i'm surprised saito didn't just have col taken out and b0ned dead
b0ne him into submission!
oh and yank was one of the ones who tried to escape
so col don't give in even when innocent lives are at stake
what a stubborn d-ck
maybe saito should b0ne him dead!
so yank is wandering the wastelands and sees birds
catch one and eat it
later saito busts the brits over their higher ranks seeing themselves as superior and causing the bridge to take too long
and he's gonna be in personal command of the bridge
then gives the prisoners presents
I like him
hes bada55
they get red cross things
later the bridge they're making busts a bit
later saito has English corned beef with col candya55
and Scottish booze
but col refuses
such impolite actions
saito sez he went to England years ago
and he used to be an artist but his dad made him go in military service
col still wont let his few higher rank soldiers work even though everywhere else other officers do it
and he refuses all attempts at compromise from saito
what a stubborn d-ck
saito reveal he's gonna bite it if he don't get da bridge done in time
so col jokes about it
what a d-ck
hope saito sets him on fire
saito tells all the traits the brits have that p-ss him off
whoever wrote this (a Frenchie) don't get how japan would do things in real life
they'd end col britler candya66 over any of the cr-p he pulled
in the US army they kick his candy a55
but here they just get p-ssed like a sat am cartoon
ohhhhhhhh i'll get him next time!
and if theres too many witnesses, just take em out back and chop em up
later they take col candy a55 to meet saito san
the men get the day off in anniversary of the Japanese victory over Russia in 1905 (when the battleship potemkin happened)
saito sez he wont make the men do manual labor for the occasion and all the brits go ape
how is this a victory?!
they got cooked
and in the real version I think some were b0ned
horray! we're P O W's!!
it also shows saito crying
good f man!
this gaeru gaijin who wrote this knows nothing of the honorable Japanese!
and it was adapted by a brittish commie
I think
so after a while its revealed the location of the bridge is bad
theres no bottom to the river (I call bulls--t on that)
and col candya55 has the bridge built right
to "teach the barbarians western efficiency to put them to shame"
nowadays that might trigger some candya66
a handful of brits teaching the Japanese military how to build a bridge after they built miles of train track
yeah that's logical
oh and all the hard work the Japanese did being useless
yeah the guy who wrote this hated jAPAN
not me
ore samma wa Yugioh jozu
they have a meeting with the Japanese and he remasters the plans and orders to get it done right and better
candy a55 col sz to saito; we lost a month to a disagreement which I WAS NOT TO BLAME
what a d-ck!!
rubbing it in when saito might bite it if its not done in time
meanwhile yank is at a beach place to recover and makes out with a bimbo
I missed a part where he found rescue
he has a meeting with some high rank brit about him going back and bustin the bridge
he don't wanna return and reveals his truth
turns out yank was a cook or something and faked being an officer after his boat went down
but the brits knew about it
the navy knew and don't know if they want to commend his escape or bust his a55 for impersonating an officer
so they sell him to the brits
so much for he allies being the good guys
btw in the real story the col tried to prevent the bridge being finished and did cr-ppy work
but here hes honorable and witty
what next? gacy; the musical??
later the brits at the beach base try to turn an innocent boy into a killer by trying to make him think its good
its for the mission
oh f hes Canadian!
no wonder hes a wiener
just tell him the soldiers he's killing dont identify as being born
also the high rank brit gives yank suicide pills
as if you get wounded they leave you behind
hats the brits for ya
I mean
so yank goes on the mission
they are guided by a chick who don't speak English on a path yank never took
yank points out hes not needed
but they say theres unexpected cr-p
the real saito was a decent nice guy who was friends with the col
they just altered everything for this film
what next? Robert e lee and u s grant as best homies fighting an indian uprising??
on the way there the yank and his homies go through jungle and get leaches
yank kicks the radio and the Japanese news (in English) sez info on the train heading for the bridge
how convenient
later col has his officers work on the bridge (you son of a b--ch!!! that negates the whole reason you went mental)
and wont want saitos men to help as "its his bridge"
good F this guys an a55 hole!!
othe bridge, yank goes swimming with some Asian chicks
but the Japanese find em
so they shred em with gunfire
later the Canadian guy caps a Japanese soldier and I think a higher rank guy got bone damage as Canadian didn't get him soon enuff
so they leave him behind
this isn't that good
its just people moving slowly
he's still going with em
he's slowing em down but keeps wanting to go
so he sends em ahead of them
yank gives him a speech about living being important
so they carry him
so after too long they get to the bridge and plan to bust it
the next day saito and col candya66 have a moment on the bridge
then its night and the men watch some dancers
the yank and friends set up da bridge
oh f theres cross dressing in the play the soldiers are watching
well... it IS brittish
later col gives a speech about the bridge helping those in need
and after the war, they can feel proud of doing so well
then they sing "God save the king"
which god?
and why does he need saving?
are those he wronged coming after him??
so instead of bustin da bridge then and there, they wait all night for some reason
and now the water level lowered and they can see the wire and charges
saito opens the bridge and the brits come over
the fruity guy don't wanna be part of the bridge thing
and in 5-10 mins da trains coming
oh boy! more waiting!!
bad enough we had to sit through 40 mins of walking through the jungle
so col candya66 finds the wire
and gradually follows it with his eyes
he tells saito san and they follow it on foor
he finds the wire and pulls it as the train keeps blowing its whistle
the Canadian wastes saito and col tries to save the bridge
the yank keeps saying kill him to the Canadian
I think col wacks Canadian
yank runs out and gets capped a few times
col snaps and is gonna get the detonation thing but a mortar lands near him
as a zombie he limps forward and falls on the detonator
the bridge and train go down, with many innocent lives on em
the higher rank brit sez he had to cuz they would've been captured alive
the fruity guy I think sez its madness and we get the simpsons song from before
sounds cheerful for this dark scene
also is footsteps of soldiers marching to h-ll
then some birds
the end
that was pretty f'd
its pretty long but don't feel it
its got some f;d up history and themes
but its well made
I kinda liked it but its got a lot of problems
good color and effects
but the way it was told was pretty good despite the clashing cr-p
I kinda liked it
but I also liked get rich or die trying
its kinda like that
for bridge on the river kwai 2 I want col candya55 to wake up in a Japanese hospital and to have realized the error of his ways. also he has the spirit of saito as his spirit partner like in Yugioh or hikaru no go as his soul linked to his after biting it and in the chaos of war. also he has access to all saito's info and saito can possess him at times to take over for things he has to. they decide to help japan win against the brits and give col candya55's passwords and codes to the emperor who has them counter all brittins attacks. soon America joins japan as they realized England is worse and they team up against the commies. oh and col/saito is given experimental armor units that people drive like a car but its shaped like a big matal man. its also a strategy game like nobunaga's ambition or advance wars on sega genesis, super Nintendo and game boy advance and you play as either saito/col or the king of England trying to take down the noble Japanese and turn japan into new Sodom.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

The Plymouth Adventure Review

note; historical figures spell bad too
the Plymouth adventure
this is my review on the Plymouth adventure (ply mouth) the 50s one
ive never seen it b4 but its got spencer tracey
ooh its by mgm
ooh its color and fullscreen
and Lloyd bridges
and its based on a novel
after some upbeat credits  with good singing we get text saying how these people started America
in 1620 England (the Castlevania days)(just after Christopher Belmont but before Simon Belmont) people are getting on the mayflower
1 chick from Holland's husband is missing and shes going with another guy
1 guy talks about making cash in the new world
spencer tracewy goes into a bar or something
hes captain jones
like dr jones from dat aqua song
he talks with the guy paying him for the trip
and many are trying to escape the evil church of England
they talk about where to land
paying guy wants jones to land in new England
wasnt one England bad enough?
what next? new mexico??
captain jones sez he don't care if they land in h-ll but his crewman would go mental if they sail too high north
then a carpenter comes in wanting to go on the trip
he gives his status and skills
its like seeing the new party members stats when he joins u
later bout how jones don't usually carry passengers
la on da boat a fight breaks out
carpenter faces a shirtless guy
jones breaks it up
one guy sez the passengers are used to good homes and beds
but are fleeing da cops
well, it IS England
they oppress humans for no real reasons
also one guy sez theres only 1 unmarried girl over age 10 there
is 11 the age of consent in England?
well, the way its going, it might be again soon
carpenter finds a guy hiding and nearly busts his head in
but he knows the guy and they talk
he was reading about people wanting a free church
but carpenter is in the evil church of england
what next? the church of Sodom?
and hes loyal to englands deviant regent; da king!!
later a guy wans the people to sign something
if they do, everything they have belongs to the company
sounds like soviet Canada how license plates don't belong to the owner and are crown property
so if anyone complains about urs, the big bad guv can steal it
and I think you gotta pay for a new one
jones later sez w/o a contract the company don't gotta send em to the right place
man England is awful
also the new England company is going down and the paying guy is gonna but it cheap b4 word gets back to England
the people choose tpo sail w/o the paying guys contract
and tracy/jones sees em as foolish
but does nothing to help em
what a d-ck
holy cr-p we're nearly 30 mins in
that felt like nothing
later jones returns drunk and theres a bimbo in the boat with him
I assume in the real version they were b0ning
on the boat he drunkenly comes on to this chjick
I think he's trying to b0ne her in the real version
srsly shes freaked out by him
some big Portuguese looking guy throws him off her
in the real version I think his parts were flopping around
the next day he launches and the chick he tried to b0ne looks at him
on the 1st night a guy writes his diary about the people fleeing soviet England
one kid thinks the new world will be like the garden of Eden
what about the demons(bigfoot)
days later theres boat trouble
one of the boats might go down so they gotta go back
and if they go again its storm season
jones sez a guy who would've went to the new world with em busted the hull on purpose
the people wanna keep going to America
and they wanna take on the passengers who still wanna escape England
but jones sez they gonna deal with not having another ship to help em if they have cr-p
also he knows who the hiding guy is wanted in England and he can sent him back to be executed if he steps outta line
later jones talks with I think hiding guy and jones has a bad view on people
later this blonde is getting water and 2 straight Englishmen try to help her
she wants to wash off with seawater as she stinks
carpenter shows her the supplies
she knows of the printing press as they used it to print books on freedom that made the brits hate em
later they go to a room but don't b0ne
in the real version I think they b0ned
later the nearly b0ned chick is washing clothes and a sailor sees its using drinking water
so he takes her to the captain jones
she sez the sailors aint being kosher with her
jones sez they're not used to women on deck
sounds like liberals excusing foreigners mo lesting citizens
jones goes on a tirade and I think tries to seduce her
i'm surprised he didn't just b0ne her right there
later they get a lesson in how to use firearms
i'm surprised the brits used to allow guns
later a guy tells of his experience in America b4
jones tells about how bada55 and rough it'll be in the America
later theres a storm
I think someone bits it overboard
but they pull his a55 up
see you in h-ll homie!
they lose a body in da ocean, its never coming out
might as well be in space
btw this storm looks real
far better than cgi could be
that why the 50s were great\
holy cr-p the ship is taking a pounding
part of da inside cracks and bends
they keep it up with bits of wood
they use da printing press to fix da bent cracked wood
after the storm the boat is moldy and cool and people have fever and wounds
the b0ned girl tells tracey/jones thnx for saving my husband
he sez if he was thinking normal he'd've left him
that f'd up
i'd let him bite it in da cold black sea
by October 14 (Lillian Gish's birthday) they are running low on food
latr a guy is caught steeling food
the catcher fights him
and wins
winner gets the other guys virginity
they're gonna f him dead but jones saves him
after a while people get scurvy
they run low on food and supplies
jones talks about how he sees em as doomed to the chick he tried to b0ne
why not catch a seal or dolphin or whale or mosasaur?
she sez she knows hes good inside(like Inuyasha)
later they find a dead burd
they show the koid who thought it would be like Eden
later he goes up on deck, looks out, smiles, and bites it
they say a prayer and dump him overboard
they could've ate him
then they find land
but its new England and they were gonna go south
they mention john smith (mel Gibson in the Disney version)
they talk to jones but he sez they gotta live here
plus his boat is f'd
the settlers decide to stay there to have more freedom from the church of England and its deviant ruler; da regent!
the settlers talk over it and one mentions God is in the room with em
nowadays it would be shown in a bad way
they establish a better government and laws
then says all the names of those signing it
some men go ashore
the b0ned chick asks jones to stay for a bit longer while the men set up
but he wants her to come back to soviet England with him
they kiss
that's like b0ning in the 1400s
he ries to get her to ditch her man but she wont
what is this romance cr-p?!
they just stick it in at the end like it means something
I ate how  EVERY film has romance in it
horror? needs romance
comedy? needs romance
action? needs romance
she goes out from his cabin and looks at the sea
later its implied she suicide
 the crew want jones to leave but he fights em
later its spring and most of em survived
the Indians helped em a bit
later they thank jones (wtf his name is chris! like me!) and hes going back to soviet England
jones tells the husband of the woman he b0ned she never betrayed him
the hiding guy sez jones was on a pilgrimage  his heart or something like in Yugioh gx
then he returns to England
then the credits show footage of who played who
the end
that was good
great effects
good story
I cared about where the characters went for most of it
I knew they made it
but not the little details
sorta like watching a bible movie
if this were made in the 90s they'd probably cast ed asner as jones
gruff, rough, but with a good heart inside
for the Plymouth adventure 2 I want it to be a year later and the people growing in new England are facing a new challenge; the sasquatch!! the gangs of sasquatch begin raids on the city and riding wolly rhinos hey kept in reserve for hundreds of years. the people pray for help and angels come down to fight the sasquatches and its an epic battle of angel and ape. also its a 16 bit hack and slash on sega genesis and super nintendo and gba with up to 4 players as angels fighting waves of sasquatch who have black magic powers and the boss is a demon mammoth fused with a sasquatch that's semi bipedal and fires electric fire out of his trunk that stuns the player if hit.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Audrey Rose Review

note; I never saw this b4 so my spellings gonna s-ck to keep up
Audrey rose
this is my review of ausrey rose
its directed by Robert wise who did lotsa good cr-p
ooh its by mgm
and united artists
it starts with a car crash
then the car catches fire
its got Anthony Hopkins
I like him
it shows a fam bike riding
I think theyre on vacation
good music btw
the think develops photos and makes out with husband
then they pick up their daughter at school
but the mom trys to escape the dad
at home the daughter sez her friend who's 9 is having her peereeod
shes gonna get pregnant in grade school
I think this is a different couple
this womans husband comes home
the other dad has a beard
I will call him beardo
at night the daughter makes moany sounds
shes being b0ned by a ghost??
her name is ivy
mom chex on her but she cant remember her dream
mom lets her stay home from school
later the dad describes the beardo to a cop
but cop sez as beardo hasn't done anything wrong, they cant do anything to him
otherwise its soviet Canada where you can accuse someone of a "human rights" offence and get em charged in a kangaroo court
at a store dad thinks he sees beardo and looks around
but theres not him there
later dad gives ivy a purse
its revealed beardo got it
previously beardo called to ask how ivy is
later in da mail mom gets a letter with a paper with some info on some guy
dad sez next time he sees him hes gonna get him
then we cut to a cop keeping people from fighting
but its 2 others in a car accident
good fake out
mom is late cuz of da accident and runs to get her kid
as the school she cant find ivy but its now raining and she sees a kid running
so she goes after her
man she runs weird
then beardo (oh f its Hopkins) sez ivy is safe and for them to talk to him later
at home mom gets p-ssed at ivy for leaving school w/o her
beardo calls and sez to meet somewhere
just tell em what ur deal is now!
u had 2 chances to say it!
at a restaurant they meet and beardo shaved
imma still call him beardo
ahh my gut itches
man I got fat
so he tells em his daughter was named Audrey rose
beardos gfam bit it in a car accident years ago
later at a dinner party a psychic knew everything about beardo and his daughter was alive
beardo went to another psychic who sed what Audrey's new life was like
and she came back
and after beardo saw ivy he knew it was Audrey
the rents go home b4 beardo can finish and ivy was having a nightmare
beardo calls again but they hang up
later dad talks to a jewish guy who tells of the dybbuk (which sam raimi made a movie about(the possession)) a wicked spirit that atakcs people
later beardo comes by and recognizes the place from what the psychix told him
beardo said he went to india to learn of reincarnation
and narrowed down who Audrey became
she died 2 mins b4 ivy was born
spoiler; people have souls b4 they are born
ur not wiggling around in da womb as a soulless hunk of meat
having a soul isn't depentant on location
then ivy starts freakin out and screaming
and no one can get through to her
but beardo calms her down saying her name Audrey
and sez Audrey cooked in a burning car(ivy said she was hot)
dad goes mental on beardo
he helped ur kid!!
also Audrey I mean ivy has finger burns
dad sez its the radiator
but she wasn't near it
mom reveals every year near her b day she has nightmares
dads denies the next life in an attempt to comfort his wife
that's kinda awful
later dads calls from work saying hes gonna be late
mom accidentally leaves da phone off da hook
later mom puts up a screen over da window in ivy's room
beardo calls but she sez to say shes out
I assume hes gotta  tell em something about ivy that they didn't let him say b4
later ivy starts freakin out and f ing up da place
its pretty freaky
no audio, just doomy music
eventually she lets beardo up and he calms her
mom sez a prayer to repent of her mistakes
hopkins i mean beardo sez her soul is trying to get free
and ivy might bite it
eardo talks about the cr-ppyness of india he saw and how they say this life isn't the end
and people have many lifetimes
and cuz 700 million others think its true it must be real
46% of the population believes in global warming
48% is creationist
and that's with the media bashing creationism and boosting global warming
so creationism is more believable than global warming
48 is more than 46
a dr calls mom back but mom sez to come back in da AM
i checked Wikipedia and it sez this is based on a book
wtf the book is inspired by actual events!
dad returns and is p-ssed she let in beardo
but he gets p-ssd back at him
later ivy asks why she didn't wake up from "burning her hands on da radiator"
dad sez burns hurt later and they put ointment on
that's cr-p btw
later dat night, ivy frwaks out and beardo comes by
but dad assaults him
so beardo fights back and wins
man theres a lot more swearing in here than most Robert wise films
beardo locks them out of their home and when they go to the service enterence beardo and ivy are gone
da cops are there and try to get beardo to come out of a loced room
they talk him into letting em in
then da cops book beardo for "kidnapping"
he went like 20 feet with her!
then its a court case and this lawyer argues reincarnation is real
and  guy from india is a witness to convince 12 jurors of it
he gives a lesson on his beliefs
lol he sez their belief makes em love all people
what about the religion wars? the murders? the raepes? the class system?
we get footage of india people in the river
don't wanna say "Indians". it might be racist
later at this catholic school, a girl brought in a newspaper about da trial
ivy has found out and is disgruntled
mom trys comforting her
mom wants to take ivy home but ivy wants to stay cuz they're finishing a big a55 snowman tomorrow
ivy thinks it wou;ld be great to "live forever and never die"
1; they die endlessly with reincarnation
2; even if the person lived forever they'd outlive everyone they love ands be alone in a world passed by them in tech and culture
at night the mom sez; Audrey rose, a few times
at trial the woman driver who iced beardo's fam is called for da defence (f u spelling! defence is spelled with a C! offence has a C! its da same wurd! homie!!)
she sez what happened when he iced the people
at this catholic school they have a ritual where they burn a fire ring around the snowman singing against "old man winter" to go away til xmas
that's f;d up
besides, winter is fun!
snow is great to play in or slide on or build with
oh and ivy walks into the fire
but is stopped
and she has no memory of it
shes ok as she was wearing a lot
mom is called for da defence and sez she believes in reincarnation and beardo is right
her husband is gonna chop her up for dat!
later the dad consents to little ivy being given a test
they gon hypnotize her
mom don't consent but ivy and dad do\
a boris Karloff sounding homie hypnotizes her over a private video thing to the jury
holy cr-p its norman Lloyd
ivy goes back through her memories and shows some good acting skill
norman Lloyd has her go back b4 she was born
but she goes into a fetal position
proof we live b4 birth
in da womb!!
then he takes her back to her previous life
waoh! crazy eyes!
she recalls the car crash and freaks out
I just realized her burning her hands on past fire is like da matrix where if you think its real damage, you get it
or nightmare on elm street where if u get chopped up in a dream, it happens in real life
norman Lloyd brings her outta her hypnosis
but she still freaks out
on the other side of the one way glass beardo calls Audrey rose
but she cant hear him so he busts the glass
then the mom comes in and theres a slow cameras move to build suspence
beardo sez her soul is set free a few times
a buncha times
I think she bit it
mom writes a letter to beardo saying dads warming up to the idea of reincarnation
and beardo took ivy's ashes to india
and she can have peace in heaven to heal her soul b4 being reincarnated back to earth
the end
if she goes to heaven why does she gotta return to earth?
its paradise up there and rough here
its like you get to like in the 1st world between times in the 3rd world.
that's kinda awful to force em to go back down after the joy of the best
its like playing sonic adventure then having to play sonic boom
but that was a good film
well done
well ACTED
and good feels
its got some parts that freaked me out a bit
and I abridged violence jack!
Robert wise was great at horror
for Audrey rose 2 i'd like for it o be the distant future year of 2005 and the dad has frozen himself in cryosleep. he revives as he calculated his daughter would be reborn by then and contacts her. shes a teen now who wears a sci fi outfit like in dirty pair or the chick benten wastes in cyber city oedo 808 ep 3. also the dad has to get used to this cyber punk future with people being mind linked to the internet by brain implants and everyone dressing in cyber bikini's and speedos and listening to 80s style music as it never left.