the Plymouth adventure
this is my review on the Plymouth adventure (ply mouth) the 50s one
ive never seen it b4 but its got spencer tracey
ooh its by mgm
ooh its color and fullscreen
and Lloyd bridges
and its based on a novel
after some upbeat credits with good singing we get text saying how these people started America
in 1620 England (the Castlevania days)(just after Christopher Belmont but before Simon Belmont) people are getting on the mayflower
1 chick from Holland's husband is missing and shes going with another guy
1 guy talks about making cash in the new world
spencer tracewy goes into a bar or something
hes captain jones
like dr jones from dat aqua song
he talks with the guy paying him for the trip
and many are trying to escape the evil church of England
they talk about where to land
paying guy wants jones to land in new England
wasnt one England bad enough?
what next? new mexico??
captain jones sez he don't care if they land in h-ll but his crewman would go mental if they sail too high north
then a carpenter comes in wanting to go on the trip
he gives his status and skills
its like seeing the new party members stats when he joins u
later bout how jones don't usually carry passengers
la on da boat a fight breaks out
carpenter faces a shirtless guy
jones breaks it up
one guy sez the passengers are used to good homes and beds
but are fleeing da cops
well, it IS England
they oppress humans for no real reasons
also one guy sez theres only 1 unmarried girl over age 10 there
is 11 the age of consent in England?
well, the way its going, it might be again soon
carpenter finds a guy hiding and nearly busts his head in
but he knows the guy and they talk
he was reading about people wanting a free church
but carpenter is in the evil church of england
what next? the church of Sodom?
and hes loyal to englands deviant regent; da king!!
later a guy wans the people to sign something
if they do, everything they have belongs to the company
sounds like soviet Canada how license plates don't belong to the owner and are crown property
so if anyone complains about urs, the big bad guv can steal it
and I think you gotta pay for a new one
jones later sez w/o a contract the company don't gotta send em to the right place
man England is awful
also the new England company is going down and the paying guy is gonna but it cheap b4 word gets back to England
the people choose tpo sail w/o the paying guys contract
and tracy/jones sees em as foolish
but does nothing to help em
what a d-ck
holy cr-p we're nearly 30 mins in
that felt like nothing
later jones returns drunk and theres a bimbo in the boat with him
I assume in the real version they were b0ning
on the boat he drunkenly comes on to this chjick
I think he's trying to b0ne her in the real version
srsly shes freaked out by him
some big Portuguese looking guy throws him off her
in the real version I think his parts were flopping around
the next day he launches and the chick he tried to b0ne looks at him
on the 1st night a guy writes his diary about the people fleeing soviet England
one kid thinks the new world will be like the garden of Eden
what about the demons(bigfoot)
days later theres boat trouble
one of the boats might go down so they gotta go back
and if they go again its storm season
jones sez a guy who would've went to the new world with em busted the hull on purpose
the people wanna keep going to America
and they wanna take on the passengers who still wanna escape England
but jones sez they gonna deal with not having another ship to help em if they have cr-p
also he knows who the hiding guy is wanted in England and he can sent him back to be executed if he steps outta line
later jones talks with I think hiding guy and jones has a bad view on people
later this blonde is getting water and 2 straight Englishmen try to help her
she wants to wash off with seawater as she stinks
carpenter shows her the supplies
she knows of the printing press as they used it to print books on freedom that made the brits hate em
later they go to a room but don't b0ne
in the real version I think they b0ned
later the nearly b0ned chick is washing clothes and a sailor sees its using drinking water
so he takes her to the captain jones
she sez the sailors aint being kosher with her
jones sez they're not used to women on deck
sounds like liberals excusing foreigners mo lesting citizens
jones goes on a tirade and I think tries to seduce her
i'm surprised he didn't just b0ne her right there
later they get a lesson in how to use firearms
i'm surprised the brits used to allow guns
later a guy tells of his experience in America b4
jones tells about how bada55 and rough it'll be in the America
later theres a storm
I think someone bits it overboard
but they pull his a55 up
see you in h-ll homie!
they lose a body in da ocean, its never coming out
might as well be in space
btw this storm looks real
far better than cgi could be
that why the 50s were great\
holy cr-p the ship is taking a pounding
part of da inside cracks and bends
they keep it up with bits of wood
they use da printing press to fix da bent cracked wood
after the storm the boat is moldy and cool and people have fever and wounds
the b0ned girl tells tracey/jones thnx for saving my husband
he sez if he was thinking normal he'd've left him
that f'd up
i'd let him bite it in da cold black sea
by October 14 (Lillian Gish's birthday) they are running low on food
latr a guy is caught steeling food
the catcher fights him
and wins
winner gets the other guys virginity
they're gonna f him dead but jones saves him
after a while people get scurvy
they run low on food and supplies
jones talks about how he sees em as doomed to the chick he tried to b0ne
why not catch a seal or dolphin or whale or mosasaur?
she sez she knows hes good inside(like Inuyasha)
later they find a dead burd
they show the koid who thought it would be like Eden
later he goes up on deck, looks out, smiles, and bites it
they say a prayer and dump him overboard
they could've ate him
then they find land
but its new England and they were gonna go south
they mention john smith (mel Gibson in the Disney version)
they talk to jones but he sez they gotta live here
plus his boat is f'd
the settlers decide to stay there to have more freedom from the church of England and its deviant ruler; da regent!
the settlers talk over it and one mentions God is in the room with em
nowadays it would be shown in a bad way
they establish a better government and laws
then says all the names of those signing it
some men go ashore
the b0ned chick asks jones to stay for a bit longer while the men set up
but he wants her to come back to soviet England with him
they kiss
that's like b0ning in the 1400s
he ries to get her to ditch her man but she wont
what is this romance cr-p?!
they just stick it in at the end like it means something
I ate how EVERY film has romance in it
horror? needs romance
comedy? needs romance
action? needs romance
she goes out from his cabin and looks at the sea
later its implied she suicide
the crew want jones to leave but he fights em
later its spring and most of em survived
the Indians helped em a bit
later they thank jones (wtf his name is chris! like me!) and hes going back to soviet England
jones tells the husband of the woman he b0ned she never betrayed him
the hiding guy sez jones was on a pilgrimage his heart or something like in Yugioh gx
then he returns to England
then the credits show footage of who played who
the end
that was good
great effects
good story
I cared about where the characters went for most of it
I knew they made it
but not the little details
sorta like watching a bible movie
if this were made in the 90s they'd probably cast ed asner as jones
gruff, rough, but with a good heart inside
for the Plymouth adventure 2 I want it to be a year later and the people growing in new England are facing a new challenge; the sasquatch!! the gangs of sasquatch begin raids on the city and riding wolly rhinos hey kept in reserve for hundreds of years. the people pray for help and angels come down to fight the sasquatches and its an epic battle of angel and ape. also its a 16 bit hack and slash on sega genesis and super nintendo and gba with up to 4 players as angels fighting waves of sasquatch who have black magic powers and the boss is a demon mammoth fused with a sasquatch that's semi bipedal and fires electric fire out of his trunk that stuns the player if hit.
No comments:
Post a Comment