Sunday, June 28, 2020

Twister Review

Note I spell better than some peop0le. Maybe not you, uut theres worse than me
This is my review on Twister from 1996 (The year the N64 came out)
Its based on the party game where you spin a wheel and match the limb to the color
Jk its about mystical space typhoons or w/e
its written by muichael critchton  and stars helen hunt, bill paxton, cary elwes, alen ruck, phillip setyore hofffman, scitt thomson(wait, this isnt the kids in the hall or american pie guy r w/e) and jake  busey
its directal by Jan de Bont who is a guy despite his name and did speed 1 and 2
i saw this b4 but its been years
it made an a55load of dough at the box oriface and got ok reviews
so it starts in the summon i mean summer of 69 and a twister f's through this farm is some coonfederate state or w/e
the fam get in da basement and even lets their dumba55 dog in but da storm rips ooff the door and sucks the dad to oz
afterward its today (da 90s(199x)) and storms are still f ing da planert as divine punishment for the peoples evils
its said theres gonna be a recotd outbreak of tornadoes
then main gguy and his gf come along a road in a  vehicle talking about his his 1st wife probably signed the divorce papers
helen hunt (hh)(double h like the bra size) is  working on a weather thing and is wiith da crew is in soviet kansas
so main guy comes by and shows his gf 2 da croo and phillip  sez hh is running outta grant money
main goy wants the papers from hh and sez hes getting married to gf
phil chats with gf about the suck zone where the twister sucks you up its a55
hh has an item that releases a bunch of sensors to learn how it works and then they can use that to somehow make better tornado warnings
despite it being a ccllear a55 day, they all scramble city to get to the twister as main guy and gf are gonna go but they only now realize that hh didnt sign the papers soo they chase her
then they see a rival who has a corporate sponsor as doing work for money is not kosher to these dinks
yeah and nintendo only got into video games to make people happy
and rival has a similar thing to the hh's mechanilac thing to scan the tornado
main guy gets disgruntled over his idea being ripped off even though rival says their idea wasn't realized when he did his
main guy chooses to get back into working on wind science (seize the wind playmaker) a for a day to stick it to rival
so then its night and theres word of high level otornadoes comming and they get rready for a tropical storm
wait, did they just dim the footage and use that as storm weather?
cuz it clearly looks like its day
an the critics p-ssed over ed wood having day and night sh-t in Plan 9 From Outer Space
so then they drive and talk on cellphones and main guy chats with hh about how his new gf is a therapist and bicker over cr-p
then they mreet the twister and drive away from it, crash and hide under a wood bridge
hh is a dymba55 and wants to c da twister and it twars the boardz off da bridge and eats da car but doesn't touch them and goes by
then the car slams ontothe road by their crew driving
to film this they actually droppred vehicles
nowadays they'd just use cr-ppy cg
so thy regroup and try again after another twister in soviet oklahoma
man we're almosat an hour in with adds
that felt like nothing
also; not much happened
but it wasnt boaring
so after a cow goes by in the storm, they are rigght by the twister and stop as i think theres 2 twisters
after they go by, the main guy and the hh hug and cheer like they did something important
but gf comes by all spazed out over nearly getting iced and main guy comforts her a55
so da crew wants to stop by hh's aunts place for a meal but hh dont consent a
they go there anyway as i guess she had to feed them or they'dd eat her
thn they watch rival say they s-ck on tv and after that the gang tell tall tales
gf i think takkes a shower but we dont see her long shoelace nipples tied in a bow
do ur nipples hang low? do they wobble to and fro? do you tie it in a knot? do you tie it in a bow?
wait, its hh
so  aftet hosing off, hh hats withh aunt about guys and they another tiwster is summoned
btw; i play twin twsiters to destroyy your mystic mine and facedown card by discarding Darklord Supurbia!!
should have said that b4
too bad i only thought of it now and didnt wanna go back and edit the previous part
this gives it more feels
so they go off on theur star convoy to get the next twister
so maon guy drives ofroad and theres  a huge a55 tornady thats halcf a mile wide in base
remember in extreme ghostbusters where they used a proton pack to fire a nucular blast in a tornado to negate it?
why not try that?
so then the weather is f'd out and iys a storm with sh-t falling from the sky
phil is excited about the storm but gf is disgruntled
so hh and main guy drive to a huge a55 triwster and are gonna launch the machine but mega gtwister comes at them and f's over power lins by them and knox over the thing they were gonna laucnh
then the twister vanishes like zilla in new york and they didnt get enuff data and gotta book it
hh wants to stay and do the machine but sharknado resummons and she gets out and b--ches out over how a twister ate her dad and thinks its after her
wtf is this? jaws 04??
maiin guy tells her goood advice to get on with her live and leave the past in h--ll and gf hears them on the radio
so megastorm is gone somehow and after watching the shining at night(which made me think it the channel changed to another movie), hh signs the papers and chats with ,main guy
then the sky lights up with lightening force thhunder force IV and a storm attacks as they hide underground
hh satnds there accepting her end as it comes for her bu she snaps outta it
it f's out the drive in and hh saves a guy or something annd in the basement the cr-pm flying around busts stuff
maybe if they ritual sacrifice one of their kids it will appease the godsa and they will be safe?
nah thats the mayans!
so after da stormgf breaks up with main guy over his sotrm chaser life as she can't handle it
wtf thhe main guy is named billy!
loke in midknight express
ohhhhh billy!!!!!
presses nips on glass
billy starts j-rkin off
so hh goes through the ruins of da town and finds a busted house and finds in it her aunt as the house f's out
they save her and get her out and to an ambulance as the house f--ks apart
then da radio sez the biggest tornasdo in years is out
if this were made today they'd say it was global warming
why not just blame the invid?
that's just as real as global warming
aunt sez she had like a few secomnds of warning b4 it hit andthis resolves hh to fight harder to find a cure for tornadoes
just open the matrix of leadership to light our darjest hour
so the crew make a new machine system outta pop cans and duct tape like they are freakin Red Green
then its another day and they put the machines pieces on pop can s=beyblade parts to act as propellors
so threy drop themachine by a twister and it tips over and the wind moves a tree to trap their car and they escape and the twaister drops a  gasoline tanker outta mad max in front of em and it goes up in a fireblast
i dont thin thats how it works
so they drive on and rival (who's dobe jack sh-t in this movie) gets iced by a metal thing blown throwgh him, tgen his car gets caught by da twister, then blown in impact oj the ground in a fireball
such a useful character
so main guy drives throug a rolling house (which didnt use cg) and they release their cyber pods in the storm after parking and waling a few feet away from the car as the twister gets it
its able to get the data and they run as the tweister comes for them
they get into a barn with blades all over like some texas chainsaw honey booboo thing and they get out as the barn is torn up
a thresher goes over em like in double dragon II on sega and they get to some shed and strap themselves to a pipe
if it tears wood barns apart, won't it tear them off at the arms?
so it passes over them and they see it from da inside and are hanging on by the straps and then its the next day or w/e and they are ok
so they decide to work togetehr on more storm stuff and the movie ends with 80s/70s guitar and footage of nature
the end
that wasnt bad
i thought it worked
not much happens but its interesting
good look, music, feel
lol, steven flick
the l and i look like a U
wtf, alexa vega was in here?
lava girl and spykids?!
but anyway this was a good movie
good entertainment and vibes and effects
in the credits; casey cannon
sounds like a p0rn0 name
but i liked this and it was a well made film
its not groundbreaking or life schanging but its a good watch and does what it sets out to do; entertain
for twsiter 2i want them to be developing a sattelite cannon in space to reflect sunlight into tornaddoes to heat and disperse them without too many people being iced by em. but it has a side effect of cooking anything it hit through the storm. so they gotta aim well and keep from burning too many people. its also a 32/64 bit game on n4, ps1, sega saturn, ds, psp and 3do where you play as an operator of the cannon and try to keep the tornadoes from busting too much by aiming on them and know when to hold off if theres too many people near by.

No comments:

Post a Comment