Wednesday, June 10, 2020

Krampus Review

Note: I'm polish but got a bit of german ancestry so i can do this as its not cultural appropriation. alsao i spell bad
this is my review on krampus from the ditant future year of 2015 (When alien soldier on genesis happened)
its based on the historical figure who's santas equal and opposite as he puunishes bad kids and anta rewards good ones
its directaed by Michael Dougherty who did the 2019 Godzilla: King of the Monsters and stars toni collette, seth greenn and no one i know of
i never saw this b4 but saw the cinemassacre monster madness review of it a while ago
so after logos in ice andchristmas  slo mo montage of people being c-ck suckers at trhe mall to the song "its beginning to look a lot like christmas", this family is getting readsy for xmas and this little op o s has no xmas spirit
the kid f'd something up and the fam is mad at him and he wants to watch charlie brown
wait, i think the kid still has the spirit
so the fams relatives come by and the teen girl sez she found human waste in the bed last time she was there andmom once said this famm is the reason some people shouldnt be allowed to breed
so kid asaks grandma who's from soviet europe if she believes in anta and she sez yes i think
teen skypes her emo looking bf and bashes her fames dna as kid writes a santa letter
so more fam comes over  and bring their cat cuz they cant leave their candya55 pets at home
main kid asks fat kid what he asked santa for and fat kid is not functiong enough to answer
soo the fam s-cked and dont get along as we can't have a normal fam in stuff anymore and gotta have something the unbalanced can relate to
at dinner this brash guy is kind of a jacka55 and wants to enfatten his son to be a footballer
the cousins tell main kid santa crashed in the rockies and had to eat his reindeer
they jack his letter and mock his beliefs in santa and mock his xmas wish to have his family get along
main kid tries to get back his letter but the mannish female cousins fight him and he yells he hates xmas
btw krampus night has a similar thing in slovenia called Kurentovanje
so main kid wonders why they gott aput up with these c-ck suckers just cuz they share some dna and dad trys to comfort him
wtf, japan has similar thing to krampus called Namahage
i guess krampus is real
so the kid gives up on xmas and ttears up his letter and throws it out the window
this makes the skyy have 80s clouds swarm over the house and the next day, a blizzard sealed them in the house with no electricity (like australia 30 years ago)
teen chicks bf aint replying to her texts and she goes off to chat with him in person, but in the blizzard is hunted by a thing and is iced by this jack in the box offscreen as she hides uunder a car
so then its night and teen isnt back annd grandma warns em not to go out
so some guys out and (its brash guy annd someoone else) oh its dad, and brash guy bring out his rifle like hes ryo asuka
mom and mannish girls mmom are sisters and mom has their granddma's angel for Christmas
soo dad and brash dad find a place thats f'd up and has a damaged wall and a hoof print
they go out and brash dad gets eaten by the snow pulling him in and dad uses a firearm to save him
good guy with a gun!!
so they get back and brash dad is cut up in the leg
aw gayy! the gross chick from 2 and a half menn and erin brockavitch is in this
so tthe fam tries to keep things seeming calm and brash dad sez sorry for being a p o s to dad
later fatt kid gets a noose of lights put on him by a ginger bread man who lynches hhim up the chimney
a chick trys to save hin but fire happpens and i thibnk they both get sucked up the chumpet
then grandmatells this silent film looking stop motion story of her cr-ppy childhood when her town forgot the spirit of xmas and after making a bad wish, krampus came to punish them for being a55 holes and dragged her fam to h e double england
but left her as a warning of what happens when you lose hope
honestly, after my grandma died, i had a few bad mas's as my 90s xmas's had a schedual of going to both family sides places
we'd go to church, the next day we'd open presents, go to my grandpa's farm for lunch, go to my grandma's place at 4 pm, have dinner at mcdonald's get there at night, have presents and hang with my cool 90s cousins who had a genesis for a few days
after my grandma died in 02 we didn't do that and it wasn't the same
i got bummed and lost my spirit, but seeing the rankin bass santa clause is coming to town, where mickey rooney sings the, one foot in front of the other, song made me realize i can choose to be happy and positive and i had a few good xmas's after that
sm brash dad thinnks its all horse sh-t and goes ou and gets eaten or w/e and 2.5 men sez they're f'd
wtf brash ad is still alive i guess i f;d up
soo they look around da home inthe dark with flash lights and eventually find this daemon clown tow thing and open fire on it
annd brash dad is attacked by a nail gun using ginger bread men gang (and main kid dad too)
more big a55 toy daemons attackk the fam and its pretty cool as its not using g  mostly
the cgi gingerbread men get lown in fire blat and get shot by brash dad and a dog eats 1
1 mannish girl is caught and taken to the attic and then the big a55 toys come back and they bust em but this biig thingg busts in, chains up  a few members and yanks em out as 2.5 men chick sez "see you in h-ll"
then the toys andkrampus thing book it andthe remaining fam wanna leave and ggetta snowplow like in the sahining but the radio comes on and grandma ilocks the fam out to fight crampus herself
so k man comes for her and opens his h-ll sack and we cut to the fam trying to escape in the night
dad stays behind to fight krampus but is eated by him or w/e
then krampus gets mom as maain kid and some nerd i dont ecall (one of the mannish sisters?) is in da car
monssters attack em and eatt tthe nerd and main kid is the last one left
then krampus appears b4 himn and drops his letter thats pieces are crumpled ttogether
kid recalls grandmas words of being left alive as a reminder of what happens w/o xmas spirit and ktrampus is gone
to be fair, the fam kinda droove him to iit by being aa55 holes
did they deserve to get dragged to h e double ireland? maybe not
but they still brought it on themselves
they pushed him too it
then he sees krampus and the yokai with torches and tellls them he takes back his wish and wants his fam back
he throws the letter and it sinks in da snow and the earth cruumbles away to a h-llgate and kid offers himself in exchange for his fam
krampus throws nerd to h-ll and drops kid in it after he sez he just wantted xmas to be like it used to be
then he wakes up in soviet bedroom andthings seem normal
was it all just a dream? or mayybe a vision?
nah this aint escaflowne!
he goes down and fam is there and being nice
but he opens a present ammd its this item from b4 athey recall the mean sh-t they said b4 annd recalls that krampus caomes to punish
then it zooms out and their home is ibn a snow globe in krampus's lair and theres many others and some yokai come out at the camera and credits rooll where they show a clip of the actotr and their name like inspace balls
the end
that was pretty good
good effects, music, themes, acting, lighting
its sort of a 90s movie
no lust or degenerates and good clean pg13 horror
wtf this wa 16+ in viet nam, russia, netherklands, and finland
buncha commie countries
but i liked this annd could relate to it and fekt itas good
btw,, walt disney was born on krampusnight (december 05)
For Krampus 2 i want hippies and commies to have captured Mrs Clause and hoold her hiostage for Santa to cancel Christmas cuz not everyone celebrates it, so no one should be able to. So Santa and his homeboy Krampus go around beating em up and saving xmas. Its also a 16 bit beat em up on sega  genesis, snes, gba, atari jaguar and tg16 with player 1 as santa and player 2 as krampus and you go around fighting people. mrs claus(a curvy plus size woman) so santa and his homeboy krampus team up and start beating their way through hippies and new age commies and animal supremacists(reindeer are people too!(no they aint)) and wail on these dinks to save mrs claus! after beating up everyone in a level, it becomes full of xmas cheer and the xmas decorations return. also are nativity scenes where santa and krampus can rest and heal through prayer. And at the start you can choosse from either santa, krampus or mrs clause and the unchosen is the one the commies caught.

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