Tuesday, November 21, 2017

The Bridge On The River Kwai Review

note; you know my views from past reviews. guess who I like in this film???
bridge on the river kwai
this is my review for bridge on the river kwai
its got 1910s actor sessue hayakawa, alec guinnes and William holden
its directed by dfavid lean who did some britler movies
this one is set in ww2 about the noble Nippon-jin vs the okama gaijin
its based on a frechie novel
Frenchies and brits?! but they were the bad guys lol
its super widescreen
about half the screen is black bars
in da credits through a jungle a train goes by and stops at a work site
the music tries to make men walking sound dangerous
an American digging graves has his supervisor get him a sick day by bribing him with a lighter he got from a brit
i'll call him yank
he has a halfa55ed prayer for the brit
in the office, col saito (like junichi saito who did sailor moon eps?) is played by hayakawa
then the brits come in whistling the sing from the simpsons with Michael Jackson
her teeth are big and green
she smells like gasoline
wtf theres a second verse w/o words
is this a musical like oliver??
I hate those cockney accents
if the Kaiser had won we'd have been done with em
saito meets the colonel named Nicholson
i'll call him col
saito sez he's making a railroad from Bangkok to Rangoon and the brits are gonna work for him
better than letting em rot in a prison camp
col confronts saito about him and the higher up britlers getting outta work
he sees them as superior to his men so he don't gotta slum with em
typical britz; seeing themselves as better than their fellow to boost their low self esteem from their big rotting teeth!
I remember it was optimus primal who said; he wouldn't give an order he wasn't willing to do himself
so are the brits the predacons?
then its raining and yank and col talk about how they got to the camp
yank sez his groups officers did work
but col still thinks he can reason with the guy in charge
oh and they're deep in da jungle so if they try to escape the yeti will get em or w/e
col sez in Singapore he was ordered to surrender and he believes in the law most
yeah cuz law breakers follow your laws
oh and col sez his men should feel like they are commanded by brits not the Japanese
the next day saito tells the english prisoners they gotta work on the bridge and they belong to the Japanese
sounds right as the Japanese caught em
you don't have your suicune telling its trainer what items to use on it
col brings up the geneva convention (something saito never consented to)
so saito busts his a55
col knows nothing of bushido or warrior code
britler sez his men don't gotta work for saito
this okama gaijin doesn't know his place
which is gonna be deep in jigoku soon if he keeps it up
so prisoners go to work but the higher rank soldiers don't
candy a55!
saito tells him to order his men to work but col candya55 doesn't
so saito brings in one thing the brits fear... a gun!!
shred em saito san!
but a fruity guy sez theres too many witnesses and his soldier code shouldn't include icing unarmed men
so saito goes inside and lets those brits cook in da sun
stubborn candya55 brits!
yank sez the brits have guts like in ww1
imagine if the commies took over America and when they wanted everyone at mcdonalds to work in the ghost acid mines, the ceo and board of directors said; we don't wanna! send the grease monkeys at the fryer instead of us!
as its getting dark (holy cr-p its bern half an hour and nothing happened) col candya66 goes to see saito
they put him in this hot box to let him cook
remember in the 90s batman how he changed his looks and went to see where these hobos disappeared?
then got a head bump and forgot who he was and had to survive a prison camp?
well he was put in a hot box there too.
then it showed the fata55 eating chicken
as a kid I thought he ate the men he cooked
oh and a few guys tried to escape
days later the fruity guy wants saito to let col out
saito busts his a55 over the bridge taking too long
saito sez to tell col if the brits don't work, saito'll close the hospital and they will work instead and bite it
and it'll be col's fault
didn't that happen in volume 1 of violence jack where the slum kings men had those kids hostage?
also if col wasn't gonna work for his own men,. why would he for lesser ones?
its like; if you wont save this baby, will you do it for a raccoon??
i'm surprised saito didn't just have col taken out and b0ned dead
b0ne him into submission!
oh and yank was one of the ones who tried to escape
so col don't give in even when innocent lives are at stake
what a stubborn d-ck
maybe saito should b0ne him dead!
so yank is wandering the wastelands and sees birds
catch one and eat it
later saito busts the brits over their higher ranks seeing themselves as superior and causing the bridge to take too long
and he's gonna be in personal command of the bridge
then gives the prisoners presents
I like him
hes bada55
they get red cross things
later the bridge they're making busts a bit
later saito has English corned beef with col candya55
and Scottish booze
but col refuses
such impolite actions
saito sez he went to England years ago
and he used to be an artist but his dad made him go in military service
col still wont let his few higher rank soldiers work even though everywhere else other officers do it
and he refuses all attempts at compromise from saito
what a stubborn d-ck
saito reveal he's gonna bite it if he don't get da bridge done in time
so col jokes about it
what a d-ck
hope saito sets him on fire
saito tells all the traits the brits have that p-ss him off
whoever wrote this (a Frenchie) don't get how japan would do things in real life
they'd end col britler candya66 over any of the cr-p he pulled
in the US army they kick his candy a55
but here they just get p-ssed like a sat am cartoon
ohhhhhhhh i'll get him next time!
and if theres too many witnesses, just take em out back and chop em up
later they take col candy a55 to meet saito san
the men get the day off in anniversary of the Japanese victory over Russia in 1905 (when the battleship potemkin happened)
saito sez he wont make the men do manual labor for the occasion and all the brits go ape
how is this a victory?!
they got cooked
and in the real version I think some were b0ned
horray! we're P O W's!!
it also shows saito crying
good f man!
this gaeru gaijin who wrote this knows nothing of the honorable Japanese!
and it was adapted by a brittish commie
I think
so after a while its revealed the location of the bridge is bad
theres no bottom to the river (I call bulls--t on that)
and col candya55 has the bridge built right
to "teach the barbarians western efficiency to put them to shame"
nowadays that might trigger some candya66
a handful of brits teaching the Japanese military how to build a bridge after they built miles of train track
yeah that's logical
oh and all the hard work the Japanese did being useless
yeah the guy who wrote this hated jAPAN
not me
ore samma wa Yugioh jozu
they have a meeting with the Japanese and he remasters the plans and orders to get it done right and better
candy a55 col sz to saito; we lost a month to a disagreement which I WAS NOT TO BLAME
what a d-ck!!
rubbing it in when saito might bite it if its not done in time
meanwhile yank is at a beach place to recover and makes out with a bimbo
I missed a part where he found rescue
he has a meeting with some high rank brit about him going back and bustin the bridge
he don't wanna return and reveals his truth
turns out yank was a cook or something and faked being an officer after his boat went down
but the brits knew about it
the navy knew and don't know if they want to commend his escape or bust his a55 for impersonating an officer
so they sell him to the brits
so much for he allies being the good guys
btw in the real story the col tried to prevent the bridge being finished and did cr-ppy work
but here hes honorable and witty
what next? gacy; the musical??
later the brits at the beach base try to turn an innocent boy into a killer by trying to make him think its good
its for the mission
oh f hes Canadian!
no wonder hes a wiener
just tell him the soldiers he's killing dont identify as being born
also the high rank brit gives yank suicide pills
as if you get wounded they leave you behind
hats the brits for ya
I mean
so yank goes on the mission
they are guided by a chick who don't speak English on a path yank never took
yank points out hes not needed
but they say theres unexpected cr-p
the real saito was a decent nice guy who was friends with the col
they just altered everything for this film
what next? Robert e lee and u s grant as best homies fighting an indian uprising??
on the way there the yank and his homies go through jungle and get leaches
yank kicks the radio and the Japanese news (in English) sez info on the train heading for the bridge
how convenient
later col has his officers work on the bridge (you son of a b--ch!!! that negates the whole reason you went mental)
and wont want saitos men to help as "its his bridge"
good F this guys an a55 hole!!
othe bridge, yank goes swimming with some Asian chicks
but the Japanese find em
so they shred em with gunfire
later the Canadian guy caps a Japanese soldier and I think a higher rank guy got bone damage as Canadian didn't get him soon enuff
so they leave him behind
this isn't that good
its just people moving slowly
he's still going with em
he's slowing em down but keeps wanting to go
so he sends em ahead of them
yank gives him a speech about living being important
so they carry him
so after too long they get to the bridge and plan to bust it
the next day saito and col candya66 have a moment on the bridge
then its night and the men watch some dancers
the yank and friends set up da bridge
oh f theres cross dressing in the play the soldiers are watching
well... it IS brittish
later col gives a speech about the bridge helping those in need
and after the war, they can feel proud of doing so well
then they sing "God save the king"
which god?
and why does he need saving?
are those he wronged coming after him??
so instead of bustin da bridge then and there, they wait all night for some reason
and now the water level lowered and they can see the wire and charges
saito opens the bridge and the brits come over
the fruity guy don't wanna be part of the bridge thing
and in 5-10 mins da trains coming
oh boy! more waiting!!
bad enough we had to sit through 40 mins of walking through the jungle
so col candya66 finds the wire
and gradually follows it with his eyes
he tells saito san and they follow it on foor
he finds the wire and pulls it as the train keeps blowing its whistle
the Canadian wastes saito and col tries to save the bridge
the yank keeps saying kill him to the Canadian
I think col wacks Canadian
yank runs out and gets capped a few times
col snaps and is gonna get the detonation thing but a mortar lands near him
as a zombie he limps forward and falls on the detonator
the bridge and train go down, with many innocent lives on em
the higher rank brit sez he had to cuz they would've been captured alive
the fruity guy I think sez its madness and we get the simpsons song from before
sounds cheerful for this dark scene
also is footsteps of soldiers marching to h-ll
then some birds
the end
that was pretty f'd
its pretty long but don't feel it
its got some f;d up history and themes
but its well made
I kinda liked it but its got a lot of problems
good color and effects
but the way it was told was pretty good despite the clashing cr-p
I kinda liked it
but I also liked get rich or die trying
its kinda like that
for bridge on the river kwai 2 I want col candya55 to wake up in a Japanese hospital and to have realized the error of his ways. also he has the spirit of saito as his spirit partner like in Yugioh or hikaru no go as his soul linked to his after biting it and in the chaos of war. also he has access to all saito's info and saito can possess him at times to take over for things he has to. they decide to help japan win against the brits and give col candya55's passwords and codes to the emperor who has them counter all brittins attacks. soon America joins japan as they realized England is worse and they team up against the commies. oh and col/saito is given experimental armor units that people drive like a car but its shaped like a big matal man. its also a strategy game like nobunaga's ambition or advance wars on sega genesis, super Nintendo and game boy advance and you play as either saito/col or the king of England trying to take down the noble Japanese and turn japan into new Sodom.

1 comment:

  1. Agreed. Can't forget the whistled "Col.Bogey"(already classic song)/orchestral "March from the (movie scene) River Kwai"" medley as immortalized by Herculean multi-tasker Mitch Miller (Columbia record A&R man/personality/arranger.conducor, TV Sing along with Mitch retro barbershop sensation, record star in his own right) in 1958. Hup two three four!