Sunday, June 28, 2020

Twister Review

Note I spell better than some peop0le. Maybe not you, uut theres worse than me
This is my review on Twister from 1996 (The year the N64 came out)
Its based on the party game where you spin a wheel and match the limb to the color
Jk its about mystical space typhoons or w/e
its written by muichael critchton  and stars helen hunt, bill paxton, cary elwes, alen ruck, phillip setyore hofffman, scitt thomson(wait, this isnt the kids in the hall or american pie guy r w/e) and jake  busey
its directal by Jan de Bont who is a guy despite his name and did speed 1 and 2
i saw this b4 but its been years
it made an a55load of dough at the box oriface and got ok reviews
so it starts in the summon i mean summer of 69 and a twister f's through this farm is some coonfederate state or w/e
the fam get in da basement and even lets their dumba55 dog in but da storm rips ooff the door and sucks the dad to oz
afterward its today (da 90s(199x)) and storms are still f ing da planert as divine punishment for the peoples evils
its said theres gonna be a recotd outbreak of tornadoes
then main gguy and his gf come along a road in a  vehicle talking about his his 1st wife probably signed the divorce papers
helen hunt (hh)(double h like the bra size) is  working on a weather thing and is wiith da crew is in soviet kansas
so main guy comes by and shows his gf 2 da croo and phillip  sez hh is running outta grant money
main goy wants the papers from hh and sez hes getting married to gf
phil chats with gf about the suck zone where the twister sucks you up its a55
hh has an item that releases a bunch of sensors to learn how it works and then they can use that to somehow make better tornado warnings
despite it being a ccllear a55 day, they all scramble city to get to the twister as main guy and gf are gonna go but they only now realize that hh didnt sign the papers soo they chase her
then they see a rival who has a corporate sponsor as doing work for money is not kosher to these dinks
yeah and nintendo only got into video games to make people happy
and rival has a similar thing to the hh's mechanilac thing to scan the tornado
main guy gets disgruntled over his idea being ripped off even though rival says their idea wasn't realized when he did his
main guy chooses to get back into working on wind science (seize the wind playmaker) a for a day to stick it to rival
so then its night and theres word of high level otornadoes comming and they get rready for a tropical storm
wait, did they just dim the footage and use that as storm weather?
cuz it clearly looks like its day
an the critics p-ssed over ed wood having day and night sh-t in Plan 9 From Outer Space
so then they drive and talk on cellphones and main guy chats with hh about how his new gf is a therapist and bicker over cr-p
then they mreet the twister and drive away from it, crash and hide under a wood bridge
hh is a dymba55 and wants to c da twister and it twars the boardz off da bridge and eats da car but doesn't touch them and goes by
then the car slams ontothe road by their crew driving
to film this they actually droppred vehicles
nowadays they'd just use cr-ppy cg
so thy regroup and try again after another twister in soviet oklahoma
man we're almosat an hour in with adds
that felt like nothing
also; not much happened
but it wasnt boaring
so after a cow goes by in the storm, they are rigght by the twister and stop as i think theres 2 twisters
after they go by, the main guy and the hh hug and cheer like they did something important
but gf comes by all spazed out over nearly getting iced and main guy comforts her a55
so da crew wants to stop by hh's aunts place for a meal but hh dont consent a
they go there anyway as i guess she had to feed them or they'dd eat her
thn they watch rival say they s-ck on tv and after that the gang tell tall tales
gf i think takkes a shower but we dont see her long shoelace nipples tied in a bow
do ur nipples hang low? do they wobble to and fro? do you tie it in a knot? do you tie it in a bow?
wait, its hh
so  aftet hosing off, hh hats withh aunt about guys and they another tiwster is summoned
btw; i play twin twsiters to destroyy your mystic mine and facedown card by discarding Darklord Supurbia!!
should have said that b4
too bad i only thought of it now and didnt wanna go back and edit the previous part
this gives it more feels
so they go off on theur star convoy to get the next twister
so maon guy drives ofroad and theres  a huge a55 tornady thats halcf a mile wide in base
remember in extreme ghostbusters where they used a proton pack to fire a nucular blast in a tornado to negate it?
why not try that?
so then the weather is f'd out and iys a storm with sh-t falling from the sky
phil is excited about the storm but gf is disgruntled
so hh and main guy drive to a huge a55 triwster and are gonna launch the machine but mega gtwister comes at them and f's over power lins by them and knox over the thing they were gonna laucnh
then the twister vanishes like zilla in new york and they didnt get enuff data and gotta book it
hh wants to stay and do the machine but sharknado resummons and she gets out and b--ches out over how a twister ate her dad and thinks its after her
wtf is this? jaws 04??
maiin guy tells her goood advice to get on with her live and leave the past in h--ll and gf hears them on the radio
so megastorm is gone somehow and after watching the shining at night(which made me think it the channel changed to another movie), hh signs the papers and chats with ,main guy
then the sky lights up with lightening force thhunder force IV and a storm attacks as they hide underground
hh satnds there accepting her end as it comes for her bu she snaps outta it
it f's out the drive in and hh saves a guy or something annd in the basement the cr-pm flying around busts stuff
maybe if they ritual sacrifice one of their kids it will appease the godsa and they will be safe?
nah thats the mayans!
so after da stormgf breaks up with main guy over his sotrm chaser life as she can't handle it
wtf thhe main guy is named billy!
loke in midknight express
ohhhhh billy!!!!!
presses nips on glass
billy starts j-rkin off
so hh goes through the ruins of da town and finds a busted house and finds in it her aunt as the house f's out
they save her and get her out and to an ambulance as the house f--ks apart
then da radio sez the biggest tornasdo in years is out
if this were made today they'd say it was global warming
why not just blame the invid?
that's just as real as global warming
aunt sez she had like a few secomnds of warning b4 it hit andthis resolves hh to fight harder to find a cure for tornadoes
just open the matrix of leadership to light our darjest hour
so the crew make a new machine system outta pop cans and duct tape like they are freakin Red Green
then its another day and they put the machines pieces on pop can s=beyblade parts to act as propellors
so threy drop themachine by a twister and it tips over and the wind moves a tree to trap their car and they escape and the twaister drops a  gasoline tanker outta mad max in front of em and it goes up in a fireblast
i dont thin thats how it works
so they drive on and rival (who's dobe jack sh-t in this movie) gets iced by a metal thing blown throwgh him, tgen his car gets caught by da twister, then blown in impact oj the ground in a fireball
such a useful character
so main guy drives throug a rolling house (which didnt use cg) and they release their cyber pods in the storm after parking and waling a few feet away from the car as the twister gets it
its able to get the data and they run as the tweister comes for them
they get into a barn with blades all over like some texas chainsaw honey booboo thing and they get out as the barn is torn up
a thresher goes over em like in double dragon II on sega and they get to some shed and strap themselves to a pipe
if it tears wood barns apart, won't it tear them off at the arms?
so it passes over them and they see it from da inside and are hanging on by the straps and then its the next day or w/e and they are ok
so they decide to work togetehr on more storm stuff and the movie ends with 80s/70s guitar and footage of nature
the end
that wasnt bad
i thought it worked
not much happens but its interesting
good look, music, feel
lol, steven flick
the l and i look like a U
wtf, alexa vega was in here?
lava girl and spykids?!
but anyway this was a good movie
good entertainment and vibes and effects
in the credits; casey cannon
sounds like a p0rn0 name
but i liked this and it was a well made film
its not groundbreaking or life schanging but its a good watch and does what it sets out to do; entertain
for twsiter 2i want them to be developing a sattelite cannon in space to reflect sunlight into tornaddoes to heat and disperse them without too many people being iced by em. but it has a side effect of cooking anything it hit through the storm. so they gotta aim well and keep from burning too many people. its also a 32/64 bit game on n4, ps1, sega saturn, ds, psp and 3do where you play as an operator of the cannon and try to keep the tornadoes from busting too much by aiming on them and know when to hold off if theres too many people near by.

Thursday, June 25, 2020

D.O.A. Review

Note: I spell bad. but its all in good fun
this is my revirew on D.O.A. from 1950 (When America knrew commies were the bad guys)
its directed by Rudolph Mate and stars mo one i know of
it starts with a title and credits of this guy walking to the homocide division
btw this is NOTTTT the Playstation game with those curvy blondes jiggling and fighting in skimpy outfits and playing beach volleyball
in there he reports a murder and says its in soviet san fran sicko last night and hes the vic
hes frank bigelow (Like deuce bigelow?) and he tells his storyof working in some place by palm spring(Like rose palmer from urotsukidoji?)
hes going out of town snd his blonde is b--chy about him going to san fran sodom to totally not be b0ned by guys
they make uop and go to a  place to eat
btw this is proper full screen and in good b/w
she wants to go with him and he sez he cares for her and she sez he had a bad experience and he dont want her to get hurt
he coins the juebox and she sez she dont like it but he needs to go to san fran aids
spoiler; nowadays its full of junkies and poop on the ground
stay out of that sh-t hole!!
so he gets there and gets a book advising how to have fun in san fran sisko
i keep tginking innuendo from this even though i know its b4 they got turned
he calls his blonde gf and chex out chix walking by and she sez a guy callled for him
she sez theres nothing he can do too make her feel guilty about
permissoon to gay out? granted!!
he goes to another room and this guy there is having a party and the people jerk around to fake dancing
so they eventually go to some jazz place with a guy on a saxaphone and another on piano (dana from robotech: this is your chance to play jazz piano!) and its pretty good and livley
better than the cr-p we got today like that song in the car commerrcial
imma suck for you!
that makes me think of the AVGN line: I'm just a sucker for dick tracy! A sucker for dick!?
at the club is another blonde who likes black music and has a convertable and has a mink coat but never brings a guy
he goes to gher and asks someone to bring his glass but its not his and he tells by da taste
remember in degrasssi where darcy left her drink unattended at a party and it was drugged and she got f'd?
this is san fransisco!
he's gonna get butt hammered!!
so he goes backk to his room and the next day wakes up and the waiter brings him aa drink buut he dont trust it
he's not feeling well and goes out on a cabel car  and across this escape from the city level and gets cheekked out by a dr
hes noot feeling well and blames the drinks and dr sez he seems well
then dr and a gguy comes in and sez he's been poisoned and theres no help
he's f'd
he coul;d pray it away for use pressure points
hes got a day or 2 weex or w/e
he's already dead
He freaks out and books it and goes to another dr who sez  he's got tthe poison
good for getting a 2nd opinion
this is seeming like sunset blvd and double indemnity where the guy is telling his story at the start but is already dead
he sez he's had it in him for 12 hours and its too late to clean out his guts
dr 2 sez he's been murdered and calls da cops and main guy runs through the city
escape from da city!
btw, this is a ggood reason not to go out to bars
imagine a modern vver where someone j-rked off in his drink and gave him aids and he was rotting?
so he calls his blonde and dont get out the words to say hes going to h-ll and she sez the guy who wanted to see him bit it yeaterday and he goes off to soviet los angelas to the guys company
he asks the guys woman why iced guy wanted to see him and she dont know
he goes off and tells gf he's comming home soemtime soon and she sez iced guy signed a bill of sale for this guy 6 months ago
this is like a video game where you get help from a character and go to certain places to collect stuff
he goes back to wife and this reynolds guy (Like mike reynolds from robootech/power rangers?) wasinvolved and she sez it went missing but he realizes she knew there was a bill of sale
he goes to iced guys company and his secritary wont telll him who was involved but eventually sez it was a model wjo was homies with iced guy
oh and iced guyt jumped out a window
he goes to models place and she sez she dont know reynolds and shes revealed shes not seeing ryonolds anymore and is going to buenos ares which was nuked in star ship troopers by a meteor
he  goes to another pplace and these guys say reynolds is actually raymond rakuvian or some weird foreign thing
then he gets into a gunfight with some guys at a factory like in robocop 1
oh and the bill of sale was forr stolen iridium
i wasnt paying attention for a bit but he tallks to some guy and goes back to his room anndsome gangsters got him
they beat on him and gf calls and he tells her to takke her 2200$ out of da bank andbuy that couch she wanted
sje thinks hes drunk and he tells her he loves her and is sorry for going out
thhe ggangsters take him out and say iff he looks at anyone weird or givess any signals they'd ice him
they bring him to their bosss wjo has the model wiith em and main guy sez boss and raynolds arre in it to swundle iced guy oor something
alls main gu has a tummy ache from the poison rotting him
boss sez raynolds was his nephew and bit it months ago
it was someone else who used the reynolds name and boss has his goon gangster take main guy out to get wacked like with the queenn and daiana so he dont squeel on his crimes
after a long drive wiith goon savoring how hes gonna b0ne main guy dead, main guy hits da brakes and runs out, tthen after a chase in a store, main guy shoves boxes on goon and escapes as goon caps guys
shouldnt he shov goon into boxrs? not boxes into goon?
so a guy naiils him in the head with a bottle and main guy escapes and gf meetss him on da street annd keeps ttrying to get her to go back
he sez iced guy was wacked like r fk did marilin monroe and she gushes over how she lobves him and he sez he loves her
its kinda moving
so he goes off and coonfronts secritary over being part of it and finds that guy from b4 had dinner with iced guys wooman
hes f'd out and finds she poisoned him and tells him to get help and they can still save em
main guy confornts iced guys woman and is gonna shove her a55 out the window and she reveals  main guy was the only guy who kneew of the bill of sale and that could proove her iiced man didnt suicide
also other poisoned guys bro (guy he met) was b0ning iced guy wife and iced the iced guy
then some guys come out of a car and iced guys woman sez her butt buddy is at the office
main guy goes there after evading da car guys on a bus and gets to the office
he mreets tthe bro and bro pulls a gun and shoots 1st but main  guy dodges it and empties his gun into him
then back in the cops station main guy sez all he did was notorizze a bill of sale and then bites it
the cops say they'd tell the gf and the file for main guy will be Dead On Arrrival!
then it sez D O A we get a text saying the medical facts in this are real
then credits
the end
that was pretty good
if i were paying better attention i'd like it more but its got good 50s norr feel
good acting, writing, style, mood, filming and story
its well made and another off the hero is dead from the start things
i liked it and thought it worked
classic 40s/50s style and mood
its only like 80 mins and is public domain so its free to watch anyway you want
huh, main guy was in hunchback of noter dame in the 30s and the other side of the wind and whuite heat and julius caesar
and blonde was in my favorite martian
i never saw that but remember the 90s movie adds
for D O A 2 i want the gov to take the corpse of main guy and use it for their revival experiments to make a super soldier. they reviive  him and he sees that he's needed to be a ninja to fight the commies and gang members. also his skills and abilitiies are stronger and he has weapons built into his body. its also a n 8 bit ninja game on atari 7800 and lynx, tg16, master system and game geaer, nes and game boy where you play as him and figt through levels in commie states like san fran sodom and sooviet new york and take on unions and their gangstert homies wwho are funded by the ussr.

Saturday, June 20, 2020

Alexander And The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day Review

Note; i spell like this kids day is
alexander and the terrile horrobale no good really bad day
tgis is my review on Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day from 2014 (When the SDF1 and 2 was busted by Khyron in Robotech)
its based on a book i never read and is directed by some mexican sounding guy who did cr-p i never saw
its got steve carell, jennifer garner, donald glover (don g ,lover) jennifer coolidge, dick van dyke, and no one else i know of
i never saw this b4 but reviews said it was mixed
ooh, its fullscreen! no black bars!
so it starts witrh kid saying his rents say there no suchh thing as a bad day but he knows better
threy drive a f'd out car home and he introduces his fam and he sez this was the worst day and its all his fault
thgen flesh bavk to a day ago and kid is woke up by his bro blowing his digery dooo
wait, that shounds wrong!
its someones b day and dad made a frittata aand has  leveled up in cooking skillz
nothing wrong with guys cooking
look at chef boy ar dee and col sanders
so kid sez this guy is having a high end b day and he wants 1 like it but his rents are more modest
also a teen girl drinks coffee
in a few years, when sciience sez coffee is bad 4 u, this will be seen like smoking or drinking or nose candy
so kid is bring drove to sschool and they play that "whats going on" song that was used in a he man vid
also a girl is reading lord of the fles
eat it piggy! ya fat f--k!
kids big bro's gf is  bossy and pushy and at kids school this other kid send edited images of him in a dress
thats cjhild p0rn0! soneone might j-rk off to that! the kid who sent em might be arrested!! hate crime!!
meanwhile dad is at a baby class with his baby and sez he got canned and now  might have an interview
also mom is at work and nmight get a promotion iiff things go right
she has 4 kids but isnt fat
at school kid wants australia for his project but gets some sh-t hole country in africa
1  guy geta austealia and thinks its got arnold schwatzennegger
in science klass he  lies to this blonde he likes to get her to his cr-ppy party and accidentally burns her lab book
maybe it said theres only 2 genders and he thought it was hate speech?
or it talked about how animals do slavery like the ants that raid other colony's for larva to use as workers?
so after dad gets him home late as he was busy, dad accidentaly garvage ddisosals an action figure of bumble bee from transformers
spoiler: dai atlas is cooler!
soo big bro is getting his liscence test and kid sez how his day s-cked and hes jealous his fam are winners
so in bed he bbickers with his  big broo and after beiing kinda  b--chy,, wishhes his fam would have a cr-ppy day like him
what logic
I s-ck so instead of making muyself better, imma drag everypone elsae to my level
what is this? the USSR?!
bro gets a huge a55 zit and the fam f's around and screws up a lot
oh and the baby p-ssed on the floor
the car light was on all night and the batter f'd out and they all take 1 car and dad trys to be positive
at school, big bro's ggf duumps him cuz shes kind of b--chy and self absorrbed and moms book she worked on sez dump instead of jump
also the kid with the mega radd party got chicken pox and his party is off so kid is gonna starscream his guests
and the kid who texted images of him as a crossdresser got busted and is pronbasbly doing hard time and put on the registry
soo bro gets back with gf but accidentally busts a big gllass thing and dad has to pick him up
trab pu kcip
then mom trys to stoop dick van dyke from reading take that jump but it says  take that dump but sahe cant and after reading a few lines, gets offewnded
takke that dump in the pool! take dat dump pn the bed! d0nt tsake that dump on ur brothers head!!
at the interview, dad brings baby but baby f'd his chances to work on a space station to fight the zentraedii
so dad pix up bro and kid and calls alecander salamander, like the konami game, but i'd go with power sander
so dad trys to get a new bumble bee pacifier (spoler: fortress maximus is cooler) and sister od's on cough syrup and tells her of baby eating a green marker
that kids gonna hhave brain ddamage and grow up to be a purvurt
kid trys to stop bro from his drivers testr but he dont listen abd gets thicc blonde jennifer coolidge as his instructor
his gf calls as hes in the car with that cougar and he answers it, only to get into an aaccident and nearly krlls everyone
after he f's out of the driving test, he opens da door and a car goes by sand busts it off
isnt there some OTHER way to pass this test??
so everyone b--ches about how if it wreent gor kid, this wouldn't jave happpened as he ddid little things that lead to this
like the serbs capping franz ferdinand abnd starting ww1
he admits to wishing they''d s--ck for a day and they say he dont got dat kinda powwr
what about in robotech wiith peryton and the cr-p they didd?
soo they decide to try to make it work and be positive
btw, why not pray it away?
rebuke the bad with holy words?
soo they get sister too her play of peter pan (pan?! but this has don g lover whho was lando who wad panseuxal in disney star wars!! maybe he likes pan from gt??) and she f''s up  the play by being high oon cough syrup
after science sez cough syprp is bad 4 u, this will be seen ike cocaninum in cola
then sister barfs on dad
dad ggets a callback for the intervieew and kid sez to take a chance to makke it all the way, take a chance today
dad wears a  pirate shirt (but i dont wamna be a pirate) and mom comforts sister and sez shes proud of her
so bro gooes to takke  his ggf too prom in a  bllur tuxeddo like dmb and dumber 1 and fam takkes em to a suushi place for the meeting with dads calllbackk
hrs gonna  workk on the space weapons to attack the earth when they get putta hand like in contra shattered soldier
so bros gf is b--chy oover being at a sushhi place and is allergic to shrimp(thats racist) and dad catches just cooked food in his mouth by the chef
his stoolen pirate shirt catxhes fire andhe puts  it out in the tank but thinks it cost hhim the intervuew
he gores ouyt all p-ssed off and kickks gsarbage cans (hate crime!!) and kid sez  he dont gotta be positive and some days  are just bad amd with themm the good days shine brighter
like birth of a nation; sahow the dark side of wrong to illuminate the bright side of light
so bro realizes his gf is a p o s and lets her go too jr prom as the real one is next year
i never went to my prom. i had no use for it
i hate thhe music, i dont dance and the kids were c-ck suckers
so they get home and theres a gater in the house
and a kangaroo, emu and cockatoo and other austrailia monstrs
its for an autrailian pettin zoo
but these are deadly beats
dad goes after da kangaroo as it escapes to b00ne some kids dead and it kicks him oout as the keeper arrives
so tey have a party and theres a gater in a cage that kids can reach into
but dogs bite off limbs of kids too so i guess its ok
the blonde kid alexander likes comes by and he has a good day at the expense of his fam getting f;d
ddad gets the rocket team job and can choose his own hours and mom sez the reading of sdick van dyke gotr 500 000 hits online in hours and now i guess everyone wants the book of dumping on kids
then the australian cowboys are str-pper and dad tells em to keep it pg as they dance to inxs
male str-ppers in a disney movie?!
walt would thrash about in his grave is he knew of that!!
so kid realisez that bad days can lead to good things and this worked out good
then credits to ghem goofin around
the end
that was pretty good
nice, kite, clean, fun, silly, good message, some heart, good msuic and actin
i liked it
its onlyy like 80 mins amd has good flow
its got positivity and good feels and its no the best, but its good enuff
i enjoyed it and its worth checking out
for alexander and the terrible horrible no goo very bad day 2 i want it to be a few years later and dad is working on this space project and a guy he works with comes to him and tells him the gov is working with space daemons and is gonna use a weapons test to wipe out most of the earth. he has to get this info out and escape the agents after him and his fam. and he's got a powersuit that lets him fight off the agents he jacked from the project and uses it to fight the modified humans and space daemons. also its an 8 bit action game on atari lynx and 7800, tg16, gameboy, game gear, nes and master system where you play as dad and fight through levels like in strider or something and get  to releasing the date to the world.

Saturday, June 13, 2020

An Officer And A Gentleman Review

Notw; i spell military but bad
an officer and a gentleman
this is my review for an officer and a gentlemN FROM 1982
its got richard gear, robert loggia, victor french, ND ED begly jr
i nver saw this b4 so i know little of it
its directed by Taylor Hackford who i never heard of or saw anything by
so it starts without 3 mins of logos and has gere getting up and i thik fleshbacks of his childhood with him and some military guy
join the robotech defense force! fight the zentraedi!
so military guy is his dad and i think kid gear is illegitimate and his mom went to h-ll and da was in te forces and sent him to boarding school
when living in the 3rd worl, some slum scum attacks him and takes stuff from him
if he had a strong firearm he could take em out
so in the present hes with his riom mate and sez he joined the navy
yvan eht nioj
and room mate thinks its cr-p
so 10 mins in he goes to danavy and we get opening credits
they get a harda55 drill sergent who rides their a55es
he then warns them of slummy chicks who wanna seduce the men
like a succubus
nowadays they'd have feminazies whining about making 5kanks look bad
manwhile, a chick comes over in a car and is changeing as somone else drices
later after talkin in line, they are made to do 50 push ups and theres also a chick soldier in here like dana from robotech
so as gear pushes up, the car chicks come by and he notices em
as they run and chant a thing about the dangers of 5kanks, the one chick in here sez its not rigth to say that about 5kanks
5kank right are human rights
her mouthing off gets em another 2 miles to run
later gear has contraband in his ceiling and sells it to guys
a big black guy complainbs it mught get em in sh-t but he dont care
after an obsticle course the chick soldier cant habndle the wall and drill says stuff about her being a chick
so later a guy wants him to get more boots that are non standard or w/e
later its a dance and the car chicks are there and gear talks to 1 and sez his history
his dad ios a rear admiral
but i think its all lies!!
she sez she workd for the paper and gears homie and the girl he's dancing with say their bros got it in nam and they get along
later eletemtal hero drillman has a martial arts class where he beats on homie i think and lets him go
later in a ba, gear sez he spent 6 years abou=ve a wh0re house and meets hthe car chick and they get along
he goes out and gets in a fight with some guys and back at this room later they bicker and he tells car chick to get naked to b0ne
she gets b--chy at him and goes out but he stoops her and they patch things up
i think they b0ned as now its day and they play romantic music (i;m watching the edited tv ver) and they have breakfast together
then they cuddle and kiss and in the real version i think b0ned again
later they are doing an underwater training thing whee they get in thisfake cockput and are duunked in da pool
the chick does it but homie f's out and drllo pulls his a55 out and does cpr to revive him
later big black guy needs a buckle and gear wontr help him cuz hes racist
drillo comes in and reveals he knows of the contraband by hitting the ceiling and boots fall out
because gear wont quit, rilldo tries to make him quit by tormenting him with making him jump around and be hosed off and doing pucsh ups in the mud
you know its just fgonna make him stronger
like with korins towr in dragon ball and goku climbing it
then sez he looksed up gerees files and that his dads a drunk and somehting about his mom
later droll and lock bird rides hears a55 about why he wanys to be in the forces and gear breaks down sayong "i got no where else to go!!" like in waynes world gx
this moves drillmans heart and he lets gear stay in the forces
later hes in bed with car chick and she sez she wood like 2 fly but it would be too hard 4 a girl
her moms  woorking at a ffactory and she dsont want it and gears mom suicided by taking pills when he was at school
later car chicks are chatting about getting pregnant and blonde wants to get pregnant to shackle a guy into her forever
thats trechary
all cuz she dint like the gguys she chooses to spend yime with who she lets b0ne her
so later gere has 3 weeks to graduate (which means something gonna f him up soon)  and eats with his gf's fam (dad played by the guy from highway to heaveb) and dad dont trust him
they go out abd chat about the ffuture and she wants a fam and kids
also sshe reveals her real dad didnt wanna marry her mom and he was a navy guy
so shes illegitimate too
imaagine if her dad was also gears dad?
they;d be inbreeding!!
not that theres anything wromg wiith that
love is love
its natural
animals do it
later gf calls the base but gear sez to tell her he left
but she ssenses he didnt annd laves work eurly
her mom tells her not to go aftergear and she ssez she loves him
later the men aare in dinner and a guy sez bavk in his day you couldnt just ddrop out or they f'd you
also homie hasnt written his blonde bimbo in 3 weeks
later gear and homie chat about chix and go drinking at a smokey bar where gear seez his gf
he sez hes leaving soon and he sez hes graduating soon
she sez shes got a date and e thanks her for helping him through his cr-p
but she didnt do aything!!
later blode is with homie and its implied she might be pregnant
that kid in ur guts in a human being
dont use him to entrap a man
later at the obsticle course, gear stops and goes back to help chick recruit get over da wall
later homie sez the chick hes b0ning is pregnant and he wants to kill their kid but she dont want to
but he also dont like the idea of his kid being in this world and him not being part of it
so killing it is better?
he sees hes responsible and is gonna marry her
btw;what did you think was gonna happen with all that b0ning?!
its like saying; i kept injecting human waste into my body and got an infection!! how could this happen?!
later they get ready for air ttraining and they need ai masks at 30 000 feet or they expand like a balloon and cant focus
body expansion?! what is this? Deviant art?!
they train in a pressure chamber and do basic things and 1 guy spazzes out gear saves him
so with 2 weeks left, homie is getting canned for spazzing out and gear sez he got a girl pregnant and was under stress
gear mouths off to drill guy and homie sez he chose to quit and run off
btw, dont they call the place where this guy came from the home of steers and queers?
so homie goes to blonde bomvo and proposes to her but when he sz he quit the foces she isnt pleased  hes going back to oklahoma too work at j c penny
sshe admits she lied about being pregnant and he sez he still loves her
but shes a b---ch and sez she only wants to marry a pilot and it destroys him
he gi8ves up everything for her and she ruins him
i can see vfemninists either hating this or loving the chick for being independent of her own choices
gear sees blonde and she sez whhat happened and hhe tells her off for  being awful but she sez shereally thought there was 1 but only got her woman womb thing today
so gear and gf gi to see homie and find him hanging in the shower
imagine if it was an accident and he was j-rkin off while doing it like that guy from inxs
gear sez to call an a,bulance as they can use the dragon balls to bring him back
soo the copas come and take whats leeft of him away to be used as a universal soldier and gear feels bummed about another person he lied  going to h e double california
gf sez she knew what blonde was doing and didnt stop it but she actually does love gere
he runs off daying he dont want anyone to love him as i think he thinks that makes the bite it like souther in hokuto no ken
so gear hasslles drillman and drill is busy but gear sez he wants to quit
so they go to the hanger and kung fu fight
charge ur ki!
do the spinning bird kickk
use the haoh ken!
despite getting a few hits in, gear gets his a55 kicked
so later they graduate and say thheir oath to defend Amercia against all enemies, forign and domestic (like the commies and media)
so even the chick and gear graduate and gear goes to gfs factory and they play "lo9ve lift us up where we belong" like i think the simpsons did and thhey smooch with consent as a kiss on the cheek withoutb consent is the same as a55 raepe)
he carries her ou and blonde who drove homie to suicide cheers for her
the end
that was pretty good
it seemed to be ripped off by top gun and i think the music and style was good
it has good flow and dont drag and has a good story
it shows the dangers of trusting 5kanks and how you gotta tough it out
Gear used to be buff in the 1980s
its not bad and the tv version was cleand up like from here to eternity was from book to moive
i liked it and tought it looked and felt good
for an officer and a gentlemman 2 i want it to be the 90s and the ww3 hass happened. he's fighting commies and they are using advanced aids gas to rot people into black foamy mush. also his woman is pregnant and has gains a lot of weight and is over 700lbs and he has to hire a maid to hose her off. its also a 64/32 bit ps1, sega saturn n64 and da and psp game where you play as him and fly around fighitn commies in a jet that can turn into a sub.

Friday, June 12, 2020

Project X Review

notte; i spell chimpus
project x
this is my review on project x from 1987 (my birth year)
its got matghew broadrick, heelen hunt and no one else i know
i saw it b4 years ago but dont recall much
so it starts with text saying the armed forces tested the limits of human endurance on stuff for helping humans and this is inspired by it
so can we put it on the history chasnnel?
then its sovirt africa anf animas are in the wild
its not the congo as theres no Mokele-mbembe
this chimp is with its kid, the screen goes black asnd we hear a ggunshot
harambe no!!
btw, what if the same guy who did harammbe also did j fk?
maybe he was sent bacvk in time soon
so then in this slum they play the song shock the monkey and this guy buys a chimp
btw, chimps are vicious and dangerous
thry kill people and those who survive are mutilsated or crippled fir life
we wiped out better species. we can do these
so this chimp goes to the university of wisconsion and is being taught cr-p but it chimps oout
eventually it learnms sign languale (did congo rip this off??) and wants to fly
btw i;d like to point out that the whole "chimps learning sign language" is cr-p as they didn't grasop the concept of lamguage
they figured out "if i make this sign, i might get the cat so i can b0ne it(this happened)" but didnt get that this symbol means cat and this means yselff.
btw, chimps are really lusty
so later the chick finds out the chimp is being sold and goes mental
chimp is sold to a military bbase and matthew broadrick is there and got in trouble for using a jet to try to seduce a chick
he got f'd out of the air fforce for running a betting pool and gets reassigned to the place chimp went to work with the chimps in an airforce pilot thing
btw; i'm writing this not long after trump announced the space forces of america
so i assume thats gonna happen with space monkeys
also; totally not robotech
a coworrker sez chimps r 7x stronger than humans
me; so if you know martial arys you can cripple em b4 thewy kill you?
so ferris bueler and cowkerer put aa chimp in a video game thing where he simulates flying a plane jet
pretty good graphics for 87
sorta sega 32x
chimp does it and starts spazzing oyut and gets loose
ferris ets him back and later nnick tatopolis is mopping up
did a chimp dump a55 on the flooer between scenes?
are these chimps  housebroken?
in real life they fling their waste
a cowboy guy brings a cjimp named j t like the jacka55 in degrassi next gen to graduate from bovine university
later biloxi blues is smoking and the chimp has a puff as hes a circus chimp
wargames has a moment wiith main chimp nmed virgil (which means the writer is racist or likes in the heat of the night) and later ferris notices an add of tv and gets virgin was doing sign langualge
he talks to virgin and undersands him and takes him out and he shares an apple with another chimp
after boning up on sign language, he gets the base to work more with chimps
so cuz matherw brokeediirk is able to do well, he gets higher clearence and they want virgel to work with the higher cr-p
so leo bloom puts the chimp blue beard (who i guess chopped up his wives like o j anf king henry the 8th) into a simulator and they tell matty to get oout an they nuke the chamber
cooked ape
they try to make this look srs and dramatic
but i once mcrowaved a fruit fly
neither it nor this cimpasaur had a soul
to quote dbz; he was just... a monkey...
mat was behind the shield and is safe but learns the blue bearrd chimp is gonna fly til he bites it
after a shower like in ferris bueler, he gets b--chy to co worker about them iciing apes to see how log they last so if WW3 happen, if they can take out the soviets b4 biting it
later virrgin gets out to be wiith his ape gf bbut broaderick is b--chy and angry and makes him do woork like getting on a scale
i should point out that farmers spend more time with cows and chickkens and chop eem up into dinner without getting all disgruntleed like adult simba here
later he hugs his monkey and they try to make it emotional
then itt goes to da ape room, screams and all the apes atart chimping out
so over an hour into this movie,  and broadericke calls main chick and tells her about virgik and she sez apelua is supposed to be in a zoo in hustob
later he tells his superior that he wants to be transfered and superior sez they need this data to ensure humans can survive and he dont enjoy using em but it must be done
btw, if it weren't for testing on animals, we wouldn't have treatment for diabetus
later some high rank guys come by and 1 knew matthews dad from the war
later at a bar, chick comes to the bar broskinger iss at and recognizes his voice from a cross country phone call
he tells her if he is rrevealed foe  talking to her he coouls be charged for treason and she gets b--chy over wasting 3 years trainibg that monkey who's gonna be used to benefit humanity
later they are gonna put the virguil in the microowwave siimulator and borkivker sez he wont let em
evenntually a higher rank guy takes chimpula to the cooker and  matther  butts in b4 they cook him and sez "if we proved the pilots can fight back, whyu cook this chimp?"
then sez that chimnps dont know they are gonna bite it like human do
soo are you saying they are inferior to us?
as in not equel??
they dont listen to this pee on and mstthew goes to  chick (who''s done  pretty much nothing soo far) and she was gonna b--ch to the gov to out this military thing to make us lose the cold war as we dont have enuuff data on how to fight
he sneaks in the base and  a guard catches chick in the car
meanwhile, the cjimps got out by catching a broom to knock over and ggte da keys and are going ape sh-t in the area
superior gets a shock stick and takes em on (even though they can and probably will krip his jaw off) and 1 chhmp fights back and throws him over a deck
if he had a samurai sword he could cut those monsters down
it can slice through 3 guys in 1 swing, it can take out an ape!
so he tjankfully gets out w/o getting mutilated crippled and chick sees vergel trying to bust the glass ceiling
if this ape thats 7x stronger than a hhuman can't, then its probably bullet proof
what if u trained an ape to use ki?
so he comes down and hugs her and the other chips bust up the base and microwave simulator and trigger the nuke
1 ape s in there and gets cooked and no humans were harmed
but the reactor is unable to go down and cant turn off as theres a fire extinguisher jemmed in its a55
inspector gadget 1 gets the chimp in there to unplug the machines butt and the chimp bites it and goes back to h e double africa
the superior tells him to get the chimps back in their cages but glory steals the chimps and gets em over razorwire by using a leather jacket
then jacks a plane and da chimps climb the razor wire fence again but dont get ddanaged as they are really daemons and almost flies offa s cops open fire on them
if those apes get out they could kill dozens
the stop the plane and get out and uses ninja hand  signs to get the chimps to fly a plane off
yeh thats possible
latere they are in florida or w/e and the forces have brought mattrwihe brokitior and chick as they might help em find em and they cant court martial him or the program will be revealed
so what?!
its just minkeys!
we gave them aids!!
also maybe they'd just take him out back and cap him
or arrange a workplace accident
so the heroes see the chimps in the wild and they go off and the movie ends withthem livign in florid and probably killing people who get too close
the end
that was pretty good
mild lite, clean, a bit of swearign and not too dark
it rtries to get us to feel for these lusty murderous apes
is got nice music and they used real chimps instead of guys in suits or cg
i liked it
its got good ness
for project x 2 i want it too bbe from the chimps p o v and to be a 2d animated don bluth style film of these chimps fighting to survive in the florida everglades but have to deal with ggators andd a tribe of skunk apes. its alao got musical numbers and deals with themes of adapting to living in a new home after a move. its also a 16 bit platform game like the lion kking or the jungle book on sega genesis, snes, tg16, gba and atari jaguar where you plat as a chhimp and go through jungle leevels and jump on or throw  rocks at or beat on enemyes.

Wednesday, June 10, 2020

Krampus Review

Note: I'm polish but got a bit of german ancestry so i can do this as its not cultural appropriation. alsao i spell bad
this is my review on krampus from the ditant future year of 2015 (When alien soldier on genesis happened)
its based on the historical figure who's santas equal and opposite as he puunishes bad kids and anta rewards good ones
its directaed by Michael Dougherty who did the 2019 Godzilla: King of the Monsters and stars toni collette, seth greenn and no one i know of
i never saw this b4 but saw the cinemassacre monster madness review of it a while ago
so after logos in ice andchristmas  slo mo montage of people being c-ck suckers at trhe mall to the song "its beginning to look a lot like christmas", this family is getting readsy for xmas and this little op o s has no xmas spirit
the kid f'd something up and the fam is mad at him and he wants to watch charlie brown
wait, i think the kid still has the spirit
so the fams relatives come by and the teen girl sez she found human waste in the bed last time she was there andmom once said this famm is the reason some people shouldnt be allowed to breed
so kid asaks grandma who's from soviet europe if she believes in anta and she sez yes i think
teen skypes her emo looking bf and bashes her fames dna as kid writes a santa letter
so more fam comes over  and bring their cat cuz they cant leave their candya55 pets at home
main kid asks fat kid what he asked santa for and fat kid is not functiong enough to answer
soo the fam s-cked and dont get along as we can't have a normal fam in stuff anymore and gotta have something the unbalanced can relate to
at dinner this brash guy is kind of a jacka55 and wants to enfatten his son to be a footballer
the cousins tell main kid santa crashed in the rockies and had to eat his reindeer
they jack his letter and mock his beliefs in santa and mock his xmas wish to have his family get along
main kid tries to get back his letter but the mannish female cousins fight him and he yells he hates xmas
btw krampus night has a similar thing in slovenia called Kurentovanje
so main kid wonders why they gott aput up with these c-ck suckers just cuz they share some dna and dad trys to comfort him
wtf, japan has similar thing to krampus called Namahage
i guess krampus is real
so the kid gives up on xmas and ttears up his letter and throws it out the window
this makes the skyy have 80s clouds swarm over the house and the next day, a blizzard sealed them in the house with no electricity (like australia 30 years ago)
teen chicks bf aint replying to her texts and she goes off to chat with him in person, but in the blizzard is hunted by a thing and is iced by this jack in the box offscreen as she hides uunder a car
so then its night and teen isnt back annd grandma warns em not to go out
so some guys out and (its brash guy annd someoone else) oh its dad, and brash guy bring out his rifle like hes ryo asuka
mom and mannish girls mmom are sisters and mom has their granddma's angel for Christmas
soo dad and brash dad find a place thats f'd up and has a damaged wall and a hoof print
they go out and brash dad gets eaten by the snow pulling him in and dad uses a firearm to save him
good guy with a gun!!
so they get back and brash dad is cut up in the leg
aw gayy! the gross chick from 2 and a half menn and erin brockavitch is in this
so tthe fam tries to keep things seeming calm and brash dad sez sorry for being a p o s to dad
later fatt kid gets a noose of lights put on him by a ginger bread man who lynches hhim up the chimney
a chick trys to save hin but fire happpens and i thibnk they both get sucked up the chumpet
then grandmatells this silent film looking stop motion story of her cr-ppy childhood when her town forgot the spirit of xmas and after making a bad wish, krampus came to punish them for being a55 holes and dragged her fam to h e double england
but left her as a warning of what happens when you lose hope
honestly, after my grandma died, i had a few bad mas's as my 90s xmas's had a schedual of going to both family sides places
we'd go to church, the next day we'd open presents, go to my grandpa's farm for lunch, go to my grandma's place at 4 pm, have dinner at mcdonald's get there at night, have presents and hang with my cool 90s cousins who had a genesis for a few days
after my grandma died in 02 we didn't do that and it wasn't the same
i got bummed and lost my spirit, but seeing the rankin bass santa clause is coming to town, where mickey rooney sings the, one foot in front of the other, song made me realize i can choose to be happy and positive and i had a few good xmas's after that
sm brash dad thinnks its all horse sh-t and goes ou and gets eaten or w/e and 2.5 men sez they're f'd
wtf brash ad is still alive i guess i f;d up
soo they look around da home inthe dark with flash lights and eventually find this daemon clown tow thing and open fire on it
annd brash dad is attacked by a nail gun using ginger bread men gang (and main kid dad too)
more big a55 toy daemons attackk the fam and its pretty cool as its not using g  mostly
the cgi gingerbread men get lown in fire blat and get shot by brash dad and a dog eats 1
1 mannish girl is caught and taken to the attic and then the big a55 toys come back and they bust em but this biig thingg busts in, chains up  a few members and yanks em out as 2.5 men chick sez "see you in h-ll"
then the toys andkrampus thing book it andthe remaining fam wanna leave and ggetta snowplow like in the sahining but the radio comes on and grandma ilocks the fam out to fight crampus herself
so k man comes for her and opens his h-ll sack and we cut to the fam trying to escape in the night
dad stays behind to fight krampus but is eated by him or w/e
then krampus gets mom as maain kid and some nerd i dont ecall (one of the mannish sisters?) is in da car
monssters attack em and eatt tthe nerd and main kid is the last one left
then krampus appears b4 himn and drops his letter thats pieces are crumpled ttogether
kid recalls grandmas words of being left alive as a reminder of what happens w/o xmas spirit and ktrampus is gone
to be fair, the fam kinda droove him to iit by being aa55 holes
did they deserve to get dragged to h e double ireland? maybe not
but they still brought it on themselves
they pushed him too it
then he sees krampus and the yokai with torches and tellls them he takes back his wish and wants his fam back
he throws the letter and it sinks in da snow and the earth cruumbles away to a h-llgate and kid offers himself in exchange for his fam
krampus throws nerd to h-ll and drops kid in it after he sez he just wantted xmas to be like it used to be
then he wakes up in soviet bedroom andthings seem normal
was it all just a dream? or mayybe a vision?
nah this aint escaflowne!
he goes down and fam is there and being nice
but he opens a present ammd its this item from b4 athey recall the mean sh-t they said b4 annd recalls that krampus caomes to punish
then it zooms out and their home is ibn a snow globe in krampus's lair and theres many others and some yokai come out at the camera and credits rooll where they show a clip of the actotr and their name like inspace balls
the end
that was pretty good
good effects, music, themes, acting, lighting
its sort of a 90s movie
no lust or degenerates and good clean pg13 horror
wtf this wa 16+ in viet nam, russia, netherklands, and finland
buncha commie countries
but i liked this annd could relate to it and fekt itas good
btw,, walt disney was born on krampusnight (december 05)
For Krampus 2 i want hippies and commies to have captured Mrs Clause and hoold her hiostage for Santa to cancel Christmas cuz not everyone celebrates it, so no one should be able to. So Santa and his homeboy Krampus go around beating em up and saving xmas. Its also a 16 bit beat em up on sega  genesis, snes, gba, atari jaguar and tg16 with player 1 as santa and player 2 as krampus and you go around fighting people. mrs claus(a curvy plus size woman) so santa and his homeboy krampus team up and start beating their way through hippies and new age commies and animal supremacists(reindeer are people too!(no they aint)) and wail on these dinks to save mrs claus! after beating up everyone in a level, it becomes full of xmas cheer and the xmas decorations return. also are nativity scenes where santa and krampus can rest and heal through prayer. And at the start you can choosse from either santa, krampus or mrs clause and the unchosen is the one the commies caught.

Tuesday, June 9, 2020

Ouija Origin Of Evil Review

note; i speel like a weegee bord
ouija; origin of evil
this is my review on ouikja origein of evil fro 2016 when mazin saga ended on sega)
its directed by Mike Flanagan who did occulus and is a prequel to another ouija movie
i had a oujia board as a teen and when we asked the spirit of the house if he was good or not, he aaid U 6 G
there wrre 6 guys in the house and G is slang for Gay
so the movie starts with some dinks doing a seance even thoruhg t theres stuff in the bible against it and the giost makes contact
btw, the Bible says the dead cant contact us and its probably daemons who contact us in seances
tjios geezer asks if mary cais in pain and forgives him and shes not and she does
geezer believes and daughter sez its a scam
after they leave, it turns out its all fake (like the daiana accident) and the necromancer's kids b--ch about it as they thought the daughter was trying to jew the dad
necromancer sez her kid daughter its not a scam as shes helping people
but lies crom from the devil
she's going deeprer into blackness
latere the little girl is praying to her daddy's soul and asks why mom dont pray
probably cuz she's into the black arts!!
oh and necromomcer sez to pray to The Lord instaed of her dad
btw this is based on a hasbro game and even though they sell it in Toys R Us the Yugioh guys censoted Quija Board into Destiny Board in Bakura's Occult Deck
In Yugioh Bakura uses an Occult Deck. But the Dub just calls it a Dark Deck. Its got things like Ouija Boards, Poltergeists, Naecrophilia, ect.
so these teens play with a ouija board and explain its a game and not real
1 chick worries of spirits but mom comes ina nd they all scream cuz theyy are dumba55 teens
why not do the thing where u drip wax into a water and it tells what ur future husband will be??
or is it done with mixing eggs and seeing the images in it?
btw the 1st ouija movie made a lot of cash but critics sh-t all over it
hnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggg pssssssssssssssssttt
thi one got better reviews and didn't do as well
so necromom taks her home and the next day teen gyal has homies come by and a guy stops by and necromom reads his palm and says she'd ice him for trying anything with her 5kanky teen daughter
at the store later the necromom buys a oiukk=ja board (product placement!! movie based on toys!!)
later at school the little guirl os mocked by otehr kids and this priest tells her the people mock her for being scared of her
in the car ride home little girl sez priest had a wife who bbit it and he later turned prisest
later necromomcer tests the new ouija board and the little girl is able to pick up the answers to the moms questions
i think shes posessed
oh and she has no memory of being posessed
later she goes to the board and it moves on its own and she talks to it
later  the priest says little girl has been learning cursive wruiting (which is USELESS in the year 20XX) and she says its her new friend who helped her
so later mom chats with teen about how kid dont get that their dad bit it from a drunk driver and they might need to sell the house
but little girl kid comes out with a bunch of cash she got from a spot in da wall and sez her dad told  her with da board
they have a ouijja and sez sometimes its hard to hear him and then the thing moves to say YES when she asks if hes here
mom asks where daddy was when she said shes pregenat with theur 1st kid and the board moves to the right answer
she looks through the hand piece and sez she can see them soometimes
mom asks if hes here and the thing moes on is own to yes
you ever see the mo ie witchboard?
i saw ther 1st and some of i think the 3rd and liked it
later teen sez it must be fake somehow and mom sez her mom was a fortune teller into other black magic like tarot cads and cr-p
and maybe it skips generations
later teen and bf are at school and priest talks to her about not b00ning him
also kid is not at school for 4 days in a row and theres no sick note
teen sez kid is helping mom work (as a h00ker?!) we see them having a seance with a woman and little girl answers this chicks question in a mans voice
little girl had a man in her throat?! who did this? woody allen??
later its night and kid asks her tteen sister (named lina like the chick from slayers) to help her with neck pain
they find a hole in the back of her head and a footlong centtipede crawls out
so kidd looks through the hand piece and sees  something move for a sec
she loox in da mirror and this thing grabs her and she bends over backeards and something invisible goes in her large iopen gaping mouth
what kind of movie is this?!
later lina has a dream of her mouth sealing over and wakes up
sort of an opposite of that guy pulling off his face in poultergest
later at school a  kid tries to slingshot the  kid but he  gets forced to aim it att himself and blow his head off(or just his eye, it dont show)
later mom goes on a date with priest and teen lina invites someone over
so the boy lina invited over is glad lina gets to stay and she tries to get him out b4 they b0ne
they smooch with consent (as without consent its the same as butt hammering) and i don't think they b0ned
in the real version they were b0ning
btw  i never saw this b4 or the one this is prequeling
so bf sees kid who tells how it feels to be strangled dead
what is this? the addams family?
so later linas item from dad is damaged and blames kid whosays daddy did it
lina gets b---chy and yells at how its all fake buut mom says kid knows cr-po she had no way of knowing
llina sez; if its really daddy, why would he change kid?
maybe ghosts aint real and its just daemons f--king with ius!!
later kid doont coonsentt to going to some thing and wants to stay home and chat with her undead homies
later lina finds notes written in polish by kid  and shows it to priest
btw this is the 60s after the gov wacked j fk
and polish is a weird language
the words have genders and everrything is wtitten with like 15 letters and 3 vowels
better than soviet russian, with their backwards R's
so priest comes by and they do a READING for priests wife and the board moves and tells him to not hide behind the collor and be happy
also priest sez he needs to talk about linas trouble at school w/o the kid
they go to teens room and priest sez the bible sez to not trust every spirut
then that he thought the name lynn (like from hokuto no ken) andshe read his mind and copied it
then cleared his mind for another qustion and that kid is faking things with wicked cr-pp
i like how the priest is the good guy in here, is smart, cool, and skilled
hes like batman
then linas bf (noy goury or naga)comws by
priest sez the polish nun translated the pliah writings about a guy who's fam was rounded up in da war and dealing with an ocult nazi who did black magic expere=ments
later after da war, he recognized the evil dr who took pole to his home, the home the fam lives in now
he removed their tongues, vocal choeds and sealed their moyths, then the polish writings drtails his murder and being sealed away in the dark wirh daemons that took him over
meanwhile, kid shows bf the basement, a skull shows up and she wastes him
priest sez he called the holy rollers and they are gonna exorccize the place
but the house is hanted and things are listening
so the guys are gonna leave but the bf swings down on a noose and mom tells teen to wait outside
she dont consent and sez spiliting up is stoopid
if the guy there is a priest, why not pray? rebuke the evil!
soo they go in da basement and burn the ouija board WHICH IS THE WORST THING TO DO!! IM SRS! IT KEEPS U FROM SHUTTING THE H-LLGATE!!
so priest goes in and its sorta like that Neo Contra level with dark still veiens and he prays as kid attacks him
then he comes up posessed and  goes at em with a knife but then something happens and hes back in the basement and they seal it i think
then teen is attacked by kid who flies around and then mom comes up andsees kid eating sister and offers herself for the daemon who wants a voice and sez it'll take them all
btw its pretty dark and murky in this and hard to see what, if anything, is going on
laterlina recalls her doll getting its mouth stichted shut and mom wakes uo chained to an alter as kid gets a knife
mom sez she wants to talk to daddy andteen comes in
kid screamss a dsiindel blast at her but she does something offscreen with a hook as daemons grab her
kid sees her daddy but really its her soul as her body is iced
mom gets free and hugs the body but teen sez she had to to stop the voices and sez sorry b4 shanking necromomccer
she was posessed but snaps out of it andmom sez "it wasnt you" and necromom bites it as she sees kid and day and lina spazzes out
then lina is in the nuthouse and the dr sez they can't find where kid is and necromom is iced cuz lina shabked her
she can't recall what happened and sez her mom might know and is taken back to her room where she writes a ouija board in blood and asks her kid sister if shes there(she;s not. she';s in heaven)
then after the credits something about the movie this is a prequel to where lina is a geezer and her neice comes by and credites to 50s music
the end
that had some good stuff
it was hard to see what was happening near the end but had good horror in a mostly clean way
sort of like a weird 60s movie like if kiss of the tarantula wasnt so weird
good efffects and good twists
good warning s against using a weegee bord and the dangers it can cause
its like reefer madness and how it shows the dangers of chronic
the priest was cool and smart and helpful and shown in a positive light and it had fitting music
nothing really wrong with it besides the murky unseable visuals
i thoguht it was good
btw, I don't think this is the best idea for a movie based on a board game
in it the item you buy ends up killing evveryone
what next? a thunder cats thing where lion o jams his actionfigure of himself in his butt and dies?
maybe in thundercats roar!!
although we do get adds for drugs that half the add is just warnings saying it drives you to suicide or rots out your organs, so a feature length game addd where it kills people isn't gonna drive everyone off
for ouija; origin of evil 2 i want the lina chick to be in the 80s and finds the nuthouse has a new director who is practicing black magic rituals to use the crazy people to gain immortality. no one believes her so she much use her denon connection parasited powers to armor up in daemon armor and fight the deforming nuthouse thats looking like ninja gaiden 3 or the last levels in contra games with living buildings. also its a 16 bit action game like phanton 2040 on sega genesis, snes, gba, atari jaguar and tg16 where you play as the chick and fight through weird la blue girl levels of people devoolved by the rituals and platform around them wuth extendable limbs.

Monday, June 8, 2020

Sully Review

note; my keyboard is spazzing out letlely so theres gonna be typesos
this is my review on sully from 2016 (the year of the malcontent uprising in robotech battlecry and when humans went to Mars in Mazinsaga on Sega Genesis)
its got Tom Hanks, aaron eckhart, jamey sheridan, michael rapaport, and no one else i know
its direted by clint eastwood who i hear is kinda awful to his women and kids and got good reviews and the national transportation saftey board was painted as the bad guys when in real life they werent
its based on an incident when a plane got f'd in soviet new yyork in the 00s
but this time the gov wasnt behind it
so after logos to plane sounds, we get tom cruice hanks flying the plane and its going down
he guides it past buildings and it crahes and everyone bites it
then its just a dream
thats bullsh-t
what is this? final destination?!
so then tom runs in his city at night and no one sticks him up or butt hammers him at knifepoint
after a steamy shower we see this pplane landed in the river and people survived
on degrassi next class; Jonah and grace go fishing and talk about getting to know eachother better so if they b0ne they wont be just strangers. then they make out. I wanna say; he's going to b0ne her in the river! but I screw up and say; he's gonna b0ne her in the liver!
then tom is being grilled by guys and he explains its a forced water landing, not a crash, and tells his reasoning for why he dood it
he has no ragrets and is being investigatesd by jjamey sheriden from law and order criminal intent
and that 2 engines went under from birds going kamikaze on him
he was rested, soober anddregular
latter in a car tom sez the investigators are just doing their job
he  calls his woman and sez hes ok and she has reporters all over her homes a55
they swark tim as he comes out of the car and later its day and the reporters are still sh-tting up their lives
i say just spray em with aids
then tthey rot and devoolve like that guy in robocop
his woman sez he saves eveyone andd hes nervoud about cr-p
later a rreporter sez him lanfding in da river wwas the wrong choice and he nearly iced everyone
imahine the diseases they;;d get from all the fiilth in the hudson
the'd devolve into sloppy messes like that guy in batman beyond
so after walking at night and having an interview, we see what i think is a fleshbavk of young tom as a crop duster in a biplane like iin robotech
then toms grtting make up done and his artist sez thanks for saving her mom
tom looks out a window and sees a plane cradh but its just his mind as he spazzes out
a guy sez hes got a meeting comming up and that 1 engine wasnt fully f'd
in the investagiotr meeting hos copilotsez if tom green followed the rules theyd be in h e double new york
tom sez the engine was f'd out and if they checjk they'd see but the investigators say it was destroyed in the crash
and 20 sumulattions said he would have made it w//o going in da water if he did different cr-p
after da meeting copilot sez he was useleess but tommy wiseau sez he did good haa?
later we see tom on lettermann and later his wooman sez they need a tennent for somee place to keep it
he askees his woman on da fone if the board finds him as the cause of the crash annd how the data sez he diddnt need to go in da river of human waste like dantes inferno
then we see sully at da aire porte and alll this cr-p of then getting ready
these guys arrive late as their flight was canceled and they gotta take this 1 and thry get on after saying its for golf
s they take off eventrually and a swarm of birds nails em and some get eaten in the engines and f'd em
the controll tower gives him advice bbut he goes off radar and a chopper sees hhim going in the hudson bay
so then its night and we see tom ruunning and he rremembers flying a jet over da wasteland like its roobotech battlecry and goes down
later in a bar he meets michael rapaooprt ffrom thewar at home who sez he made a drik after him and is chhummy
tom has a viet nam flash back and then we see a cops  povv of the plane hittig the river phoenix
then we see how da people on da plane dealt with da plane being in da water
so da people float on the inflatable slides and boatws come for them
after everyones off, tom jones gets off da plaine and is boated back
he calls his woman and tells her to watch tv
just like in the mr potato heard show friom da 90s
(noise outside) whats that? one way to find out! (turns on rv)
so after getting dr checked oiut, tom and copilot go to a hotel room
so the whole past several minutes is himn fklashbaccking and hes stikll in the bar and he calls a guy saying he wants to do something and if it prtoves him wrtong hes gonna give up piloting
so his woman calls and sez she only now realizes hthere was 155 guys on da plane and he was 1 of em
it took me 12 yeras to realize the chicken my grandpa lopped the head off when i was 4 was ,lunch that day
so tom goees up to a review thing and sees a simulation of 2 nobodies in a simulator like in robotech ii the sentinels and they are able to land safe by not doing what tom did
another landing in a different place works in the sim 2
tom sez its flawed as the pilots knew what was coommin and had no stress in the choices to make
also the sim pilots had 17 practivce attempts which negates the reason they do it
then they redo the test with a 35 second delay and they crashhed
same with the other aire porte
then they check the jan 15 2009 (the year the zentraedi attacked the sdf 1 ) starts and  data and tom springs into action and figgers out whhat to do
remember in te simpsons how that simpson relative with the simpson gene shoots birds at the airport?
is that a real job?
do you gotta get ur own ammo?
can you keep the birds you bust?
also; we otta have that for moose what go into the roads and cripple and kill epople in car accidents
just have snipers by the road picking emm off
you dont gotta opay em! juts let em keep the moose!
so tim trys to get to airports but realises he's f'd if he do and goes in the river
after the flashback ends tom takes a break
after that, theres a new reopott that sez the left engine was f;d up and the data was wrong saying it could still work
the investig8r sez its all cuz of tom and he sez it was him and his team working together cuz they';re sonic heroes
then credits to pix of the actual event
then survivord (note; they didnt die, none of them sdied! am i a grade school survivor for not biting it in grade school?) saying what seat they were in and how they joined together by a common bond now like in Yugioh
the end
that wasnt so bad
not muxh happpened in it and they reused the same event over and over
its entertaining and mild
sorta like a 50s movie where they can say sh-t
its not fast or hard but it keeps an intewrest
dat commie tom hanks dooes ok in it and fits
not much wrong with this, its just kind of padded to fill 96 mins
for sully 2 i want him to be flyin a plane and goes down on some undiscovered island. turn out; its populated by tropical sasquatch and they se the birds to bring him down. also the 1st thing was done by them with their black magic ki control over lower life formes and they wanted to see if he could land it and now they have his pilot skills to copy his dna and make sasquatch clones of him to fly their biotech fighters to attack the humans. the fighters are living creatures mutated by their black art and can fire lazers and poison stingers. then its years later and sully escapes after he's been kept alive for a fresh source of his pilot dna and makes it back to the humans to warn them of the tropical sasquatch and theres a big sky battle of human ships and biotech ships. also its a 128 bit flying game on gamecube, xbox, ps2 and dreamcast where you play as either the tropical sasquatch forces or the humans and fight in air battles in the 2010s over cities and wastelands.

Friday, June 5, 2020

Battleship Review

note; my spelling is cr--ppy but this movie did cr--ppy in theatres so it works
this is myy review on battleship from the distant future year of 2012 (wwheh some cr-p happened in roobotech)
its got rhiannna, liam neeson, and no one else i know of
its directed by the guy who did hancock where will smith crammed a guys head in another mans a55
human centipede much??
now i saw this years ago but forgot much of it
alsoo i plyed the board game in the 90s and game ear game in 2020 (spiler; it was good)
so this movie s-cked at the box office and everyone sh-t on it
is hollywood out of ideas and doing board games?
well we got movies for ouija and tagt so i'd say yes
imagine a connect 4 movie about 2 drug gangs; the reds and the blacks (their colors) and they rumble in sectors of the rotting cesspoole off a city to conquer them. the winner gets the turf. and they gotta  get 4 in a row at the city bridge to control the drug supply in it
throw in a bad romance subplot and a sad moment near the end and u got a movie
btw; they used real WW2 survivors in here
imagine tthem in the 40s thinking "if only i could camei in a big budget movie based on a kids toy"
so after nearly a  full minute of logos , ewe get text sayying in 2005 nasa found a planet like urth and now are gonna do something in 2012
as the sdf 1 didnt hit macross island in 99 , it took em longer to get to the space monkeys
so they ssend a signal to this unknown place with a lazer beam which should take decades to reach as its light years away
the planet is in the goldilockks zone thats not ttoo hhot or cold so it can have earth like conditioms
meanwhile, main guy has a drink in aa bar with a homie and this blondecomes by
its homies b day and he wishes as main guy sez dont waste it on a girl
homie trys to flirt with blo9nde and she wannts a chicket burritoe as shes into forign food but the bar kitchen is closed
so homie goes to a beckers or w/e ut its closedso he breaks in to the pink panther theme as he f's the place up with idiocy
all cuz he wanted to b0ne that blonde
so he runs from da cops with the burrito snd gets tazred but gives her the food
later homie, (whio i think is the real main guy) is taking an ice bathy to shrink his psarts and his bro b--ches at him as  blonddes dad is the admiral
like wiith lisas dad in robotech?
then he joins da navy yvan eht nioj to get his life togetjer
aftter tootle its soviet hawaii and theres friendly games between america and japan
in a soccer game the american guy gets a  kick in the face in the air like a jackie chan movie and  theres a penelty kick, which he f's up and costs e the ame too Japan
one way out! (puts gun in mouth)
we're like 1 mins in and havent seen a battleship
btw, is thhis movie part oof the canon story of the battleship series?
in the game gear ver you can unlock more  attacks and ships and some hit multiple squares
later, real main guy is on da beach with blonde annd wants to ask her das to marry her as i guess she's his property or  shes underaged
meawhile in space, cr-p sh-ts
then its another day and theres war games andd neeeson is givinga speech of the uss misouri which was americcas last ahip made in ww2 or w/e
main guy sez destroyers are better than battleships  (or the other way around, i wasnt payimng atemntion) to some little wiener kid whos gonna be in the space forces after Trump makes em
so blonde gets admiral hunter to see maiin guy and he queers out and hides in a rooom to prwctice
a n asian comes in annd he sez he was practucing to ask and tthey fight offscreen
after telling the  board it was a slippery floor that made them fall into eachorher ad its  like jerry lewis, admiral hayes sez main guy is the best instincts but is a screw up and needs to get his a55 in gear or hes discharged
he reminds me of jack baker in robotechh ii the sentinels and the blonde whos dad is high rank is like karen penn
i just realized the main guy and asian might have been b0ning as it didnt show it
so they go out in big a55 boats and rhianna  compares her  superior to donald  trump and mike tyson then sez she means as both are alpha males
so bro tells main guy hes  gettimng canned and rides main guys a55 over wastung his cr-p
then we see amputees working out amd testing artifiiciall leegs
blonde wworks wiith tthis big black guy who got his legs blown off and is  bummed over it
she gets him in the mood totry aggaiin by go8ng on a walk in natuure and a hawaiian sasquatch  jumps oity and b0nes them dead
jk, reallly she gets a call from main guy and this space monkey  shiip is sighted by nasada
national association of spreading aids
also; da gov is gonna havve em wacked for seeing it
so 1 ship breaks up annd hheads for soviet asia
waiit, its by hawaii aand pieces lannd in da watur
wait, soome also hit asia
totally not like the movie armeegeddom where space cr-p f's a  city in slo mo
so the guys figger oot its from the planet they emmailed a while ago
the asians check it and find its made of cr-p not from da urth and the news spams the samee story world wide non stop
f the news
they'd be j-rkin off about this for years if it was real
soin da water by hawaii is some space  monkey thing anndthey send guys in to check it oot
well,,, thats the end of them!!
so 1  gguy touches it and gets zapped andthe thing fires a dome barrirr that covers tthe area
like with the invid hives in robotech?
maybe tthat syeven king book under the dome
you know what this movie based on a board game from the 1900s needed? space monsters!!
if they wanted to do roobotech, why not just make robotech?
then the thing in da water  turns into a big metal turtle
like tthe regents scorpion carrier in robptech ii the sentineks
btw  the guy from the war at home and  who was freddy mercury in the queen biopic is in here
holy cr-p we're an hour in
it dragged a bit but that last 30 mins whizzed by
so it blows out tthe guys sent to invrstigate  and tthe sonic boom blows the glass out off the boats miles away
shouldnt that f em up?
so they fiire a waring shot at turtlebot and it flys over them, thenoens firre on em
the earth ship takes out most of the shots but 1 ggets through and blows
then they fight but earth tech domt do jack sh-t annd they get f'd
the enemy fire looks like pegs you put in the battleship board
so 1 ship is filled with pegs annd blows
msin guy is  the hightest rankking guy alive and sez to attack
oh i think maiin guys broo got blown out too
after a japanese vessel  gets sunk, he tries too ramm them but a fata55  gets him to hellp the japanese
just like ww2 how  they were attacked by the commies and we saved em and freed asia
so the aliens launch pods that go out to the island (wasnt the area under a batrtrier?)  that busts their vehicles at the base like robotniks level in sonic adventure 2 battle
they look like beywheelz
not beyblades, beywheelz!!
but this came 1st
although both are hasbro
also they bust up the city
so this ship lunched by the turtle thing lands near blonde and blackasaur and a cop or w/e drivves by, tells em to get off the hill, and leaves w/o makking sure they do it
blackasuar decides to check out the aliens as cop said its aliens and shhip takes out cop
so later msin guy is bummed that he cant do it and 1 guy sez they need hhim and hes captain now
he ggets back in after that breif moment and when he comes back he finds an alien captured
like in robotech seasoon 2 wherethey caught a bbioroid and examined its pilot?
they take offf its mask (like predatoor?) and it looks like a ghoul
rhianna sez her dad knew tey'd come and when they shine  light in its eye it wakes upm, has a psychic link  to main guy of alien wars andesacapes to its ship
is this independennce day??
1  guy sez hes got a bad feeling about this as they hadnt ripped off sstar wars yyet and they found something in the ship which ttakes out a guy
what is this? alien??
btw another half hour whizzed by?
we're hallf way througgh!
so it kicks out a door and svans human tech anddf's with it and this big asian guy fights it
after his a55 is kicked, a  guy opens fire on it and it does diddley d0ng
it beats out rhianna next but asian guy recoversc and waiit i think its main guy, and runs to the outside
alien has a blade on his arm like predator  and rhihanna blows its head off with a cannon blast ad main guy jumps away in slo mo
is this also 300??
son of a b--ch!! the blonde is born a few months b4 me!!
were both rabbits!!
meanwhile, blonde has to gget the keys from the cops corpse and the space monkeys come out but see a big black horse and leave b4 it b0nes them
she uses the radio but a nerd who reported the space monstrs comes out and freaks out at blackasaurs fake legs thinking hes a cyborg
also; thats racist against cripples!!
alo the aliens are gonna use the sattilite to contact their home planet for more to come
sotrta like with the robotech masters after the zentraedi thing went bad?
also 1 guy tells main guy that the space guys can't handle sunlight as their masks are just sunglasses and its got eyes like a lizard
also the aliens cant be detected by radar so this japanese guy they saved sez to track water displacement with buoys to find em
so nerd and blonde need to call for help but comms are down
meanwhile, i think its night,, and the americans track the turtle bot with sonar bouys and launch missiles at where its headed
it misses and btw, they are using a grid on a screen to track it
so nerd is told to get the tech needed to communicate or black guy will break his steel leg off in his a55, which i assume is prison slang, and when he gets it, thers a spaceman there and he eventually runs
wait, why is the turtlepod moving around? also; what were they doing for the last 6 hours? j-rkin off on the floor?!
so eventually, alienss fire at ship and they shoot em down like in robotech battlecry on gamecube
it seems like ttheres 2 alien warcrafts and the americans take em both out
blonde ccalls him and sez they have 4 hours to stop the alien messae
is it buffering?!
weren't they sending the signal for the last 13 hours?!
does it hae to load all at once and then sends as 1 big a55 dump?!
so we got 1 hour left in the movie (that last 30 mins whized by like the whizzer vs man thing in marvel comics) and main guy decides to j-rk off for 40 mins and wait ttil sunrise
so its sunrise (rememmber that 00s ckids bible show  cherup wings? its by sunny side up productions or w.e. i liked it. its positive and looks like a dreamcast game) and they use guns tto crack the dark glass and are between them and the sun so they cant see and launch all attavks to blow em out
then some bweywheel pods come by and 1 guy runs from it as it chews a55 through the hall
whhy didnt the aliens do that b4?
did they not see the humans as a clear ot present danger?
they shredded hawaii for less
also; is this a thing on the 00s movie pearl harbor?
so tthe beywheels pods  f the boat anf it goes and main guy and japanese guy gotta jump ffrom the top as the propellors spin
totally not like titanic
man this rips evetything off
what next? la blue girl?!
so blonde andd big buff blackguy amputee driove ooff to do something and leave nerda55 behind
the blonde chick going with the big buff alpha male instead of the loser beta male?
this movie predicted the 2010s
so the meticans  escapeethe ship and get to the misouri but no one knows how to use tech from when we had civil war survivors
so they get ww2 vets who did it decades ago and still remember it
Vampire Aliens? As bad as the aliens in Signs.
so the alien battlefortress is ready to transmit ttheir fractal code digitize and is ready to fire all its cr-p as the ww2 boat comes at em
ww2 boat aims its cannons to the side turns, and drops tthe anchor to cause a hard jerky turn b4 the pegs get em, then opens fire and bblows the battlefortress
btw this thing reminds me of mechagodzillss
they ditch anchor and drive on but get hit onceand fire aggain
sorta like the Daedalus Maneuver in Robotech
we got halff an hour leeft
that went by quuick
so blondde crashes her car into the alien thing and unplugs the siignal
like the invid sensor nebula in robotech
but ses caught in the car so the legless blaack guy fights it and beats his a55 with his metal legs
meanwhile, to eat runtime, the boat guys carry a shell to the cannon by hand
blackasaur busts the mask off and it f''s aliens sight but he gets taken down and nerd sabes him wiith a sucker punch
camt even win a fair fight
so aliens plug back in the modem and the signal is gonna gio through
boat guys  use their last  round too take out the signal thing as the battlefortress fires more beywheels at em
then everything starts bursting and  its the air force saving them like in robotech
so then the army guys are celebrating and awarding the survivors annd bro gets an award in memory
main guy gets a promotion and asks admiral to marry blonde
he sez no but invites im to a chicken burrito and is chummy
then credits to the red white and blue song fromforrest gump
the end
but 1st, in the credits, they have a scene of an alien battlepod in sooviet scotland and scaring teens
the real end
that wasnt so bsd
it goes by fast after a while
good action
good music
yeah it rips off a lot but its still fun
i mean its a movie based on a board game
its not trying to be gone with the wind or napoleon by abel gance
its entertaining and i thought it was good at that
just a big silly action movie
btw, this movie had a video game
they took a board game, made it a movie, then maade a game outta it
its like eating a burrito, pooping it out, thenm stuffing it back in and pulling it out ur mouth!!
dedigesting it
like that ep of dexters lab where he had a belt that reversed him in time and action and he unate his food
but i thought this wasnt awful and had some good stuff
just dont go in expecting a deep epic story like lord of the rings or urotsukidoji
for battleship 2 i want it to be the 2030s and the aliens have come back and taken over the earth. they use it for making antilight that works like flashlights but fires darkness andnegates light. also they make it out of human bones. and its up to a new band of resustance fighters trying to fight them with dune buggy's that turn into armoor and lazers and reverse engeneered alien tech that lets them fight at higher speeds than humans normally can and has variable weapons. also its a 64 bit ds and psp game where you playy as one of several warriors and do missions where you fight the aliens and takke out key bases to cripple their empire.